Should you vote?

Note everyone who is eligible to vote should vote. That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn’t mean you’re qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn’t automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a thoughtful, well-informed voter.

#1

The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Denzel Washington
e) Lon Chaney

#2

The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) binary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian

#3

The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta

#4

The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin

#5

The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) an alcoholic
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces

#6

What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys mate
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) Michael Jackson issues a comeback CD

#7

Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 365
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two

#8

I have to pay a fee to vote.

T
F

#9

Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Africa
e) Iowa

If you missed 1 – 3 answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you must turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

Con U

Dear Mr. Andreini,

Thank you for your interest in the Media Pundit program at the deWhite School of Broadcasting. We take great pride in being #1 nationally for producing graduates who go on to positions at the cable news networks as political pundits and talk show hosts. The list of dWSB alumni is a virtual Who’s Who of cable and radio talkmeisters, and our job placement rate is an impressive 48 percent! Ann Coulter recently described dWSB as the Right Wing’s “School of Assassins.”

Enclosed in this packet of information about dWSB is a class schedule, financial aid information, a campus map and a sports calendar. As a prospective student, we invite you to attend a free intercollegiate volleyball match between our Lady Buckleys and their arch rivals, the Deer Bottom Tech Shivs.

The Media Pundit program is a finely tuned balance of classroom learning and on-air experience. All students entering the program begin with a series of core courses:

1011 Cutting Off Callers
1099 History of the Ad Hominem Attack
1298 The Bully: Misunderstood American Icon
1300 The Fine Art of Ridicule
1339 Public School Deprogramming
1366 Studio Tantrums and Tirades

From there, you will select a specialty field as your major. These include:

Battle Bitch
Corporate Lackey
Insufferable Antagonist
Blowhard Know-it-all
Weasel
“Intellectual”
Moral Scold

As you can see, there are any number of academic options from which to choose. Yet dWSB isn’t only about lectures an tests. As a resident student, you’ll find an active campus community with numerous opportunities to become involved and develop your leadership skills. Our clubs and organizations include:

Campus Republicans
Maranatha
Earl Turner Theatre Troupe
Drill Team
Pistol Club
Rifle Club
Bazooka Club
Ground-to-Air Missile Club
ROTC
FOX Fan Club
Debate Team
Campus Christians for Christ
Exotic Weapons Society
John Birch Memorial Men’s Choir

And of course, you’ll enjoy cheering on the Buckleys. We are part of the National Confederate Athletic Association and field men’s teams in football, basketball, baseball, hockey, boxing, wrestling, sword fighting, dueling and paintball. Women’s teams include volleyball.

Our gated 12-acre campus/compound is located near beautiful Hinton, West Virginia, which was ranked by the National Review as “one of America’s most livable cities.”

Thank you again for considering the deWhite School of Broadcasting. See you this fall!

Sincerely,


Wendell Schmitt
Dean of Admissions

Rummy goes rabid

America’s crankiest old man Donald Rumsfeld is at it again. Before a sympathetic crowd of VFW flag-wavers in Reno, Nevada yesterday, Rummy basically called everyone who disagrees with the administration’s Iraq policies cowards and losers. That would include over two-thirds of his fellow citizens. Perhaps even one or two in his audience.

The Bush administration has branded me and virtually all of the people I know as cowards and America haters. How does it make you feel to be thought of by your government as something akin to a traitor for your views? We are nothing less than enemies of the State. Patches and ID tattoos to follow.

Rumsfeld has bungled every aspect of the Iraq war from troop strength to equipment to the post-war insurgency. The military leadership hates him, conservative pundits have called for his resignation, yet we are the cowards. This is a country turned upside down.

Americans are caught in the perfect storm of political incompetence. In any other administration in any other time, Rumsfeld would have been fired or reassigned, but when you’re a President with Congress and the Supreme Court covering your back, you can pretty much do as you damn well please.

Perhaps Rumsfeld’s alienating rhetoric is a sign of panic in the White House. Maybe the wheels are starting to come off the war wagon. We should be so lucky. In reality it is simply one more cynical, Rovian attack on what most of us like to think of as the democratic process. The only cowards in this sordid affair are those in the Bush administration who are unwilling to admit mistakes, but very willing to send other people off to die as a result of those mistakes.

IMPEACH.

