Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I dare you to step across this line

There’s an old gag about one guy daring another guy to step across a line he’s drawn in the sand. When the second guy does, the first guy, not anxious to do battle, draws another line and challenges the guy to step across that line. And on and on.

One of today’s headlines is a statement by former National Security Advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski, who says if Bush attacks Iran without a formal declaration from Congress, it would be an impeachable offense.

Go ahead, Bush. Step across this line.

Over the past five plus years, Bush and his crew have stepped across more lines in the sand than there are grains of sand to count. Yet Brzezinski, and probably most Democrats, want to draw another.

It’s almost hard to imagine the Democrats standing up to King George over anything short of nuclear war, and even then one has to wonder. How many impeachable offenses will it take for the Dems to stop moving backwards and take a stand for this country? 20? 50?

Allowing Bush to go so far as to bomb Iran before impeaching him is like knowing where a serial killer lives, but waiting for him to commit one more murder before feeling secure enough in your case to arrest him. Who’s wife or daughter will be the last victim?

We need to stop Bush before he attacks Iran.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I am a Republican candidate

I am a Republican candidate for elective office.

I know that I cannot win my race on the merits of my arguments.

My calls to return to an imaginary world based on a romanticized version of American history, 1950s television sitcoms and Calvinistic Christianity are totally untenable but very effective, so I go with them.

Because my arguments do not hold up under scrutiny, I am forced to resort to other tactics in order to win. Fear is very powerful. Make people afraid of the other and they cower in your corner. Anger is also quite useful. Blow on their tiny spark of dissatisfaction and turn it into a raging forest fire of anger. That gets them to the polls to vote.

My advertising does not appeal to the intellect, but to emotions. Because I cannot argue a position intellectually, I must resort to attacking my opponents patriotism, common sense, love of God and connection to “real” Americans. I turn to ad homonym attacks and character assassination. These are my weapons, and they easily find their mark.

I control people whose emotions control them.

I confess I am intellectually inferior to my opponent, and I am unapologetic. Yes, I went to college and I have a degree to put up on my wall, but the gravitational pull of my upbringing is too strong to let go of, and I am constantly pulled back to what is comfortable and reassuring, as opposed to what is actually right. That includes disliking people for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with who they are as human beings, but much to do with how my parents and relatives characterized them when I was growing up. There are many people like me who know what I am talking about.

The vision of America I hold out to people is one totally at odds with the way the real world works. Teenagers have always had sex and always will. The desire to alter ones reality, whether through drugs, alcohol, television or religion, is a fundamental part of our humanness. Sex among adults is a natural and healthy aspect of being human. Gays and lesbians have been members of humanity since the dawn of time and will continue to be so as long as humanity exists. We are smart enough to destroy the planet. We are stupid enough to deny this. Religion is a personal choice, not a universal edict. Your body is your own to do with as you see fit. Neither man nor woman is superior. Of course, I disagree with all of this, but I cannot explain to you why.

I choose to stand in the middle of the road intent on stopping the thunderous parade of human progress, even though history assures me I will be trampled. For reasons even I do not understand, this doesn’t stop me from trying. I am Sisyphus, constantly pushing the rock of ignorance and intolerance up the hill, only to see it roll down again, as it has done since the first days of our existence on earth. And as it will always be.

I am a Republican candidate for elective office.

Friday, April 21, 2006

The good twin speaks out

In a rare public appearance, George Bush’s good twin Cecil held a press conference today pleading with his evil other to resign.

“For too long I have stood behind the scenes trying to reach out to George in private, but he has refused to heed my words. The man is intoxicated by grandiose notions of religious crusades nurtured by his self-serving circle of Charlemagnes. No more. I declare today that George must either come to his senses immediately or resign. I have done all I can do.”

Asked if he felt President Bush would act on his request, Cecil appeared exasperated. “He is maddeningly stubborn. When we were children, I tried to get him to stop pulling the wings off of flies and trapping prairie dogs to torture them, but it was to no avail. He has always been motivated by emotional impulses, not rationale analysis. He thinks he’s channeling John Wayne.”

The White House responded to Cecil’s public pronouncements by calling him an election-year tool of the Democrat party. “Cecil and President Bush have been estranged for many years. Unfortunately, Cecil has chosen to publicly criticize the President in the midst of a war, which we find unacceptable. His close association with Democratic causes over the years is clear evidence that this event was politically motivated.”

