The President’s most recent bicycle accident is only the latest in a long line of minor physical traumas involving Bush and his immediate surroundings. Most of the President’s accidents have been kept from the public eye, but That’s Going Too Far! has obtained copies of medical reports kept by Bush’s personal physician. The records reveal that Bush has had numerous close calls and potentially life-threatening medical situations over the past five years. Here are some examples.
5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Speech I'd Like To Hear Bush Deliver Tonight
Fellow Americans. I stand here before you tonight a humbled man. Today, early this morning, I sat in a small room off of the Oval Office alone, in meditation, and I did something I hadn’t done up until that moment. I reflected on my time as President, silently, in prayer, and I thought back on the decisions I’d made on many issues over the past four years. I asked God, and myself, “Have I done the right thing?” To my surprise, I was suddenly overcome by tears and I wept. I couldn’t stop myself from bawling like a baby. My mistakes, arrogant, prideful mistakes, filled me like some dark spirit filling an empty bottle. I was consumed with dread and fear. And it said to me, “Behold the truth or I will be your companion for eternity.”
I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.
Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.
I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.
I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.
My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.
I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.
Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.
I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.
I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.
My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Class, your attention please...
Okay, Democrats, let’s go through this one more time:
Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.
Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.
Class dismissed.
Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.
Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.
Class dismissed.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
His Highness Will See You Now
“Coming to office after the more casual Clinton administration, Bush imposed a strict dress code and standards of promptness for employees, visitors and even the rumpled press corps.” Houston Chronicle, June 18, 2005.
That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.
May 28, 2005
Office of White House Decorum
To all;
When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:
1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.
That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.
May 28, 2005
Office of White House Decorum
To all;
When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:
1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Thanks For All You Do
MEMO
DATE: June 7, 2005
FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett
TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.
Dear Friends,
I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.
However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.
The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.
Dan
DATE: June 7, 2005
FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett
TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.
Dear Friends,
I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.
However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.
The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.
Dan
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
The Right Man for the Right Job
New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Repost. I've Been A Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
How Wrong Can You Be?
Hi folks. Tim Marshall here hosting America’s favorite game show, “How Wrong Can You Be?” That’s right. This is the show where your ignorance is our entertainment. As you know, the losing contestant gets a whole lot of humiliation and grief from moi just for being so stupid. But hey, it’s funny. So let’s jump right into the show. Shall we? Bob, who are our contestants today?
Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.
[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]
TIM
Gregory, welcome.
GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?
GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.
TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?
BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]
TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.
GINA
What’s that, Tim?
TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.
GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.
TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.
BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]
TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.
BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?
BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.
TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.
BUSH
I understand.
TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.
GINA
Ready, Tim.
TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?
GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.
TIM
Hurry, Gina.
GINA
Okay. New York?
TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?
GREGORY
Who?
TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.
GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?
TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?
BUSH
Ready, Tim.
TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?
BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…
TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.
BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?
TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.
BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.
TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.
GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.
TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.
GINA
Huh?
TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.
GREGORY
I’m ready.
TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?
TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.
GINA
Shoot.
BUSH
Don’t get me started.
TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….
GINA
My question…?
TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.
GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.
TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.
GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]
TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.
BUSH
Fire away, Tim.
TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?
BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.
TIM
This from the President of the United States.
BUSH
Umm, Picasso?
TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”
GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.
TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.
GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….
[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]
BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.
TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.
GINA
Can I come back on another night?
TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.
GINA
Are you kidding me?
TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.
GINA
This is bull—
TIM
Your answer, please.
GINA
Howdy Doody.
TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.
GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.
TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?
GREGORY
Paris Hilton.
TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.
BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.
TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?
BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.
TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.
[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]
TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?
BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.
TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.
BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.
[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]
BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.
TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.
BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.
TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.
[applause and fade out]
Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.
[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]
TIM
Gregory, welcome.
GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?
GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.
TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?
BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]
TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.
GINA
What’s that, Tim?
TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.
GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.
TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.
BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]
TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.
BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?
BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.
TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.
BUSH
I understand.
TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.
GINA
Ready, Tim.
TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?
GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.
TIM
Hurry, Gina.
GINA
Okay. New York?
TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?
GREGORY
Who?
TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.
GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?
TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?
BUSH
Ready, Tim.
TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?
BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…
TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.
BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?
TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.
BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.
TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.
GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.
TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.
GINA
Huh?
TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.
GREGORY
I’m ready.
TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?
TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.
GINA
Shoot.
BUSH
Don’t get me started.
TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….
GINA
My question…?
TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.
GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.
TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.
GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]
TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.
BUSH
Fire away, Tim.
TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?
BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.
TIM
This from the President of the United States.
BUSH
Umm, Picasso?
TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”
GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.
TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.
GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….
[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]
BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.
TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.
GINA
Can I come back on another night?
TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.
GINA
Are you kidding me?
TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.
GINA
This is bull—
TIM
Your answer, please.
GINA
Howdy Doody.
TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.
GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.
TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?
GREGORY
Paris Hilton.
TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.
BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.
TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?
BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.
TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.
[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]
TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?
BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.
TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.
BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.
[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]
BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.
TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.
BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.
TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.
[applause and fade out]
Majority Rules
WASHINGTON DC -- After largely winning the battle in congress over his federal judge nominations, an emboldened President Bush is again challenging Democrats with a series of new House Rules for behavior. The new rules would require that all congressional Democrats wear white t-shirts with a red bulls eye on the chest. The back of the t-shirts would read: “I’m with stupid.”
Dems would also be required to have their heads shaved and have their state names tattooed on their forearms. Before speaking on the floor, Dems must ask: “DeLay, may I?” And when addressing fellow members, Democrats may only speak in Pig Latin.
Needless to say, Democrats are hostile to the new changes. “This is one more humiliation heaped upon us by power-mad Republicans,” noted Congressperson Harry Reid. “The problem is, they have the votes to get it passed into law.”
Senator Hillary Clinton said the law violates any sense of bipartisanship in congress. “It’s insane,” said Clinton. “Their push toward a one party system now includes dictating how we dress. I’ll shave my head when hell freezes over.”
Republicans deny this is an attempt humiliate the opposing party. Bill Frist said, “They’re blowing this out of proportion, but then they are the “Blame America first” party. They should appreciate the fact that they’re going to be allowed to live.”
