Due to the growing number of Republicans facing attacks from the liberal media and the worldwide Democratic conspiracy, the RNC has prepared this list of dos and don’ts for representatives who are under investigation or who believe they soon may be.
1.Speak, meet and greet only in friendly territory: NRA functions, Southern Baptist conventions, DAR meetings, FOX News, Posse Comitatus picnics, etc.
2.Do not meet with your mistress, “significant other,” or alcoholic brother-in-law during the period of the investigation.
3.Throw blame at every possible opportunity. Usual targets include Democrats, liberals, the liberal media, Hollywood, activist judges, terrorists and the French.
4.Start going to church.
5.Take down the confederate flag in your front yard.
6.Play golf with Supreme Court justices, and lose.
7.Do not accept invitations to any of the following: Parties at the Playboy mansion; “Fact Finding” missions to Bali, Tahiti or Aruba; events attended by Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton; cock fights, joy rides in black helicopters.
8.Find those Ted Kennedy Polaroid’s you’ve been saving for an emergency. If you don’t have any, check with DeLay.
9.Push through a law giving every one of your constituents a red Mustang convertible.
10.Never, ever admit to any wrongdoing. Ever. God will understand.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
The Rapture. Ooops.
The time is in the very near future. The place is the Oval Office in the White House. President Bush is meeting with Jerry Falwell, Karl Rove, Pat Robertson and Dick Cheney. They sit around an oval coffee table talking.
FALWELL
…so I ask again, gentlemen. What can we do to kick start the faith-based initiative? It’s floundering.
ROBERTSON
Amen to that. We would love to see some movement on this very important issue, Mr. President.
BUSH
Believe me, fellas, I hear you. Loud and clear. But I gotta tell you quite honestly, whatever mandate I had is quickly slipping away. I’m at…what is it today, Karl?
ROVE
41 percent. You see, gentlemen, it is just not an opportune time to push this issue to the forefront. We’re taking some hits from the enemy and by pursuing this right now, we’ll just be giving them more ammunition.
CHENEY
We’re having a harder and harder time getting our legislation through. It’s time to rally the wagons, not hand out candy bars.
ROBERTSON
I’m not sure what that means, Dick, but it sounded real good.
BUSH
We’re in the middle of some damned hard negotiations right now with a few moderates who’re starting to spook at the poll numbers. We just can’t jeopardize that.
FALWELL
With all due respect, George, we’re talking about God’s work here, not some traffic light in Peoria.
ROVE
Jerry, come on. You didn’t get where you are by ignoring political reality. It’s not off the radar for good, just for a while. Get through a bit of choppy water.
ROBERTSON
You guys got anymore of that single malt? Feeling a little parched.
CHENEY
(stands and goes to a cabinet where he starts pouring drinks) Jerry?
FALWELL
A short one. I gotta record something tonight. Not even sure what.
BUSH
Look, guys, I feel really bad about this, but….
At that moment, a young man bursts into the Oval Office, trembling with excitement.
YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, Sirs. Very sorry, but you have to hear this. THE RAPTURE IS UNDER WAY.
ROBERTSON
What?
FALWELL
Son, if this is some kind of joke….
YOUNG MAN
It’s no joke, Sir. People are starting to rise up into the sky. As I speak.
CHENEY
The hell you say.
They all get up and go to a window.
BUSH
I don’t see nuthin’.
FALWELL
Oh Lord. There. Over there. A spec rising up into the clouds.
CHENEY
I will be a son-of-a-bitch. I see another one.
ROBERTSON
There. There’s one that’s even closer.
FALWELL
It’s the Rapture. Christ is returning.
BUSH
I still don’t see anything.
ROBERTSON
Lord of Lords. Jesus is coming. Jesus is coming.
CHENEY.
Now hold on. Let’s talk to some people first and get a bead on this thing.
An elderly black man enters the room with an ice bucket.
BM
Mr. President. The ice you requested.
BUSH
(looking the other way) Fine. Fine. Just set it on the—
The black man’s body slowly starts to rise into the air. Cheney, Rove, Robertson and Falwell watch as it disappears through the ceiling.
ROVE
Oh God….
ROBERTSON
Praise the Lord.
BUSH
(still looking out the window) What? Did you see another one? What is it?
FALWELL
It’s the second coming of our savior, Jesus Christ.
BUSH
(turning around) Where? I wanna see. The President should be there when Christ arrives.
ROVE
I should be making some preparations. Some calls to the press.
