Promising new discoveries in the hunt to cure conservatism. Much work still ahead.

Science may yet solve the riddle of why conservatives “just don’t get it.” Studies show that conservatism may in fact result from an organic brain defect, and perhaps be curable one day.

I’ve long thought that there was a connection between adherence to conservative ideology and a lack of a sense of humor. Conservatives I have known (including those with college degrees) generally don’t understand or appreciate satire, or jokes based on subtle wordplay. They will laugh at jokes that start with “ A Priest, a stripper and a monkey enter a bar…” or at someone who has slipped on a banana peel, but they don’t have a clue as to why The Simpsons or Dilbert are considered funny.

A Canadian university study found that people with damage to the right frontal lobe of the brain have trouble getting punch lines and show a preference for slapstick humor. Sound like any of your FOX News-addicted relatives? I wonder if by “damage” that would also include a malformed or under-developed section of the frontal lobe; a birth defect, if you will.

Regardless of its cause, I believe more strongly than ever that a stunted sense of humor and conservative ideology go hand in hand. The latest empirical evidence comes from non-other than the minions of Tom “Cellmate of the Month” De Lay.

This from a posting on today’s “Think Progress:”

A good sign that Tom DeLay doesn’t have the facts on his side: the top source for his latest defense against his critics is Stephen Colbert.

This morning, DeLay’s legal defense fund sent out a mass email criticizing the movie “The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress,” by “Outfoxed” creator Robert Greenwald.

The email features a “one-pager on the truth behind Liberal Hollywood’s the Big Buy,” and the lead item is Colbert’s interview with Greenwald on Comedy Central (where Colbert plays a faux-conservative, O’Reilly-esque character). The headline of the “fact sheet”:

Hollywood pulls Michael Moore on Tom De Lay. Colbert Cracks the Story on the Real Motivations Behind the Movie

DeLay thinks Colbert is so persuasive, he’s now featuring the full video of the interview at the top of the legal fund’s website. And why not? According to the email, Greenwald “crashed and burned” under the pressure of Colbert’s hard-hitting questions, like “Who hates America more, you or Michael Moore?”

Apparently the people at DeLay’s legal fund think that Colbert is actually a conservative. Or maybe they’re just that desperate for supporters.

This could explain how Colbert got invited to speak at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. I couldn’t believe it was possible at first, but now, it may very well be that they didn’t know Colbert did satire. “He grunt and yell like us. Must be one of us.”

Conservatives are unquestionably missing something important in the cranial region that humanity needs to progress. It might just be a sense of humor.

"This is the thanks we get."

Journalists feel betrayed by government snooping


ABC News investigative reporter Brian Ross appeared on CNN’s “Reliable Sources” this weekend, sounding both agitated and frighteningly naïve for a hard-nose reporter regarding the recent revelation that the government has been snooping on journalists.

“It makes me feel, in a way — and this is, I think, the disturbing part — as if we are drug dealers or terrorists trying to traffic in information, and should we be using bags full of quarters like old Mafia capos to avoid having our phone calls traced? I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong; I don’t think any other reporter is, either. We’re trying to cover these stories, which are difficult, but which are very important.”

This “why us?” sob story is very hard to stomach. Where was the indignation when the NSA spying story broke? Where was the anger and hand wringing from the national media over the fact that perhaps tens of thousands of innocent Americans were having their conversations recorded? Now that it’s reporters whose phones are tapped, it’s a story that merits airtime.

Ross either suffers from a serious case of short-term memory loss or his ability to connect dots in a story is pitiful for an investigative journalist. How could he be the least bit shocked by this turn of events after five-and-a-half years of the Bush administration walking with bloody Jack Boots over the Constitution? Is he so insulated in Washington that he’s unaware of the damage caused by the pathological liars running this country? Did he seriously believe that this government’s pattern of unethical and criminal behavior would somehow exclude the fourth estate? What utter naiveté.

If, on the other hand, Ross just can seem to fit the pieces together as to how we got to the point where government snoops are listening to him order Chinese take out, let me help jog his memory with this very incomplete list of stories the press failed to cover adequately or cover at all during King George’s dynasty, resulting in a renegade government that believes it is above the law:

The serious irregularities surrounding the 2000 and 2004 elections
The fact that Bush was wired and fed answers during the presidential debates with Kerry
The numerous pre-9/11 warnings the administration received regarding impending terrorist attacks
The case for war against Iraq
The ineptitude of the post-war occupation of Iraq
The no-bid contracts for rebuilding Iraq
The 9/11 Commission whitewash
The Valarie Plame affair
The use of torture
The Downing Street Memos
The Hurricane Katrina debacle
The Republican corruption scandals
The administration’s war on science
The ongoing attempts to turn our secular democracy into a fundamentalist theocracy
The NSA spying scandal

Do you really like investigating things, Brian? Fine. You can start at the top of the list and work your way down. Just make sure you use a pay phone.

Northern exposure: Bush to call up the Scouts

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.

“It is true that our most immediate national security need is to secure our southern border. However, we cannot ignore the risks posed by a three thousand mile-long, largely unsecured border to our north. While our attention is diverted to the southern states, thousands of Al-Qaeda terrorists could be quietly slipping into America disguised in moose or squirrel costumes, forming sleeper cells in unsuspecting towns like International Falls or Fargo. The threat is real, and must be met.”

Today, I am calling up our brave young Americans in Boy Scout, Girl Scout and Cub Scout troops all along the northern tier of states, from Washington to Maine. Scout units will be stationed along the Canadian border at designated intervals for four-week rotations. The Scouts will be issued BB guns, slingshots and Swiss Army Knives with which they will secure our borders and allow Americans to sleep easy in their beds.”

Some of you may ask, ‘Is sending a nine-year old child out into the Northern woods with little more than Ritalin, a dull knife and a backpack full of Snickers bars a good idea?’” I say, give our children more credit. Sure they’ll miss their TVs and their mommies, but they know what it means to wear a uniform and that sacrifices are necessary in the war on terror. “

The first Scout units will be in position shortly after the end of school in June. Scout Masters will receive field promotions to full colonel and receive all respective benefits. All scouts will be given photocopies of known Al-Qaeda operatives, and they will be issued shoot-to-kill or really-really-hurt-bad orders.”

My fellow Americans, I know what it means to serve one’s country in uniform and the sacrifices that are required. I spent countless days away from home and family in strange nightclubs and at parties where I didn’t know a soul. It’s true. But America’s young people today understand that freedom isn’t free, and that everyone must do their part in the war on terror. All I can say is God bless them, and God bless you.”

October Surprise Unveiled: U.S. to Invade Mexico

President Bush announced he is deploying National Guard troops to the United States border with Mexico. The President said the troops were being sent to help beleaguered border guards staunch the flow of illegal aliens crossing into the United States. The real reason, and you heard it here first, is that we are preparing to invade Mexico.

The plan, as leaked to “That’s Going Too Far!,” is to descend upon our southern neighbor with a shock and awe military campaign (code name: Salsa Storm) and annex Mexican land to approximately the 20th parallel just north of Mexico City. The objective of the entire campaign is to create a U.S./Mexican border that is only 450 miles long, as opposed the current border, which stretches an unmanageable 2,000 miles.

Surprisingly, Mexican President Vincente Fox has been apprised of the invasion, and has agreed to order only token resistance. “The rebuilding of my country by the U.S. after the invasion, and the resulting jobs and influx of investment capital,” Fox is said to have told U.S. military negotiators, “will be a far greater benefit than the loss of a lot of worthless desert.” Mexicans living north of Mexico City have been ordered by the government to treat American troops as a liberating army.

Carlos Hernandez, who lives in the town of Piedras Negras, only a short distance from the U.S. border, said he and his family are excited they will soon be invaded. “We’ll be automatic U.S. citizens. I’m hoping to sell my land to realtors who will build condos.” His wife Rita adds, “My cousin, Juan, who lives in Texas, is in the National Guard. I wrote him and said that if he is attacking villages close by, to stop in for lemonade.”

Critics within the administration have raised questions about plans for post-war Mexico, but Bush has reportedly brushed aside these concerns, stating that one only need look at Donald Rumsfeld’s Iraq experience to know that the Secretary of Defense will do a stellar job in Mexico.

A date for the invasion will be publicly announced on an upcoming FOX News special entitled: “God’s Orders: Smite The Brown Menace.”

Bush's fish story, part II

I remember a number of years ago watching a television commercial for a brand of coffee. A thirty-something couple stand in tall grass gazing into the sky through binoculars. The man nudges the woman and points to something. “Look,” he says excitedly. “A red-winged blackbird.” The storyline continued to somehow tie in coffee, although I can’t recall how.

I don’t know anymore about birds than the next person, but I do know that the red-winged blackbird is one of the most common birds around, in the Midwest, anyway. Why would any birdwatcher be excited about seeing one?

At some later point, I happened to see the commercial again. The same man and woman huddle in the tall grass with their binoculars. This time, however, when the man nudges the woman, he points up and sputters the name of some obviously more exotic bird (I think it was the large-breasted titwillow, but I could be mistaken). Someone in Hollywood Land was alerted and corrected the mistake of an over-paid copywriter who knew less about birds than me.

