Palin and Trump: The Real Life Dumb and Dumber

If you haven’t seen Sarah Palin’s speech endorsing Donald Trump for President, you are missing out on an unforgettable moment in political theater.  Sporting a tinsel covered shawl, Alaska’s favorite deranged daughter delivered a word salad of unhinged attacks on Obama, the “lamestream media” and, somewhere in the cacophony of sounds, endorsed Donald Trump for President.

Like the head cheerleader at a high school pep rally, Palin became more animated and her voice grew louder as she blathered on in her attempt to rally the mindless around her favorite billionaire and garner a job in the Trump administration should, God help us all, that become a reality. As for the Donald, he stood uncomfortably at her side, arms dangling helplessly, with a tense grin that screamed, “Please shoot me now.”

With a combined IQ in double digits and the vocabulary of a fourth grader, Palin and Trump represent the absolute worst America has to offer, and they truly deserve each other. Palin may have a drinking problem, as some have suggested, but it’s her thinking problem that is the biggest threat to America’s future.

According to Sarah Palin, Trump is the candidate for Joe Six-Pack

The Republican Loonypalooza Show is a bottomless source of entertainment as candidates for the highest office in the country try to “out-crazy” their opponents. Yesterday it was Ted Cruz cooking bacon on the barrel of a machine gun. Today’s head-exploding offering is from the “Please-somebody-ask-me-to-run” non-candidate, the Grizzly Momma herself, Sarah Palin, who seems to be wooing a certain egomaniacal billionaire from New York. In a recent posting on Breitbart.com, Sarah wrote:

“The elites are shocked by Trump’s dominance, but everyday Americans aren’t. Everywhere I’ve gone this summer, including motorsport events in Detroit full of fed-up Joe Six-Pack Americans, the folks I meet commiserate about wussified slates of politicians, but then unsolicited, they whisper their appreciation for Trump because he has the guts to say it like it is.”

Donald Trump is the candidate for Joe Six-Pack Americans, according to Palin. The nation’s most arrogant, out-of-touch elitist is actually a man of the people, a defender of the little guy who can’t catch a break. Like Superman, Trump adopts a clever personae during the day, in his case, a racist, misogynistic billionaire blowhard, but at night, he dons overalls and a baseball cap and buys rounds of drinks at neighborhood bars, hands out free Slurpees in front of a 7/11, and rescues lost pets.

Loonypalooza rolls on to the debate tomorrow.  Buckle up, because it’s gonna be a wild ride.

This Week’s Crazy Conservatives

Montana lawmaker David Moore (R-Missoula) wants to expand his state’s indecent exposure laws to outlaw yoga pants and other tight-fitting or revealing clothing. It would also make it illegal for men to wear speedo swim trunks in public.

Republican state Rep. Alan Clemmons proposes what he’s calling the “Second Amendment Education Act.” As the name implies, the bill would “provide all public elementary schools, middle schools, and high schools” with “instruction in the Second Amendment” for no fewer than “three consecutive weeks in one grading period in each academic year.” The curriculum would be written by the NRA.

Responding to President Obama’s comments at a recent National Prayer Breakfast about Christians and historical violence in the name of religion, FOX News contributor Star Parker said, “Because I was in that room. And it was, frankly, verbal rape. Oh yeah. We were not expecting it. Nobody wanted it. It was horrible to sit through. And after it was over we all felt like crap.”

A Christian group CADMinistry (Christians Against Dinosaurs) is an advocacy group that argues against teaching children that dinosaurs actually existed. While it sounds like an Onionesque hoax, it appears to be real, and members have argued in online discussions that, “The science behind them is pretty flimsy, and I for one do not want my children being taught lies. Did you know that nobody had even heard of dinosaurs before the 1800s, when they were invented by curio-hungry Victorians?” and that dinosaurs “lack family values.”

During a legislative dinner where the subject under discussion was domestic violence, South Carolina State Sen. Thomas Corbin told fellow GOP state senator Katrina Shealy that women should be “at home baking cookies” or “barefoot and pregnant,” not serving in the state legislature. When Shealy asked Corbin where he got off making such statements, he responded, “Well, you know God created man first, then he took the rib out of man to make woman. And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat."

And of course, what list of crazy conservative comments would be complete without an entry from former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R)? In a speech to the North American Prospect Expo (NAPE) in Texas this week, Palin said that caribou that died as a result of oil pipeline expansions would have to “take one for the team.”

Palin for President? Think of the possibilities.

So Sarah Palin’s clan was involved in a brawl at a house party a few nights ago, with her eldest daughter Bristol going all UFC on the host. Got me thinking. Hey, America is going to hell in a hand basket as it is, why not have some fun along the way?

Can you imagine the entertainment value of a Palin presidency? Jimmy Carter’s beer guzzling brother Billy was worth a few laughs, but a whole White House full of white trash would be beyond epic. We’d be treated to scandals and brouhahas and guns going off and ATVs tearing up the Rose Garden and insanely inappropriate quotes…enough material for five blogs.

Heck, if Bill Maher is going to vote for Rand Paul, I just might write in Sarah Palin. Her presidency would be a lot more fun to watch.

