Tis the season to torch the arguments of your FOX News-watching relatives

As Thanksgiving and Christmas loom closer and closer on the calendar, we’re all preparing for fun-filled family gatherings and…Uncle Al. Almost every family has an Uncle Al, the loud, obnoxious conservative who, after a few cocktails, starts railing against the communist Kenyan guy in the White House and all of the liberal political correctness of the holiday season. He watches FOX News and believes he is hearing the unvarnished truth the leftist media won’t publish.

As my contribution to the family holiday festivities, during the season I will be posting real facts to counter the gibberish of Uncle Al, simple, easy to understand retorts that should (but probably wont) shut dear Al’s pie hole. The first is related to the economy. If Uncle Al starts saying anything like, “Obama’s ruined the economy,” or “Name one good thing Obama’s done,” just pull up the above chart on your iPhone and show it to Al. I guarantee you he won’t like it.

Happy Holidays, Bill O'Reilly.

The Santafication of Christmas

As the Christmas season quickly approaches (well, at Costco it’s been the holiday buying season since September) there seems to be a new trend among super Christians to stop fighting and start merging. For most Christians, Christmas is a nominally religious holiday where friends and family get together, exchange gifts and share a feast. There might be a yearly trip to church, but the emphasis is on gift-giving, gatherings, kids and the magic of Santa.

Uber Christians have always been conflicted by Christmas and have been fighting for decades to put the emphasis more on the birth of Christ than Mr. Claus, but this is corporate America, and it’s been pretty much a losing battle. So the Christ cult leaders are changing tactics. Instead of berating the materialistic aspects of the holiday, they are working hard to find religious justifications for the fun side of the holiday. I call it the Santafication of Christmas.

All of this may have actually begun with Bill O’Reilly’s War on Christmas tirades that have been going on for the past few years. It’s Merry Christmas, Goddamnit, not Happy Holidays. There is no war on Christmas, the Fortune 500 would never allow it, but it may have nonetheless been the spark that lit a fire under Kirk Cameron and Glenn Beck.

Cameron released a movie recently called “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.” Beyond the egomaniacal title is his lonely battle to save the true spirit of Christmas and, at the same time, keep the fun stuff. At a family Christmas gathering, Kirk is confronted with a bah-humbug brother-in-law and proceeds to “save” Christmas with ludicrous historical inaccuracies surrounding Christmas traditions so that somehow, it’s all about Christ again. It probably goes without saying that movie critics have given it a universal thumbs down and it’s at rock bottom on Rotten Tomatoes and still falling.

Where Cameron’s effort is pretty straightforward, Glenn Beck takes the Christmas train into Crazyland. Beck’s movie company is releasing a film called The Immortal. Now bear with me here. In the movie, “Santa” is a conflicted superhero/hunter/warrior who is immortal, lives to see Jesus crucified, is converted by the Sermon on the Mount, serves as a bodyguard for Jesus, then, a thousand years or so later, befriends and mentors a kid named St. Nicholas.

That’s a lot of insanity to absorb, so I’ll give you a minute…. The Santafication of Christmas is essentially an attempt by Super Christians to have their cake and eat it too. They’ve had to concede that Christmas is just too darn fun and economically important to stop, so they are now putting their efforts into merging Jesus and Santa together into one holly Jolly messiah.

What's in a name? Ask Jesus Christ O'Reilly

Conservative talk show host, author, and defender of Christmas Bill O’Reilly announced today that he is legally changing his first name to Jesus Christ.

“I’m just sick and tired of all of the equivocation and trepidation when it comes to saying ‘Jesus’ out loud anywhere but a church. We’re a Christian nation with a Christian heritage and if Jesus came back today, there is no doubt in my mind he would stop in America first. He has an open invitation to be on my show, by the way. So my new moniker will force the weak and the timid to speak the Son of God’s name out loud.”

Christian leaders from around the nation expressed mixed reactions to O’Reilly’s new name. The Reverend Charles Griffin, who leads a congregation of thousands at the Our Savior Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, expressed the views of many protestant clergy.

“Blasphemy. The man has gone insane. There is only one Jesus Christ, and Bill O’Reilly ain’t him.”

However, televangelist Pat Robertson feels O’Reilly is advancing the cause of Christianity.

“Think how many people will now utter the name Jesus Christ and not be swearing. I would like to see more people change their names to Biblical ones. I’m seriously considering becoming Nebuchadnezzar Robertson.”

The Vatican minced no words in a memo condemning O’Reilly, calling him, “…a dangerous buffoon and a heretic.”

Callers to O’Reilly’s talk show, The O’Reilly Factor, have also been split. Although many callers used long strings of profanity, some, like Mildred from Omaha, applauded the change. “I know Jesus is pleased because we had breakfast together today and he told me how proud he was of Mr. O’Reilly.”

O’Reilly is also working on a new book entitled, “What Would I Do?”

Christmas gift ideas for George Bush

A new watch to help him tell time…as in, it’s time to leave Iraq. It’s time to stop going with your gut. It’s time to listen to people who are smarter than you (this would include most Americans).

A shovel and hip boots

A heart transplant

A six-week stay at the Baghdad Hilton

A subpoena

EFL (English as a First Language) lessons

One-way ticket to Paraguay

A bicycle with training wheels

A subscription to “Out” magazine