Which brings us to Bush’s fish story, mentioned in my posting below. Yesterday, someone in the Bush castle corrected 43’s statement about the highlight of his presidency. “Perch” was replaced with “Bass.” So now the highlight of Bush’s presidency is catching a 7.5-pound bass on his lake, which, for a bass, is not particularly large. But the story doesn’t end there.

As others have uncovered, several years ago Bush actually listed the fish that were stocked in the lake on his ranch. Bass wasn’t on the list. Perch was.

So now we have a fish story that was originally a lie (or one of Bush’s many faulty biographical memories), revised to be a totally new lie, probably by some overpaid political hack who knows less about fish than me.

The spin from this administration is merciless. It never stops regardless of the subject matter, and it never concedes for a minute that a large portion of the American people recognize bullshit when they hear it. To this group, 1984 isn’t fiction but a blueprint upon which to build a government. They lie when the truth would server them better.

The administration’s propensity for lying follows a similar path to that of any kind of addict. It started out innocently enough, with a lie or two here and there to gloss over military records or debate statements. In past presidencies, the media would have stepped in at some point and challenged the statements of Bush, Chaney, et. al. But, for a truckload of reasons, today’s press rolled over and played dead. Since the lying seemed to work, they lied more, and more, and more, until they couldn’t stop or backpedal, as the press licked the boots of the politicians at the same time they were being trampled. The lies have increased over the years, especially since 9/11, and today they emanate from every nook and cranny of this administration.

Hence, bass instead of perch. Lie on top of lie. The never-ending fish story.

This one’s too stupid to keep. Throw it back.

Bush’s presidency has been one long fish story, so it comes as no surprise that when Bush tells a fish story, it’s actually a fish story. Does that make sense to anyone but me?

From today’s Daily Kos: “Bush says the highlight of his presidential career was catching a 7.5 pound perch in his lake. The only problem is that the world's record for the largest freshwater perch caught is 4 pounds 3 ounces. So Bush either doubled the world record and didn't report it, or he's a liar.”

Okay, we’ve got two issues here. The more problematic of the two is that Bush considers catching a fish to be the highlight of his presidency. Now, it’s very possible the shrub was being sarcastic. You can see it now, can’t you? The little grin and snickersnort, which serves as a cue to everyone within earshot that the President of the United States has told a funny.

Whether it’s sarcasm or not, it translates the same: Being President sucks and I’d rather be fishing. It’s a bumper sticker on the back of Limo 1. It’s also a pathetic indictment of an administration that has no highlight reel to play. If he didn’t answer the question with a quip, what would he say?

“Let’s see…I brought endless violence and destruction to a large section of the planet. Uh, I gave huge tax cuts to my wealthy compadres. Oh, I know, I alienated all of our long-standing allies and made the world less safe from terrorism. How’s that?”

The lie about the fish’s weight is merely business as usual. Bush is either a pathological liar or clinically insane; unable to separate truth from fiction. There are no other plausible explanations (unless you want to get into some alien mind control theories, but I’ll let others handle those) and it’s really time to stop giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.

For Bush, every story is a fish story.

Goss not boss anymore

Short list of Bush’s candidates for new CIA director:

George Tenet

Michael Brown

Bush’s Double

Katharine Harris

Pat Robertson

Karl Rove

Richard Cohen

Scott McClellen

Joe Lieberman

Katie Couric

Ann Coulter

Dr. Phil

I'm Richard Cohen, and I'm one funny guy

The Colbert flap continues, with the politically schizophrenic Richard Cohen of the Washington Post writing a column today in which he claims he knows funny, and Colbert wasn’t funny.

“First, let me state my credentials: I am a funny guy. This is well known in certain circles, which is why, even back in elementary school, I was sometimes asked by the teacher to "say something funny" -- as if the deed could be done on demand. This, anyway, is my standing for stating that Stephen Colbert was not funny at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. All the rest is commentary.”

Riiight. Cohen knows funny like I know astrophysics. What he does know like the back of his hand, however, is who signs his paychecks and what they will and will not tolerate. A frontal humor assault on the President of the United States, warranted or not, can’t be condoned by the Washington Post.

Cohen’s article is rife with absurd observations about what comedy is and is not, and how one should deport themselves at time-honored Washington events. The boot-licking in this screed is nauseating, and Cohen should really be ashamed of himself. I, on the other hand, have no shame, which compelled me to write to Richey and vent a little.

Richard,

Anyone who says, "I'm a funny guy," probably isn't. Your critique of Stephen Colbert's performance at the recent Correspondents' dinner was a case in point—it was absolutely humorless. What better forum to display your funny side than skewering Colbert with zingers and one-liners? Instead you try to make us feel sorry for the most powerful man on the face of the planet, taking the odd angle that the President may be stupid and incompetent, but it's rude to remind us all of that fact.

Colbert was brave to say to this extremely insulated President what millions of Americans would love to say, but don't have the platform to do so. The polls tell the story, Richard. Nearly three-quarters of the American people think he's doing a lousy job, yet Bush tells us day in and day out that he will not do anything different. Colbert spoke for us. And he’s a funny guy.

Your friend,
John

Would somebody please tell Steny Hoyer he's a Democrat?

We continuously ask ourselves, “Why can’t the Democrats get it together?” Here’s reason #354.

Americablog.com reports that the #2 House Democrat, Steny Hoyer of Maryland, called Stephen Colbert’s comedy “in bad taste,” and defended George Bush.

Where in hell do these people come from? And what the hell kind of name is ‘Steny?’ It sounds Republican.

First it was Joe “I’m-not-a-Democrat-but-I-play-one-on-TV” Liebermann, now Hoyer, lobbing hand grenades at their own troops. While other Democrats are talking impeachment, Steny is messaging the President’s ego and characterizing him as a hapless victim of the poison-tongued Colbert. God, please give us a break. Would ya?

Where is the single Republican politician who would defend Hillary or Bill Clinton? Where is the Republican version of the Democratic Leadership Council?

Christ, Steny, if you like Republicans better than Democrats, change parties. Or is it that you hate Democrats so much you want to tear down the party from within? Regardless, how can you not know that you are sabotaging the party of which you are a member?

Steny, for everyone's sake, shut your piehole.

Stephen Colbert, I salute you

I’ve always liked Stephen Colbert. He was consistently hilarious as the deadpan Daily Show correspondent barraging John Stewart with inanities. Although initially skeptical of the premise for the Colbert Report (how do you satirize something as inherently comical as a right wing talk show host?) Steven managed to make the show his own. I even enjoyed his “Mr. Goodwrench” commercials, where the producers allowed just the slightest edge of classic Colbert loopiness to shine through:
“If Mr. Goodwrench were a tool, what tool would he be?”
“A…wrench?”
“Oh, sorry. Miter saw. We were looking for miter saw.”

As funny as I think Stephen Colbert is, I never considered putting him in same the category as a Lenny Bruce or Dick Gregory or Mark Twain for that matter; comedians/humorists who used their talents to directly challenge the political and societal status quo. Last Friday evening, however, Stephen Colbert joked his way into this elite group.

Performing at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner with George and Laura only a few feet away, Colbert’s O’Reillyesque alter ego skewered President Bush and his administration six ways from Sunday.

Delivered with the stern sincerity of a Bill Bennett commentary, Colbert brought up Bush’s low approval ratings, saying the President should ignore them because they were based on reality, “and reality has a well-known liberal bias.” He also took a jab at Bush’s image as a guy who sticks to his principles. “When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday."

Needless to say, George and Laura were not happy, virtually snubbing the comedian after the show. Who in the White House thought it was a good idea to have Colbert appear at the dinner? I can imagine one of the President’s brainwashed staffers praising the Colbert Report without realizing it's satire. “He’s sharp and very tight with O’Reilly.”

In one stand-up routine, Colbert did what the entire mainstream media has been afraid to do during the last five-and-a-half years: speak the truth right to George Bush’s face. Someone finally looked the President in the eye and told him he was wrong and out of touch with the rest of the nation.

Colbert has become an overnight hero among liberal bloggers, and I join them in praising his courage. Stephen, the Colbert Nation salutes you.

I dare you to step across this line

There’s an old gag about one guy daring another guy to step across a line he’s drawn in the sand. When the second guy does, the first guy, not anxious to do battle, draws another line and challenges the guy to step across that line. And on and on.

One of today’s headlines is a statement by former National Security Advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski, who says if Bush attacks Iran without a formal declaration from Congress, it would be an impeachable offense.

Go ahead, Bush. Step across this line.

Over the past five plus years, Bush and his crew have stepped across more lines in the sand than there are grains of sand to count. Yet Brzezinski, and probably most Democrats, want to draw another.

It’s almost hard to imagine the Democrats standing up to King George over anything short of nuclear war, and even then one has to wonder. How many impeachable offenses will it take for the Dems to stop moving backwards and take a stand for this country? 20? 50?

Allowing Bush to go so far as to bomb Iran before impeaching him is like knowing where a serial killer lives, but waiting for him to commit one more murder before feeling secure enough in your case to arrest him. Who’s wife or daughter will be the last victim?

We need to stop Bush before he attacks Iran.

