Trump Says He Would Eat a Live Baby to Keep America Safe

Last night’s Republican debate produced some of the most heated moments of the 2016 Presidential race to date. The debate among the Republican frontrunners had the candidates in a verbal sparing match after a moderator asked the question: “What would you do to keep America safe from terrorism.” Former neurosurgeon Ben Carson answered first.

“At this very moment, I have a team of engineers working on what I call “TerrorScan,” a walk-through scanning device much like the ones used at airports, except this machine will detect terrorists. As President, I will make sure that every Muslim who comes to our shores will have to pass through the “TerrorScan.”

Ted Cruz spoke next.

“That’s a ridiculous idea, Ben. As your next President, l will only allow Muslims into America if they denounce Islam and convert to Christianity. Islam is a religion that breeds violence, totally unlike Christianity, which is a religion of peace. I will create a Christianity test all Muslims will need to take and pass in order to enter this country.”

Carly Fiorina responded.

“I will deny entry to any Muslim. If you haven’t seen the video of terrorists beheading nuns and wiping their rear ends with pages from the Bible, I urge you to watch it. It is horrifying and I don’t want those things to go on in my America. No more Muslims.”

But the loudest roar of approval from the audience came after Donald Trump’s unusually brief statement.

“How would I keep America safe from terrorists? I tell you, I would do anything to keep this country safe. This is serious business. If you came up to me and said, “Donald, the only thing that will keep America safe is if you eat a baby alive, then I would do it. I make that promise to you here and now. I would do it.”

After the debate, some pundits worried that Trump might lose the “mother vote,” but Trump’s campaign clarified his comment, saying that Donald would only eat an orphan baby.

Jeb Tries to Re-write Family History During the Debate

I didn’t watch last night’s Republican debate, and if you did you have my condolences, but there are enough recaps floating around that the stomach-churning, mind-numbing, soul-killing essence of the event is fairly evident. The one statement from the debate that jumped out at me wasn’t from the Donald oddly enough, but from Jeb Bush. In response to a Trump jab about brother George’s disastrous presidency, Jeb huffed and puffed and told the billionaire huckster that his older sibling “kept America safe.”

George Bush kept America safe. Okay. On what planet is that true? Certainly not this one. As I remember, and let me know if I have this wrong, the worst terrorist attack in America’s history happened during George Bush’s watch. His administration ignored numerous warnings that an attack against us was likely, and then lied about that after the fact. He then used the attack as a pretext to set the Middle East on fire and attack a country that had nothing to do with 9/11. In addition to all of this, his lackadaisical response to hurricane Katrina was a disaster on top of a disaster.

Whether historians place GW at, or a name or two away from, the top of the “Worst American Presidents” list, no one other than immediate family will ever say or believe that George Bush kept this country safe. His wars in the Middle East greatly intensified anti-American feelings in that region and around the world, placing us at a much greater risk of another attack. His invasion of Iraq is considered an 8.0 on the Richter Scale of international policy blunders by virtually everyone on the planet except Dick Cheney and brother Jeb. Bush’s presidency was a disaster for America, and its ramifications – the creation of a totally unconstitutional police/surveillance state – live on like a monster that can’t be destroyed.

Let’s be honest, the problem isn’t just with George W. The entire Bush clan, from Prescott to George H. W. to GW to Jeb to the lesser known Marvin, have consistently pushed an undemocratic, elitist agenda that is in stark contrast to the democratic ideals on which this country was founded. Prescott Bush was a member of a group of elitists during the thirties who wanted to overthrow the government and institute a fascist state, and the Bush apples haven’t fallen very far from the tree.

Jeb can lie to himself about his brother if he wants, but the rest of us have to keep setting the record straight until the lie dies a quiet death.

Republican candidates spar in first debate

The recent MSNBC Republican debate among presidential hopefuls lacked any fireworks between the leading contenders, but it allowed those farther back in the pack an opportunity to set themselves apart.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo sparred vigorously in an attempt to emphasize their conservative credentials. It began when the moderator asked the group, “Who here does not believe in evolution.” Brownback, Huckabee and Tancredo raised their hands. Each of the three candidates was then allowed to explain their position.

“Evolution is a hoax,” began Brownback. “It is hubris of the highest degree for scientists to think they know more than God.”

“You’re right,” continued Huckabee, “But let me add that I believe gravity and electricity are also demonic ideas intended to blind humans to the glory of the Almighty.”

Tancredo added his voice. “So true, gentlemen. We have lost our way, and I for one, yearn for that bygone era when religion was respected and permeated every aspect of society. I’m not talking about the 1950s. I’m talking about the 1050s. The Middle Ages, when the natural order of society was in balance.”

“Let me say for the record, that I was for a feudal society before I was against it,” said Brownback.

“I wrote about “The New Feudalism” in an editorial recently,” remarked Huckabee, “Where I outlined my four point plan that will herald in an era of religious obedience, barbaric behavior and unsanitary conditions…minus the Catholics. It’s what America needs.”

Tancredo rose to his feet, and in a fit of passion declared, “These are half measures, my friends. What America truly needs is an Inquisition, a cleansing effort to reclaim our lost society for God. My platform calls for the arrest and imprisonment of Jews, Catholics, atheists, homosexuals, liberals, feminists and every other anti-American element we can weed out. We must smite them all!”

A chorus of amens throughout the studio followed the comments of Trancedo.