McPalin Last Ditch Effort: Obama the Anti-Christ

Washington, D.C. – In a move many consider an act of desperation, presidential hopeful John McCain and his pick for VP Sarah Palin, used their final campaign stops to accuse Obama of being the Anti-Christ foretold in the bible.

“Why hasn’t anybody taken a look at Obama’s scalp for the little “666” tattooed there? Asked McCain at a Cleveland rally attended by a crowd in the dozens. “Come on, people. Is there a picture of Obama actually in a church? I haven’t seen it. Have you ever seen Obama with his shoes off? Could he be hiding cloven hooves? We cannot take the chance that we will put Beelzebub in the highest office of the most powerful country on earth.”

Palin carried a similar message to a handful of supporters in Atlanta.

“I have personally seen Obama breath fire on a puppy. It’s true. You don’t see him kissing babies because he’ll burn their tiny little faces if he does. Wouldn’t look good on the 10 o’clock news. That Obama guy is here to enslave all of us and kidnap white virgin females for orgies in the Oval Office. How can any red-blooded American person vote for that? Satan or John McCain? The answer is obvious.”

Obama’s campaign has not responded to the charges. “He’s busy taking measurements at the White House,” said an unidentified aide.

Palin opens gift shop on her website

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters. “Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket,” said the staff member overseeing the endeavor. Product offerings have created a stir among Democrats who object to what they claim are racially charged items.

“Here’s one example,” said a representative from the Democratic National Committee (DNC). “They sell a ‘Palin Rally Pack’ that consists of a pitchfork, a torch, and rope. What kind of message is that trying to send?”

The DNC representative was also upset by the ‘B.O. silhouette for target practice.’ A spokesperson for Palin claimed the B.O. initials stood for ‘Black Oppressor” and not Barak Obama.

The DNC rep was not convinced. “Either way, it’s racially tinged. They’re appealing to bigots and racists and inciting them toward violence.”

According to the Palin team, the hottest selling item is the Anthrax Stationary Set, which includes the addresses of every senator and congressperson now in office. “As attractive as it is,” noted the gift shop director, “the paper and ink are untraceable. It’s the perfect Christmas gift.”

Couric interview shocker: Palin can’t remember children’s names

New York City, NY - In a previously unreleased segment of Katie Couric’s recent interview with McCain running mate Sarah Palin, Couric asked Palin about her children and how they would react if Mommy was vice president of the United States. Palin initially denied she had any children, but when pressed, admitted that they did exist.

Couric: Why would you say you don’t have any children when you clearly do?

Palin: I thought we were talking about undocumented workers.

Couric: That was several questions ago.

Palin: My family is very special to me. I love them all very, very much.

Couric: Now your children have interesting and unique names. Can you talk about how you chose their names?

Palin: No.

Couric: Excuse me?

Palin: I’d rather not discuss my personal life.

Couric: You brought your family to the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret you have five children. I just wanted to know about their names.

Palin: Can we talk about offshore drilling? I have notes on that.

Couric: What are your children’s names?

Palin: I would be more than happy to get back to you regarding that question.

Couric: Your husband?

Palin: John…Todd. Oh, now you’ve really got me flustered. I feel like the media has my life under a telescope.

McCain Team Demands Eleventh-hour Concessions in VP Debate

Representatives from John McCain’s campaign have given the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) a list of demands related to the debate scheduled for this Thursday evening. Democrats angrily responded by claiming the maneuver was a blatant attempt to rig the debate in Sarah Palin’s favor.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said a McCain representative, who asked to remain anonymous. “These are really quite minor adjustments that should not have any impact on the debate itself.”

A copy of the demands was leaked to the press and highlights are reprinted here.

Questions addressed to Mrs. Palin may only include the following topics: Clothes, moose hunting, snowmobiling, make-up, Jesus.

Mr. Biden may not look at Mrs. Palin during the debate.

Mr. Biden may only answer questions in Mycenaean Greek

Mrs. Palin will be allowed to wear electronic devices that may or may not involve a helmet.

Following every response by Mr. Biden, the moderator will say, “That is the most ridiculous answer I’ve ever heard, even from a Satan-loving liberal. Don’t you agree, Governor Palin?”

Following each question for Mrs. Palin, she will be allowed five minutes to confer with advisors before answering.

Mrs. Palin will be declared the winner. Period.

Michelle Bachmann: McCain Betrayed Me

Washington, D.C. – A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president’s spot.

“I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can’t be happening. He’s selected a nobody from virtually another country when I’m standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?”

The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. “I’m more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I’m prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?”

Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. “He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, ‘I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.’ But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I’m late for therapy. Thank you all.”

Caught on tape: John McCain’s VP deliberations

Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.

Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.

McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.

Voice: Yes Sir.

McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?

Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.

McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.

Voice: Here’s her picture.

McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.

Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.

McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.

Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.

McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.

Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.

McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”

Voice: Sir. Are you all right?

McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.

Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—

McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.

Voice: But—

McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.

Voice: Yes sir.

McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.