That's Going Too Far!

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

2009-06-27T11:19:00.003-05:00

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Officers jump ship as the U.S.S Coleman continues to sink

2009-06-22T17:00:00.001-05:00

LAKE MINNETONKA, MN – Although the captain and crew of the scow U.S.S Coleman have been bailing water for months, it now appears that even the ship’s highest-ranking officers realize their efforts are for naught. The ships fate at the hands of the icy blue waters of Lake Minnetonka is now almost assured.

Chief Communications Officer LeRoy Coleman (no relationship to the captain) rowed one of the remaining lifeboats ashore to join the Republican National Committee as director of media affairs. Only two weeks before, First Mate Cullen Sheehan abandoned her post on the Coleman to sign on as a RNC regional director.

The captain himself, never flagging in his belief that the ship could be made seaworthy again, has been seen sneaking ashore in the evenings to moonlight as a consultant with the Republican Jewish Coalition.

Over a pint of ale at the Cock and Crow, a former crewman on the Coleman confessed that the whole rescue attempt was a lost cause from the beginning.

“Ah Sir, we all knew there was very little hope in saving the old gal, sad as that be, and as time went on, it were clear the damage was too great to keep her afloat. But the Cap’n wouldn’t let go, and he was gettin’ orders from the shipping company bigwigs out East to try and save the old heap at all costs. There was no talkin’ sense to the man, I tell ya, and he’d walk the deck clicking those metal balls in his hand all night until you thought you was goin’ mad. Mad I sez.”

Some predict the U.S.S. Coleman will completely submerge and sink to its watery grave as early as this week.

The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's “Save My Ass” tour

2009-06-07T11:22:00.003-05:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, “Save My Ass.” Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and newsrooms across America.

The publicist for the tour promises Dick will deliver many of his most famous routines plus new material that will leave audiences in a state of unyielding laughter.

“One of the new routines that people haven’t heard before relates to the bankruptcy of GM,” notes the press release. “Dick admits the Bush administration deliberately decided to pass the buck on GM and let President Obama deal with the problem. It’s timely, and too, too funny.”

The publicist also reveals another new bit called, “Blame the Other Dick.” With his patented sneer, Dick puts the blame for 9/11 squarely on the shoulders of Dick Clarke, the head of counterterrorism programs under Clinton and Bush. The set up begins with the former VP saying, “Clarke missed it when it came to foreseeing 9/11.” Then Dick brings down the house by reciting the titles of e-mails Clarke sent to Bush and company prior to 9/11.

“Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack” (May 3)
“Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot” (May 23)
“Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing” (May 26)
“Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent” (June 23)
“Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks” (June 30)
“Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays” (July 2)

The punch line? “The only thing Clarke didn’t do was bring Bin Laden to the Oval Office to discuss the time and date of the event.” Badda bing.

The finale is said to be a comedic coup de grace. After nearly eight years trying to convince the world there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda despite the evidence, Dick turns the tables on everyone and says, “On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that.” There’s nothing this man won’t say or do to get a laugh.

It’s no wonder Dick has earned the moniker, “The hardest working war criminal in show business.”

Thanks, Tim, for brightening up everyone’s day

2009-06-02T19:31:00.000-05:00

Your local weather report:

Skies over Minnesota brightened today after Tim Pawlenty announced he would not run for a third term as governor. The persistent weather pattern since 2003 of gusty hot air, oppressive ideology, and an intellectual drought will lift next year as the governor vacates his Summit Avenue residence.

Periods of cautious hope will appear in the skies above us, followed by the blustery winds of the campaign season.

The long-range forecast is difficult but early indications are that Minnesotans are looking for the winds of change to sweep across the state bringing with them new, more forward-looking ideas.

There are, however, a few models predicting severe, damaging weather if Hurricane Bachmann or to a slightly lesser degree, Tornado Norm, gather force. The havoc they can wreak has already been felt by Minnesotans who find their state regressing into a period of darkness as a result of stale atmospheric conditions.

In Minnesota, we take our weather one day at a time, and today prospects brightened that there will be a sunnier future for our blue state.

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More

2009-05-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

Obviously this headline is satirical. Right? Truth is, it’s from a recebt New York Times article. The headline leads into an article that examines the Boy Scout-affiliated Explorer Program, which is “…training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.”

Boy Scouts fighting terrorists. Who ever thought we’d come to this? Well, I did. About three years ago I wrote a bit of satire for my blog That’s Going to Far! which ridiculed this disquieting possibility. Now it has come to pass.

The great Washington Post columnist Art Buchwald once said, “You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.”

Northern exposure: Bush to call up the Scouts

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.

“It is true that our most immediate national security need is to secure our southern border. However, we cannot ignore the risks posed by a three thousand mile-long, largely unsecured border to our north. While our attention is diverted to the southern states, thousands of Al-Qaeda terrorists could be quietly slipping into America disguised in moose or squirrel costumes, forming sleeper cells in unsuspecting towns like International Falls or Fargo. The threat is real, and must be met.”

Today, I am calling up our brave young Americans in Boy Scout, Girl Scout and Cub Scout troops all along the northern tier of states, from Washington to Maine. Scout units will be stationed along the Canadian border at designated intervals for four-week rotations. The Scouts will be issued BB guns, slingshots and Swiss Army Knives with which they will secure our borders and allow Americans to sleep easy in their beds.”

Some of you may ask, ‘Is sending a nine-year old child out into the Northern woods with little more than Ritalin, a dull knife and a backpack full of Snickers bars a good idea?’” I say, give our children more credit. Sure they’ll miss their TVs and their mommies, but they know what it means to wear a uniform and that sacrifices are necessary in the war on terror. “

The first Scout units will be in position shortly after the end of school in June. Scout Masters will receive field promotions to full colonel and receive all respective benefits. All scouts will be given photocopies of known Al-Qaeda operatives, and they will be issued shoot-to-kill or really-really-hurt-bad orders.”

My fellow Americans, I know what it means to serve one’s country in uniform and the sacrifices that are required. I spent countless days away from home and family in strange nightclubs and at parties where I didn’t know a soul. It’s true. But America’s young people today understand that freedom isn’t free, and that everyone must do their part in the war on terror. All I can say is God bless them, and God bless you.”

Norm Coleman and the tragedy of hubris

2009-05-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

The year was 1996, the early morning hours of a soul-deadening, frigid winter’s night. Mayor of St. Paul Norm Coleman, wearing his favorite smoking jacket and fez, sat brooding in an overstuffed chair near a dying fire, staring into a glass of bitterness. His one-time friends in the DFL had turned against him. Criticized him. Booed him at events.

Fools. Didn’t they know he had a destiny to fulfill? Couldn’t they visualize him delivering a speech on the floor of the Senate so powerful it would disrupt the time-space continuum? Didn’t they know that one day he would command generals and ambassadors and quivering foreign leaders to carry out his visionary policies as he paced to and fro in the Oval Office? “Apparently not,” he said aloud, startling a cat sleeping at his feet.

As he stirred the embers in his Meerschaum, a shadow emerged from the darkness sending icy chills down the mayor’s back. The cloaked figure spoke.

“Norm. I think you know why I am here,” it rattled.

“I know of no one who would present himself to me uninvited in the darkest hours of the morning, except….” Coleman shuddered.

“Yes. You do understand. Although I wouldn’t say I was ‘uninvited.’ You want to fulfill your destiny, and I want to help you do that by striking a bargain with you.”

“A bargain? What sort of bargain, Sir?”

“I can help you realize your dreams of political power…for a price.”

“And you are a fiend,” said Coleman, turning away from the specter in fear.

“Success. Power. All can be yours. The political winds are blowing strongly to the right, My Friend, and you must change allegiances to capitalize on this event. Switch parties, Norm. Give your soul to me, and you will achieve that which you so desire.”

“My soul? Now?”

“Not now. You have work to do. But there will come a day when we will consummate this bargain, and I will collect what you promise me.”

“When? When would that day be?”

“When the winds change again, Norm. If they ever do.”

Coleman stood and contemplated this vexing proposal. “The Democrats have rejected me, and they are weak and in disarray. Americans have always been conservative at heart, and I do not think that will change any time soon. Certainly not in my lifetime.”

“Then we have a deal?” hissed the shadow.

“We have a deal,” agreed Coleman. “I willingly put my future in the hands of the Republican Party. This cannot go wrong. But who, pray tell, are you?”

“I am known by many names, but you can call me, ‘Mr. Cheney.’ Until we meet again.” And with that, the phantom vanished back into the darkness beyond the last remnants of firelight.

Michelle Bachmann: Call of the Loon

2009-05-05T17:54:00.000-05:00

The loon is our state bird. Don’t laugh. Nothing can moisten the eye of a Minnesotan quicker than hearing the eerie, tremulous call of a loon from the middle of a mist-covered lake.

We love loons so much we sent one to Congress. Yep. One of the bluer states in America elected a notorious right-wing evangelical ideologue to represent it in Washington D.C. Twice. Actually, calling sixth district Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “right-wing” is kind of like calling Minnesota winters “brisk.” Bachmann is truly in a category all by herself.

During her tenure representing ‘the fighting sixth,” Bachmann has eagerly shared her bizarre spin on the issues during numerous television and radio appearances and with her colleagues in Congress. This woman is not afraid to speak her mind, and for that reason, Bachmann has carved out a noteworthy niche among her fellow representatives: Looniest gal in the room.

You may remember Bachmann’s YouTube splash after Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address when she put a death grip on the president’s shoulder and wouldn’t let go. The over-heated Bachmann was a millisecond away from being escorted out of the event by men who talk into the sleeves of their trenchcoats. Then, when Bush came to Minneapolis after a major bridge collapse, Bachmann claimed the president attempted to assuage her distress by examining her tonsils with his tongue (she euphemistically said “kiss”) during an inspection of the wreckage.

“Oh, John,” you non-Minnesotans argue, “Bachmann can’t be any worse than (fill in your congressperson).” Well, yes she can. But please don’t let me prattle on. Bachmann has no qualms about speaking for herself.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

“We’re running out of rich people in this country."

We do love loons in Minnesota. Wait, I hear one calling now. Or is that another Bachmann press conference?

Swine Flu or Swine Flew?

2009-04-26T12:42:00.001-05:00

DES MOINES, IA - As the cases of Swine Flu continue to multiply around the globe, a parallel outbreak of Swine Flew is plaguing farmers and rural residents throughout the U.S.

Iowa hog farmer David Lyons described the startling phenomena. “I came out of the house about six in the morning, and I saw three of my sows floating up in the air. They’d grown wings overnight and were flying…like really big birds. I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t move, but then they just flew off over that cornfield and that’s the last I seen of them.”

Experiences similar to Lyons’ have been reported by dozens of other hog farmers throughout the Midwest.

“Half of my hogs flew off yesterday to God-knows-where,” said Ted Zigler, a Kansas hog producer. “If this keeps up, I’m going to go broke. I’ll have to switch to growing Tofu.”

Like so many others, Lisa Conklin of rural Wisconsin said she never thought she’d see the day when pigs could fly. “I always used to say, ‘Yeah, that’ll happen when pigs fly. Now they are.”

Conklin expressed a concern raised by many Americans since the onset of Swine Flew. “Let’s just pray that monkey’s don’t start flying out of our asses.”

Republicans Polled: Top Presidential Picks Include Joe the Plumber and Bob the Builder

2009-04-22T17:10:00.002-05:00

Washington D.C. - A just released national presidential preference poll of Republican voters has surprised politicians and pundits alike. The poll clearly demonstrates that conservative voters are unhappy with mainstream political candidates and are pushing farther to the edge of Right Wing ideology.

Conservative columnist George Will was perplexed. “I don’t get it. There are people on this list who aren’t even people. Have we truly become this desperate?”

FOX News pundit Sean Hannity’s comment on the poll results was succinct. “We’re in deep doo doo.”

The one dissenter among national conservative figures was former Vice President Dick Cheney. “With a few exceptions, I think it’s an admirable list of great Americans. The Republican party would be wrong not to listen to the will of the people.”

Here is the Republican voters’ list of favored candidates for the 2012 presidential election.

Joe the Plumber
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Ted Nuggent
Sarah Palin
Bob the Builder
The Verizon Guy
Betty Crocker
Hannah Montana
Billy Bob Thornton
Matt Drudge
Dick Cheney

Limbaugh Tortures Self. Confesses to Masterminding 9/11

2009-04-19T15:47:00.001-05:00

After slapping himself again during a broadcast to demonstrate the banality of CIA torture techniques, radio personality Rush Limbaugh surprised his audience by confessing on air that he is, in fact, a fat, lying buffoon who got beaten up a lot as a kid.

Limbaugh seemed shocked by his own admission, but, after several more self-inflicted slaps, owned up to his drug problem and to having a secret crush on Michelle Obama.

A tearful Limbaugh asked for forgiveness. “I’ve made a career out of stoking the fires of hate and bigotry. I was wrong. So very wrong. And I have a secret offshore tax shelter, and a mistress, and I shot Kennedy, and 9/11 was an inside job. I planned it myself. Just don’t hit me again. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

As the telephone lines in the studio began lighting up like a theater marquee, the program’s producer finally pulled the plug on the right-wing pundit in mid-sob.

Congressional Democrats Have Their Own List

2009-04-17T12:38:00.002-05:00

Washington, D.C. — In response to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), who claims to have a list of 17 socialists in congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she has compiled a list of 178 clinically insane members of congress. Although this figure corresponds to the exact number of Republicans in the House, Pelosi insisted this was a coincidence.

“Insanity does not recognize party lines, however, if you are a Republican, the chances that you are insane rise dramatically,” said the Speaker.

When asked to name the 178 insane congresspeople, Pelosi handed out a map of the House floor with the Republican side of the aisle highlighted in red.

“They congregated together,” said Pelosi.

Outraged Republicans issued a press release denouncing Pelosi and readjusting the number of socialists in congress upward to 257.

Texas Threatens to Secede. Rest of U.S.: “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

2009-04-17T12:35:00.001-05:00

Austin, Texas — In recent statements, Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has suggested that the state of Texas might consider seceding from the Union in response to President Obama’s national policies. The Lone Star State was once a republic, and Gov. Perry is threatening to return to that status “if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people.”

However, in the rest of the country there is jubilation at the prospect of ridding the United States of Texas.

“It’s an albatross around our necks,” said Otis Meyers, a construction worker from Portland, Oregon. “I mean, what’s their contribution to America? The Bush family? Line dancing? Crappy beer?”

Janice Sterns, a police officer from Columbus, Ohio, agreed. “They think of themselves as another country already and speak a different language. I say let them have it.”

High school teacher Ken Eldridge of Denver, Colorado was also in favor of Texas leaving the Union. “It’s a good start. Now if we can just get the rest of the South to follow Texas’s lead, we’d be in great shape.”

McPalin Last Ditch Effort: Obama the Anti-Christ

2008-11-03T12:53:00.002-06:00

Washington, D.C. – In a move many consider an act of desperation, presidential hopeful John McCain and his pick for VP Sarah Palin, used their final campaign stops to accuse Obama of being the Anti-Christ foretold in the bible.

“Why hasn’t anybody taken a look at Obama’s scalp for the little “666” tattooed there? Asked McCain at a Cleveland rally attended by a crowd in the dozens. “Come on, people. Is there a picture of Obama actually in a church? I haven’t seen it. Have you ever seen Obama with his shoes off? Could he be hiding cloven hooves? We cannot take the chance that we will put Beelzebub in the highest office of the most powerful country on earth.”