BUSH
(turning back to the window. Excitedly)
I see one. I see one. Look. I see a body going up into the air. It’s incredible. Oh, Jesus, there’s another one.
ROBERTSON
(falling to his knees) Oh Lord, your prophecies are fulfilled. We knew you were coming. We knew it.
FALWELL
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
CHENEY
Is anybody….wondering why none of us is floating up?
FALWELL
(laughing) Oh Dick. Always the pragmatist. It’s an ongoing process. I suspect they start with a fringe group of believers and work their way up to the truly worthy. Pat?
ROBERTSON
(standing) Absolutely. You always save the best for last. Always.
BUSH
Right. Like the punch line to a joke.
ROBERTSON
Not exactly what I had in mind, but….
FALWELL
Soon, very soon, we’ll be in the company of our beloved Jesus Christ.
ROBERTSON
It should just be a matter of moments, I’m guessing.
FALWELL
Let’s pray. Silently. And wait patiently for our ascension to God’s kingdom.
There is a long silent period as they all bow their heads in prayer. After about ten minutes, Rove lifts his head and looks around.
ROVE
Everyone’s still earthbound.
ROBERTSON
It’s a world of five billion people. It’s going to take some time to move up the food chain.
FALWELL
Well, we’re only talking about Christians, Pat, not…the rest of them.
ROBERTSON
True. True.
BUSH
I’m not seeing anymore bodies floatin’.
ROVE
(looking intently out the window) There’s gotta be more. Right?
FALWELL
Of course there must be more. We’re still here.
Waiting turns into toe tapping, humming, loosening of ties. Soon, the room begins to darken.
BUSH
Clouds. Dark clouds are rolling in. What does that mean?
ROBERTSON
Probably nothing.
FALWELL
Perhaps we will be introduced to the heavenly body with claps of thunder.
CHENEY
Perhaps our asses are grass. Perhaps we ain’t going nowhere.
ROBERTSON
Preposterous.
FALWELL
Totally out of the question.
Again a long, painful silence. Cheney goes to the bar and pours himself a drink
CHENEY
Anyone join me?
ROVE
(slumping) Sure. A double.
ROBERTSON
Oh ye of little faith—
BUSH
Shut up, Pat. Make mine a triple.
FALWELL
The Lord would not abandon his most devoted servants. No.
ROBERTSON
(sheepishly) We’re not on the list, Jerry.
FALWELL
Nonsense.
ROBERTSON
(walking toward the bar) Give me the bottle.
FALWELL
I will not forsake you. My Lord.
ROVE
You know, this could turn to our advantage,
BUSH
What?
ROVE
Think about it. Okay, the truly good and righteous people are gone. Hell, they’re the ones who didn’t like us in the first place. What’s left are the…salt of the earth types, beer guzzlers, swindlers, cheats, liars…our people.
CHENEY
Good point, Karl.
BUSH
They are the ones we went after anyway. The “one quart low” types. Now…that’s all there is. It’s brilliant.
ROBERTSON
I…I can start a new church based on greed and lust. A theme park…..
FALWELL
(falling to his knees)
No, no, no. I can’t be sent to hell.
BUSH
Hey, that’s negative thinking. You know how I hate negative thinking.
FALWELL
(slowly standing, eyes full of tears) Yes Sir.
BUSH
Now come over here and get blasted with the rest of us. We got some strategizing to do.
Falwell joins the group, and they all toast and drink as the skies darken.
FALWELL
…so I ask again, gentlemen. What can we do to kick start the faith-based initiative? It’s floundering.
ROBERTSON
Amen to that. We would love to see some movement on this very important issue, Mr. President.
BUSH
Believe me, fellas, I hear you. Loud and clear. But I gotta tell you quite honestly, whatever mandate I had is quickly slipping away. I’m at…what is it today, Karl?
ROVE
41 percent. You see, gentlemen, it is just not an opportune time to push this issue to the forefront. We’re taking some hits from the enemy and by pursuing this right now, we’ll just be giving them more ammunition.
CHENEY
We’re having a harder and harder time getting our legislation through. It’s time to rally the wagons, not hand out candy bars.
ROBERTSON
I’m not sure what that means, Dick, but it sounded real good.
BUSH
We’re in the middle of some damned hard negotiations right now with a few moderates who’re starting to spook at the poll numbers. We just can’t jeopardize that.
FALWELL
With all due respect, George, we’re talking about God’s work here, not some traffic light in Peoria.
