I’ve always liked the epithet “American Taliban” to describe the Bush Administration and its national network of religious fanatics. Unfolding events in Washington DC momentarily exposed the dank, wormy side of our homegrown mujahideen for even the most nearsighted citizen to see. The extent of the influence of the zealot class was laid bare in the Miers fiasco. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers displeased our Anglo Ayatollahs when they could not adequately penetrate her psyche to discern her level of ideological obedience. Ergo, she was swiftly disappeared. The real Taliban could not have operated any more effectively, other than to stone Miers to death on the spot. Bush was warned, and Bush obeyed.
Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?
Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?
Friday, October 28, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Krazy Karl
Washington, DC - In an eleventh hour attempt to avoid prosecution on conspiracy and obstruction of justice charges, attorneys for Karl Rove have entered an insanity defense.
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
Monday, October 17, 2005
Next time, it's a dead fish wrapped in newspaper
The following letter from Vice President Cheney to his chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libbey was intercepted this weekend by That's Going Too Far! Administration officials deny that this, or Libbey's previous letter to New York Times editor Judith Miller, contains any "code words" or secret messages. However, the experts who have analyzed the letter believe there may in fact be embedded code words intended for Libbey, noting specifically the words in bold face.
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Friday, October 07, 2005
The Electorate Speaks
Responses to the question, “Do you believe George Bush should be impeached?” from a transcript of a recent “Man on the Street” segment on a local television station here in Minneapolis.
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The Short List
That’s Going Too Far! has just obtained a copy of the list of finalists (with notes) that Bush was considering for the current Supreme Court vacancy prior to choosing Harriet Miers.
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Abort Retort
On the September 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Bill Bennett reported that "you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." I have a better idea. We could abort every Republican baby in this country and watch our nation’s general IQ go up. It would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but we would be a much more intelligent country.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Last Call
At a Rose Garden ceremony to honor the nation’s kindergarten teachers, a disheveled President Bush shocked the assembled crowd of teachers and children with a profanity-laced speech that ended with the President vomiting on the podium.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Congratulations. You Suck.
Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Are You an American Idiot?
You’ve heard the Green Day song, but do you qualify? What does it take to be an American Idiot? Take this simple True or False test to find out.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
Monday, August 29, 2005
On a First Name Basis
Washington, DC -- Pat Robertson, head of the 2 million strong Christian Coalition, said today that hurricane Katrina was God’s retribution on America for denouncing his call to assassinate Venezuela’s leader Chavez.
“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”
When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.
“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”
A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”
Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”
“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”
When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.
“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”
A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”
Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Speak No Evil
Updated List of Words and Phrases That Cannot Be Spoken Around the President
1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell
1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
We win. Bye, bye.
Toady George Bush told a crowd of military personnel in Idaho, “We will win the war.” What he neglected to mention was how. Ask yourself, what are the possible scenarios for winning this war?
- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.
- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Science Outside the Box
Crawford, Texas -- Speaking to reporters from his ranch, President Bush reiterated his stance today that Intelligent Design should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution. The President went a step further and suggested other subjects that should be taught alongside traditional curricula in public schools.
“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”
The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.
“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”
When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.
The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”
Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.
“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”
The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.
“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”
When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.
The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”
Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Sacrificing Humanity on the Altar of Ideology
The right wing’s attacks on peace activist Cindy Sheehan are appalling in every respect, but Rush Limbaugh’s latest salvo is so ugly and low it cannot be ignored. Ridiculing the fact that Sheehan lost a son in Iraq by arguing, “We all lose things,” shows callousness beyond human understanding. It is a clear case of ideology trumping humanity by brutally assaulting someone simply because they don’t believe what you believe. This is the stuff of inquisitions and Islamic theocracies, not a democracy. Thankfully, these attacks on Sheehan are backfiring, and, perhaps best of all, they are laying bare the twisted, black souls of the attackers for all to see.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
More Headlines I’d Like to see
Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Bush Twins Join Marines
Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness
Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles
Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks
Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In
Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.
Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections
Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts
Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony
Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness
Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles
Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks
Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In
Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.
Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections
Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts
Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush Won’t Meet With Cindy Sheehan
10. If I don’t clear that brush now it’ll never happen
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Gathering.
For Cindy Sheehan
Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine
Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances
Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes
Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty
Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice
While ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine
Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances
Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes
Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty
Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice
While ghosts wait on the horizon
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The Paraguay Connection
An article today from Inter Press Service begins with this headline:
U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation
That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation
That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Repost: The Right Man For The Job
New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Do You Have What It Takes?
That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.
Dear,
We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.
1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch
2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes
3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.
4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party
5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi
6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.
7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject
8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse
Dear,
We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.
1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch
2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes
3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.
4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party
5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi
6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.
7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject
8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse
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