Palin carried a similar message to a handful of supporters in Atlanta.

“I have personally seen Obama breath fire on a puppy. It’s true. You don’t see him kissing babies because he’ll burn their tiny little faces if he does. Wouldn’t look good on the 10 o’clock news. That Obama guy is here to enslave all of us and kidnap white virgin females for orgies in the Oval Office. How can any red-blooded American person vote for that? Satan or John McCain? The answer is obvious.”

Obama’s campaign has not responded to the charges. “He’s busy taking measurements at the White House,” said an unidentified aide.

Creepy Gnome Returns

2008-10-21T19:00:00.004-05:00

Argentina's Creepy Gnome reappeared last week in a new locale, the town of Clodomira, Santiago del Estero province. Similar to the first episode, the phone-video sequence starts with footage of young people out late talking and dancing. Soon a black speck is visible on the screen moving up the dimly lit street toward the group. As it draws closer, the pointy-headed pygmy can be made out strolling awkwardly along the sidewalk. There is a terrified scream as the figure nears, and the video suddenly stops.

Authorities investigating the incident say they found no little person in the vicinity, but did discover a note tacked to a telephone pole that was signed, “Creepy Gnome.” The content of the note has been made public in hopes that someone might recognize the style or content and contact the police.

Dear friends,

As I sit by my small woodland fire writing this, I cannot help but recount the familiar words of the Bard from Act 2, Scene 7 of “As You Like it:”

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts...

Good people of Clodomira, I have played many parts in my life. Ambassador’s son. Oxford student. Successful diplomat. Advisor to world leaders. Then, for reasons only God knows, my near perfect existence started to implode. My beloved wife left me for a tattood carni named Garft who somehow was able to satisfy her in ways that I could not.

Then, while on the rebound from losing the love of my life, I was kidnapped by gypsies in Istanbul. They forced me to dress as a deformed child for the purpose of eliciting donations. Needless to say, I felt a prisoner, was a prisoner, and began drinking heavily and smoking opium.

I managed to escape from my tormentors somewhere in Uzbekistan, and made my way through field and forest to the shores of the Mediterranean, where I stowed away on an oil tanker bound for Brazil. In Sao Paulo, I was taken in by a friendly man who said he made nature videos, but whom I quickly discovered was a pornographer who specialized in bestiality. The shame of that period lingers with me still.

From there I have traveled through the jungles and mountains and barrios of this huge continent, searching for peace and a warm bed, but finding only scorn and humiliation. I plead with you that the next time you see me, you do not run in fear or scream, but extend your hand and show mercy to one so small who has suffered so greatly.

Sartre understood my world when he wrote: “Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough.”

I feel I have hurt quite enough.

Desmond R. Whitherton III, aka Creepy Gnome

Michele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals

2008-10-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

In an interview with a Minneapolis radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals.

“It’s a win/win situation,” said Bachmann. “Cattle farmers will no longer have to pay for expensive feed or fertilizer, and we’ll get rid of all those un-American, terrorist-loving liberals at the same time. It’s perfect.”

Asked whether this wouldn’t be considered mass murder or genocide, Bachmann scoffed. “That would only apply if we were talking about real Americans. Then it would be a crime. But these are liberals. Don’t you see? They hate America and every thing it stands for. Why should they be allowed to suck up perfectly good air? That’s the real question.”

A caller wondered how the process would work and whether there might be a financial reward for turning in liberals. “Oh, absolutely,” Bachmann replied. “We would have to depend on our citizens to do the patriotic thing and hand over any liberals they know to the government. Our nation is at stake here people. This is serious.”

Bachmann said she has held talks with national feed and fertilizer companies, and that they have expressed guarded interest in the idea.

Palin opens gift shop on her website

2008-10-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters. “Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket,” said the staff member overseeing the endeavor. Product offerings have created a stir among Democrats who object to what they claim are racially charged items.

“Here’s one example,” said a representative from the Democratic National Committee (DNC). “They sell a ‘Palin Rally Pack’ that consists of a pitchfork, a torch, and rope. What kind of message is that trying to send?”

The DNC representative was also upset by the ‘B.O. silhouette for target practice.’ A spokesperson for Palin claimed the B.O. initials stood for ‘Black Oppressor” and not Barak Obama.

The DNC rep was not convinced. “Either way, it’s racially tinged. They’re appealing to bigots and racists and inciting them toward violence.”

According to the Palin team, the hottest selling item is the Anthrax Stationary Set, which includes the addresses of every senator and congressperson now in office. “As attractive as it is,” noted the gift shop director, “the paper and ink are untraceable. It’s the perfect Christmas gift.”

Couric interview shocker: Palin can’t remember children’s names

2008-10-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

New York City, NY - In a previously unreleased segment of Katie Couric’s recent interview with McCain running mate Sarah Palin, Couric asked Palin about her children and how they would react if Mommy was vice president of the United States. Palin initially denied she had any children, but when pressed, admitted that they did exist.

Couric: Why would you say you don’t have any children when you clearly do?

Palin: I thought we were talking about undocumented workers.

Couric: That was several questions ago.

Palin: My family is very special to me. I love them all very, very much.

Couric: Now your children have interesting and unique names. Can you talk about how you chose their names?

Palin: No.

Couric: Excuse me?

Palin: I’d rather not discuss my personal life.

Couric: You brought your family to the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret you have five children. I just wanted to know about their names.

Palin: Can we talk about offshore drilling? I have notes on that.

Couric: What are your children’s names?

Palin: I would be more than happy to get back to you regarding that question.

Couric: Your husband?

Palin: John…Todd. Oh, now you’ve really got me flustered. I feel like the media has my life under a telescope.

McCain Team Demands Eleventh-hour Concessions in VP Debate

2008-09-29T13:23:00.002-05:00

Representatives from John McCain’s campaign have given the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) a list of demands related to the debate scheduled for this Thursday evening. Democrats angrily responded by claiming the maneuver was a blatant attempt to rig the debate in Sarah Palin’s favor.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said a McCain representative, who asked to remain anonymous. “These are really quite minor adjustments that should not have any impact on the debate itself.”

A copy of the demands was leaked to the press and highlights are reprinted here.

Questions addressed to Mrs. Palin may only include the following topics: Clothes, moose hunting, snowmobiling, make-up, Jesus.

Mr. Biden may not look at Mrs. Palin during the debate.

Mr. Biden may only answer questions in Mycenaean Greek

Mrs. Palin will be allowed to wear electronic devices that may or may not involve a helmet.

Following every response by Mr. Biden, the moderator will say, “That is the most ridiculous answer I’ve ever heard, even from a Satan-loving liberal. Don’t you agree, Governor Palin?”

Following each question for Mrs. Palin, she will be allowed five minutes to confer with advisors before answering.

Mrs. Palin will be declared the winner. Period.

Obama/Biden hire Jedi master Yoda as new communications director

2008-09-19T12:38:00.002-05:00

Michelle Bachmann: McCain Betrayed Me

2008-09-12T09:34:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C. – A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president’s spot.

“I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can’t be happening. He’s selected a nobody from virtually another country when I’m standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?”

The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. “I’m more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I’m prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?”

Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. “He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, ‘I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.’ But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I’m late for therapy. Thank you all.”

Red State Americans: Should You Vote?

2008-09-05T11:35:00.001-05:00

As the presidential election draws near, it’s the perfect time to reflect on our duty as citizens to be informed voters. Unfortunately, not everyone who is eligible to vote should vote. That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn’t mean you’re qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn’t automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a more thoughtful, well-informed voter.

#1
The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Chuck Norris
e) Flavor Flav

#2
The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) pituitary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian

#3
The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta

#4
The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin

#5
The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) a drunk
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces

#6
What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys eat their entrails
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) George and Laura do it

#7
Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 398
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two

#8
You have to be at least 4 feet 10 inches tall to vote.

T
F

#9
The President’s official residence is The _____ House

a) Round
b) White
c) Out
d) Brick
e) Fun

#10
Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Chaos
e) Iowa

If you missed any answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you are required by law to turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

Caught on tape: John McCain’s VP deliberations

2008-08-29T15:22:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.

Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.

McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.

Voice: Yes Sir.

McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?

Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.

McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.

Voice: Here’s her picture.

McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.

Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.

McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.

Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.

McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.

Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.

McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”

Voice: Sir. Are you all right?

McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.

Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—

McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.

Voice: But—

McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.

Voice: Yes sir.

McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.

President Bush prepares nation for Gustav

2008-08-28T13:20:00.002-05:00

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

President Bush prepares nation for Gustov

2008-08-28T13:20:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustov approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

Cindy McCain: “I’m buying the presidency for John’s birthday.”

2008-08-20T09:27:00.000-05:00

Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate John McCain, told a group of reporters that she is going to buy the presidency of the United States as a gift for John’s seventy-second birthday.

“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”

Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.

“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”

John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.

“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”

A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.

“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”

McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.

2008-08-04T11:15:00.004-05:00

Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.

An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.

“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”

Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.

“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”

A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.

“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”

McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.

Bush on Maliki – “She’s my bitch.”

2008-07-28T19:38:00.003-05:00

Washington, D.C. — At a press conference today, President Bush was asked how he was able to persuade Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to withdraw his previous endorsement of a timetable for withdrawal of American troops. The President was blunt.

“She’s my bitch. That’s how. Look, these are some type of subhuman species. They’re not fully developed human beings like you or I. They need to be told what to do every minute of the day otherwise they start thinking for themselves and…and of course, disaster ensues.”

President Bush was asked whether Iraq was indeed a sovereign nation or merely a puppet regime designed to do Washington’s bidding.

“No. Iraq is a nation. They’ve had elections. Okay? Now, it’s kind of like a Boy Scout troop. You let the scouts have their say, give their input, but at the end of the day it’s the scoutmaster who has the final say.”

One reporter said the statement sounded paternalistic.

“What?” asked Bush. “Patterns? You think it has something to do with patterns? Like a quilt?”

Bush ended his press conference with a note of confidence for Maliki.

“He’s a good man. I’ve looked in his eyes and seen a wise and good man. A wise and good man without a spine, a frightened man, which is the best kind of wise and good man.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Advocates Backyard Oil Rigs

2008-07-22T14:46:00.002-05:00

Washington, D.C. – During a teleconference today, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that to help cut gas prices, congress should open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, and allow for the expansion of oil exploration in other areas including Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and off the Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf of Mexico coasts.

Bachmann went a step further and said every patriotic family in America should drill for oil in their own backyard.

“Let’s put American ingenuity to work on an individual basis. Most homeowners have a shovel. I say, start digging. If you can get your hands on an oil rig, all the better. But let’s not just sit on our rears watching Wheel of Fortune while gas prices skyrocket. Government can’t do everything.”

A reporter asked Bachmann about the practicality of trying to dig for oil with a shovel.

“Look, I don’t know the technicalities involved in drilling for oil. I just know you make a hole and the oil spurts up. How hard is that? Heck, Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies struck oil by shooting into the ground. So buy guns, people. Shoot the ground. Let’s get creative, America.”

During the interview, Bachmann had nothing but praise for President Bush and his energy policies, saying, “He could drill in my backyard anytime.”

White House Denies Significance of New Locks

2008-07-21T10:19:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C. – There was frenzied speculation inside the Beltway yesterday after it was revealed that President Bush had ordered all of the White House locks changed. A spokesperson for the White House said that this was nothing more than a regular security measure, but members of Barack Obama’s campaign team were suspicious.

“Why is he changing the locks now?” wondered one Obama supporter. “And what about the new machine gun installations and the bars? What kind of message is Bush sending?”

The spokesman was referring to the recently installed machine gun/missile launching structures on the White House roof and the iron bars placed over all first floor windows. In her daily press conference, White House Press Secretary Dana Parino dismissed the concerns of the Obama camp.

“This is typical election year posturing on their part. These security measures have been in the works for several years and just now got the go ahead from congress. There is nothing more to it than that.”

When questioned about the funding for the so-called security measures at the White House, senate majority leader Harry Reid said Democrats in congress were told the money was for grounds maintenance and a new coat of paint.

“They lied to us,” said an incredulous Reid. “As hard as it is for me and other congressional Democrats to believe, this administration out-and-out lied to us. What did they think? That we wouldn’t approve the money if they told us the truth? It’s never been an issue before this. To me, it just shows a lack of trust and good will on the part of this administration.”

Karl Rove Named New Presidential Envoy to Paraguay.

2008-07-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. – Embattled former Bush advisor Karl Rove held an impromptu teleconference this morning form his new office somewhere in northern Paraguay. Sweating profusely, Mr. Rove appeared to be delivering his announcement from inside a small metal hut. His speech was interrupted several times by chickens fighting in the background and what appeared to be native tribesmen pointing machetes at Rove and screaming. The text of Mr. Rove’s speech:

“Fellow Americans. I am very excited and honored to tell you that President Bush asked me yesterday to spearhead a new diplomatic initiative in the strategic South American country of Paraguay. As a special envoy, I will work to establish strong diplomatic ties with the Paraguayan government and oversee the building of a strategic complex to house other American diplomats who will work with me on this endeavor in the future. I truly regret not being able to testify before congress, which I was honestly looking forward to, but my duty to my country and my president must come first. God bless America. Thank you.”

Some on the far left have suggested that Rove went to Paraguay to escape criminal prosecution in the United States because there is no extradition treaty with that country’s government, a charge vigorously denied by a White House spokesperson.

“Everyone knows Karl loves Paraguay and its people. This was an opportunity for him to work in an environment where he can really make a difference. To suggest otherwise is to provide our terrorist enemies with fodder for their propaganda efforts.”

The aide refused to say when Mr. Rove would return to the United States.

It didn't take longa, Obama

2008-07-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

Well, so much for Obama. His vote today in support of the FISA bill granting telecomm immunity was shameful. Broken promises and he’s not even president yet. Just like Bill Clinton, Obama played progressives like a violin in the primaries, only to take his hand off the strings to give us the finger in the run up to the general election. And the Democrats in congress have turned their backs on the people who elected them one more time.

Hell, I was plenty cynical before all of this and it only means one more chalk mark on my massive Wall of Political Disillusionment. The world won’t end because of Obama’s vote, but it is clearly one more nail in the coffin of America.

Cheney Shoots Self in Face. Face Will Not Press Charges.

2008-07-08T13:57:00.001-05:00

Cheyenne, WY – Vice President Cheney shot himself in the face today while hunting pheasant southeast of Cheyenne. The injury is not life threatening, doctors say, but will result in facial scaring and the need to wear an eye-patch, which, according to doctors, lifted Cheney’s spirits when he heard the news.

Asking to remain anonymous, a fellow hunter in Cheney’s group described what happened.

“We had all been drinking for a day or two — can’t remember how long exactly — and someone said we should go out and kill something, which is always a favorite activity of Mr. Cheney’s. So we went to some nearby fields to flush out pheasants or dogs or whatever. Like I said, we were pretty liquored up, so it was kind of a clusterfuck.

“The accident happened really fast. I was next to Dick when a pheasant takes off in front of us. Of course I’m going to defer to the vice president when it comes to who gets to shoot first, so I look over at him and I see he’s aiming at the bird with his shotgun turned completely around. The barrel’s pointing right at his face. Before I could shout out, he pulled the trigger and…well, you know the rest.”

