Do You Have What It Takes?

That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.

Dear,

We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.

1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch

2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes

3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.

4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party

5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi

6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.

7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject

8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse

What the hell?

Through a FOIA request, That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a document from the State Department that raises some intriguing, previously unknown issues about Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. The document, although highly redacted, appears to be a signed contract between Roberts and Satan.

Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.

Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”

Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”

Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”

Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”

Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.

Mehlman Outs Hillary

WASHINGTON DC – In a press release sure to raise eyebrows from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman asserts that the mysterious second person to leak Valarie Plame’s name to the media was Hillary Clinton.

“Let her record speak for itself,” said Mehlman at an impromptu press conference. “Hillary Clinton has been at the center of virtually every Washington scandal over the past fifteen years. This treasonous activity has her name written all over it.”

When asked if he had any evidence implicating the New York Senator in the Plame affair, Mehlman scoffed. “Of course I do. I have eye witnesses, receipts, video. I’ve got enough hard evidence to put Killery away for a long, long time.”

Reporters asked to see the evidence, but were rebuffed. “How stupid do you think I am?” asked Mehlman. “It’s in a safe place. At the appropriate time I will turn over everything I have to the authorities.”

“This witch hunt in the administration must stop,” continued Mehlman. “To assert that God-loving, God-fearing people like Karl Rove and Libby Scooter could be involved in treasonous activities is beyond belief. It’s ludicrous. No, you have to look at suspects who have demonstrated amoral behavior time and time again. That would be Democrats, specifically, the female Senator from New York. I don’t even like saying her name.”

Reporters pressed Mehlman to reveal any actual evidence he had against Clinton. Mehlman then held a piece of paper over his head. “This, ladies and gentleman, is an inventory of all the evidence I have against Hillary Clinton. One hundred and....ten separate pieces of damning evidence. I will be turning this list over to the FBI shortly after I leave this press conference.”

Repeated calls to FBI officials have not been answered.

Son of Rove

The rumors have been flying around the beltway that 43 is already putting out discreet feelers for someone to replace Karl Rove. While the media types chase their tales around the city, That’s Going Too Far! has already confirmed this story. In fact, we have obtained a questionnaire that is being sent on the very hush-hush to potential candidates for Rove’s replacement. Here is what they want to know about the second most powerful man in the world (behind Cheney):

1. A prominent Senate Democrat starts making noises about impeachment hearings. Your response is:
a. Press releases and the talk show circuit
b. Sic Zel Miller on her
c. Pay her daughter’s daycare worker to pump the child for dirt
d. Send talking points to FOX

2. An upcoming Senate race is razor close in an important red state. Your strategy is:
a. 24-hour surveillance
b. Hacking opponents computers
c. Leak to press opponents arrest for marijuana 30 years ago
d. Pay opponents cleaning service to tell all

3. A high profile Republican governor is implicated in a sex scandal. You would help by:
a. Getting every law enforcement agency in the state to look into the pole dancer’s background
b. Having the Pope speak in the governor’s defense
c. Starting a war somewhere
d. Giving the governor the Medal of Freedom

4. A very hot Hollywood star is dissing the President at every opportunity. How would you handle this?
a. Have Jerry Falwell conduct a revival meeting at the Hollywood Bowl
b. Accuse the star of being a former Republican
c. Pay his make-up person for dirt
d. Have the Pope excommunicate the offender

5. The President’s ratings with the American people are in the tank. How would you fix this?
a. Have the President give a prime-time speech in which he reveals he has a life-threatening disease
b. Have the President survive a “terrorist attack”
c. Capture Osama Bin Laden
d. Send the twins to Iraq

President, Heal Thyself

The President’s most recent bicycle accident is only the latest in a long line of minor physical traumas involving Bush and his immediate surroundings. Most of the President’s accidents have been kept from the public eye, but That’s Going Too Far! has obtained copies of medical reports kept by Bush’s personal physician. The records reveal that Bush has had numerous close calls and potentially life-threatening medical situations over the past five years. Here are some examples.

5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.

The Speech I'd Like To Hear Bush Deliver Tonight

Fellow Americans. I stand here before you tonight a humbled man. Today, early this morning, I sat in a small room off of the Oval Office alone, in meditation, and I did something I hadn’t done up until that moment. I reflected on my time as President, silently, in prayer, and I thought back on the decisions I’d made on many issues over the past four years. I asked God, and myself, “Have I done the right thing?” To my surprise, I was suddenly overcome by tears and I wept. I couldn’t stop myself from bawling like a baby. My mistakes, arrogant, prideful mistakes, filled me like some dark spirit filling an empty bottle. I was consumed with dread and fear. And it said to me, “Behold the truth or I will be your companion for eternity.”

