The Obama Conspiracy Game

Tired of trying to look busy at work? Need a break from online shopping? Bored with eavesdropping on your cubemate’s personal phone calls?

It’s time to play the Obama Conspiracy game.

It’s easy. Just pick the one answer in each category that is NOT a genuine conspiracy being promoted by the delusional, fear-fueled conservative noise machine. Yay. And as a bonus, feel free to claim the as yet virgin conspiracy theory as your own and spread it far and wide on the Internet. You might just get interviewed by Glenn Beck!

Good luck!

1.

Obama’s shady background:

a.      Was a Black Panther

b.     Is the son of Malcolm X

c.      Was secretly married to a Pakistani man

d.     Learned Klingon before English

e.      Was born in Kenya

f.       His mother and father were communists

2.

Obama’s real politics:

a.      He’s a socialist and/or a Marxist

b.     Is owned by the Muslim Brotherhood

c.      Placed his hand on a copy of Mein Kampf instead of the bible during swearing in ceremony

d.     Once aided the mujahideen

e.      Refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance

3.

Obama the person:

a.      Is gay

b.     Can’t speak in public without a teleprompter

c.      Used hypnosis and subliminal messages to win votes

d.     Lost his U.S. citizenship

e.      Wears a ring with a Koranic verse on it

f.       Is Muslim

g.      Has a tattoo of Stalin’s face on his right buttock

4.

Obama’s long reach:

a.      Caused the BP oil spill

b.     Personally caused Hurricane Sandy

c.      Faked Bin Laden’s death

d.     Secretly trained to overthrow the U.S. government

e.      Is going to bring 100 million Muslim’s to the U.S.

f.       Responsible for the 2011 Japanese tsunami

5.

Obama the criminal:

a.      Had Andrew Breitbart killed

b.     Served time in a Russian prison for child trafficking

c.      Was behind the Aurora, Colorado massacre

d.     Was part of a cocaine/gay sex/murder/orgy cover up

e.      Ran campaigns that were funded by drug money

6.

Obama’s plans for the future:

a.      He will fake an assassination attempt to institute martial law

b.     Has plans for a third term in office

c.      Wants to outlaw Christmas and Easter

d.     Is coming to take your gold

e.      Will put your children in youth reeducation camps

1 d, 2 c, 3 g, 4 f, 5 b, 6 c

The Burger Wars Get Ugly

A photo from the latest in a string of Burger King fires.

Happy Thanksgiving

Time For Some Outrage

What is more undemocratic, more un-American than trying to steal an election? For a moment, forget about Citizens United and negative political ads and the truckloads of money spent on presidential campaigns. These are all serious issues, but even these pale in comparison when measured against outright theft, or the attempted theft, of an election.

I’ve known about the problems inherent in electronic voting machines for years, but after reading Anonymous, Karl Rove and 2012 Election Fix? by Thom Hartmann and Sam Sacks at Truthout, I’m convinced that someone in the federal government should be investigating the activities of Karl Rove and his minions and their connections to SMARTech.

The evidence against Rove is circumstantial at this point, but very compelling and warrants deeper investigation. We Americans send poll watchers to various countries around the world to help verify the legitimacy of their elections, while our own results are highly suspect. There are a lot of things related to U.S. political campaigns that should elicit outrage, but none more so than the attempted theft of an election. We can’t allow this to happen.

Romney: Why I Lost. Really.

Yesterday, That’s Going Too Far! was sent a copy of confidential notes that were taken during a meeting held by Romney’s top campaign consultants the morning after last weeks election results were known. The free wheeling brainstorm meeting was held to discuss Romney’s reaction to the loss. As we now know, the winning excuse was that Obama bribed voters to support him with government “gifts.” Here are some alternative responses that were apparently considered but rejected by Romney.

1. I was the victim of a liberal media/Jewish/NWO/ socialist/ACORN conspiracy.
2. Obama used secret Kenyan mind control techniques his father taught him.
3. Mysterious “smart people” showed up at polling places in traditionally “dumb” precincts.
4. White people were afraid that if they didn’t vote for Obama, he’d come to their houses and beat them and rape their women.
5. I was tricked into debates where questions about politics were asked.
6. My Mormon underwear was in the dirty laundry on Tuesday.
7. Electronic voting machines worked the way they were supposed to.
8. Michael Brown sent me an email on the eve of the election that said, “Don’t worry, Mitt. I’ve got everything under control.”
9. I was having an affair with David Petraeus.
10. I was just too brutally honest, and people couldn’t handle the truth.