ROVE
Jerry, come on. You didn’t get where you are by ignoring political reality. It’s not off the radar for good, just for a while. Get through a bit of choppy water.
ROBERTSON
You guys got anymore of that single malt? Feeling a little parched.
CHENEY
(stands and goes to a cabinet where he starts pouring drinks) Jerry?
FALWELL
A short one. I gotta record something tonight. Not even sure what.
BUSH
Look, guys, I feel really bad about this, but….
At that moment, a young man bursts into the Oval Office, trembling with excitement.
YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, Sirs. Very sorry, but you have to hear this. THE RAPTURE IS UNDER WAY.
ROBERTSON
What?
FALWELL
Son, if this is some kind of joke….
YOUNG MAN
It’s no joke, Sir. People are starting to rise up into the sky. As I speak.
CHENEY
The hell you say.
They all get up and go to a window.
BUSH
I don’t see nuthin’.
FALWELL
Oh Lord. There. Over there. A spec rising up into the clouds.
CHENEY
I will be a son-of-a-bitch. I see another one.
ROBERTSON
There. There’s one that’s even closer.
FALWELL
It’s the Rapture. Christ is returning.
BUSH
I still don’t see anything.
ROBERTSON
Lord of Lords. Jesus is coming. Jesus is coming.
CHENEY.
Now hold on. Let’s talk to some people first and get a bead on this thing.
An elderly black man enters the room with an ice bucket.
BM
Mr. President. The ice you requested.
BUSH
(looking the other way) Fine. Fine. Just set it on the—
The black man’s body slowly starts to rise into the air. Cheney, Rove, Robertson and Falwell watch as it disappears through the ceiling.
ROVE
Oh God….
ROBERTSON
Praise the Lord.
BUSH
(still looking out the window) What? Did you see another one? What is it?
FALWELL
It’s the second coming of our savior, Jesus Christ.
BUSH
(turning around) Where? I wanna see. The President should be there when Christ arrives.
ROVE
I should be making some preparations. Some calls to the press.
BUSH
(turning back to the window. Excitedly)
I see one. I see one. Look. I see a body going up into the air. It’s incredible. Oh, Jesus, there’s another one.
ROBERTSON
(falling to his knees) Oh Lord, your prophecies are fulfilled. We knew you were coming. We knew it.
FALWELL
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
CHENEY
Is anybody….wondering why none of us is floating up?
FALWELL
(laughing) Oh Dick. Always the pragmatist. It’s an ongoing process. I suspect they start with a fringe group of believers and work their way up to the truly worthy. Pat?
ROBERTSON
(standing) Absolutely. You always save the best for last. Always.
BUSH
Right. Like the punch line to a joke.
ROBERTSON
Not exactly what I had in mind, but….
FALWELL
Soon, very soon, we’ll be in the company of our beloved Jesus Christ.
ROBERTSON
It should just be a matter of moments, I’m guessing.
FALWELL
Let’s pray. Silently. And wait patiently for our ascension to God’s kingdom.
There is a long silent period as they all bow their heads in prayer. After about ten minutes, Rove lifts his head and looks around.
ROVE
Everyone’s still earthbound.
ROBERTSON
It’s a world of five billion people. It’s going to take some time to move up the food chain.
FALWELL
Well, we’re only talking about Christians, Pat, not…the rest of them.
ROBERTSON
True. True.
BUSH
I’m not seeing anymore bodies floatin’.
ROVE
(looking intently out the window) There’s gotta be more. Right?
FALWELL
Of course there must be more. We’re still here.
Waiting turns into toe tapping, humming, loosening of ties. Soon, the room begins to darken.
BUSH
Clouds. Dark clouds are rolling in. What does that mean?
ROBERTSON
Probably nothing.
FALWELL
Perhaps we will be introduced to the heavenly body with claps of thunder.
CHENEY
Perhaps our asses are grass. Perhaps we ain’t going nowhere.
ROBERTSON
Preposterous.
FALWELL
Totally out of the question.
Again a long, painful silence. Cheney goes to the bar and pours himself a drink
CHENEY
Anyone join me?
ROVE
(slumping) Sure. A double.
ROBERTSON
Oh ye of little faith—
BUSH
Shut up, Pat. Make mine a triple.
FALWELL
The Lord would not abandon his most devoted servants. No.
ROBERTSON
(sheepishly) We’re not on the list, Jerry.
FALWELL
Nonsense.
ROBERTSON
(walking toward the bar) Give me the bottle.