The office of the vice president issued a press release denying that there was any drinking of alcoholic beverages and claimed Mr. Cheney’s face inadvertently got in the way when he tried to shoot a bird.

“This was a tragic accident, but the vice president’s face was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no hard feelings between the vice president and his facial features and there will be no legal action taken.”

New White House poll Gives Bush 95% Approval Rating

2008-06-30T21:31:00.002-05:00

Washington, D.C. – Surprising new poll numbers show George Bush has a 95% approval rating, up some seventy points from previous polls. These numbers fly in the face of numerous nationally recognized polls that have placed Mr. Bush at historically low ratings among presidents.

Asked about this astonishing leap, a White House spokesman explained the numbers this way. “This poll was taken of a cross section of American people who just happen to work in the White House. Women, men, whites….and others, the vast majority agree that President Bush is doing a bang up job.”

A question was raised about the validity of polling members of the White House staff. The spokesman dismissed the concerns as “typical liberal bias.” He assured the assembled reporters that this was a voluntary, totally random poll.

The redacted survey was circulated among reporters at the news conference. Question number seven was: “President Bush has never made a mistake while in office. Do you believe George Bush has ever made a mistake?” Question eleven: “Jesus Christ walked on water. George Bush cleared brush. This means Jesus Christ and George Bush are spiritual coequals. True or False.”

The tabulated results of the survey have been classified as top secret, but Department of Justice lawyers have certified the results as accurate and true.

Congressional Dems to Grill Rove During Golf Outing

2008-06-17T14:49:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. - Backing off their insistence that former Bush advisor Karl Rove appear before congress and testify under oath, a spokesperson for Representative John Conyers said today that congressional Democrats have decided to change their tactics.

“We’ve decided that a non-confrontational approach will yield better results. Congressional leaders will interview Mr. Rove about his participation in the Valerie Plame outing at the Renditions Golf Club in Davidsonville, Maryland in three weeks. Our feeling is that we will garner better information in a relaxed atmosphere without the pressure of a subpoena or being under oath. We feel vindicated by the fact that Mr. Rove agreed immediately.”

Questioned about whether this approach was too lenient based on the gravity of the accusations, the spokesman scoffed.

“Believe me, Rove will be thoroughly questioned during our time on the links. The fact that this won’t be recorded or written down is of no consequence in the bigger scope of things. Listen, there’s a small element of radical bloggers out there who won’t be satisfied with anything less than a public lynching, but that’s not the way we work.”

According to the spokesperson, the day will end with a reception in Rove’s honor at the clubhouse.

McCain Shocker: “Pillsbury Doughboy My Son”

2008-06-13T10:53:00.002-05:00

Memphis, TN - In a tear-filled admission during a town hall meeting in Memphis yesterday, Republican presidential candidate John McCain confessed that he was the father of the popular television icon the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“I made a mistake many years ago, and it’s time I set the record straight. PD, as I call him, is my son from an affair with a young baker, who’s name I will not divulge. I supported the two financially until PD established himself in the advertising industry, and he and I have maintained close ties over the intervening years.”

McCain’s confession was sparked by his refusal to eat a crescent roll given to him by a supporter. “He cradled the roll gently in his hands and started to sob,” said Janice Freeburg, who baked the rolls in honor of McCain’s visit. “I thought I’d done something wrong until Mr. McCain began whispering to it.”

Apparently, the memories welled up in McCain, making it impossible for him to ignore the subject any longer. “I’m not proud of my behavior, but I am very proud of my son. Despite coming from a single-parent home, and being a small white glob of dough, he overcame these obstacles to achieve success in his field.”

Asked whether this revelation will hurt McCain in his bid for the presidency, a spokesperson for the candidate responded. “Not at all. Everybody loves PD. In fact, we are scheduling some joint appearances in the near future. And no, Mr. McCain will not poke his son in the belly.”

The Obama camp offered no comment on the news, however reporters covering the Democrats campaign were treated to a biscuits and gravy breakfast courtesy of the candidate.

McCain Soils Self, Blames Obama

2008-06-10T14:03:00.002-05:00

New York City - During an interview today with FOX News anchor Connie Jobs, McCain advisor Burt Simpleton admitted that McCain suffered from incontinence and had been embarrassed on more than one occasion while campaigning. Simpleton claimed that this wasn’t actually a health issue, but the result of a curse placed on the Republican presidential candidate by the Obama camp.

“There’s no question they are using Voodoo and other forms of sinister magic to attack Mr. McCain and weaken him. They will stoop to anything to win, so placing a curse on an opponent is simply business as usual for them.”

Jobs agreed with Simpleton’s assessment of the situation, but asked if he had any actual proof Obama was practicing the dark arts.

“Of course. We have video of a ceremony conducted in a hotel room in Tulsa that clearly shows animal sacrifice and the drinking of blood. After this, a doll resembling Mr. McCain is torn to shreds by drug-crazed staffers and this is followed by a sexual orgy that would shock Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the film, we cannot make it public.”

The curse, according to Simpleton, also affects McCain’s memory and reasoning abilities. “It has the power to make McCain sound uninformed and out of touch,” said Simpleton. “We won’t take this lying down. We are developing a counter curse as I speak.”

Laura Bush gives up tap dancing to honor troops

2008-06-03T11:48:00.001-05:00

Washington D.C. - First Lady Laura Bush announced today that she has given up tap dancing as her way of honoring our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“I am taking my cue from the president who courageously gave up golf, a game he loves so much,” said Laura in a memo to the press. “We should all be willing to sacrifice for our brave men and women in uniform. I love tap dancing, although I haven’t actually done it in thirty years. The point is, I now officially declare that I will not strap on my taps, if I ever found them while cleaning, until every last soldier is home safe.”

Advisors to the First Lady had warned her that images of her tap dancing might send the wrong message to our troops overseas.

“It pains me deeply that soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan cannot tap dance when they want to. That is a freedom they are fighting to preserve for all of us and I salute them for it. I want the troops to know that I support them, so I will tap dance no more.”

An unnamed source close to Mrs. Bush said she will continue doing the Samba, but will cut back on interpretive jazz dancing.

Latest Bush Tell-All: Animal Sacrifice. News Media Yawns.

2008-05-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

Washington D.C. - Following hot on the heels of former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan’s book, “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” a new memoir has surfaced written by General X, detailing startling revelations about the workings of the Bush administration.

Excerpts from the book detail bizarre secret ceremonies that included animal sacrifices, sexual orgies, and a fight club held regularly in the sub-basement of the White House. The author claims to have been in attendance at several of the quasi-religious functions. “The large room was lit by candles and incense permeated the air. A man (I believe it was Rumsfeld) wearing only a Richard Nixon mask and white shoes stood behind an altar holding a large knife. A live goat was brought in and held on the altar while the man with the knife read poems by Ezra Pound and sang selected passages from Project for the New American Century. Then the goat was slaughtered and the still beating heart passed around. The ceremony ended with attendees swearing their allegiance to Zircon, Horned Underlord of the Neocons, and then we all drank scotch.”

General X also describes late-night sexual orgies held in “theme” rooms in the White House. “The one I participated in was Mother Goose, and everyone wore costumes of nursery rhyme characters. The president was Little Bo Peep, and Rove, as I recall, was Humpty Dumpty. Actual sheep were brought in, and I leave the rest to your imagination.”

Despite the incendiary revelations by General X, the news media is largely ignoring his allegations. “This is old stuff,” said one network anchor. “We’ve heard all these charges before, and frankly, who cares?” A reporter from ABC News echoed this sentiment. “What’s the story here? Animal sacrifice? Sex orgies? Boooring.” A long-time news editor from NPR summed it up this way. “It’s a non-starter. People expect this kind of thing from Washington.”

The book will be published by Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins, and working titles leaked to the press include, “Karl Rove Gives Good Head,” “Caligula II” and “My Pet Goat Goes to Washington.”

The President’s Ultimate Sacrifice: No Golf!

2008-05-14T13:53:00.003-05:00

Washington, D.C. - In a move that has sent shockwaves around the globe, President George Bush told the media that he has given up golfing in tribute to the brave men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The astonishing selflessness of the President’s action brought tears to the eyes of even the most jaded journalists.

“I started balling like a baby when I heard the president’s statement,” said Bill Boredim from the AP. “I’ve reported on wars, natural disasters, but this was without a doubt the most emotional moment of my career.”

This reflected the sentiments of others who heard the news. Nancy Mindlass, a veteran FOX news reporter, said she wished she could have given Bush a hug. “I can’t even find the words to express my gratitude to the Commander and Chief of this country for this amazing sacrifice, and I make my living with words.”

First Lady Laura Bush was especially moved by her husband’s courageous commitment. “He has always loved golf so much. This was truly a very, very difficult decision for him to make. I am so proud of that man.”

Grateful messages from around the world began pouring into the White House as the news spread of Bush’s announcement. Professional golfers will wear black armbands at tournaments to show their solidarity with the president, and all golf flags across the nation will fly at half-mast.

Cheney Survives ‘Near-life’ Experience

2008-05-02T11:55:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C. – Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for ‘acute signs of life’ associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney’s pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Fortunately, the vice president’s wife, Lynne, was in the room and recognized the symptoms immediately.

“When he began sobbing during a newscast, I knew something was wrong,” recounted Mrs. Cheney, who immediately called for an ambulance. “He said he wanted to give me a big hug and start a list of all his sins and transgressions. I tried not to panic, but I was frightened because I’d never seen Dick like that before. Believe me, it’s a side of him I hope I never see again.”

Although aides have not confirmed the report, Nurses attending Cheney after his surgery said he described himself as floating above his body, and then walking down a long tunnel toward a bright light. As he neared the end of the tunnel, he was greeted by specters that included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rachel Carson, John Lennon, and Gandhi. He’s reported to have said, “At that point I knew I was being sent to hell, so I did everything in my power to return to my physical body.”

Doctors removed the malfunctioning pacemaker and replaced it with heart-shaped clock.

High time for change

2008-04-21T11:01:00.002-05:00

This Sunday, 10,000 people gathered on the University of Boulder campus for the annual 4/20 Pot Smoke-Out. At 4:20 p.m., thousands of participants lit pipes, bongs and joints to celebrate the magical properties of marijuana and get a righteous Rocky Mountain high. In years' past, when the crowds were smaller, the Boulder police tried various strong-arm methods to dissuade attendance, include hosing people and posting photos of smokers online. Despite the Draconian methods, the event has grown dramatically.

What was most interesting to me was what didn’t happen at this gathering of mostly college-age students. No one was arrested. No fights. No vandalism. The police did not issue a single citation.

Now, just imagine if this was the 4/20 Jack Daniels Drink-Out, and there were 10,000 people knocking down shots of bourbon.

It’s really time to rethink this country’s drug laws.

Is America Becoming a Fascist Society?

2008-04-15T15:48:00.004-05:00

I took this from a letter over on Common Dreams. I've seen it before, but I think it's a very relevant mirror for us to hold up and look at ourselves. Too many of the 14 characteristics are uncomfortably familiar. The point made by many others, but that bears repeating, is that fascism does not descend on a country or a people from on high with claps of thunder and jack-booted armies goose stepping through the streets. It infests the body politic slowly, quietly, until you wake up one morning and the disease has spread too far and the prognosis is a prolonged, painful death. Is it too late for us?

Fourteen Defining
Characteristics Of Fascism
By Dr. Lawrence Britt
Source Free Inquiry.co
5-28-3

Dr. Lawrence Britt has examined the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia) and several Latin American regimes. Britt found 14 defining characteristics common to each:

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism - Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights - Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of “need.” The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4. Supremacy of the Military - Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5. Rampant Sexism - The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Divorce, abortion and homosexuality are suppressed and the state is represented as the ultimate guardian of the family institution.

6. Controlled Mass Media - Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.

7. Obsession with National Security - Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8. Religion and Government are Intertwined - Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government’s policies or actions.

9. Corporate Power is Protected - The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10. Labor Power is Suppressed - Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts and letters is openly attacked.

12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment - Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.

13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption - Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.

14. Fraudulent Elections - Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

McCain confuses Sunnis, Shi’ites and Shriners

2008-04-09T14:21:00.001-05:00

Presidential hopeful John McCain seemed once again confused about who the enemy is in Iraq. At a speech before the National Association of Really Old People (NAROP) in Cleveland, McCain made the claim that the surge had put the Shriners on the run.

“Make no mistake,” said McCain, “our brave men and women in uniform are defeating the insurgent Shriners sponsored by El Boom Shacka Lacka. Even with extensive support from Iran, those moped-driving maniacs are being rounded up and disarmed. I’ll tell you quite honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I always suspected this group was a front for something more ominous, with their fez’s and Imperial Potentates. Now, they’re going to need those precious hospitals of theirs for the wounded.”

In the question and answer period following the talk, McCain was asked by a self-proclaimed Shriner what proof he had that Shriners were involved in military actions in Iraq.

“Go back to your temple and sit on your fez,” shouted an emotional McCain. “Oh you talk a good game, but you’re just another Iraqi sect trying to tear down a fledgling democracy and create chaos. Parades every day, that’s what you want. And you want everyone to wear crazy clothes. Well we’re not going to stand for it. You’ve failed and we’ve won.”

McCain then attempted to run after the questioner before being bogged down in a sea of wheelchairs.

Can Bush Keep Surge Up?

2008-04-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. - At a news conference today, President Bush reiterated his determination to continue the surge despite escalating violence in Iraq.

“We will not withdraw until this operation reaches a climax,” Bush told reporters. “We will keep pushing and pushing the enemy as hard as we can.”

In answer to critics who say the surge is softening, Bush was clear. “Our commitment remains firm and hard. Sure, it’s a lot of work. No one said it would be easy, but once we finish off the terrorists, tension will be released and the Iraqi people will be able to breath a heavy sigh of relief.”

A reporter wondered if he was satisfied with the Iraq government’s response to the surge. “They have been very excited by it and stimulated to respond appropriately. They believe as I believe that success is coming.”

President Bush bristled at a suggestion that our troops did not have adequate protection in that messy region. “Our brave soldiers are well protected and I know for a fact that they only shoot when absolutely necessary, but when the time comes, they will fire their weapons without hesitation.”

The news conference was called to an abrupt end and the president was seen walking unsteadily back into the White House. The White House physician later told reporters that the president had suffered from a pulled groin muscle.

Cheney gives unprecedented tour of “Veep Cave”

2008-04-04T13:04:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago, Vice President Dick Chaney gave Washington Times reporter Bob Cobb an exclusive, first ever tour of the VP’s secure residence where he stays between speeches and appearances on talk shows. The location is obviously top secret, and Cobb had to endure hours wearing a blindfold and earplugs before reaching his destination.

Once the blindfold was removed, Cobb stood in the main room of what he described as, “Batman’s wet dream.” Cheney began his tour with some background on the cavernous structure.

Cheney – Amazing, isn’t it? This is the main room. There is 200 feet of rock between the ceiling and the planet’s surface. Air purifiers are located in hidden mine shafts guarded 24-hours a day. There’s a massive tunnel system, and I can travel from here to just about anywhere in the U.S. underground.

Cobb – How often has the president been here?

Cheney – He doesn’t know where it is, and I prefer it that way.

Cobb – I imagine you could live through just about anything down here.

Cheney – What do you mean by that? Did someone say something to you about nuclear war? Give me names.

Cobb – Please calm down, sir. No one said anything about nuclear war. Except you.

