The Magic Train to Trumplandia

A class of giggling, fidgeting fourth-graders stands in line waiting to board the magical train for a tour of the kingdom of Trumplandia. Soon, a blond woman bearing a striking resemblance to Kellyanne Conway, addresses the children through a megaphone.

“Hi, boys and girls. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy school day to visit Trumplandia.”

“We didn’t have a choice,” says a boy in the back.

“Thank you,” continues the tour guide. “What a good looking group you are. So the train is here and everyone can climb on board.” The woman stands next to the train conductor for the tour. “And off we go.”

The train traverses terrain representing the varied geography of the United States. As it crosses an arid Southwest desert, it slows down and comes to stop at a very high wall.

“So children,” says the guide. “Does anyone know where we are?”

“A bathroom?” asks a girl with a ponytail. “Because I have to go.”

“This is Donald Trump’s hugely magnificent border wall. Look at the size of it. Of course, this is a simulation, but someday this 1,900-mile barrier will allow you and your children to sleep safe at night knowing those “bad hombres” from the south are dying of starvation and horrible diseases in a place you’ll never have to worry your beautiful young minds about. Doesn’t that make you proud of your president?”

“My dad calls him the Liar in Chief,” says a suspiciously tanned boy in the back.

“Let’s move on, everybody. Hey, we’re headin’ north. And here we are at beautiful blue Lake Tahoe on America’s West Coast.”

“Where’s California?”

“California? Never heard of it. There’s no California in Trumplandia. So now, let’s swing up to one of President Trump’s favorite states, Montana. Oh my gosh, look. There are cowboys and skinheads and militiamen all working together to make America great again. They all carry the most important symbol of American freedom. Who knows what that is?”

“A flag?”

“No, silly. A gun. We only have the freedoms we have because of guns and how they shoot and kill bad people. No one wants bad people in America. Right?”

“Who are the bad people?” asks a frightened looking girl.

“Ah, so sweet and naïve. Honey, there are so many bad people all around us it’s hard to keep track. There are the liberals and socialists, of course, and the Muslims and union leaders and scientists and environmentalists and pollsters who lie and…oh, just too many to list. But you shouldn’t be afraid, because President Trump is keeping all of those bad people out of America with his wall and immigration ban and general antagonistic attitude. He is so very smart.”

“My dad says our goldfish is smarter than Trump.”

“Your dad might need some remedial reeducation classes. Look everyone. We’ve taken a big dip south to the Bible belt, a very, very important region of the United States. Within this great swath of the Midwest and south live the real red, white and blue Americans. Just look at all the empty storefronts, all the white families enjoying endless seasons of welfare and true blue patriots flying their confederate flags proudly in support of their fearless leader’s call to Make America Great Again. I’m all tingly.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Oh my boy, never give in to physical weakness. Be strong, like your president. I’ll bet you didn’t know that President Trump was a member of a semi-final team in the World Series of Beer Pong in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s true. We should all strive to be that dedicated and focused. Remember the heroic sacrifices of the survivors of the Bowling Green Massacre.”

“But—“

“Look. Look, everybody. We are heading up the Eastern Seaboard to Washington, D.C. There’s the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the newest statue honoring one of America’s greatest living patriots, Steve Bannon.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Drinking beer in his pajamas. What an inspiration to us all. Well kids, that ends our tour of Trumplandia. President Trump was hoping to stop by and say hello to all of you, but he had some very important tweets to dictate. Being president is an awesome responsibility. Any questions?”

“Why—?”

“Oh gosh, we’ve run completely out of time. It’s been fun having you all. Don’t forget, on your way out grab your goodie bag filled with Trump property discount coupons, the latest products in Ivanka Trump’s collection and big game hunting tips from Eric and Donald Trump Junior. Bye now.”

“Destroying America Is Hard Work,” Claims Trump

WASHINGTON, DC — President-elect Trump fired back at critics today who claim he is spending too much time Tweeting and meeting with rappers and too little time on his transition to the duties of the President.

“It’s just another mainstream press attack on me. They hate me. Listen, I am busting my butt here yelling at people, firing people and making very, very tough decisions,” said Trump, who seemed to be suffering from a cold as he was constantly rubbing his nose. “Do you think it’s easy to find the worst possible candidates to be a part of my administration? It is hard work, let me tell you.”

Trump pointed to an easel behind him with a lengthy appointee checklist. Categories included “unhinged,” “easy scapegoat,” “sycophant,” “poorly educated,” and “stinking rich.”

“You see that?” asked Trump. “Every candidate must meet all these criteria to serve in my administration. Obviously, there are only an elite few who can cut the mustard. It took like, three hundred years or something for this government to get where it is today, and it’s going to take some time to tear it all down.”