FALWELL
I will not forsake you. My Lord.
ROVE
You know, this could turn to our advantage,
BUSH
What?
ROVE
Think about it. Okay, the truly good and righteous people are gone. Hell, they’re the ones who didn’t like us in the first place. What’s left are the…salt of the earth types, beer guzzlers, swindlers, cheats, liars…our people.
CHENEY
Good point, Karl.
BUSH
They are the ones we went after anyway. The “one quart low” types. Now…that’s all there is. It’s brilliant.
ROBERTSON
I…I can start a new church based on greed and lust. A theme park…..
FALWELL
(falling to his knees)
No, no, no. I can’t be sent to hell.
BUSH
Hey, that’s negative thinking. You know how I hate negative thinking.
FALWELL
(slowly standing, eyes full of tears) Yes Sir.
BUSH
Now come over here and get blasted with the rest of us. We got some strategizing to do.
Falwell joins the group, and they all toast and drink as the skies darken.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Music To His Ears
It was revealed today the George Bush has an I-Pod he listens to when he jogs. The White House released the (approved) President’s song list to reporters, which contained myriad country standards with a few Top 40 rock hits thrown in. Our mole in the WH, however, has obtained the ACTUAL list of songs Dubya listens to when he’s beatin’ tracks in preparation for his future impeachment escape plan. Please remember: Bush does not understand satire, which is a common conservative Christian affliction.
Kill the Poor – Dead Kennedys
Screw You We’re From Texas – Ray Willie Hubbard
White Riot --– Clash
Do You Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Playground in my Mind – Clint Holmes
Dirty White Boy – Foreigner
Raw Power – Stooges
Anarchy in the U.K. – Sex Pistols
Heterosexual Man – Bedbugs
Love Gun – Kiss
Where Eagles Dare – Misfits
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Whip It – Devo
My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
One Way Or Another – Blondie
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me – Culture Club
Kill the Poor – Dead Kennedys
Screw You We’re From Texas – Ray Willie Hubbard
White Riot --– Clash
Do You Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Playground in my Mind – Clint Holmes
Dirty White Boy – Foreigner
Raw Power – Stooges
Anarchy in the U.K. – Sex Pistols
Heterosexual Man – Bedbugs
Love Gun – Kiss
Where Eagles Dare – Misfits
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Whip It – Devo
My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
One Way Or Another – Blondie
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me – Culture Club
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Karl Rove’s next bogus document
Praise Allah!
Hillary and Bill,
I want to thank you so much for the .50 caliber weapons. I am training my men on this weapon at an airfield in Sudan as I write. Your e-mails of encouragement are like honey to my ears. I took your advice and I am now relaxing at a spa in Switzerland until details of our next mission can be worked out. They laughed when I ate the cucumbers that were supposed to go on my eyes. Such are the ignorant ways of a martyr for Allah. You asked whether I received the money and drugs. Yes on both counts. You know, I’ve always hated the way I look on videotape, all "Mr. Droopy face," so I am hoping this time spent relaxing and the meth will give me a “perkier” look and attitude. And thank you for your suggested list of targets in North America. You both have a good eye for that type of thing. Well, Olga is beckoning me to the hot tub, so I must end my note and satisfy the curiosity of yet another young, succulent infidel woman. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I will have my people pick up the uranium on Tuesday, as instructed. May Allah’s blessings be on you.
ObL
Hillary and Bill,
I want to thank you so much for the .50 caliber weapons. I am training my men on this weapon at an airfield in Sudan as I write. Your e-mails of encouragement are like honey to my ears. I took your advice and I am now relaxing at a spa in Switzerland until details of our next mission can be worked out. They laughed when I ate the cucumbers that were supposed to go on my eyes. Such are the ignorant ways of a martyr for Allah. You asked whether I received the money and drugs. Yes on both counts. You know, I’ve always hated the way I look on videotape, all "Mr. Droopy face," so I am hoping this time spent relaxing and the meth will give me a “perkier” look and attitude. And thank you for your suggested list of targets in North America. You both have a good eye for that type of thing. Well, Olga is beckoning me to the hot tub, so I must end my note and satisfy the curiosity of yet another young, succulent infidel woman. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I will have my people pick up the uranium on Tuesday, as instructed. May Allah’s blessings be on you.
ObL
Monday, April 04, 2005
When Democrats Attack
Transcript of a recent meeting in the Oval Office between President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger, and key democrats Kennedy, Boxer and Biden.
BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.
KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.
BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—
BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—
ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.
