In The Name Of Love

It’s an interesting phenomenon that those who most vociferously proclaim their love for America are the ones most responsible for this country’s fall from greatness. It’s certainly not a new situation historically.

Think of pre-war Germany. Like an athlete gobbling steroids, rabid nationalism helped Germany quickly bulk up into a menacing giant by the end of the 1930s, only to succumb to the drug’s dangerous side effects—hubris, feelings of superiority, aggressive behavior, visions of grandeur—soon thereafter.

Something very similar is happening in early twenty-first century America. We now live in a state of perpetual war with an enemy that we only see after they have blown up something. Prisoners of terror, the American people are cowered into waiting for instructions under the government's shadow. To question the direction in which our country is moving, we are told, is to spit on Old Glory. Military worship is the new religion, replete with ever increasing send-off ceremonies and yellow car magnets to demonstrate the depth of one’s faith. We don’t see our dead. We don’t see our wounded. We aren’t told how many thousands of innocent Iraqis have been killed.

Meanwhile, our country slides into mediocrity at every level, from education to health care to science, we lose ground daily at the hands of pre-Enlightenment political minds and a bottom-line media.

True love is work. If you love your wife, and she starts smoking crack, you would intervene to help her. You know instinctively that love is not unqualified acceptance of whatever your beloved does. But when it comes to love of country, some of us feel that whatever is done in the name of America is noble and right. We are above criticism. That’s not love. That’s idol worship.

America is in trouble. Shouting patriotic slogans or attaching flags to overpasses isn’t going to help. It’s time, past time, for some tough love.

I question your reality

How can a man who wallows in a pool of filth day in and day out convince himself that he’s clean?

Specifically, how does George Bush reconcile and rationalize the lies, deceit, dishonesty, character assassination, and law breaking (and that’s all before breakfast) in his head without going stark raving mad?

(God how I would love to strap that boy down with a lie detector and simulcast the results worldwide.)

I’m not a religious man, but I do have a conscience. George claims to be religious, but doesn’t appear to manifest a twinge of guilt about his myriad misdeeds. No lie is too big for the President. No hypocrisy too glaring. With that it’s-so-obvious-to-me-why-isn’t-it-to-you grin of his, Bush will lean toward an audience and tell Texas whoppers until they turn out the lights.

So how come he isn’t covered in hives or boils or displaying some other physical manifestations of extreme stress?

How does he do it? Alcohol? Drugs? Feng Shui?

Honestly, I don’t know, but I did an informal survey of people waiting for a bus on Hennepin Ave. at eleven thirty at night and received these thought provoking responses.

He’s a hologram.
Bush who?
Gimme a dollar.
Fuck that cocksucking bitch.
That boy is bat-shit crazy.
Is this going north or south?
Come any closer and I’ll cut your nips off.
My brother said he’s the Antichrist.
I’ve never seen him sweat. Have you seen him sweat?
Monkey boy, monkey boy, monkey boy.

There you go. The word from the street.

I’ve got to go lance a boil.

Media Math

Six right-wing conservative pundits = 1 moderate liberal pundit

Lying us into an unnecessary war < an indiscrete sexual encounter

Overlooking Bush lies + laughing at his jokes = job security

Fires + police car chases + medical marvels + murders – controversy = news

Presidential interview – tough questions = primetime feature story

Embedded with troops – questions = access

If George Bush lies five times during every speech, and he speaks three times a day, how many times would his lies go around the earth over a one-year period?

If reporter A writes fifty editorials praising the Bush administration and reporter B writes one article criticizing the Bush administration, how many more unfavorable editorials will reporter B have to write to get fired?

Ann Coulter + Bill O’Reilly + Sean Hannity = voices of the right

Michael Moore + Al Franken + anyone from Hollywood = left-wing extremists

$ >Everything

Bush Calls Americans Cowards

CINCINNATI, OHIO--In a sharply worded speech given to the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce today, President Bush lashed out at the majority of Americans who do not support him as “…cowards bordering on traitors.”

Displaying a seldom seen emotional side, Bush took off a shoe and pounded it on the podium to emphasize his points. “There will be no retreat. There will be no surrender. We’ll stay in Iraq for 100 years if necessary.”

The audience was visibly stunned by the President’s uncharacteristic tirade. At one point, Bush hurled a glass of water at an aide who was trying to signal him. The President reportedly yelled, “Shut up, b***h,” as he flung the object.

Amid numerous expletives, Bush characterized those who disagreed with him as, “…worshippers of Satan and eaters of dog [feces]. They are lower than snakes and deserve to have their heads cut off.”

The President’s emotional outburst comes at a time when he is suffering very low approval ratings. He alluded to this in his speech, saying recent polls were “…rigged affairs conducted by Al Quida sympathizers and agents of Hugo Chavez. I’ll show you a poll…”

The speech ended only when a secret service agent shot the President with a tranquilizer gun. Despite this, Bush remained aggressive, and aides had to throw a rope net over the President and drag him from the stage. A spokesperson for the White House dismissed any concerns and said this was standard procedure under the circumstances.

Later in the day, when asked about the incident, Vice President Cheney said the Bush’s behavior was nothing more than one cup of coffee too many. “Sure, the delivery was a little off key, but the points the President made were entirely accurate.”

The President is scheduled to give a speech on domestic policy at Lincoln Elementary School in Cleveland tomorrow.

Vote for Pedro

I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but my cat is smarter than George Bush.

At the same time the administration is reconfirming its support for a preemptive war strategy, the NRA is championing its national version of the same plan, which they call, “stand your ground,” but which is referred to by everyone else as the “license to murder” legislation.

