Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Romney Issues Treats Only For Those Who Sign Pledge


CLEVELAND, OHIO – The Romney’s are preparing for Halloween with candy and a document they call The Parent’s Pledge. According to an anonymous campaign spokesperson, the Romney’s will pass out candy only to Trick or Treaters who sign the pledge promising that their parent’s will vote for the Republican presidential candidate.

“Children have to learn early that there are certain responsibilities related to receiving treats,” said the spokesperson. “Mr. Romney does not believe that children should expect a handout simply because it’s Halloween. Signing the pledge is an incentive, the kids earn their reward, and we believe that this approach results in more responsible Trick or Treaters.”

A new ad scheduled to appear in swing states today is already being assailed by Democrats as false and misleading. The ad shows Trick or Treaters ringing the doorbell of the White House. A man resembling President Obama answers the door and hands out candy bars that are clearly embedded with nails, razors and glass shards. As the children leave, the Obama stand in is seen laughing maniacally in the doorway.

In response to the Democrat’s complaint, the Romney campaign insisted this was based on eyewitness accounts of Halloween’s from the previous three years, although they would not provide any affidavits or documentation related to this charge. “It’s common knowledge in DC,” said the Romney spokesperson, referring reporters to a recent Rush Limbaugh radio show segment for further details.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Trump: Frankenstorm is Obama Creation


A BUNKER IN THE HAMPTONS - At a news conference held this morning, Donald Trump claimed to have incontrovertible proof that the Obama administration was responsible for the mega-storm now pummeling the East Coast of the United States.

“This is a calculated dirty trick by the President’s campaign to try and make Obama look “presidential” during a crisis,” said Trump. “Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. I will produce hard evidence that members of the Obama team seeded a relatively mild Atlantic hurricane with scientifically altered pellets to intensify the magnitude of the storm.”

Asked why he could not produce the evidence now, Trump responded with a sneer. “I’m not playing the “gotcha” game, okay? Right now, I’m having the best scientists in the world analyze the seeds. Tomorrow I’ll have their report. Oh yeah. Weren’t ready for that one, were you?”

Trump became visibly agitated when two of the three reporters covering the news conference left the event early. “Get back here,” he shouted. “I paid you to sit and listen, Goddamn it.”

Following the news conference, Trump’s claims were discussed on several FOX News programs, with Bill O’Reilly claiming that Trump’s credibility alone should be enough to lead to a Congressional investigation. “No one can dispute’s Donald’s veracity and dedication to the truth. If he says he has proof of a conspiracy, that’s good enough for me.”

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mainstream Myopia


The mainstream news media’s critique of the presidential debates is a lot like hiring a fashion designer to judge a prizefight. Points go to the trendiest trunks, best hair and most chiseled abs, not to the person who lands the most punches.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Making shit up


Political campaigning in 2012:

Paul Ryan’s team bullied their way into the Mahoning County, Ohio St. Vincent De Paul Society without permission. Ryan then tied aprons on himself and his family and proceeded to wash two pans that were already clean while cameras clicked and video ran. Five minutes later everyone left.

Now that's integrity in action.

Friday, October 12, 2012

What the hell?


Rejected by the Church of Satan. What could be more humiliating than that? Was this guy too good?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Reality vs. the Bottom Line


Writing for Media Matters today, Simon Maloy skewers conservative pundits for creating a fictional Obama “…who has governed as a left-wing ideologue while shutting out the GOP from the political process.” This is certainly not a new meme, as Fox News and its surrogates have been promulgating this ridiculous, but effective, characterization since Obama was sworn into office almost four years ago.

The question is, why does this outrageous lie seem so plausible to a large slice of the voting public? It is not based on anything close to reality. Obama’s record as President reflects that of a very moderate, centrist Democrat, far closer to the middle of the political spectrum than many in his own party. On defense, one could argue that he’s as hawkish as Bush, as we continue our involvement in wars and offensive military actions in hot spots around the world. As for shutting out the GOP, nothing could farther from the truth. As details have emerged from the 2011 budget talks, it’s clear that Obama was willing to trade his Democratic soul to Republicans for a deal, but even that wasn’t enough for the ideological puppets of the Tea Party.

From my perspective, the culprit is the mainstream press. The pattern is consistent and predictable: Far-Right haters from FOX News and other sources catapult a lie about Obama and it begins to make the rounds of the conservative noise machine—talk radio, blogs, online zines. Then it seeps into the editorial pages of mainstream papers thanks to people like David Brooks, Thomas Sowell and George Will. Before you can say Rupert Murdoch, it’s being discussed on Sunday news programs and morning talk shows, bringing it finally into the realm of “real” political discourse.

