We can’t trust Hillary to make meaningful changes in Washington

It’s obvious that over the past 15 to 20 years, as the Republican Party has slipped into the final stages of conservative madness, that it has pulled many in the Democratic Party with it. Like a dark star capturing other planets in its spinning vortex, the Republicans have pulled the political debate so far to the right that it makes people like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren seem like they’re to the left of Marx. It also has the result of making centrist, corporate Democrats like the Clintons and Obama seem ultra-liberal, particularly in the minds of the mainstream corporate media.

Just look at how the New York Times is treating Bernie Sanders. When it’s not ignoring him, which is most of the time, it is writing about him in a condescending tone reserved for outliers on the lunatic fringe. And no one should fall for Hillary’s current populist tone.  This is a tried and true campaign tactic used to great success by her husband and Obama. As with the President, should Hillary win there would be no significant changes to how things are done in Washington.

Sinister corporatists like the Koch brothers are laughing all the way to the bank at these developments, because it means that even if the Democrats win, Washington will have the elite’s backs. Bill Clinton has been on an apology tour recently, trying to make amends for all of the lousy policies he supported as President, especially deregulating the banks. But why should we believe Hillary will be any different?

Bernie Sanders is the only hope this country has of at least trying to loosen the stranglehold Wall Street has on Washington.

If you liked Bill and Barack, you're gonna love Hillary

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is shifting into high gear as she prepares to make a major speech on economic policies this Monday.  There’s no question Clinton is running her campaign following the blueprint her husband and Obama used to reach the White House: Tack left through the primaries, shift slightly right during the campaign then, after inauguration day, jump swiftly back to the middle. It worked for Bill and Barack, so why not?

The one wild card that Hillary faces which the other Democrats did not is Bernie Sanders. His presence in the campaign and his surging popularity are going to force the Clinton camp to grapple with difficult policy issues that normally they would not need to if the competitor were another neoliberal Democrat. And that is the best part about Bernie’s presence in the race. Bernie wants to talk about raising the minimum wage, taxing the wealthy, not letting banks off the hook when they commit crimes, more financial regulations, clamping down on Wall Street, all topics that Clinton would merely tip-toe around if Bernie wasn’t poking the hornet’s nest.

Hillary is the establishment Democrat, the candidate Wall Street and the corporate elite know they can reason with when push comes to shove. Like Obama, she’ll appoint a host of Washington and Wall Street veterans (former BC people) as advisors and in cabinet positions. She is, ultimately, not going to rock the boat. Sanders, on the other hand, is a threat to the status quo and for that reason, will not be allowed into the White House.

If you like what we got with Bill and Barack, then you should support Hillary. I do not, and will not.

The Republican Clown Car Bound For Washington Has a New Passenger

The Buffoon Brigade of Republican candidates running for President increased by one over the weekend as the first-term Florida Senator Marco Rubio selflessly offered his un-asked for services to the country. During his announcement to donors, he said that there is a real choice in this election between the past and the future. I assume he considers himself the future, which can be chalked up as the first ludicrous statement of many, many to come during his campaign.

As a Tea Party zealot, you don’t have to do any research at all to know what Rubio stands for: Tax cuts for the wealthy; war everywhere; privatize everything; demonize gays, blacks, immigrants; theocracy, anti-science, etc. There is no meaningful difference between Rubio and Cruz and Walker and Carson when it comes to their political beliefs. They all want to turn back the hands of time to some golden era of American conservatism that never really existed.

If any of the current Republican candidates wins the White House, it’s match, set, game over for America. These are people who believe the world is literally going to end soon, so who really gives a shit about anything anyway? In fact, there are those among their ilk who want to hasten in the end times and are willing to take drastic action to see their delusional prophecy fulfilled. Tell me again you want this person to have the codes to our nuclear weapons.

It remains to be seen how badly Americans have lost touch with reality and common sense. Will they send a certified lunatic to the White House? Stay tuned.

Mitt Goes Native

In his ongoing attempts to overcome the “elitist” label, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent time at a neighborhood café in a Derry, New Hampshire mingling with the decidedly blue-collar patrons. A portion of his conversations were recorded.

ROMNEY

(Shaking hands with a middle-aged man)

Hello there. Mitt Romney. How are you doing?

MAN

I’ll be better after I wash my hand.

ROMNEY

You know, that’s interesting. My wife is a great believer in personal hygiene. She’s vacationing in the south of France right now, but we spoke about this very subject on the phone last night. Hygiene. And what about the problems America faces today? Don’t you think we need better leadership in Washington?

MAN

What I need is a way to make my social security check stretch to the end of the month. And a car that’ll start in the winter.

ROMNEY

Exactly. There’s Obama’s legacy right there. I have a car or two that has trouble starting in cold weather. I feel your pain. We need to dig for more oil right now and stop apologizing for America. What’s that you’re having there?

MAN

It’s called a cheeseburger and fries.

ROMNEY

Exotic local cuisine. Interesting.

(Turns to a woman in the next booth)

Hi there. Mitt Romney. Do you own your own home?

WOMAN

Yeah, but it’s not easy making the mortgage payments.

ROMNEY

How do you do it?

WOMAN
Well, I scrimp on things…skip a meal now and then.