The philosophy of the two approaches is almost identical. I have the right to attack (or shoot) you if I perceive you are a threat to me. The key word, of course, is “perceive.” If I make a mistake? Well, who doesn’t make a mistake now and then.

We perceived Saddam Hussein to be a threat to our country. Ooops. Turns out we were wrong. Sorry about that, Iraq, but you shouldn’t have let us believe you were dangerous.

I see a man skulking around my house in the middle of the night. I perceive a threat and open fire because I’m scared. Ooops. Turns out it was my neighbor looking for his dog. I’ll send an extra large wreath to the funeral home.

The absolute wrongness of both initiatives is obvious even to my cat, Pedro. When cats, or most animals of similar size for that matter, sense they are in a dangerous situation, they go out of their way to display body language warning the perceived aggressor to back off. More often than not, these stand-offs end with one animal conceding to another. Violence is almost always a last resort. And even then, when dominance is established, the fight is often over before any blood is shed.

Yet we humans want to subvert the established order and make lethal behavior the rule instead of the exception. It’s not even kill or be killed. It’s kill or be scared.

That a twenty-first century, first-world society is even debating these obscene ideas demonstrates how far to the dark side we have been led.

There was a time not so long ago when people with a “shoot first” mentality were diagnosed as having an antisocial disorder and sent to Montana. Now, they sit in the seats of power in Washington, D.C. and make law. They are given guns to hunt quail. They are taken seriously.

They should take lessons from Pedro.

TaylorTalk

"What would it be like if shoes were made out of meat?"

State Government: The Newest Battleground

At the same time the American people are starting to awaken from their 9/11 slumber to the shocking reality that our emperor is buck naked, state legislators around the country seem to be just now falling under the spell of Bushputin.

In Missouri, the house voted to delete funding for contraception and infertility treatments. Rep. Susan Phillips said in an interview, “If you hand out contraception to single women, we're saying promiscuity is OK as a state, and I am not in support of that."

NRA backed “license to murder” legislation has been passed in Colorado and Florida, and is being considered in 11 other states. The legislation allows anyone who “feels threatened” to shoot first and worry about the legitimacy of the threat later.

Numerous state legislatures are considering laws that would allow pharmacists to follow their conscience on whether or not to fill prescriptions for contraceptives or morning after pills.

South Dakota recently passed legislation that bans virtually all abortions, even in the case of rape or incest. Other states are considering similar measures.

Many states are exerting tremendous energy to pass legislation banning same-sex marriages.

What gives? Are black helicopters spraying state capitals with secret chemical brain-numbing agents? Or could it be that Christian evangelicals, seeing their hopes for an American theocracy go up in smoke like so much dry Texas brush at the federal level, are now refocusing their efforts on state legislatures around the country?

For years now, evangelicals have been sowing the seeds of radicalism at the local level, getting sympathizers elected to school boards, city councils and seats in state government. It appears their work is now bearing its poisonous fruit, as states work to impose the far right agenda on their citizens.

All of this is happening despite that fact that poll after poll indicates the majority of American people oppose just such government interference in their personal lives. Representative democracy is far from perfect.

This November’s election should tell us a lot about how successful the right’s efforts will be in subverting the Constitution at the state level. While our focus has been riveted on Washing D.C. in recent years, fundamentalists have been growing like Kudzu through our local institutions. Come this fall, it’s time to fire up the weed whacker.

I'm Right Behind you, Russ.

Top ten excuses why Democrats won’t support Senator Feingold’s attempt to censure Bush.

10. “Love to chat Russ, but I gotta catch the redeye to Portland…”

9. “Now if we were talking about a semi-censure, I’d be on board in a heartbeat.”

8. “Sure the President is hated by 2/3 of the American people. But what about that other third?”

7. “What makes you think this President is vulnerable?”

6. “Look Russ, when his ratings fall below 30, we’ll go for the jugular.”

5. “Do you want to see Cheney in the Oval Office?”

4. “We’re already perceived as the whiny party.”

3. “What planet are you from? When we go on the attack, it really pisses them off.”

2. “Russ, your political ambitions shouldn’t take center stage.”

1. “I’m scared, okay? Just plain scared.”

Miracle Worker

Pope John Paul II, who died last April at the age of 84, may be moving one step closer to sainthood. Needing two miracles from beyond the grave to reach full sainthood, John Paul is being credited by some with curing a French nun of Parkinson's disease.

Nuns in the woman's order who prayed for John Paul's intercession reported her recovery from the disease exactly two months after the pontiff's death.

Msgr. Slawomir Oder, a Pole who is leading the case for John Paul's sainthood, is starting an investigation into the incident.

After testimony is gathered, a team of experts appointed by the Vatican's Congregation for the Causes of Saints would determine whether a miracle happened. Proof of one miracle is needed for beatification, and two for canonization. Both miracles must have occurred after the candidate's death.

Catholics from around the world have been sending the Vatican descriptions of miracles since John Paul’s death. Other unexplainable incidents under consideration by the Congregation include:

- A Mexico City taxi driver who ordered two chicken burritos in Polish, a language he never spoke before that moment.
- An elderly French woman whose sight was restored after eating a Polish sausage.
- A Chilean auto mechanic who saw the image of John Paul in a pool of motor oil.
- A Trenton, New Jersey woman who claims John Paul regularly speaks to her through Baxter, her Miniature Schnauzer.
- A Dublin dentist whose stuttering was cured after being hit by a Vespa driven by J.P. Pope.
- A boy in Milan who claims the former pope stole his homework.

John Paul must first be beatified before the move to canonization, the formal term for full sainthood, can proceed.