I am a Republican candidate

I am a Republican candidate for elective office.

I know that I cannot win my race on the merits of my arguments.

My calls to return to an imaginary world based on a romanticized version of American history, 1950s television sitcoms and Calvinistic Christianity are totally untenable but very effective, so I go with them.

Because my arguments do not hold up under scrutiny, I am forced to resort to other tactics in order to win. Fear is very powerful. Make people afraid of the other and they cower in your corner. Anger is also quite useful. Blow on their tiny spark of dissatisfaction and turn it into a raging forest fire of anger. That gets them to the polls to vote.

My advertising does not appeal to the intellect, but to emotions. Because I cannot argue a position intellectually, I must resort to attacking my opponents patriotism, common sense, love of God and connection to “real” Americans. I turn to ad homonym attacks and character assassination. These are my weapons, and they easily find their mark.

I control people whose emotions control them.

I confess I am intellectually inferior to my opponent, and I am unapologetic. Yes, I went to college and I have a degree to put up on my wall, but the gravitational pull of my upbringing is too strong to let go of, and I am constantly pulled back to what is comfortable and reassuring, as opposed to what is actually right. That includes disliking people for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with who they are as human beings, but much to do with how my parents and relatives characterized them when I was growing up. There are many people like me who know what I am talking about.

The vision of America I hold out to people is one totally at odds with the way the real world works. Teenagers have always had sex and always will. The desire to alter ones reality, whether through drugs, alcohol, television or religion, is a fundamental part of our humanness. Sex among adults is a natural and healthy aspect of being human. Gays and lesbians have been members of humanity since the dawn of time and will continue to be so as long as humanity exists. We are smart enough to destroy the planet. We are stupid enough to deny this. Religion is a personal choice, not a universal edict. Your body is your own to do with as you see fit. Neither man nor woman is superior. Of course, I disagree with all of this, but I cannot explain to you why.

I choose to stand in the middle of the road intent on stopping the thunderous parade of human progress, even though history assures me I will be trampled. For reasons even I do not understand, this doesn’t stop me from trying. I am Sisyphus, constantly pushing the rock of ignorance and intolerance up the hill, only to see it roll down again, as it has done since the first days of our existence on earth. And as it will always be.

I am a Republican candidate for elective office.

The good twin speaks out

In a rare public appearance, George Bush’s good twin Cecil held a press conference today pleading with his evil other to resign.

“For too long I have stood behind the scenes trying to reach out to George in private, but he has refused to heed my words. The man is intoxicated by grandiose notions of religious crusades nurtured by his self-serving circle of Charlemagnes. No more. I declare today that George must either come to his senses immediately or resign. I have done all I can do.”

Asked if he felt President Bush would act on his request, Cecil appeared exasperated. “He is maddeningly stubborn. When we were children, I tried to get him to stop pulling the wings off of flies and trapping prairie dogs to torture them, but it was to no avail. He has always been motivated by emotional impulses, not rationale analysis. He thinks he’s channeling John Wayne.”

The White House responded to Cecil’s public pronouncements by calling him an election-year tool of the Democrat party. “Cecil and President Bush have been estranged for many years. Unfortunately, Cecil has chosen to publicly criticize the President in the midst of a war, which we find unacceptable. His close association with Democratic causes over the years is clear evidence that this event was politically motivated.”

A spokesperson for Cecil denied the charges, saying the good twin’s motivations were purely altruistic. Asked to comment on the incident, Vice President Chaney laughingly suggested he and Cecil go quail hunting some day.

Help Wanted

Short list of people being considered to replace Scott McClellan as White House press secretary.

1. Grima Wormtongue
2. Simon Cowell
3. Pamela Anderson
4. Michael Brown
5. Toby Keith
6. Vince McMahon
7. Tony Blair
8. Courtney Love
9. Baghdad Bob
10. Smithers
11. Katie Couric

Big government is good government when it's my government

Whatever happened to conservatives who distrusted big government? Today’s conservatives seem to think government can do no wrong, as long as it’s their government.

Cotton Mather wanna-be William Bennett led the charge today in
attacking Pulitzer Prize recipients in journalism for revealing
government secrets. The reporters who broke the stories about secret CIA prisons in Europe and the NSA domestic spying program are, according to Bennett, “not worthy of an award, but worthy of jail.”

Bill is upset that they revealed secrets, never mind the legality or
propriety of the government’s actions. Among conservative pundits,
the bigger and more secretive the government the better. George Bush can do no wrong.

What’s wrong with this picture?

It wasn’t too long ago when ultra-right wing militias were springing
up like thistles in a lawn with a mission to bring down the evil
U.S. gubbomint. Reagan was canonized for saying things like, “Government isn’t part of the problem. Government is the problem.”

Now it’s a whole different ball game. One of their own is in power.

Government is currently the ultimate authority. If you disagree with it, you’re anti-American. If you challenge it, you’re aiding the enemy. If you oppose it, you are guilty of treason.

The horrible irony is that they are not vexed in the least by their hypocrisy. The standards they held Clinton to were appropriate. The standards they don’t hold Bush to are equally just.

This is what happens when you give power to a movement based on ancestral bigotry, conventional wisdom and the infallibility of a two-thousand-year old book.

They fuck it all up. Red states, are you paying the least bit of attention?

A brief reflection on labels

The labels we choose to describe ourselves are becoming more and more paradoxical. Being a liberal or a Christian or a Rotarian just isn’t precise enough in a society growing more fragmented by the day. I came across a blog that claimed to represent the views of a “progressive conservative.”

Huh? A progressive conservative? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

Conservatism by its very nature is anti-progressive. Can there be such a thing as a progressive homophobe? A progressive xenophobe? A progressive anti-intellectual?

The site’s author is a university student, so it may be that he believes a few classes in political theory provide him with the intellectual authorization to spice up the generic “conservative” label.

From reading the site, however, I gain no insight into what constitutes a progressive conservative. The entries are not original, provocative or incendiary in any way, and the only blog roll he includes is of Methodist sites. Oddly, he includes a photo of his face completely in shadows, and no name. Of whom is he fearful? Campus Republicans or the Socialist Student Union?

I shouldn’t be hard on the kid. Hopefully the longer he’s in college the more emphasis he’ll place on “progressive” and the less on “conservative,” although he’s from Alabama so the odds are not good he’ll be able to let go of all of his baggage.

Yet I still can’t help but wonder why he keeps his identity a secret.

Here’s a frightening thought: maybe progressive conservative is the codename for a new generation of Bush-indoctrinated Über conservatives, fascist khaki-clad droids who make Cheney look like a VISTA volunteer.

Okay, label me paranoid…but wary. Note to self: Stop watching X-File reruns.

Mike Hatch for Governor

As the author of a blog that reaches millions* on a daily basis, I understand that I have a responsibility to uphold the highest standards of journalistic ethics and integrity.** My views may not be shared by every reader,*** but I truly appreciate the powerful impact my work has on many people.****

Therefore, it is with great humility***** that I endorse Mike Hatch for Governor of Minnesota. I realize that stating my preference may, and probably will, single-handedly swing the election in Mike’s favor, but I must accept my station in life as a mighty political force****** in Minnesota and let the results fall where they may. I will no longer apologize to anyone for being a kingmaker. *******

* of microbes
** which at this point in history are very low
*** or any reader for that matter
**** and I apologize to anyone I have made physically ill
***** it is all about me
****** that should read “farce”
******* when I’m playing chess

Good Morning America. Now, wake the hell up.

If Americans come to their senses before our fearful leaders bring Armageddon down on our pointy little heads, and we actually haul the ringleaders of this criminal enterprise called the Bush administration into court, the heads of the major television networks should also be rounded up and put on the docket for aiding and abetting.

Yesterday morning I caught a brief segment on Good Morning America. The Awe Shucks Charlie Gibson and his ebony and ivory female bookends yucked it up over video comparing Vice President Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington National’s home opener and Bush’s toss at the Cincinnati Reds first home game.

The emphasis of the GMA segment was on Cheney’s pitch hitting the dirt at home plate, while the much more physically robust President actually threw the ball all the way to the catcher. Har, har, har…. Of course, the real story of the day was that Cheney was roundly boo’d, by the all-American crowd of baseball fans from the minute he set foot on the field until he wrapped himself in his black cape and skulked off. GMA muted the crowd noise and the three amigos made only the most oblique reference to the hostile crowd.

The segment was insidiously crafted to take the emphasis off the unflattering reality and turn it into a playful “what-a-couple-of-big-kids” puff piece. If you asked around, most people would probably not see any huge issue involved in the GMA baseball segment. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that this type of subtle re-writing of history by our media goes on day in and day out.

Many of us shake our heads in disbelief when we read the various polls that show a consistent third of Americans think Bush is doing a good job as President, despite the overwhelming evidence that he is running this country into the ground. I think we underestimate the power of the media in our society to manipulate public opinion.
FOX News takes a chainsaw to truth every day, and if you’re not a rabid conservative, you probably realize what’s going on. But the much subtler forms of truth shading found in the mainstream media are, I believe, more diabolical and effective forms of propaganda.

