Tomorrow’s Headlines Today

Trump Campaign Hires North Korean President Kim Jong Un as Campaign Advisor. Public Executions Promised.

Experts Baffled by Sudden Extreme Spike in Trump Polls

Mexico Agrees to Pay for Wall to Keep Trump Out

Kaepernick Admits to Sitting On Toilet and Not Standing Until Done. FOX News Explodes With Indignation.

DEA Refuses Once Again to Remove Flintstones Vitamins From Schedule I Drug Category.

Vice President Nominee Mike Pence Blames Ice Cream-induced Brain Freeze For Moment of Clarity and Compassion

Citing Immigration Restrictions, Jesus Cancels Return Indefinitely

Melenia Trump On Why Clinton Unfit to Hold Top Office: “No one who dresses like my grandmother can president.”

New NC Voter ID Law Requires Genealogical Evidence of “White Purity”

Crazed Fan Stabs Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards Twenty-seven Times, Sets Him On fire and Throws Body Into Grand Canyon. Doctors Say Guitarist Will Continue Touring Within Days.

Headlines we would like to see

Grand Jury Indicts Bush, Cheney for War Crimes

Ted Cruz Apologizes To Nation For Being a Complete Douchebag

Rush Limbaugh Inhales Lit Cigar Stub, Burns Vocal Chords

Cold Case Solved. “We know who let the dogs out,” says Detective

Alaska Evicts Palin Family. Lower 48 States On High Alert.

Congress Votes to Give Itself a Pay Cut For Poor Performance

Hidden Cameras in NSA Restrooms Linked to North Korea

As Ratings Tumble, FOX News To Call It Quits

Obama Ends the War On Drugs With a Round of Bong Hits in the Oval Office

U.S. Celebrates First Year of Bombing Abstinence

Admitting They Had “Royally Fucked Up,” Roberts, Scalia and Thomas Resign Their Supreme Court Seats

Jim Inhofe Stunner: I Was Wrong About Climate Change. Let’s Fix This Problem.”