CINCINNATI, OHIO--In a sharply worded speech given to the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce today, President Bush lashed out at the majority of Americans who do not support him as “…cowards bordering on traitors.”
Displaying a seldom seen emotional side, Bush took off a shoe and pounded it on the podium to emphasize his points. “There will be no retreat. There will be no surrender. We’ll stay in Iraq for 100 years if necessary.”
The audience was visibly stunned by the President’s uncharacteristic tirade. At one point, Bush hurled a glass of water at an aide who was trying to signal him. The President reportedly yelled, “Shut up, b***h,” as he flung the object.
Amid numerous expletives, Bush characterized those who disagreed with him as, “…worshippers of Satan and eaters of dog [feces]. They are lower than snakes and deserve to have their heads cut off.”
The President’s emotional outburst comes at a time when he is suffering very low approval ratings. He alluded to this in his speech, saying recent polls were “…rigged affairs conducted by Al Quida sympathizers and agents of Hugo Chavez. I’ll show you a poll…”
The speech ended only when a secret service agent shot the President with a tranquilizer gun. Despite this, Bush remained aggressive, and aides had to throw a rope net over the President and drag him from the stage. A spokesperson for the White House dismissed any concerns and said this was standard procedure under the circumstances.
Later in the day, when asked about the incident, Vice President Cheney said the Bush’s behavior was nothing more than one cup of coffee too many. “Sure, the delivery was a little off key, but the points the President made were entirely accurate.”
The President is scheduled to give a speech on domestic policy at Lincoln Elementary School in Cleveland tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Vote for Pedro
I’m sure this won’t surprise you, but my cat is smarter than George Bush.
At the same time the administration is reconfirming its support for a preemptive war strategy, the NRA is championing its national version of the same plan, which they call, “stand your ground,” but which is referred to by everyone else as the “license to murder” legislation.
The philosophy of the two approaches is almost identical. I have the right to attack (or shoot) you if I perceive you are a threat to me. The key word, of course, is “perceive.” If I make a mistake? Well, who doesn’t make a mistake now and then.
We perceived Saddam Hussein to be a threat to our country. Ooops. Turns out we were wrong. Sorry about that, Iraq, but you shouldn’t have let us believe you were dangerous.
I see a man skulking around my house in the middle of the night. I perceive a threat and open fire because I’m scared. Ooops. Turns out it was my neighbor looking for his dog. I’ll send an extra large wreath to the funeral home.
The absolute wrongness of both initiatives is obvious even to my cat, Pedro. When cats, or most animals of similar size for that matter, sense they are in a dangerous situation, they go out of their way to display body language warning the perceived aggressor to back off. More often than not, these stand-offs end with one animal conceding to another. Violence is almost always a last resort. And even then, when dominance is established, the fight is often over before any blood is shed.
Yet we humans want to subvert the established order and make lethal behavior the rule instead of the exception. It’s not even kill or be killed. It’s kill or be scared.
That a twenty-first century, first-world society is even debating these obscene ideas demonstrates how far to the dark side we have been led.
There was a time not so long ago when people with a “shoot first” mentality were diagnosed as having an antisocial disorder and sent to Montana. Now, they sit in the seats of power in Washington, D.C. and make law. They are given guns to hunt quail. They are taken seriously.
They should take lessons from Pedro.
At the same time the administration is reconfirming its support for a preemptive war strategy, the NRA is championing its national version of the same plan, which they call, “stand your ground,” but which is referred to by everyone else as the “license to murder” legislation.
The philosophy of the two approaches is almost identical. I have the right to attack (or shoot) you if I perceive you are a threat to me. The key word, of course, is “perceive.” If I make a mistake? Well, who doesn’t make a mistake now and then.
We perceived Saddam Hussein to be a threat to our country. Ooops. Turns out we were wrong. Sorry about that, Iraq, but you shouldn’t have let us believe you were dangerous.
I see a man skulking around my house in the middle of the night. I perceive a threat and open fire because I’m scared. Ooops. Turns out it was my neighbor looking for his dog. I’ll send an extra large wreath to the funeral home.
The absolute wrongness of both initiatives is obvious even to my cat, Pedro. When cats, or most animals of similar size for that matter, sense they are in a dangerous situation, they go out of their way to display body language warning the perceived aggressor to back off. More often than not, these stand-offs end with one animal conceding to another. Violence is almost always a last resort. And even then, when dominance is established, the fight is often over before any blood is shed.
Yet we humans want to subvert the established order and make lethal behavior the rule instead of the exception. It’s not even kill or be killed. It’s kill or be scared.
That a twenty-first century, first-world society is even debating these obscene ideas demonstrates how far to the dark side we have been led.
There was a time not so long ago when people with a “shoot first” mentality were diagnosed as having an antisocial disorder and sent to Montana. Now, they sit in the seats of power in Washington, D.C. and make law. They are given guns to hunt quail. They are taken seriously.
They should take lessons from Pedro.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
State Government: The Newest Battleground
At the same time the American people are starting to awaken from their 9/11 slumber to the shocking reality that our emperor is buck naked, state legislators around the country seem to be just now falling under the spell of Bushputin.
In Missouri, the house voted to delete funding for contraception and infertility treatments. Rep. Susan Phillips said in an interview, “If you hand out contraception to single women, we're saying promiscuity is OK as a state, and I am not in support of that."
NRA backed “license to murder” legislation has been passed in Colorado and Florida, and is being considered in 11 other states. The legislation allows anyone who “feels threatened” to shoot first and worry about the legitimacy of the threat later.
Numerous state legislatures are considering laws that would allow pharmacists to follow their conscience on whether or not to fill prescriptions for contraceptives or morning after pills.
South Dakota recently passed legislation that bans virtually all abortions, even in the case of rape or incest. Other states are considering similar measures.
Many states are exerting tremendous energy to pass legislation banning same-sex marriages.
What gives? Are black helicopters spraying state capitals with secret chemical brain-numbing agents? Or could it be that Christian evangelicals, seeing their hopes for an American theocracy go up in smoke like so much dry Texas brush at the federal level, are now refocusing their efforts on state legislatures around the country?
For years now, evangelicals have been sowing the seeds of radicalism at the local level, getting sympathizers elected to school boards, city councils and seats in state government. It appears their work is now bearing its poisonous fruit, as states work to impose the far right agenda on their citizens.
All of this is happening despite that fact that poll after poll indicates the majority of American people oppose just such government interference in their personal lives. Representative democracy is far from perfect.
