Emmy-award winning writer/producer Bill Cummings was secretly tapped during a meeting between himself and two FOX network executives during a script review for an episode of his hit TV courtroom drama, “New World Justice.”
(Rustling in background as meeting starts)
Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?
Bill
Great. Busy, as always.
Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.
Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….
Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.
Bill
Okay.
Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.
Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.
Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.
Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.
Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.
Bill
Okay. What’s next?
Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.
Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?
Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.
Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—
Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?
Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.
Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.
Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.
Bill
You know she’s capable of it.
Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.
Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.
Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—
Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?
Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—
Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”
Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.
Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.
Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?
Exec. 1
Amen to that.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Ex-President Bush Suffers Case of Delirium
WASHINGTON – Attributed to the sweltering heat and humidity in Sri Lanka where he is overseeing tsunami relief efforts, former President George H.W. Bush made a series of startling confessions to a group of international reporters yesterday.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Are You Paying Too Much For Torture?
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Repost: Bush Goes to Hell
A short play
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Friday, February 25, 2005
George W. Bush: President and American Hero
Inspiring stories for children about our 43rd President.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I’ve Been a Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Would You Like Fries With That Ambassadorship?
The following exchange of e-mails was obtained exclusively by That’s Going Too Far! The back and forth is between Texas multi-millionaire and Republican party fund raiser Jerry “Bronco” Walker and William Reedy, a top aide to a Midwest Republican Senator.
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Medical Alert: Get Your E-Count Checked Today
The setting is a doctor’s office. A middle aged man sits in a chair waiting. After a few beats, the doctor enters, looking through some paperwork.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Government Isn't So Mysterious After All
The following transcript was smuggled out of the White House by a source I can only identify as Deep Do Do. It was secretly taped during final discussions over the $2.57 trillion budget before it was released to Congress. Participants included President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Treasury Secretary John Snow and Joshua Bolten, head of the president's budget office.
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Friday, February 04, 2005
He’s making a list, checking it twice….
President Bush spoke at a gathering in Fargo, North Dakota yesterday to drum up support for his Social Security initiative. Security officials at the event were given a list of dozens of people who were not to be allowed in to hear the President’s speech, primarily due to their opposition of Bush's Iraq policies. Un-American? Yes. Typical of this administration? Absolutely. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the list used to weed out dissenting voices from the American conversation on Social Security.
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Will Write for $$$
February 2, 2005
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Monday, January 31, 2005
Election Day in Iraq: One Voter's Story
BAGHDAD – It is election day in Iraq. The mood is tense. Ground-shaking blasts can be felt and heard in nearby neighborhoods. Sporadic gunfire echoes through the alley’s of this ancient city. Today, I will be shadowing my trusted translator, Fadel Zeki, on a daring journey through the streets of Baghdad to his polling place where he will cast the first vote of his life. Despite the crying and pleading that we stay barricaded in his small apartment, I can sense that Fadel is genuinely excited to participate in this historic event in his county’s history.
After Fadel finished writing out a crude will, we strapped on our bullet-proof vests, stuffed as many revolvers as we could into our pockets, and began our journey to democracy. I pried Fadel’s hands off of the door frame and we exited into the dusty, noisy streets of Baghdad.
The polling place was roughly ten blocks from Fadel’s apartment. The air was pungent with the smells of burning rubber, gunpowder and unwashed humans. Wary eyes followed as we walked briskly past the shops and homes of this poor Baghdad neighborhood. It didn’t take long before we were challenged by three young men carrying AK-47s.
They asked if we were going to vote. A puddle darkened the sand around Fadel's feet, but the men did not seem to notice. Fadel told them that we were only going to the market to steal fruit and bread for his family. After some debate among the gunmen, which included one of the men dragging a thumb across his throat, they let us pass.
Fadel was so traumatized by the incident he lost his sense of direction and headed back toward his apartment. I insisted we turn around. He insisted I spend eternity in hell having jackals feed off of my genitals. But with much patience, and a fifty dollar bill, I persuaded Fadel to turn back toward our original destination.