The media moguls know exactly what they are doing. Like the lookout at a bank robbery, they may not be holding the gun, but they are playing an integral role in aiding and abetting the destruction of democracy for the understood promise of political payback. They are helping the government con the American people, and that’s a crime in my book. Someone needs to be held accountable.

Daddy Dearest

WASHINGTON D.C. - In what Democrats are labeling a shameful effort to save his presidency, George Bush told a gathering of White House reporters today that his father was to blame for the continued difficulties in Iraq.

Asked whether he meant Jesus, Bush said no, he was talking about George Bush senior, the former president.

“If my father had been a man and taken out Saddam Hussein in the first Gulf War, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in today,” said President Bush. “He lacked what we in Texas call ‘cajones.’”

“Are you saying your father is a wuss?” asked a reporter.

The President responded, “You’re the writers. You can pick the words to describe a man who lets a tyrant remain in power to terrorize his own people.”

The President also intimated that his father might have played a part in the plot to assassination JFK and the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

George Bush senior could not be reached for comment, but his wife, Barbara Bush was visibly upset by her son’s comments. “That little sh**. When he comes back to Texas, I’m going to smack him bloody with a baseball bat. Just like I did when he was a naughty child.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the President’s remarks were intended merely to set the record straight and not meant to disparage the many contributions his father made in his long career in public service.

Moronpalooza 2006

I was alerted to this full-page ad for a music festival in the latest issue of Guns & Ammo.

PISS Fest
(Proud I’m Still Stupid)

4th of July Weekend

A three-day celebration for the non-reality based nation. Music, inspirational speakers, food and fun for the whole family on the grounds of the Holy Redeemer New Baptist Church in Branson, Missouri.

NRA Members
Evangelical Christians
White Supremacists and Holocaust Deniers
Anti-immigration and anti-tax zealots
Confederate patriots
Any residents of Montana and Idaho

You will find a home at PISS Fest!

Saturday, July 1

3:00 Opening benediction and prayer of intolerance by Jerry Falwell (Main Stage)
3:30 Everyone fires weapons into the air
5:00 Gun safety seminar for toddlers (Charleton Heston Gun Range)
6:00 Toby Keith sings hits from his latest album, White Trash with Money (Main Stage)
8:00 The Aryan Nation Glee Club sings patriotic standards (America First Stage)
9:30 Video address from President Bush (Main Stage)
10:00 Ending prayer and ritual keg tap

Sunday, July 2

8:00 Church Service (Mandatory!)
11:00 Beer & Brats Brunch (Right Restaurant)
1:00 Brawl in the parking lot
2:00 Bill Bennett reads stories of moral righteousness that will scare the hell out of kids (Don’t Spare the Rod Children’s Tent)
4:00 Bo Grits lecture: Invading Canada Just Makes Sense (God Loves America Stage)
6:00 Ted Nugent rocks the fest with songs from his latest album, I Kill Therefore I Am (Main Stage)
9:00 Senator Bill Frist speaks on who is and who is not a real American
10:00 Ending Prayer and 21-gun salute

Monday, July 3

9:00 Bloody Mary’s on the Mall
11:00 Kill your breakfast (woods adjacent to the church)
2:00 Mass full-emersion baptism at Bill Watson’s farm pond
4:00 Pre-fireworks fireworks
5:00 Unfurling of the world’s largest American flag
5:30 Clowns for Christ perform (Don’t Spare the Rod Children’s Tent)
7:00 Don Flemming Puppet Show: Pepper the Parrot kills Dr.. Evolution. (America First Stage)
9:30 Fireworks show followed by an armed attack on nearby Missouri State University
11:00 End of Fest Prayer and dynamite toss

Republican accountability means never having to say you're sorry

A letter to the editor in the Minneapolis Start-Tribune caught my attention this morning. I nearly spit hot coffee through my nose (which I imagine would really hurt) when l was informed by the writer that, when you look at the noble actions of Nixon, De Lay and FEMA’s Brown in stepping down from their lofty positions of power during periods of turmoil, the Republican party demonstrates that it is the party of accountability.

Accountability?

If you’re not a satirist or suffering from some type of psychosis, you have to really, really, really be turning your brain inside-out to claim that Republicans stand for accountability. Accountability is not a word in the Republican lexicon. Republicans don’t believe in accountability. If you’re doing God’s work, what could you possibly have to account for? Sure, you’ll make a few mistakes, but you’re on the side of right, so there is certainly no need to stand accountable in front of mere mortals.

Even the straight-shootin,’ I-think-for-myself maverick John McCain doesn’t like accountability. He doesn’t care if his war vote was wrong or that Bush lies to the American people every time he opens his mouth. What John cares about is becoming President, which now means sucking up to American Taliban leaders he once dissed, like Falwell and Robertson. Accountability is for weak-link losers and Democrats.

You might expect someone like the crackpot queen of conservatives Ann Coulter to claim accountability as a Republican virtue, but she’d say Karl Rove was her pony boy if it got her another three minutes of face time on Hannity & Colmes (so far it’s just a rumor, folks).

No, the letter writer is either a master of the art of satire, in which case I salute you, or a simpleton clinging doggedly to the chains of belief as he sinks faster and faster into the sea of reality.

Just don’t quote me on that. This was entirely off the record….

Prison jobs for which Tom DeLay might be qualified:

Snitch

Boy Toy/Girlfriend/Sex Slave

Chaplin’s Assistant

Contraband Smuggler

Organizer, Bush Loyalists Alumni Club, Prison Chapter #34

Shiv Maker

Warden’s Best Friend

Coordinator of Religious Activities for the Aryan Brotherhood

Exercise Yard Punching Bag

President, Inmates for Tax Reform

Rat Trainer

You don't give the village idiot the keys to the armory or How many metaphors will it take to save America?

If Bush goes to Congress asking for some sort of authority to bomb Iran, and the Democrats don’t stand up and shout in unison, “When monkeys fly out of our asses, you moron,” I may have to go on a weeklong drinking binge and hope that when I sober up I’m either on some new plane of existence or Canada has annexed Minnesota.

Any Democrat who supports an attack on Iran should be drummed out of the party. I envision a ceremony where the miscreants kneel before Democratic elders clothed only in a tie-dyed G-string and Birkenstocks, and are forced to listen to Gilbert Godfried read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for 24 hours straight.

Bush and his gang of neocon nitwits smash up the family car every time they take it out. Is it responsible to give them the keys AGAIN? No one wants Iran to develop nuclear weapons, but that doesn’t mean you give the job of stopping them to a man who makes Paris Hilton look smart.

Democrats, Bush is not capable of being President. Yes, he sits in the Oval Office and flies on Air Force One and wears a nice, shiny lapel pin, but you know he is not fit to lead Liechtenstein, let alone the most weapon-heavy country on earth. Giving this madman any additional authority to use the military is nothing short of handing a pyromaniac matches and a gas can. It’s signing America’s death warrant.

If we attack Iran, you don’t need to be Nostradomus to predict that the Middle East will explode. Bush will have succeeded in bringing Armageddon down upon all of us. Don’t give him the opportunity.

Are you willfully ignorant or just stupid?

Should we penalize willful ignorance?

It’s not without precedent.

Austrian authorities sentenced right-wing British historian David Irving to three years in jail for denying the Holocaust and the existence of Nazi gas chambers at Auschwitz.

Most Americans would oppose incarceration for unpopular beliefs as a denial of free speech. Perhaps, but is there a distinction to be made between ignorance and willful ignorance? How do we battle the forces of self-inflicted blindness that have taken over our media and swayed a third of our citizens to believe that black is white and bad is good? How do we pull America’s corporate CEOs back from the dark side of capitalism to a place where civic responsibility and the common good are part of the contract for doing business? Prior to the 2004 election, Viacom executive Sumner Redstone remarked, “The Democrats aren’t bad people…but from a Viacom standpoint, we believe the election of a Republican administration is better for our company.” No mention of what’s better for the country.

Most of us would unhesitatingly advocate education over punishment. Yet the people who run our corporations, edit our newspapers, lead our religious organizations, create our energy and manage our money are educated, often highly educated, with degrees from prestigious universities. A bachelor’s or master’s degree may not make them intelligent (our President being a case in point), but they are not stupid.

Their crime, in my opinion, is consciously turning their back on the truth for a galaxy full of personal and professional reasons. In other words, putting “me” before “us.” The willfully ignorant, armed with rationales, think tanks, polls, research, beliefs and superstitions, continuously strive to fit their square view of the world into the round hole of reality. Like Redstone, they see themselves or their company or their party or their church as the center of the universe, around which everything else revolves.

The willfully ignorant, with their personal agendas, are co-conspirators in the dismantling of American democracy. Lacking any inspiring national vision from our leaders in Washington D.C., Americans have turned inward in their search for what’s important in life.

Of course, I don’t advocate locking up the ignorant bastards, but at the same time, they do pose a genuine threat to the America we have taken for granted.

One step in the right direction would be for Democrats, and especially Democratic candidates, to start refocusing the attention of the willfully ignorant away from themselves and out toward larger inspirational dreams about America’s potential. Reclaim the party’s heritage as progressive thinkers who strive to make the world a better place. As Republicans use fear and terror as an organizational strategy, let Democrats motivate with visions of progress and great achievements.