ABCs of the Bush Administration

A is for:

Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate

B is for:

Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, blind ambition

C is for:

Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawk, chemical weapons, Coulter, cocaine

D is for:

Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny

E is for:

Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic

F is for:

Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth

G is for:

Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander

H is for:

Hate, hubris, hostile, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting

I is for:

Iraq, inept, illegal, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Israel, incomprehensible

J is for:

Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus

K is for:

Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds

L is for:

Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist

M is for:

Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat

N is for:

Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind

O is for:

Oblivious, oil, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio

P is for:

Plame, patriarchy, planes, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, paraplegic

Q is for:

Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail

R is for:

Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, R.I.P., revenge

S is for:

Soulless, simpleton, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, shambles, Skull and Crossbones

T is for:

Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorist, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas

U is for:

Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine

V is for:

Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests

W is for:

War, waste, wounded, wiretap, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz

X is for:

Xenophobia

Y is for:

Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen

Z is for:

Zealot, zero, zilch

I've been bugged

You remember this one from elementary school. “What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.”

“What’s worse than finding a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner? Finding pieces of a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner.”

Last night, as I do most evenings on being reminded that drinking on an empty stomach leads to a host of negative physical effects, I went to my freezer and pulled out a dinner cube. I don’t think it was actually called “Chicken ‘n Other Shit” but that’s what it was. So I nuked it, tore off the plastic covering and sat down in front of the TV (you can only eat these meals in front of a TV. It’s on the box).

About halfway through the shit—I ate the chicken first, of course—something unusually crunchy did come between my teeth. I poked around in my mouth until I found what I thought would be an overcooked bit of broccoli and pulled it out for a cursory examination. It first appeared as if it was a burnt piece of food, dark brown, about the size of a shirt-collar button. Bringing it into better focus, I realized that the broccoli piece had tiny legs sprouting from it. Then I saw the distinctive segmentation of a beetle’s wings and realized that this was not something found among the listed ingredients. I put it on my napkin and recovered the rest of that mouthful of food. As I discovered more parts of the insect appearing on my napkin, my gag reflex started to kick in.

I’m all for the little guy in most David and Goliath situations, but I’ve never been able to work up much of a lather for those looking to squeeze millions from a company by claiming to have found a fingernail or a finger in their meal. Half of these people are lying, and the other half seem to be far more interested in a large financial settlement than true justice. Having now been through the experience, however, I find it far more disturbing than I would have guessed.

Eating a bug is bad enough—although I’ve unintentionally inhaled my share of mosquitoes—but the breach of trust with those who produce and package my food is what really matters. Prior to this, I would never think of looking for an insect in my food before eating it. Now, I won’t be able to take a bite of anything without giving it a once-over. Paranoia, it’s what’s for dinner.

I would love to blame this on President Bush, and in some distant, six-degrees-of-separation kind of way he may in fact be the culprit. Every aspect of our lives, from security to individual rights to environmental safety to food quality, has gone downhill since he and his cronies walked into the White House in 2001. The trust we have had in so many routine aspects of our day-to-day lives has been broken repeatedly.

The failure of Marie Callender to safeguard the quality of her food is for me a symbol of a system in decline, a society whose pillars are crumbling. It’s too bad. She looks so sweet and motherly on the box, but my mother never served anything with bugs in it. I’m sorry, Marie, but the relationship is over.

I can’t trust you any longer.

Video at ten.

So now we have video of the President being warned about the dangers of Katrina well before she came ashore and demolished the Big Easy. Days later, Bush went on television and lied, as he has done so often before. “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.” Well, yes sir, they did, and they told you about that possibility. We also know that at the pre-Katrina meeting, you didn’t ask anybody how or why or what could be done. You didn’t ask any questions. You sat there like a bored teenager playing with his PSP under the desk. Or like an inept president reading My Pet Goat and being told America is under attack.

Of course, the press is not pressing the President on his latest lie. Surprise, surprise. If tomorrow a tape emerged showing Bush firing a bullet through the head of a GITMO prisoner, Elizabeth Vargas would still focus on the cleanliness of the President’s desk or wedding plans for the twins. There couldn’t be a President Bush without the media we have.

In an alternative reality, the Katrina warning video would be the Nixon tapes of this administration. It would reveal to even the most disinterested American the hopeless bunglers who hold a once respected nation by the testicles.

A fool sits on the throne of democracy. A bubble-wrapped, delusional fool who places superstition over science and greed over greatness. Bush and his handlers are the most serious threat to American democracy since the Civil War. They are evil and stupid, a potentially lethal combination in a world overflowing with weapons of mass destruction.

The President did not know what to do with the information he was given about Katrina. He did not know what to do on 9/11. He does not know how to get us out of Iraq. He does not know how to fix the budget. He does not know how to be president.

We watch America crumbling around us like a thousand Twin Towers while the media gazes in awe at the President’s desk.

Bush kills democracy. Video at ten.

It's a hate/hate relationship

WASHINGTON D.C. -- A new CBS News poll puts President Bush’s favorable rating at 34%, the lowest it has been during his presidency. In a controversial decision, CBS chose not to mention the poll results on its nightly news program. A spokesperson for the network said that this negative news for the President, coming within eight months of a national election, could be considered, “a partisan attack on Bush’s administration,” and unfairly bias voters.

Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.

In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:

A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Leprosy
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles
Dying

Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”

George Bush, Starring as...

...Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek.

The bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

SPOCK
Captain, we are entering the Mecca star system.

KIRK
Speak English, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK
The Mecca star system consists of three major planets, Orbus, Mobus and Imbus. We were sent here to investigate allegations that the Klingons have built a major military outpost on Orbus.