Only two blocks from the polling place, we were again stopped by armed Iraqi citizens. This time, they were as interested in me as much as they were our purpose for being on the street. Fadel told them I was his second cousin on his mother’s side, from France. I thought this was quite clever on Fadel’s part until one of the men addressed me directly in French. My clothes became instantly sweat soaked, and all I could think to do was indicate in sign language that my tongue had been cut out. Oddly enough, such is the climate in Baghdad these days that they bought my story with little discussion, and we were allowed to pass on.
We finally reached the polling station, which was heavily guarded by American military personnel. Fadel entered after showing his papers, but when I produced my journalists credentials I was told to sit on a nearby bench where Iraqi’s who were voting had tied up their dogs, goats and various other animals. I spent the next half-hour fending off the amorous intentions of a three-legged mongrel, when Fadel finally returned from voting.
Excitedly, I asked him how it went and for whom he’d voted. He shrugged his shoulders and said he had no idea. He just picked “anonymous” or “other” in every category. But, he said, they gave out candy when he was done. I knew at that point that true democracy could be decades, perhaps centuries, away. It made one wonder about the whole business of invading a country that did not ask to be invaded. But now, after all was said and done, we had to consider far more immediate concerns, such as how to get back to Fadel’s apartment alive.
After Fadel finished writing out a crude will, we strapped on our bullet-proof vests, stuffed as many revolvers as we could into our pockets, and began our journey to democracy. I pried Fadel’s hands off of the door frame and we exited into the dusty, noisy streets of Baghdad.
The polling place was roughly ten blocks from Fadel’s apartment. The air was pungent with the smells of burning rubber, gunpowder and unwashed humans. Wary eyes followed as we walked briskly past the shops and homes of this poor Baghdad neighborhood. It didn’t take long before we were challenged by three young men carrying AK-47s.
They asked if we were going to vote. A puddle darkened the sand around Fadel's feet, but the men did not seem to notice. Fadel told them that we were only going to the market to steal fruit and bread for his family. After some debate among the gunmen, which included one of the men dragging a thumb across his throat, they let us pass.
Fadel was so traumatized by the incident he lost his sense of direction and headed back toward his apartment. I insisted we turn around. He insisted I spend eternity in hell having jackals feed off of my genitals. But with much patience, and a fifty dollar bill, I persuaded Fadel to turn back toward our original destination.
Only two blocks from the polling place, we were again stopped by armed Iraqi citizens. This time, they were as interested in me as much as they were our purpose for being on the street. Fadel told them I was his second cousin on his mother’s side, from France. I thought this was quite clever on Fadel’s part until one of the men addressed me directly in French. My clothes became instantly sweat soaked, and all I could think to do was indicate in sign language that my tongue had been cut out. Oddly enough, such is the climate in Baghdad these days that they bought my story with little discussion, and we were allowed to pass on.
We finally reached the polling station, which was heavily guarded by American military personnel. Fadel entered after showing his papers, but when I produced my journalists credentials I was told to sit on a nearby bench where Iraqi’s who were voting had tied up their dogs, goats and various other animals. I spent the next half-hour fending off the amorous intentions of a three-legged mongrel, when Fadel finally returned from voting.
Excitedly, I asked him how it went and for whom he’d voted. He shrugged his shoulders and said he had no idea. He just picked “anonymous” or “other” in every category. But, he said, they gave out candy when he was done. I knew at that point that true democracy could be decades, perhaps centuries, away. It made one wonder about the whole business of invading a country that did not ask to be invaded. But now, after all was said and done, we had to consider far more immediate concerns, such as how to get back to Fadel’s apartment alive.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Administration Brouhaha: Who’s Got the Biggest Unit?
WASHINGTON – The Office of the Vice President issued a statement today announcing that Vice President Cheney will create his own special undercover unit for clandestine operations in the United States and abroad.
This announcement comes only one week after Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld divulged the existence of his formerly secret unit, the Strategic Support Branch.
An unnamed administration official said that Cheney was “very upset” to learn that Rumsfeld has his own commando squad and Cheney did not. “There were a lot of expletives thrown around the office that day,” said the official.
Cheney’s unit will be called “Big Dick’s Brigade,” (BDB) and serve under the Vice President’s direct control. The BDB will consist of members drawn from all branches of the military and various federal prisons throughout the United States.