After all, nothing short of a New Deal-size effort will even begin to undue the damage of Bush and his band of lunatics.

Mrs. 44

As Bush’s popularity continues to plummet, Republican strategists have grown very concerned about a backlash against the President’s policies in the 2008 election. The reasoning goes that a Democratic win in the ’08 presidential election will result in the eventual dismantling of everything conservatives have been working on over an eight-year period. Since George Bush cannot run again, how can Republicans keep his legacy alive?

For some, the answer is Laura Bush. Stories that Laura plays a much larger roll in decision-making at the White House are already starting to trickle out into the media. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of a highly confidential internal memo that highlights strategies already underway to gradually transform the First Lady into a presidential contender.

March 10, 2006

***Confidential***

Project Dynasty is gaining traction. G remains in the dark, L is in the driver’s seat. Let’s keep it that way. Phase II strategies:

- More face-time with media. Have her spar with O’Reilly and Hannity, only make damn sure they know what’s going on.
- Let’s get a chainsaw in her hands during next ranch visit. Jeans, safety goggles and a bit of persperation.
- Have L slap Chillary with some flip-flop accusations. Put Satan’s daughter on the defensive.
- Get her into something that shows some cleavage. Think “flight suit” equivalent.
- Look for more kids ‘n coots photo ops.
- Bribe the twins to say something about Mom’s “inherent leadership qualities.”
- Start background scrubbing NOW. NO SURPRISES! Go back to kindergarten.
- Keep her wired at all times.
- Can she ride a horse?
- Fly her into Baghdad for a photo op with troops. Fatigues? Snipe insurgents from hotel rooftop? Toss a hand grenade?
- Make sure she keeps her distance from 43 as much as possible without arousing suspicion.

Oh accountability, where art thou?

On this day in 1834, Congress censured President Andrew Jackson for refusing to turn over documents related to his attempts to dismantle the Bank of the United States. How quaint. They scolded Andy for assuming “authority and power not conferred by the Constitution.”

Ah, those were simpler times when Presidents were held accountable for their actions. Look at how standards have changed. We go from one administration where a President is impeached for trying to cover up some high school grope-a-dope action to the next administration, where the President seems unable to commit a crime heinous enough to insight the ire of the Republican led Congress.

“Accountability” has lost all meaning, especially in regards to the current administration. Following Orwellian doctrine, Bush has turned accountability on its head: greed is good, mismanagement is job security and loyalty trumps truth. As a Bush crony, you don’t get in trouble for screwing up, you get the Medal of Freedom.

In Jackson’s day, Congress actually thought it had a role to play in our government. It didn’t take orders from the President. Yes, it was a highly partisan institution then as it is now, but it was not afraid to challenge the executive branch when push came to shove. Today we have a Congress filled with right-wing ideologues who protect the President at the country’s expense and a cowering opposition that is concerned more with public perception than standing up for what’s right.

Hold the President accountable? What a charming notion. We’ll file it under, “The Once and Glorious United States.”

In The Name Of Love

It’s an interesting phenomenon that those who most vociferously proclaim their love for America are the ones most responsible for this country’s fall from greatness. It’s certainly not a new situation historically.

Think of pre-war Germany. Like an athlete gobbling steroids, rabid nationalism helped Germany quickly bulk up into a menacing giant by the end of the 1930s, only to succumb to the drug’s dangerous side effects—hubris, feelings of superiority, aggressive behavior, visions of grandeur—soon thereafter.

Something very similar is happening in early twenty-first century America. We now live in a state of perpetual war with an enemy that we only see after they have blown up something. Prisoners of terror, the American people are cowered into waiting for instructions under the government's shadow. To question the direction in which our country is moving, we are told, is to spit on Old Glory. Military worship is the new religion, replete with ever increasing send-off ceremonies and yellow car magnets to demonstrate the depth of one’s faith. We don’t see our dead. We don’t see our wounded. We aren’t told how many thousands of innocent Iraqis have been killed.

Meanwhile, our country slides into mediocrity at every level, from education to health care to science, we lose ground daily at the hands of pre-Enlightenment political minds and a bottom-line media.

True love is work. If you love your wife, and she starts smoking crack, you would intervene to help her. You know instinctively that love is not unqualified acceptance of whatever your beloved does. But when it comes to love of country, some of us feel that whatever is done in the name of America is noble and right. We are above criticism. That’s not love. That’s idol worship.

America is in trouble. Shouting patriotic slogans or attaching flags to overpasses isn’t going to help. It’s time, past time, for some tough love.

I question your reality

How can a man who wallows in a pool of filth day in and day out convince himself that he’s clean?

Specifically, how does George Bush reconcile and rationalize the lies, deceit, dishonesty, character assassination, and law breaking (and that’s all before breakfast) in his head without going stark raving mad?

(God how I would love to strap that boy down with a lie detector and simulcast the results worldwide.)

I’m not a religious man, but I do have a conscience. George claims to be religious, but doesn’t appear to manifest a twinge of guilt about his myriad misdeeds. No lie is too big for the President. No hypocrisy too glaring. With that it’s-so-obvious-to-me-why-isn’t-it-to-you grin of his, Bush will lean toward an audience and tell Texas whoppers until they turn out the lights.

So how come he isn’t covered in hives or boils or displaying some other physical manifestations of extreme stress?

How does he do it? Alcohol? Drugs? Feng Shui?

Honestly, I don’t know, but I did an informal survey of people waiting for a bus on Hennepin Ave. at eleven thirty at night and received these thought provoking responses.

He’s a hologram.
Bush who?
Gimme a dollar.
Fuck that cocksucking bitch.
That boy is bat-shit crazy.
Is this going north or south?
Come any closer and I’ll cut your nips off.
My brother said he’s the Antichrist.
I’ve never seen him sweat. Have you seen him sweat?
Monkey boy, monkey boy, monkey boy.

There you go. The word from the street.

I’ve got to go lance a boil.

Media Math

Six right-wing conservative pundits = 1 moderate liberal pundit

Lying us into an unnecessary war < an indiscrete sexual encounter

Overlooking Bush lies + laughing at his jokes = job security

Fires + police car chases + medical marvels + murders – controversy = news

Presidential interview – tough questions = primetime feature story

Embedded with troops – questions = access

If George Bush lies five times during every speech, and he speaks three times a day, how many times would his lies go around the earth over a one-year period?

If reporter A writes fifty editorials praising the Bush administration and reporter B writes one article criticizing the Bush administration, how many more unfavorable editorials will reporter B have to write to get fired?

Ann Coulter + Bill O’Reilly + Sean Hannity = voices of the right

Michael Moore + Al Franken + anyone from Hollywood = left-wing extremists

$ >Everything

Bush Calls Americans Cowards

CINCINNATI, OHIO--In a sharply worded speech given to the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce today, President Bush lashed out at the majority of Americans who do not support him as “…cowards bordering on traitors.”

Displaying a seldom seen emotional side, Bush took off a shoe and pounded it on the podium to emphasize his points. “There will be no retreat. There will be no surrender. We’ll stay in Iraq for 100 years if necessary.”

The audience was visibly stunned by the President’s uncharacteristic tirade. At one point, Bush hurled a glass of water at an aide who was trying to signal him. The President reportedly yelled, “Shut up, b***h,” as he flung the object.

Amid numerous expletives, Bush characterized those who disagreed with him as, “…worshippers of Satan and eaters of dog [feces]. They are lower than snakes and deserve to have their heads cut off.”

The President’s emotional outburst comes at a time when he is suffering very low approval ratings. He alluded to this in his speech, saying recent polls were “…rigged affairs conducted by Al Quida sympathizers and agents of Hugo Chavez. I’ll show you a poll…”

The speech ended only when a secret service agent shot the President with a tranquilizer gun. Despite this, Bush remained aggressive, and aides had to throw a rope net over the President and drag him from the stage. A spokesperson for the White House dismissed any concerns and said this was standard procedure under the circumstances.

Later in the day, when asked about the incident, Vice President Cheney said the Bush’s behavior was nothing more than one cup of coffee too many. “Sure, the delivery was a little off key, but the points the President made were entirely accurate.”

The President is scheduled to give a speech on domestic policy at Lincoln Elementary School in Cleveland tomorrow.

Vote for Pedro

I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but my cat is smarter than George Bush.

At the same time the administration is reconfirming its support for a preemptive war strategy, the NRA is championing its national version of the same plan, which they call, “stand your ground,” but which is referred to by everyone else as the “license to murder” legislation.

The philosophy of the two approaches is almost identical. I have the right to attack (or shoot) you if I perceive you are a threat to me. The key word, of course, is “perceive.” If I make a mistake? Well, who doesn’t make a mistake now and then.

We perceived Saddam Hussein to be a threat to our country. Ooops. Turns out we were wrong. Sorry about that, Iraq, but you shouldn’t have let us believe you were dangerous.

I see a man skulking around my house in the middle of the night. I perceive a threat and open fire because I’m scared. Ooops. Turns out it was my neighbor looking for his dog. I’ll send an extra large wreath to the funeral home.