Dems would also be required to have their heads shaved and have their state names tattooed on their forearms. Before speaking on the floor, Dems must ask: “DeLay, may I?” And when addressing fellow members, Democrats may only speak in Pig Latin.
Needless to say, Democrats are hostile to the new changes. “This is one more humiliation heaped upon us by power-mad Republicans,” noted Congressperson Harry Reid. “The problem is, they have the votes to get it passed into law.”
Senator Hillary Clinton said the law violates any sense of bipartisanship in congress. “It’s insane,” said Clinton. “Their push toward a one party system now includes dictating how we dress. I’ll shave my head when hell freezes over.”
Republicans deny this is an attempt humiliate the opposing party. Bill Frist said, “They’re blowing this out of proportion, but then they are the “Blame America first” party. They should appreciate the fact that they’re going to be allowed to live.”
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Myth Over Matter
As debates rage in Kansas and other states over whether Intelligent Design should be taught alongside the theory of evolution in public schools, the Department of Education has received a number of requests from individuals and groups to include their versions of creation in the curricula. Some examples:
Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.
Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”
Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.
Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.
Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.
Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.
Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”
Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.
Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.
Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
To our Newsweek Readers,
We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.
The Editors
We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.
The Editors
Friday, May 13, 2005
From Sold Out to Sell Out. A Cautionary Tale.
The scene is a ten-year old’s birthday party. Mom is herding the children into the living room of a comfortable suburban home, urging them to sit on the floor.
MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.
CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?
BARRY
Yo, he kicks—
MOM
Who?
JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?
MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.
TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]
BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.
TOMMY
Shut up.
BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.
MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]
MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?
JEREMY
Mom…?
MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.
JEREMY
Ten.
MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.
TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.
MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.
TOMMY
I’m nine.
MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.
BARRY
When are you going to be funny?
MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.
TOMMY
Until you sold out.
M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?
JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.
MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—
TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.
MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.
MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]
MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.
MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.
MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]
MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.
CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?
BARRY
Yo, he kicks—
MOM
Who?
JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?
MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.
TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]
BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.
TOMMY
Shut up.
BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.
MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]
MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?
JEREMY
Mom…?
MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.
JEREMY
Ten.
MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.
TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.
MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.
TOMMY
I’m nine.
MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.
BARRY
When are you going to be funny?
MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.
TOMMY
Until you sold out.
M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?
JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.
MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—
TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.
MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.
MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]
MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.
MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.
MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]
Monday, May 09, 2005
Headlines We'd Like to See
Bush Claims Iraq Epiphany. Will Order Troops Home Next Month.
Ann Coulter: Ranting Conservative Persona Was Satire
“700 Club” Studio Demolished by Twister. “I Never Saw It Coming,” Says Robertson.
Laura Bush Dumping George For Comedy Career
Falwell Caught With Pants Down At Hollywood Porn Party
Bush Impeachment Hearings Begin Today
Michael Jackson’s Nose Falls Off During Cross-Examination
Eighty-two Year Old Lance Armstrong Wins 43rd Tour De France
Gary Coleman New California Mayor
Nichole Kidman Shocker: Admits She’s Passionately In Love With Unknown Minneapolis Writer
Rumors Persist: Dick Cheney Denies Affair with 50 Cent
Perfect Storm Gathering Around Administration With New Media Revelations Of Corruption and Deceit
Ann Coulter: Ranting Conservative Persona Was Satire
“700 Club” Studio Demolished by Twister. “I Never Saw It Coming,” Says Robertson.
Laura Bush Dumping George For Comedy Career
Falwell Caught With Pants Down At Hollywood Porn Party
Bush Impeachment Hearings Begin Today
Michael Jackson’s Nose Falls Off During Cross-Examination
Eighty-two Year Old Lance Armstrong Wins 43rd Tour De France
Gary Coleman New California Mayor
Nichole Kidman Shocker: Admits She’s Passionately In Love With Unknown Minneapolis Writer
Rumors Persist: Dick Cheney Denies Affair with 50 Cent
Perfect Storm Gathering Around Administration With New Media Revelations Of Corruption and Deceit
Friday, May 06, 2005
Getting a Head Start on History
A History of the Presidents of the United States for Sixth Graders
© 2020
George W. Bush
George Bush was the 43rd President of the United States. He was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut and grew up in Midland, Texas. He is the son of our 41st President, George W. H. Bush. The younger Bush became President of the United States in 2001, and won a second term in 2004.
George W. Bush was one of the least popular presidents in the history of the United States. There were many controversies during his time in office, ending with his impeachment for gross misconduct. This was a time in history when there was a lot of terrorist activity around the world. Some Muslims believed their culture was under attack from Western governments. The worst act of terrorism in U.S. history took place during Bush’s presidency when terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings in New York City and into the Pentagon. Thousands of people died. President Bush then declared a war on terror, which resulted in more bloodshed and violence around the globe. At home, President Bush oversaw a very large increase in the national debt, a debt that we are all still paying on today. Other problems during this President’s administration included its neglect of the environment, it’s lack of action on global warming (yet another problem passed on to our age) and its attempts to use propaganda to sell ideas to the American people.
Our 43rd president never ended his second term in office because he was impeached for lying to the American people about why he sent U.S. soldiers to war. Impeachment proceedings happen in the Senate, which is given the duty by the Constitution to either convict or acquit the impeached official, in this case, the President of the United States. After his conviction by the Senate, George Bush was a private citizen. He went back to his home near Crawford, Texas where he lived out his life in almost total seclusion, emerging only occasionally to clear brush on his ranch.
© 2020
George W. Bush
George Bush was the 43rd President of the United States. He was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut and grew up in Midland, Texas. He is the son of our 41st President, George W. H. Bush. The younger Bush became President of the United States in 2001, and won a second term in 2004.
George W. Bush was one of the least popular presidents in the history of the United States. There were many controversies during his time in office, ending with his impeachment for gross misconduct. This was a time in history when there was a lot of terrorist activity around the world. Some Muslims believed their culture was under attack from Western governments. The worst act of terrorism in U.S. history took place during Bush’s presidency when terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings in New York City and into the Pentagon. Thousands of people died. President Bush then declared a war on terror, which resulted in more bloodshed and violence around the globe. At home, President Bush oversaw a very large increase in the national debt, a debt that we are all still paying on today. Other problems during this President’s administration included its neglect of the environment, it’s lack of action on global warming (yet another problem passed on to our age) and its attempts to use propaganda to sell ideas to the American people.