Please welcome the newest third-world country: Texas

Secession is today’s word. Since Obama’s victory last week, some 30 states have petitions out to secede from the United States. Although I don’t really understand this, apparently Texas has enough signatures on its petition that it now requires some kind of official response from the White House. Here is the response I wish President Obama would give:

Dear citizens of the great state of Texas,

Your petition to secede from the United States of America is granted. Please turn off all the lights before you leave, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Sincerely,

Barack Obama

President of the United States

Friday funny...for cat people

America Beats Back the Haters

One additional thought on Obama’s victory Tuesday night.

The efforts to unseat the President began much earlier than the night Mitt Romney was chosen by Republicans to run for America’s highest office on their behalf. It began the moment Obama was declared the winner in the 2008 election. On that night, someone at FOX News went to the basement and turned a key, and the hate machine sputtered to life. Fueled by the Right Wing media, the Tea Party, Christian Evangelicals, panicky billionaires, cranky old racist white guys, the Supreme Court, the NRA, conservative politicians, and an ill informed, easily manipulated slice of the electorate, and abetted by the mainstream media, the machine began cranking out bile and bunk by the truckload, painting Obama as a socialist, Kenyan, Muslim, American apologist, liar, ineffective leader, communist, Manchurian Candidate, racist, radical and enemy of true Americans.

Billions of dollars, hours and words were spent on spreading Obama hatred throughout every corner of the country. It was organized and incessant, without a day going by when we didn’t hear a new incendiary charge from Limbaugh or Beck or Brooks or Trump. Anti-Obama movies and documentaries were made. Books were written. The Right Wing megaphone gave us hour by hour headlines — fake birth certificate, born in Kenya, apology tour, pals around with socialists, Benghazi, hates American values, sympathizes with Muslims, wants our enemies to win — the list was endless. And the mainstream media, instead of repudiating the vile stream of lies, obliged its corporate masters by either burying its head in the sand or playing the “one-side-says-this-the-other-side-says-that” game, so as not to alienate any particular demographic. The news, after all, is a profit-driven venture.

And what do they have to show for what has to be the longest, most expensive ongoing propaganda campaign in the history of a democracy? Nothing. Zip. It didn’t work. Obama won reelection despite their best efforts. The merchants of hate are now shaking their heads in disbelief. How could this happen? How can we have failed? One reason was that as time went on, conservatives started to believe that the fantasy world they had created was, in fact, reality. They believed their own lies and ended up conning themselves.

Obama’s victory was noteworthy on many levels, but none is as important as the national repudiation of the power of America’s hate mongers, racists, misogynists, bigots and liars. Obama not only won reelection, but they lost. Big time.

Fed up with liberal America? Your new Eden awaits you.

A lot of conservatives are really, really upset that Obama won reelection, and there have been more than a few overwrought conservative bloggers and pundits threatening to leave the United States. My first reaction is, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” but then I wondered where on this planet would they go? Who would welcome our Calvinist Wingnuts into their communities?

Canada? Although our giant neighbor to the north has listed to the political right in recent years, it still has a long history of experimenting with socialism and openness that I think would make many of our gun-toting evangelical Tea Baggers uncomfortable. Latin or South America? Lazy brown people with tainted drinking water. Africa? Hahahahahahah. Australia? There’s a possibility. Oh wait. They have compulsory voting, universal healthcare, no death penalty, evolution is taught in schools and the PM is a female, unmarried atheist. Not working for us. Europe? Ground zero of the secular, socialist, one world government experiment? Don’t think so. Russia? Nyet. Let’s just check Asia off of our list right now.

Okay, what does that leave? Ah, right. There is one part of the world that might work. Women are second-class citizens. Check. Religion dominates all aspects of society. Check. Guns and other weapons are prevalent and easy to obtain. Check. Men dominate government and dictate laws. Check.

Welcome, evangelical Americans. Welcome to the one part of the world where you will feel completely comfortable and at home: The Middle East.