ROMNEY
No, I mean survive with only one house? It must be devastating. I’m going to fix that as President. It’s time for a new beginning in Washington.

MAN

(Calling out from another booth)

My daughter can’t afford to go to college. What are you going to do about that?

ROMNEY

Ah, good question. I have a three-point plan designed expressly to address the issue of high college costs. First, ask your parents for money. Hey, it worked for me. Second, look for a less expensive college. Can’t afford Harvard? There’s probably a community college right down the street. Third, forget college. It’s nothing but an assembly line for turning out communists and Marxists anyway. Read the bible.

MAN

How’s a person supposed to get a good job by reading the bible?

ROMNEY

Thank you all for your time. I feel we’ve really connected here today, and I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. And—

MAN

How much does your watch cost?

ROMNEY

This old thing? Around ten grand, I suppose. I know. You’re asking yourself why a guy like me would wear such a piece of junk? It’s a funny story. I was skiing in St. Tropez a few years ago…

(Several members of Romney’s campaign staff guide Romney quickly out of the café and into his waiting limo)

McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.

Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.

An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.

“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”

Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.

“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”

A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.

“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”

McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.

Interview with Giuliani: “Don’t call me for the next 9/11”

For the first time since abandoning his presidential bid, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani sat for an interview to discuss his run for the country’s top office and his future plans with freelance journalist Joshua Binkley.

Binkley
I’m sure you’re disappointed about having to drop out of the presidential race. What was the deciding moment for you?

Giuliani
9/11. It changed everything. I thought to myself, ‘Rudy, you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a traumatized war veteran, a Mormon, and a Jesus freak. You got two choices: have ‘em whacked or drop out of the race.’ Being somewhat cash strapped, hiring a good button man was out of the question, so, here I am.

Binkley
Do you have any regrets? Would you change anything about how you ran your campaign?

Giuliani
Since 9/11, I live one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment of my life, because it could happen again anytime, anywhere. And let me just say this for the record. If a Democrat is elected president, no one will be safe. The terrorists will strike our weakened country and kill many people. But, America, listen to me. When it happens, don’t call Rudy Giuliani to come stand on your rubble and look strong. Ain’t gonna happen. You reject me, I reject you.

Binkley
So you’re saying you wouldn’t help if another catastrophe like 9/11 happened again?

Giuliani
That is correct. 9/11 changed everything. I’ve given all I can to my country. Let Billary or Obama bin Laden do the heavy lifting now. I saved this freakin’ country and this is the thanks I get.

Binkley
So what are your future plans?

Giuliani
I haven’t made that many long-term plans since 9/11. Life’s short. Enjoy it. But I have had many offers. Right now I’m looking at leadership positions in a waste management firm and an olive oil business. I’m also making it known here and now that if I was offered an ambassadorship to Sicily, I would not turn it down.

Binkley
But Sicily is a part of Italy. It’s not a country.

Giuliani
You being a wise guy?

Binkley
No.

Giuliani
Shut up. 9/11.

President Huckabee? Just shoot me now.

Why is a nutcase like Mike Huckabee the leading Republican candidate for president? It seems we actually do have a two party system in the United States: one party for sane people and another for Republicans. How can there be that many crazy people in this country? Huckabee should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a group home talking to his invisible friend Jesus, not running for president.

We’re still trying to get rid of one insane president, and Republicans want to elect another one. The depth of their disdain for America seems to know no bounds. We have somehow lost our ability to discern between what is sensible and reasonable and what is senseless and irrational. Huckabee wants to rewrite the Constitution and turn America into a full-fledged theocracy, and a large number of Republicans think that’s just dandy.

This is 2008 ladies and gentlemen. We’ve put people on the moon. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve got flat-screen TVs for Chrissake. Yet there are living, breathing Americans out there, products of our public school system, who believe a man waved his hands and parted a sea. The difference between Islamo-Fascists and Christo-fascists is nothing more than semantics. Both groups want us to return to the Dark Ages.

Huckabee is a freaking lunatic who is enabled by other lunatics. Our fate as a country will be sealed if this knucklehead should somehow make it to the White House.

Huckabee vows to take red pen to U.S. Constitution

Mike Huckabee rocked the presidential campaign recently when he said he would revise the United States Constitution to reflect “God’s standards” instead of man’s standards. The Republican front-runner said it would be a lot easier to change words in the Constitution than change God’s words.

Comments on Huckabee’s plan from pundits and political observers around the country ranged from, “He’s f***ing nuts” to “He said what?” to “And I thought Bush was crazy.” Ironically, one of the few kind words spoken in Huckabee’s defense came from President George Bush.

“I think Mike could be on to something there,” said the president. “There aren’t enough God words in the Constitution which leaves it too open to interrogation. In addition, I believe we should change our national symbol from the eagle to a crown of thorns with blood on the tips. I wear one sometimes at night. Hurts like hell.”

In an exclusive, this reporter has obtained a rough draft of Huckabee’s proposed changes to the Preamble to the Constitution.


We the [obedient servants of Jesus Christ] People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect [religion] Union, establish [conformity] Justice, insure [church attendance] domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote [Christianity] the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of [Jesus Christ] Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this [Christian] Constitution for the United States of America.

Huckabee has also said that if elected president, he would consider revising the Bill of Rights, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven.”