KIRK
Excellent. We’ll attack Mobus at 0400.

SPOCK
But, Captain…

KIRK
Dammit all, Spock. Who’s running this ship?

SPOCK
I am, Sir. And the Klingon base is on Orbus. Why would we attack Mobus?

KIRK
Spock, many years ago, my father came to this system to do exactly what we are doing; hunt down Klingons. He was attacked by a fleet of Klingon scum and his ship suffered major damage and he was drawn into Mobus’ gravitational pull. He and his crew perished on the planet’s surface. Ergo, it must be destroyed.

SPOCK
Captain, if I might just--

KIRK
You may not. Mr. Sulu, steer us to sector Gamma.

SULU
Captain, that will take us away from our intended target.

KIRK
Of course it will. As Captain of the ship, I must direct this military campaign from a safe distance. Besides, Mr. Spock, I know
there are Klingons on Mobus.

SPOCK
Mobus has a surface temperature of 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing can live on that planet.

KIRK
That’s what the scientists will tell you, but they’re wrong. My gut tells me Klingons cover the planet’s surface like a fungus, building their damnable weapons of mass destruction.

SPOCK
Your thought process is highly illogical, Captain.

KIRK
Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Warp five, Mr. Sulu….

The First Cut is the Deepest

Less than a week after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington while quail hunting in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney stabbed his wife Lynne in what the White House is calling “a kitchen accident.”

The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.

Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.

An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.

Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.

Camp Nevada

The transcript from today’s White House press briefing.

SPEAKER: SCOTT MCCLELLAN, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY

MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone.

I don’t have a prepared statement for today so we can go ahead with questions. Yes.

QUESTION: Scottie, we have been hearing reports today about the construction of three large government facilities of some sort in remote parts of Nevada. A Halliburton construction worker at one of the sites said they resemble concentration camps. Are they?

MCCLELLAN: No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. These facilities are government storage facilities. Nothing more.

QUESTION: Follow-up. They are described as being surrounded by fences with razor wire and as having guard towers.

MCCLELLAN: Those are ordinary security measures for these types of facilities. In the back.

QUESTION: What will be stored at these places?

MCCLELLAN: Whatever needs to be stored at these types of facilities.

QUESTION: Are they related in any way to the war on terror?

MCCLELLAN: Yes. The fact that we are discussing them already puts their usefulness in jeopardy, but they are intended to be important instillations related to the war on terror.

QUESTION: When you say ‘storage,’ do you mean equipment, supplies, etc.?

MCCLELLAN: That is correct.

QUESTION: What about people? Would they ever be used to house people?

MCCLELLAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war with fiends whose only goal is to destroy us and our way of life. They do not hesitate to kidnap and torture westerners when they have a chance. They want to crush us. It’s that simple. We need to have weapons that are potent enough to meet this threat and overcome it. With that in mind, these facilities being built in Nevada will, in very rare cases, be used to house known terrorists and sympathizers. But—

QUESTION: Scottie, what do you mean by ‘sympathizers?’

MCCLELLAN: Obviously, those people who would lend aid and comfort to the enemy through their words and deeds.

QUESTION: Words? Can you be more specific?

MCCLELLAN: The enemies of freedom and democracy take many forms. They do not all wear turbans and live in the Middle East. Here in our own country we have people who work tirelessly day and night to undermine our fight against terrorism.

QUESTION: Do you mean administration critics?

MCCLELLAN: Actually, I was pointing to the person behind you.

QUESTION: Congress has approved the construction of these facilities and sees them as a necessary effort in our continuing struggle against the forces of evil. What do you think are the motives of those who criticize this much needed project.

MCCLELLAN: This type of criticism is generally from people who are ill-informed or have a partisan ax to grind. In America, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but in the state of war in which we find ourselves, critics can unwittingly lend comfort to our enemies. We need to monitor that very closely if we are to prevail.

QUESTION: Switching gears, Scottie, the President is at his Texas ranch today. Will he be clearing brush?

Conspiracy Theory or Conspiracy?

I find it interesting that the mainstream news media treat conspiracy theorists as lepers and lunatics, yet the entertainment side of the same networks will spend many millions of dollars creating specials that purport to seriously investigate UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle and all manner of unsubstantiated plots and schemes. It ain’t news, but it sure is profitable.

One reason that I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories is that a portion of them turn out to be true. There was a conspiracy by the government to underreport deaths during the Vietnam war. There was a conspiracy to cover up the Watergate break-in. Project Blue Book was actually a public relations attempt to end the UFO debate among Americans. Is the government hiding alien bodies in a subterranean freezer? Probably not. But, I won’t rule it out completely.

A number of conspiracy theories have surfaced on the internet since 9/11 relating to our government’s involvement in that atrocity. They have, of course, been summarily dismissed by the MSM. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. One theory that I have heard before is that the World Trade Center towers could not have fallen the way they did as the result of an airliner’s impact. The implication being that there were explosives used to actually bring down the buildings. I have regarded this the same way I’m sure many others have. It’s interesting as theory, but far too horrendous and “out there” to be taken seriously.

That was until I was directed to www.st911.org. Here, a group calling itself Scholars for 9/11 Truth, presents a scientific evaluation of exactly how the towers fell. They come to the startling conclusion that it could not have happened the way the government says it did. The towers could only have fallen the way they did as the result of a carefully orchestrated serious of explosions, the type of explosions typically used to demolish large buildings.