This November’s election should tell us a lot about how successful the right’s efforts will be in subverting the Constitution at the state level. While our focus has been riveted on Washing D.C. in recent years, fundamentalists have been growing like Kudzu through our local institutions. Come this fall, it’s time to fire up the weed whacker.
In Missouri, the house voted to delete funding for contraception and infertility treatments. Rep. Susan Phillips said in an interview, “If you hand out contraception to single women, we're saying promiscuity is OK as a state, and I am not in support of that."
NRA backed “license to murder” legislation has been passed in Colorado and Florida, and is being considered in 11 other states. The legislation allows anyone who “feels threatened” to shoot first and worry about the legitimacy of the threat later.
Numerous state legislatures are considering laws that would allow pharmacists to follow their conscience on whether or not to fill prescriptions for contraceptives or morning after pills.
South Dakota recently passed legislation that bans virtually all abortions, even in the case of rape or incest. Other states are considering similar measures.
Many states are exerting tremendous energy to pass legislation banning same-sex marriages.
What gives? Are black helicopters spraying state capitals with secret chemical brain-numbing agents? Or could it be that Christian evangelicals, seeing their hopes for an American theocracy go up in smoke like so much dry Texas brush at the federal level, are now refocusing their efforts on state legislatures around the country?
For years now, evangelicals have been sowing the seeds of radicalism at the local level, getting sympathizers elected to school boards, city councils and seats in state government. It appears their work is now bearing its poisonous fruit, as states work to impose the far right agenda on their citizens.
All of this is happening despite that fact that poll after poll indicates the majority of American people oppose just such government interference in their personal lives. Representative democracy is far from perfect.
This November’s election should tell us a lot about how successful the right’s efforts will be in subverting the Constitution at the state level. While our focus has been riveted on Washing D.C. in recent years, fundamentalists have been growing like Kudzu through our local institutions. Come this fall, it’s time to fire up the weed whacker.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'm Right Behind you, Russ.
Top ten excuses why Democrats won’t support Senator Feingold’s attempt to censure Bush.
10. “Love to chat Russ, but I gotta catch the redeye to Portland…”
9. “Now if we were talking about a semi-censure, I’d be on board in a heartbeat.”
8. “Sure the President is hated by 2/3 of the American people. But what about that other third?”
7. “What makes you think this President is vulnerable?”
6. “Look Russ, when his ratings fall below 30, we’ll go for the jugular.”
5. “Do you want to see Cheney in the Oval Office?”
4. “We’re already perceived as the whiny party.”
3. “What planet are you from? When we go on the attack, it really pisses them off.”
2. “Russ, your political ambitions shouldn’t take center stage.”
1. “I’m scared, okay? Just plain scared.”
10. “Love to chat Russ, but I gotta catch the redeye to Portland…”
9. “Now if we were talking about a semi-censure, I’d be on board in a heartbeat.”
8. “Sure the President is hated by 2/3 of the American people. But what about that other third?”
7. “What makes you think this President is vulnerable?”
6. “Look Russ, when his ratings fall below 30, we’ll go for the jugular.”
5. “Do you want to see Cheney in the Oval Office?”
4. “We’re already perceived as the whiny party.”
3. “What planet are you from? When we go on the attack, it really pisses them off.”
2. “Russ, your political ambitions shouldn’t take center stage.”
1. “I’m scared, okay? Just plain scared.”
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Miracle Worker
Pope John Paul II, who died last April at the age of 84, may be moving one step closer to sainthood. Needing two miracles from beyond the grave to reach full sainthood, John Paul is being credited by some with curing a French nun of Parkinson's disease.
Nuns in the woman's order who prayed for John Paul's intercession reported her recovery from the disease exactly two months after the pontiff's death.
Msgr. Slawomir Oder, a Pole who is leading the case for John Paul's sainthood, is starting an investigation into the incident.
After testimony is gathered, a team of experts appointed by the Vatican's Congregation for the Causes of Saints would determine whether a miracle happened. Proof of one miracle is needed for beatification, and two for canonization. Both miracles must have occurred after the candidate's death.
Catholics from around the world have been sending the Vatican descriptions of miracles since John Paul’s death. Other unexplainable incidents under consideration by the Congregation include:
- A Mexico City taxi driver who ordered two chicken burritos in Polish, a language he never spoke before that moment.
- An elderly French woman whose sight was restored after eating a Polish sausage.
- A Chilean auto mechanic who saw the image of John Paul in a pool of motor oil.
- A Trenton, New Jersey woman who claims John Paul regularly speaks to her through Baxter, her Miniature Schnauzer.
- A Dublin dentist whose stuttering was cured after being hit by a Vespa driven by J.P. Pope.
- A boy in Milan who claims the former pope stole his homework.
John Paul must first be beatified before the move to canonization, the formal term for full sainthood, can proceed.
Nuns in the woman's order who prayed for John Paul's intercession reported her recovery from the disease exactly two months after the pontiff's death.
Msgr. Slawomir Oder, a Pole who is leading the case for John Paul's sainthood, is starting an investigation into the incident.
After testimony is gathered, a team of experts appointed by the Vatican's Congregation for the Causes of Saints would determine whether a miracle happened. Proof of one miracle is needed for beatification, and two for canonization. Both miracles must have occurred after the candidate's death.
Catholics from around the world have been sending the Vatican descriptions of miracles since John Paul’s death. Other unexplainable incidents under consideration by the Congregation include:
- A Mexico City taxi driver who ordered two chicken burritos in Polish, a language he never spoke before that moment.
- An elderly French woman whose sight was restored after eating a Polish sausage.
- A Chilean auto mechanic who saw the image of John Paul in a pool of motor oil.
- A Trenton, New Jersey woman who claims John Paul regularly speaks to her through Baxter, her Miniature Schnauzer.
- A Dublin dentist whose stuttering was cured after being hit by a Vespa driven by J.P. Pope.
- A boy in Milan who claims the former pope stole his homework.