Proud to be an American

I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I’m an American. Every time I watch the news I’m reminded that the United States is the best place on earth. Think about it. I could be living in one of those horrible Middle Eastern countries where

The news is controlled and filtered to provide only the government’s viewpoint,

The people are superstitious and poorly educated,

Foreigners are not trusted,

Intellectuals are marginalized,

The government uses fear to retain power,

Education is a political tool,

Politicians reduce complex problems to emotionally volatile slogans,

Religion is used to divide people,

The government encourages corporations to rape the environment,

Political dissenters are attacked as unpatriotic,

Religious leaders preach hate and intolerance,

The government spends an inordinate amount of money on its military,

Elections are rigged,

Science is subservient to religion.

On second thought, I’m going back to bed.

Bush: Will he snap?

The speed at which Bush is descending into the abyss of denial and delusion seems to increase daily. He recently dismissed the comments of his top general regarding the situation in Iraq with this incoherent babble: “You know, I hear people say, Well, civil war this, civil war that. The Iraqi people decided against civil war when they went to the ballot box.” The only use for a ballot box in Iraq now is for something to hide behind when the bullets start flying.

Bush is dangerously out of touch and he’s getting worse. Rove, Cheney, Rice—those closest to Mad King George—know that they can’t stop feeding his delusions or the house of cards will surely come tumbling down on all of them. And that, to me, is frightening.

We’ve got two years left. The question is, within that time frame, will there be a convergence, a “come to Jesus” moment for Bush when his Apocalyptic visions, arrogant self-righteousness, male insecurities and reality collide in some kind of mental nuclear fusion? Will he be sitting in a dark corner of the White House at 2 a.m., sipping on a gin and tonic, when he suddenly understands that the only way to save the world is to destroy it…now? Something snaps. The floor gives way. George calls for the man with the briefcase.

On the other hand, Bush may simply be too stupid to have a mental breakdown. There may be no alternative viewpoints in his tiny pointed head that could possibly intrude on his own one-dimensional vision of reality. The irony is that Bush’s comatose brain may actually be our best hope for survival.

MSM momentarily befuddled

What’s interesting about this morning’s coverage of Lamont’s win over Lieberman in Connecticut are the news headlines I’ve read. The ones I’ve seen focus on Lieberman and what he plans to do about losing. “Lieberman Plans to Run as Independent,” is the preferred line. So typical of the media to spin it this way. How about, “Lamont Upsets Democratic Incumbent”? Or “Anti-war Lamont Defeats Lieberman”? Or, better yet, “Lieberman Succumbs to Bush’s Kiss of Death.”

The MSM seems momentarily discombobulated by Lamont’s victory. How could the establishment lose? Who threw the wrench into the political machinery? Over the past few decades, they have paid little to no attention to “the voice of the people,” instead parroting government-approved pundits and conventional wisdom. They will attempt to minimize the importance of this election by portraying it as an anomaly, a mere blip on the political radar.

I believe, I hope, Lieberman is the first domino to fall in a long line of Bush apologists and that events over the next few months will prove the MSM wrong. Again.

Mickey goes to war

Are we a militaristic nation? I don’t think many Americans would characterize us that way, yet our compunction to solve the world’s problems with bullets and bombs, our almost spiritual reverence of those who fight our wars and the continuing attempts by the NRA to arm every man, woman and child has to make one stop and wonder. And now this.

Today’s Washington Post reports that the Army “[is] considering allowing a private developer to build a 125-acre entertainment, hotel and conference center complex next to a national Army museum at Fort Belvoir that could draw more than 1 million people a year to traffic choked southern Fairfax County.”

It’s a military theme park, complete with M-1 tank rides for the kids and an entertainment district “…with bars like the “1st Division Lounge.”

The “visitor destination concept,” as the Army euphemistically refers to it, is actually a stroke of malevolent brilliance. How better to fill the ranks of the military in the future than by starting to indoctrinate the fertile minds of pre-schoolers today? “Mommy, when I grow up I wanna fly a Cobra Gunship.”

What appears to be left out of the plans for this Disneyland in fatigues is the actual consequences of war—death and destruction. The Post didn’t mention anything about the M.A.S.H. unit tour, where families can “…wallow in pools of blood as surgeons saw off limbs and cram intestines back into body cavities.” Or the ever popular, “Enemy Village Ride,” that takes you through a recently bombed hamlet and past the grotesquely broken and burned bodies of women and children.

Glorifying war and violence? Naw, it’s all good, clean fun at the Bloodiest Place on Earth.