What doesn’t happen is this: A point-by-point take down of the lie by those in a position to do so in the mainstream press. I’m not talking about The New Yorker or an occasional PBS program. I’m talking about the network news programs, USA Today, CNN, and local news programs — the points along the spectrum where most people get their news. Why? News in America is a business, and like any other business, the bottom line is profit. You can’t run a profitable news business if you piss off large numbers of viewers or readers. Hence, if the truth has a liberal bias, bye-bye truth. Who needs government censorship when the market place does the work for you?

Despite the fact that Obama has shown himself to be very sympathetic to the desires of corporate American, the 1% like Romney better, and their concerns are reflected in the ongoing demonization of the President as a crazed leftist bent on turning American into a socialist utopia. When reality bumps up against the bottom line, there’s only going to be one winner.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Crazy Shit Republicans Say, Part II


“The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21.”
- from “God’s Law,” written by Republican candidate for the Arkansas House of Representatives Charlie Fuqua (He also wants to expel all Muslims from the U.S.)

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior."

You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says.”
Republican Congressman Paul Broun, member of the House Science Committee.

“I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too, but I'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm going to stop the subsidy to PBS.”
Mitt Romney to Jim Leher at the first presidential debate.

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise." He also believes that African-Americans were better off than they would have been had they not been captured and shipped to the United States.
Republican State Representative Jon Hubbard, Arkansas

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Whaaa...?

President Obama debated Henry F. Potter last night...

...and Lost!

Monday, October 01, 2012

Debate This!


The presidential debates are coming up. There will be the usual dry questions about the economy, national defense, Wall Street, blah, blah, blah. Answers will be stilted, overly general and thoroughly unremarkable. We will learn virtually nothing about the candidates that we didn’t already know.

I would like to change the debate dynamics, and I offer a number of scientifically created questions guaranteed to shake things up and result in candid and revealing answers. You can bet the farm that neither candidate will have a prepared answer for any of these questions.

So, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, please provide answers to the following questions.

·      Boxers, briefs or a thong?

·      Who would win in a bar fight between Lindsey Lohan and Justine Beiber?

·      Unicorns: Yes or No?

·      If you were President of the United States…oh wait. One of you is that. Never mind.

·      A train leaves Cleveland at three o’clock. A second train leaves Cincinnati at three thirty. They are on the same track. How long will it take before FOX News runs the video of the wreck and subsequent carnage?

·      My first order of business as the newly elected President will be to:
o   Install garden gnomes on the White House grounds.
o   Give myself a raise.
o   Go to Disney World.
o   Fap in the Oval Office.
o   Meet with the aliens we have hidden under an air force base in Ohio.
o   Start a war with Albania.
o   Text all of my loser high school friends and tell them they are on a watch list.

·      Who would be your first choice for a National Medal of Honor?
o   Pamela Anderson
o   Flavor Flav
o   Charles Manson
o   Danny Bonaduce
o   Maggie Simpson

·      Chevy or Ford?
·      Favorite porn star?
·      Deal or no deal?
·      If you were ordering your last meal, what would it be?
o   Cheerios and a hot dog
o   A bag of White Castle sliders
o   Beef Jerky smothered in gravy
o   Ramon noodles
o   Pop Tarts

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Christmas Shopping Level: Done

Poop Hats for everyone!!!

Thank You, Occupy


I don’t know what the ultimate fate of the Occupy movement will be, but it can already take credit for one achievement that is having a profound effect on this presidential election. During its short but fateful “fifteen minutes of fame,” Occupy was able to bring into the national discussion the obscene disparities in wealth and opportunity between the 99% and the 1%.  The numbers continue to pop up in news stories across the political spectrum, and continue to elicit debate around the gross inequality that exists between the tiny percentage of the rich “haves” and the rest of us.

The timing and impact of the 1 vs. 99 paradigm couldn’t have been more important. Why? Because right at this point in history we have a presidential candidate in Mitt Romney who represents everything wrong and repulsive with the wealthy elite in America, and he is on public display for everyone to see. The arrogance, hubris, greed, sense of entitlement, and total lack of empathy is laid bare for voters on a daily basis. Mitt only needs to open his mouth to expose his elitist, pompous attitude. Behind the fifties TV dad good looks is a vile Gollum-like creature with no soul who’s only desire is making and keeping his precious wealth.

 So thank you Occupy. Were it not for you, voters would have had a much more difficult time seeing the real Mitt Romney and what he actually stands for, which is more for the 1% and less for the 99%.   

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Conservatives:


Forever trying to pound the square peg of ideology into the round hole of reality.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Crazy Talk

This presidential campaign cycle has already established itself as noteworthy for exposing the insanely extremist, racist, ill-informed attitudes now prevalent within the Republican Party. Although code words are still used in abundance as they were in the past (welfare=blacks, elites=liberals, values= white Christian values), today’s Republicans are not too shy (or sensible enough) to hide their true beliefs under a bushel basket.