BOXER
Excuse me?
ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.
BOXER
You’re kidding, right?
ARNOLD
Silence.
BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.
BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.
ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?
BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?
BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.
KENNEDY
This is insane.
ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.
BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.
BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]
ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.
BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.
ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.
BOXER
This can’t be happening.
BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.
KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.
BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.
BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.
BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.
ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.
BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.
KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.
BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.
BOXER
Over my dead body.
ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.
KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.
BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.
BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.
ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.
BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.
The three Democrats stand.
ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.
BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.
ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.
BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.
BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.
ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.
BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.
BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.
KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.
BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—
BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—
ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.
BOXER
Excuse me?
ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.
BOXER
You’re kidding, right?
ARNOLD
Silence.
BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.
BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.
ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?
BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?
BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.
KENNEDY
This is insane.
ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.
BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.
BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]
ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.
BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.
ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.
BOXER
This can’t be happening.
BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.
KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.
BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.
BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.
BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.
ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.
BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.
KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.
BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.
BOXER
Over my dead body.
ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.
KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.
BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.
BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.
ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.
BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.
The three Democrats stand.
ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.
BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.
ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.
BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.
BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.
ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.
BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
I'll Tell You When You're Dead
Dear friends of life,
As we fight the war for the life of Terri Schiavo, another travesty of the human spirit has made itself known to me. A young boy in Mississippi lies in a hospital bed fighting for his very existence. Little nine-year old Billy Sterling suffered a series of horrendous accidents recently. It appears he was thrown from the back of a speeding pickup truck (may the driver get the death penalty) into the Waxikootchie river, where he was swept over a dam to the rocks sixty feet below. Duck hunters in a blind near the falls thought the poor boy was a large goose flying down from the top of the falls and fired on him a number of times. Upon realizing their mistake, the hunters took their boat out into the water in an attempt to save the boy, only to run over the floating body several times. They had just managed to get the child’s limp body into the boat when they were rammed by a drunken jet ski operator, hurling Billy back into the raging water, where he was swept farther downstream and into a hydroelectric facility along the river. Workers rescued what was left of brave little Billy, but now, while Billy lies in his hospital bed, fighting the fight of his short life, his mother wants to pull the plug on his existence. Yes, he’s missing three limbs and half his head. Yes, he was declared clinically dead. And, yes, they have already removed some organs. But Billy lives…with the assistance of $500,000 worth of medical equipment. A life is a life, Dear Friends. We can’t let the Democrats kill one more human being, and mark my words; Billy’s mother is a card-carrying member of the liberal establishment for whom life is something to be thrown away on a whim. This is not “grandstanding” as liberals would have you believe, nor is it an attempt to play on your sympathies for money (although you may feel free to include a donation). We are fighting for the right to life. Every life is important, even if some wisenheimer doctor says you’re dead. I’m a doctor, and I have never said, “You’re dead” to anyone who wasn’t 100 percent dead. That’s the difference. Help us stop the culture of death.
Sincerely,
Senator Bill “Dr. Life” Frist, MD
As we fight the war for the life of Terri Schiavo, another travesty of the human spirit has made itself known to me. A young boy in Mississippi lies in a hospital bed fighting for his very existence. Little nine-year old Billy Sterling suffered a series of horrendous accidents recently. It appears he was thrown from the back of a speeding pickup truck (may the driver get the death penalty) into the Waxikootchie river, where he was swept over a dam to the rocks sixty feet below. Duck hunters in a blind near the falls thought the poor boy was a large goose flying down from the top of the falls and fired on him a number of times. Upon realizing their mistake, the hunters took their boat out into the water in an attempt to save the boy, only to run over the floating body several times. They had just managed to get the child’s limp body into the boat when they were rammed by a drunken jet ski operator, hurling Billy back into the raging water, where he was swept farther downstream and into a hydroelectric facility along the river. Workers rescued what was left of brave little Billy, but now, while Billy lies in his hospital bed, fighting the fight of his short life, his mother wants to pull the plug on his existence. Yes, he’s missing three limbs and half his head. Yes, he was declared clinically dead. And, yes, they have already removed some organs. But Billy lives…with the assistance of $500,000 worth of medical equipment. A life is a life, Dear Friends. We can’t let the Democrats kill one more human being, and mark my words; Billy’s mother is a card-carrying member of the liberal establishment for whom life is something to be thrown away on a whim. This is not “grandstanding” as liberals would have you believe, nor is it an attempt to play on your sympathies for money (although you may feel free to include a donation). We are fighting for the right to life. Every life is important, even if some wisenheimer doctor says you’re dead. I’m a doctor, and I have never said, “You’re dead” to anyone who wasn’t 100 percent dead. That’s the difference. Help us stop the culture of death.
