Mitt Goes Native

In his ongoing attempts to overcome the “elitist” label, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent time at a neighborhood café in a Derry, New Hampshire mingling with the decidedly blue-collar patrons. A portion of his conversations were recorded.

ROMNEY

(Shaking hands with a middle-aged man)

Hello there. Mitt Romney. How are you doing?

MAN

I’ll be better after I wash my hand.

ROMNEY

You know, that’s interesting. My wife is a great believer in personal hygiene. She’s vacationing in the south of France right now, but we spoke about this very subject on the phone last night. Hygiene. And what about the problems America faces today? Don’t you think we need better leadership in Washington?

MAN

What I need is a way to make my social security check stretch to the end of the month. And a car that’ll start in the winter.

ROMNEY

Exactly. There’s Obama’s legacy right there. I have a car or two that has trouble starting in cold weather. I feel your pain. We need to dig for more oil right now and stop apologizing for America. What’s that you’re having there?

MAN

It’s called a cheeseburger and fries.

ROMNEY

Exotic local cuisine. Interesting.

(Turns to a woman in the next booth)

Hi there. Mitt Romney. Do you own your own home?

WOMAN

Yeah, but it’s not easy making the mortgage payments.

ROMNEY

How do you do it?

WOMAN
Well, I scrimp on things…skip a meal now and then.

ROMNEY
No, I mean survive with only one house? It must be devastating. I’m going to fix that as President. It’s time for a new beginning in Washington.

MAN

(Calling out from another booth)

My daughter can’t afford to go to college. What are you going to do about that?

ROMNEY

Ah, good question. I have a three-point plan designed expressly to address the issue of high college costs. First, ask your parents for money. Hey, it worked for me. Second, look for a less expensive college. Can’t afford Harvard? There’s probably a community college right down the street. Third, forget college. It’s nothing but an assembly line for turning out communists and Marxists anyway. Read the bible.

MAN

How’s a person supposed to get a good job by reading the bible?

ROMNEY

Thank you all for your time. I feel we’ve really connected here today, and I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. And—

MAN

How much does your watch cost?

ROMNEY

This old thing? Around ten grand, I suppose. I know. You’re asking yourself why a guy like me would wear such a piece of junk? It’s a funny story. I was skiing in St. Tropez a few years ago…

(Several members of Romney’s campaign staff guide Romney quickly out of the café and into his waiting limo)