John Paul must first be beatified before the move to canonization, the formal term for full sainthood, can proceed.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
ABCs of the Bush Administration
A is for:
Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate
B is for:
Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, blind ambition
C is for:
Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawk, chemical weapons, Coulter, cocaine
D is for:
Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny
E is for:
Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic
F is for:
Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth
G is for:
Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander
H is for:
Hate, hubris, hostile, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting
I is for:
Iraq, inept, illegal, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Israel, incomprehensible
J is for:
Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus
K is for:
Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds
L is for:
Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist
M is for:
Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat
N is for:
Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind
O is for:
Oblivious, oil, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio
P is for:
Plame, patriarchy, planes, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, paraplegic
Q is for:
Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail
R is for:
Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, R.I.P., revenge
S is for:
Soulless, simpleton, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, shambles, Skull and Crossbones
T is for:
Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorist, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas
U is for:
Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine
V is for:
Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests
W is for:
War, waste, wounded, wiretap, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz
X is for:
Xenophobia
Y is for:
Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen
Z is for:
Zealot, zero, zilch
Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate
B is for:
Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, blind ambition
C is for:
Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawk, chemical weapons, Coulter, cocaine
D is for:
Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny
E is for:
Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic
F is for:
Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth
G is for:
Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander
H is for:
Hate, hubris, hostile, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting
I is for:
Iraq, inept, illegal, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Israel, incomprehensible
J is for:
Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus
K is for:
Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds
L is for:
Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist
M is for:
Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat
N is for:
Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind
O is for:
Oblivious, oil, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio
P is for:
Plame, patriarchy, planes, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, paraplegic
Q is for:
Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail
R is for:
Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, R.I.P., revenge
S is for:
Soulless, simpleton, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, shambles, Skull and Crossbones
T is for:
Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorist, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas
U is for:
Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine
V is for:
Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests
W is for:
War, waste, wounded, wiretap, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz
X is for:
Xenophobia
Y is for:
Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen
Z is for:
Zealot, zero, zilch
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I've been bugged
You remember this one from elementary school. “What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.”
“What’s worse than finding a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner? Finding pieces of a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner.”
Last night, as I do most evenings on being reminded that drinking on an empty stomach leads to a host of negative physical effects, I went to my freezer and pulled out a dinner cube. I don’t think it was actually called “Chicken ‘n Other Shit” but that’s what it was. So I nuked it, tore off the plastic covering and sat down in front of the TV (you can only eat these meals in front of a TV. It’s on the box).
About halfway through the shit—I ate the chicken first, of course—something unusually crunchy did come between my teeth. I poked around in my mouth until I found what I thought would be an overcooked bit of broccoli and pulled it out for a cursory examination. It first appeared as if it was a burnt piece of food, dark brown, about the size of a shirt-collar button. Bringing it into better focus, I realized that the broccoli piece had tiny legs sprouting from it. Then I saw the distinctive segmentation of a beetle’s wings and realized that this was not something found among the listed ingredients. I put it on my napkin and recovered the rest of that mouthful of food. As I discovered more parts of the insect appearing on my napkin, my gag reflex started to kick in.
I’m all for the little guy in most David and Goliath situations, but I’ve never been able to work up much of a lather for those looking to squeeze millions from a company by claiming to have found a fingernail or a finger in their meal. Half of these people are lying, and the other half seem to be far more interested in a large financial settlement than true justice. Having now been through the experience, however, I find it far more disturbing than I would have guessed.
Eating a bug is bad enough—although I’ve unintentionally inhaled my share of mosquitoes—but the breach of trust with those who produce and package my food is what really matters. Prior to this, I would never think of looking for an insect in my food before eating it. Now, I won’t be able to take a bite of anything without giving it a once-over. Paranoia, it’s what’s for dinner.
I would love to blame this on President Bush, and in some distant, six-degrees-of-separation kind of way he may in fact be the culprit. Every aspect of our lives, from security to individual rights to environmental safety to food quality, has gone downhill since he and his cronies walked into the White House in 2001. The trust we have had in so many routine aspects of our day-to-day lives has been broken repeatedly.
The failure of Marie Callender to safeguard the quality of her food is for me a symbol of a system in decline, a society whose pillars are crumbling. It’s too bad. She looks so sweet and motherly on the box, but my mother never served anything with bugs in it. I’m sorry, Marie, but the relationship is over.
I can’t trust you any longer.
“What’s worse than finding a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner? Finding pieces of a small brown beetle in your frozen dinner.”
Last night, as I do most evenings on being reminded that drinking on an empty stomach leads to a host of negative physical effects, I went to my freezer and pulled out a dinner cube. I don’t think it was actually called “Chicken ‘n Other Shit” but that’s what it was. So I nuked it, tore off the plastic covering and sat down in front of the TV (you can only eat these meals in front of a TV. It’s on the box).
About halfway through the shit—I ate the chicken first, of course—something unusually crunchy did come between my teeth. I poked around in my mouth until I found what I thought would be an overcooked bit of broccoli and pulled it out for a cursory examination. It first appeared as if it was a burnt piece of food, dark brown, about the size of a shirt-collar button. Bringing it into better focus, I realized that the broccoli piece had tiny legs sprouting from it. Then I saw the distinctive segmentation of a beetle’s wings and realized that this was not something found among the listed ingredients. I put it on my napkin and recovered the rest of that mouthful of food. As I discovered more parts of the insect appearing on my napkin, my gag reflex started to kick in.
I’m all for the little guy in most David and Goliath situations, but I’ve never been able to work up much of a lather for those looking to squeeze millions from a company by claiming to have found a fingernail or a finger in their meal. Half of these people are lying, and the other half seem to be far more interested in a large financial settlement than true justice. Having now been through the experience, however, I find it far more disturbing than I would have guessed.
Eating a bug is bad enough—although I’ve unintentionally inhaled my share of mosquitoes—but the breach of trust with those who produce and package my food is what really matters. Prior to this, I would never think of looking for an insect in my food before eating it. Now, I won’t be able to take a bite of anything without giving it a once-over. Paranoia, it’s what’s for dinner.
I would love to blame this on President Bush, and in some distant, six-degrees-of-separation kind of way he may in fact be the culprit. Every aspect of our lives, from security to individual rights to environmental safety to food quality, has gone downhill since he and his cronies walked into the White House in 2001. The trust we have had in so many routine aspects of our day-to-day lives has been broken repeatedly.
The failure of Marie Callender to safeguard the quality of her food is for me a symbol of a system in decline, a society whose pillars are crumbling. It’s too bad. She looks so sweet and motherly on the box, but my mother never served anything with bugs in it. I’m sorry, Marie, but the relationship is over.
I can’t trust you any longer.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Video at ten.
So now we have video of the President being warned about the dangers of Katrina well before she came ashore and demolished the Big Easy. Days later, Bush went on television and lied, as he has done so often before. “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.” Well, yes sir, they did, and they told you about that possibility. We also know that at the pre-Katrina meeting, you didn’t ask anybody how or why or what could be done. You didn’t ask any questions. You sat there like a bored teenager playing with his PSP under the desk. Or like an inept president reading My Pet Goat and being told America is under attack.
Of course, the press is not pressing the President on his latest lie. Surprise, surprise. If tomorrow a tape emerged showing Bush firing a bullet through the head of a GITMO prisoner, Elizabeth Vargas would still focus on the cleanliness of the President’s desk or wedding plans for the twins. There couldn’t be a President Bush without the media we have.