The BDB will be an intelligence gathering organization like Rumsfeld’s unit, but, according to Cheney’s spokesperson, “…it will be bigger, badder and have the ability to open a can of whoop ass on Rumsfeld’s girl scout troop anytime, anywhere.”
In a brief statement from the Secretary of Defense later that afternoon, Rumsfeld wrote that this was an unnecessary duplication of intelligence gathering operations, and the next time he meets with Cheney, he’s going to “….wrap those wire spectacles around his scrotum.”
The President, at his Texas ranch clearing brush, issued a statement indicating his unwavering support for both Cheney and Rumsfeld, and said that he had been thinking of creating his own military unit for espionage and intelligence gathering purposes for some time. “The more Americans we have around the world carrying weapons and a license to kill, the safer we all are,” noted President Bush.
This announcement comes only one week after Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld divulged the existence of his formerly secret unit, the Strategic Support Branch.
An unnamed administration official said that Cheney was “very upset” to learn that Rumsfeld has his own commando squad and Cheney did not. “There were a lot of expletives thrown around the office that day,” said the official.
Cheney’s unit will be called “Big Dick’s Brigade,” (BDB) and serve under the Vice President’s direct control. The BDB will consist of members drawn from all branches of the military and various federal prisons throughout the United States.
The BDB will be an intelligence gathering organization like Rumsfeld’s unit, but, according to Cheney’s spokesperson, “…it will be bigger, badder and have the ability to open a can of whoop ass on Rumsfeld’s girl scout troop anytime, anywhere.”
In a brief statement from the Secretary of Defense later that afternoon, Rumsfeld wrote that this was an unnecessary duplication of intelligence gathering operations, and the next time he meets with Cheney, he’s going to “….wrap those wire spectacles around his scrotum.”
The President, at his Texas ranch clearing brush, issued a statement indicating his unwavering support for both Cheney and Rumsfeld, and said that he had been thinking of creating his own military unit for espionage and intelligence gathering purposes for some time. “The more Americans we have around the world carrying weapons and a license to kill, the safer we all are,” noted President Bush.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Media "Cheat Sheet" Exposed
That’s Going Too Far! obtained the following document from a network news employee who pirated it out of his building in a body cavity. The source of the Cheat Sheet is not known, but the stationary bore “Senior Advisor to the President” letterhead. Oops!
CHEAT SHEET
For all anchors, reporters and producers in our news department. Please refer to these definitions for consistency of message. Thank you.
Conspiracy theorist/nut – Any liberal who asks questions.
Knowledgeable source/expert/reliable source – Any conservative who asks questions.
Washington insider – Any administration official or representative from right-leaning think-tank.
Differing/alternative viewpoint – Any liberal (inside or outside DC) or university professor.
Conventional wisdom/common sense – The Administration’s viewpoint.
Unsubstantiated allegations – The liberal viewpoint.
While most Americans believe… - Those with middle-of-the-road to right-leaning political views.
Others say… - Liberals.
Embedded American reporters – Safe, reliable.
Non-U.S. news sources – Highly questionable.
Cheering throngs/Americans/crowds – What we show around President Bush.
Protestors – What we don’t show around President Bush.
Wall Street/industry lobbyists/industry leaders – Spin positive.
Consumer groups/Rights organizations/liberal activists – Minimal air time.
CHEAT SHEET
For all anchors, reporters and producers in our news department. Please refer to these definitions for consistency of message. Thank you.
Conspiracy theorist/nut – Any liberal who asks questions.
Knowledgeable source/expert/reliable source – Any conservative who asks questions.
Washington insider – Any administration official or representative from right-leaning think-tank.
Differing/alternative viewpoint – Any liberal (inside or outside DC) or university professor.
Conventional wisdom/common sense – The Administration’s viewpoint.
Unsubstantiated allegations – The liberal viewpoint.
While most Americans believe… - Those with middle-of-the-road to right-leaning political views.
Others say… - Liberals.
Embedded American reporters – Safe, reliable.
Non-U.S. news sources – Highly questionable.
Cheering throngs/Americans/crowds – What we show around President Bush.
