Honor women’s contributions to history? God forbid, says Michele Bachmann

Minnesota’s much-revered intellectual philosopher congresswoman Michele Bachmann has been eerily quiet over the past few months. Yesterday, she broke her silence with a rousing denunciation of the National Women’s History Museum in Washington, D.C. Actually, there isn’t a National Women’s History Museum yet. In fact, the bi-partisan bill she railed against on the House floor is simply intended to create a commission to study the idea of a museum. And the museum would be privately funded. No tax dollars involved.

Bachmann’s preemptive rage is targeted at the possible content of the museum, a part of the project that hasn’t even been discussed yet. She worries that the museum will enshrine radical feminists and be an “ideological shrine to abortion.” In other words, Bachmann and other conservatives are afraid that those featured in the museum will be the women who actually made a difference in women’s history.

Once again, for anyone foolish enough to believe that Republicans want less government intervention in their private lives, you simply need to listen to Bachmann and her ilk discuss their version of history, the version they want our children to learn, to know this is a grand lie. Their faux history is already being taught in many private religious schools across the country, and they are working hard to bring it to public schools as well.

If you have questions about what Bachmann would like to see taught in our schools relating to history, please go to creationmuseum.org.  

Michele, we will miss you

I couldn’t let Michele Bachmann’s announcement that she isn’t running for Congress again go by without comment. I’ve written many times over the years about Minnesota’s favorite loon; her dispatches from Planet Tea Party have been comedy gold. In fact, go to today’s issue of Mother Jones for a compendium of her most cherished misstatements, muddled messages and made up shit.

I will miss Bachmann. Unlike many of her fellow conservatives, she never tried to cover up her extremism with a veneer of socially acceptable behavior. She never once turned to any of her advisers and asked, “Does that make me sound insane?” She never made any excuses for living in an alternate reality. She was, and remains, crazy and proud of it. I respect that. She will be hard to replace.

We will miss you, Michele. Godspeed.

Batty Bachmann Behaving Badly

Minnesota’s favorite loon, Congressperson Michele Bachmann, is facing a congressional ethics probe. The article in today's Daily Beast offers a laundry list of accusations being leveled against Bachmann from people who worked on her recent presidential campaign.

Shit happens when you live in an alternate universe. Confusing right-wing propaganda and slurs with facts, the Tea Party Darling is a living legend when it comes to jaw-dropping misstatements and hallucinatory pronouncements. If you have heard only a fraction of the ludicrous, fact-challenged utterances from Bachmann over the years, you know that she is a proud member of the unreality-based world. So it should come as little surprise that she would ignore the rules and regulations of a reality that she does not acknowledge.

One can only hope she is ultimately saved from herself and admitted to an institution that is equipped to deal with people who are untethered from the existence in which most of us find ourselves. Congress, unfortunately, is filled with far too many enablers.

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Michelle Bachmann: Call of the Loon

The loon is our state bird. Don’t laugh. Nothing can moisten the eye of a Minnesotan quicker than hearing the eerie, tremulous call of a loon from the middle of a mist-covered lake.

We love loons so much we sent one to Congress. Yep. One of the bluer states in America elected a notorious right-wing evangelical ideologue to represent it in Washington D.C. Twice. Actually, calling sixth district Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “right-wing” is kind of like calling Minnesota winters “brisk.” Bachmann is truly in a category all by herself.

During her tenure representing ‘the fighting sixth,” Bachmann has eagerly shared her bizarre spin on the issues during numerous television and radio appearances and with her colleagues in Congress. This woman is not afraid to speak her mind, and for that reason, Bachmann has carved out a noteworthy niche among her fellow representatives: Looniest gal in the room.

You may remember Bachmann’s YouTube splash after Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address when she put a death grip on the president’s shoulder and wouldn’t let go. The over-heated Bachmann was a millisecond away from being escorted out of the event by men who talk into the sleeves of their trenchcoats. Then, when Bush came to Minneapolis after a major bridge collapse, Bachmann claimed the president attempted to assuage her distress by examining her tonsils with his tongue (she euphemistically said “kiss”) during an inspection of the wreckage.