Here is a collection of just a few of the more notable and notorious quotes from Republicans during our current race for the White House. And it ain’t over yet, folks.

"We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side."
Rick Santorum

"From what I understand from doctors, that's really rare (pregnancy caused by rape).  If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.)

Knowledge-Based Education - We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student's fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority."
From the Texas Republican 2012 platform

"Corporations are people, my friend…of course they are.”
Mitt Romney

“I’m not concerned about the very poor, we have a safety net there, if we need to repair, I’ll fix it. I’m not concerned about the very rich, they’re doing just fine. I’m concerned about the very heart of
America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who are struggling, and I’ll continue to take that message across the country.”

Mitt Romney

“Juarez (Mexico) is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.”
Rick Perry

“Let Detroit go bankrupt.”

Mitt Romney

“Don’t try to stop the foreclosure process. Let it run its course and hit the bottom.”

Mitt Romney

“Planned Parenthood, we’re going to get rid of that.”

Mitt Romney

“I don’t care what the unemployment rate’s going to be. Doesn’t matter to me. My campaign doesn’t hinge on unemployment rates and growth rates.”

Rick Santorum

“I don’t care what fact check says. The President’s apologizing for the American position. That’s the apology tour.”
Rep. Peter King (R-NY)

“The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument.”
Newt Gingrich



Tuesday, September 11, 2012

New revelations about the 9/11 attacks


On this anniversary of 9/11, there is an article in today’s New York Times revealing new evidence that the Bush Administration was warned on numerous occasions prior to 9/11 that terrorists were planning a major assault on American soil. The Bush people only turned over one briefing from the CIA discussing an imminent attack to the 9/11 Commission — the infamous “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.” memo — but the author of the Times article has seen a number of other classified terrorist warnings issued by intelligence sources, some with a sense of urgency that is alarming.

Many 9/11 conspiracy theories are ridiculous in their intricacy and absurd levels of involvement, but I am one who does not believe the 9/11 Commission did a thorough or credible job of getting at the truth behind the horrible events that happened in Manhattan 11 years ago today, and the Times article bears this view out. While there may not have been an active government conspiracy behind the plane attacks, we are now learning that the Bush Administration was not being truthful about the level or number of warnings issued prior to the events of that day. That’s not tinfoil hat Illuminati ravings, but the cold hard truth.

There are only two conclusions to be drawn from this new information. The first, and the most likely, is that the level of incompetence in the Bush Administration was even higher than we imagined. The author of the article attempts to analyze what might have been going through the minds of officials who were privy to the briefings and did nothing, but the lack of action to the dire warnings of the CIA is emblematic of an Administration shackled by ideological blinders, cronyism and a world-view at odds with reality (remember hurricane Katrina).

The second conclusion is definitely more cynical, but not out of the realm of possibility. Based on what we know of Bush and company’s pathological hatred of Saddam Hussein, it is possible that there were members of the Administration who were looking for an excuse to invade Iraq, and understood that a terrorist attack could provide just the right cover story. Perhaps the inaction of the Bushies was not incompetence, but a calculated strategy for propelling us into war with the despised dictator.

We may never know exactly what happened in the run up to the 9/11 tragedy, but today’s Times article makes it clear to me that there is still more to learn about that fateful day. 

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Thanks, Target

Found this on Reddit and couldn't resist.


Friday, August 31, 2012

Cut Clint Some Slack

Okay, I have received word from reliable Hollywood sources that Eastwood's Convention speech last night wasn't as odd as it seemed. He thought he was auditioning for a revival of Harvey on Broadway.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ryan’s Hope: Reality is What I Say it Is


Paul Ryan’s lies and misstatements during his speech at the Republican Convention last night bring up an interesting existential question about the nature of “reality.” Is there more than one reality? Can you claim your own reality in a world where the facts say otherwise? Aren’t people who do that considered mentally ill (or politicians. Take your pick)?

Many of us remember a quote from an anonymous source in the Bush Administration early in W’s tenure who said, "We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."

Ryan and Romney and their surrogates seem to have taken this philosophy to heart. Just a few days ago, a pollster for Romney responded to accusations from a variety of sources that the Republican candidate’s campaign ads were factually wrong by saying, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.”

So facts be damned, apparently. Ryan’s not a stupid man. He must know that he is spewing lies and misstatements about Obama. Has he convinced himself that they are not lies or, more likely, he, like many Messianic Republicans, believes that the ends justify the means. Lies and distortions in the name of a greater good are acceptable. Sounds kind of cult-like to me.

I just don’t know how we can ever solve the pressing issues we face as a country when we can’t even agree on the very nature of “reality.” It’s one thing to say, “I disagree with your approach to dealing with global warming,” but when one side doesn’t even acknowledge the reality of man-made global warming, finding solutions is nearly impossible.