Cheney – Don’t get cute. Over there is a fully equipped cardiology unit I extracted from an East Coast hospital. The staff can be a bit grumpy about missing family and such, but goddamn it, this is national security. One has to question their priorities. And that hallway there leads to my small game park.

Cobb – Oh. Is that in order to save certain species should a disaster happen?

Cheney – No. It’s to shoot rabbits and squirrels and stray cats. I can’t go 48 hours without killing something. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Cobb – Uh, where do you sleep?

Cheney – Sleep?

Cobb – How about a kitchen? Do you have one of those?

Cheney – Over there is the doorway to a five-star restaurant I named “The Last Supper Club.” Clever. Huh? Jacket and tie required.

Cobb – And what’s through that hallway?

Cheney – My state-of-the-art torture chamber and gym. Kills two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Cobb – Well, Mr. Vice President, this has been fascinating, but I am on deadline. Can we head back to the surface now?

Cheney – I’m sorry, Mr. Cobb, but that won’t be possible. You’ll have to send your story from here.

Cobb – What? When can I leave?

Cheney – Uh, never. You’ve seen what no other man on earth has seen and lived to tell about, so I’m afraid you’ll have to stay here now. Or be shot. Come on, the special tonight is rabbit stew. Killed it myself. Mmmmm.

You can give a mouse a cookie…but that doesn’t make him a baker

2008-03-27T12:33:00.001-05:00

From today’s boingboing.net:

Pilot shoots hole in cockpit - trust is not transitive
Posted by Cory Doctorow, March 27, 2008 5:34 AM

Remember when they gave pilots guns to increase airplane security? On Saturday, a US Airways pilot accidentally fired his gun in the cockpit while trying to stow it, blowing a hole in the plane. Security expert Peter Biddle uses this as an object lesson to explain why "trust isn't transitive."

Let’s look at this quote from the article in question, attributed to Mike Boyd: “if somebody who has the ability to fly a 747 across the Pacific wants a gun, you give it to them.” This is a horribly flawed assumption, because it assumes that trust is transitive, when clearly it isn’t.

The reason trust isn’t transitive is because trust is most often based on data regarding the past which allows us to make assumptions about specific competence, quality of performance, and behaviors in the future.

We can assume that a trained pilot, when facing piloty thingies, will act like a trained pilot. WE CANNOT ASSUME THAT A TRAINED PILOT WILL ACT LIKE A TRAINED LION-TAMER WHEN FACING A WILD LION.

Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another. Saliently, the pilot in question must have thousands of hours of flight time, has done the pre-flight check hundreds or even thousands of times, has been steeped in pilot-ness and thus pilot-safety, probably since he was a late teen. He’s very likely an extraordinarily safe pilot. We can assume that every experienced 747 pilot has a keen awareness of the potential lethality of full loaded 747. In the past we can assume that they at least had a deep appreciation of the potential for harm to their own passengers, and post 9/11 we can assume that they appreciate the harm their plane can be to thousands of additional people.

The argument that Biddle makes goes directly to the heart of the larger issue of guns and self-defense. Pro-gun advocates have long claimed that people with training in how to shoot and handle a gun are qualified enough to own a gun for self-defense.

I have always had problems with that line of reasoning, but Biddle nails it in his explanation: We cannot assume that a trained pilot will act like a trained lion-tamer when facing a wild lion. I would add: You cannot assume that a mechanic or accountant or store clerk will act like a trained police officer when facing a criminal.

Showing someone how to shoot a gun is not the equivalent of attending a police academy and coming face to face with criminals on a daily basis. Police officers are trained over many months in how to act in stressful, life or death situations and, once on the job, they face those kinds of situations frequently.

As a writer, I simply do not encounter life or death situations where I have to decide whether to pull a trigger or not. How can I predict how I would act if I had a gun in my back pocket and I felt threatened? Yeah, I know how to aim and shoot the weapon, but my hand will be shaking, my mind racing, my adrenaline pumping. Will I make the right decision? Will I hurt or kill an innocent bystander? Is it a burglar rummaging around downstairs or my oldest son making a surprise visit home from college?

Giving a person a gun and showing him how to use it is not the same thing as training him about when, where and why to use it. Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another.

Dim Bulb Bachmann Does it Again

2008-03-26T10:59:00.001-05:00

The United States is beginning its sixth year of war in Iraq with no end in sight. Our military war dead now top 4,000, with hundreds of thousands of Iraqis either dead or displaced. America is on the brink of an economic recession if not already in one. Our standing in the world is at an all-time low. The president and vice president dismiss the will of the people and thumb their noses at the democratic process.

And Minnesota representative Michele Bachmann wants to talk about light bulbs.

The intellectually vapid Bachmann has found yet another way to embarrasses her home state in front of the world. In a move that can only be seen as ideological grand standing, Bachman has introduced something called the “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act” in the house. Yes, you read that right.

According to the Star-Tribune, Bachmann “…is challenging the nation's embrace of energy-efficient compact fluorescent lights, saying the government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy.”

Global warming as a result of human activity is a hoax, according to Bachmann, thus her courageous pro-choice light bulb stance.

Poor Michele is forever in the dark, substituting rote conservative dogma for actual thinking. I guess that makes her the ideal candidate for a position in the Bush administration in its remaining months. A long black robe, perhaps?

Bush’s “Before-I-Leave-Office-To-Do-List” Leaked to Press

2008-03-20T12:58:00.001-05:00

A reporter from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune was mistakenly e-mailed President Bush’s personal “to-do” list for his remaining time in office. The list is now being quickly circulated around the Internet.

Boink Senator Bachmann

Finish “My Pet Goat”

Start a war with Iran

Find Paraguay on the map

Look into this ‘Internet’ thing

Find out where in the hell Cheney goes to hide

Waterboard Keith Olbermann

Drop a nuke somewhere

Take a ride on that UFO stashed in New Mexico

FINAL DAY ACTIVITIES

Super-glue all the drawers shut

Put cellophane under the toilet seats

Take soap, towels, ashtrays, shampoo

Blame the Democrats

Creepy Argentinean Gnome to Appear on Dancing With The Stars

2008-03-13T09:46:00.002-05:00

The YouTube phenom “Creepy Gnome” has signed a deal for an undisclosed six-figure amount to appear on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. The half-pint hoofer caused an international buzz when he was captured on video emerging from some brush to drop a loopy sidestep in the middle of la calle. The Argentinean teenagers who witnessed the gnome’s signature soft-shoe were not amused and ran from the scene shrieking in fear. The gnome says it was all a misunderstanding.

“I’ll admit I was off my game that night. There was a party in my neighborhood and the Sangria was flowing…. Honestly, I didn’t mean to scare the kids, but I can understand why they ran. As you can see from the video, my timing was awful, frightening, you might say. I’d have run off, too.”

Creepy will be teamed up with Monica Seles for a show to air sometime in the fall. Seles put on a brave face for the media, but it was apparent a gnome was not her first choice as a partner.

“He’s so tiny I may have to dance on my knees. Honestly, just the thought of touching it makes my skin crawl, but a contract is a contract.”

ABC’s publicity department has the diminutive dancer on a grueling promotional blitz that will cover major cities in the United States throughout the summer.

“Everything I knew up to this point I learned from Michael Jackson videos,” admitted Creepy. “But now I’m working with some pros and the salsa is coming along nicely, thank you very much. I’m excited about the show.”

Working Class Hero?

2008-03-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

I was intrigued this morning by some examples of work I came across by a professional photographer. Shot for an annual report, the beautiful black and white photos captured employees of a power company carrying out their daily duties as linemen, equipment operators, plant managers, etc. One striking photo frames a group of three linemen with the vast plains of western Colorado as their background. One square-jawed guy has a droopy moustache, and another is clearly Native American. Exchange the hard hats and tool belts for Stetsons and chaps and you have an archetypal image of the 19th-century cowboy.

Compare these shots of weatherworn American laborers with the photo taken of the company’s president. The images could not be starker in contrast. In this instance, the black and white Polaroid transfer technique works against its subject. In his tailored black suit and sporting the standard-issue executive haircut with expertly situated wisps of grey, the president sits leaning forward, his hands loosely clasped together in what was surely intended to convey a thoughtful, engaged mood. Dark eyes open just an uneasy fraction too wide stare from behind frameless glasses. All of this plus the sepia tone give the photo an eerie mid-twentieth century feel when captains of capitalism were building financial empires on the backs of the working-class here and abroad, busting unions, and plotting the overthrow of our government.

Unfortunately, from Prescott Bush to George W. H. Bush, things haven’t changed all that much, and in some ways have gotten worse. The visual contrast between the photos on my desk is just as easily a metaphor for our current era out-of-control capitalism, where the average CEO earns 369 times as much as the average worker, unions are dwindling, and companies have severed ties to national interests. John Lennon released “Working Class Hero” in 1970. I couldn’t remember a lot of the words, so I googled the lyrics and found it was as absolutely dead-on today as it was 38 years ago.

Working Class Hero
by John Lennon

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you're so clever and class less and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

A Sneak Peak at the Bush Presidential “Library”

2008-03-03T13:45:00.002-06:00

Washington, D.C. - A general organizational outline of the proposed George H. Bush Presidential Library was leaked to the press today. The library, which will be housed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, will contain a highly selective collection of unclassified documents, notes and memorabilia from Bush’s eight years as president. Sources say that President Bush himself has been very involved in selecting materials for the library, and that the following list reflects his preferences. The library will be organized by the following topics under which will be found several representative examples:

THE MAN BEHIND THE PRESIDENT
Favorite Fart Jokes
Naughty Doodles Made During Meetings
Photo collection of the president’s favorite body builders
The President Wrestles and Kills a Grizzly with his Bare Hands (Diorama)

THE FIRST LADY
“Why the Caged Bird Sings” and other relevant readings
Cute Clothes I’ve Worn: A Historical Retrospective
What’s on Laura’s Mind? (interactive)

INTERNATIONAL POLICY
Countries I Would Have Bombed Given the Chance
President Bush’s Contributions to Middle East Peace
Game Arcade: Find Osama bin Laden. Nuke ‘em All. Support the Right Dictator.

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
“Let’s Nuke San Francisco.” The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Bush’s Inner Circle
Me and Condi
The Cheney Weapons Collection and Fear Factory
The Cake Walk
The President’s Enemies List. (allow a full day)

DOMESTIC POLICY
“I spied on you because I loved you.” The President Reminiscences About Domestic Spying
Why Giving the Wealthiest Americans More Money is Good. (PowerPoint presentation)
The Hall of Signing Statements (allow a full day)

Bad Boomers

2008-02-29T16:56:00.001-06:00

In the comments section of an article chronicling the latest Bush administration embarrassment (I know, it’s so hard to keep up), a letter writer laid blame at the feet of baby boomers for screwing things up for the next generation. After all, Bush is a boomer.

At first I was a little ticked off, being a boomer myself. Kind of a broad swipe, in my opinion. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this person was right on target. For those of us hovering around the mid-century mark, things started off with a bong, er, bang, and quickly went downhill from there.

The 60s were an awesome party (I’m glad I was alive to go to it) and for a brief moment in time there were a lot of young people around the world who actually believed they could change the system for the better. All you need is love. We did help stop a war, got the environmental movement going, moved women’s issues to the forefront of national debate, shined the harsh light of reality on institutional racism in the South, turned Rock & Roll into a world-wide force, and got high. Not a bad day’s work, in my book.

Then something happened. We went from Woodstock to Altamont in the blink of an eye. Camelot morphed into Watergate. Love turned to anger and bitterness. Tricky Dick got his revenge, and we helped him. And we’ve given Republicans 26 of the last 38 years to govern this country, culminating with the man who will hold the title of worst president in American history. And we helped.

We, and the children we raised to adulthood, are responsible for this mess. Wherever you think the blame should fall — the military-industrial complex, the media, the government — we are the ones with our hands on the controls. We have fucked things up in a big way. I don’t know the why, but I know the how, and it happened when our nation turned (or was turned) from hope to fear, and fear ALWAYS plays into the hands of Republicans.

It’s not easy accepting responsibility for what we’ve done. Rigged elections or not, a whole lot of boomers who should have known better voted for Bush. Twice. It’s inexcusable.

We, my generation, have our hands on the controls, but it turns out we’ve driven spaceship earth drastically off course, making wrong turn after wrong turn. Now it’s up to our children and their children to take on the Herculean task of trying to get this country back on course.

They have a right to be pissed off.

McCain Makes VP Pick: Jessica Simpson

2008-02-21T14:09:00.000-06:00

In a bold and surprising move, presidential candidate John McCain announced today that actress Jessica Simpson has agreed to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. McCain was unusually candid with reporters about his stunning decision.

“Look, Jessica is far smarter than her celebrity persona would lead you to believe. I’ve spent many evenings with her recently discussing foreign policy and economics. She’s a huge fan of Friedman’s work. She also has a very strong grasp of my policy positions. And let’s face it, she’s hot. Hot, hot, hot. Very…hot. Steamin’.”

McCain was asked about the tactical implications of choosing Simpson as his running mate.

“Jessica is my very own ‘Southern Strategy.’ We’ve got the good-old-boy, trailer trash vote sewn up with her on the ticket. Younger males and men in the military will vote for us in droves. See, it will be a two-pronged attack, and you know what two prongs I’m talking about. Right?”

Will he have Simpson tone down her sexy image for the campaign?

“Not on your life. We’re going to play up her….assets as much as humanly possible. We’re working on a couple of television spots right now that are going to peel the paint off your walls.”

Reporters wanted to know what his wife Cindy thought about Simpson joining the campaign.

“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet, but she’ll be fine. She’ll always be my First Lady.”

McCain announced that he and Simpson would immediately take off for a week of intensive campaign preparation in the South of France.

McCain Pledges More War

2008-02-20T11:25:00.001-06:00

Columbus, Ohio — Republican John McCain, the self-proclaimed “pro-war” candidate, issued a press release today entitled: “My 10-point Plan for Keeping America in Continuous Conflict.” Insisting that he’s never met a war he didn’t like, McCain promised he would keep America actively engaged in battle throughout his administration’s tenure.

“Let there be no mistake,” said McCain, “Americans love war. It’s in our blood. And I am the only candidate who will guarantee at least four more years of death and destruction. We have the greatest military machine the world has ever known, and by George, I pledge to you that I will use it.”

McCain’s 10-point plan:

1. Increase levels of spending for defense from billions to bazillions.

2. Create a Department of Taunting and Provoking in the Pentagon

3. Treat any country with predominantly dark-skin people as a potential terrorist threat

4. Go Medieval on Russia’s ass if it so much as looks at us cross-eyed.

5. Nominate Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense.

6. Issue weapons to every American citizen over the age of 10.

7. Build military basis wherever the hell we want to.

8. Level Sweden, Norway and any other left-leaning, socialist, tofu-eating countries.

9. Build walls on both our southern and northern borders — one to keep out illegal immigrants, the other to keep out liberals.

10. Invade first, ask questions later.

Cheney reveals post-VP plans: Evil, Inc.

2008-02-19T14:22:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C. – At a news conference today, Vice President Cheney discussed his career plans once he leaves office.

“Many people have been asking me what I plan to do after my tenure as vice president is over. I am once again returning to the private sector where I will run a little start-up venture called Evil, Inc. My carefully picked staff and I will serve as consultants to the world’s dictators, despots, thugs, strong men, and others who rule with an iron fist. In other words, my heroes. We will counsel them on the many ways to keep power through terror and intimidation, and help them build a secret police force, torture facilities, and a highly intrusive surveillance system. It’s a wide open market.”