In an alternative reality, the Katrina warning video would be the Nixon tapes of this administration. It would reveal to even the most disinterested American the hopeless bunglers who hold a once respected nation by the testicles.
A fool sits on the throne of democracy. A bubble-wrapped, delusional fool who places superstition over science and greed over greatness. Bush and his handlers are the most serious threat to American democracy since the Civil War. They are evil and stupid, a potentially lethal combination in a world overflowing with weapons of mass destruction.
The President did not know what to do with the information he was given about Katrina. He did not know what to do on 9/11. He does not know how to get us out of Iraq. He does not know how to fix the budget. He does not know how to be president.
We watch America crumbling around us like a thousand Twin Towers while the media gazes in awe at the President’s desk.
Bush kills democracy. Video at ten.
Of course, the press is not pressing the President on his latest lie. Surprise, surprise. If tomorrow a tape emerged showing Bush firing a bullet through the head of a GITMO prisoner, Elizabeth Vargas would still focus on the cleanliness of the President’s desk or wedding plans for the twins. There couldn’t be a President Bush without the media we have.
In an alternative reality, the Katrina warning video would be the Nixon tapes of this administration. It would reveal to even the most disinterested American the hopeless bunglers who hold a once respected nation by the testicles.
A fool sits on the throne of democracy. A bubble-wrapped, delusional fool who places superstition over science and greed over greatness. Bush and his handlers are the most serious threat to American democracy since the Civil War. They are evil and stupid, a potentially lethal combination in a world overflowing with weapons of mass destruction.
The President did not know what to do with the information he was given about Katrina. He did not know what to do on 9/11. He does not know how to get us out of Iraq. He does not know how to fix the budget. He does not know how to be president.
We watch America crumbling around us like a thousand Twin Towers while the media gazes in awe at the President’s desk.
Bush kills democracy. Video at ten.
Monday, February 27, 2006
It's a hate/hate relationship
WASHINGTON D.C. -- A new CBS News poll puts President Bush’s favorable rating at 34%, the lowest it has been during his presidency. In a controversial decision, CBS chose not to mention the poll results on its nightly news program. A spokesperson for the network said that this negative news for the President, coming within eight months of a national election, could be considered, “a partisan attack on Bush’s administration,” and unfairly bias voters.
Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.
In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:
A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Leprosy
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles
Dying
Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”
Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.
In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:
A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Leprosy
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles
Dying
Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”
Thursday, February 23, 2006
George Bush, Starring as...
...Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek.
The bridge of the Starship Enterprise.
SPOCK
Captain, we are entering the Mecca star system.
KIRK
Speak English, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK
The Mecca star system consists of three major planets, Orbus, Mobus and Imbus. We were sent here to investigate allegations that the Klingons have built a major military outpost on Orbus.
KIRK
Excellent. We’ll attack Mobus at 0400.
SPOCK
But, Captain…
KIRK
Dammit all, Spock. Who’s running this ship?
SPOCK
I am, Sir. And the Klingon base is on Orbus. Why would we attack Mobus?
KIRK
Spock, many years ago, my father came to this system to do exactly what we are doing; hunt down Klingons. He was attacked by a fleet of Klingon scum and his ship suffered major damage and he was drawn into Mobus’ gravitational pull. He and his crew perished on the planet’s surface. Ergo, it must be destroyed.
SPOCK
Captain, if I might just--
KIRK
You may not. Mr. Sulu, steer us to sector Gamma.
SULU
Captain, that will take us away from our intended target.
KIRK
Of course it will. As Captain of the ship, I must direct this military campaign from a safe distance. Besides, Mr. Spock, I know
there are Klingons on Mobus.
SPOCK
Mobus has a surface temperature of 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing can live on that planet.
KIRK
That’s what the scientists will tell you, but they’re wrong. My gut tells me Klingons cover the planet’s surface like a fungus, building their damnable weapons of mass destruction.
SPOCK
Your thought process is highly illogical, Captain.
KIRK
Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Warp five, Mr. Sulu….
The bridge of the Starship Enterprise.
SPOCK
Captain, we are entering the Mecca star system.
KIRK
Speak English, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK
The Mecca star system consists of three major planets, Orbus, Mobus and Imbus. We were sent here to investigate allegations that the Klingons have built a major military outpost on Orbus.
KIRK
Excellent. We’ll attack Mobus at 0400.
SPOCK
But, Captain…
KIRK
Dammit all, Spock. Who’s running this ship?
SPOCK
I am, Sir. And the Klingon base is on Orbus. Why would we attack Mobus?
KIRK
Spock, many years ago, my father came to this system to do exactly what we are doing; hunt down Klingons. He was attacked by a fleet of Klingon scum and his ship suffered major damage and he was drawn into Mobus’ gravitational pull. He and his crew perished on the planet’s surface. Ergo, it must be destroyed.
SPOCK
Captain, if I might just--
KIRK
You may not. Mr. Sulu, steer us to sector Gamma.
SULU
Captain, that will take us away from our intended target.
KIRK
Of course it will. As Captain of the ship, I must direct this military campaign from a safe distance. Besides, Mr. Spock, I know
there are Klingons on Mobus.
SPOCK
Mobus has a surface temperature of 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing can live on that planet.
KIRK
That’s what the scientists will tell you, but they’re wrong. My gut tells me Klingons cover the planet’s surface like a fungus, building their damnable weapons of mass destruction.
SPOCK
Your thought process is highly illogical, Captain.
KIRK
Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Warp five, Mr. Sulu….
Thursday, February 16, 2006
The First Cut is the Deepest
Less than a week after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington while quail hunting in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney stabbed his wife Lynne in what the White House is calling “a kitchen accident.”
The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.
Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.
An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.
Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.
The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.
Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.
An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.
Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Camp Nevada
The transcript from today’s White House press briefing.
SPEAKER: SCOTT MCCLELLAN, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone.
I don’t have a prepared statement for today so we can go ahead with questions. Yes.
QUESTION: Scottie, we have been hearing reports today about the construction of three large government facilities of some sort in remote parts of Nevada. A Halliburton construction worker at one of the sites said they resemble concentration camps. Are they?
MCCLELLAN: No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. These facilities are government storage facilities. Nothing more.
QUESTION: Follow-up. They are described as being surrounded by fences with razor wire and as having guard towers.
MCCLELLAN: Those are ordinary security measures for these types of facilities. In the back.
QUESTION: What will be stored at these places?
MCCLELLAN: Whatever needs to be stored at these types of facilities.
QUESTION: Are they related in any way to the war on terror?