It is very hard to get one’s head around this possibility. Someone, or some group of people, set explosive charges in the Twin Towers prior to 9/11, and then detonated those explosives when the planes hit the towers. Was this whole tragedy a precisely planned event by our own government? The evidence provided by the Scholars for 9/11 Truth is very compelling, and very frightening. I urge you to read their findings and decide for yourself. Is it another lunatic conspiracy theory or a rational, scientific examination of the facts? If it’s the former, we can file it between Amelia Earhart and Yeti in the X-Files and forget about it. If it is the latter, the future of our democracy is in far greater danger than we ever imagined.

A Dick Joke

After five years of toil as second banana, Dick Cheney was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed Cheney:

"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to become President," said the devil, "So I've come here with an offer. I'll make you President, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."

Cheney looked puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Bush Goes to Hell, Part Deux

When we last left the soul of the late George Bush, a mysterious phone call helped secure his release from Satan’s claws and an eternity of suffering in Hell (2/26/05). However, before you could say, “Fool me once and…uh, but fool me twice, but…can’t fool…uh…,” George is back in the presence of the Prince of Darkness.

SATAN

Well, by my cloven hooves. George Bush.

BUSH

(Standing, brushing himself off) Beezlebarb.

SATAN

That’s Beelzebub. But who cares? You’re back. Food not to your liking?

BUSH

Very funny.

SATAN

Come on, George.

BUSH

You have to do this idiotic “Life Review” before you get an entrance pass. So, okay, things are dicey from the beginning, with the booze and privileged life and yada, yada, yada. I was still thinking I had a chance, though, as we got up to the last few years of my life. But after becoming President, it started going downhill faster than a California mudslide.

SATAN

Fascinating. Go on.

BUSH

Oh, you know. The war, the economy, secret wire taps, the lying…the typical liberal smears. But the camel that broke the straws back were the photos of me and Abramoff in a hot tub….

SATAN

That’s it?

BUSH

…buck naked…

SATAN

Mmmm.

BUSH

…with Gina and Dixie…

SATAN

Oh my.

BUSH

…and two empty bottles of Jack Daniels….

SATAN

Ouch.

BUSH

…spanking each other with packets of $100 bills.

SATAN

Priceless. Is that it?

BUSH

That’s it. So, here I am.

SATAN

Well, I can’t say it’s totally unexpected, but welcome back anyway, George.

BUSH

I wish I could say I’m glad to be here, but I’m not.

SATAN

Oh, I don’t know…you did live in Texas. How much worse can this be?

BUSH

You got a mouth on you, Satan.

SATAN

Thank you. I do have some news for you. While you were trying to bluff your way into heaven, your good friend and special “turd blossom” Karl Rove brought his stellar political career to an abrupt end with a midnight dip in the Potomac. His swimming buddy, a fifty-pound concrete block, turned out to be…less than helpful.

BUSH

Karl’s here?

SATAN

He’s right behind you.

BUSH

(turns around to face Rove) Karl!. I’ll be damned.

KARL

Well, that makes two of us. (they embrace) Good to see you, Sir.

SATAN

So touching when people find their soul mates. Perhaps I can arrange for you two to pour boiling oil in each other’s orifices. You’d be together….

KARL
(to Satan) Can I have a minute in private with the President?

SATAN

(smiles) It warms my heart to know you haven’t given up on your devious, mischievous ways, Karl. Go. Talk amongst yourselves

Karl and Bush turn their backs to Satan and talk in whispers.

KARL

Okay. Briefly, here’s where I’m at, Mr. President. I’ve started a whisper campaign in circles two and three that call into question the Devil’s commitment to pure evil. It charges that there is credible evidence Satan was not cast out of heaven, but left voluntarily to start a children’s petting zoo in Arizona. God thought Satan wasn’t living up to his potential, there were arguments, insults exchanged, and the rest is history. Second, I’ve organized a group of sycophants and panderers who swear that in the war against good, the Devil has grossly and dishonorably exaggerated his accomplishments. I call them the Swift Goat Soldiers for Truth. Finally, I’ve found a guard who will swear that Lucifer sleeps with a stuffed animal named Pookers. The man has photos!

BUSH

Karl, you are a freaking genius.

KARL

It won’t be long before he’s helping pack our bags.

SATAN

Boys. Oh, boys. Let’s break it up now. Your pitchforks are getting cold.

BUSH

(turning and smiling) Sure, Satan ol’ buddy. You’ve got our undivided attention. Right, Karl?

KARL

Let the games begin.

Don't Quit Your Day Job

I just quit my day job. I’m out of work in two weeks. Do I care?

What is a job anyway but the dead zone between coffee and cocktails? People who really like their jobs scare me. If God wanted us to like our jobs, we’d be getting paid for having sex and watching The Family Guy. Instead we glumly exchange physical and mental wellbeing and self-esteem for dribbles of lucre and less vacation time than anyone else in the universe.

My horoscope for today read: “Pleasure awaits you by the seashore,” which I instinctively understood to mean, “Quit your job.” (I have a gift that way.) So I did. And now, I will have time to focus on the really important things in life: my sweet Katharine, my writing, regenerating my body and soul and finding a new job before bald men with baseball bats track me down.

I’ve already mapped out a grueling “at home” regimen for myself: Wide-eyed and ready to go at noon, wash down an Egg McMuffin with a Corona, watch two hours of The Man Show, put on clothes, nap, win a couple of levels of “Red Faction” on the PS2, write for twenty minutes, watch some financial show on some channel, you know, to really get my chops ready for that next big job, fall asleep on the couch. Yes, it’s brutal, but believe me, it’s what I have to do to set myself apart from the rest of the pack.

So the bottom line is, don’t be afraid to be a quitter. There’s life after work...until you run totally out of money, but that’s another blog for another time.

Is Wrong Right?