A reporter asked if this wasn’t at odds with American foreign policy, and Cheney laughed.

“I will be an entrepreneur, not a politician. Morality or even laws of common decency will be a non-issue. Our wonderful capitalist system is values-neutral, which means I can do what I damn well please, along as I make money.”

Another reporter wanted to know if that meant he favored legalizing prostitution, heroin and gladiator fights, to which the VP answered, “No. Although if they were legal, I’d have a big-ass piece of that action.”

Cheney said he had the full backing of the president in this endeavor, particularly if a Democrat wins this November. “George is all lathered up about Armageddon and his daughter’s wedding, so he basically doesn’t give a shit what I do.”

As he ended the press conference, he added this piece of practical advice. “Remember, always go with your strengths.”

Bush shocks world: “I was not born on your planet.”

2008-02-15T13:38:00.001-06:00

In a taped conversation with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, President Bush revealed that he was born on another planet. The admission stunned everyone in the studio, including Kroft. What follows is a transcript of the ensuing conversation.

Kroft: Another planet? What do you mean, Mr. President?

Bush: Another planet. If I said the name of it your ears would bleed. It’s several galaxies away.

Kroft: You’re an alien?

Bush: Yes, but I’m legal. Got all the right paperwork. I was brought here to Earth as a baby and placed in the care of George and Barbara. Nice people. You see, all of this — my life, my career, my rise to the presidency — all of it was preordained. I was brought here to become president of the United States.

Kroft: Why?

Bush: To prepare you for this day. My assignment was to weaken Earth’s strongest nation and bring it to its knees to pave the way for an invasion from my planet. Mission accomplished.

Kroft: Invasion?

Bush: They’re on their way as I speak. Trust me. Enslavement isn’t the worst thing that could happen in your life.

Kroft: This is outrageous.

Bush: Not really. You brought it on yourself by electing a dumbass like me. What were you thinking?

Kroft: We will fight you.

Bush: We’ll you’ll give it the old college try, but the U.S. military is in a shambles, demoralized, leaderless. I made sure of that. My lord you people are gullible. How could you actually think one of your fellow humans would act so aggressively to destroy your own country? Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to go meet the ships and reunite with my real colony. Steve?

Kroft: Yeah?

Bush: Resistance is futile, but it makes for great TV. Carry on.

The Martial Law theory

2008-02-08T11:59:00.000-06:00

During the past seven years, there have been any number of conspiracy theories surrounding the actions of the Bush Administration, from being involved in 9/11 to deliberately lying us into war to rigging elections. Some theories have actually proven to be true (there’s no question Bush was wearing an electronic device during his debates with Kerry), some have extremely strong circumstantial evidence (spinning pre-war intel, election tampering) and some that are supported by very weak or questionable evidence.

One conspiracy theory that refuses to die is that BuschCo is planning to use some devastating tragedy in the United States to declare martial law before the 2008 elections. Over the years, bits and pieces of circumstantial evidence have been uncovered to suggest that this may in fact be a plan, but not nearly enough sway large numbers of people or the media. Progressive BlogGod Kos has dismissed the idea as nonsense.

My opinion on the martial law theory has always been, “hard to imagine, but I wouldn’t put anything past them.” The depths of deception to which people like Cheney, Rove and Bush will plunge knows no bottom. These have proven to be dangerous people in very influential positions.

An article in the latest issue of The Progressive raises the specter of the martial law theory once again. In “Exclusive! The FBI Deputizes Business” written by Matthew Rothschild, the author delves into a little-known partnership between private industry and the F.B.I and the Department of Homeland Security. The partnership is known as Infraguard, and its purpose is to keep essential private enterprises running during a terrorist attack or national crises…including martial law.

So the heads of companies critical to keeping the country’s infrastructure operating during a crises (transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, public health, etc.) receive early warning updates from the F.B.I on potential threats prior to the general public. At the same time, these companies are asked to report to the F.B.I any suspicious activity they might encounter.

It’s a fascinating and frightening article that everyone should read, but what it has to say about the martial law theory is extremely important. Here is a key passage:

This business owner says he attended a small InfraGard meeting where agents of the FBI and Homeland Security discussed in astonishing detail what InfraGard members may be called upon to do.

“The meeting started off innocuously enough, with the speakers talking about corporate espionage,” he says. “From there, it just progressed. All of a sudden we were knee deep in what was expected of us when martial law is declared. We were expected to share all our resources, but in return we’d be given specific benefits.” These included, he says, the ability to travel in restricted areas and to get people out.
But that’s not all.

“Then they said when—not if—martial law is declared, it was our responsibility to protect our portion of the infrastructure, and if we had to use deadly force to protect it, we couldn’t be prosecuted,” he says.

The author has confirmed from others that this was in fact what was talked about at the meeting. More circumstantial evidence, I know, but when it comes to the Bush Administration, we cant’ put anything past them.

Interview with Giuliani: “Don’t call me for the next 9/11”

2008-01-31T13:12:00.000-06:00

For the first time since abandoning his presidential bid, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani sat for an interview to discuss his run for the country’s top office and his future plans with freelance journalist Joshua Binkley.

Binkley
I’m sure you’re disappointed about having to drop out of the presidential race. What was the deciding moment for you?

Giuliani
9/11. It changed everything. I thought to myself, ‘Rudy, you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a traumatized war veteran, a Mormon, and a Jesus freak. You got two choices: have ‘em whacked or drop out of the race.’ Being somewhat cash strapped, hiring a good button man was out of the question, so, here I am.

Binkley
Do you have any regrets? Would you change anything about how you ran your campaign?

Giuliani
Since 9/11, I live one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment of my life, because it could happen again anytime, anywhere. And let me just say this for the record. If a Democrat is elected president, no one will be safe. The terrorists will strike our weakened country and kill many people. But, America, listen to me. When it happens, don’t call Rudy Giuliani to come stand on your rubble and look strong. Ain’t gonna happen. You reject me, I reject you.

Binkley
So you’re saying you wouldn’t help if another catastrophe like 9/11 happened again?

Giuliani
That is correct. 9/11 changed everything. I’ve given all I can to my country. Let Billary or Obama bin Laden do the heavy lifting now. I saved this freakin’ country and this is the thanks I get.

Binkley
So what are your future plans?

Giuliani
I haven’t made that many long-term plans since 9/11. Life’s short. Enjoy it. But I have had many offers. Right now I’m looking at leadership positions in a waste management firm and an olive oil business. I’m also making it known here and now that if I was offered an ambassadorship to Sicily, I would not turn it down.

Binkley
But Sicily is a part of Italy. It’s not a country.

Giuliani
You being a wise guy?

Binkley
No.

Giuliani
Shut up. 9/11.

New APA warning label: May Contain Clowns

2008-01-22T13:01:00.000-06:00

Based on results from researchers in England, the American Psychological Association (APA) is advocating a new warning label for clowns.

The announcement came today from the APA after the publication of research results from the University of Sheffield. Researchers were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards, so they took a poll of young patients.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children,” said a researcher. “Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

The APA suggests that the new warning label (Caution: May contain clowns) be required on circus advertisements, prior to certain children’s television shows, on any invitation to a birthday party that will feature a clown, and at the entrance to all McDonald’s restaurants.

Chairman of the APA board Kurt Phlegmn said, “We are concerned with the emotional health of our children. We now know that clowns are frightening, and if contact with one could result in trauma to a toddler, we feel it’s time to step up.”

Phlegmn said the organization is also looking into warning labels for department store Santa Claus’s, giant Easter Bunnies, and parades.

If I programmed the Talking Jesus Action Figure

2008-01-19T16:11:00.000-06:00

“I’m sorry you’re going to hell.”

“Yes, I do use product in my hair.”

“Pats win the whole enchilada. You can take that to the bank.”

“The ‘H’ stands for Hymie.”

“Well, I just don’t see your name on the reservation list. Can you spell that again?”

“I wanted to try a nice Italian suit, but my agent said the robe was part of my brand.”

“Sucks to be you.”

“It was messiah or carpenter. What would you choose?”

“I confess. I’m addicted to ‘Lost.’”

“I’ll come back when I’m damn good and ready to come back. Capiche?”

“My parents were too embarrassed to talk about sex. Hence, Immaculate Conception.”

"I taught Angel everything he knows."

"Like to pull my string? Here, pull my finger."

"I invented string cheese."

"Whoa. Three days without a shower...in a cave! I tell you, I smelt like yesterday's Gefilte Fish."

President Huckabee? Just shoot me now.

2008-01-17T09:58:00.000-06:00

Why is a nutcase like Mike Huckabee the leading Republican candidate for president? It seems we actually do have a two party system in the United States: one party for sane people and another for Republicans. How can there be that many crazy people in this country? Huckabee should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a group home talking to his invisible friend Jesus, not running for president.

We’re still trying to get rid of one insane president, and Republicans want to elect another one. The depth of their disdain for America seems to know no bounds. We have somehow lost our ability to discern between what is sensible and reasonable and what is senseless and irrational. Huckabee wants to rewrite the Constitution and turn America into a full-fledged theocracy, and a large number of Republicans think that’s just dandy.

This is 2008 ladies and gentlemen. We’ve put people on the moon. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve got flat-screen TVs for Chrissake. Yet there are living, breathing Americans out there, products of our public school system, who believe a man waved his hands and parted a sea. The difference between Islamo-Fascists and Christo-fascists is nothing more than semantics. Both groups want us to return to the Dark Ages.

Huckabee is a freaking lunatic who is enabled by other lunatics. Our fate as a country will be sealed if this knucklehead should somehow make it to the White House.

Huckabee vows to take red pen to U.S. Constitution

2008-01-16T10:46:00.000-06:00

Mike Huckabee rocked the presidential campaign recently when he said he would revise the United States Constitution to reflect “God’s standards” instead of man’s standards. The Republican front-runner said it would be a lot easier to change words in the Constitution than change God’s words.

Comments on Huckabee’s plan from pundits and political observers around the country ranged from, “He’s f***ing nuts” to “He said what?” to “And I thought Bush was crazy.” Ironically, one of the few kind words spoken in Huckabee’s defense came from President George Bush.

“I think Mike could be on to something there,” said the president. “There aren’t enough God words in the Constitution which leaves it too open to interrogation. In addition, I believe we should change our national symbol from the eagle to a crown of thorns with blood on the tips. I wear one sometimes at night. Hurts like hell.”

In an exclusive, this reporter has obtained a rough draft of Huckabee’s proposed changes to the Preamble to the Constitution.

We the [obedient servants of Jesus Christ] People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect [religion] Union, establish [conformity] Justice, insure [church attendance] domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote [Christianity] the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of [Jesus Christ] Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this [Christian] Constitution for the United States of America.

Huckabee has also said that if elected president, he would consider revising the Bill of Rights, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven.”

Out of the Ordinary

2008-01-09T09:27:00.000-06:00

I took a moment the other day to stand on my deck watch two gray squirrels chase each other around a giant oak in my backyard. They ran in fits and starts, stopping for a split second now and then to flick their tails before taking up the chase again. Their ability to follow each other closely at hyper speed on a vertical surface amazes me in the same way flocks of birds do when hundreds swoop and turn in uniform precision.

From trunk to branch and back again, the squirrels scurried around the tree in a frantic race to nowhere. Because they are able to run and react at such high speed, at least from a human perspective, it sometimes looked as though they were a single animal connected by an invisible thread.

And they seemed so fearless. They would chase each other out to the end of a branch that had the circumference of a toothpick, then effortlessly grab or jump to another reed-thin branch twenty feet off the ground and scamper back to the trunk. It made you wonder if the laws of physics applied to these gravity-defying squirrels. Maybe all squirrels are flying squirrels.

After a few more laps around the trunk, squirrel one ran out on a branch to the very tip. There it hesitated for a heartbeat, then jumped to a telephone line, grabbing it with two front paws in a gymnastic maneuver that would draw applause at the Olympics. It then swung from the line to a lower branch, jumped, twirled once in the air, and stuck his landing in the snow. It all happened in about a second, but I believe I witnessed an event that was daring even by squirrel standards.

I say this based on the reaction of the second squirrel. As it had done many times before, number two followed its playmate out to the end of the limb. Instead of instinctually following the leader, however, squirrel two stopped and started and stopped again, clearly uncertain if his friend’s leap of faith was worth the risk. I could sense the angst as the squirrel made repeated journeys to the end of the limb. He was either trying to muster the courage to jump or excoriating his partner for such a jackass stunt. In the end, squirrel two returned to the trunk to greet his daredevil buddy. The chase picked up right where it left off, and the two squirrels became indistinguishable again.

I had observed something remarkable in a very unremarkable event. It reaffirmed for me the difference between “seeing” and “observing.” Even though we see things every day, we miss a lot of extraordinary things because — using film terminology — we merely pan instead of focus. When you take a moment to focus, you find there is really no such thing as the mundane or ordinary.

The ABCs of the Bush years (updated)

2008-01-07T11:00:00.000-06:00

A is for:

Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate, AWOL

B is for:

Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, Bhutto, blind ambition, bunker mentality

C is for:

Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, CIA, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawks, Craig, chemical weapons, contempt, Coulter, cocaine, China

D is for:

Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny

E is for:

Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, echo chamber, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic, elections, Edwards, evolution, electronic voting, endless war

F is for:

Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth, Florida, Franken

G is for:

Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas-guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander, Gore

H is for:

Hate, hubris, Halliburton, hostile, Hillary, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting, Huckabee, Hummer

I is for:

Iraq, inept, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, impeachment, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Islamo-fascists, Israel, incomprehensible, investigations, illegal aliens

J is for:

Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus

K is for:

Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds

L is for:

Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist, legacy, Lieberman

M is for:

Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, McCain, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat, Michael Moore

N is for:

Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, national debt, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind

O is for:

Oblivious, oil, Obama, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio, Olbermann

P is for:

Plame, patriarchy, planes, Paraguay, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, Powell, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, Putin, paraplegic, Pakistan

Q is for:

Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail

R is for:

Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, Romney, R.I.P., revenge

S is for:

Soulless, simpleton, signing statements, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, Saudi Arabia, stolen elections, shambles, Skull and Crossbones, surge, suicide bomber

T is for:

Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorism, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas

U is for:

Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine, unitary executive

V is for:

Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests

W is for:

War, waste, wounded soldiers, wiretap, Wide stance, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz

X is for:

Xenophobia

Y is for:

Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen

Z is for:

Zealot, zero, zilch

“Santa” Cheney says naughty children could be waterboarded

2007-12-20T10:51:00.000-06:00

At this year’s holiday party for Vice President Cheney’s staff, the VP himself donned the baggy red and white Santa suit and “Ho, ho, ho’d” his way around the room. After passing out presents to the children, Santa Cheney assembled the little ones and gave them some inspirational advice.

“You must be vigilant, children. Islamo-fascists can be anywhere, so be sure and check under your bed and in your closet before you go to sleep at night. And Santa hopes you will report any suspicious activity you see to Homeland Security, even if it’s Mommy or Daddy. Say your prayers, brush your teeth, and tell your parents that Santa wants them to vote Republican in November. Merry Christmas.”

An attempt was made to have children sit on Santa’s lap for photos, but this event had to be cut short as the panicked screams of the little ones brought Capital Security Guards rushing into the party with weapons drawn.