Our 43rd president never ended his second term in office because he was impeached for lying to the American people about why he sent U.S. soldiers to war. Impeachment proceedings happen in the Senate, which is given the duty by the Constitution to either convict or acquit the impeached official, in this case, the President of the United States. After his conviction by the Senate, George Bush was a private citizen. He went back to his home near Crawford, Texas where he lived out his life in almost total seclusion, emerging only occasionally to clear brush on his ranch.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Media to America: Get Over It
An article in an upcoming addition of the New York Times. Page 17. Bottom left corner.
WASHINGTON D.C.—A formerly top secret memo emerged yesterday indicating that President Bush and his advisors may have mislead the American people on the rationales for going to war with Iraq. The memo, made public through an FOIA request, is from Bush to Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and Rice. This is the text of the memo.
Saddam has got to go. I don’t care what lies we have to make up to tell the American people, I’m going in there to kick his ass. I want all of you to fix me up some intelligence that will fly long enough to get this mission started. I like Cheney’s Weapons of Mass Destruction idea. What about some link to nuclear weapons? That always scares the shit out of people. I want all of this yesterday.
A White House spokesman dismissed the memo as insignificant. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Vice President Cheney, when asked about the memo at a Washington fundraiser, replied, “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Secretary of State Rice echoed the Vice President. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” And, in a poll taken shortly after the release of the memo, 65% of Americans indicated that it is “ground that has already been covered. We are tired of it.” Leading Democrats in congress had no comment.
WASHINGTON D.C.—A formerly top secret memo emerged yesterday indicating that President Bush and his advisors may have mislead the American people on the rationales for going to war with Iraq. The memo, made public through an FOIA request, is from Bush to Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and Rice. This is the text of the memo.
Saddam has got to go. I don’t care what lies we have to make up to tell the American people, I’m going in there to kick his ass. I want all of you to fix me up some intelligence that will fly long enough to get this mission started. I like Cheney’s Weapons of Mass Destruction idea. What about some link to nuclear weapons? That always scares the shit out of people. I want all of this yesterday.
A White House spokesman dismissed the memo as insignificant. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Vice President Cheney, when asked about the memo at a Washington fundraiser, replied, “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Secretary of State Rice echoed the Vice President. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” And, in a poll taken shortly after the release of the memo, 65% of Americans indicated that it is “ground that has already been covered. We are tired of it.” Leading Democrats in congress had no comment.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
The Boy in the Bubble
President Bush meets with his top advisors in the Oval Office. Rice, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfield and Wolfowitz sit patiently, waiting for the President to speak. Finally, Bush takes the Washington Post that sits on his lap and holds it up.
BUSH
What is this?
RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.
BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?
WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?
BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.
CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….
BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”
ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…
BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.
CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—
RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.
BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.
DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.
BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.
RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.
BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?
They all look at each other nervously.
RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.
BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.
RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.
BUSH
Anyone else?
RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.
BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?
RICE
First thing tomorrow?
BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?
ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—
BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?
ROVE
Yes, Sir.
BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.
RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.
WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.
BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.
ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.
BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?
BUSH
What is this?
RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.
BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?
WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?
BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.
CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….
BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”
ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…
BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.
CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—
RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.
BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.
DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.
BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.
RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.
BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?
They all look at each other nervously.
RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.
BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.
RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.
BUSH
Anyone else?
RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.
BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?
RICE
First thing tomorrow?
BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?
ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—
BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?
ROVE
Yes, Sir.
BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.
RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.
WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.
BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.
ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.
BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
The Judge Is Out To Lunch
A smuggled transcript of a speech given by one of Bush’s judicial nominees, to a small, private gathering of Federalist Society members.
“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.
“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.
Friday, April 22, 2005
The "Z" List
With the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the U.N., the Bush administration embarked on a radically new strategy for filling high-level government positions. No details are available on the novel approach of nominating the worst possible person for a job, but we do know it is informally referred to as “Reverse Assmosis.” That’s Going Too Far! did, however, obtain a copy of a confidential list of future Bush nominees for vacant or soon to be vacant government positions.
Secretary of the Treasury – Kenneth Lay
Head of the DEA – Rush Limbaugh
Head of Homeland Security – Jack Black
Head of Veterans Affairs – Jane Fonda
Director of the CIA – Cedric the Entertainer
Ambassador to France – Ann Coulter
Secretary of Education – Mike Tyson
Head of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – Paris Hilton
Head of the National Endowment for the Arts – Snoop Dogg
Ambassador to Iran – Jerry Falwell
Secretary of the Health and Human Services – Hugh Heffner
Secretary of Agriculture – Martha Stewart
Secretary of the Treasury – Kenneth Lay
Head of the DEA – Rush Limbaugh
Head of Homeland Security – Jack Black
Head of Veterans Affairs – Jane Fonda
Director of the CIA – Cedric the Entertainer
Ambassador to France – Ann Coulter
Secretary of Education – Mike Tyson
Head of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – Paris Hilton
Head of the National Endowment for the Arts – Snoop Dogg
Ambassador to Iran – Jerry Falwell
Secretary of the Health and Human Services – Hugh Heffner
Secretary of Agriculture – Martha Stewart
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A Man Of Peace
The transcript of John Bolton’s final appearance before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.
LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.
BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.
LUGAR
Excuse me?
BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.
VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.
BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.
VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.
BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?
LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,
BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.
BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?
BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.
BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?
BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.
DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?
BOLTON
Define “screaming.”
DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.
BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.
LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—
DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.
BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?
BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.
CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.
BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?
CHAFEE
You’re drunk.
BOLTON
And your point is…?
LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—
BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)
DODD
You truly believe that?
BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….
LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.
BOLTON
I object.
LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.
BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.
LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.
BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.
HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.
BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.
LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….
BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..
LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.
BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.
LUGAR
Excuse me?
BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.
VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.
BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.
VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.
BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?
LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,
BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.
BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?
BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.
BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?
BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.
DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?
BOLTON
Define “screaming.”
DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.
BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.
LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—
DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.
BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?
BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.
CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.
BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?
CHAFEE
You’re drunk.
BOLTON
And your point is…?
LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—
BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)
DODD
You truly believe that?
BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….
LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.
BOLTON
I object.
LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.
BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.
LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.
BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.
HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.
BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.
LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….
BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..
Monday, April 18, 2005
RNC Alert
Due to the growing number of Republicans facing attacks from the liberal media and the worldwide Democratic conspiracy, the RNC has prepared this list of dos and don’ts for representatives who are under investigation or who believe they soon may be.
1.Speak, meet and greet only in friendly territory: NRA functions, Southern Baptist conventions, DAR meetings, FOX News, Posse Comitatus picnics, etc.
2.Do not meet with your mistress, “significant other,” or alcoholic brother-in-law during the period of the investigation.
3.Throw blame at every possible opportunity. Usual targets include Democrats, liberals, the liberal media, Hollywood, activist judges, terrorists and the French.
4.Start going to church.
5.Take down the confederate flag in your front yard.
6.Play golf with Supreme Court justices, and lose.
7.Do not accept invitations to any of the following: Parties at the Playboy mansion; “Fact Finding” missions to Bali, Tahiti or Aruba; events attended by Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton; cock fights, joy rides in black helicopters.
8.Find those Ted Kennedy Polaroid’s you’ve been saving for an emergency. If you don’t have any, check with DeLay.
9.Push through a law giving every one of your constituents a red Mustang convertible.
10.Never, ever admit to any wrongdoing. Ever. God will understand.
1.Speak, meet and greet only in friendly territory: NRA functions, Southern Baptist conventions, DAR meetings, FOX News, Posse Comitatus picnics, etc.
2.Do not meet with your mistress, “significant other,” or alcoholic brother-in-law during the period of the investigation.
3.Throw blame at every possible opportunity. Usual targets include Democrats, liberals, the liberal media, Hollywood, activist judges, terrorists and the French.
4.Start going to church.
5.Take down the confederate flag in your front yard.
6.Play golf with Supreme Court justices, and lose.
7.Do not accept invitations to any of the following: Parties at the Playboy mansion; “Fact Finding” missions to Bali, Tahiti or Aruba; events attended by Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton; cock fights, joy rides in black helicopters.
8.Find those Ted Kennedy Polaroid’s you’ve been saving for an emergency. If you don’t have any, check with DeLay.
9.Push through a law giving every one of your constituents a red Mustang convertible.
10.Never, ever admit to any wrongdoing. Ever. God will understand.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
The Rapture. Ooops.
The time is in the very near future. The place is the Oval Office in the White House. President Bush is meeting with Jerry Falwell, Karl Rove, Pat Robertson and Dick Cheney. They sit around an oval coffee table talking.
FALWELL
…so I ask again, gentlemen. What can we do to kick start the faith-based initiative? It’s floundering.
ROBERTSON
Amen to that. We would love to see some movement on this very important issue, Mr. President.
BUSH
Believe me, fellas, I hear you. Loud and clear. But I gotta tell you quite honestly, whatever mandate I had is quickly slipping away. I’m at…what is it today, Karl?
ROVE
41 percent. You see, gentlemen, it is just not an opportune time to push this issue to the forefront. We’re taking some hits from the enemy and by pursuing this right now, we’ll just be giving them more ammunition.
CHENEY
We’re having a harder and harder time getting our legislation through. It’s time to rally the wagons, not hand out candy bars.
ROBERTSON
I’m not sure what that means, Dick, but it sounded real good.
BUSH
We’re in the middle of some damned hard negotiations right now with a few moderates who’re starting to spook at the poll numbers. We just can’t jeopardize that.
FALWELL
With all due respect, George, we’re talking about God’s work here, not some traffic light in Peoria.
ROVE
Jerry, come on. You didn’t get where you are by ignoring political reality. It’s not off the radar for good, just for a while. Get through a bit of choppy water.
ROBERTSON
You guys got anymore of that single malt? Feeling a little parched.
CHENEY
(stands and goes to a cabinet where he starts pouring drinks) Jerry?
FALWELL
A short one. I gotta record something tonight. Not even sure what.
BUSH
Look, guys, I feel really bad about this, but….
At that moment, a young man bursts into the Oval Office, trembling with excitement.
YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, Sirs. Very sorry, but you have to hear this. THE RAPTURE IS UNDER WAY.
ROBERTSON
What?
FALWELL
Son, if this is some kind of joke….
YOUNG MAN
It’s no joke, Sir. People are starting to rise up into the sky. As I speak.
CHENEY
The hell you say.
They all get up and go to a window.
BUSH
I don’t see nuthin’.
FALWELL
Oh Lord. There. Over there. A spec rising up into the clouds.
CHENEY
I will be a son-of-a-bitch. I see another one.
ROBERTSON
There. There’s one that’s even closer.
FALWELL
It’s the Rapture. Christ is returning.
BUSH
I still don’t see anything.
ROBERTSON
Lord of Lords. Jesus is coming. Jesus is coming.
CHENEY.
Now hold on. Let’s talk to some people first and get a bead on this thing.
An elderly black man enters the room with an ice bucket.
BM
Mr. President. The ice you requested.
BUSH
(looking the other way) Fine. Fine. Just set it on the—
The black man’s body slowly starts to rise into the air. Cheney, Rove, Robertson and Falwell watch as it disappears through the ceiling.
ROVE
Oh God….
ROBERTSON
Praise the Lord.
BUSH
(still looking out the window) What? Did you see another one? What is it?
FALWELL
It’s the second coming of our savior, Jesus Christ.
BUSH
(turning around) Where? I wanna see. The President should be there when Christ arrives.
ROVE
I should be making some preparations. Some calls to the press.
BUSH
(turning back to the window. Excitedly)
I see one. I see one. Look. I see a body going up into the air. It’s incredible. Oh, Jesus, there’s another one.
ROBERTSON
(falling to his knees) Oh Lord, your prophecies are fulfilled. We knew you were coming. We knew it.
FALWELL
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
CHENEY
Is anybody….wondering why none of us is floating up?
FALWELL
(laughing) Oh Dick. Always the pragmatist. It’s an ongoing process. I suspect they start with a fringe group of believers and work their way up to the truly worthy. Pat?