When asked why Trump wanted to tear down the very system that allowed he and his father to become wealthy, the President-elect laughed.

“You’re looking at it. Giving every redneck, low IQ individual the right to decide who will lead them simply because they’re of a certain age is a recipe for disaster. The morons made me President of the United States. Me! What more proof do you want that the system is broken beyond repair? I’m just going to speed things up a little bit.”

Before asking another question, Trump’s phone rang and he answered it.

“Vlad, good to hear from…. You’re angry? Why? No, that isn’t exactly true. I did precisely what you said, down to the letter. The transfer will be made today. Please, calm down. Listen, come to Washington after the inauguration and I’ll show you the time of your life. Don’t you want to see Romney squeal like a pig? I thought so. Da, da. So long.”

Trump smiled and put away his phone. “See? I’m working my ass off here."

Tomorrow’s Headlines Today

Trump Campaign Hires North Korean President Kim Jong Un as Campaign Advisor. Public Executions Promised.

Experts Baffled by Sudden Extreme Spike in Trump Polls

Mexico Agrees to Pay for Wall to Keep Trump Out

Kaepernick Admits to Sitting On Toilet and Not Standing Until Done. FOX News Explodes With Indignation.

DEA Refuses Once Again to Remove Flintstones Vitamins From Schedule I Drug Category.

Vice President Nominee Mike Pence Blames Ice Cream-induced Brain Freeze For Moment of Clarity and Compassion

Citing Immigration Restrictions, Jesus Cancels Return Indefinitely

Melenia Trump On Why Clinton Unfit to Hold Top Office: “No one who dresses like my grandmother can president.”

New NC Voter ID Law Requires Genealogical Evidence of “White Purity”

Crazed Fan Stabs Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards Twenty-seven Times, Sets Him On fire and Throws Body Into Grand Canyon. Doctors Say Guitarist Will Continue Touring Within Days.

Trump Says He Would Eat a Live Baby to Keep America Safe

Last night’s Republican debate produced some of the most heated moments of the 2016 Presidential race to date. The debate among the Republican frontrunners had the candidates in a verbal sparing match after a moderator asked the question: “What would you do to keep America safe from terrorism.” Former neurosurgeon Ben Carson answered first.

“At this very moment, I have a team of engineers working on what I call “TerrorScan,” a walk-through scanning device much like the ones used at airports, except this machine will detect terrorists. As President, I will make sure that every Muslim who comes to our shores will have to pass through the “TerrorScan.”

Ted Cruz spoke next.

“That’s a ridiculous idea, Ben. As your next President, l will only allow Muslims into America if they denounce Islam and convert to Christianity. Islam is a religion that breeds violence, totally unlike Christianity, which is a religion of peace. I will create a Christianity test all Muslims will need to take and pass in order to enter this country.”

Carly Fiorina responded.

“I will deny entry to any Muslim. If you haven’t seen the video of terrorists beheading nuns and wiping their rear ends with pages from the Bible, I urge you to watch it. It is horrifying and I don’t want those things to go on in my America. No more Muslims.”

But the loudest roar of approval from the audience came after Donald Trump’s unusually brief statement.

“How would I keep America safe from terrorists? I tell you, I would do anything to keep this country safe. This is serious business. If you came up to me and said, “Donald, the only thing that will keep America safe is if you eat a baby alive, then I would do it. I make that promise to you here and now. I would do it.”

After the debate, some pundits worried that Trump might lose the “mother vote,” but Trump’s campaign clarified his comment, saying that Donald would only eat an orphan baby.

Donald Trump’s Interview with Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia

An historic event took place this morning when billionaire Presidential candidate Donald Trump sat before the television cameras to interview Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia. Here is the transcript.

TRUMP: How do I look?

SCALIA: You’re a billionaire. Why can’t you do something about that hair?

TRUMP: Good morning, ladies and gentleman. I am sharing a stage with a man I greatly admire and respect, the brilliant Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia. Thank you for joining me.

SCALIA: My pleasure.

TRUMP: Tell me, what was your reaction when I announced my run for the White House?

SCALIA: Half the Republican Party is running for President.

TRUMP: Yes, but I’m talking about me.

SCALIA: Maybe we’d do better to switch topics.

TRUMP: Really?

SCALIA: It’s your hoe down.

TRUMP: Are you as upset as I am about the recent gay marriage ruling by your fellow judges?

SCALIA: I am hornswaggled. My fellow jurists erred grievously in their decision to give…those people equal rights under the law. The Constitution isn’t some magical document that grants people any wish they want. Mark my words, in the next few years we will see cases before the court of people wanting to marry their pet gerbils.