MCCLELLAN: Yes. The fact that we are discussing them already puts their usefulness in jeopardy, but they are intended to be important instillations related to the war on terror.
QUESTION: When you say ‘storage,’ do you mean equipment, supplies, etc.?
MCCLELLAN: That is correct.
QUESTION: What about people? Would they ever be used to house people?
MCCLELLAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war with fiends whose only goal is to destroy us and our way of life. They do not hesitate to kidnap and torture westerners when they have a chance. They want to crush us. It’s that simple. We need to have weapons that are potent enough to meet this threat and overcome it. With that in mind, these facilities being built in Nevada will, in very rare cases, be used to house known terrorists and sympathizers. But—
QUESTION: Scottie, what do you mean by ‘sympathizers?’
MCCLELLAN: Obviously, those people who would lend aid and comfort to the enemy through their words and deeds.
QUESTION: Words? Can you be more specific?
MCCLELLAN: The enemies of freedom and democracy take many forms. They do not all wear turbans and live in the Middle East. Here in our own country we have people who work tirelessly day and night to undermine our fight against terrorism.
QUESTION: Do you mean administration critics?
MCCLELLAN: Actually, I was pointing to the person behind you.
QUESTION: Congress has approved the construction of these facilities and sees them as a necessary effort in our continuing struggle against the forces of evil. What do you think are the motives of those who criticize this much needed project.
MCCLELLAN: This type of criticism is generally from people who are ill-informed or have a partisan ax to grind. In America, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but in the state of war in which we find ourselves, critics can unwittingly lend comfort to our enemies. We need to monitor that very closely if we are to prevail.
QUESTION: Switching gears, Scottie, the President is at his Texas ranch today. Will he be clearing brush?
SPEAKER: SCOTT MCCLELLAN, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone.
I don’t have a prepared statement for today so we can go ahead with questions. Yes.
QUESTION: Scottie, we have been hearing reports today about the construction of three large government facilities of some sort in remote parts of Nevada. A Halliburton construction worker at one of the sites said they resemble concentration camps. Are they?
MCCLELLAN: No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. These facilities are government storage facilities. Nothing more.
QUESTION: Follow-up. They are described as being surrounded by fences with razor wire and as having guard towers.
MCCLELLAN: Those are ordinary security measures for these types of facilities. In the back.
QUESTION: What will be stored at these places?
MCCLELLAN: Whatever needs to be stored at these types of facilities.
QUESTION: Are they related in any way to the war on terror?
MCCLELLAN: Yes. The fact that we are discussing them already puts their usefulness in jeopardy, but they are intended to be important instillations related to the war on terror.
QUESTION: When you say ‘storage,’ do you mean equipment, supplies, etc.?
MCCLELLAN: That is correct.
QUESTION: What about people? Would they ever be used to house people?
MCCLELLAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war with fiends whose only goal is to destroy us and our way of life. They do not hesitate to kidnap and torture westerners when they have a chance. They want to crush us. It’s that simple. We need to have weapons that are potent enough to meet this threat and overcome it. With that in mind, these facilities being built in Nevada will, in very rare cases, be used to house known terrorists and sympathizers. But—
QUESTION: Scottie, what do you mean by ‘sympathizers?’
MCCLELLAN: Obviously, those people who would lend aid and comfort to the enemy through their words and deeds.
QUESTION: Words? Can you be more specific?
MCCLELLAN: The enemies of freedom and democracy take many forms. They do not all wear turbans and live in the Middle East. Here in our own country we have people who work tirelessly day and night to undermine our fight against terrorism.
QUESTION: Do you mean administration critics?
MCCLELLAN: Actually, I was pointing to the person behind you.
QUESTION: Congress has approved the construction of these facilities and sees them as a necessary effort in our continuing struggle against the forces of evil. What do you think are the motives of those who criticize this much needed project.
MCCLELLAN: This type of criticism is generally from people who are ill-informed or have a partisan ax to grind. In America, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but in the state of war in which we find ourselves, critics can unwittingly lend comfort to our enemies. We need to monitor that very closely if we are to prevail.
QUESTION: Switching gears, Scottie, the President is at his Texas ranch today. Will he be clearing brush?
Friday, February 03, 2006
Conspiracy Theory or Conspiracy?
I find it interesting that the mainstream news media treat conspiracy theorists as lepers and lunatics, yet the entertainment side of the same networks will spend many millions of dollars creating specials that purport to seriously investigate UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle and all manner of unsubstantiated plots and schemes. It ain’t news, but it sure is profitable.
One reason that I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories is that a portion of them turn out to be true. There was a conspiracy by the government to underreport deaths during the Vietnam war. There was a conspiracy to cover up the Watergate break-in. Project Blue Book was actually a public relations attempt to end the UFO debate among Americans. Is the government hiding alien bodies in a subterranean freezer? Probably not. But, I won’t rule it out completely.
A number of conspiracy theories have surfaced on the internet since 9/11 relating to our government’s involvement in that atrocity. They have, of course, been summarily dismissed by the MSM. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. One theory that I have heard before is that the World Trade Center towers could not have fallen the way they did as the result of an airliner’s impact. The implication being that there were explosives used to actually bring down the buildings. I have regarded this the same way I’m sure many others have. It’s interesting as theory, but far too horrendous and “out there” to be taken seriously.
That was until I was directed to www.st911.org. Here, a group calling itself Scholars for 9/11 Truth, presents a scientific evaluation of exactly how the towers fell. They come to the startling conclusion that it could not have happened the way the government says it did. The towers could only have fallen the way they did as the result of a carefully orchestrated serious of explosions, the type of explosions typically used to demolish large buildings.
It is very hard to get one’s head around this possibility. Someone, or some group of people, set explosive charges in the Twin Towers prior to 9/11, and then detonated those explosives when the planes hit the towers. Was this whole tragedy a precisely planned event by our own government? The evidence provided by the Scholars for 9/11 Truth is very compelling, and very frightening. I urge you to read their findings and decide for yourself. Is it another lunatic conspiracy theory or a rational, scientific examination of the facts? If it’s the former, we can file it between Amelia Earhart and Yeti in the X-Files and forget about it. If it is the latter, the future of our democracy is in far greater danger than we ever imagined.
One reason that I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories is that a portion of them turn out to be true. There was a conspiracy by the government to underreport deaths during the Vietnam war. There was a conspiracy to cover up the Watergate break-in. Project Blue Book was actually a public relations attempt to end the UFO debate among Americans. Is the government hiding alien bodies in a subterranean freezer? Probably not. But, I won’t rule it out completely.