ROBERTSON
(standing) Absolutely. You always save the best for last. Always.
BUSH
Right. Like the punch line to a joke.
ROBERTSON
Not exactly what I had in mind, but….
FALWELL
Soon, very soon, we’ll be in the company of our beloved Jesus Christ.
ROBERTSON
It should just be a matter of moments, I’m guessing.
FALWELL
Let’s pray. Silently. And wait patiently for our ascension to God’s kingdom.
There is a long silent period as they all bow their heads in prayer. After about ten minutes, Rove lifts his head and looks around.
ROVE
Everyone’s still earthbound.
ROBERTSON
It’s a world of five billion people. It’s going to take some time to move up the food chain.
FALWELL
Well, we’re only talking about Christians, Pat, not…the rest of them.
ROBERTSON
True. True.
BUSH
I’m not seeing anymore bodies floatin’.
ROVE
(looking intently out the window) There’s gotta be more. Right?
FALWELL
Of course there must be more. We’re still here.
Waiting turns into toe tapping, humming, loosening of ties. Soon, the room begins to darken.
BUSH
Clouds. Dark clouds are rolling in. What does that mean?
ROBERTSON
Probably nothing.
FALWELL
Perhaps we will be introduced to the heavenly body with claps of thunder.
CHENEY
Perhaps our asses are grass. Perhaps we ain’t going nowhere.
ROBERTSON
Preposterous.
FALWELL
Totally out of the question.
Again a long, painful silence. Cheney goes to the bar and pours himself a drink
CHENEY
Anyone join me?
ROVE
(slumping) Sure. A double.
ROBERTSON
Oh ye of little faith—
BUSH
Shut up, Pat. Make mine a triple.
FALWELL
The Lord would not abandon his most devoted servants. No.
ROBERTSON
(sheepishly) We’re not on the list, Jerry.
FALWELL
Nonsense.
ROBERTSON
(walking toward the bar) Give me the bottle.
FALWELL
I will not forsake you. My Lord.
ROVE
You know, this could turn to our advantage,
BUSH
What?
ROVE
Think about it. Okay, the truly good and righteous people are gone. Hell, they’re the ones who didn’t like us in the first place. What’s left are the…salt of the earth types, beer guzzlers, swindlers, cheats, liars…our people.
CHENEY
Good point, Karl.
BUSH
They are the ones we went after anyway. The “one quart low” types. Now…that’s all there is. It’s brilliant.
ROBERTSON
I…I can start a new church based on greed and lust. A theme park…..
FALWELL
(falling to his knees)
No, no, no. I can’t be sent to hell.
BUSH
Hey, that’s negative thinking. You know how I hate negative thinking.
FALWELL
(slowly standing, eyes full of tears) Yes Sir.
BUSH
Now come over here and get blasted with the rest of us. We got some strategizing to do.
Falwell joins the group, and they all toast and drink as the skies darken.
FALWELL
…so I ask again, gentlemen. What can we do to kick start the faith-based initiative? It’s floundering.
ROBERTSON
Amen to that. We would love to see some movement on this very important issue, Mr. President.
BUSH
Believe me, fellas, I hear you. Loud and clear. But I gotta tell you quite honestly, whatever mandate I had is quickly slipping away. I’m at…what is it today, Karl?
ROVE
41 percent. You see, gentlemen, it is just not an opportune time to push this issue to the forefront. We’re taking some hits from the enemy and by pursuing this right now, we’ll just be giving them more ammunition.
CHENEY
We’re having a harder and harder time getting our legislation through. It’s time to rally the wagons, not hand out candy bars.
ROBERTSON
I’m not sure what that means, Dick, but it sounded real good.
BUSH
We’re in the middle of some damned hard negotiations right now with a few moderates who’re starting to spook at the poll numbers. We just can’t jeopardize that.
FALWELL
With all due respect, George, we’re talking about God’s work here, not some traffic light in Peoria.
ROVE
Jerry, come on. You didn’t get where you are by ignoring political reality. It’s not off the radar for good, just for a while. Get through a bit of choppy water.
ROBERTSON
You guys got anymore of that single malt? Feeling a little parched.
CHENEY
(stands and goes to a cabinet where he starts pouring drinks) Jerry?
FALWELL
A short one. I gotta record something tonight. Not even sure what.
BUSH
Look, guys, I feel really bad about this, but….
At that moment, a young man bursts into the Oval Office, trembling with excitement.
YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, Sirs. Very sorry, but you have to hear this. THE RAPTURE IS UNDER WAY.
ROBERTSON
What?
FALWELL
Son, if this is some kind of joke….
YOUNG MAN
It’s no joke, Sir. People are starting to rise up into the sky. As I speak.
CHENEY
The hell you say.
They all get up and go to a window.
BUSH
I don’t see nuthin’.
FALWELL
Oh Lord. There. Over there. A spec rising up into the clouds.
CHENEY
I will be a son-of-a-bitch. I see another one.
ROBERTSON
There. There’s one that’s even closer.
FALWELL
It’s the Rapture. Christ is returning.
BUSH
I still don’t see anything.
ROBERTSON
Lord of Lords. Jesus is coming. Jesus is coming.
CHENEY.
Now hold on. Let’s talk to some people first and get a bead on this thing.
An elderly black man enters the room with an ice bucket.
BM
Mr. President. The ice you requested.
BUSH
(looking the other way) Fine. Fine. Just set it on the—
The black man’s body slowly starts to rise into the air. Cheney, Rove, Robertson and Falwell watch as it disappears through the ceiling.
ROVE
Oh God….
ROBERTSON
Praise the Lord.
BUSH
(still looking out the window) What? Did you see another one? What is it?
FALWELL
It’s the second coming of our savior, Jesus Christ.
BUSH
(turning around) Where? I wanna see. The President should be there when Christ arrives.
ROVE
I should be making some preparations. Some calls to the press.
BUSH
(turning back to the window. Excitedly)
I see one. I see one. Look. I see a body going up into the air. It’s incredible. Oh, Jesus, there’s another one.
ROBERTSON
(falling to his knees) Oh Lord, your prophecies are fulfilled. We knew you were coming. We knew it.
FALWELL
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
CHENEY
Is anybody….wondering why none of us is floating up?