A spokesperson for Cecil denied the charges, saying the good twin’s motivations were purely altruistic. Asked to comment on the incident, Vice President Chaney laughingly suggested he and Cecil go quail hunting some day.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Help Wanted

Short list of people being considered to replace Scott McClellan as White House press secretary.

1. Grima Wormtongue
2. Simon Cowell
3. Pamela Anderson
4. Michael Brown
5. Toby Keith
6. Vince McMahon
7. Tony Blair
8. Courtney Love
9. Baghdad Bob
10. Smithers
11. Katie Couric

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Big government is good government when it's my government

Whatever happened to conservatives who distrusted big government? Today’s conservatives seem to think government can do no wrong, as long as it’s their government.

Cotton Mather wanna-be William Bennett led the charge today in
attacking Pulitzer Prize recipients in journalism for revealing
government secrets. The reporters who broke the stories about secret CIA prisons in Europe and the NSA domestic spying program are, according to Bennett, “not worthy of an award, but worthy of jail.”

Bill is upset that they revealed secrets, never mind the legality or
propriety of the government’s actions. Among conservative pundits,
the bigger and more secretive the government the better. George Bush can do no wrong.

What’s wrong with this picture?

It wasn’t too long ago when ultra-right wing militias were springing
up like thistles in a lawn with a mission to bring down the evil
U.S. gubbomint. Reagan was canonized for saying things like, “Government isn’t part of the problem. Government is the problem.”

Now it’s a whole different ball game. One of their own is in power.

Government is currently the ultimate authority. If you disagree with it, you’re anti-American. If you challenge it, you’re aiding the enemy. If you oppose it, you are guilty of treason.

The horrible irony is that they are not vexed in the least by their hypocrisy. The standards they held Clinton to were appropriate. The standards they don’t hold Bush to are equally just.

This is what happens when you give power to a movement based on ancestral bigotry, conventional wisdom and the infallibility of a two-thousand-year old book.

They fuck it all up. Red states, are you paying the least bit of attention?

Monday, April 17, 2006

A brief reflection on labels

The labels we choose to describe ourselves are becoming more and more paradoxical. Being a liberal or a Christian or a Rotarian just isn’t precise enough in a society growing more fragmented by the day. I came across a blog that claimed to represent the views of a “progressive conservative.”

Huh? A progressive conservative? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Conservatism by its very nature is anti-progressive. Can there be such a thing as a progressive homophobe? A progressive xenophobe? A progressive anti-intellectual?

The site’s author is a university student, so it may be that he believes a few classes in political theory provide him with the intellectual authorization to spice up the generic “conservative” label.

From reading the site, however, I gain no insight into what constitutes a progressive conservative. The entries are not original, provocative or incendiary in any way, and the only blog roll he includes is of Methodist sites. Oddly, he includes a photo of his face completely in shadows, and no name. Of whom is he fearful? Campus Republicans or the Socialist Student Union?

I shouldn’t be hard on the kid. Hopefully the longer he’s in college the more emphasis he’ll place on “progressive” and the less on “conservative,” although he’s from Alabama so the odds are not good he’ll be able to let go of all of his baggage.

Yet I still can’t help but wonder why he keeps his identity a secret.

Here’s a frightening thought: maybe progressive conservative is the codename for a new generation of Bush-indoctrinated Über conservatives, fascist khaki-clad droids who make Cheney look like a VISTA volunteer.

Okay, label me paranoid…but wary. Note to self: Stop watching X-File reruns.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Mike Hatch for Governor

As the author of a blog that reaches millions* on a daily basis, I understand that I have a responsibility to uphold the highest standards of journalistic ethics and integrity.** My views may not be shared by every reader,*** but I truly appreciate the powerful impact my work has on many people.****

Therefore, it is with great humility***** that I endorse Mike Hatch for Governor of Minnesota. I realize that stating my preference may, and probably will, single-handedly swing the election in Mike’s favor, but I must accept my station in life as a mighty political force****** in Minnesota and let the results fall where they may. I will no longer apologize to anyone for being a kingmaker. *******

* of microbes
** which at this point in history are very low
*** or any reader for that matter
**** and I apologize to anyone I have made physically ill
***** it is all about me
****** that should read “farce”
******* when I’m playing chess

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Good Morning America. Now, wake the hell up.