The absolute wrongness of both initiatives is obvious even to my cat, Pedro. When cats, or most animals of similar size for that matter, sense they are in a dangerous situation, they go out of their way to display body language warning the perceived aggressor to back off. More often than not, these stand-offs end with one animal conceding to another. Violence is almost always a last resort. And even then, when dominance is established, the fight is often over before any blood is shed.

Yet we humans want to subvert the established order and make lethal behavior the rule instead of the exception. It’s not even kill or be killed. It’s kill or be scared.

That a twenty-first century, first-world society is even debating these obscene ideas demonstrates how far to the dark side we have been led.

There was a time not so long ago when people with a “shoot first” mentality were diagnosed as having an antisocial disorder and sent to Montana. Now, they sit in the seats of power in Washington, D.C. and make law. They are given guns to hunt quail. They are taken seriously.

They should take lessons from Pedro.

TaylorTalk

"What would it be like if shoes were made out of meat?"

State Government: The Newest Battleground

At the same time the American people are starting to awaken from their 9/11 slumber to the shocking reality that our emperor is buck naked, state legislators around the country seem to be just now falling under the spell of Bushputin.

In Missouri, the house voted to delete funding for contraception and infertility treatments. Rep. Susan Phillips said in an interview, “If you hand out contraception to single women, we're saying promiscuity is OK as a state, and I am not in support of that."

NRA backed “license to murder” legislation has been passed in Colorado and Florida, and is being considered in 11 other states. The legislation allows anyone who “feels threatened” to shoot first and worry about the legitimacy of the threat later.

Numerous state legislatures are considering laws that would allow pharmacists to follow their conscience on whether or not to fill prescriptions for contraceptives or morning after pills.

South Dakota recently passed legislation that bans virtually all abortions, even in the case of rape or incest. Other states are considering similar measures.

Many states are exerting tremendous energy to pass legislation banning same-sex marriages.

What gives? Are black helicopters spraying state capitals with secret chemical brain-numbing agents? Or could it be that Christian evangelicals, seeing their hopes for an American theocracy go up in smoke like so much dry Texas brush at the federal level, are now refocusing their efforts on state legislatures around the country?

For years now, evangelicals have been sowing the seeds of radicalism at the local level, getting sympathizers elected to school boards, city councils and seats in state government. It appears their work is now bearing its poisonous fruit, as states work to impose the far right agenda on their citizens.

All of this is happening despite that fact that poll after poll indicates the majority of American people oppose just such government interference in their personal lives. Representative democracy is far from perfect.

This November’s election should tell us a lot about how successful the right’s efforts will be in subverting the Constitution at the state level. While our focus has been riveted on Washing D.C. in recent years, fundamentalists have been growing like Kudzu through our local institutions. Come this fall, it’s time to fire up the weed whacker.

I'm Right Behind you, Russ.

Top ten excuses why Democrats won’t support Senator Feingold’s attempt to censure Bush.

10. “Love to chat Russ, but I gotta catch the redeye to Portland…”

9. “Now if we were talking about a semi-censure, I’d be on board in a heartbeat.”

8. “Sure the President is hated by 2/3 of the American people. But what about that other third?”

7. “What makes you think this President is vulnerable?”

6. “Look Russ, when his ratings fall below 30, we’ll go for the jugular.”

5. “Do you want to see Cheney in the Oval Office?”

4. “We’re already perceived as the whiny party.”

3. “What planet are you from? When we go on the attack, it really pisses them off.”

2. “Russ, your political ambitions shouldn’t take center stage.”

1. “I’m scared, okay? Just plain scared.”

Miracle Worker

Pope John Paul II, who died last April at the age of 84, may be moving one step closer to sainthood. Needing two miracles from beyond the grave to reach full sainthood, John Paul is being credited by some with curing a French nun of Parkinson's disease.

Nuns in the woman's order who prayed for John Paul's intercession reported her recovery from the disease exactly two months after the pontiff's death.

Msgr. Slawomir Oder, a Pole who is leading the case for John Paul's sainthood, is starting an investigation into the incident.

After testimony is gathered, a team of experts appointed by the Vatican's Congregation for the Causes of Saints would determine whether a miracle happened. Proof of one miracle is needed for beatification, and two for canonization. Both miracles must have occurred after the candidate's death.

Catholics from around the world have been sending the Vatican descriptions of miracles since John Paul’s death. Other unexplainable incidents under consideration by the Congregation include:

- A Mexico City taxi driver who ordered two chicken burritos in Polish, a language he never spoke before that moment.
- An elderly French woman whose sight was restored after eating a Polish sausage.
- A Chilean auto mechanic who saw the image of John Paul in a pool of motor oil.
- A Trenton, New Jersey woman who claims John Paul regularly speaks to her through Baxter, her Miniature Schnauzer.
- A Dublin dentist whose stuttering was cured after being hit by a Vespa driven by J.P. Pope.
- A boy in Milan who claims the former pope stole his homework.

John Paul must first be beatified before the move to canonization, the formal term for full sainthood, can proceed.

ABCs of the Bush Administration

A is for:

Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate

B is for:

Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, blind ambition

C is for:

Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawk, chemical weapons, Coulter, cocaine

D is for:

Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny

E is for:

Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic

F is for:

Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth

G is for:

Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander

H is for:

Hate, hubris, hostile, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting

I is for:

Iraq, inept, illegal, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Israel, incomprehensible

J is for:

Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus

K is for:

Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds

L is for:

Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist

M is for:

Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat

N is for:

Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind

O is for:

Oblivious, oil, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio

P is for:

Plame, patriarchy, planes, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, paraplegic

Q is for:

Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail

R is for:

Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, R.I.P., revenge

S is for:

Soulless, simpleton, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, shambles, Skull and Crossbones

T is for:

Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorist, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas

U is for:

Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine

V is for:

Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests

W is for:

War, waste, wounded, wiretap, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz

X is for:

Xenophobia

Y is for:

Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen

Z is for:

Zealot, zero, zilch

I've been bugged

You remember this one from elementary school. “What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.”

“What’s worse than finding a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner? Finding pieces of a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner.”

Last night, as I do most evenings on being reminded that drinking on an empty stomach leads to a host of negative physical effects, I went to my freezer and pulled out a dinner cube. I don’t think it was actually called “Chicken ‘n Other Shit” but that’s what it was. So I nuked it, tore off the plastic covering and sat down in front of the TV (you can only eat these meals in front of a TV. It’s on the box).

About halfway through the shit—I ate the chicken first, of course—something unusually crunchy did come between my teeth. I poked around in my mouth until I found what I thought would be an overcooked bit of broccoli and pulled it out for a cursory examination. It first appeared as if it was a burnt piece of food, dark brown, about the size of a shirt-collar button. Bringing it into better focus, I realized that the broccoli piece had tiny legs sprouting from it. Then I saw the distinctive segmentation of a beetle’s wings and realized that this was not something found among the listed ingredients. I put it on my napkin and recovered the rest of that mouthful of food. As I discovered more parts of the insect appearing on my napkin, my gag reflex started to kick in.

I’m all for the little guy in most David and Goliath situations, but I’ve never been able to work up much of a lather for those looking to squeeze millions from a company by claiming to have found a fingernail or a finger in their meal. Half of these people are lying, and the other half seem to be far more interested in a large financial settlement than true justice. Having now been through the experience, however, I find it far more disturbing than I would have guessed.

Eating a bug is bad enough—although I’ve unintentionally inhaled my share of mosquitoes—but the breach of trust with those who produce and package my food is what really matters. Prior to this, I would never think of looking for an insect in my food before eating it. Now, I won’t be able to take a bite of anything without giving it a once-over. Paranoia, it’s what’s for dinner.

I would love to blame this on President Bush, and in some distant, six-degrees-of-separation kind of way he may in fact be the culprit. Every aspect of our lives, from security to individual rights to environmental safety to food quality, has gone downhill since he and his cronies walked into the White House in 2001. The trust we have had in so many routine aspects of our day-to-day lives has been broken repeatedly.

The failure of Marie Callender to safeguard the quality of her food is for me a symbol of a system in decline, a society whose pillars are crumbling. It’s too bad. She looks so sweet and motherly on the box, but my mother never served anything with bugs in it. I’m sorry, Marie, but the relationship is over.

I can’t trust you any longer.

Video at ten.

So now we have video of the President being warned about the dangers of Katrina well before she came ashore and demolished the Big Easy. Days later, Bush went on television and lied, as he has done so often before. “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.” Well, yes sir, they did, and they told you about that possibility. We also know that at the pre-Katrina meeting, you didn’t ask anybody how or why or what could be done. You didn’t ask any questions. You sat there like a bored teenager playing with his PSP under the desk. Or like an inept president reading My Pet Goat and being told America is under attack.

Of course, the press is not pressing the President on his latest lie. Surprise, surprise. If tomorrow a tape emerged showing Bush firing a bullet through the head of a GITMO prisoner, Elizabeth Vargas would still focus on the cleanliness of the President’s desk or wedding plans for the twins. There couldn’t be a President Bush without the media we have.

In an alternative reality, the Katrina warning video would be the Nixon tapes of this administration. It would reveal to even the most disinterested American the hopeless bunglers who hold a once respected nation by the testicles.