They can't stop lying

So New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg lied about why he wouldn’t let protestors gather in Central Park during the 2004 Republican Convention. It wasn’t about security or potential environmental concerns. It was political. What a surprise.

Republicans are habitual liars. Why? Ask Michael Corleone.

One of the many subplots in “The Godfather” movies was the gradual deterioration of the marriage between Michael Corleone and the outsider Kay. From the very beginning of their relationship, Kay is uneasy that Michael is evasive about his family’s business. As the saga progresses, Michael’s continuing lies about his illegal business dealings eventually push Kay out of his life.

In Michael’s world, there was no alternative for him but to lie, because telling the truth—that he was a bloodthirsty mobster who had people killed, including his own brother—would shock and alienate most anyone who wasn’t also a mobster. In other words, the lies were necessary to cover horrible truths understood by only a small group of initiates.

Which brings us to today’s conservatives. Why do they feel the need to lie, even at times when the truth would serve them better? The reasons are the same as their Mafioso brethren. Bush, Cheney, O’Reilly, Coulter, Robertson, Frist, et. al., have a horrible truth that can only be concealed by perpetual lies: The ideology to which they swear their allegiance is rotten at its core. Beneath the thin veneer of public service and fair and balanced is a dark, corrupt system powered by greed, hatred, cronyism, militarism, bigotry and selfishness. You won’t win a lot of votes with this agenda, so you lie.

You lie and you lie and you lie. You wrap your lies in religious images, patriotic slogans, family values and American flags. Twenty-first century conservatives won’t generally stand up at a podium and say, “I’m a racist.” They won’t admit that all of their tax cuts for wealthy individuals and large corporations are intended to buy support in elections. No political commercials will reveal that the Constitution doesn’t fit into their future plans for America.

So they lie. And they lie to cover their lies. Just as Michael Corleone could never be honest with his wife Kay, today’s Conservative politicians, pundits and prayermeisters can never be honest with the American people. The one difference is that Michael actually loved Kay.

Today's letter to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reader rep

I would like to understand the rationale behind your “Is that a fact?” series. So far, you’ve analyzed a misleading Republican ad and a misleading Democratic ad. And the point is?

The fact that both parties twist and distort the positions of the other is hardly enlightening or helpful, and may have the opposite effect you desire by reinforcing the widely-held opinion that because all politicians are liars, voting is irrelevant.

What I see in the “Is that a fact?” series is one more unfortunate example of the MSM’s addictive adherence to “balance.” In its attempts not to offend anyone (subscribers), the media continuously goes to extreme efforts to treat every subject as if there are always two legitimate sides to consider. In reality, there are not. The earth is not flat. Period. The earth revolves around the sun. Period. One political party lies and distorts the truth more egregiously and more often than the other. Period.

What would be far more helpful in educating readers than your current, “They said/they said,” approach would be an analysis of positions taken by each party with a discussion of which positions are backed primarily by facts and data, and which positions are backed primarily by ideology and wishful thinking.

Among the scientific community (those who actually know what they’re talking about), there is virtually no argument that global warming is the result of human activity. However, in its effort to balance the discussion, the media continue to print misleading articles and editorials by conservatives calling into question assertions about global warming. In this case, “balance” is resulting in a confused electorate and a dangerous delay in seeking remedies to a very serious problem.

Your goal of educating voters is worthy, but the tit-for-tat approach of “Is that a fact?” merely reinforces the biases of the party faithful and the cynicism of the undecided.

Noonan the nattering nabob

In a Wall Street Journal editorial today, Peggy Noonan attacked the scientific community over global warming, if you can believe it. It is, of course, one more attempt by the Bush Administration and its media propagandists to throw sand in the eyes of Americans. The questions Noonan asks have already been answered. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, made up of 1,000 of the world’s top experts in the field, have stated without reservation that the warming trend over the past 50 years is directly related to human activities. What other gathering of “the world’s great scientists” would Noonan want to convene? Or did she mean “the world’s great scientists who agree with President Bush and the energy industry CEOs?” Noonan could hold this meeting in her living room.