FALWELL
(laughing) Oh Dick. Always the pragmatist. It’s an ongoing process. I suspect they start with a fringe group of believers and work their way up to the truly worthy. Pat?
ROBERTSON
(standing) Absolutely. You always save the best for last. Always.
BUSH
Right. Like the punch line to a joke.
ROBERTSON
Not exactly what I had in mind, but….
FALWELL
Soon, very soon, we’ll be in the company of our beloved Jesus Christ.
ROBERTSON
It should just be a matter of moments, I’m guessing.
FALWELL
Let’s pray. Silently. And wait patiently for our ascension to God’s kingdom.
There is a long silent period as they all bow their heads in prayer. After about ten minutes, Rove lifts his head and looks around.
ROVE
Everyone’s still earthbound.
ROBERTSON
It’s a world of five billion people. It’s going to take some time to move up the food chain.
FALWELL
Well, we’re only talking about Christians, Pat, not…the rest of them.
ROBERTSON
True. True.
BUSH
I’m not seeing anymore bodies floatin’.
ROVE
(looking intently out the window) There’s gotta be more. Right?
FALWELL
Of course there must be more. We’re still here.
Waiting turns into toe tapping, humming, loosening of ties. Soon, the room begins to darken.
BUSH
Clouds. Dark clouds are rolling in. What does that mean?
ROBERTSON
Probably nothing.
FALWELL
Perhaps we will be introduced to the heavenly body with claps of thunder.
CHENEY
Perhaps our asses are grass. Perhaps we ain’t going nowhere.
ROBERTSON
Preposterous.
FALWELL
Totally out of the question.
Again a long, painful silence. Cheney goes to the bar and pours himself a drink
CHENEY
Anyone join me?
ROVE
(slumping) Sure. A double.
ROBERTSON
Oh ye of little faith—
BUSH
Shut up, Pat. Make mine a triple.
FALWELL
The Lord would not abandon his most devoted servants. No.
ROBERTSON
(sheepishly) We’re not on the list, Jerry.
FALWELL
Nonsense.
ROBERTSON
(walking toward the bar) Give me the bottle.
FALWELL
I will not forsake you. My Lord.
ROVE
You know, this could turn to our advantage,
BUSH
What?
ROVE
Think about it. Okay, the truly good and righteous people are gone. Hell, they’re the ones who didn’t like us in the first place. What’s left are the…salt of the earth types, beer guzzlers, swindlers, cheats, liars…our people.
CHENEY
Good point, Karl.
BUSH
They are the ones we went after anyway. The “one quart low” types. Now…that’s all there is. It’s brilliant.
ROBERTSON
I…I can start a new church based on greed and lust. A theme park…..
FALWELL
(falling to his knees)
No, no, no. I can’t be sent to hell.
BUSH
Hey, that’s negative thinking. You know how I hate negative thinking.
FALWELL
(slowly standing, eyes full of tears) Yes Sir.
BUSH
Now come over here and get blasted with the rest of us. We got some strategizing to do.
Falwell joins the group, and they all toast and drink as the skies darken.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Music To His Ears
It was revealed today the George Bush has an I-Pod he listens to when he jogs. The White House released the (approved) President’s song list to reporters, which contained myriad country standards with a few Top 40 rock hits thrown in. Our mole in the WH, however, has obtained the ACTUAL list of songs Dubya listens to when he’s beatin’ tracks in preparation for his future impeachment escape plan. Please remember: Bush does not understand satire, which is a common conservative Christian affliction.
Kill the Poor – Dead Kennedys
Screw You We’re From Texas – Ray Willie Hubbard
White Riot --– Clash
Do You Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Playground in my Mind – Clint Holmes
Dirty White Boy – Foreigner
Raw Power – Stooges
Anarchy in the U.K. – Sex Pistols
Heterosexual Man – Bedbugs
Love Gun – Kiss
Where Eagles Dare – Misfits
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Whip It – Devo
My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
One Way Or Another – Blondie
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me – Culture Club
Kill the Poor – Dead Kennedys
Screw You We’re From Texas – Ray Willie Hubbard
White Riot --– Clash
Do You Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Playground in my Mind – Clint Holmes
Dirty White Boy – Foreigner
Raw Power – Stooges
Anarchy in the U.K. – Sex Pistols
Heterosexual Man – Bedbugs
Love Gun – Kiss
Where Eagles Dare – Misfits
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Whip It – Devo
My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
One Way Or Another – Blondie
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me – Culture Club
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Karl Rove’s next bogus document
Praise Allah!
Hillary and Bill,
I want to thank you so much for the .50 caliber weapons. I am training my men on this weapon at an airfield in Sudan as I write. Your e-mails of encouragement are like honey to my ears. I took your advice and I am now relaxing at a spa in Switzerland until details of our next mission can be worked out. They laughed when I ate the cucumbers that were supposed to go on my eyes. Such are the ignorant ways of a martyr for Allah. You asked whether I received the money and drugs. Yes on both counts. You know, I’ve always hated the way I look on videotape, all "Mr. Droopy face," so I am hoping this time spent relaxing and the meth will give me a “perkier” look and attitude. And thank you for your suggested list of targets in North America. You both have a good eye for that type of thing. Well, Olga is beckoning me to the hot tub, so I must end my note and satisfy the curiosity of yet another young, succulent infidel woman. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I will have my people pick up the uranium on Tuesday, as instructed. May Allah’s blessings be on you.
ObL
Hillary and Bill,
I want to thank you so much for the .50 caliber weapons. I am training my men on this weapon at an airfield in Sudan as I write. Your e-mails of encouragement are like honey to my ears. I took your advice and I am now relaxing at a spa in Switzerland until details of our next mission can be worked out. They laughed when I ate the cucumbers that were supposed to go on my eyes. Such are the ignorant ways of a martyr for Allah. You asked whether I received the money and drugs. Yes on both counts. You know, I’ve always hated the way I look on videotape, all "Mr. Droopy face," so I am hoping this time spent relaxing and the meth will give me a “perkier” look and attitude. And thank you for your suggested list of targets in North America. You both have a good eye for that type of thing. Well, Olga is beckoning me to the hot tub, so I must end my note and satisfy the curiosity of yet another young, succulent infidel woman. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I will have my people pick up the uranium on Tuesday, as instructed. May Allah’s blessings be on you.