A number of conspiracy theories have surfaced on the internet since 9/11 relating to our government’s involvement in that atrocity. They have, of course, been summarily dismissed by the MSM. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. One theory that I have heard before is that the World Trade Center towers could not have fallen the way they did as the result of an airliner’s impact. The implication being that there were explosives used to actually bring down the buildings. I have regarded this the same way I’m sure many others have. It’s interesting as theory, but far too horrendous and “out there” to be taken seriously.
That was until I was directed to www.st911.org. Here, a group calling itself Scholars for 9/11 Truth, presents a scientific evaluation of exactly how the towers fell. They come to the startling conclusion that it could not have happened the way the government says it did. The towers could only have fallen the way they did as the result of a carefully orchestrated serious of explosions, the type of explosions typically used to demolish large buildings.
It is very hard to get one’s head around this possibility. Someone, or some group of people, set explosive charges in the Twin Towers prior to 9/11, and then detonated those explosives when the planes hit the towers. Was this whole tragedy a precisely planned event by our own government? The evidence provided by the Scholars for 9/11 Truth is very compelling, and very frightening. I urge you to read their findings and decide for yourself. Is it another lunatic conspiracy theory or a rational, scientific examination of the facts? If it’s the former, we can file it between Amelia Earhart and Yeti in the X-Files and forget about it. If it is the latter, the future of our democracy is in far greater danger than we ever imagined.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
A Dick Joke
After five years of toil as second banana, Dick Cheney was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed Cheney:
"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to become President," said the devil, "So I've come here with an offer. I'll make you President, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."
Cheney looked puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"
"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to become President," said the devil, "So I've come here with an offer. I'll make you President, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."
Cheney looked puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Bush Goes to Hell, Part Deux
When we last left the soul of the late George Bush, a mysterious phone call helped secure his release from Satan’s claws and an eternity of suffering in Hell (2/26/05). However, before you could say, “Fool me once and…uh, but fool me twice, but…can’t fool…uh…,” George is back in the presence of the Prince of Darkness.
SATAN
Well, by my cloven hooves. George Bush.
BUSH
(Standing, brushing himself off) Beezlebarb.
SATAN
That’s Beelzebub. But who cares? You’re back. Food not to your liking?
BUSH
Very funny.
SATAN
Come on, George.
BUSH
You have to do this idiotic “Life Review” before you get an entrance pass. So, okay, things are dicey from the beginning, with the booze and privileged life and yada, yada, yada. I was still thinking I had a chance, though, as we got up to the last few years of my life. But after becoming President, it started going downhill faster than a California mudslide.
SATAN
Fascinating. Go on.
BUSH
Oh, you know. The war, the economy, secret wire taps, the lying…the typical liberal smears. But the camel that broke the straws back were the photos of me and Abramoff in a hot tub….
SATAN
That’s it?
BUSH
…buck naked…
SATAN
Mmmm.
BUSH
…with Gina and Dixie…
SATAN
Oh my.
BUSH
…and two empty bottles of Jack Daniels….
SATAN
Ouch.
BUSH
…spanking each other with packets of $100 bills.
SATAN
Priceless. Is that it?
BUSH
That’s it. So, here I am.
SATAN
Well, I can’t say it’s totally unexpected, but welcome back anyway, George.
BUSH
I wish I could say I’m glad to be here, but I’m not.
SATAN
Oh, I don’t know…you did live in Texas. How much worse can this be?
BUSH
You got a mouth on you, Satan.
SATAN
Thank you. I do have some news for you. While you were trying to bluff your way into heaven, your good friend and special “turd blossom” Karl Rove brought his stellar political career to an abrupt end with a midnight dip in the Potomac. His swimming buddy, a fifty-pound concrete block, turned out to be…less than helpful.
BUSH
Karl’s here?
SATAN
He’s right behind you.
BUSH
(turns around to face Rove) Karl!. I’ll be damned.
KARL
Well, that makes two of us. (they embrace) Good to see you, Sir.
SATAN
So touching when people find their soul mates. Perhaps I can arrange for you two to pour boiling oil in each other’s orifices. You’d be together….
KARL
(to Satan) Can I have a minute in private with the President?
SATAN
(smiles) It warms my heart to know you haven’t given up on your devious, mischievous ways, Karl. Go. Talk amongst yourselves
Karl and Bush turn their backs to Satan and talk in whispers.
KARL
Okay. Briefly, here’s where I’m at, Mr. President. I’ve started a whisper campaign in circles two and three that call into question the Devil’s commitment to pure evil. It charges that there is credible evidence Satan was not cast out of heaven, but left voluntarily to start a children’s petting zoo in Arizona. God thought Satan wasn’t living up to his potential, there were arguments, insults exchanged, and the rest is history. Second, I’ve organized a group of sycophants and panderers who swear that in the war against good, the Devil has grossly and dishonorably exaggerated his accomplishments. I call them the Swift Goat Soldiers for Truth. Finally, I’ve found a guard who will swear that Lucifer sleeps with a stuffed animal named Pookers. The man has photos!
BUSH
Karl, you are a freaking genius.
KARL
It won’t be long before he’s helping pack our bags.
SATAN
Boys. Oh, boys. Let’s break it up now. Your pitchforks are getting cold.
BUSH
(turning and smiling) Sure, Satan ol’ buddy. You’ve got our undivided attention. Right, Karl?
KARL
Let the games begin.
SATAN
Well, by my cloven hooves. George Bush.
BUSH
(Standing, brushing himself off) Beezlebarb.
SATAN
That’s Beelzebub. But who cares? You’re back. Food not to your liking?
BUSH
Very funny.
SATAN
Come on, George.
BUSH
You have to do this idiotic “Life Review” before you get an entrance pass. So, okay, things are dicey from the beginning, with the booze and privileged life and yada, yada, yada. I was still thinking I had a chance, though, as we got up to the last few years of my life. But after becoming President, it started going downhill faster than a California mudslide.
SATAN
Fascinating. Go on.
BUSH
Oh, you know. The war, the economy, secret wire taps, the lying…the typical liberal smears. But the camel that broke the straws back were the photos of me and Abramoff in a hot tub….
SATAN
That’s it?
BUSH
…buck naked…
SATAN
Mmmm.
BUSH
…with Gina and Dixie…
SATAN
Oh my.
BUSH
…and two empty bottles of Jack Daniels….
SATAN
Ouch.
BUSH
…spanking each other with packets of $100 bills.
SATAN
Priceless. Is that it?
BUSH
That’s it. So, here I am.
SATAN
Well, I can’t say it’s totally unexpected, but welcome back anyway, George.