Sincerely,
Senator Bill “Dr. Life” Frist, MD
Sunday, March 20, 2005
What’s The Frequency, Dubya?
This is an excerpt from a recent administration-sponsored “Town Hall” meeting on Social Security. The meeting was cut short when there appeared to be problems with Bush’s electronic listening device.
President Bush
“…so, as you can clearly see my friends, the problems with social security cannot wait another five or ten years. We have to act now. We can’t just sit by and watch…the Yankees go ahead by two runs…. Uh…excuse me. What I meant to say was that we can’t sit by and watch the program go down the tubes and do nothing. We’re talking about the future of your children, who deserve…to hear the latest from Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl.’ (pause) I…seem to be a little tongue-tied today, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry. But I urge you to contact your representatives in Washington and tell them to…bring down Commander Hillary and her battalions of femi-nazis…. (under his breath) A little help here. (to the audience) Tell them that they must act now to save social security and not put future generations at risk of being…caught in a downpour in Schenectady this afternoon. Today’s highs will be…. Okay….I’m feeling a little under the weather, friends, so I’m going to conclude now by thanking you for coming out today and…supporting liberal radio on Air America. This is Al Franken signing off…. (Bush faints and is whisked away)
President Bush
“…so, as you can clearly see my friends, the problems with social security cannot wait another five or ten years. We have to act now. We can’t just sit by and watch…the Yankees go ahead by two runs…. Uh…excuse me. What I meant to say was that we can’t sit by and watch the program go down the tubes and do nothing. We’re talking about the future of your children, who deserve…to hear the latest from Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl.’ (pause) I…seem to be a little tongue-tied today, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry. But I urge you to contact your representatives in Washington and tell them to…bring down Commander Hillary and her battalions of femi-nazis…. (under his breath) A little help here. (to the audience) Tell them that they must act now to save social security and not put future generations at risk of being…caught in a downpour in Schenectady this afternoon. Today’s highs will be…. Okay….I’m feeling a little under the weather, friends, so I’m going to conclude now by thanking you for coming out today and…supporting liberal radio on Air America. This is Al Franken signing off…. (Bush faints and is whisked away)
Saturday, March 19, 2005
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 05443
* Required Fields
*Name________________________________________
*Current Address________________________________
*City______________________ State______ Zip______
*Telephone__________________ Cellular_____________
*E-mail_________________________________________
*Position for which you are applying
_______________________________________________
*Regular Full-time_____ Part-time_____ Temp_________
Education
High School diploma ______
College degree___________
Post-college______________
Work Experience
Please list all prior jobs held:
*Aptitude
It is essential to the selection process that you answer the following questions honestly.
1. I believe government is the problem, not the solution. Yes____ No____
2. I live by the rule: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes_____ No____
3. I believe that by nature, most people are devious and untrustworthy. Yes____ No___
4. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century. Yes____ No____
5. I’m a “half-empty” kind of person. Yes_____ No_____
6. Logic and reason are clever propaganda tools of the elite. Yes____ No____
7. The earth is only about 10,000 years old. Yes____ No____
8. The United Nations is Satan’s beachhead in America. Yes____ No____
9. I have seen “The Passion of the Christ” _____ times.
10. I watch FOX News regularly and lust after Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity (circle appropriate gender). Yes_____ No_____
11. I would be willing to hurl my body in front of the President and serve as a human shield should there ever be an assassination attempt. Yes____ No____
Thank you for your interest in working at the White House. You will be contacted if we feel your qualifications match an existing opening.
Signature________________________ Date_____________________
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 05443
* Required Fields
*Name________________________________________
*Current Address________________________________
*City______________________ State______ Zip______
*Telephone__________________ Cellular_____________
*E-mail_________________________________________
*Position for which you are applying
_______________________________________________
*Regular Full-time_____ Part-time_____ Temp_________
Education
High School diploma ______
College degree___________
Post-college______________
Work Experience
Please list all prior jobs held:
*Aptitude
It is essential to the selection process that you answer the following questions honestly.