If Americans come to their senses before our fearful leaders bring Armageddon down on our pointy little heads, and we actually haul the ringleaders of this criminal enterprise called the Bush administration into court, the heads of the major television networks should also be rounded up and put on the docket for aiding and abetting.

Yesterday morning I caught a brief segment on Good Morning America. The Awe Shucks Charlie Gibson and his ebony and ivory female bookends yucked it up over video comparing Vice President Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington National’s home opener and Bush’s toss at the Cincinnati Reds first home game.

The emphasis of the GMA segment was on Cheney’s pitch hitting the dirt at home plate, while the much more physically robust President actually threw the ball all the way to the catcher. Har, har, har…. Of course, the real story of the day was that Cheney was roundly boo’d, by the all-American crowd of baseball fans from the minute he set foot on the field until he wrapped himself in his black cape and skulked off. GMA muted the crowd noise and the three amigos made only the most oblique reference to the hostile crowd.

The segment was insidiously crafted to take the emphasis off the unflattering reality and turn it into a playful “what-a-couple-of-big-kids” puff piece. If you asked around, most people would probably not see any huge issue involved in the GMA baseball segment. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that this type of subtle re-writing of history by our media goes on day in and day out.

Many of us shake our heads in disbelief when we read the various polls that show a consistent third of Americans think Bush is doing a good job as President, despite the overwhelming evidence that he is running this country into the ground. I think we underestimate the power of the media in our society to manipulate public opinion.
FOX News takes a chainsaw to truth every day, and if you’re not a rabid conservative, you probably realize what’s going on. But the much subtler forms of truth shading found in the mainstream media are, I believe, more diabolical and effective forms of propaganda.

The media moguls know exactly what they are doing. Like the lookout at a bank robbery, they may not be holding the gun, but they are playing an integral role in aiding and abetting the destruction of democracy for the understood promise of political payback. They are helping the government con the American people, and that’s a crime in my book. Someone needs to be held accountable.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Daddy Dearest

WASHINGTON D.C. - In what Democrats are labeling a shameful effort to save his presidency, George Bush told a gathering of White House reporters today that his father was to blame for the continued difficulties in Iraq.

Asked whether he meant Jesus, Bush said no, he was talking about George Bush senior, the former president.

“If my father had been a man and taken out Saddam Hussein in the first Gulf War, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in today,” said President Bush. “He lacked what we in Texas call ‘cajones.’”

“Are you saying your father is a wuss?” asked a reporter.

The President responded, “You’re the writers. You can pick the words to describe a man who lets a tyrant remain in power to terrorize his own people.”

The President also intimated that his father might have played a part in the plot to assassination JFK and the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

George Bush senior could not be reached for comment, but his wife, Barbara Bush was visibly upset by her son’s comments. “That little sh**. When he comes back to Texas, I’m going to smack him bloody with a baseball bat. Just like I did when he was a naughty child.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the President’s remarks were intended merely to set the record straight and not meant to disparage the many contributions his father made in his long career in public service.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Moronpalooza 2006

I was alerted to this full-page ad for a music festival in the latest issue of Guns & Ammo.

(Proud I’m Still Stupid)

4th of July Weekend

A three-day celebration for the non-reality based nation. Music, inspirational speakers, food and fun for the whole family on the grounds of the Holy Redeemer New Baptist Church in Branson, Missouri.

NRA Members
Evangelical Christians
White Supremacists and Holocaust Deniers
Anti-immigration and anti-tax zealots
Confederate patriots
Any residents of Montana and Idaho

You will find a home at PISS Fest!

Saturday, July 1

3:00 Opening benediction and prayer of intolerance by Jerry Falwell (Main Stage)
3:30 Everyone fires weapons into the air
5:00 Gun safety seminar for toddlers (Charleton Heston Gun Range)
6:00 Toby Keith sings hits from his latest album, White Trash with Money (Main Stage)
8:00 The Aryan Nation Glee Club sings patriotic standards (America First Stage)
9:30 Video address from President Bush (Main Stage)
10:00 Ending prayer and ritual keg tap

Sunday, July 2

8:00 Church Service (Mandatory!)
11:00 Beer & Brats Brunch (Right Restaurant)
1:00 Brawl in the parking lot
2:00 Bill Bennett reads stories of moral righteousness that will scare the hell out of kids (Don’t Spare the Rod Children’s Tent)
4:00 Bo Grits lecture: Invading Canada Just Makes Sense (God Loves America Stage)
6:00 Ted Nugent rocks the fest with songs from his latest album, I Kill Therefore I Am (Main Stage)
9:00 Senator Bill Frist speaks on who is and who is not a real American
10:00 Ending Prayer and 21-gun salute