BUSH
I wish I could say I’m glad to be here, but I’m not.
SATAN
Oh, I don’t know…you did live in Texas. How much worse can this be?
BUSH
You got a mouth on you, Satan.
SATAN
Thank you. I do have some news for you. While you were trying to bluff your way into heaven, your good friend and special “turd blossom” Karl Rove brought his stellar political career to an abrupt end with a midnight dip in the Potomac. His swimming buddy, a fifty-pound concrete block, turned out to be…less than helpful.
BUSH
Karl’s here?
SATAN
He’s right behind you.
BUSH
(turns around to face Rove) Karl!. I’ll be damned.
KARL
Well, that makes two of us. (they embrace) Good to see you, Sir.
SATAN
So touching when people find their soul mates. Perhaps I can arrange for you two to pour boiling oil in each other’s orifices. You’d be together….
KARL
(to Satan) Can I have a minute in private with the President?
SATAN
(smiles) It warms my heart to know you haven’t given up on your devious, mischievous ways, Karl. Go. Talk amongst yourselves
Karl and Bush turn their backs to Satan and talk in whispers.
KARL
Okay. Briefly, here’s where I’m at, Mr. President. I’ve started a whisper campaign in circles two and three that call into question the Devil’s commitment to pure evil. It charges that there is credible evidence Satan was not cast out of heaven, but left voluntarily to start a children’s petting zoo in Arizona. God thought Satan wasn’t living up to his potential, there were arguments, insults exchanged, and the rest is history. Second, I’ve organized a group of sycophants and panderers who swear that in the war against good, the Devil has grossly and dishonorably exaggerated his accomplishments. I call them the Swift Goat Soldiers for Truth. Finally, I’ve found a guard who will swear that Lucifer sleeps with a stuffed animal named Pookers. The man has photos!
BUSH
Karl, you are a freaking genius.
KARL
It won’t be long before he’s helping pack our bags.
SATAN
Boys. Oh, boys. Let’s break it up now. Your pitchforks are getting cold.
BUSH
(turning and smiling) Sure, Satan ol’ buddy. You’ve got our undivided attention. Right, Karl?
KARL
Let the games begin.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Don't Quit Your Day Job
I just quit my day job. I’m out of work in two weeks. Do I care?
What is a job anyway but the dead zone between coffee and cocktails? People who really like their jobs scare me. If God wanted us to like our jobs, we’d be getting paid for having sex and watching The Family Guy. Instead we glumly exchange physical and mental wellbeing and self-esteem for dribbles of lucre and less vacation time than anyone else in the universe.
My horoscope for today read: “Pleasure awaits you by the seashore,” which I instinctively understood to mean, “Quit your job.” (I have a gift that way.) So I did. And now, I will have time to focus on the really important things in life: my sweet Katharine, my writing, regenerating my body and soul and finding a new job before bald men with baseball bats track me down.
I’ve already mapped out a grueling “at home” regimen for myself: Wide-eyed and ready to go at noon, wash down an Egg McMuffin with a Corona, watch two hours of The Man Show, put on clothes, nap, win a couple of levels of “Red Faction” on the PS2, write for twenty minutes, watch some financial show on some channel, you know, to really get my chops ready for that next big job, fall asleep on the couch. Yes, it’s brutal, but believe me, it’s what I have to do to set myself apart from the rest of the pack.
So the bottom line is, don’t be afraid to be a quitter. There’s life after work...until you run totally out of money, but that’s another blog for another time.
What is a job anyway but the dead zone between coffee and cocktails? People who really like their jobs scare me. If God wanted us to like our jobs, we’d be getting paid for having sex and watching The Family Guy. Instead we glumly exchange physical and mental wellbeing and self-esteem for dribbles of lucre and less vacation time than anyone else in the universe.
My horoscope for today read: “Pleasure awaits you by the seashore,” which I instinctively understood to mean, “Quit your job.” (I have a gift that way.) So I did. And now, I will have time to focus on the really important things in life: my sweet Katharine, my writing, regenerating my body and soul and finding a new job before bald men with baseball bats track me down.
I’ve already mapped out a grueling “at home” regimen for myself: Wide-eyed and ready to go at noon, wash down an Egg McMuffin with a Corona, watch two hours of The Man Show, put on clothes, nap, win a couple of levels of “Red Faction” on the PS2, write for twenty minutes, watch some financial show on some channel, you know, to really get my chops ready for that next big job, fall asleep on the couch. Yes, it’s brutal, but believe me, it’s what I have to do to set myself apart from the rest of the pack.
So the bottom line is, don’t be afraid to be a quitter. There’s life after work...until you run totally out of money, but that’s another blog for another time.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Is Wrong Right?
What if you were always wrong? Not even wrong most of the time, but always wrong. Can you imagine what a miserable existence that would be? Some of us (myself included) have days or even weeks when we feel like we can’t do or say anything right, but at some point the pendulum swings back and you win a few small victories or experience the emotional satisfaction of an “I told you so.”
It’s not easy always being wrong, what with chance and dumb luck, but one major group of people has managed to be on the wrong side of virtually every issue related to the evolution of humans since the dawn of time. Conservatives. That’s right. What is today considered a political ideology was once simply a state of mind, an inclination that has always afflicted a fluctuating portion of our species. It’s not a glass-half-empty or half-full issue, but more about who has control over the glass and its contents. If I have it, I want to keep it. Anything that might change that situation is bad.
I can imagine a conversation in our distant past going something like this:
Grok
Bork, Tark has made fire.
Bork
Made fire? Only the gods can make fire.
Grok
Tark has made it at the entrance to his cave to keep warm.
Bork
The fool. He will set himself on fire.
Grok
No. It is a small fire and he does not touch it.
Bork
Our ancestors survived without fire. When the gods want us to have fire, they send it from the sky.
Grok
But Tark can make fire anytime to keep him warm during the cold days and nights of winter.
Bork
Do not contradict your elder. It is not our way. A fire maker is a troublemaker. Soon there will be fires in every cave and no one will want to leave their caves to hunt. Hear me. Fire will lead to the death of us all.
Sound familiar?
Bork could be talking about allowing women to vote, regulating child labor, civil rights, Galileo, anti-poverty measures, a radical preacher named Jesus, environmental protection, the wheel…you fill in the blanks.
Nothing is certain in life except that conservatives will always be on the losing side of human advancement. Always. Yet there they are, eternally sniffing at change, stubbornly dismissing the latest leap forward as a fad or lower class affliction, until it washes over humanity in its inescapable truth.