Protestors – What we don’t show around President Bush.
Wall Street/industry lobbyists/industry leaders – Spin positive.
Consumer groups/Rights organizations/liberal activists – Minimal air time.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Homeland Security
Fearful that abolishing the color-coded terror alert system would leave his city vulnerable, Sheriff Tom Novarri called upon the citizens of Cornerville, Ohio (pop. 21,955) to call or e-mail his “Terrorist Hotline” with any suspicious activity they might encounter. Over the three months it was in existence, the “Terror Hotline” received 458 calls and 394 e-mails from citizens. Below is a sampling of e-mails and call transcripts.
May 21
“Hello?
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Damn right I would. One of the guys who picks up my trash…looks like an Arabian.”
“An Arabian horse?”
“No, dammit. An Arab. The thing is, every time he goes to my garbage can, he stops and looks around. I think he’s doing reconnaissance.”
“Of your yard, Sir?”
“I used to be in the military. God knows what information they could pump out of me before they cut my head off.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will pass along your information.”
“Damn right you will.”
May 24
Dear Sheriff Novarri,
At the Mall yesterday, there were like these two Middle Eastern guys who followed me and my friend Tammy around for like three hours. Even when we tried to ditch them by going into Victoria’s Secret, they came right in and started touching the bras. We were so creeped out. I thought, “What if the guys are like strapped with explosives. And they stand next to us when they push their little buttons.” Tammy thought one of the guys was really cute and said she wouldn’t mind dying in his arms. I said, “Shut up.” They were creeeeepy. Please have them checked out.
Christy
May 25
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report.”
“Yes. I am being held captive by terrorists.”
“Terrance. Is that you?”
“My Mom and Dad are terrorists. They are holding me hostage.”
“Boy, did you get your homework done?”
“Please, send the SWAT team to my house.”
“You’re gonna see the swat team when I get home and swat your butt up one side and down the other.”
(hangs up)
June 3
Dear Sherif
My name is Lisa. I am seven. I want you to arrest my brother Kenny. He hits me and pushes me down. He is a teroristic. Thank you.
Lisa
June 9
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Yes. Thank you. I would like to report that I was abducted by terrorists last week.”
“Really, Sir? Please give me the details.”
“Absolutely. They landed in my backyard about 11:00 p.m. I was having a bowl of Cap’n Krunch when I saw the lights blazing through my windows. Well, I got up and went to the door, and three terrorist wearing shiny metal suits burst into my kitchen and demanded to see Jerry Springer.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will—“
“But I’m not done. They tied me to the kitchen table and started to operate on me with my Salad Shooter and a butter knife….”
“Thank you so much. Goodbye.”
June 23
I am a terrorist. I want to turn myself in, but can't. I have tried many times to quit my terrorist activities, but I am addicted to explosives and human carnage. Please, stop me before I bomb again.
Abdul
July 29
Dear Sheriff Novarri,
I believe my husband could be a terrorist. I first became suspicious when I would call his office at noon and get his answering machine over and over again. Then, he started traveling more than he ever did before, being away from home three and four days at a time, yet I never once saw him with an airline ticket. And then there are the calls. I’ll answer the phone, and the person on the other end immediately hangs up. It’s happened many times. The only explanation I can come to is that he is sneaking off to a terrorist training camp somewhere nearby to train for a new attack on the U.S. I love him, but I think he is lying to me. Please, stop him before he hurts someone.
Kim
August 4
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
(heavy breathing)
“Would you like to make a report, Sir?”
(breathing grows louder)
“Sir, we have caller ID..
(hangs up)
May 21
“Hello?
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Damn right I would. One of the guys who picks up my trash…looks like an Arabian.”
“An Arabian horse?”
“No, dammit. An Arab. The thing is, every time he goes to my garbage can, he stops and looks around. I think he’s doing reconnaissance.”
“Of your yard, Sir?”
“I used to be in the military. God knows what information they could pump out of me before they cut my head off.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will pass along your information.”
“Damn right you will.”