Election Reflections

It was touch and go early in the evening, but ended up being a great night. It was wonderful going to sleep knowing that Obama had been reelected. The only fly in the ointment was Michelle Bachmann winning reelection. How can we live in such a blue state and still have a representative as loony as Bachmann representing us? Oh well. All in all the election results were positive for Minnesota and the nation.

However, I was reminded last night of why I don’t watch the mainstream news anymore. As Obama’s victory came into clearer focus during the evening, pundits (I’m not even sure which channel I was watching) went on and on about how this wasn’t a mandate and that the President was now obliged to reach across the aisle to Republicans and be humble and willing to negotiate and blah, blah, blah. Bullshit.

The one and only reason why a grand budget deal was not reached between Congressional Republicans and the President in 2010 is that Republicans were hoping this would be considered a failure for the President, which would then be used to help Romney win the Presidency. Obama was willing to give away one of his daughters to reach a deal, but Republicans put politics above the good of the country and rejected everything Obama put forward.

Now that he doesn’t have to worry about another election, Obama could and should stand firm. It’s time for Republicans in Congress to get off their ideological merry-go-round and start getting serious about helping the American economy recover. Even though the economic recovery has not been strong and there are still millions of Americans hurting financially, the country rejected Romney’s ridiculous non-solution of lowering the taxes of the wealthiest individuals and raising taxes on the rest of us. The President needs to use this as leverage in future negotiations.

Once again liberals and progressives went to the voting booths to support Obama. His first four years were disappointing in a number of ways, but we continue to hold out hope that we’ll see the Obama who promised change in 2008 actually emerge from behind the curtain and make turn that promise into reality.

No one will know

Please Vote Tuesday

Thankfully, tomorrow marks the end of the 2012 Presidential campaign. The 2016 campaign begins on Wednesday, so you have a whole 24 hours to rest up. Tomorrow will also determine whether we completely turn over the reigns of our country to corporate America, or we fight to wrest control from the elite for at least another four years.

Don’t get me wrong. For Obama, the slogan “change” means putting on a fresh pair of underwear in the morning, not a general shift in the status quo on Wall Street or anywhere else for that matter. But it also doesn’t mean hoisting the corporate flags of General Electric, Haliburton and Monsanto over the White House, as Romney would do on day one.

Obama is the lesser of two evils, unfortunately. My only hope is that because he is not facing an election in four years, he might tack to the left during his remaining time, but I’m certainly not holding my breath. The fact that this race is even close is a devastating critique of the failure of the mainstream press in America to inform voters on the distinctions between the two candidates. Romney and Ryan have been lying and spinning 24-7 since the campaign began, and they continue to do so up to the last minute. Will they be rewarded for this? Let’s hope not.

Make sure and vote tomorrow. It matters. 

Romney Issues Treats Only For Those Who Sign Pledge

CLEVELAND, OHIO – The Romney’s are preparing for Halloween with candy and a document they call The Parent’s Pledge. According to an anonymous campaign spokesperson, the Romney’s will pass out candy only to Trick or Treaters who sign the pledge promising that their parent’s will vote for the Republican presidential candidate.

“Children have to learn early that there are certain responsibilities related to receiving treats,” said the spokesperson. “Mr. Romney does not believe that children should expect a handout simply because it’s Halloween. Signing the pledge is an incentive, the kids earn their reward, and we believe that this approach results in more responsible Trick or Treaters.”

A new ad scheduled to appear in swing states today is already being assailed by Democrats as false and misleading. The ad shows Trick or Treaters ringing the doorbell of the White House. A man resembling President Obama answers the door and hands out candy bars that are clearly embedded with nails, razors and glass shards. As the children leave, the Obama stand in is seen laughing maniacally in the doorway.

In response to the Democrat’s complaint, the Romney campaign insisted this was based on eyewitness accounts of Halloween’s from the previous three years, although they would not provide any affidavits or documentation related to this charge. “It’s common knowledge in DC,” said the Romney spokesperson, referring reporters to a recent Rush Limbaugh radio show segment for further details.

Trump: Frankenstorm is Obama Creation

A BUNKER IN THE HAMPTONS - At a news conference held this morning, Donald Trump claimed to have incontrovertible proof that the Obama administration was responsible for the mega-storm now pummeling the East Coast of the United States.

“This is a calculated dirty trick by the President’s campaign to try and make Obama look “presidential” during a crisis,” said Trump. “Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. I will produce hard evidence that members of the Obama team seeded a relatively mild Atlantic hurricane with scientifically altered pellets to intensify the magnitude of the storm.”

