Unveiling the Cheney Bust: U.S. Honors an International Criminal

On Friday, the House of Representatives unveiled a marble bust of Dick Cheney in the Emancipation Hall of the U.S. Capital. Instead of putting Cheney and the rest of the Bush administration in jail for crimes against humanity, he is honored with a statue and lauded by those attending the ceremony (including Vice President Joe Biden) for his illusionary service to his country.

To mark this display of unbelievable hubris, I offer this new definition of American Exceptionalism: If you are exceptionally rich and powerful, you can get away with anything.

Leaked audio transcript: President Obama meets with congressional leaders on Syria

September 4, 2013

Oval Office

Cantor: I’m on board with you, Mr. President. Let’s face it, bombing shit is cool.

Obama: Every other president got to bomb something. Bush got to start a couple of wars. I want to bomb something. Okay?

Pelosi: We want video.

Obama: Are you kidding? We’ll have camera’s all over that shit.

Clyburn: What about civilians? These targets are in highly populated areas of Damascus.

Obama: Jimmy, come on, man. Bring it down a notch. There’ll be a few casualties, but it’s all for the bigger good. Right?

Boehner: Can we get one of those cool “situation room” photos with us watching the whole thing go down live?

Obama: Hell yeah. Just don’t start crying, John. [laughs]

Clyburn: But Sir, the American people are not behind this. Shouldn’t we listen to our citizens?

[Silence for several seconds and then uproarious laughter.]

Obama: That’s good. Whoa. Someone get Jimmy a drink. I didn’t know you were such a funny guy. Let’s go golfing one of these days.

McCarthy: Speaking of golf, I’ve got a tee time in 45 minutes. We about done here?

Obama: We all on the same page? Jimbo? Good. Okay. Peace out.

Congressional Democrats Have Their Own List

Washington, D.C. — In response to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), who claims to have a list of 17 socialists in congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she has compiled a list of 178 clinically insane members of congress. Although this figure corresponds to the exact number of Republicans in the House, Pelosi insisted this was a coincidence.

“Insanity does not recognize party lines, however, if you are a Republican, the chances that you are insane rise dramatically,” said the Speaker.

When asked to name the 178 insane congresspeople, Pelosi handed out a map of the House floor with the Republican side of the aisle highlighted in red.

“They congregated together,” said Pelosi.

Outraged Republicans issued a press release denouncing Pelosi and readjusting the number of socialists in congress upward to 257.