May 24
Dear Sheriff Novarri,
At the Mall yesterday, there were like these two Middle Eastern guys who followed me and my friend Tammy around for like three hours. Even when we tried to ditch them by going into Victoria’s Secret, they came right in and started touching the bras. We were so creeped out. I thought, “What if the guys are like strapped with explosives. And they stand next to us when they push their little buttons.” Tammy thought one of the guys was really cute and said she wouldn’t mind dying in his arms. I said, “Shut up.” They were creeeeepy. Please have them checked out.
Christy
May 25
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report.”
“Yes. I am being held captive by terrorists.”
“Terrance. Is that you?”
“My Mom and Dad are terrorists. They are holding me hostage.”
“Boy, did you get your homework done?”
“Please, send the SWAT team to my house.”
“You’re gonna see the swat team when I get home and swat your butt up one side and down the other.”
(hangs up)
June 3
Dear Sherif
My name is Lisa. I am seven. I want you to arrest my brother Kenny. He hits me and pushes me down. He is a teroristic. Thank you.
Lisa
June 9
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
“Yes. Thank you. I would like to report that I was abducted by terrorists last week.”
“Really, Sir? Please give me the details.”
“Absolutely. They landed in my backyard about 11:00 p.m. I was having a bowl of Cap’n Krunch when I saw the lights blazing through my windows. Well, I got up and went to the door, and three terrorist wearing shiny metal suits burst into my kitchen and demanded to see Jerry Springer.”
“Thank you, Sir. I will—“
“But I’m not done. They tied me to the kitchen table and started to operate on me with my Salad Shooter and a butter knife….”
“Thank you so much. Goodbye.”
June 23
I am a terrorist. I want to turn myself in, but can't. I have tried many times to quit my terrorist activities, but I am addicted to explosives and human carnage. Please, stop me before I bomb again.
Abdul
July 29
Dear Sheriff Novarri,
I believe my husband could be a terrorist. I first became suspicious when I would call his office at noon and get his answering machine over and over again. Then, he started traveling more than he ever did before, being away from home three and four days at a time, yet I never once saw him with an airline ticket. And then there are the calls. I’ll answer the phone, and the person on the other end immediately hangs up. It’s happened many times. The only explanation I can come to is that he is sneaking off to a terrorist training camp somewhere nearby to train for a new attack on the U.S. I love him, but I think he is lying to me. Please, stop him before he hurts someone.
Kim
August 4
“Terrorist Hotline. Would you like to make a report?”
(heavy breathing)
“Would you like to make a report, Sir?”
(breathing grows louder)
“Sir, we have caller ID..
(hangs up)
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
January 20, 2005. Mourning in America.
Only days before George Bush is to be sworn in for his second term as President, Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice told Senators during her confirmation hearing that, “The goal [in Iraq] is to get the mission accomplished.” According to Rice, “the Mission” has something to do with spreading democracy in the Middle East, but I could find no mention in the Associated Press article of any Senator making her state bluntly what “the mission” is or when we decide it is finished. There were also no apologies for misleading the nation into war nor any timetable for ending our occupation of Iraq.
“Ms. Rice. Is the earth round or is it flat?”
“Mr. Senator, the President assures us daily that the world is flat, and it is undermining our work in Iraq to state otherwise. So it is flat.”
“Well, that’s good enough for me. Next question.”
In related articles recently, we are told of a president who refuses to listen to negative assessments about Iraq. He will hear only progress reports and nothing else. A primary factor in Colin Powell’s exit from the inner ring was his tendency to tell the President the truth about the situation on the ground, a no-no in the Oval Office. So we are stuck with a President who is clearly out of touch with reality and an administration all but willing to enable his otherworldly views.
During the first four years of the Bush administration, the press was handed scandal after scandal, a number of which make Whitewater look like a case of shoplifing. But the corporate press failed us at every turn, and continues to do so now. Bush and Rice and the rest of the inner circle can tell the press virtually any lie they wish without fear of anything more damaging than a mild follow-up question, just for old times’ sake.
Why are we not holding anyone responsible for the lies which lead us into Iraq? The death toll of American’s rises daily. Towns are destroyed in order to save them, and if you think Iraqi civilians don’t die every time we blow up buildings or send rockets into town squares, you are as delusional as Bush.
