The Magic Train to Trumplandia

A class of giggling, fidgeting fourth-graders stands in line waiting to board the magical train for a tour of the kingdom of Trumplandia. Soon, a blond woman bearing a striking resemblance to Kellyanne Conway, addresses the children through a megaphone.

“Hi, boys and girls. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy school day to visit Trumplandia.”

“We didn’t have a choice,” says a boy in the back.

“Thank you,” continues the tour guide. “What a good looking group you are. So the train is here and everyone can climb on board.” The woman stands next to the train conductor for the tour. “And off we go.”

The train traverses terrain representing the varied geography of the United States. As it crosses an arid Southwest desert, it slows down and comes to stop at a very high wall.

“So children,” says the guide. “Does anyone know where we are?”

“A bathroom?” asks a girl with a ponytail. “Because I have to go.”

“This is Donald Trump’s hugely magnificent border wall. Look at the size of it. Of course, this is a simulation, but someday this 1,900-mile barrier will allow you and your children to sleep safe at night knowing those “bad hombres” from the south are dying of starvation and horrible diseases in a place you’ll never have to worry your beautiful young minds about. Doesn’t that make you proud of your president?”

“My dad calls him the Liar in Chief,” says a suspiciously tanned boy in the back.

“Let’s move on, everybody. Hey, we’re headin’ north. And here we are at beautiful blue Lake Tahoe on America’s West Coast.”

“Where’s California?”

“California? Never heard of it. There’s no California in Trumplandia. So now, let’s swing up to one of President Trump’s favorite states, Montana. Oh my gosh, look. There are cowboys and skinheads and militiamen all working together to make America great again. They all carry the most important symbol of American freedom. Who knows what that is?”

“A flag?”

“No, silly. A gun. We only have the freedoms we have because of guns and how they shoot and kill bad people. No one wants bad people in America. Right?”

“Who are the bad people?” asks a frightened looking girl.

“Ah, so sweet and naïve. Honey, there are so many bad people all around us it’s hard to keep track. There are the liberals and socialists, of course, and the Muslims and union leaders and scientists and environmentalists and pollsters who lie and…oh, just too many to list. But you shouldn’t be afraid, because President Trump is keeping all of those bad people out of America with his wall and immigration ban and general antagonistic attitude. He is so very smart.”

“My dad says our goldfish is smarter than Trump.”

“Your dad might need some remedial reeducation classes. Look everyone. We’ve taken a big dip south to the Bible belt, a very, very important region of the United States. Within this great swath of the Midwest and south live the real red, white and blue Americans. Just look at all the empty storefronts, all the white families enjoying endless seasons of welfare and true blue patriots flying their confederate flags proudly in support of their fearless leader’s call to Make America Great Again. I’m all tingly.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Oh my boy, never give in to physical weakness. Be strong, like your president. I’ll bet you didn’t know that President Trump was a member of a semi-final team in the World Series of Beer Pong in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s true. We should all strive to be that dedicated and focused. Remember the heroic sacrifices of the survivors of the Bowling Green Massacre.”

“But—“

“Look. Look, everybody. We are heading up the Eastern Seaboard to Washington, D.C. There’s the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the newest statue honoring one of America’s greatest living patriots, Steve Bannon.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Drinking beer in his pajamas. What an inspiration to us all. Well kids, that ends our tour of Trumplandia. President Trump was hoping to stop by and say hello to all of you, but he had some very important tweets to dictate. Being president is an awesome responsibility. Any questions?”

“Why—?”

“Oh gosh, we’ve run completely out of time. It’s been fun having you all. Don’t forget, on your way out grab your goodie bag filled with Trump property discount coupons, the latest products in Ivanka Trump’s collection and big game hunting tips from Eric and Donald Trump Junior. Bye now.”

President Donald Trump’s First Seven Days in Office

Day 1

Throw really yuuuuge party for major donors. Putin guest of honor. Issue arrest warrants for Clintons, Sanders, Stewart, Moore, Ryan, Cruz, entire RNC, Obama, etc. Schedule fight with Biden (order sedatives to ensure victory). Have someone locate Pense.

Day 2

Start choosing cabinet (delegate). Assemble closest advisors (delegate). Prioritize policy agenda (delegate). Free by nine a.m. to golf with Christie and Comey. Send Melania to Paris to shop. Welcome Miss America contestants for personal tour of the White House. Party that night with Roman theme.

Day 3

Sign some paperwork, listen to a few boring briefings. Find out where the CIA is keeping the aliens, nuke button. Oversee beginning of construction of outdoor hot tub, party pavilion and driving range. Initiate martial law.

Day 4

Annex Dubai, will be 51^st state. Meet with NSA and CIA to discuss progress on my enemies list. Start privatizing everything (delegate). Attend kick-off party for Melinia’s new “First Lady” line of lingerie. Discuss feasibility of turning South Lawn into game preserve with Eric and Don Jr.