1. I believe government is the problem, not the solution. Yes____ No____
2. I live by the rule: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes_____ No____
3. I believe that by nature, most people are devious and untrustworthy. Yes____ No___
4. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century. Yes____ No____
5. I’m a “half-empty” kind of person. Yes_____ No_____
6. Logic and reason are clever propaganda tools of the elite. Yes____ No____
7. The earth is only about 10,000 years old. Yes____ No____
8. The United Nations is Satan’s beachhead in America. Yes____ No____
9. I have seen “The Passion of the Christ” _____ times.
10. I watch FOX News regularly and lust after Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity (circle appropriate gender). Yes_____ No_____
11. I would be willing to hurl my body in front of the President and serve as a human shield should there ever be an assassination attempt. Yes____ No____
Thank you for your interest in working at the White House. You will be contacted if we feel your qualifications match an existing opening.
Signature________________________ Date_____________________
Friday, March 11, 2005
Free Speech: In The Lie Of The Beholder
Emmy-award winning writer/producer Bill Cummings was secretly tapped during a meeting between himself and two FOX network executives during a script review for an episode of his hit TV courtroom drama, “New World Justice.”
(Rustling in background as meeting starts)
Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?
Bill
Great. Busy, as always.
Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.
Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….
Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.
Bill
Okay.
Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.
Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.
Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.
Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.
Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.
Bill
Okay. What’s next?
Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.
Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?
Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.
Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—
Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?
Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.
Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.
Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.
Bill
You know she’s capable of it.
Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.
Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.
Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—
Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?
Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—
Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”
Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.
Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.
Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?
Exec. 1
Amen to that.
(Rustling in background as meeting starts)
Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?
Bill
Great. Busy, as always.
Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.
Bill
Nice to meet you. I think….
Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.
Bill
Okay.
Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.
Bill
The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.
Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.
Bill
Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.
Exec.1
It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.
Bill
Okay. What’s next?
Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.
Bill
Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?
Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.
Bill
Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—
Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?
Bill
You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.
Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.
Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.
Bill
You know she’s capable of it.
Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.
Bill
This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.
Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—
Bill
You like that? Lewinsky?
Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—
Bill
Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”
Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.
Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.
Bill
Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?
Exec. 1
Amen to that.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Ex-President Bush Suffers Case of Delirium
WASHINGTON – Attributed to the sweltering heat and humidity in Sri Lanka where he is overseeing tsunami relief efforts, former President George H.W. Bush made a series of startling confessions to a group of international reporters yesterday.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.
Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''
The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.
Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Are You Paying Too Much For Torture?
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Repost: Bush Goes to Hell
A short play
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Friday, February 25, 2005
George W. Bush: President and American Hero
Inspiring stories for children about our 43rd President.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I’ve Been a Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Would You Like Fries With That Ambassadorship?
The following exchange of e-mails was obtained exclusively by That’s Going Too Far! The back and forth is between Texas multi-millionaire and Republican party fund raiser Jerry “Bronco” Walker and William Reedy, a top aide to a Midwest Republican Senator.
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Medical Alert: Get Your E-Count Checked Today
The setting is a doctor’s office. A middle aged man sits in a chair waiting. After a few beats, the doctor enters, looking through some paperwork.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Government Isn't So Mysterious After All
The following transcript was smuggled out of the White House by a source I can only identify as Deep Do Do. It was secretly taped during final discussions over the $2.57 trillion budget before it was released to Congress. Participants included President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Treasury Secretary John Snow and Joshua Bolten, head of the president's budget office.
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Friday, February 04, 2005
He’s making a list, checking it twice….
President Bush spoke at a gathering in Fargo, North Dakota yesterday to drum up support for his Social Security initiative. Security officials at the event were given a list of dozens of people who were not to be allowed in to hear the President’s speech, primarily due to their opposition of Bush's Iraq policies. Un-American? Yes. Typical of this administration? Absolutely. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the list used to weed out dissenting voices from the American conversation on Social Security.
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Will Write for $$$
February 2, 2005
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Monday, January 31, 2005
Election Day in Iraq: One Voter's Story
BAGHDAD – It is election day in Iraq. The mood is tense. Ground-shaking blasts can be felt and heard in nearby neighborhoods. Sporadic gunfire echoes through the alley’s of this ancient city. Today, I will be shadowing my trusted translator, Fadel Zeki, on a daring journey through the streets of Baghdad to his polling place where he will cast the first vote of his life. Despite the crying and pleading that we stay barricaded in his small apartment, I can sense that Fadel is genuinely excited to participate in this historic event in his county’s history.
After Fadel finished writing out a crude will, we strapped on our bullet-proof vests, stuffed as many revolvers as we could into our pockets, and began our journey to democracy. I pried Fadel’s hands off of the door frame and we exited into the dusty, noisy streets of Baghdad.