Inauguration day this Thursday will be a day of mourning for millions of Americans. As talk of invading Iran grows and the sense of unending war in Iraq deepens, the Inauguration of George Bush will be a milepost in the rapid decline of America as a world leader to an isolated island of bigotry, hatred and fear, which just happens to possess a butt-load of nuclear weapons.
“Ms. Rice. Is the earth round or is it flat?”
“Mr. Senator, the President assures us daily that the world is flat, and it is undermining our work in Iraq to state otherwise. So it is flat.”
“Well, that’s good enough for me. Next question.”
In related articles recently, we are told of a president who refuses to listen to negative assessments about Iraq. He will hear only progress reports and nothing else. A primary factor in Colin Powell’s exit from the inner ring was his tendency to tell the President the truth about the situation on the ground, a no-no in the Oval Office. So we are stuck with a President who is clearly out of touch with reality and an administration all but willing to enable his otherworldly views.
During the first four years of the Bush administration, the press was handed scandal after scandal, a number of which make Whitewater look like a case of shoplifing. But the corporate press failed us at every turn, and continues to do so now. Bush and Rice and the rest of the inner circle can tell the press virtually any lie they wish without fear of anything more damaging than a mild follow-up question, just for old times’ sake.
Why are we not holding anyone responsible for the lies which lead us into Iraq? The death toll of American’s rises daily. Towns are destroyed in order to save them, and if you think Iraqi civilians don’t die every time we blow up buildings or send rockets into town squares, you are as delusional as Bush.
Inauguration day this Thursday will be a day of mourning for millions of Americans. As talk of invading Iran grows and the sense of unending war in Iraq deepens, the Inauguration of George Bush will be a milepost in the rapid decline of America as a world leader to an isolated island of bigotry, hatred and fear, which just happens to possess a butt-load of nuclear weapons.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Truth. American Enemy #1
That’s Going Too Far! recently obtained this furndraising letter sent from the Republican National Committee to select Republicans nationwide
January 11, 2005
Dear ,
Well, here they go again. The liberal media is up to its old tricks, trying to use the truth to bash President Bush and his policies. We’ve seen it before. They tried to discredit the glorious liberation of Iraq with “facts” and “proof,” tried to derail the Patriot Act by pointing to so-called “truths” in the Constitution. And now, fellow patriots, thy are using this same dirty trick to attack President Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security.
Is this underhanded, un-American tactic as abhorrent to you as it is to me? Is it right that they think they can attack the President’s policies simply because the numbers don’t add up and the arguments are unsubstantiated? Is it good for this country to continuously question the Administration’s proposals, even when they’re wrong? There is something insidious about haranguing the President of the United States over whether he knows what he’s talking about or not. Who cares? Only those “blame America first” liberal elites, that’s who
This is still America. Isn’t it? Land of the free, home of the brave? We are a proud people who don’t need to have the “truth” to know what’s right and wrong. This great country wasn’t founded by scientists and philosophers, but by unshaven mountain men who smelled like the rotting carcass of a week old dead beaver, but who weren’t afraid to shoot first and ask questions later. Believe me, friends, your gut is the ultimate truth.
There is a political agenda behind this “truth” thing, mark my words, and it’s time to fight back. Help the Republican National Committee launch a campaign to combat truth, in all it’s ugly visages. Our President needs us now, more than ever. Thank you for your past generous contributions. I ask for your help once again in battling an enemy of formidable, but not unbeatable, strength—the truth. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Ed Gillespie
Chairman,
Republican National Committee
January 11, 2005
Dear ,
Well, here they go again. The liberal media is up to its old tricks, trying to use the truth to bash President Bush and his policies. We’ve seen it before. They tried to discredit the glorious liberation of Iraq with “facts” and “proof,” tried to derail the Patriot Act by pointing to so-called “truths” in the Constitution. And now, fellow patriots, thy are using this same dirty trick to attack President Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security.