A fool sits on the throne of democracy. A bubble-wrapped, delusional fool who places superstition over science and greed over greatness. Bush and his handlers are the most serious threat to American democracy since the Civil War. They are evil and stupid, a potentially lethal combination in a world overflowing with weapons of mass destruction.

The President did not know what to do with the information he was given about Katrina. He did not know what to do on 9/11. He does not know how to get us out of Iraq. He does not know how to fix the budget. He does not know how to be president.

We watch America crumbling around us like a thousand Twin Towers while the media gazes in awe at the President’s desk.

Bush kills democracy. Video at ten.

It's a hate/hate relationship

WASHINGTON D.C. -- A new CBS News poll puts President Bush’s favorable rating at 34%, the lowest it has been during his presidency. In a controversial decision, CBS chose not to mention the poll results on its nightly news program. A spokesperson for the network said that this negative news for the President, coming within eight months of a national election, could be considered, “a partisan attack on Bush’s administration,” and unfairly bias voters.

Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.

In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:

A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Leprosy
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles
Dying

Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”

George Bush, Starring as...

...Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek.

The bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

SPOCK
Captain, we are entering the Mecca star system.

KIRK
Speak English, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK
The Mecca star system consists of three major planets, Orbus, Mobus and Imbus. We were sent here to investigate allegations that the Klingons have built a major military outpost on Orbus.

KIRK
Excellent. We’ll attack Mobus at 0400.

SPOCK
But, Captain…

KIRK
Dammit all, Spock. Who’s running this ship?

SPOCK
I am, Sir. And the Klingon base is on Orbus. Why would we attack Mobus?

KIRK
Spock, many years ago, my father came to this system to do exactly what we are doing; hunt down Klingons. He was attacked by a fleet of Klingon scum and his ship suffered major damage and he was drawn into Mobus’ gravitational pull. He and his crew perished on the planet’s surface. Ergo, it must be destroyed.

SPOCK
Captain, if I might just--

KIRK
You may not. Mr. Sulu, steer us to sector Gamma.

SULU
Captain, that will take us away from our intended target.

KIRK
Of course it will. As Captain of the ship, I must direct this military campaign from a safe distance. Besides, Mr. Spock, I know
there are Klingons on Mobus.

SPOCK
Mobus has a surface temperature of 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing can live on that planet.

KIRK
That’s what the scientists will tell you, but they’re wrong. My gut tells me Klingons cover the planet’s surface like a fungus, building their damnable weapons of mass destruction.

SPOCK
Your thought process is highly illogical, Captain.

KIRK
Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Warp five, Mr. Sulu….

The First Cut is the Deepest

Less than a week after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington while quail hunting in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney stabbed his wife Lynne in what the White House is calling “a kitchen accident.”

The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.

Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.

An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.

Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.

Camp Nevada

The transcript from today’s White House press briefing.

SPEAKER: SCOTT MCCLELLAN, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY

MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone.

I don’t have a prepared statement for today so we can go ahead with questions. Yes.

QUESTION: Scottie, we have been hearing reports today about the construction of three large government facilities of some sort in remote parts of Nevada. A Halliburton construction worker at one of the sites said they resemble concentration camps. Are they?

MCCLELLAN: No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. These facilities are government storage facilities. Nothing more.

QUESTION: Follow-up. They are described as being surrounded by fences with razor wire and as having guard towers.

MCCLELLAN: Those are ordinary security measures for these types of facilities. In the back.

QUESTION: What will be stored at these places?

MCCLELLAN: Whatever needs to be stored at these types of facilities.

QUESTION: Are they related in any way to the war on terror?

MCCLELLAN: Yes. The fact that we are discussing them already puts their usefulness in jeopardy, but they are intended to be important instillations related to the war on terror.

QUESTION: When you say ‘storage,’ do you mean equipment, supplies, etc.?

MCCLELLAN: That is correct.

QUESTION: What about people? Would they ever be used to house people?

MCCLELLAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war with fiends whose only goal is to destroy us and our way of life. They do not hesitate to kidnap and torture westerners when they have a chance. They want to crush us. It’s that simple. We need to have weapons that are potent enough to meet this threat and overcome it. With that in mind, these facilities being built in Nevada will, in very rare cases, be used to house known terrorists and sympathizers. But—

QUESTION: Scottie, what do you mean by ‘sympathizers?’

MCCLELLAN: Obviously, those people who would lend aid and comfort to the enemy through their words and deeds.

QUESTION: Words? Can you be more specific?

MCCLELLAN: The enemies of freedom and democracy take many forms. They do not all wear turbans and live in the Middle East. Here in our own country we have people who work tirelessly day and night to undermine our fight against terrorism.

QUESTION: Do you mean administration critics?

MCCLELLAN: Actually, I was pointing to the person behind you.

QUESTION: Congress has approved the construction of these facilities and sees them as a necessary effort in our continuing struggle against the forces of evil. What do you think are the motives of those who criticize this much needed project.

MCCLELLAN: This type of criticism is generally from people who are ill-informed or have a partisan ax to grind. In America, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but in the state of war in which we find ourselves, critics can unwittingly lend comfort to our enemies. We need to monitor that very closely if we are to prevail.

QUESTION: Switching gears, Scottie, the President is at his Texas ranch today. Will he be clearing brush?

Conspiracy Theory or Conspiracy?

I find it interesting that the mainstream news media treat conspiracy theorists as lepers and lunatics, yet the entertainment side of the same networks will spend many millions of dollars creating specials that purport to seriously investigate UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle and all manner of unsubstantiated plots and schemes. It ain’t news, but it sure is profitable.

One reason that I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories is that a portion of them turn out to be true. There was a conspiracy by the government to underreport deaths during the Vietnam war. There was a conspiracy to cover up the Watergate break-in. Project Blue Book was actually a public relations attempt to end the UFO debate among Americans. Is the government hiding alien bodies in a subterranean freezer? Probably not. But, I won’t rule it out completely.

A number of conspiracy theories have surfaced on the internet since 9/11 relating to our government’s involvement in that atrocity. They have, of course, been summarily dismissed by the MSM. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. One theory that I have heard before is that the World Trade Center towers could not have fallen the way they did as the result of an airliner’s impact. The implication being that there were explosives used to actually bring down the buildings. I have regarded this the same way I’m sure many others have. It’s interesting as theory, but far too horrendous and “out there” to be taken seriously.

That was until I was directed to www.st911.org. Here, a group calling itself Scholars for 9/11 Truth, presents a scientific evaluation of exactly how the towers fell. They come to the startling conclusion that it could not have happened the way the government says it did. The towers could only have fallen the way they did as the result of a carefully orchestrated serious of explosions, the type of explosions typically used to demolish large buildings.

It is very hard to get one’s head around this possibility. Someone, or some group of people, set explosive charges in the Twin Towers prior to 9/11, and then detonated those explosives when the planes hit the towers. Was this whole tragedy a precisely planned event by our own government? The evidence provided by the Scholars for 9/11 Truth is very compelling, and very frightening. I urge you to read their findings and decide for yourself. Is it another lunatic conspiracy theory or a rational, scientific examination of the facts? If it’s the former, we can file it between Amelia Earhart and Yeti in the X-Files and forget about it. If it is the latter, the future of our democracy is in far greater danger than we ever imagined.

A Dick Joke

After five years of toil as second banana, Dick Cheney was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed Cheney:

"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to become President," said the devil, "So I've come here with an offer. I'll make you President, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."

Cheney looked puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Bush Goes to Hell, Part Deux

When we last left the soul of the late George Bush, a mysterious phone call helped secure his release from Satan’s claws and an eternity of suffering in Hell (2/26/05). However, before you could say, “Fool me once and…uh, but fool me twice, but…can’t fool…uh…,” George is back in the presence of the Prince of Darkness.

SATAN

Well, by my cloven hooves. George Bush.

BUSH

(Standing, brushing himself off) Beezlebarb.

SATAN

That’s Beelzebub. But who cares? You’re back. Food not to your liking?

BUSH

Very funny.

SATAN

Come on, George.

BUSH

You have to do this idiotic “Life Review” before you get an entrance pass. So, okay, things are dicey from the beginning, with the booze and privileged life and yada, yada, yada. I was still thinking I had a chance, though, as we got up to the last few years of my life. But after becoming President, it started going downhill faster than a California mudslide.

SATAN

Fascinating. Go on.

BUSH

Oh, you know. The war, the economy, secret wire taps, the lying…the typical liberal smears. But the camel that broke the straws back were the photos of me and Abramoff in a hot tub….

SATAN

That’s it?

BUSH

…buck naked…

SATAN

Mmmm.

BUSH

…with Gina and Dixie…

SATAN

Oh my.

BUSH

…and two empty bottles of Jack Daniels….

SATAN

Ouch.

BUSH

…spanking each other with packets of $100 bills.

SATAN

Priceless. Is that it?

BUSH

That’s it. So, here I am.

SATAN

Well, I can’t say it’s totally unexpected, but welcome back anyway, George.

BUSH

I wish I could say I’m glad to be here, but I’m not.

SATAN

Oh, I don’t know…you did live in Texas. How much worse can this be?