TRUMP: It’s like you were reading my mind. Equality under the Constitution simply doesn’t apply to everybody.

SCALIA: I have long favored monarchy as the ideal form of human organization. Democracy is simply too much for people to handle.

TRUMP: I think it would be absolutely fantastic to run for King.

SCALIA: We need men of character and proper breeding ruling us, not the genetically questionable riff-raff we are getting these days. Looking to the past is our key to the future.
 

TRUMP: Okay. Lets talk about the Gore v. Bush decision in 2000—

SCALIA: Come on, Donald. That’s ancient history. Old news. I’m not going to sit here and rehash what happened 15 years ago.

TRUMP: But I thought you just said—

SCALIA: The past is the past. Let it go.

TRUMP: Citizen’s United. Still think that was the right decision?

SCALIA: Without a doubt. It might be one of the Court’s greatest achievements. By reducing the influence of the unwashed masses and enhancing the influence of people who truly understand what power means and who should wield it, by which I mean the filthy rich, we adjusted the balance in this country to its correct position.

TRUMP: Believe me, I agree with you there. We can’t have trailer trash or liberals deciding how this country should be run. I see we’re out of time. Thank you for taking time out of your busy work gutting democracy to talk to me, Judge Scalia.

SCALIA: Thank you, David. It’s a thankless job, but someone’s got to do it.

Headlines we would like to see

Grand Jury Indicts Bush, Cheney for War Crimes

Ted Cruz Apologizes To Nation For Being a Complete Douchebag

Rush Limbaugh Inhales Lit Cigar Stub, Burns Vocal Chords

Cold Case Solved. “We know who let the dogs out,” says Detective

Alaska Evicts Palin Family. Lower 48 States On High Alert.

Congress Votes to Give Itself a Pay Cut For Poor Performance

Hidden Cameras in NSA Restrooms Linked to North Korea

As Ratings Tumble, FOX News To Call It Quits

Obama Ends the War On Drugs With a Round of Bong Hits in the Oval Office

U.S. Celebrates First Year of Bombing Abstinence

Admitting They Had “Royally Fucked Up,” Roberts, Scalia and Thomas Resign Their Supreme Court Seats

Jim Inhofe Stunner: I Was Wrong About Climate Change. Let’s Fix This Problem.”

O'Reilly Was There!

Dawn of Man.

“All of a sudden this guy just jumps out of a tree and starts running across the Veldt on two legs. I scribbled my thoughts on a stone, but someone picked up the damn thing and threw it at the running guy.”

Crucifixion of Christ.

“It was a moment all journalists face at some point in their careers. Do I record the event or do I intervene? I decided it was more important that the rest of the world hear this amazing story than get stabbed by a spear. Those Roman soldiers didn’t play around.”

The American Revolution.

“I was embedded with colonial troops under the command of William Prescott at Bunker Hill. We put up a valiant effort against the pesky Brits, but eventually had to retreat. That’s what I was told, as I had retreated to the Cock and Hound pub earlier to gather my faculties.”

The Civil War.

“Bullets whizzed by me as I crouched behind a tree stump at Gettysburg. Fortunately, General Grant was hiding with me and I got one of the best interviews of my life. He was drunk, of course, but so damn genuine.”

World War I.

“I was in the trenches on the Western Front. The Germans were lobbing grenades and insults from a nearby position when I suddenly found myself at the wrong end of a bayonet. Fortunately, it was one of our guys accusing me of being a coward. When I explained I was a journalist covering the war, he laughed so hard and so loud he was picked off by a German sniper.”

World War II.

“Although I covered the war from a fortified bunker in Manhattan, I can tell you that I saw pictures of dead and wounded soldiers that would rip your heart out.  I wrote a dispatch about one of my tears falling on a grainy photo taken at the Battle of the Bulge.”

Watts, Selma, Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan…yeah, that’s right. O’Reilly was there!

A detailed explanation of how "Trickle Down" economics works

One does not simply join the Tea Party

Dear John,

First, let me thank you for your interest in joining the Tea Party. Despite the lies you’ve heard from the liberal press, we are a “big tent” party and welcome all angry Caucasian English-speaking Christians. As a formality, we do ask those who are interested in joining our crusade to take a short survey to make sure the Tea Party is the right home for you. Thank you.