As he departed, Santa Cheney left the attendees with a final piece of holiday advice. “Be good, boys and girls, because if you’re naughty, Santa might rendition you to Syria for some “aggressive interrogation.” Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas everyone.”

President Bush to be a Space Case in Upcoming Bio

2007-12-19T14:04:00.000-06:00

Washington, D.C. - Novelist Michael Crichton has been chosen to write the official biography of George Bush after the president steps down from office in January 2009. The author of the extremely popular Jurassic Park and co-creator of the long-running television show ER, Crichton was asked at the announcement ceremony why Bush chose a fiction writer over a well-known biographer.

“I’ve discussed this with the president, and he would like to take a slightly different approach to his biography. It’s going to be set on a mythical planet in the future.”

A reporter asked how the book could be called a biography if it is set in a fictional time and place.

“The essence of George Bush’s life and presidency will be retained, I assure you. It is simply a creative setting in which the story will unfold.”

“So he’ll be president on another planet?” a reporter asked.

“No. At his request, his title will be Supreme Eternal Overlord, and he will have mystical powers to see into peoples’ minds and never suffer from hangovers.”

Crichton also revealed that First Lady Laura Bush will be portrayed as a voluptuous green mute from the planet Sexomite and Vice President Dick Chaney will be represented as an evil black hole which consumes everything in its path.

“This is the creative challenge of a lifetime,” noted Crichton. “Portraying the president as an intergalactic superhero with god-like powers and still staying true to his life story won’t be a walk in the park, but I’ve had tougher assignments, like trying to disprove global warming.”

What's in a name? Ask Jesus Christ O'Reilly

2007-12-18T14:58:00.000-06:00

Conservative talk show host, author, and defender of Christmas Bill O’Reilly announced today that he is legally changing his first name to Jesus Christ.

“I’m just sick and tired of all of the equivocation and trepidation when it comes to saying ‘Jesus’ out loud anywhere but a church. We’re a Christian nation with a Christian heritage and if Jesus came back today, there is no doubt in my mind he would stop in America first. He has an open invitation to be on my show, by the way. So my new moniker will force the weak and the timid to speak the Son of God’s name out loud.”

Christian leaders from around the nation expressed mixed reactions to O’Reilly’s new name. The Reverend Charles Griffin, who leads a congregation of thousands at the Our Savior Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, expressed the views of many protestant clergy.

“Blasphemy. The man has gone insane. There is only one Jesus Christ, and Bill O’Reilly ain’t him.”

However, televangelist Pat Robertson feels O’Reilly is advancing the cause of Christianity.

“Think how many people will now utter the name Jesus Christ and not be swearing. I would like to see more people change their names to Biblical ones. I’m seriously considering becoming Nebuchadnezzar Robertson.”

The Vatican minced no words in a memo condemning O’Reilly, calling him, “…a dangerous buffoon and a heretic.”

Callers to O’Reilly’s talk show, The O’Reilly Factor, have also been split. Although many callers used long strings of profanity, some, like Mildred from Omaha, applauded the change. “I know Jesus is pleased because we had breakfast together today and he told me how proud he was of Mr. O’Reilly.”

O’Reilly is also working on a new book entitled, “What Would I Do?”

Two names. One party.

2007-12-14T11:21:00.001-06:00

The Democrats in congress are pitiful. All signs indicate that they are going to help pass Bush’s version of the FISA bill that will give telecommunications companies amnesty for past wrong doing, and Harry Reid is leading the way.

The cowardice and capitulation of the Dems in congress is well documented. Americans are told that they live under a two-party political system, but that is simply one more Washington-chopped-down-the-cherry-tree myth in a long line of American myths. Our country is governed by a single political party shackled to the money and influence of major corporations. The one-percenters who run corporate America decide which candidates get huge donations and which do not based on a rather simple formula: How compliant will the candidate be to the industries’ wishes (Clinton, very. Kucinich, not so much).

I think this could explain the FISA vote. Congressional leaders have decided that the 2008 election is the most important priority on the planet, and everything they do is weighed and balanced against this singular event. Obviously, holding the Telecomm giants responsible for their evil deeds would make them very unhappy, and much less likely to pull out the checkbook when a Democrat comes knocking.

George Bush is a dangerous idiot who has brought this country closer to implosion than any other president in our history, but he is also a beneficiary of the same corrupt system that lands Democrats in the White House from time to time. Sure, I’ll vote for a Democrat next November, but I view it as a choice not between competing ideologies, but between the flu and the Black Plague.

Talking Jesus Action Figure

2007-12-10T16:46:00.000-06:00

The Talking Jesus Action Figure has sold out at Wal Mart. You still might be able to find a talking Mary or Moses. They’re poseable. Each action figure comes with Velcro so you can attach it to the dashboard of your car or tractor and commune with the holy ones while you drive.

The Jesus action figure comes with a long list of instructions about appropriate behavior with the doll. After all, it’s the Son of God. Here is a sample.

Never look under Jesus’ robe

Jesus does not need a bath

Do not dress Jesus in G.I. Joe or Barbie clothes

You must never decorate Jesus’ robe with Magic Markers or crayons

Jesus never wears make-up

Jesus walks where ever he goes. He does not ride a motorcycle or a skateboard or the family cat.

Do not involve Jesus in battles with other action figures. However, if you remember this rule too late and Jesus is locked in combat with Spiderman or the Hulk, the Son of God must always win.

Never allow your teenage brothers or sisters to play with Jesus. Or your parents, for that matter.

Do not put Jesus in the Gerbil cage.

Things I wish I could be thankful for this Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T13:31:00.000-06:00

The impeachment and imprisonment of George Bush and Dick Cheney

The beginning of the withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq

Progressives in control of Congress

A national initiative to fund the transition to clean, renewable energy

True campaign reform

Regulations that would break up the media ownership monopoly

Positive national goals (i.e., manned exploration of mars, reducing poverty and malnutrition, creating a service alternative to the military)

Universal healthcare

A new found respect in this country for intellectual accomplishments and learning in general

Big cuts in defense spending

Tax laws based on fairness

Gun control policies

An honest and reasoned approach to drug laws

The end of FOX News due to a lack of interest

Peace

Answers.com Creative Writing Competition

2007-11-08T09:36:00.000-06:00

For whatever reason (kidney stones, laziness, Law & Order...) I've waited until now to post this. I won first place in the Answer.com Creative Writing contest. You can find out more about the contest itself at, of course, answers.com, or at larsonidealog.com, but the gist of it is that you have to use words from a list they provide in your story, and use them correctly. So, below is my entry.

The Shrieking of the Monkeys

Savannah. August. A midsummer fug envelops the usual early afternoon crowd of reprobates taking up space in the Shark Tooth Bar. The air is stale, unhealthy. I’m here recovering from a two-day salted nut roll binge, the sugar still coursing through my veins, sitting alone at my usual table. Actually, this is my office. My name is Brock Holberman, private investigator.

A beautiful but nervous doll nearby keeps glancing my way. She has trouble written all over her, and a number of other odd tattoos, but I ignore her, stirring my gazpacho.

Then the raven-haired tomato sashays over to my table likes she’s walking down a fashion show runway.

“What’s the matter? Don’t you like gazpacho?” she asks.

“I’m waiting for it to cool.”

She leans down. I smell lavender and tuna salad. “It’s supposed to be cold,” she whispers.

“Do we know each other?”

“I know you by reputation, Mr. Holberman. The Opus murders?”

“I got lucky. The tenor sang.”

“But you were the star of the show.” She sits sans invitation. “Claire Robin. I have a case, if you have the time.”

I knock my cup of coffee into my lap and stifle a scream. “A…case. I’m listening.”

“My late husband William Robin was the Duke of Hemmels-on-Taddemshire. We were living in Britain two years ago when he was brutally murdered at Kew Gardens by a man known only as The Simian.”

The Simian. “I helped put that big ape in the Big House.

“He’s out and he’s here in Savannah. I need you to get the goods on him.” She scribbles on a piece of paper. “He’s living in a trailer down by the river. Here’s the address.”

I suddenly have a bad case of horripilation. Was I being set up?

“Is this on the level?” I ask.

“What do you think?”

“I think recycling is a good idea.”

She slips me an envelope and stands. “Your retainer. Finish your gazpacho before it gets warm.”

I thumb through the contents of the envelope: five hundred bucks and two tickets to Sesame Street on Ice. Not bad.

I find The Simian’s trailer and it reminds me of my own salad days living out of an Airstream making money hand over fist as a freelance sheepherder.

It doesn’t take long for The Simian to make an appearance. He slips out of his trailer at 10:05 a.m. wearing a banana suit. Strange, I think. Why 10:05? I follow my bright yellow suspect to the city zoo where he spends the next hour taunting the spider monkeys. That pervert’s going down, I promise myself.

I head back to his trailer for a little snoop work. The place is a mess and smells of wet fur. Books are strewn about. One catches my eye. The Fifth Column: And Four Stories of the Spanish Civil War by Ernest Hemmingway. Funny. “Hemmingway” doesn’t sound like a Spanish name.

Then I hit pay dirt. In an envelope taped under a table, I found photos of The Simian, dressed in his banana suit, holding hands with Lady Robin, who’s wearing a Mr. Peanut costume. Then it all falls into place.

I abscond with the photos and head back to the Shark Tooth. Fortunately, Claire is there enjoying a glass of Ovaltine at the bar. After ordering my regular, I pounce.

“Mrs. Robin. Or should I say, Mrs. Peanut?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I slam the photos down on the bar. “That’s what I’m talking about.” The bartender is agog at the images, but I quickly get rid of him with an order for Yak milk. “You didn’t think I’d find out about your…appetites.”

Claire is squirming. “So I like to dress up like a peanut. That doesn’t prove anything.”

I hold up a piece of paper. “Ah, but this does. It’s a letter written and mailed by your husband only hours before his death. It names names”

Several of Savannah’s finest enter and join us at the bar. The ice woman finally cracks.

“That lousy…. He was going to expose us. Humiliate us in front of the entire world. All I wanted to do was hear the monkeys shriek.”

“And once banana boy was out of the picture, keep all the inheritance for yourself.” The cops cuff her. “Now you’re going to find out what it’s like on the other side of the bars, Peanut Butter. Take her away. My gazpacho’s getting cold.”

Done pissing in the wind

2007-11-05T10:50:00.000-06:00

I have no more capacity for outrage.

Bush could soak a kitten in kerosene and set it ablaze in the Rose Garden and I’m not sure I could manage much more than a sigh. The Democrats would feign shock then vote to support the president’s bill weakening laws against animal cruelty. The press would unquestioningly accept the White House assertion that the kitty was in league with terrorists. The American people would be apoplectic for a day and then go back to sleep.

We handed over the reigns of power to a lunatic and his enablers with predictable results—America is in shambles. But with a year to go before Bush leaves office, things could get worse. Much worse. Pakistan is on the verge of exploding. Limp-dick Cheney wants yet again an opportunity to prove his manhood by blowing Iran off the map. Bush continues nominating imbeciles to the nation’s highest positions. Yet this past Sunday I gave the opinion page of my paper the same breezy fly-through that I usually reserve for the classifieds.

I just don’t care that much anymore. The president will continue to do as he pleases and congress will not stop him. The voices for justice are simply too weak to be heard. The Democratic candidate for president a year from now will most likely be Hillary Clinton, who, like her husband, knows how to speak “liberal” during campaigns, but votes conservative when the lever is actually pulled.

And I’m getting sick of writing letters to my representatives. It really is an exercise in futility. My Democratic senator seems to have no qualms about voting with Republicans on key issues, and my stream of embittered e-mails certainly hasn’t resulted in any epiphany on her part.

Resistance (even the quiet kind) requires energy and my batteries have been drained over the last seven years. I’m tired of pissing in the wind.

Dems Fold on FISA

2007-10-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

The Democrats in congress continue to emulate the Keystone Cops as they fall all over themselves while the Republican juggernaut plows through the Constitution once again.

Apparently, after reading some classified documents, Democrats concluded the telecommunications behemoths were just being played for suckers by that wascally wabbit George Bush, and they deserve immunity from prosecution. That just happens to be what the Shrub wants, too. Funny how that works.

It seems that anytime Bush mispronounces the word “terrorism,” moderate congressional Democrats (and what the hell does that mean anymore? Why don’t they just drop the illusion and drag their knuckles on over to the dark side?) urinate all over themselves at the idea of being seen as soft on the flesh eating, baby-killing fanatical Islamists.

Pelosi and Reid are impotent. Reid had the temerity recently to respond to a question about impeaching the president by asking, “What impeachable offenses has he committed?” The Democratic leadership simply doesn’t have what it takes to circle the wagons and protect the Constitution. They’re full of tough talk, but when legislation is on the line they fold like cheap lawn chairs.

Bush and Cheney should be behind bars by now. Instead they’re still calling the shots, pushing around the Democrats and stealing their lunch money. The hope we felt after last November’s election has been replaced by cynicism and anger, and a palpable fear that America is falling into a black hole from which it will never escape.

Goring Gore

2007-10-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

Here’s what prominent conservatives are saying today about Nobel Prize winner Al Gore.

“Look, here’s the guy who lost to Bush in 2000 and has some kind of liberal religious conversion, and then goes tooling around the country spouting pseudoscience about the environment. He’s a sore loser and this is his way of getting back at Bush. It’s pathetic and just shows what a bitter, mean-spirited whack-job Al Gore is.”

Rush Limbaugh

“Who’s on the selection committee? That’s what I want to know. Who’s getting a little something under the table? No one in their right mind would give Al Gore the time of day let alone a Nobel Prize if there wasn’t money or favors changing hands. I’m calling for an investigation of this travesty here and now. Let’s get INTERPOL on this, folks.”

Bill O’Reilly

“This means nothing. The Nobel Prize has no meaning to anyone anymore. They gave it to Jimmy Carter for crying out loud, the wimpiest, weakest president in U.S. history. It’s a joke. Who’s going to win next year? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Osama bin Laden? Hillary Clinton?”

Michelle Malkin

“You know, if Gore really believed in saving the environment, he’d stop eating so much and shed about a hundred pounds. He looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy in an expensive suit, except when you poke Gore in the stomach, instead of laughing he gives a lecture on the melting ice cap. Come to think of it, baking up a batch of Gore cookies (without nuts, wink, wink) doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

Ann Coulter

Another successful frame-up by the Rethugs

2007-10-03T12:59:00.000-05:00

How can people as inherently stupid as conservatives be so successful at framing issues? They’re doing it again with the military.

Although we don’t see ourselves in this way, America is a militaristic society. We love our weapons, violent games, and we tend to place men and women in uniform on a very high pedestal. I think part of the psychology around this is the guilt we feel when we (our government) send young Americans off to die in foreign lands and the rest of us go on comfortably with our lives. In other words, there is no equivalent sacrifice at home (not since World War II, anyway).

So we shield our military from criticism in the protective bubble of hyper patriotism. The irony, of course, is that those who never set foot on a battlefield (Bush, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Cheney, et. al.) pound their war drums the loudest (uniform envy?).

The latest MoveOn.org/Limbaugh brouhaha allows the framers of the anti-Constitution the opportunity to cower the Dems with their overblown, hyperbolic indignation at anyone who would dare criticize a soldier. The frame? Critics of the military are unpatriotic and anti-American. For Limbaugh and others, this even extends to military personnel who don’t stand on the right side of the issue.