BUSH

You got a mouth on you, Satan.

SATAN

Thank you. I do have some news for you. While you were trying to bluff your way into heaven, your good friend and special “turd blossom” Karl Rove brought his stellar political career to an abrupt end with a midnight dip in the Potomac. His swimming buddy, a fifty-pound concrete block, turned out to be…less than helpful.

BUSH

Karl’s here?

SATAN

He’s right behind you.

BUSH

(turns around to face Rove) Karl!. I’ll be damned.

KARL

Well, that makes two of us. (they embrace) Good to see you, Sir.

SATAN

So touching when people find their soul mates. Perhaps I can arrange for you two to pour boiling oil in each other’s orifices. You’d be together….

KARL
(to Satan) Can I have a minute in private with the President?

SATAN

(smiles) It warms my heart to know you haven’t given up on your devious, mischievous ways, Karl. Go. Talk amongst yourselves

Karl and Bush turn their backs to Satan and talk in whispers.

KARL

Okay. Briefly, here’s where I’m at, Mr. President. I’ve started a whisper campaign in circles two and three that call into question the Devil’s commitment to pure evil. It charges that there is credible evidence Satan was not cast out of heaven, but left voluntarily to start a children’s petting zoo in Arizona. God thought Satan wasn’t living up to his potential, there were arguments, insults exchanged, and the rest is history. Second, I’ve organized a group of sycophants and panderers who swear that in the war against good, the Devil has grossly and dishonorably exaggerated his accomplishments. I call them the Swift Goat Soldiers for Truth. Finally, I’ve found a guard who will swear that Lucifer sleeps with a stuffed animal named Pookers. The man has photos!

BUSH

Karl, you are a freaking genius.

KARL

It won’t be long before he’s helping pack our bags.

SATAN

Boys. Oh, boys. Let’s break it up now. Your pitchforks are getting cold.

BUSH

(turning and smiling) Sure, Satan ol’ buddy. You’ve got our undivided attention. Right, Karl?

KARL

Let the games begin.

Don't Quit Your Day Job

I just quit my day job. I’m out of work in two weeks. Do I care?

What is a job anyway but the dead zone between coffee and cocktails? People who really like their jobs scare me. If God wanted us to like our jobs, we’d be getting paid for having sex and watching The Family Guy. Instead we glumly exchange physical and mental wellbeing and self-esteem for dribbles of lucre and less vacation time than anyone else in the universe.

My horoscope for today read: “Pleasure awaits you by the seashore,” which I instinctively understood to mean, “Quit your job.” (I have a gift that way.) So I did. And now, I will have time to focus on the really important things in life: my sweet Katharine, my writing, regenerating my body and soul and finding a new job before bald men with baseball bats track me down.

I’ve already mapped out a grueling “at home” regimen for myself: Wide-eyed and ready to go at noon, wash down an Egg McMuffin with a Corona, watch two hours of The Man Show, put on clothes, nap, win a couple of levels of “Red Faction” on the PS2, write for twenty minutes, watch some financial show on some channel, you know, to really get my chops ready for that next big job, fall asleep on the couch. Yes, it’s brutal, but believe me, it’s what I have to do to set myself apart from the rest of the pack.

So the bottom line is, don’t be afraid to be a quitter. There’s life after work...until you run totally out of money, but that’s another blog for another time.

Is Wrong Right?

What if you were always wrong? Not even wrong most of the time, but always wrong. Can you imagine what a miserable existence that would be? Some of us (myself included) have days or even weeks when we feel like we can’t do or say anything right, but at some point the pendulum swings back and you win a few small victories or experience the emotional satisfaction of an “I told you so.”

It’s not easy always being wrong, what with chance and dumb luck, but one major group of people has managed to be on the wrong side of virtually every issue related to the evolution of humans since the dawn of time. Conservatives. That’s right. What is today considered a political ideology was once simply a state of mind, an inclination that has always afflicted a fluctuating portion of our species. It’s not a glass-half-empty or half-full issue, but more about who has control over the glass and its contents. If I have it, I want to keep it. Anything that might change that situation is bad.

I can imagine a conversation in our distant past going something like this:

Grok
Bork, Tark has made fire.

Bork
Made fire? Only the gods can make fire.

Grok
Tark has made it at the entrance to his cave to keep warm.

Bork
The fool. He will set himself on fire.

Grok
No. It is a small fire and he does not touch it.

Bork
Our ancestors survived without fire. When the gods want us to have fire, they send it from the sky.

Grok
But Tark can make fire anytime to keep him warm during the cold days and nights of winter.

Bork
Do not contradict your elder. It is not our way. A fire maker is a troublemaker. Soon there will be fires in every cave and no one will want to leave their caves to hunt. Hear me. Fire will lead to the death of us all.

Sound familiar?

Bork could be talking about allowing women to vote, regulating child labor, civil rights, Galileo, anti-poverty measures, a radical preacher named Jesus, environmental protection, the wheel…you fill in the blanks.

Nothing is certain in life except that conservatives will always be on the losing side of human advancement. Always. Yet there they are, eternally sniffing at change, stubbornly dismissing the latest leap forward as a fad or lower class affliction, until it washes over humanity in its inescapable truth.

Then, long after the fact, the conservative will embrace it as a given, pretending to have had a hand in generating such obviously beneficial change. They will feign shock, shock I tell you, if you should intimate they might have had a racist, intolerant or curmudgeonly bone in their body.

Perhaps, just perhaps, humanity needs conservatives. In the same way that repetitive resistance with weights builds muscle, it could be that repetitive resistance by history’s champions of the status quo actually helps foster the environment for change. Are these willing dupes the cow shit that fertilizes change or are they merely full of shit? Consider that for every Martin Luther King, Jr. in history there is always a J. Edgar Hoover. You can’t have a comedy duo without a straight man.

It seems possible that Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter, the Zeus and Athena of conservative cranks, actually serve a useful purpose.

But of course, I could be wrong....

No cause for alarm, officer. I'm a Republican.

January 5, 2006

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee
Washington, D.C.

Dear xxxx,

Thank your for joining the Republican Party. We need patriots like you who appreciate the greatness of this country and support our efforts to turn America in the right direction. We are in a daily struggle with the dark forces of liberalism, atheism, socialism and pornography, and we thank you for joining the army of steadfast, courageous conservatives who are willing to stand up for goodness and decency.

Now that you are a registered Republican, you will enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Grand Old Party. Listed here are the advantages you can expect as “one of us."

• You will never be forced to turn on a fellow Republican no matter what he has done and he will never turn on you.
• You can enjoy all the hypocrisy you can stand because your cause is holy.
• Lying is no longer a bad thing, but a vital weapon to be used against the liberal media and snotty college kids home on break.
• You do not have to acknowledge any contradictions in life.
• Ignorance is bliss. What you don’t know doesn’t matter.
• Republicans acknowledge the spiritual anointment of wealth by God, unlike Democrats who remain in denial.
• You are not bound by ethics. “Ethics” is a liberal construct designed to tie the hands of society’s entrepreneurs and visionaries.
• Because your motives are always good, occasional lapses into sinful behavior are quickly forgotten.
• Guilt is a sign of weakness. You may now toss that book out of your library.
• Finally, you can rest in the comfort of knowing that no matter what the facts are, no matter how many people disagree with you, no matter what the scientific evidence is, no matter what you see with your own eyes, you are always right. Isn’t that wonderful?

God bless America, and God bless you for joining our cause.

Sincerely,

Ken Mehlman

Hell To Pay

By John Andreini

A full-length play. Dark comedy.

"This is a puzzling world, and Old Harry's got a finger in it." George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss

SYNOPSIS:

Advertising account executive Danny Laws is having a devil of a time. He's on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client, and, as a result, his job and reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered a deal that could save his hide, but cost him his soul. What begins as a simple Faustian contractual arrangement ends up becoming the biggest potential deal Danny could ever dream of--an ad campaign for Hell. All he has to do is make a presentation to Old Harry and the deal is in the bag. Problems arise, however, when a second agency gets involved and Danny is pressured into accepting conditions that put his dreams in jeopardy. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, Danny and his colleague/lover Lisa prepare the mother of all presentations. But are they actually presenting to the Prince of Darkness and his enigmatic assistant or a couple of devilishly clever con men? Either way, Danny and Lisa use every weapon at their disposal to dispatch the evil duo and rescue their pride, pocketbooks, and perhaps, their souls.

Read more about "Hell to Pay" by going to http://www.playscripts.com

The Resolutions of George Bush

A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.

1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.

Speaking in Texan

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rapidly escalating ‘unlawful surveillance of Americans’ scandal that has been rocking the Bush administration took a new twist today.

In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”

When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”

My Predictions for 2006

Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.

Donald Trump will be fired.

Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).

Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.

Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.

A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.

During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.

Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.

Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.

FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.

The cell phone suppository will be introduced.

A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”

A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”

Uruguay will disappear.

Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.

Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.

The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”

A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.

China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.

Failure of the MSM #2,898,436

During a FOX News interview after his Sunday night address to the nation, Bush once again asserted that, even knowing what we now know, he would still have invaded Iraq.

The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.

If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?

The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?

Someone should ask him.