Man-made climate change is:

A communist plot

An alien mind-control experiment

Al Gore’s revenge for the 2000 election

Illuminati code for “Build conservative concentration camps”

A plot by elite liberal scientists to make you look stupid

Barack Obama is:

A Kenyan-born communist/socialist/terrorist

The spawn of Satan

The anti-Christ

A hologram

An uppity negro

Ronald Reagan was:

America’s greatest president

The greatest human being ever

A leader sent directly from heaven

The first conservative saint

God in human form

The second amendment to the Constitution gives Americans the right to:

Carry guns in day care centers

Shoot scary dark skinned people without cause

Blow up stuff

Enshrine violence as a time-honored American value

All of the above

I would solve America’s immigration problem by:

Building walls, planting mines and stretching razor wire

Requiring all immigrants to have an IQ of 180 or better

Measuring the craniums of all potential immigrants

Requiring the tattoo of an “I” on the forehead of all immigrants

America’s most trusted source for news and political commentary is:

Alex Jones

Rush Limbaugh

Ann Coulter

My cat

Stephan Colbert

America is exceptional because:

We’re the only nation officially endorsed by God

We saved everybody’s ass in WWII

We say so
We invented freedom

And then she said, "That's going too far!"

I've been writing this blog for ten years now, and I've never done this before. No, not lick the monitor. Self promotion.

If you end up here for some reason (you mistyped the URL for a porn site), and perhaps you enjoyed something you read, tell a friend who you think might also appreciate political observations and satire from a progressive perspective. Best of all, it won't cost you a penny.

As a 10-year anniversary limited time special offer, if you refer a friend and that friend posts a comment, I'll send you an autographed photo of me wearing a mankini dancing to the Butthole Surfers from a boom box in Times Square.

Time's up.

Tomorrow's Headlines Today

Putin Challenges Obama to Thumb Wrestle for Crimea

Paul Ryan Claims Reference to “Lazy Dark-Skinned People” Had Nothing To Do With Race

Billionaires Worry Raising Minimum Wage May Force Them To Cheaper Bentley Model

“Arming Children Best Deterrent to School Shootings” Claims NRA

NASA Says Plane Captured In Mars Rover Photograph Not Malaysia Air Flight MH370

New Phone App Puts NSA On Hold And Plays Scratchy 70s Disco Hits

"I Could Care Less": The game show

[Announcer]

Hi, everyone. I’m Bob Schmidt and welcome to “I Could Care Less,” the game show where conservatives go toe-to-toe to find out who is the least empathetic human on the planet. Responses are judged by our audience, and the winner gets an all expense paid trip to India to stay in a five-star hotel with a penthouse balcony overlooking…wait for it…the slums of Calcutta.

[Audience applause]

Let’s welcome today’s contestants. First up is Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. Next, from the great state of Minnesota, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. And finally, let’s hear it for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Glad you can all be here to play, “I Could Care Less.”

Today’s topic: America’s children.

Congressman Ryan, I’ll start with you. Tell us, how you could you care less about America’s children?

[Ryan]

Well, Bob, I could really care less about giving underprivileged children free school lunches. I mean, this is setting these impressionable young boys and girls on a path to a welfare mentality right from the start. Free lunches today extends to free Cadillacs and bling tomorrow.

[Schmidt]

Senator Santorum, how do you respond to that?

[Santorum]

Of course, I agree. No one should get anything for free. These children should work for their meal. They could wash cars or shine shoes or sew garments like children in other countries do. And that’s why I believe we should lower the legal working age to three. Instead of sitting around the house eating Ding Dongs and watching their parents smoke crack, they could be out selling apples or…building things.

[Bachmann]

I think my fellow contestants are missing an important point. When they took God out of our public schools, guess what? The Devil stepped in. What these children really need is prayer, and lots of it. If we returned prayer to our classrooms, these precious children might have empty stomachs, but they would be spiritually obese.

[Applause]

[Schmidt]

Well, Representative Bachmann seems to have struck a chord with the audience. How do you respond to that Congressman Ryan?

[Ryan]

It’s the liberal curriculum of public schools we need to be concerned with. Kids today are being indoctrinated with liberal facts instead of conservative ideology. We need to shape these young minds to accept their miserable existence instead of filling their heads with hope for a better life.

[Santorum]

And we need more corporal punishment. Children don’t respect adults anymore because we aren’t allowed to slap them around. They think we’re their pals. No. We’re their gods, and they should be treating as such. My father used hit me so hard—

[Schmidt]

Congresswoman Bachmann. Your response?

[Bachmann]

White Christian children are the future of this country… Did I say that out loud?

[Schmidt]

Representative Ryan?

[Ryan]

Allowing same sex couples to adopt children is an abomination. It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

[Santorum]

Any science teacher who believes the earth is more than six-thousand years old should be drawn and quartered in the public square.

[Applause]

[Bachmann]

I’m not wearing panties.