It can't happen here, part XII

“The President is always right.”
Steven Bradbury, head of the Justice Department’s office of legal counsel at a July 11, 2006 Senate Judiciary Committee meeting

The Fuhrer is always right.
Article 6, Nazi Party Organization Book (1940)

8. Mussolini is always right.
From the Fascist Decolague, the Ten Commandments of the Italian soldiers under Mussolini

“The thoughts of Chairman Mao are always correct.”
Lin Biao, Defense Minister, 7,000 Cadres Conference, 1962

Napoleon is always right.
Boxer, in Animal Farm by George Orwell

President Hillary Clinton and the unitary executive theory: A Republican nightmare

There are reports of yet more secret U.S. intelligence operations emanating from the White House that have not been reported to Congress. The Great Decider continues to believe that he can decide to do whatever the hell he wants, and damn the Constitution. It’s the antidemocratic unitary executive theory in action, folks; a theory embraced by many Third World dictators and exactly two Americans. Unfortunately for us, those two individuals are members of the current administration in Washington.

The unitary executive theory embraced by Vice President Cheney and his Consigliore David Addington gives the President almost unlimited powers during war. We all know how well that’s working. Despite the fact that this theory flies in the face of everything the founding fathers tried to establish in the Constitution, it seems to be this administration’s governing framework.

It is a theory that begs for continual war. If a President can have almost unlimited powers simply because there is a conflict somewhere in the world involving American soldiers, hey, why not? And who says when the war on terror is over? That one could be squeezed for decades.

The question I’ve had since I first heard of this bizarre interpretation of executive power is this: what do theory supporters think is going to happen when there’s a Democratic president?
Are the Congressional Republicans actually willing to give up their power to reign in a President when that person is, oh, just for argument’s sake, let’s say, Hillary Clinton? I mean, that scenario has to be their worst nightmare come true.

Or, as difficult as it is to believe, do they think there won’t be another Democratic president? Ever? Now, as inept as the Democrats have proven to be over the last thirty years, there will come a day—maybe not in my lifetime—but there will come a day when a Democrat is in the Oval Office. If Cheney’s and Addington’s vision of the nearly infallible President were allowed to stand, their political heirs may one day get the finger from Al Gore.

My guess is that once GB leaves office, either for Texas or a jail cell, the unitary executive theory will evaporate like a raindrop on a Phoenix sidewalk in August. Having seen what happens when you hand over the steering wheel of a speeding car to a chimpanzee, few in Congress from either party will have the stomach to argue for unrestrained executive powers, war or no war. This will be good, since I’m sure the founding fathers are tired after five years of spinning in their graves.

Cheney gets under my skin

Dick Cheney may be one of the most sinister characters in American politics. He is the second most powerful elected official in the country (some will argue the first), and he does not believe in democracy. His view of an imperial president who is not accountable to anyone for anything is so far from the founding father’s idea of a government of and for the people, it resides in a parallel universe. He is a highly experienced liar and manipulator who routinely places his ideological agenda ahead of the nation’s best interests.

Cheney is the Neocons Neocon. Rigidly dogmatic, he is never in doubt about any course of action in which he’s involved, which makes picking out a tie in the morning easy, but running international policy virtually impossible. More than any other administration official, Cheney continues to argue about long resolved issues relating to pre-war Iraq, and, I don’t believe, has ever conceded that anything the administration said or did in the lead up to the war was a mistake.

When I think of Cheney I’m reminded of Henry Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life,” the physically infirm, soulless capitalist who was an expert at exploiting the weaknesses of the good-hearted people of Bedford Falls. He revels in being the object of fear and never lets anyone forget who’s really in charge. Like Cheney, I imagine Potter never served in the military when he had the chance, yet enjoys shooting small animals from the window of his big black Cadillac.

The VP has been quiet of late, mostly popping up here and there to raise money for the GOP machine. It’s almost more unnerving when he’s not visible, because you know he’s lurking behind the curtain, whispering into George’s ear. Keeping close to the bunker. Hanging around, waiting for the sun to set.

To the streets or the liquor cabinet?

I just read a wonderfully written but seemingly fatalistic article by Mark Morford at SFGate.com. It’s essentially a rumination on Bush fatigue. Mark has it. I have it. Virtually everyone I know has it. After nearly six years under the rule of the Neocon Nero (“He strummed while New Orleans drowned.”), there is little left to do, according to Mark, but let the virus run its course and look to better days down the road.

As a draft-age young man living in the Bay Area during the late 60s, I can vividly remember the television images of nearly constant anti-war rallies and protest marches in Oakland specifically, but around the world in general. I was not politically mature enough in those days to join them, but they were a part of my life and times, and I know that they ultimately helped bring an end to the Vietnam War.

