New poll says FOX News is the most trusted news coverage in America

As if we needed any further evidence that the end times for America are nigh, results of a poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that FOX News provides the most trusted news coverage among cable and broadcast news programs.

If you’re like me, you just spit coffee all over your laptop. Only slightly reassuring is the fact that the results run along partisan lines, with 58% of Republicans and 25% of Independents voting for FOX, while Democrats heavily favored CNN and only 3% voted for FOX News.

Still, this is messed up. How are there so many people willing to admit they trust FOX News? FOX News isn’t even news! It’s the right-wing propaganda channel. Its viewers are consistently at rock bottom on the scale of best-informed audiences for news shows. There are libraries filled with the lies, half-truths and distortions that FOX News barfs out on a daily basis. Why in the name of all that is holy would anyone rely on FOX for their news?

Maybe this is an Onion piece that slipped through the cracks. I don’t know anyone who would watch FOX News for anything other than a good laugh. John Stewart just finished up a 14-year career exposing the lies of FOX News night after night after night.

Excuse me while I curl up into a tight ball and cry myself to sleep.

Rumors here. Get your red hot Obama rumors here.

Republicans really, really want to impeach Obama. The problem is, they can’t decide on what to impeach him for. Being black isn’t going to get out of the starting gate. Being born in Hawaii seems un-American, but apparently, it’s not. He’s hiding something. Everyone knows it, but what? We need an Edward Snowden in the White House, a patriotic American who will finally pull back the curtain and expose the President for what he is, whatever that might be.

Meanwhile, we have the rumor mill. This is the conservative fantasy land where fevered dreams about Obama can be let loose to be repeated on FOX as fact. Here are a few of the latest that I give as a gift to frustrated Republicans:

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is Obama’s half-brother.

Obama routinely flies Kenyan relatives to Washington D.C. to attend raves in the White House basement.

Obama gives copies of Mein Kampf as Christmas gifts.

Obama has a live video feed to a secret room in the White House where kittens are tortured.

Obama is about to issue an executive order making it legal to hunt white Christians.

An anonymous whistleblower claims to have been in a meeting with Obama where he shape-shifted into a reptile, Karl Marx and Elizabeth Taylor.

Obama will occasionally slip out of the White House at night and perform at local clubs as his alter ego, rapper Commander Bro.

Obama is about to suspend the Constitution, declare martial law and make narwhal tattoos mandatory.