What if you were always wrong? Not even wrong most of the time, but always wrong. Can you imagine what a miserable existence that would be? Some of us (myself included) have days or even weeks when we feel like we can’t do or say anything right, but at some point the pendulum swings back and you win a few small victories or experience the emotional satisfaction of an “I told you so.”

It’s not easy always being wrong, what with chance and dumb luck, but one major group of people has managed to be on the wrong side of virtually every issue related to the evolution of humans since the dawn of time. Conservatives. That’s right. What is today considered a political ideology was once simply a state of mind, an inclination that has always afflicted a fluctuating portion of our species. It’s not a glass-half-empty or half-full issue, but more about who has control over the glass and its contents. If I have it, I want to keep it. Anything that might change that situation is bad.

I can imagine a conversation in our distant past going something like this:

Grok
Bork, Tark has made fire.

Bork
Made fire? Only the gods can make fire.

Grok
Tark has made it at the entrance to his cave to keep warm.

Bork
The fool. He will set himself on fire.

Grok
No. It is a small fire and he does not touch it.

Bork
Our ancestors survived without fire. When the gods want us to have fire, they send it from the sky.

Grok
But Tark can make fire anytime to keep him warm during the cold days and nights of winter.

Bork
Do not contradict your elder. It is not our way. A fire maker is a troublemaker. Soon there will be fires in every cave and no one will want to leave their caves to hunt. Hear me. Fire will lead to the death of us all.

Sound familiar?

Bork could be talking about allowing women to vote, regulating child labor, civil rights, Galileo, anti-poverty measures, a radical preacher named Jesus, environmental protection, the wheel…you fill in the blanks.

Nothing is certain in life except that conservatives will always be on the losing side of human advancement. Always. Yet there they are, eternally sniffing at change, stubbornly dismissing the latest leap forward as a fad or lower class affliction, until it washes over humanity in its inescapable truth.

Then, long after the fact, the conservative will embrace it as a given, pretending to have had a hand in generating such obviously beneficial change. They will feign shock, shock I tell you, if you should intimate they might have had a racist, intolerant or curmudgeonly bone in their body.

Perhaps, just perhaps, humanity needs conservatives. In the same way that repetitive resistance with weights builds muscle, it could be that repetitive resistance by history’s champions of the status quo actually helps foster the environment for change. Are these willing dupes the cow shit that fertilizes change or are they merely full of shit? Consider that for every Martin Luther King, Jr. in history there is always a J. Edgar Hoover. You can’t have a comedy duo without a straight man.

It seems possible that Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter, the Zeus and Athena of conservative cranks, actually serve a useful purpose.

But of course, I could be wrong....

No cause for alarm, officer. I'm a Republican.

January 5, 2006

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee
Washington, D.C.

Dear xxxx,

Thank your for joining the Republican Party. We need patriots like you who appreciate the greatness of this country and support our efforts to turn America in the right direction. We are in a daily struggle with the dark forces of liberalism, atheism, socialism and pornography, and we thank you for joining the army of steadfast, courageous conservatives who are willing to stand up for goodness and decency.

Now that you are a registered Republican, you will enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Grand Old Party. Listed here are the advantages you can expect as “one of us."

• You will never be forced to turn on a fellow Republican no matter what he has done and he will never turn on you.
• You can enjoy all the hypocrisy you can stand because your cause is holy.
• Lying is no longer a bad thing, but a vital weapon to be used against the liberal media and snotty college kids home on break.
• You do not have to acknowledge any contradictions in life.
• Ignorance is bliss. What you don’t know doesn’t matter.
• Republicans acknowledge the spiritual anointment of wealth by God, unlike Democrats who remain in denial.
• You are not bound by ethics. “Ethics” is a liberal construct designed to tie the hands of society’s entrepreneurs and visionaries.
• Because your motives are always good, occasional lapses into sinful behavior are quickly forgotten.
• Guilt is a sign of weakness. You may now toss that book out of your library.
• Finally, you can rest in the comfort of knowing that no matter what the facts are, no matter how many people disagree with you, no matter what the scientific evidence is, no matter what you see with your own eyes, you are always right. Isn’t that wonderful?

God bless America, and God bless you for joining our cause.

Sincerely,

Ken Mehlman

Hell To Pay

By John Andreini

A full-length play. Dark comedy.

"This is a puzzling world, and Old Harry's got a finger in it." George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss

SYNOPSIS:

Advertising account executive Danny Laws is having a devil of a time. He's on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client, and, as a result, his job and reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered a deal that could save his hide, but cost him his soul. What begins as a simple Faustian contractual arrangement ends up becoming the biggest potential deal Danny could ever dream of--an ad campaign for Hell. All he has to do is make a presentation to Old Harry and the deal is in the bag. Problems arise, however, when a second agency gets involved and Danny is pressured into accepting conditions that put his dreams in jeopardy. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, Danny and his colleague/lover Lisa prepare the mother of all presentations. But are they actually presenting to the Prince of Darkness and his enigmatic assistant or a couple of devilishly clever con men? Either way, Danny and Lisa use every weapon at their disposal to dispatch the evil duo and rescue their pride, pocketbooks, and perhaps, their souls.

Read more about "Hell to Pay" by going to http://www.playscripts.com

The Resolutions of George Bush

A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.

1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.

Speaking in Texan

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rapidly escalating ‘unlawful surveillance of Americans’ scandal that has been rocking the Bush administration took a new twist today.

In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”

When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”

My Predictions for 2006

Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.

Donald Trump will be fired.

Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).

Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.

Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.

A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.

During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.

Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.

Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.

FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.

The cell phone suppository will be introduced.

A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”

A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”

Uruguay will disappear.

Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.

Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.

The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”

A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.

China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.

Failure of the MSM #2,898,436

During a FOX News interview after his Sunday night address to the nation, Bush once again asserted that, even knowing what we now know, he would still have invaded Iraq.

The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.

If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?

The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?

Someone should ask him.

Cheney Sneers Hecklers to Death

Tulsa, Oklahoma – Peace activists who snuck into a Republican fundraising event featuring Vice President Dick Cheney were permanently silenced by what some onlookers said was, “The Grin Reaper.”

Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.

One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.

The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.

After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.

Bombs Away!

Startling new revelations have surfaced on the heels of news reports that President Bush had to be talked out of bombing the Arabic television station al-Jazeera, which has its headquarters in Doha, the capital of Qatar, a country considered a U.S. ally.

Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.

According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.

In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.

When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”

There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.

In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.

The Trickle-Down Query

CLEVELAND, OHIO – While visiting a classroom of fourth graders at Pontiac Academy, a private school in a Cleveland suburb, President Bush faced some unexpectedly tough questions about his policies.

The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.

Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”

President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“

Damian cut him off. “Did so.”

The President responded, “Did not.”

“Did so.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.

A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.

"Ignorant and Proud"

The following is a transcript from the 10/21 taping of “Baxter On Books,” a syndicated television show featuring Theodore Baxter, professor of modern literature at Cornell University, interviewing authors. His guest for this show was Brenda Fritz, author of the bestselling book, “Ignorant and Proud.”

Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.

Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.

Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?

Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.

Baxter: Such as?

Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.

Baxter: Staring at a leaf?

Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?

Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.

Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.

Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?

Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?

Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?

Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.

Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?

Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.

Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?

Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”

Baxter: I don’t own a TV.

Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.

Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...

Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.

Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?

Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.

Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.

The News Before It's News

Although it is known to a mere handful of individuals, That's Going Too Far! brings you the big stories MONTHS before they actually happen. Psychic? Perhaps. Lucky? You bet. Unlike the Bush administration which lives in an alternative reality, TGTF actually changes the vibrations of the present, which in turn alters future reality, changing it into something that was not going to be the future, but...more like...the future you weren't expecting.

What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.


Micky's in the Mosque

Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.

“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”

Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”

President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”

“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”

“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”

Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”

At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”

Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.

You Know the Bush Administration is in Trouble When...

• Karl Rove is replaced with Bush’s private tailor, Georges de Paris
• White House orders DC liquor stores and pharmacies to remain open on 24-hour standby
• Libby enters the federal witness protection program
• Cheney has his sneer surgically removed
• Dennis Miller is given a room at the White House and bestowed the title, “Court Jester”
• White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is replaced by Jerry Springer
• Cheney deletes “Vice President of the United States” from his Monster.com resume
• DC post offices run out of “Change of Address” packets
• Foreign governments ask Bush and entourage to stay at local Holiday Inns during state visits
• Site for the future George W. Bush Presidential Library chosen near Leavenworth, Kansas

Message in a Bottle

The message below was found in a bottle on a New Zealand beach by a Chinese American tourist named Walter Yee.

An open letter to the people of the world

Help.

America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.

We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.

It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.

My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.

Help us.

Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.

It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.

Attack of the Anglo Ayatollahs

I’ve always liked the epithet “American Taliban” to describe the Bush Administration and its national network of religious fanatics. Unfolding events in Washington DC momentarily exposed the dank, wormy side of our homegrown mujahideen for even the most nearsighted citizen to see. The extent of the influence of the zealot class was laid bare in the Miers fiasco. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers displeased our Anglo Ayatollahs when they could not adequately penetrate her psyche to discern her level of ideological obedience. Ergo, she was swiftly disappeared. The real Taliban could not have operated any more effectively, other than to stone Miers to death on the spot. Bush was warned, and Bush obeyed.

Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?

Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?

Krazy Karl

Washington, DC - In an eleventh hour attempt to avoid prosecution on conspiracy and obstruction of justice charges, attorneys for Karl Rove have entered an insanity defense.

At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”

Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”

Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”

When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”

Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”

Next time, it's a dead fish wrapped in newspaper

The following letter from Vice President Cheney to his chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libbey was intercepted this weekend by That's Going Too Far! Administration officials deny that this, or Libbey's previous letter to New York Times editor Judith Miller, contains any "code words" or secret messages. However, the experts who have analyzed the letter believe there may in fact be embedded code words intended for Libbey, noting specifically the words in bold face.


Dear Scooter,

As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.

We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.

So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.

Yours truly,
Dick

The Electorate Speaks

Responses to the question, “Do you believe George Bush should be impeached?” from a transcript of a recent “Man on the Street” segment on a local television station here in Minneapolis.

“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”

The Short List

That’s Going Too Far! has just obtained a copy of the list of finalists (with notes) that Bush was considering for the current Supreme Court vacancy prior to choosing Harriet Miers.

Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)

Abort Retort

On the September 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Bill Bennett reported that "you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." I have a better idea. We could abort every Republican baby in this country and watch our nation’s general IQ go up. It would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but we would be a much more intelligent country.

Last Call

At a Rose Garden ceremony to honor the nation’s kindergarten teachers, a disheveled President Bush shocked the assembled crowd of teachers and children with a profanity-laced speech that ended with the President vomiting on the podium.

Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.

Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.

By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.

The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.

Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.

Congratulations. You Suck.

Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.

Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”

The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.

“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”

Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”

Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”

The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.

The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.

Are You an American Idiot?

You’ve heard the Green Day song, but do you qualify? What does it take to be an American Idiot? Take this simple True or False test to find out.

1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.

SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.