Now in my fifties, I look at what’s happening in Washington and wonder why the streets are empty. Yes, there have been some large protests over the past five years, but nothing of the duration or intensity of those during Vietnam. It’s troubling to me, because I believe that the current political situation—the dismantling of the principals upon which this country was founded—is fundamentally far more serious than even an illegal war. The conundrum is that there is such widespread and deep resentment toward the Bush administration in this country, but it is not being vented in any cohesive, dramatic way.

Well, John, you ask, why aren’t you organizing something? Why aren’t you out there with your clever banner pounding the pavement? Those are good questions. The anger and outrage are there. The desire for change is there. What’s not there is an expectation that I may be able to actually effect change by taking to the streets. It sounds defeatist, and maybe it is, but the bad guys control everything right now, the executive, the judicial and the legislative branches, as well as the media. Who would hear our shouts and drums banging but ourselves?

Morford’s conclusions are not easy to swallow, and I’m not sure I’m ready to accept them yet, but he may in fact be right that the most productive course we can take is to gird our loins for two more nightmarish years and start planning for the reconstruction now. And drink a lot.

What really happened to Kenny Boy?

A heart attack? Right. Not buying it for a second. How can a person without a heart have a heart attack? Facing the possibility of 30 years in jail at his October sentencing, Ken conveniently up and dies from coronary heart disease while vacationing in Colorado. All a coincidence? I don’t think so, and neither do a lot of other people. So here, then, is my list of theories as to what really happened to Ken at his house in Old Snowmass, Colorado. Some of these conjectures can be found elsewhere in cyber space, and some are my own.

1. He faked his death, had plastic surgery, and will live out the rest of his life farming radishes in Lichtenstein.
2. He was murdered by government agents to keep him from bargaining for leniency at sentencing time with “embarrassing” information about his oily acquaintances.
3. Over the last four years he had some of the world’s best scientist working in his basement laboratory creating Ken Clone, who now lies in a casket.
4. He’s hiding in the sub-basement of the White House and meets with Cheney daily.
5. Moments before death he was sealed in a cylinder of cryogenic preserving fluids with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.
6. Overcome by the thought of never seeing his true love again, he committed suicide and can only be brought back to life with a kiss from Condi Rice. His body lies in state on a marble slab in a forest clearing.

What Republicans say and what they mean

Say: “The American press has a liberal bias.”
Mean: “If I believe something is true, I don’t want some Goddamn newspaper telling me it isn’t.”

Say: “Support the troops.”
Mean: “Shut up about the Iraq war already.”

Say: “I don’t agree with the way Ann Coulter says it, but I think she’s fundamentally correct.”
Mean: “You go, girl.”

Say: “Affirmative action is reverse discrimination.”
Mean: “I don’t like black people.”

Say: “Tax cuts help all Americans.”
Mean: “If we don't keep our major contributors happy, there won't be a Republican party.”

Say: “We need to take a tougher stand on immigration.”
Mean: “I don’t like brown-skinned people.”

Say: “If we don’t fight the terrorists over there, we’ll have to fight them here.”
Mean: “If terrorists ever get this far, it would force those of us in power to actually sacrifice something, like our children, and that is unacceptable.”

Say: “Democrats don’t understand the average, hard-working American.”
Mean: “Democrats don’t understand how to manipulate the average, hard-working American.”

Say: “Everything changed after 9/11.”
Mean: “We’re in control, suckers. We’re the deciders.”

Say: “Flag burning should be a federal crime.”
Mean: “Don’t look behind the curtain. Look over here. Hey, over here.”

Say: “We must stay the course.”
Mean: “We don’t know what the hell we’re doing, but there’s a chance it’ll go our way.”

Say: “The Republican party is a big tent where everyone is welcome.”
Mean: “Join us on the Dark Side.”

SCOTUS CORRECTUS

Good news has been so rare during King George’s reign of error that it can easily be mistaken for a mirage or cruel satire. However, I think this is the real deal, as hard as it is to believe. From “Think Progress:”

“In a 5-3 decision (Chief Justice Roberts abstaining), the Supreme Court ruled that President Bush did not have authority to set up military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, finding the “military commissions” illegal under both military justice law and the Geneva Convention. The opinion of the Court, written by Justice John Paul Stevens, declares that “the Executive is bound to comply with the Rule of Law that prevails in this jurisdiction.””

This decision could have far reaching effects for an administration that disdains democratic processes. It could also have an impact on the warrantless wiretaps by the NSA and possibly other Bush skullduggery. Of course, Scalia, Alito and Thomas were the dissenters in the 5-3 decision. No surprise there. Anything that smacks of administration accountability is going to get poked in the eyes by the three stooges.