Is this underhanded, un-American tactic as abhorrent to you as it is to me? Is it right that they think they can attack the President’s policies simply because the numbers don’t add up and the arguments are unsubstantiated? Is it good for this country to continuously question the Administration’s proposals, even when they’re wrong? There is something insidious about haranguing the President of the United States over whether he knows what he’s talking about or not. Who cares? Only those “blame America first” liberal elites, that’s who
This is still America. Isn’t it? Land of the free, home of the brave? We are a proud people who don’t need to have the “truth” to know what’s right and wrong. This great country wasn’t founded by scientists and philosophers, but by unshaven mountain men who smelled like the rotting carcass of a week old dead beaver, but who weren’t afraid to shoot first and ask questions later. Believe me, friends, your gut is the ultimate truth.
There is a political agenda behind this “truth” thing, mark my words, and it’s time to fight back. Help the Republican National Committee launch a campaign to combat truth, in all it’s ugly visages. Our President needs us now, more than ever. Thank you for your past generous contributions. I ask for your help once again in battling an enemy of formidable, but not unbeatable, strength—the truth. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Ed Gillespie
Chairman,
Republican National Committee
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Oh Grow Up!
I caught a few minutes of Bush on TV this morning. Thanks, I’m okay and the eye twitch usually subsides in a day or two. Microphone in hand, buffed and polished “citizens” seated behind him, Bush jacked his jaw (with the help of notes just below camera level) about everything he claims is wrong with Social Security in his attempt to sway the American people that we need to take this program out of the hands of government bureaucrats and put it into the hands of Wall Street vampires.
The twitch began as Bush explained his problems with Social Security as if reading “My Pet Goat” to school children. “A trillion dollars. That’s trillion, with a ‘t.’” The smirk followed. Then the pause, while he read his notes or received his next line in his earpiece. Arrogant. Patronizing. Dangerous.
There are problems with Social Security, but the reality is far different than what Bush is telling the public today on television. In fact, the math isn’t all that difficult, even for the numerically-challenged such as myself. As John Marshall in “Talking Points Memo” succinctly puts it:
“The Social Security Trustees estimate that over the next 75 years the program faces a budget shortfall of $3.7 trillion.
But how much will the president's Medicare drug benefit plan cost over the next 75 years?
$8.1 trillion, say the Trustees of that program.
And over the next 75 years how much will the president's 2001 and 2003 tax cuts cost if made permanent, as the president wants?
$11.6 trillion.
So you add that up and you get $3.7 trillion we need to cover Social Security's shortfall and $19.7 trillion we need just to cover the costs of the two major domestic policy initiatives of the president's first term.”
But it is ideology, not facts and logic, which drive the President’s policies. Bush treats the American people as if they are children in need of a big, tough daddy instead of an informed citizenry in need of a head of state. Through our acquiescence, we are giving away our hard won democracy to Bush and his cronies, one policy at a time. Isn’t it time we grow up?
The twitch began as Bush explained his problems with Social Security as if reading “My Pet Goat” to school children. “A trillion dollars. That’s trillion, with a ‘t.’” The smirk followed. Then the pause, while he read his notes or received his next line in his earpiece. Arrogant. Patronizing. Dangerous.
There are problems with Social Security, but the reality is far different than what Bush is telling the public today on television. In fact, the math isn’t all that difficult, even for the numerically-challenged such as myself. As John Marshall in “Talking Points Memo” succinctly puts it:
“The Social Security Trustees estimate that over the next 75 years the program faces a budget shortfall of $3.7 trillion.
But how much will the president's Medicare drug benefit plan cost over the next 75 years?
$8.1 trillion, say the Trustees of that program.
And over the next 75 years how much will the president's 2001 and 2003 tax cuts cost if made permanent, as the president wants?
$11.6 trillion.
So you add that up and you get $3.7 trillion we need to cover Social Security's shortfall and $19.7 trillion we need just to cover the costs of the two major domestic policy initiatives of the president's first term.”
But it is ideology, not facts and logic, which drive the President’s policies. Bush treats the American people as if they are children in need of a big, tough daddy instead of an informed citizenry in need of a head of state. Through our acquiescence, we are giving away our hard won democracy to Bush and his cronies, one policy at a time. Isn’t it time we grow up?
Monday, January 10, 2005
We Need a Plan. Quick.