Then, long after the fact, the conservative will embrace it as a given, pretending to have had a hand in generating such obviously beneficial change. They will feign shock, shock I tell you, if you should intimate they might have had a racist, intolerant or curmudgeonly bone in their body.
Perhaps, just perhaps, humanity needs conservatives. In the same way that repetitive resistance with weights builds muscle, it could be that repetitive resistance by history’s champions of the status quo actually helps foster the environment for change. Are these willing dupes the cow shit that fertilizes change or are they merely full of shit? Consider that for every Martin Luther King, Jr. in history there is always a J. Edgar Hoover. You can’t have a comedy duo without a straight man.
It seems possible that Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter, the Zeus and Athena of conservative cranks, actually serve a useful purpose.
But of course, I could be wrong....
It’s not easy always being wrong, what with chance and dumb luck, but one major group of people has managed to be on the wrong side of virtually every issue related to the evolution of humans since the dawn of time. Conservatives. That’s right. What is today considered a political ideology was once simply a state of mind, an inclination that has always afflicted a fluctuating portion of our species. It’s not a glass-half-empty or half-full issue, but more about who has control over the glass and its contents. If I have it, I want to keep it. Anything that might change that situation is bad.
I can imagine a conversation in our distant past going something like this:
Grok
Bork, Tark has made fire.
Bork
Made fire? Only the gods can make fire.
Grok
Tark has made it at the entrance to his cave to keep warm.
Bork
The fool. He will set himself on fire.
Grok
No. It is a small fire and he does not touch it.
Bork
Our ancestors survived without fire. When the gods want us to have fire, they send it from the sky.
Grok
But Tark can make fire anytime to keep him warm during the cold days and nights of winter.
Bork
Do not contradict your elder. It is not our way. A fire maker is a troublemaker. Soon there will be fires in every cave and no one will want to leave their caves to hunt. Hear me. Fire will lead to the death of us all.
Sound familiar?
Bork could be talking about allowing women to vote, regulating child labor, civil rights, Galileo, anti-poverty measures, a radical preacher named Jesus, environmental protection, the wheel…you fill in the blanks.
Nothing is certain in life except that conservatives will always be on the losing side of human advancement. Always. Yet there they are, eternally sniffing at change, stubbornly dismissing the latest leap forward as a fad or lower class affliction, until it washes over humanity in its inescapable truth.
Then, long after the fact, the conservative will embrace it as a given, pretending to have had a hand in generating such obviously beneficial change. They will feign shock, shock I tell you, if you should intimate they might have had a racist, intolerant or curmudgeonly bone in their body.
Perhaps, just perhaps, humanity needs conservatives. In the same way that repetitive resistance with weights builds muscle, it could be that repetitive resistance by history’s champions of the status quo actually helps foster the environment for change. Are these willing dupes the cow shit that fertilizes change or are they merely full of shit? Consider that for every Martin Luther King, Jr. in history there is always a J. Edgar Hoover. You can’t have a comedy duo without a straight man.
It seems possible that Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter, the Zeus and Athena of conservative cranks, actually serve a useful purpose.
But of course, I could be wrong....
Thursday, January 05, 2006
No cause for alarm, officer. I'm a Republican.
January 5, 2006
Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee
Washington, D.C.
Dear xxxx,
Thank your for joining the Republican Party. We need patriots like you who appreciate the greatness of this country and support our efforts to turn America in the right direction. We are in a daily struggle with the dark forces of liberalism, atheism, socialism and pornography, and we thank you for joining the army of steadfast, courageous conservatives who are willing to stand up for goodness and decency.
Now that you are a registered Republican, you will enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Grand Old Party. Listed here are the advantages you can expect as “one of us."
- You will never be forced to turn on a fellow Republican no matter what he has done and he will never turn on you.
- You can enjoy all the hypocrisy you can stand because your cause is holy.
- Lying is no longer a bad thing, but a vital weapon to be used against the liberal media and snotty college kids home on break.
- You do not have to acknowledge any contradictions in life.
- Ignorance is bliss. What you don’t know doesn’t matter.
- Republicans acknowledge the spiritual anointment of wealth by God, unlike Democrats who remain in denial.
- You are not bound by ethics. “Ethics” is a liberal construct designed to tie the hands of society’s entrepreneurs and visionaries.
- Because your motives are always good, occasional lapses into sinful behavior are quickly forgotten.
- Guilt is a sign of weakness. You may now toss that book out of your library.
- Finally, you can rest in the comfort of knowing that no matter what the facts are, no matter how many people disagree with you, no matter what the scientific evidence is, no matter what you see with your own eyes, you are always right. Isn’t that wonderful?
God bless America, and God bless you for joining our cause.
Sincerely,
Ken Mehlman
Hell To Pay
By John Andreini
A full-length play. Dark comedy.
"This is a puzzling world, and Old Harry's got a finger in it." George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss
SYNOPSIS:
Advertising account executive Danny Laws is having a devil of a time. He's on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client, and, as a result, his job and reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered a deal that could save his hide, but cost him his soul. What begins as a simple Faustian contractual arrangement ends up becoming the biggest potential deal Danny could ever dream of--an ad campaign for Hell. All he has to do is make a presentation to Old Harry and the deal is in the bag. Problems arise, however, when a second agency gets involved and Danny is pressured into accepting conditions that put his dreams in jeopardy. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, Danny and his colleague/lover Lisa prepare the mother of all presentations. But are they actually presenting to the Prince of Darkness and his enigmatic assistant or a couple of devilishly clever con men? Either way, Danny and Lisa use every weapon at their disposal to dispatch the evil duo and rescue their pride, pocketbooks, and perhaps, their souls.
Read more about "Hell to Pay" by going to http://www.playscripts.com
A full-length play. Dark comedy.
"This is a puzzling world, and Old Harry's got a finger in it." George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss
SYNOPSIS:
Advertising account executive Danny Laws is having a devil of a time. He's on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client, and, as a result, his job and reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered a deal that could save his hide, but cost him his soul. What begins as a simple Faustian contractual arrangement ends up becoming the biggest potential deal Danny could ever dream of--an ad campaign for Hell. All he has to do is make a presentation to Old Harry and the deal is in the bag. Problems arise, however, when a second agency gets involved and Danny is pressured into accepting conditions that put his dreams in jeopardy. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, Danny and his colleague/lover Lisa prepare the mother of all presentations. But are they actually presenting to the Prince of Darkness and his enigmatic assistant or a couple of devilishly clever con men? Either way, Danny and Lisa use every weapon at their disposal to dispatch the evil duo and rescue their pride, pocketbooks, and perhaps, their souls.
Read more about "Hell to Pay" by going to http://www.playscripts.com
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