Bush’s Republican puppets in Congress have already started their attacks on the decision. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said on Fox, “The court is telling us that tribunals would be okay if you have the Congress’ blessing.” What the court is telling you, Lindsay, is that the checks and balances established by this country’s founders are the specific reason why we haven’t had tribunals up to the Bush era. Without checks and balances, anything goes, as we have clearly seen.

The second reason why Graham’s whining is so damned disingenuous is that there is not a soul on this planet who believes Congressional Republican’s would give a Democratic president the kind of unparalleled freedom to act unilaterally as they have granted Bush. All things being equal, if Bush were a Democrat, he’d have been impeached by now and breaking rocks in a Texas chain gang for the rest of his life.

Oh well, we have to take what we can get. A tip of the hat to the SCOTUS for getting it right. Once.

Why we need an anti-flag burning amendment

As told to Alabama State Penitentiary Chaplain Ross Krueger:

A while back my friend Otis and me were sitting at my kitchen table in the trailer eating Frosty-Os and washing them down with blueberry Schnapps. We were bored, of course, neither of us having jobs. Normally around this time of day, we’d get in my pickup and drive around town drinking Miller Lites and throwing the empty bottles at kids or dogs. But before I could open my mouth to announce the commencement of our ritual, Otis looked up, his red eyes glowing with mischief.

“Let’s go burn an American flag,” he says.

“Burn a flag?” I asked. “Why would we want to do that?”

He grinned. “It’s Memorial Day.”

I understood immediately. “Hell, let’s not burn a flag. Let’s burn twenty flags.”

That got us both giggling like little girls.

At Hobart’s Hardware, we located the flag aisle, but there were only four flags. We grabbed them all.

When we set the flags, matches and lighter fluid on the counter, Old Man Garth looked suspicious. “What you gonna do with them flags, boys? I won’t tolerate no mischief.”

Otis and I looked at each other. “Memorial day,” I say. “We’re…gonna have a barbecue.”

“Yeah,” added Garth, feeling the need to chime in. “We’re grilling a bald eagle.”

Old Man Garth raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Just as long as you ain’t doin’ nothing to them flags ‘cept waiving them proudly and respectfully.” He rang us up and put everything into a bag.

We drove out to Vets cemetery, drinking the whole way, and parked next to Duffy the caretaker’s lawnmower. There was a crowd of town folk out there standing in the heat listening to an old soldier garble nonsense. Otis and I stripped naked, soaked the flags with lighter fluid, and then lit the little buggers on fire. Holding a flag in each hand, we ran screaming into the crowd waving our patriotic torches while old women and men with canes shuffled for their lives. I tell ya, we never had so much fun in all our days. Even though Otis and I ended up on Death Row as a result of the incident, it is a memory I’ll treasure for the rest of my short life.

Mr. Stupidity goes to Washington

It’s a fact that we are able to take advantage of a relatively small part of our brain. I’ve heard 10 percent, but that’s a number from the archives of conventional wisdom. Regardless, there has always been speculation as to how smart we could become, and how much we could accomplish, if we could use 40 or 60 or 80 percent of our brain power.

I wonder sometimes how far we can go in the opposite direction. How little brain power can a person who is not brain damaged choose to engage. Eight percent? Five percent? I ponder this because, when one observes Republican politicians, it seems conceivable that the number could fall into the negative digits.

Today, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) stood on the Senate floor in front of a large photo of his family and declared, “I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship.”

If this thinking doesn’t fall into the minus category, I don’t what would. I’m sorry, I said “thinking.” This is obviously some other activity.

Of what, specifically, is Inhofe proud? Is he proud that he is not like millions of other American families? Is he proud he’s not a member of Dick Cheney’s family? Is he trying to lord over us the purity of his gene pool?

Everyone groans and rolls their eyes at comparisons of Republicans to Nazis, but I have to say, there is something here that smacks of an Arian purity litmus test. “I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never interbred with a Jew or had any kind of homosexual relationship.”

This is frightening stuff. It couldn’t happen here, but let me be the first to tell you, it has. How can we have fallen so far as to allow this type of homophobic, racist crap to fall from the lips of someone in the Congress of America without retribution? Feingold should beat this idiot with a cane on the Senate floor as a warning to any other representative who dares utter such offensive language.

How much stupidity can we allow to go unchecked?