Monday, July 3

9:00 Bloody Mary’s on the Mall
11:00 Kill your breakfast (woods adjacent to the church)
2:00 Mass full-emersion baptism at Bill Watson’s farm pond
4:00 Pre-fireworks fireworks
5:00 Unfurling of the world’s largest American flag
5:30 Clowns for Christ perform (Don’t Spare the Rod Children’s Tent)
7:00 Don Flemming Puppet Show: Pepper the Parrot kills Dr.. Evolution. (America First Stage)
9:30 Fireworks show followed by an armed attack on nearby Missouri State University
11:00 End of Fest Prayer and dynamite toss

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Republican accountability means never having to say you're sorry

A letter to the editor in the Minneapolis Start-Tribune caught my attention this morning. I nearly spit hot coffee through my nose (which I imagine would really hurt) when l was informed by the writer that, when you look at the noble actions of Nixon, De Lay and FEMA’s Brown in stepping down from their lofty positions of power during periods of turmoil, the Republican party demonstrates that it is the party of accountability.


If you’re not a satirist or suffering from some type of psychosis, you have to really, really, really be turning your brain inside-out to claim that Republicans stand for accountability. Accountability is not a word in the Republican lexicon. Republicans don’t believe in accountability. If you’re doing God’s work, what could you possibly have to account for? Sure, you’ll make a few mistakes, but you’re on the side of right, so there is certainly no need to stand accountable in front of mere mortals.

Even the straight-shootin,’ I-think-for-myself maverick John McCain doesn’t like accountability. He doesn’t care if his war vote was wrong or that Bush lies to the American people every time he opens his mouth. What John cares about is becoming President, which now means sucking up to American Taliban leaders he once dissed, like Falwell and Robertson. Accountability is for weak-link losers and Democrats.

You might expect someone like the crackpot queen of conservatives Ann Coulter to claim accountability as a Republican virtue, but she’d say Karl Rove was her pony boy if it got her another three minutes of face time on Hannity & Colmes (so far it’s just a rumor, folks).

No, the letter writer is either a master of the art of satire, in which case I salute you, or a simpleton clinging doggedly to the chains of belief as he sinks faster and faster into the sea of reality.

Just don’t quote me on that. This was entirely off the record….

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Prison jobs for which Tom DeLay might be qualified:


Boy Toy/Girlfriend/Sex Slave

Chaplin’s Assistant

Contraband Smuggler

Organizer, Bush Loyalists Alumni Club, Prison Chapter #34

Shiv Maker

Warden’s Best Friend

Coordinator of Religious Activities for the Aryan Brotherhood

Exercise Yard Punching Bag

President, Inmates for Tax Reform

Rat Trainer

Monday, April 03, 2006

You don't give the village idiot the keys to the armory or How many metaphors will it take to save America?

If Bush goes to Congress asking for some sort of authority to bomb Iran, and the Democrats don’t stand up and shout in unison, “When monkeys fly out of our asses, you moron,” I may have to go on a weeklong drinking binge and hope that when I sober up I’m either on some new plane of existence or Canada has annexed Minnesota.

Any Democrat who supports an attack on Iran should be drummed out of the party. I envision a ceremony where the miscreants kneel before Democratic elders clothed only in a tie-dyed G-string and Birkenstocks, and are forced to listen to Gilbert Godfried read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for 24 hours straight.

Bush and his gang of neocon nitwits smash up the family car every time they take it out. Is it responsible to give them the keys AGAIN? No one wants Iran to develop nuclear weapons, but that doesn’t mean you give the job of stopping them to a man who makes Paris Hilton look smart.

Democrats, Bush is not capable of being President. Yes, he sits in the Oval Office and flies on Air Force One and wears a nice, shiny lapel pin, but you know he is not fit to lead Liechtenstein, let alone the most weapon-heavy country on earth. Giving this madman any additional authority to use the military is nothing short of handing a pyromaniac matches and a gas can. It’s signing America’s death warrant.

If we attack Iran, you don’t need to be Nostradomus to predict that the Middle East will explode. Bush will have succeeded in bringing Armageddon down upon all of us. Don’t give him the opportunity.