Today’s lead story: Four CBS executives were fired over the forged documents related to Bush’s National Guard service that made up the basis of a “60 Minutes” report. Dan Rather stepped down from his anchor post last year, many feeling he was nudged out because of his involvement in the document fiasco. Heads rolled, as they should, because of poor judgment on the part of CBS news reporters in a rush to scoop other stations.
But it’s funny. I don’t remember anyone at CBS or any other station losing their job for reporting the lies of the Swift Boat Veterans during the presidential campaign. I don’t recall anyone being fired for neglecting to report on the myriad election day mishaps, incidents of intimidation and obfuscation, and malfunctioning voting machines…a true national scandal. And, other than a few red faces, I am not aware of any reporters, editors or broadcasters being let go for their uncritical acceptance of the Bush administration’s lies leading up to the Iraq war. Even the worst offender, Judith Miller of the New York Times, whose erroneous stories of WMDs were fed to her by the discredited Iraqi dissident Chalabi, was not fired, even after the New York Time’s apologized for her work.
The axe fell at CBS over the National Guard documents for one reason—CBS is trying to make nice with the Bush administration. No one was fired over the other missed stories because it is not in the media’s interest to do so. They would have to make nice to the American people. As long as ratings are good, what would be the gain in that?
It is not in the media’s interest to tell the American people that there are still unexplained gaps in Bush’s National Guard records, forged memos or not. No, it is almost never in the media’s interest to anger the administration, which means it is often not in their interest to report the truth.
The greatest challenge progressives and liberals face over the next few years is figuring how to bring the truth to the people in places like Paducah, Kentucky and Laramie, Wyoming and Selma, Alabama. Their hometown newspapers are more than likely conservative. The churches that they attend every Sunday are conservatively oriented. And, the television or radio news they watch and listen to is either the “How high should we jump?” networks or the rabid Right cable stations.
How do we break into the Red State enclave with the truth? We did learn a valuable lesson from the Right, which has spent the last three decades building a communications infrastructure, or “echo chamber,” with Think Tanks, cable TV programming and radio talk shows. But we don’t have three decades to catch up, and with the damage being done by the Busheviks growing daily, we need a media plan, and we need it quick
But it’s funny. I don’t remember anyone at CBS or any other station losing their job for reporting the lies of the Swift Boat Veterans during the presidential campaign. I don’t recall anyone being fired for neglecting to report on the myriad election day mishaps, incidents of intimidation and obfuscation, and malfunctioning voting machines…a true national scandal. And, other than a few red faces, I am not aware of any reporters, editors or broadcasters being let go for their uncritical acceptance of the Bush administration’s lies leading up to the Iraq war. Even the worst offender, Judith Miller of the New York Times, whose erroneous stories of WMDs were fed to her by the discredited Iraqi dissident Chalabi, was not fired, even after the New York Time’s apologized for her work.
The axe fell at CBS over the National Guard documents for one reason—CBS is trying to make nice with the Bush administration. No one was fired over the other missed stories because it is not in the media’s interest to do so. They would have to make nice to the American people. As long as ratings are good, what would be the gain in that?
It is not in the media’s interest to tell the American people that there are still unexplained gaps in Bush’s National Guard records, forged memos or not. No, it is almost never in the media’s interest to anger the administration, which means it is often not in their interest to report the truth.
The greatest challenge progressives and liberals face over the next few years is figuring how to bring the truth to the people in places like Paducah, Kentucky and Laramie, Wyoming and Selma, Alabama. Their hometown newspapers are more than likely conservative. The churches that they attend every Sunday are conservatively oriented. And, the television or radio news they watch and listen to is either the “How high should we jump?” networks or the rabid Right cable stations.
How do we break into the Red State enclave with the truth? We did learn a valuable lesson from the Right, which has spent the last three decades building a communications infrastructure, or “echo chamber,” with Think Tanks, cable TV programming and radio talk shows. But we don’t have three decades to catch up, and with the damage being done by the Busheviks growing daily, we need a media plan, and we need it quick
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Temporarily Out Of Order
I have had some upheavels in my life the past couple of weeks, hence, the lack of postings. I will be back ranting and raving like a blind man swatting flies with a baseball bat very soon. Check back!
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