Tomorrow’s Headlines Today

Trump Campaign Hires North Korean President Kim Jong Un as Campaign Advisor. Public Executions Promised.

Experts Baffled by Sudden Extreme Spike in Trump Polls

Mexico Agrees to Pay for Wall to Keep Trump Out

Kaepernick Admits to Sitting On Toilet and Not Standing Until Done. FOX News Explodes With Indignation.

DEA Refuses Once Again to Remove Flintstones Vitamins From Schedule I Drug Category.

Vice President Nominee Mike Pence Blames Ice Cream-induced Brain Freeze For Moment of Clarity and Compassion

Citing Immigration Restrictions, Jesus Cancels Return Indefinitely

Melenia Trump On Why Clinton Unfit to Hold Top Office: “No one who dresses like my grandmother can president.”

New NC Voter ID Law Requires Genealogical Evidence of “White Purity”

Crazed Fan Stabs Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards Twenty-seven Times, Sets Him On fire and Throws Body Into Grand Canyon. Doctors Say Guitarist Will Continue Touring Within Days.

Keith Richards: Trash-Talking Man

Keith Richards proves that you can be a rock god and still be a petty, jealous old man. In recent interviews around the release of his first solo album in 20 years, the original Stone trashed the Beatles, Black Sabbath, Metallica and all of Rap music with a series of bitter one-liners that sound more like sour grapes (especially in the case of the Beatles) than a serious musical critique. Keith is entitled to his opinions, but his constant trash talking about other superstars and genres does nothing to enhance his personal image as his life and career enter the autumn years (come on, he has to go sometime). Maybe falling head first out of that palm tree did more damage than we realized.

Deal with the Devil?

You know you're getting old when...

Every sigh is audible and can be heard up to two rooms away

You change your underwear twice a day

Your children laugh at you, not with you

The only stand-up comics you can name are dead

Putting on your socks requires concentration

Rock music isn’t loud enough

You haven’t seen your back in ten years

You use words you never used before, like “blotches,” “naps,” and “stents.”

You pull a muscle at the dinner table

AARP finds you

You can’t beat your grandkids at arm wrestling

After 40 years you’ve regained a taste for Jell-O

People mistake you for Keith Richards