Day 5

Sign order to construct 500 reeducation camps across the country. Quarantine Hollywood, San Francisco, Portland, and other blue cities to prevent the spread of dangerous, un-American ideas. Appoint Ivanka “Roving American Ambassador of Hotness.” Discuss with sculpture the pose for my first statue.

Day 6

Meetings with African diplomats (keep the hand sanitizer close by). Attend ceremony to officially rename Pennsylvania Avenue Donald Trump Drive. Golf and mud bath. Sign Executive Order #34472, “The President of the United States has Immunity from Everything.” Find out who has the keys to Fort Knox.

Day 7

Update enemies list. Give first Presidential Press Conference on FOX News. Appoint Giuliani Ambassador to Kazakhstan as reward for his loyalty. Fly to Arizona to kick-off ceremony for new wall across our southern border (tell contractors to keep all receipts for Mexican bill). Give myself a raise because I absolutely deserve it.

A Song Commemorating the Bundy Siege

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Morons

(To the tune of…well, you know)

Morons ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold.

They’re heads are all empty and hearts that are icy cold.

Holding a gun they like to play tough

But anger is all they know

Most don’t understand him, and don’t care to try

They just want him to go

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be morons.
Don't let 'em hear Rush or listen to country songs.
And don’t let them vote for Trump.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be morons.
'Cos they'll never be right and just want to fight.
For every idea that is wrong

Morons like smoky old back rooms and facts they make up

FOX bloviators and gas-guzzling pick up trucks.

They love the word freedom but clearly don’t know what it means
or how a democracy works

His thoughts are a jumble of clichés and myths

Let’s face it he’s clearly a jerk.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be morons.

Don't let 'em hear Rush or listen to country songs.
And don’t let them vote for Trump.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be morons.
'Cos they'll never be right and just want to fight.
For every idea that is wrong.

O'Reilly Was There!

Dawn of Man.

“All of a sudden this guy just jumps out of a tree and starts running across the Veldt on two legs. I scribbled my thoughts on a stone, but someone picked up the damn thing and threw it at the running guy.”

Crucifixion of Christ.

“It was a moment all journalists face at some point in their careers. Do I record the event or do I intervene? I decided it was more important that the rest of the world hear this amazing story than get stabbed by a spear. Those Roman soldiers didn’t play around.”

The American Revolution.

“I was embedded with colonial troops under the command of William Prescott at Bunker Hill. We put up a valiant effort against the pesky Brits, but eventually had to retreat. That’s what I was told, as I had retreated to the Cock and Hound pub earlier to gather my faculties.”

The Civil War.

“Bullets whizzed by me as I crouched behind a tree stump at Gettysburg. Fortunately, General Grant was hiding with me and I got one of the best interviews of my life. He was drunk, of course, but so damn genuine.”

World War I.

“I was in the trenches on the Western Front. The Germans were lobbing grenades and insults from a nearby position when I suddenly found myself at the wrong end of a bayonet. Fortunately, it was one of our guys accusing me of being a coward. When I explained I was a journalist covering the war, he laughed so hard and so loud he was picked off by a German sniper.”

World War II.

“Although I covered the war from a fortified bunker in Manhattan, I can tell you that I saw pictures of dead and wounded soldiers that would rip your heart out.  I wrote a dispatch about one of my tears falling on a grainy photo taken at the Battle of the Bulge.”

Watts, Selma, Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan…yeah, that’s right. O’Reilly was there!

Bill O’Reilly: A profile in courage

Some are saying that Bill O’Reilly lied about his past, claiming he was in life-threatening war-time situations as a journalist when he wasn’t. I find this hard to swallow. How can a man who maintains such sterling moral standards, who is an example to everyone of sincere compassion and tolerance, who epitomizes the humble humanitarian, be a liar? This makes no sense.

The Bill O’Reilly I know is a man of unquestionable honor and decency, one of the good guys on cable TV. He’s known throughout the industry as an interviewer who treats his guests with the utmost respect, allowing for a free and open discussion of all viewpoints, even those with which he disagrees. And his fact checking is vigorous and goes far beyond industry standards. It’s a rare day at FOX when O’Reilly gets something wrong.

And when O’Reilly champions an issue, you know it is one of great importance to the country he loves with all his heart. Unlike others who will remain nameless, this humble host would never dredge up controversy where there was none before, or blow up minor issues into worldwide battles pitting good against evil. That’s just not who he is.

Now under attack from liberal extremists, O’Reilly is handling the controversy in his usual steady handed way, keeping calm and under control, while his enemies hurl their lies and insults. Stoic, standing tall and proud against the tide of accusations, Bill O’Reilly is without question a profile in courage.

My 2015 predictions

It’s that time when prognosticators like myself stare into our crystal balls (or the family jewels as some call them) and make baseless, nonsensical predictions about the coming 12 months. Here are mine:

The approval rating for Congress will dip into negative numbers. Shingles and the Anti-Christ will move up on the list.

America will secede from Texas.

Top American retailers like Wal-Mart, Target and Macy’s will kick-off the 2015 Christmas shopping season the day after Memorial Day.