[Schmidt]

Okay, that was an exciting round. We’ll be back for more, “I Could Care Less” after this commercial.

Leaked audio transcript: President Obama meets with congressional leaders on Syria

September 4, 2013

Oval Office

Cantor: I’m on board with you, Mr. President. Let’s face it, bombing shit is cool.

Obama: Every other president got to bomb something. Bush got to start a couple of wars. I want to bomb something. Okay?

Pelosi: We want video.

Obama: Are you kidding? We’ll have camera’s all over that shit.

Clyburn: What about civilians? These targets are in highly populated areas of Damascus.

Obama: Jimmy, come on, man. Bring it down a notch. There’ll be a few casualties, but it’s all for the bigger good. Right?

Boehner: Can we get one of those cool “situation room” photos with us watching the whole thing go down live?

Obama: Hell yeah. Just don’t start crying, John. [laughs]

Clyburn: But Sir, the American people are not behind this. Shouldn’t we listen to our citizens?

[Silence for several seconds and then uproarious laughter.]

Obama: That’s good. Whoa. Someone get Jimmy a drink. I didn’t know you were such a funny guy. Let’s go golfing one of these days.

McCarthy: Speaking of golf, I’ve got a tee time in 45 minutes. We about done here?

Obama: We all on the same page? Jimbo? Good. Okay. Peace out.

A Match Made in Hell

On the heels of his announcement he would be attending tonight’s State of the Union Address, rocker and NRA board member Ted Nugent made a startling revelation this morning that is sending shockwaves through the conservative pundocracy. According to a press release from Nugent’s publicist, he and author and right wing pundit Ann Coulter are engaged to marry.

According to Nugent, he and Ann met at a mock lynching of President Obama at a survivalist compound in Montana. “I have to tell you,” writes Nugent, “It was love at first sight. When she touched the barrel of my AR-15 I thought I was going to lose it. Fortunately, the safety was on.”

The Motor City Madman says that the wedding ceremony is set for August 15 and will take place at San Antonio’s Alamodome during halftime at the 2013 Monster Truck Marathon. “I’m a bit of a romantic,” says Nugent. “Everyone coming into the Alamodome will be given an air horn, and when Ann and I kiss after the ‘I do’s’, ten thousand air horns will go off. It’ll be epic.”

The press release also details the newlyweds honeymoon plans. Immediately after the ceremony, the lovebirds will fly to Haiti for a helicopter peasant hunt and then it will be off to Brazil for an adventure on the Amazon River stalking animals on the endangered species list. “It’ll be an awesome opportunity to kill things together and really bond as a couple,” says Nugent. Finally, the couple will fly to North Korea where they will be the guests of leader Kim Jong Un, who will detonate a nuclear device in their honor. “We have much to learn from these people,” said Nugent.

Attempts to reach Coulter for comments were met with death threats. 

The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.

The one form of birth control Rick Santorum might approve of.

Satan to Endorse Candidate

In a video sent to the media yesterday from his office in the Underworld, Satan let it be known that he would be endorsing one of the Republican contenders for the presidency within the next few days. Although Old Nick did not make the pronouncement in his release, he did provide some not-so-subtle clues as to his thinking.

“I like Rick Santorum, and there’s nothing in the Constitution that says American’s can’t elect someone who is batshit crazy. I checked. But of late he’s been taking some swings at me that are, well let’s be honest, mean. Usually I have a pretty thick hide, but even Beelzebub has feelings. I mean, I’ve only met the guy a few times and he’s saying these horrible things about me. Now that’s going negative.”

There wasn’t much positive in his comments related to Mitt Romney, either.

“The one admirable quality that I find in Mitt Romney is his lack of conviction. The guy will say anything to be president. How cool is that? But the poor man is also devoid of a personality. I swear, even I have a hard time telling whether he’s human or not. I’ve seen corpses with more life than this guy. But seriously, the man’s not presidential material. A Mormon in the White House? Come on.”

When it came to discussing Newt Gingrich, the Devil’s tone changed remarkably.

“Newt and I go way back. Oh yeah. We had some crazy good fun back in the day. I remember this one time…oh, I can’t go into that here. But Newt’s a great guy. A two-faced lying, cheating, bombastic little ogre of a man, Newt’s got what it takes to pick up the baton from George Bush and effectively run this country into the ground. I think he has the ideas and intellect to do it.”

Lucifer also hinted that he would be starting a Super PAC to support his chosen candidate. “I want to call it the “Hell’s Bills” Super Pak. Get it? Hell’s Bills instead of Bells. I’d laugh at Satan’s jokes if I were you. Just kidding. Why so serious? I loved that movie. Loved it. Come on, let me fix you a drink.”