So, as usual, the cowardly Dems succumb to the bluster and condemn anyone who says bad things about our military leaders. Never mind if what they say is accurate or not.

I was in the Army for three years. Believe me, people in uniform can make mistakes. And they can also be disingenuous, hypocritical, deceptive, and conniving, just like the rest of us. Why should they be held above criticism? Westmorland and others lied to us about the situation in Vietnam. Patraeus and others have lied to us about the situation in Iraq. They should be held accountable.

There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy respect for Americans who are willing to put their lives on the line for their country. However, a uniform does not automatically transform a human being into a deity.

It seems that for Republicans and too many Democrats, it’s not okay to criticize a soldier, but it is okay to use that soldier as a pawn to obtain political advantage.

What's the matter with Amy?

2007-09-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

Once again, a vote by my senator Amy Klobuchar leaves me scratching my head in disbelief. She was one of a handful of Democrats to vote in favor of condemning MoveOn.org for its Petraeus ad in the New York Times. What could her rationales be?

a) I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want anyone to accuse me of not supporting our troops.

b) I believed the hyperventilating Republicans that the ad was a vicious attack on the general and the troops.

c) I had a killer hangover.

Amy has raised the hackles of many Minnesotans in the blogoshpere and for good reason. Her vote is now part of a Norm Coleman ad bashing Al Franken for supporting MoveOn.org. The ad, of course, uses Amy’s vote as evidence that all right-thinking Minnesotan’s support the hysterical Republican blather about that anti-American group of lefties.

So what is Amy Klobuchar? An unwitting tool of conservatives? A Republican in Democrat’s clothing? A soulless, calculating political machine? A not very smart person? Nothing good on this list from which to choose. One thing we do know is that she’s turning out to be a Democrat in name only.

“Please, Mr. President. Not in public.”

2007-09-21T09:42:00.000-05:00

Minnesota’s lovably loony congressperson Michele Bachmann is at it again. This time she claims that President Bush tried a little grope-a-dope at the site of the 35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis, and she rejected his gesture. According to the site Think Progress, Bachmann made these remarks during a local radio show:

The President and I enjoy a great relationship. When he and I were back visiting the collapsed bridge, he reached over because he wanted to give me a kiss when we were down at the site, and I had pulled back and he said, “What? You don’t want to embrace?” And I said, “The people of Minnesota love you Mr. President, but I think one kiss was enough.”

Where, oh where, to begin. First off, Michele’s assertion that Minnesotans love George Bush is itself a delusion. She might love the Shrub, but poll after poll tells us that the majority of Minnesotans (a group of which I am a member) detest George and his policies.

Then there’s the kiss thing. Her use of the word “kiss” is interesting. How exactly did she know he wanted to kiss her and wasn’t simply offering her a comforting hug? Was his tongue hanging out? His reaction, according to Bachmann, “What? You don’t want to embrace?” simply doesn’t sound like anything Bush would actually say. He might mutter, “Huh?” or “What’s wrong?” but “You don’t want to embrace?” rings false.

Michele has a unique world-view that begs you to question virtually anything she says, and she seems to have a difficult time distinguishing between what’s appropriate what’s not. Hiding behind bushes to watch people: Not appropriate. Grabbing and holding on to the President of the United States at his State of the Union Address: Not appropriate. Accepting a comforting embrace from the president at the site of a terrible disaster: Probably appropriate.

A few 9/11-anniversary questions

2007-09-12T15:06:00.000-05:00

Why do a number of prominent progressives, some of whom have made careers out of questioning the U.S. government’s motives and methods, continue to vigorously defend the government’s findings around the events of 9/11?

World Trade Center building 7 was not hit by an airplane, yet it collapsed into it’s own footprint. I’ve read various attempts to explain this, but none of them make sense, not because they are too technical, but because they simply defy logic.

I’m certainly not an engineer, but I can understand the concept of the heat from the plane’s burning fuel weakening the metal supports in the Towers enough to cause a collapse. What I don’t understand is how hot liquid pouring through a building would weaken the metal beams at the same points around the circumference of the building in order to cause the buildings to fall straight down. Logic tells me that the intensity of the heat from the fuel would affect the metal beams at different areas up and down the building, which would cause the upper section of a tower to fall to one side or another, not straight down.

Why did Bush sit on his ass in a Florida classroom for seven minutes after being informed that America was under attack?

Bat Boy Retires to Florida

2007-08-29T09:57:00.000-05:00

The print version of the Weekly World News has been abducted by aliens and will no longer be found in the checkout lane of your favorite grocery store. In reality, the sensationalist tabloid succumbed to overwhelming financial problems, but who cares about reality? Certainly not the writers and editors of WWN, who entertained millions of bored shoppers in check-out lines with stories of secret meetings between presidents and aliens, Elvis sightings, and, of course, the most widely recognized icon of trash tabloid news, Bat Boy, a pre-Photoshop masterpiece of image manipulation.

What can we learn (or unlearn) from the demise of WWN, which dubbed itself, “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper”? Of course, like others, I’ve always wondered how many readers of WWN took it seriously. Nothing in its placement in the tabloid rack next to the National Enquirer, Cosmopolitan, and Better Homes and Gardens gave perusers a clue to the rags subversive nature. Sure, the headlines and photos were always over the top, but, like a Venus Fly Trap in a garden, it blended in with its environment extremely well.

You never saw MAD magazine or National Lampoon in the impulse aisle, but the tacky, design-challenged WWN was our checkout buddy for nearly thirty years, screaming apocalyptic warnings in the midst of Hollywood break ups and home improvement tips.

Is there a segment of the population out there who believes a 500-foot tall Jesus visited the U.N.? I wish it weren’t so (especially with an election year approaching), but the irony is, with more channels of communications and information than ever before in history, the lines between fact, fiction, news and opinion have been growing less and less distinguishable. Perhaps it’s not ironic but inevitable that we cling to an uncomplicated reality (or non-reality) in a sea of conflicting messages.

Don’t get me wrong. I love (and also write) satire and I think we need more publications like WWN, not fewer. I’m sorry to see the world’s only reliable newspaper fold. The one thing I wonder about is whether we were laughing at it or it was laughing at us. I’m sure it was probably a little of both.

The Zombie Fisherman

2007-08-14T11:32:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the inaugural column of The Zombie Fisherman, a weekly reflection on the elegant sport of fishing. Why a fishing column for zombies? Let’s start by being honest. Feeding on human flesh—every zombie’s meal of choice—often has unpleasant repercussions. The enraged living routinely attack us, hack us up, set us on fire, and shoot at us. Who hasn’t lost a limb from a close-range shotgun blast?

So if not human flesh, whither comest our sustenance? Being the slow, plodding creatures we are, catching animals such as deer or rabbits is virtually impossible. Farm animals are an occasional treat, but are too often enclosed in pens or by fences, which, alas, we cannot climb. There is an alternative, however: The multitude of water creatures in the world’s lakes, rivers and oceans.

Fishing is an ideal activity for zombies. The pace is glacial; it is an activity that does not require a partner (let’s face it, we are not team players); it is not necessary to be around the living; and, if the fishing isn’t good, you can eat the bait.

Tip #1: If you run out of bait on a good day, a small bit of your rotting flesh is an excellent substitute.

So in future columns of Zombie Fisherman we will discuss all things fishing related: Lures, bait, tackle, local hot spots, and for the truly motivated, fly fishing techniques.

Sure, you’re dead, but you still need to feed. A raw carp may not be as tasty as a fat woman, but it’s a whole lot easier, and safer, to catch. Remember, when the fish are biting, so are you. See you next week.

The Zombie Fisherman.

An open letter to all Democratic senators and representatives

2007-08-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

We asked you for results. We get words in return.

We asked you for courage. We get timidity.

We asked you for leadership. We get capitulation.

We asked you to fight for us. We get cowards who hide behind procedure and protocol.

We asked you to save the Constitution. We get a President who continues to savage it.

We asked you to do the bidding of the majority of Americans. We get excuses.

We asked you to represent us. We get nothing.

Who are these people?

2007-08-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

We exist on the same planet, but we live in different worlds. Even though Bush, Cheney, Rove, et. al, grew up in the same country as I did, watched the same TV shows, learned basically the same things in school, our world views turned out to be as different as night and day. How did that happen?

Like an anthropologist struggling to fathom the culture of a “lost tribe,” my mind is continuously trying to find points of connection between the world I know and the behavior of those individuals who make up the Bush administration.

What is it like to live in a culture where lying to yourself and others is as normal as breathing? How does one’s head not explode when facts constantly refute your belief system? How much willpower must it take to deny the reality that stands directly in front of you?

Like a tribe cut off from the rest of society for centuries, Bushites missed some evolutionary steps along the path to humanness. They definitely played hooky the day empathy was discussed. Governor Bush mocked a woman soon to be executed. Rove surrogates attacked a paraplegic war veteran during an election. The whole gang supports economic policies that reward the wealthy at the expense of the poor.

And Bush and his boys must have been lurking in some alley pulling the wings off of flies or mugging kids for lunch money during the lessons of the Enlightenment, the New Deal, the Civil Rights movement, the 1960’s, and every other progressive event in modern history, because they missed them all. The “good old days” for these guys is the Inquisition.

Their God is punitive and angry, their rules are for everyone except themselves, and their convictions are for sale to the highest bidder. Some will say they represent the values of the wealthy elite, which is true to an extent, but there are too many rabid believers who came from humble backgrounds to blame it all on the caste system.

All I can say is that I feel like this country has been taken over by ugly, inbred distant relatives who come for a visit, trash your house, and complain about what a lousy host you are.

A day at the water park

2007-07-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

I took my eleven year-old son and a friend of his to an indoor water park this past weekend. The outside temperature was in the mid-nineties and I was initially enthusiastic about lying in a tube and meandering around the lazy river. That lasted about ten minutes.

After securing a second mortgage on my condo, we had the financial resources to enter the men’s changing room where we nudged and jostled our way to one of two available lockers. The boys were in no mood for orderly processes so we jammed our shoes and clothes into the mailbox-sized hole and sloshed out into the slimy, tattooed, chlorine-soaked nightmare of the indoor water park.

It is a cavernous enclosed facility where the humidity is at a constant 150 percent and nothing ever dries. Ever. The warm puddle of water you’re standing in as you search in vain for your children has been there a growing bacterium since 1998 when the building first opened its doors. The screams of hundreds of children and over-stimulated teen-age girls are amplified ten-fold in the mostly metal structure, and I felt like I had tiny policemen in my auditory canals unmercifully tasering my eardrums.

We find a plastic chair and table that aren’t draped with layers of wet towels and set down our own towels, which seem to absorb moisture from the air and instantly become wet. Before I can utter a single warning or plea, the boys disappear into the madness. With a shrug, I make sure the locker key is securely fastened to my suit and move out.

You don’t rent tubes at this particular water park, I quickly learned. Instead you prowl around the kiddie pool or the lazy river for abandoned tubes that you then quickly snap up like the first crow to discover a juicy road kill. Tube hunting is a free-for-all. Parents mill around the departure point of the lazy river carefully reading body language and scanning eye motion in their efforts to be the first to spot a tuber who might be ready to give up the prize.

I eventually get a tube without making a child cry and head off down the lazy river. It’s only then that I realize the place is packed. My tube is bumped and spun in collisions with kids wanting to pass or older people in front of me whose tubes have stalled. Instead of the relaxing ride I had hoped for, I feel more like I’m commuting to work, except my tube doesn’t have a horn.

Amid the screams and splashing, I have a second realization. The place is teaming with monstrous, obese humans. They are everywhere. Men with guts that hang like garbage sacks filled with Jell-O. Women with roll upon roll of cellulite escaping out of every crack in their suits (and where do they get suits that big?). Hippo families lumber in herds from one attraction to the next. There are white hippos covered in blue varicose veins and hairy hippos who need their backs shaved and baby hippos who look like they are wearing kid-sized blubber suits.

I started making certain connections in my head that took me to a bad place. I knew that I would never want to take a bath with any of these people, even in a really, really big bathtub. Even though I had no idea where the boys were, I made tracks for the locker room. I desperately wanted a shower and dry clothes.

My son and his friend had a great time, of course. And that’s what’s important. Right?

But I’m still having nightmares.

Baby on board

2007-06-19T09:23:00.000-05:00

They’ve been around for years, but I still shake my head in bewilderment when I see one of those yellow “Baby on board” signs in a car window. What does that mean to me as we pass down the road together in close proximity? I’m already distracted reading the sign, which is not a good thing. Maybe in the name of caution I should slow down suddenly, surprising the driver behind me who’s been sitting on my bumper for the past few miles. I could allow for more space as I pass them, thus taking the chance that my tires will get hooked on the shoulder and my car will be thrown into a deadly spin that will endanger the lives of others. Possibly they just want me to turn down my radio.

At any rate, accidents by their very nature are…well, accidental. No one plans to have an accident (unless you’re committing suicide), conversely no one can plan not to have an accident with a “Baby on board” car. It might help if the signs were more specific. “Baby on board. Slow down, asshole.” Or “Baby on board. If you can read this, you’re too close.”

Of course, I could be totally wrong and the signs may actually promote more cautious driving. If so, I would recommend a few other window signs be created, such as: “Relatives from New Jersey on board.” “IKEA purchases on board.” “Born-again on board.” In other words, let me know why I shouldn’t have an accident with you…or should.

Lieberman says bomb Vatican City

2007-06-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

Senator Joseph Lieberman has called on the Bush administration to begin a military assault on Vatican City immediately. Lieberman told reporters he was apoplectic with anger over Pope Benedict’s discussion of the “worrying situation in Iraq” with the president during Bush’s recent visit to Italy.

“There is no ‘worrying situation in Iraq.’ That’s a bunch of Papal bull. These kinds of statements can create doubt and consternation in the susceptible mind of the president, and that’s the last thing we need.”

Lieberman is calling for an immediate apology from the Pontiff. If that is not forthcoming, said the senator, the United States should use the full force of its military might to destroy Vatican City. “It would be a much better use of the land to turn it into a sports complex,” noted the senator.

The Vatican reacted swiftly, calling Lieberman “…a cocaine-addicted lunatic Satin lover who compensates for his tiny penis by trying to start a global war.”

In the past week, Lieberman has called on the United States to bomb Iran, Venezuela, and Hillary Clinton.

Publicity stunts gone bad

2007-05-31T08:57:00.000-05:00

Who looks more ridiculous? You be the judge.

Democrats cave

2007-05-22T15:14:00.000-05:00

The Democrats have deleted any timetable for withdrawal from the current Iraq supplemental spending bill. Bush has won again.

My question is this: How can a large group of educated, experienced Democratic politicians in Congress be consistently outsmarted and outfoxed by a mental midget like George Bush? Is there no Democrat in Congress who’s smarter than George? He continues to make the Dems look foolish and ineffective.

This isn’t what we voted for last November.

Bush names new Blame Czar

2007-05-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

President Bush announced today that he has appointed former Congressman Newt Gingrich to be the nation’s first Blame Czar. According to the White House, the primary function of the new position will be to assess blame for the administrations failures over the past six years.

“For the good of our country,” said Bush in his brief remarks, “blame cannot be concentrated on the executive. By it’s very nature, the presidency is beyond blame, hence blame must be doled out to others. Mr. Gingrich is no stranger to vociferous accusations of wrongdoing, and he is not afraid to heap blame on everyone and anyone who disagrees with him. These are the qualities we were looking for in a Blame Czar.”