The polling place was roughly ten blocks from Fadel’s apartment. The air was pungent with the smells of burning rubber, gunpowder and unwashed humans. Wary eyes followed as we walked briskly past the shops and homes of this poor Baghdad neighborhood. It didn’t take long before we were challenged by three young men carrying AK-47s.
They asked if we were going to vote. A puddle darkened the sand around Fadel's feet, but the men did not seem to notice. Fadel told them that we were only going to the market to steal fruit and bread for his family. After some debate among the gunmen, which included one of the men dragging a thumb across his throat, they let us pass.
Fadel was so traumatized by the incident he lost his sense of direction and headed back toward his apartment. I insisted we turn around. He insisted I spend eternity in hell having jackals feed off of my genitals. But with much patience, and a fifty dollar bill, I persuaded Fadel to turn back toward our original destination.
Only two blocks from the polling place, we were again stopped by armed Iraqi citizens. This time, they were as interested in me as much as they were our purpose for being on the street. Fadel told them I was his second cousin on his mother’s side, from France. I thought this was quite clever on Fadel’s part until one of the men addressed me directly in French. My clothes became instantly sweat soaked, and all I could think to do was indicate in sign language that my tongue had been cut out. Oddly enough, such is the climate in Baghdad these days that they bought my story with little discussion, and we were allowed to pass on.
We finally reached the polling station, which was heavily guarded by American military personnel. Fadel entered after showing his papers, but when I produced my journalists credentials I was told to sit on a nearby bench where Iraqi’s who were voting had tied up their dogs, goats and various other animals. I spent the next half-hour fending off the amorous intentions of a three-legged mongrel, when Fadel finally returned from voting.
Excitedly, I asked him how it went and for whom he’d voted. He shrugged his shoulders and said he had no idea. He just picked “anonymous” or “other” in every category. But, he said, they gave out candy when he was done. I knew at that point that true democracy could be decades, perhaps centuries, away. It made one wonder about the whole business of invading a country that did not ask to be invaded. But now, after all was said and done, we had to consider far more immediate concerns, such as how to get back to Fadel’s apartment alive.
After Fadel finished writing out a crude will, we strapped on our bullet-proof vests, stuffed as many revolvers as we could into our pockets, and began our journey to democracy. I pried Fadel’s hands off of the door frame and we exited into the dusty, noisy streets of Baghdad.
The polling place was roughly ten blocks from Fadel’s apartment. The air was pungent with the smells of burning rubber, gunpowder and unwashed humans. Wary eyes followed as we walked briskly past the shops and homes of this poor Baghdad neighborhood. It didn’t take long before we were challenged by three young men carrying AK-47s.
They asked if we were going to vote. A puddle darkened the sand around Fadel's feet, but the men did not seem to notice. Fadel told them that we were only going to the market to steal fruit and bread for his family. After some debate among the gunmen, which included one of the men dragging a thumb across his throat, they let us pass.
Fadel was so traumatized by the incident he lost his sense of direction and headed back toward his apartment. I insisted we turn around. He insisted I spend eternity in hell having jackals feed off of my genitals. But with much patience, and a fifty dollar bill, I persuaded Fadel to turn back toward our original destination.
Only two blocks from the polling place, we were again stopped by armed Iraqi citizens. This time, they were as interested in me as much as they were our purpose for being on the street. Fadel told them I was his second cousin on his mother’s side, from France. I thought this was quite clever on Fadel’s part until one of the men addressed me directly in French. My clothes became instantly sweat soaked, and all I could think to do was indicate in sign language that my tongue had been cut out. Oddly enough, such is the climate in Baghdad these days that they bought my story with little discussion, and we were allowed to pass on.
We finally reached the polling station, which was heavily guarded by American military personnel. Fadel entered after showing his papers, but when I produced my journalists credentials I was told to sit on a nearby bench where Iraqi’s who were voting had tied up their dogs, goats and various other animals. I spent the next half-hour fending off the amorous intentions of a three-legged mongrel, when Fadel finally returned from voting.
Excitedly, I asked him how it went and for whom he’d voted. He shrugged his shoulders and said he had no idea. He just picked “anonymous” or “other” in every category. But, he said, they gave out candy when he was done. I knew at that point that true democracy could be decades, perhaps centuries, away. It made one wonder about the whole business of invading a country that did not ask to be invaded. But now, after all was said and done, we had to consider far more immediate concerns, such as how to get back to Fadel’s apartment alive.
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