A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.
1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Speaking in Texan
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rapidly escalating ‘unlawful surveillance of Americans’ scandal that has been rocking the Bush administration took a new twist today.
In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”
When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”
When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
Monday, December 19, 2005
My Predictions for 2006
Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.
Donald Trump will be fired.
Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).
Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.
Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.
A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.
During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.
Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.
Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.
FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.
The cell phone suppository will be introduced.
A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”
A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”
Uruguay will disappear.
Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.
Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.
The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”
A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.
China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.
Donald Trump will be fired.
Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).
Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.
Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.
A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.
During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.
Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.
Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.
FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.
The cell phone suppository will be introduced.
A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”
A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”
Uruguay will disappear.
Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.
Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.
The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”
A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.
China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.
Failure of the MSM #2,898,436
During a FOX News interview after his Sunday night address to the nation, Bush once again asserted that, even knowing what we now know, he would still have invaded Iraq.
The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.
If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?
The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?
Someone should ask him.
The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.
If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?
The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?
Someone should ask him.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Cheney Sneers Hecklers to Death
Tulsa, Oklahoma – Peace activists who snuck into a Republican fundraising event featuring Vice President Dick Cheney were permanently silenced by what some onlookers said was, “The Grin Reaper.”
Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.
One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.
The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.
After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.
Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.
One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.
The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.
After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Bombs Away!
Startling new revelations have surfaced on the heels of news reports that President Bush had to be talked out of bombing the Arabic television station al-Jazeera, which has its headquarters in Doha, the capital of Qatar, a country considered a U.S. ally.
Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.
According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.
In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.
When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”
There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.
In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.
Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.
According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.
In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.
When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”
There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.
In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.
Monday, November 21, 2005
The Trickle-Down Query
CLEVELAND, OHIO – While visiting a classroom of fourth graders at Pontiac Academy, a private school in a Cleveland suburb, President Bush faced some unexpectedly tough questions about his policies.
The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.
Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”
President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“
Damian cut him off. “Did so.”
The President responded, “Did not.”
“Did so.”
“Did not.”
“Did so.”
There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.
A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.
The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.
Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”
President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“
Damian cut him off. “Did so.”
The President responded, “Did not.”
“Did so.”
“Did not.”
“Did so.”
There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.
A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.
Friday, November 11, 2005
"Ignorant and Proud"
The following is a transcript from the 10/21 taping of “Baxter On Books,” a syndicated television show featuring Theodore Baxter, professor of modern literature at Cornell University, interviewing authors. His guest for this show was Brenda Fritz, author of the bestselling book, “Ignorant and Proud.”
Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.
Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?
Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.
Baxter: Such as?
Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.
Baxter: Staring at a leaf?
Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?
Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.
Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.
Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?
Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?
Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?
Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.
Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?
Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.
Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?
Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”
Baxter: I don’t own a TV.
Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.
Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...
Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.
Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?
Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.
Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.
Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.
Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?
Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.
Baxter: Such as?
Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.
Baxter: Staring at a leaf?
Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?
Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.
Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.
Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?
Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?
Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?
Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.
Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?
Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.
Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?
Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”
Baxter: I don’t own a TV.
Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.
Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...
Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.
Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?
Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.
Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The News Before It's News
Although it is known to a mere handful of individuals, That's Going Too Far! brings you the big stories MONTHS before they actually happen. Psychic? Perhaps. Lucky? You bet. Unlike the Bush administration which lives in an alternative reality, TGTF actually changes the vibrations of the present, which in turn alters future reality, changing it into something that was not going to be the future, but...more like...the future you weren't expecting.
What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.
Micky's in the Mosque
Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.
“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”
Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”
President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”
“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”
“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”
Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”
At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”
Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.
What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.
Micky's in the Mosque
Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.
“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”
Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”
President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”
“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”
“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”
Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”
At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”
Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
You Know the Bush Administration is in Trouble When...
- Karl Rove is replaced with Bush’s private tailor, Georges de Paris
- White House orders DC liquor stores and pharmacies to remain open on 24-hour standby
- Libby enters the federal witness protection program
- Cheney has his sneer surgically removed
- Dennis Miller is given a room at the White House and bestowed the title, “Court Jester”
- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is replaced by Jerry Springer
- Cheney deletes “Vice President of the United States” from his Monster.com resume
- DC post offices run out of “Change of Address” packets
- Foreign governments ask Bush and entourage to stay at local Holiday Inns during state visits
- Site for the future George W. Bush Presidential Library chosen near Leavenworth, Kansas
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Message in a Bottle
The message below was found in a bottle on a New Zealand beach by a Chinese American tourist named Walter Yee.
An open letter to the people of the world
Help.
America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.
We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.
It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.
My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.
Help us.
Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.
It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.
An open letter to the people of the world
Help.
America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.
We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.
It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.
My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.
Help us.
Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.
It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Attack of the Anglo Ayatollahs
I’ve always liked the epithet “American Taliban” to describe the Bush Administration and its national network of religious fanatics. Unfolding events in Washington DC momentarily exposed the dank, wormy side of our homegrown mujahideen for even the most nearsighted citizen to see. The extent of the influence of the zealot class was laid bare in the Miers fiasco. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers displeased our Anglo Ayatollahs when they could not adequately penetrate her psyche to discern her level of ideological obedience. Ergo, she was swiftly disappeared. The real Taliban could not have operated any more effectively, other than to stone Miers to death on the spot. Bush was warned, and Bush obeyed.
Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?
Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?
Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?
Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?
Monday, October 24, 2005
Krazy Karl
Washington, DC - In an eleventh hour attempt to avoid prosecution on conspiracy and obstruction of justice charges, attorneys for Karl Rove have entered an insanity defense.
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
Monday, October 17, 2005
Next time, it's a dead fish wrapped in newspaper
The following letter from Vice President Cheney to his chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libbey was intercepted this weekend by That's Going Too Far! Administration officials deny that this, or Libbey's previous letter to New York Times editor Judith Miller, contains any "code words" or secret messages. However, the experts who have analyzed the letter believe there may in fact be embedded code words intended for Libbey, noting specifically the words in bold face.
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Friday, October 07, 2005
The Electorate Speaks
Responses to the question, “Do you believe George Bush should be impeached?” from a transcript of a recent “Man on the Street” segment on a local television station here in Minneapolis.
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The Short List
That’s Going Too Far! has just obtained a copy of the list of finalists (with notes) that Bush was considering for the current Supreme Court vacancy prior to choosing Harriet Miers.
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Abort Retort
On the September 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Bill Bennett reported that "you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." I have a better idea. We could abort every Republican baby in this country and watch our nation’s general IQ go up. It would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but we would be a much more intelligent country.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Last Call
At a Rose Garden ceremony to honor the nation’s kindergarten teachers, a disheveled President Bush shocked the assembled crowd of teachers and children with a profanity-laced speech that ended with the President vomiting on the podium.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Congratulations. You Suck.
Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Are You an American Idiot?
You’ve heard the Green Day song, but do you qualify? What does it take to be an American Idiot? Take this simple True or False test to find out.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
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