In accepting the position, Gingrich said he would work tirelessly to implicate others in the mistakes of this administration. “The Democrats have blood on their hands, as do Americans who voted for George Bush,” said Gingrich. “They should have known better. And they did it twice. Now, whose fault is that?”

Gingrich went on to wag an accusatory finger at everyone from the ACLU to Colin Powell for allowing this administration to make misstep after misstep in foreign and domestic policy. Gingrich argued, “George Bush is obviously an emotionally and mentally imbalanced individual, yet time and time again, advisors allowed him to make the final decision on matters of life and death. This is gross negligence of the highest order.”

Gingrich said his first act will be to hurl blame at U.S. military forces for not having the will to win the Iraq war, despite the president’s insistence on victory. “I know I won’t be a popular figure in my new role,” said Gingrich, “but I never have been popular, or even liked, so whoopdeedoo. I don’t care. Rewriting history is never well received, but it must be done in order to salvage the Bush legacy. And be honest. What could be more important than that?”

Republican candidates spar in first debate

2007-05-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

The recent MSNBC Republican debate among presidential hopefuls lacked any fireworks between the leading contenders, but it allowed those farther back in the pack an opportunity to set themselves apart.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo sparred vigorously in an attempt to emphasize their conservative credentials. It began when the moderator asked the group, “Who here does not believe in evolution.” Brownback, Huckabee and Tancredo raised their hands. Each of the three candidates was then allowed to explain their position.

“Evolution is a hoax,” began Brownback. “It is hubris of the highest degree for scientists to think they know more than God.”

“You’re right,” continued Huckabee, “But let me add that I believe gravity and electricity are also demonic ideas intended to blind humans to the glory of the Almighty.”

Tancredo added his voice. “So true, gentlemen. We have lost our way, and I for one, yearn for that bygone era when religion was respected and permeated every aspect of society. I’m not talking about the 1950s. I’m talking about the 1050s. The Middle Ages, when the natural order of society was in balance.”

“Let me say for the record, that I was for a feudal society before I was against it,” said Brownback.

“I wrote about “The New Feudalism” in an editorial recently,” remarked Huckabee, “Where I outlined my four point plan that will herald in an era of religious obedience, barbaric behavior and unsanitary conditions…minus the Catholics. It’s what America needs.”

Tancredo rose to his feet, and in a fit of passion declared, “These are half measures, my friends. What America truly needs is an Inquisition, a cleansing effort to reclaim our lost society for God. My platform calls for the arrest and imprisonment of Jews, Catholics, atheists, homosexuals, liberals, feminists and every other anti-American element we can weed out. We must smite them all!”

A chorus of amens throughout the studio followed the comments of Trancedo.

Bush reassures troops: You’ll be in Iraq until hell freezes over

2007-05-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C. - Concerned about the morale of troops fighting in Iraq after Congresses’ failed attempt to set a timetable for withdrawal, President Bush sent a message to American servicemen and women assuring them that the fight against terrorism would continue.

“I know that many of you are rightly concerned that you will be sent home to families and loved ones before we have conquered the enemy. Well, let me tell you, that will not happen on my watch. In fact, it will never happen.

“We will not surrender. If you have to stay in Iraq for the next 50 years, by God, that’s what you’ll do. You are right to wonder what the defeatists are thinking when they cry, ‘Bring home the troops. Bring home the troops.’ Do they want us to fail? Do they care more about your safety and will to live then they do about the never-ending pursuit of terrorists?

“You can count on me, as your Commander and Chief, to keep you in harms way for as long as it takes. Remember, you’re fighting so my daughters don’t have to.

God Bless America

George W. Bush

A little braggin' time

2007-04-24T13:06:00.000-05:00

Last winter I entered my script "The Devil's in the Details" in the “screenplay” category in two film festivals. Much to my surprise and delight I received recognition in both festivals. It was selected for “Honorable Mention” (2nd place) in the Buffalo Niagara Film Festival, and I just returned from the California Independent Film Festival where it was chosen best screenplay for 2007.

The Devil's in the Details

Logline: A modern twist on the Faust legend. Advertising executive Danny Laws is on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client and his reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered success for his eternal soul, but Danny turns the tables when he convinces Satan hell needs his help more than it need his soul--with an ad campaign.

Francis, Martin, Cameron, Quentin...listen, I know you guys are regular readers of my blog, so let's not get into a pissing match about this. It'll be first come first serve. Love ya.

Bush Administration to revise the Constitution

2007-04-09T16:42:00.000-05:00

In a bold move that has incensed Democrats, the Bush Administration announced today that it was going to “edit” the United States Constitution to bring it up-to-date.

“The Constitution is 231 years old,” the White House memo argued. “The language is arcane and the sentiments, while worthy in the abstract, do not represent this country’s role in a dangerous world.”

According to the memo, President Bush will be the first to edit or revise the Constitution. He’ll be given a black magic marker and a copy of the document to make his changes. It will then be routed to others in the White House and the Justice Department for their input. “The President is eager to put his “brand” on the historic document,” continues the announcement, “and he has been pouring over historical documents and Tom Clancy novels in preparation.”

A high-level White House advisor, who asked not to be identified, said the effort is merely a logical evolutionary process. “No one drives a car that’s 231 years old. The Constitution is a living document that requires a new lease on life every couple of centuries. It’s not like we’re tossing it in the garbage and starting from scratch.”

On receiving the White House memo, Congressional Democrats were observed tearing at their clothes and shrieking uncontrollably throughout the halls of the Capital Building. Harry Reid, his face a brilliant shade of purple, stammered, “Impeachment…horse crap…lightning bolt…rain fire from heaven….” Comments from other Democrats could not be deciphered or repeated in a family newspaper.

Late in the day, the White House issued a follow-up memo amid the uproar, clarifying that the President would make his changes with a red magic marker, and not a black one.

It lives! Phyllis Schlafly haunts Bates College

2007-03-29T14:41:00.000-05:00

Phyllis Schlafly has reared her ugly head again. The octogenarian antifeminist spoke to an overflow audience (why?) at Bates College recently, fanning the flames of sexual bigotry and demonizing women who refuse to prostrate themselves before their husbands.

An old school version of Ann Coulter, Schlafly’s stock and trade is attacking modern women with zingers drawn from seventeenth century advice columns.

Dear Phyllis,
My husband attempteth to ravage me against my will. I protested heartily, but he would not stop. Is this not rape?
Meg

Dear Meg,
By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don't think you can call it rape.
Phyllis

This cruel and uncaring response wasn’t from 1607 but 2007. Apparently, Schlafly believes that marriage nullifies a woman’s humanity. In other words, her husband owns her.

Schlafly also said that women are “inherently physically inferior” to men and shouldn’t hold jobs like firefighter, construction worker or, of course, soldier. This, despite the fact there are tens of thousands of women working successfully in all three categories.

Like Coulter, Schlafly relies on over-heated, over the top rhetoric to maintain her celebrity status in conservative circles. Her sentiments are shocking to the reality-based world, but apparently that’s what keeps her packing ‘em in on the speaking circuit. Hers was a name I hoped I’d heard the last of decades ago, but she continues to rise from the grave and haunt the rational world.

Hopefully, when the stake is finally driven into the heart of the Reagan-Bush political era and the darkness lifts, Schlafly and her brain-dead peers will scramble back into their holes and stay there.

Working for George

2007-03-20T13:15:00.000-05:00

Working for George Bush sure would be sweet. No matter how much you fuck up, you’ve got a job. All you have to do is lie to him a little (No, man, you’re really smart.) and not bad-mouth him to others and you could murder somebody and not get fired. In fact, if you are extremely good at kissing his ass, you can screw up royally and get promoted or be awarded the Medal of Freedom. How awesome is that?

If Bush likes you, you can do no wrong. He believes that every single decision he makes is the right decision, so if you’re hired by Bush, you must be the best person for the job, despite any contradictory evidence. You can lie, cheat, steal, and break a dozen laws, no matter. Bush will keep you safe and on the payroll.

Congress? I can’t hear you.

Department of Justice? You know where you can stick your subpoena.

Special prosecutor? You’re fired!

Once a friend of Bush, always a friend of Bush. If Jeffrey Daumer had been a friend of Bush’s, he’d be alive and running the Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition. Heckuva job, Jeff. Is it any wonder to anyone why Bush was such a lousy businessman?

Laura left behind

2007-03-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

Washington D.C. – An embarrassed White House admitted today that First Lady Laura Bush had been inadvertently left behind in the Guatemalan village of Iximche while touring Mayan ruins during the President’s Latin American visit.

A White House spokesperson said the incident was unfortunate, but not unprecedented. “Other members of the Presidential party have been left behind in the past. During a 2004 visit to Europe, we lost a senior NSA member for two weeks in Greece.”

Asked how Mrs. Bush’s absence could go undetected for three days, White House press secretary Tony Snow defended the President, saying, “This is the leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen. A man with that amount of responsibility can be excused for misplacing his wife from time to time. Laura is a quiet, dignified woman who, on occasion, can make herself invisible. It’s a Texas thing.”

A spokesperson for the First Lady said that she is fine and in good spirits. “There was no panic on Laura’s part. She was well taken care of by the lovely Guatemalan villagers, and wrote this ‘thank you’ note to her new Latin American friends: I want to thank everyone in the village of Iximche for your hospitality and kindness. You made my stay in your lovely country one to remember. I want to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the Dutch soccer team sightseeing at the ruins. Players entertained me for hours on end with their amazing ball handling skills and…glistening, finely chiseled athletic bodies. Franz, I’ll never forget you…”

President Bush did not comment on the incident itself, but did thank the Mayan descendants who later purified the ruins for not ripping out Laura’s heart on a stone altar.

The Rite of Exorcism of Conservatives

2007-03-08T09:56:00.000-06:00

Exorcism of a Conservative Entity is a dangerous and difficult procedure, and can only be performed by a House or Senate Democrat who has at least a 90 percent progressive voting record.

It is essential that the Democrat who is performing the ritual prepare adequately for the event. There may be no contact with lobbyists 36 hours prior to the ceremony. The mind must be purified through readings of the New Yorker, Harper’s, The Nation, and select liberal blogs. An exercise regimen is recommended as the ritual can be physically draining.

Once preparations are complete, one must assemble the materials needed for the actual exorcism.

Copy of Darwin’s The Origin of Species.

Bottle of expensive French champagne to sprinkle on the body

Peace symbol necklace to be worn at all times during the ceremony

CDs to be played during the ritual: Acid Rock, Death Metal, Jazz, Philip Glass, John Cage, anything in French (NO country, pop or accordion music)

The Ritual

Prepare the room with Patchouli incense. Make sure the subject is securely restrained on the bed. When confronted with reality, the Conservative Entity will become violent. Adhere to the following procedure:

Start the music

Sprinkle Champagne on the subject

Drink a glass of Champagne

Call forth the demon with the following phrases: I will raiseth taxes. Church and state will be separate. Global warming is real. The Japanese buildeth better cars. Al Gore in 2008.

Sprinkle Champagne

Drink a glass of Champagne

Once the demon acknowledges you, read passages from The Origin of Species, interspersed with liberal slogans (Make love, not war. Give peace a chance. Hate is not a family value, etc.)

At this point, the Conservative Entity typically lashes out with epithets like “Commie,” “Pervert sicko,” “Faggot,” or “Jew lover.” You must not become engaged with the entity in a debate. The subject is speaking from a world of unreality and cannot argue reasonably. Attempts to use logic or facts will lead to extreme levels of frustration and anger, which can jeopardize the success of the ritual.

Be strong. Continue the above steps until the Conservative Entity is cast out and the subject can think rationally and coherently. It will take time, so do not be discouraged. Through your efforts, a mind will be saved and the world will be made better through one person’s redemption.

Another McSweeney's reject

2007-03-05T10:16:00.000-06:00

Rejected ideas for children’s toys:

Stumbling Blocks

Sorry My Ass

The Glue Factory

Victoria’s Little Secret

Easy Bake Gas Oven

You know you're getting old when...

2007-03-01T09:21:00.000-06:00

Every sigh is audible and can be heard up to two rooms away

You change your underwear twice a day

Your children laugh at you, not with you

The only stand-up comics you can name are dead

Putting on your socks requires concentration

Rock music isn’t loud enough

You haven’t seen your back in ten years

You use words you never used before, like “blotches,” “naps,” and “stents.”

You pull a muscle at the dinner table

AARP finds you

You can’t beat your grandkids at arm wrestling

After 40 years you’ve regained a taste for Jell-O

People mistake you for Keith Richards

Why is Bush stirring the hornet's nest?

2007-02-28T09:27:00.000-06:00

A disturbing thought crossed my mind today as I considered the speculation around a U.S. attack on Iran. The top military leaders at the Pentagon are against any preemptive action, and there are resignations predicted if Bush starts dropping bombs. Of course, the American people do not support an attack on Iran and the world community is also opposed. There are many possible motives behind Bush’s eagerness to attack yet another sovereign nation, but this is one I hadn’t thought of before. It is horrible to contemplate, but, because we are dealing with madmen in Washington, not too horrible to dismiss.

Is George Bush trying to provoke another 9/11?

The crowning moment of his presidency was standing on top of the World Trade Center rubble with his megaphone surrounded by honest-to-goodness heroes. His polls were up in the 90s. World leaders expressed their unanimous support. It was a point in time when America and the world looked for guidance to the man who had failed miserably at virtually everything else he had done in his life.

The moment would be intoxicating for anyone, but for Bush, it was like winning the lottery and hitting the winning home run in the World Series all wrapped into one. And, because George is George, it all went downhill from there. Today the President faces quagmires in Afghanistan and Iraq, hostile world leaders, a Democratic Congress, polls dipping into the 20s, and more and more criticism from people who once supported him. What to do?

One might desire to quickly and dramatically change the topic. Another 9/11 might do it. A terrorist attack causing massive deaths in America would suddenly put George back in the world spotlight and divert attention from his ongoing blunders. Like him or hate him, he’d be the face of the government.

A large-scale eruption of terrorist violence would also open the door to an option that sends chills up and down the spine of any rational American—martial law. Even those of us who are critical of the administration continually underestimate Bush’s stupidity and Cheney’s malevolence. Declaring martial law would give GW the ultimate control for which he yearns. Bush and company would then have an excuse to round up the liberals, the gays, the unfriendly journalists, and the college professors and provide them all with free housing at gated “resorts” in the Nevada desert.

And then there’s the matter of the 2008 elections. Terrorists have struck again. The United States is in a heightened state of security. The world is in turmoil. The wise thing to do, Glorious Leader tells the American people, is to “postpone” the elections until the situation becomes more stable. Yes, there are soldiers on the streets of Dallas and Boston and Portland, but that is for our own safety and security. There will be national elections again, sometime in the distant future.

George Bush is sticking a twig into the hornet’s nest of the Middle East. Why? The answer may be worse than you ever imagined.

Bachmann Update: Still crazy

2007-02-23T16:00:00.000-06:00

That wacky Michele Bachmann is at it again. In a recent interview, she described in detail a SECRET plan by Iran to divide up Iraq and create a “terrorist safe haven zone” called “The Iraq State of Islam.” Of course when questioned later, her office said there actually is no secret plan.

Thank you, fellow Minnesotans of the 6th District, for sending a mentally imbalanced person to Washington who will provide the rest of the country with yuks at our expense for years to come.