Yes, there is some truth to the argument that both sides do it, but in my sixty years I’ve never seen anything like the egregious and even contemptuous distortions of reality exhibited by today’s Republicans. When the mainstream press starts calling you out for lying, it must be pretty damned blatant. Is it a sign of desperation? Or do they really believe they can create their own reality? Stay tuned.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Where's George?


The theme of the Republican National Convention, “We built that,” which is based on a blatant misrepresentation of an Obama statement, should be, “We tried that.”

Conspicuously absent from the speeches up to this point is any mention of two-term president George W. Bush. What’s up with that? Bush implemented many of the policies and plans being pushed by Romney and company today: A tough, shoot-first-ask-questions-later foreign policy, tax cuts for the wealthy, more privatization, more money for the war on drugs, an ongoing assault on public education, using war as a foreign policy tool rather than an act of last resort, more government secrecy, the use of torture, etc., etc. Many of the policies that Romney now champions were already tried by Bush. So why the Bush blackout? Because the Bush presidency was a miserable failure.

Bush took an economic surplus from Clinton and turned it into a black pit of debt eight years later with tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and unlimited defense spending. His tough Texas cowboy personae got us into two wars that we continue to pay for with young people’s lives and enormous amounts of taxpayer dollars. The war on drugs is acknowledged by virtually everyone outside of Washington as a disaster that is causing much more harm than it is preventing, not to mention billions of dollars annually.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Why on God’s green earth would we want a repeat of the Bush years? Folks, we tried it, and it didn’t work. Please, don’t make us go through it again.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Rep. Todd Akin wants to party like it’s 1799


Are we on the verge of our own American Dark Ages? We now have a major political party, one of only two allowed to exist within our deliberately constrained process of elections, that turns its back on science and rational thinking. Hijacked philosophically by the Tea Party and conservative Christians and funded by corporate America (that has its own agenda), the Republican Party has abandoned reality for a patchwork quilt of religious dogma, superstition, pseudo science and wishful thinking. The result is a continuous barrage of jaw dropping, astonishingly stupid statements not confined to the paid bloviaters of talk radio, but now bubbling up through the sludge to our elected officials sitting in leadership positions in the legislative branch of government. The latest comes from Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.), who claimed in a television interview that victims of "legitimate rape" rarely get pregnant.

"From what I understand from doctors, that's really rare," said Akin said of pregnancy caused by rape. "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let's assume maybe that didn't work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist."

While some might assume that such a ridiculous notion was pulled from thin air (so thin it resulted in a lack of oxygen to the brain), research by blogger Justine Larbalestier reveals that Akins belief is actually grounded in historical precedent. In fact, it reflects a long-debunked eighteenth century assertion based on nothing more than biased male conventional wisdom.

Larbalestier pulls this section from Thomas Laqueur’s book “Making Sex:”

Samuel Farr, in the first legal-medicine text to be written in English (1785), argued that, “without an excitation of lust, or enjoyment in the venereal act, no conception can probably take place.” Whatever a woman might claim to have felt or whatever resistance she might have put up, conception in itself betrayed desire or at least a sufficient measure of acquiescence for her to enjoy the venereal act. This is a very old argument. Soranus had said in second-century Rome that “if some women who were forced to have intercourse conceived . . . the emotion of sexual appetite existed in them too, but was obscured by mental resolve,” and no one before the second half of the eighteenth century or early nineteenth century question the physiological basis of this judgment. The 1756 edition of Burn’s Justice of the Peace, the standard guide for English magistrates, cites authorities back to the Institutes of Justinian to the effect that “a woman can not conceive unless she doth consent.” It does, however, go on to point out that as matter of law, if not of biology, this doctrine is dubious. Another writer argued that pregnancy ought to be taken as proof of acquiescence since the fear, terror, and aversion that accompany a true rape would prevent an orgasm from occurring and thus make conception unlikely.

So we, the voters, are handing the levers of governance to individuals whose belief systems are rooted in an era when female hysteria was a common diagnosis and masturbation was considered a serious public health threat. In other words, we are rewarding stupidity rather than relegating it to obscurity. America has long had a strain of anti-intellectualism, but we are carrying that regressive notion even further by electing officials who vocally denounce science (climate-change deniers) and revel in their superstitious beliefs.

It’s maddening that the society that put the first person on the moon is now electing people who want to dismantle public education and replace it with Taliban-style religious indoctrination. People like Akin (and Bachmann, Ryan, Cantor, Pence and so many others) are attacking the very things that made this country the envy of the world at one time. Not anymore. Today we are in the midst of America’s decline, which is being funded by corporate America and abetted by a misinformed, fearful public.

Ironically, the eighteenth century was the height of the Enlightenment, while in America, the twenty-first century heralds a new Dark Ages.

Late for work. Now where did I put my powdered wig and snuff box?