I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.

Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.

I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.

I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.

My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.

Class, your attention please...

Okay, Democrats, let’s go through this one more time:

Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.

Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.

Class dismissed.

His Highness Will See You Now

“Coming to office after the more casual Clinton administration, Bush imposed a strict dress code and standards of promptness for employees, visitors and even the rumpled press corps.” Houston Chronicle, June 18, 2005.

That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.

May 28, 2005

Office of White House Decorum

To all;

When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:

1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.

Thanks For All You Do

MEMO

DATE: June 7, 2005

FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett

TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.

Dear Friends,

I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.

However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.

The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.

Dan

The Right Man for the Right Job

New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.

Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.

The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.

Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”

Repost. I've Been A Very Naughty President

The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.


Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?

Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.

Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?

Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.

Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.

Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?

Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.

Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.

Tara
So you’re an actor.

Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.

Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.

Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.

Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh

Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.

Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.

Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….

Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?

Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.

Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.

Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?

Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.

Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.

Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.

Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.

Hangs up.

How Wrong Can You Be?

Hi folks. Tim Marshall here hosting America’s favorite game show, “How Wrong Can You Be?” That’s right. This is the show where your ignorance is our entertainment. As you know, the losing contestant gets a whole lot of humiliation and grief from moi just for being so stupid. But hey, it’s funny. So let’s jump right into the show. Shall we? Bob, who are our contestants today?

Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.

[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]

TIM
Gregory, welcome.

GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?

GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.

TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?

BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]

TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.

GINA
What’s that, Tim?

TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.

GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.

TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.

BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]

TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.

BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?

BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.

TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.

BUSH
I understand.

TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.

GINA
Ready, Tim.

TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?

GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.

TIM
Hurry, Gina.

GINA
Okay. New York?

TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?

GREGORY
Who?

TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.

GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?

TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?

BUSH
Ready, Tim.

TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?

BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…

TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.

BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?

TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.

BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.

TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.

GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.

TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.

GINA
Huh?

TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.

GREGORY
I’m ready.

TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?

GREGORY
What?

TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?

GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?

TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.

GINA
Shoot.

BUSH
Don’t get me started.

TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….

GINA
My question…?

TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.

GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.

TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.

GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]

TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.

BUSH
Fire away, Tim.

TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?

BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.

TIM
This from the President of the United States.

BUSH
Umm, Picasso?

TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”

GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.

TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.

GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….

[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]

BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.

TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.

GINA
Can I come back on another night?

TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.

GINA
Are you kidding me?

TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.

GINA
This is bull—

TIM
Your answer, please.

GINA
Howdy Doody.

TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?

GREGORY
What?

TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.

GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.

TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?

GREGORY
Paris Hilton.

TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.

BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.

TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?

BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.

TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.

[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]

TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?

BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.

TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.

BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.

[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]

BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.

TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.

BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.

TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.

[applause and fade out]

Majority Rules

WASHINGTON DC -- After largely winning the battle in congress over his federal judge nominations, an emboldened President Bush is again challenging Democrats with a series of new House Rules for behavior. The new rules would require that all congressional Democrats wear white t-shirts with a red bulls eye on the chest. The back of the t-shirts would read: “I’m with stupid.”

Dems would also be required to have their heads shaved and have their state names tattooed on their forearms. Before speaking on the floor, Dems must ask: “DeLay, may I?” And when addressing fellow members, Democrats may only speak in Pig Latin.

Needless to say, Democrats are hostile to the new changes. “This is one more humiliation heaped upon us by power-mad Republicans,” noted Congressperson Harry Reid. “The problem is, they have the votes to get it passed into law.”

Senator Hillary Clinton said the law violates any sense of bipartisanship in congress. “It’s insane,” said Clinton. “Their push toward a one party system now includes dictating how we dress. I’ll shave my head when hell freezes over.”

Republicans deny this is an attempt humiliate the opposing party. Bill Frist said, “They’re blowing this out of proportion, but then they are the “Blame America first” party. They should appreciate the fact that they’re going to be allowed to live.”

Myth Over Matter

As debates rage in Kansas and other states over whether Intelligent Design should be taught alongside the theory of evolution in public schools, the Department of Education has received a number of requests from individuals and groups to include their versions of creation in the curricula. Some examples:

Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.

Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”

Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.

Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.

Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

To our Newsweek Readers,

We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.

The Editors

From Sold Out to Sell Out. A Cautionary Tale.

The scene is a ten-year old’s birthday party. Mom is herding the children into the living room of a comfortable suburban home, urging them to sit on the floor.

MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.

CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?

BARRY
Yo, he kicks—

MOM
Who?

JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?

MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.

TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]

BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.

TOMMY
Shut up.

BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.

MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]

MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?

JEREMY
Mom…?

MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.

JEREMY
Ten.

MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.

TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.

MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.

TOMMY
I’m nine.

MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.

BARRY
When are you going to be funny?

MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.

TOMMY
Until you sold out.

M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?

JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.

MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—

TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.

MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.

MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]

MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.

MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.

MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]

Headlines We'd Like to See

Bush Claims Iraq Epiphany. Will Order Troops Home Next Month.

Ann Coulter: Ranting Conservative Persona Was Satire

“700 Club” Studio Demolished by Twister. “I Never Saw It Coming,” Says Robertson.

Laura Bush Dumping George For Comedy Career

Falwell Caught With Pants Down At Hollywood Porn Party

Bush Impeachment Hearings Begin Today

Michael Jackson’s Nose Falls Off During Cross-Examination

Eighty-two Year Old Lance Armstrong Wins 43rd Tour De France

Gary Coleman New California Mayor

Nichole Kidman Shocker: Admits She’s Passionately In Love With Unknown Minneapolis Writer

Rumors Persist: Dick Cheney Denies Affair with 50 Cent

Perfect Storm Gathering Around Administration With New Media Revelations Of Corruption and Deceit

Getting a Head Start on History

A History of the Presidents of the United States for Sixth Graders
© 2020

George W. Bush

George Bush was the 43rd President of the United States. He was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut and grew up in Midland, Texas. He is the son of our 41st President, George W. H. Bush. The younger Bush became President of the United States in 2001, and won a second term in 2004.

George W. Bush was one of the least popular presidents in the history of the United States. There were many controversies during his time in office, ending with his impeachment for gross misconduct. This was a time in history when there was a lot of terrorist activity around the world. Some Muslims believed their culture was under attack from Western governments. The worst act of terrorism in U.S. history took place during Bush’s presidency when terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings in New York City and into the Pentagon. Thousands of people died. President Bush then declared a war on terror, which resulted in more bloodshed and violence around the globe. At home, President Bush oversaw a very large increase in the national debt, a debt that we are all still paying on today. Other problems during this President’s administration included its neglect of the environment, it’s lack of action on global warming (yet another problem passed on to our age) and its attempts to use propaganda to sell ideas to the American people.

Our 43rd president never ended his second term in office because he was impeached for lying to the American people about why he sent U.S. soldiers to war. Impeachment proceedings happen in the Senate, which is given the duty by the Constitution to either convict or acquit the impeached official, in this case, the President of the United States. After his conviction by the Senate, George Bush was a private citizen. He went back to his home near Crawford, Texas where he lived out his life in almost total seclusion, emerging only occasionally to clear brush on his ranch.

Media to America: Get Over It

An article in an upcoming addition of the New York Times. Page 17. Bottom left corner.

WASHINGTON D.C.—A formerly top secret memo emerged yesterday indicating that President Bush and his advisors may have mislead the American people on the rationales for going to war with Iraq. The memo, made public through an FOIA request, is from Bush to Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and Rice. This is the text of the memo.

Saddam has got to go. I don’t care what lies we have to make up to tell the American people, I’m going in there to kick his ass. I want all of you to fix me up some intelligence that will fly long enough to get this mission started. I like Cheney’s Weapons of Mass Destruction idea. What about some link to nuclear weapons? That always scares the shit out of people. I want all of this yesterday.

A White House spokesman dismissed the memo as insignificant. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Vice President Cheney, when asked about the memo at a Washington fundraiser, replied, “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Secretary of State Rice echoed the Vice President. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” And, in a poll taken shortly after the release of the memo, 65% of Americans indicated that it is “ground that has already been covered. We are tired of it.” Leading Democrats in congress had no comment.

The Boy in the Bubble

President Bush meets with his top advisors in the Oval Office. Rice, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfield and Wolfowitz sit patiently, waiting for the President to speak. Finally, Bush takes the Washington Post that sits on his lap and holds it up.

BUSH
What is this?

RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.

BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?

WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?

BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.

CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….

BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”

ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…

BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.

CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—

RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.

BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.

DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.

BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.

RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.

BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?

They all look at each other nervously.

RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.

BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.

RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.

BUSH
Anyone else?

RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.

BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?

RICE
First thing tomorrow?

BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?

ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—

BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?

ROVE
Yes, Sir.

BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.

RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.

WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.

BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.

ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.

BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?