ObL
Monday, April 04, 2005
When Democrats Attack
Transcript of a recent meeting in the Oval Office between President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger, and key democrats Kennedy, Boxer and Biden.
BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.
KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.
BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—
BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—
ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.
BOXER
Excuse me?
ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.
BOXER
You’re kidding, right?
ARNOLD
Silence.
BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.
BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.
ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?
BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?
BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.
KENNEDY
This is insane.
ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.
BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.
BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]
ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.
BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.
ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.
BOXER
This can’t be happening.
BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.
KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.
BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.
BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.
BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.
ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.
BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.
KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.
BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.
BOXER
Over my dead body.
ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.
KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.
BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.
BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.
ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.
BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.
The three Democrats stand.
ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.
BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.
ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.
BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.
BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.
ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.
BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.
BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.
KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.
BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—
BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—
ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.
BOXER
Excuse me?
ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.
BOXER
You’re kidding, right?
ARNOLD
Silence.
BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.
BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.
ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?
BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?
BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.
KENNEDY
This is insane.
ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.
BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.
BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]
ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.
BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.
ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.
BOXER
This can’t be happening.
BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.
KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.
BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.
BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.
BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.
ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.
BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.
KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.
BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.
BOXER
Over my dead body.
ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.
KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.
BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.
BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.
ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.
BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.
The three Democrats stand.
ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.
BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.
ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.
BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.
BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.
ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.
BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
I'll Tell You When You're Dead
Dear friends of life,
As we fight the war for the life of Terri Schiavo, another travesty of the human spirit has made itself known to me. A young boy in Mississippi lies in a hospital bed fighting for his very existence. Little nine-year old Billy Sterling suffered a series of horrendous accidents recently. It appears he was thrown from the back of a speeding pickup truck (may the driver get the death penalty) into the Waxikootchie river, where he was swept over a dam to the rocks sixty feet below. Duck hunters in a blind near the falls thought the poor boy was a large goose flying down from the top of the falls and fired on him a number of times. Upon realizing their mistake, the hunters took their boat out into the water in an attempt to save the boy, only to run over the floating body several times. They had just managed to get the child’s limp body into the boat when they were rammed by a drunken jet ski operator, hurling Billy back into the raging water, where he was swept farther downstream and into a hydroelectric facility along the river. Workers rescued what was left of brave little Billy, but now, while Billy lies in his hospital bed, fighting the fight of his short life, his mother wants to pull the plug on his existence. Yes, he’s missing three limbs and half his head. Yes, he was declared clinically dead. And, yes, they have already removed some organs. But Billy lives…with the assistance of $500,000 worth of medical equipment. A life is a life, Dear Friends. We can’t let the Democrats kill one more human being, and mark my words; Billy’s mother is a card-carrying member of the liberal establishment for whom life is something to be thrown away on a whim. This is not “grandstanding” as liberals would have you believe, nor is it an attempt to play on your sympathies for money (although you may feel free to include a donation). We are fighting for the right to life. Every life is important, even if some wisenheimer doctor says you’re dead. I’m a doctor, and I have never said, “You’re dead” to anyone who wasn’t 100 percent dead. That’s the difference. Help us stop the culture of death.
Sincerely,
Senator Bill “Dr. Life” Frist, MD
As we fight the war for the life of Terri Schiavo, another travesty of the human spirit has made itself known to me. A young boy in Mississippi lies in a hospital bed fighting for his very existence. Little nine-year old Billy Sterling suffered a series of horrendous accidents recently. It appears he was thrown from the back of a speeding pickup truck (may the driver get the death penalty) into the Waxikootchie river, where he was swept over a dam to the rocks sixty feet below. Duck hunters in a blind near the falls thought the poor boy was a large goose flying down from the top of the falls and fired on him a number of times. Upon realizing their mistake, the hunters took their boat out into the water in an attempt to save the boy, only to run over the floating body several times. They had just managed to get the child’s limp body into the boat when they were rammed by a drunken jet ski operator, hurling Billy back into the raging water, where he was swept farther downstream and into a hydroelectric facility along the river. Workers rescued what was left of brave little Billy, but now, while Billy lies in his hospital bed, fighting the fight of his short life, his mother wants to pull the plug on his existence. Yes, he’s missing three limbs and half his head. Yes, he was declared clinically dead. And, yes, they have already removed some organs. But Billy lives…with the assistance of $500,000 worth of medical equipment. A life is a life, Dear Friends. We can’t let the Democrats kill one more human being, and mark my words; Billy’s mother is a card-carrying member of the liberal establishment for whom life is something to be thrown away on a whim. This is not “grandstanding” as liberals would have you believe, nor is it an attempt to play on your sympathies for money (although you may feel free to include a donation). We are fighting for the right to life. Every life is important, even if some wisenheimer doctor says you’re dead. I’m a doctor, and I have never said, “You’re dead” to anyone who wasn’t 100 percent dead. That’s the difference. Help us stop the culture of death.
Sincerely,
Senator Bill “Dr. Life” Frist, MD
Sunday, March 20, 2005
What’s The Frequency, Dubya?
This is an excerpt from a recent administration-sponsored “Town Hall” meeting on Social Security. The meeting was cut short when there appeared to be problems with Bush’s electronic listening device.