On a First Name Basis

Washington, DC -- Pat Robertson, head of the 2 million strong Christian Coalition, said today that hurricane Katrina was God’s retribution on America for denouncing his call to assassinate Venezuela’s leader Chavez.

“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”

When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.

“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”

A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”

Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”

Speak No Evil

Updated List of Words and Phrases That Cannot Be Spoken Around the President

1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell

We win. Bye, bye.

Toady George Bush told a crowd of military personnel in Idaho, “We will win the war.” What he neglected to mention was how. Ask yourself, what are the possible scenarios for winning this war?

- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.

Science Outside the Box

Crawford, Texas -- Speaking to reporters from his ranch, President Bush reiterated his stance today that Intelligent Design should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution. The President went a step further and suggested other subjects that should be taught alongside traditional curricula in public schools.

“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”

The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.

“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”

When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.

The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”

Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.

Sacrificing Humanity on the Altar of Ideology

The right wing’s attacks on peace activist Cindy Sheehan are appalling in every respect, but Rush Limbaugh’s latest salvo is so ugly and low it cannot be ignored. Ridiculing the fact that Sheehan lost a son in Iraq by arguing, “We all lose things,” shows callousness beyond human understanding. It is a clear case of ideology trumping humanity by brutally assaulting someone simply because they don’t believe what you believe. This is the stuff of inquisitions and Islamic theocracies, not a democracy. Thankfully, these attacks on Sheehan are backfiring, and, perhaps best of all, they are laying bare the twisted, black souls of the attackers for all to see.

More Headlines I’d Like to see

Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Bush Twins Join Marines

Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness

Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles

Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks

Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In

Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.

Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections

Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts

Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony

Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush Won’t Meet With Cindy Sheehan

10. If I don’t clear that brush now it’ll never happen
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.

Gathering.

For Cindy Sheehan

Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon

Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine

Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances

Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes

Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty

Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice

While ghosts wait on the horizon

The Paraguay Connection

An article today from Inter Press Service begins with this headline:

U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation

That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:

March 1, 2005

Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.

Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.

In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,


Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay

Repost: The Right Man For The Job

New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.

Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.

The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.

Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”

Do You Have What It Takes?

That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.

Dear,

We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.

1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch

2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes

3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.

4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party

5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi

6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.

7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject

8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse

What the hell?

Through a FOIA request, That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a document from the State Department that raises some intriguing, previously unknown issues about Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. The document, although highly redacted, appears to be a signed contract between Roberts and Satan.

Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.

Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”

Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”

Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”

Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”

Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.

Mehlman Outs Hillary

WASHINGTON DC – In a press release sure to raise eyebrows from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman asserts that the mysterious second person to leak Valarie Plame’s name to the media was Hillary Clinton.

“Let her record speak for itself,” said Mehlman at an impromptu press conference. “Hillary Clinton has been at the center of virtually every Washington scandal over the past fifteen years. This treasonous activity has her name written all over it.”

When asked if he had any evidence implicating the New York Senator in the Plame affair, Mehlman scoffed. “Of course I do. I have eye witnesses, receipts, video. I’ve got enough hard evidence to put Killery away for a long, long time.”

Reporters asked to see the evidence, but were rebuffed. “How stupid do you think I am?” asked Mehlman. “It’s in a safe place. At the appropriate time I will turn over everything I have to the authorities.”

“This witch hunt in the administration must stop,” continued Mehlman. “To assert that God-loving, God-fearing people like Karl Rove and Libby Scooter could be involved in treasonous activities is beyond belief. It’s ludicrous. No, you have to look at suspects who have demonstrated amoral behavior time and time again. That would be Democrats, specifically, the female Senator from New York. I don’t even like saying her name.”

Reporters pressed Mehlman to reveal any actual evidence he had against Clinton. Mehlman then held a piece of paper over his head. “This, ladies and gentleman, is an inventory of all the evidence I have against Hillary Clinton. One hundred and....ten separate pieces of damning evidence. I will be turning this list over to the FBI shortly after I leave this press conference.”

Repeated calls to FBI officials have not been answered.

Son of Rove

The rumors have been flying around the beltway that 43 is already putting out discreet feelers for someone to replace Karl Rove. While the media types chase their tales around the city, That’s Going Too Far! has already confirmed this story. In fact, we have obtained a questionnaire that is being sent on the very hush-hush to potential candidates for Rove’s replacement. Here is what they want to know about the second most powerful man in the world (behind Cheney):

1. A prominent Senate Democrat starts making noises about impeachment hearings. Your response is:
a. Press releases and the talk show circuit
b. Sic Zel Miller on her
c. Pay her daughter’s daycare worker to pump the child for dirt
d. Send talking points to FOX

2. An upcoming Senate race is razor close in an important red state. Your strategy is:
a. 24-hour surveillance
b. Hacking opponents computers
c. Leak to press opponents arrest for marijuana 30 years ago
d. Pay opponents cleaning service to tell all

3. A high profile Republican governor is implicated in a sex scandal. You would help by:
a. Getting every law enforcement agency in the state to look into the pole dancer’s background
b. Having the Pope speak in the governor’s defense
c. Starting a war somewhere
d. Giving the governor the Medal of Freedom

4. A very hot Hollywood star is dissing the President at every opportunity. How would you handle this?
a. Have Jerry Falwell conduct a revival meeting at the Hollywood Bowl
b. Accuse the star of being a former Republican
c. Pay his make-up person for dirt
d. Have the Pope excommunicate the offender

5. The President’s ratings with the American people are in the tank. How would you fix this?
a. Have the President give a prime-time speech in which he reveals he has a life-threatening disease
b. Have the President survive a “terrorist attack”
c. Capture Osama Bin Laden
d. Send the twins to Iraq