Asked why he could not produce the evidence now, Trump responded with a sneer. “I’m not playing the “gotcha” game, okay? Right now, I’m having the best scientists in the world analyze the seeds. Tomorrow I’ll have their report. Oh yeah. Weren’t ready for that one, were you?”

Trump became visibly agitated when two of the three reporters covering the news conference left the event early. “Get back here,” he shouted. “I paid you to sit and listen, Goddamn it.”

Following the news conference, Trump’s claims were discussed on several FOX News programs, with Bill O’Reilly claiming that Trump’s credibility alone should be enough to lead to a Congressional investigation. “No one can dispute’s Donald’s veracity and dedication to the truth. If he says he has proof of a conspiracy, that’s good enough for me.”

Today's Headline: Polls Remain Tight

Mainstream Myopia

The mainstream news media’s critique of the presidential debates is a lot like hiring a fashion designer to judge a prizefight. Points go to the trendiest trunks, best hair and most chiseled abs, not to the person who lands the most punches.

Making shit up

Political campaigning in 2012:

Paul Ryan’s team bullied their way into the Mahoning County, Ohio St. Vincent De Paul Society without permission. Ryan then tied aprons on himself and his family and proceeded to wash two pans that were already clean while cameras clicked and video ran. Five minutes later everyone left.

Now that's integrity in action.

What the hell?

Rejected by the Church of Satan. What could be more humiliating than that? Was this guy too good?

Reality vs. the Bottom Line

Writing for Media Matters today, Simon Maloy skewers conservative pundits for creating a fictional Obama “…who has governed as a left-wing ideologue while shutting out the GOP from the political process.” This is certainly not a new meme, as Fox News and its surrogates have been promulgating this ridiculous, but effective, characterization since Obama was sworn into office almost four years ago.

The question is, why does this outrageous lie seem so plausible to a large slice of the voting public? It is not based on anything close to reality. Obama’s record as President reflects that of a very moderate, centrist Democrat, far closer to the middle of the political spectrum than many in his own party. On defense, one could argue that he’s as hawkish as Bush, as we continue our involvement in wars and offensive military actions in hot spots around the world. As for shutting out the GOP, nothing could farther from the truth. As details have emerged from the 2011 budget talks, it’s clear that Obama was willing to trade his Democratic soul to Republicans for a deal, but even that wasn’t enough for the ideological puppets of the Tea Party.

From my perspective, the culprit is the mainstream press. The pattern is consistent and predictable: Far-Right haters from FOX News and other sources catapult a lie about Obama and it begins to make the rounds of the conservative noise machine—talk radio, blogs, online zines. Then it seeps into the editorial pages of mainstream papers thanks to people like David Brooks, Thomas Sowell and George Will. Before you can say Rupert Murdoch, it’s being discussed on Sunday news programs and morning talk shows, bringing it finally into the realm of “real” political discourse.

What doesn’t happen is this: A point-by-point take down of the lie by those in a position to do so in the mainstream press. I’m not talking about The New Yorker or an occasional PBS program. I’m talking about the network news programs, USA Today, CNN, and local news programs — the points along the spectrum where most people get their news. Why? News in America is a business, and like any other business, the bottom line is profit. You can’t run a profitable news business if you piss off large numbers of viewers or readers. Hence, if the truth has a liberal bias, bye-bye truth. Who needs government censorship when the market place does the work for you?

Despite the fact that Obama has shown himself to be very sympathetic to the desires of corporate American, the 1% like Romney better, and their concerns are reflected in the ongoing demonization of the President as a crazed leftist bent on turning American into a socialist utopia. When reality bumps up against the bottom line, there’s only going to be one winner.

Crazy Shit Republicans Say, Part II

“The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21.”

- from “God’s Law,” written by Republican candidate for the Arkansas House of Representatives Charlie Fuqua (He also wants to expel all Muslims from the U.S.)

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior."

You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says.”

Republican Congressman Paul Broun, member of the House Science Committee.

“I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too, but I'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm going to stop the subsidy to PBS.”

Mitt Romney to Jim Leher at the first presidential debate.

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise." He also believes that African-Americans were better off than they would have been had they not been captured and shipped to the United States.

Republican State Representative Jon Hubbard, Arkansas