President Bush
“…so, as you can clearly see my friends, the problems with social security cannot wait another five or ten years. We have to act now. We can’t just sit by and watch…the Yankees go ahead by two runs…. Uh…excuse me. What I meant to say was that we can’t sit by and watch the program go down the tubes and do nothing. We’re talking about the future of your children, who deserve…to hear the latest from Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl.’ (pause) I…seem to be a little tongue-tied today, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry. But I urge you to contact your representatives in Washington and tell them to…bring down Commander Hillary and her battalions of femi-nazis…. (under his breath) A little help here. (to the audience) Tell them that they must act now to save social security and not put future generations at risk of being…caught in a downpour in Schenectady this afternoon. Today’s highs will be…. Okay….I’m feeling a little under the weather, friends, so I’m going to conclude now by thanking you for coming out today and…supporting liberal radio on Air America. This is Al Franken signing off…. (Bush faints and is whisked away)
President Bush
“…so, as you can clearly see my friends, the problems with social security cannot wait another five or ten years. We have to act now. We can’t just sit by and watch…the Yankees go ahead by two runs…. Uh…excuse me. What I meant to say was that we can’t sit by and watch the program go down the tubes and do nothing. We’re talking about the future of your children, who deserve…to hear the latest from Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl.’ (pause) I…seem to be a little tongue-tied today, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry. But I urge you to contact your representatives in Washington and tell them to…bring down Commander Hillary and her battalions of femi-nazis…. (under his breath) A little help here. (to the audience) Tell them that they must act now to save social security and not put future generations at risk of being…caught in a downpour in Schenectady this afternoon. Today’s highs will be…. Okay….I’m feeling a little under the weather, friends, so I’m going to conclude now by thanking you for coming out today and…supporting liberal radio on Air America. This is Al Franken signing off…. (Bush faints and is whisked away)
Saturday, March 19, 2005
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 05443
* Required Fields
*Name________________________________________
*Current Address________________________________
*City______________________ State______ Zip______
*Telephone__________________ Cellular_____________
*E-mail_________________________________________
*Position for which you are applying
_______________________________________________
*Regular Full-time_____ Part-time_____ Temp_________
Education
High School diploma ______
College degree___________
Post-college______________
Work Experience
Please list all prior jobs held:
*Aptitude
It is essential to the selection process that you answer the following questions honestly.
1. I believe government is the problem, not the solution. Yes____ No____
2. I live by the rule: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes_____ No____
3. I believe that by nature, most people are devious and untrustworthy. Yes____ No___
4. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century. Yes____ No____
5. I’m a “half-empty” kind of person. Yes_____ No_____
6. Logic and reason are clever propaganda tools of the elite. Yes____ No____
7. The earth is only about 10,000 years old. Yes____ No____
8. The United Nations is Satan’s beachhead in America. Yes____ No____
9. I have seen “The Passion of the Christ” _____ times.
10. I watch FOX News regularly and lust after Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity (circle appropriate gender). Yes_____ No_____
11. I would be willing to hurl my body in front of the President and serve as a human shield should there ever be an assassination attempt. Yes____ No____
Thank you for your interest in working at the White House. You will be contacted if we feel your qualifications match an existing opening.
Signature________________________ Date_____________________
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 05443
* Required Fields
*Name________________________________________
*Current Address________________________________
*City______________________ State______ Zip______
*Telephone__________________ Cellular_____________
*E-mail_________________________________________
*Position for which you are applying
_______________________________________________
*Regular Full-time_____ Part-time_____ Temp_________
Education
High School diploma ______
College degree___________
Post-college______________
Work Experience
Please list all prior jobs held:
*Aptitude
It is essential to the selection process that you answer the following questions honestly.
1. I believe government is the problem, not the solution. Yes____ No____
2. I live by the rule: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes_____ No____
3. I believe that by nature, most people are devious and untrustworthy. Yes____ No___
4. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century. Yes____ No____
5. I’m a “half-empty” kind of person. Yes_____ No_____
6. Logic and reason are clever propaganda tools of the elite. Yes____ No____
7. The earth is only about 10,000 years old. Yes____ No____
8. The United Nations is Satan’s beachhead in America. Yes____ No____
9. I have seen “The Passion of the Christ” _____ times.
10. I watch FOX News regularly and lust after Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity (circle appropriate gender). Yes_____ No_____
11. I would be willing to hurl my body in front of the President and serve as a human shield should there ever be an assassination attempt. Yes____ No____
Thank you for your interest in working at the White House. You will be contacted if we feel your qualifications match an existing opening.
Signature________________________ Date_____________________
Friday, March 11, 2005
Free Speech: In The Lie Of The Beholder
Emmy-award winning writer/producer Bill Cummings was secretly tapped during a meeting between himself and two FOX network executives during a script review for an episode of his hit TV courtroom drama, “New World Justice.”
(Rustling in background as meeting starts)
Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?
Bill
Great. Busy, as always.
Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.
Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….
Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.
Bill
Okay.
Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.
Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.
Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.
Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.
Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.
Bill
Okay. What’s next?
Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.
Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?
Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.
Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—
Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?
Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.
Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.
Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.
Bill
You know she’s capable of it.
Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.
Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.
Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—
Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?
Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—
Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”
Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.
Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.
Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?
Exec. 1
Amen to that.
(Rustling in background as meeting starts)
Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?
Bill
Great. Busy, as always.
Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.
Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….
Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.
Bill
Okay.
Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.
Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.
Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.
Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.
Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.
Bill
Okay. What’s next?
Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.
Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?
Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.
Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—
Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?
Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.
Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.
Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.
Bill
You know she’s capable of it.
Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.
Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.
Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—
Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?
Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—
Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”
Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.
Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.
Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?
Exec. 1
Amen to that.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Ex-President Bush Suffers Case of Delirium
WASHINGTON – Attributed to the sweltering heat and humidity in Sri Lanka where he is overseeing tsunami relief efforts, former President George H.W. Bush made a series of startling confessions to a group of international reporters yesterday.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Are You Paying Too Much For Torture?
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Repost: Bush Goes to Hell
A short play
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Friday, February 25, 2005
George W. Bush: President and American Hero
Inspiring stories for children about our 43rd President.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I’ve Been a Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Would You Like Fries With That Ambassadorship?
The following exchange of e-mails was obtained exclusively by That’s Going Too Far! The back and forth is between Texas multi-millionaire and Republican party fund raiser Jerry “Bronco” Walker and William Reedy, a top aide to a Midwest Republican Senator.
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Medical Alert: Get Your E-Count Checked Today
The setting is a doctor’s office. A middle aged man sits in a chair waiting. After a few beats, the doctor enters, looking through some paperwork.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Government Isn't So Mysterious After All
The following transcript was smuggled out of the White House by a source I can only identify as Deep Do Do. It was secretly taped during final discussions over the $2.57 trillion budget before it was released to Congress. Participants included President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Treasury Secretary John Snow and Joshua Bolten, head of the president's budget office.
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Friday, February 04, 2005
He’s making a list, checking it twice….
President Bush spoke at a gathering in Fargo, North Dakota yesterday to drum up support for his Social Security initiative. Security officials at the event were given a list of dozens of people who were not to be allowed in to hear the President’s speech, primarily due to their opposition of Bush's Iraq policies. Un-American? Yes. Typical of this administration? Absolutely. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the list used to weed out dissenting voices from the American conversation on Social Security.
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Will Write for $$$
February 2, 2005
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
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