Lindsay Lohan will star in an autobiographical movie of her life, “Lindsey’s Life,” and get panned by critics for her “unconvincing” portrayal.

Obama will punch Ted Cruz in the face.

Bill O’Reilly will come out of the closet.

TLC will air a new show called, “My Life is Murder” in which we experience the day to day activities of a serial killer who wears a GoPro.

For reasons unknown, everyone’s 15 minutes of fame will now only last 13 minutes and 27 seconds.

Phoenix cops will shoot a man who is actually breaking the law.

Donald Trump will declare his hair a national treasure.

Obama will not invade Lichtenstein.

There will be a porn version of “Winnie the Pooh” released called “The man with the 100-acre wood."

North Korea will announce a manned space mission to the sun.

Local Terrorist Cell Thwarted

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Drones and police helicopters filled the night sky over the modest ranch house in a Minneapolis suburb. Two armored vehicles were parked at either end of the block and dozens of SWAT team members crouched behind trees and shrubs, weapons pointed at the home of Jim and Tina Blaylock. According to a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous, he alerted police to what he called suspicious behavior exhibited by the Blaylocks.

“They’ve had their curtains drawn for three days now,” said the neighbor. “I’ve always had my concerns about them. See that lawn sign? It’s for a Democrat. And they’ve got a bumper sticker on their car that reads, “Practice Tolerance.” Might as well be flying the ISIS flag.”

When the Blaylock’s failed to respond to calls from the commander of the SWAT team to exit the house, shock grenades and tear gas were thrown in.

“See that?” added the neighbor. “Those are some hardcore terrorist SOBs.

Several bursts of gunfire suddenly erupted, but the target turned out to be a Halloween decoration on the porch. The life-size scarecrow was wrestled to the ground and cuffed by team members after it failed to respond to repeated orders to show its hands, even though, as this reporter noted, it did not have hands.

As the battering ram was being prepared near the front door, a vehicle pulled up and stopped near the house. The man and woman exiting the car claimed to be the Blaylocks who said they had been out of town visiting relatives for the past three days. A member of the SWAT team, who later claimed he heard them shout, “Alahu Akbar,” shot Mr. Blaylock in the leg and knocked Mrs. Blaylock out with the butt of his rifle.

In a follow up to the incident, Homeland Security told the Star Tribune that Mr. Blaylock has been sent to GITMO and Mrs. Blaylock has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in Nome, Alaska.

Friday Pop Quiz

Pick the real ridiculous headline from this list of ridiculous headlines.

1. Texas Governor Rick Perry says ISIS is preparing to attack the Alamo
2. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un found herding yaks in Mongolia. “My life’s dream.”
3. 216 attendees at the 2014 Food Safety Summit fall ill from contaminated chicken
4. Typhoon heading for Japan is God’s punishment for “Hello Kitty” according to Pat Robertson
5. “How can we win the War on Christmas if we don’t have drones?” asks Bill O’Reilly
6. Congress to vote on instituting national “I hate science” day.

[3]

Things on my mind today

How do you know you haven’t been hypnotized and you’re actually a member of an ISIS sleeper cell?

Donald Trump says he’s a human being, but isn’t that exactly what a shape-shifting alien would say?

Who actually has the key to the highway?

What did the first human to ever laugh find funny?

They say there are no atheists in foxholes, but there aren’t any foxes either.

If you are reincarnated, but you don’t have any idea who you were in your past lives, what difference does it make?

The NSA should create a lost & found hotline:

“I can’t find my keys.”

“They’re in the pocket of your gray denim pants that you threw in the dirty laundry last night after you got home from Janine’s party.”

“Gee, thanks NSA.”

“Glad to help.”

Innocent bumper sticker or invitation to murder?

It’s come to my attention that you don’t have enough to worry about in your life, so here is something new to keep you up at night. The Putnam County Sheriff’s Office in Palatka, Florida has posted a warning to drivers on its Facebook page that stickers on the back of your vehicle are inviting criminal activity.

That’s right. Your choice of decals or bumper stickers can tell a bad guy a whole lot of information about you and your family. For instance, a parking pass can tell a criminal where you go to school or work. A “My daughter is an honor student at xxxx” tips off the nogoodniks to where your child goes to school. Your “I love my Chihuahua” bumper sticker makes it clear that your dog will pose no threat once I break into your house. And don’t get me started on the stick figure family. If you have these you deserve to be murdered in your sleep.

If this seems a bit over the top to you, I agree. I picture myself leaving Target, walking across the parking lot and seeing a guy with swastikas tattooed on his forehead standing behind my car with a legal pad taking notes. Probably not going to happen. Most criminals are not, shall we say, sophisticated or patient enough to decode your bumper stickers in any useful way. And when I see stick figure families, they’re usually on the rear window of a rusted, decades old minivan, which should convey to even the dimmest thief that they are not a prime burglary target.

I appreciate the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office for the warning, but I’m leaving my “I won the Powerball lottery” sticker on my car, thank you very much.