“Oh, John,” you non-Minnesotans argue, “Bachmann can’t be any worse than (fill in your congressperson).” Well, yes she can. But please don’t let me prattle on. Bachmann has no qualms about speaking for herself.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

“We’re running out of rich people in this country."

We do love loons in Minnesota. Wait, I hear one calling now. Or is that another Bachmann press conference?

Michele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals

In an interview with a Minneapolis radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals.

“It’s a win/win situation,” said Bachmann. “Cattle farmers will no longer have to pay for expensive feed or fertilizer, and we’ll get rid of all those un-American, terrorist-loving liberals at the same time. It’s perfect.”

Asked whether this wouldn’t be considered mass murder or genocide, Bachmann scoffed. “That would only apply if we were talking about real Americans. Then it would be a crime. But these are liberals. Don’t you see? They hate America and every thing it stands for. Why should they be allowed to suck up perfectly good air? That’s the real question.”

A caller wondered how the process would work and whether there might be a financial reward for turning in liberals. “Oh, absolutely,” Bachmann replied. “We would have to depend on our citizens to do the patriotic thing and hand over any liberals they know to the government. Our nation is at stake here people. This is serious.”

Bachmann said she has held talks with national feed and fertilizer companies, and that they have expressed guarded interest in the idea.

Michelle Bachmann: McCain Betrayed Me

Washington, D.C. – A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president’s spot.

“I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can’t be happening. He’s selected a nobody from virtually another country when I’m standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?”

The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. “I’m more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I’m prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?”

Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. “He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, ‘I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.’ But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I’m late for therapy. Thank you all.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Advocates Backyard Oil Rigs

Washington, D.C. – During a teleconference today, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that to help cut gas prices, congress should open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, and allow for the expansion of oil exploration in other areas including Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and off the Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf of Mexico coasts.

Bachmann went a step further and said every patriotic family in America should drill for oil in their own backyard.

“Let’s put American ingenuity to work on an individual basis. Most homeowners have a shovel. I say, start digging. If you can get your hands on an oil rig, all the better. But let’s not just sit on our rears watching Wheel of Fortune while gas prices skyrocket. Government can’t do everything.”

A reporter asked Bachmann about the practicality of trying to dig for oil with a shovel.

“Look, I don’t know the technicalities involved in drilling for oil. I just know you make a hole and the oil spurts up. How hard is that? Heck, Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies struck oil by shooting into the ground. So buy guns, people. Shoot the ground. Let’s get creative, America.”

During the interview, Bachmann had nothing but praise for President Bush and his energy policies, saying, “He could drill in my backyard anytime.”

Dim Bulb Bachmann Does it Again

The United States is beginning its sixth year of war in Iraq with no end in sight. Our military war dead now top 4,000, with hundreds of thousands of Iraqis either dead or displaced. America is on the brink of an economic recession if not already in one. Our standing in the world is at an all-time low. The president and vice president dismiss the will of the people and thumb their noses at the democratic process.

And Minnesota representative Michele Bachmann wants to talk about light bulbs.

The intellectually vapid Bachmann has found yet another way to embarrasses her home state in front of the world. In a move that can only be seen as ideological grand standing, Bachman has introduced something called the “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act” in the house. Yes, you read that right.

According to the Star-Tribune, Bachmann “…is challenging the nation's embrace of energy-efficient compact fluorescent lights, saying the government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy.”

Global warming as a result of human activity is a hoax, according to Bachmann, thus her courageous pro-choice light bulb stance.

Poor Michele is forever in the dark, substituting rote conservative dogma for actual thinking. I guess that makes her the ideal candidate for a position in the Bush administration in its remaining months. A long black robe, perhaps?

“Please, Mr. President. Not in public.”

Minnesota’s lovably loony congressperson Michele Bachmann is at it again. This time she claims that President Bush tried a little grope-a-dope at the site of the 35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis, and she rejected his gesture. According to the site Think Progress, Bachmann made these remarks during a local radio show:

The President and I enjoy a great relationship. When he and I were back visiting the collapsed bridge, he reached over because he wanted to give me a kiss when we were down at the site, and I had pulled back and he said, “What? You don’t want to embrace?” And I said, “The people of Minnesota love you Mr. President, but I think one kiss was enough.”

Where, oh where, to begin. First off, Michele’s assertion that Minnesotans love George Bush is itself a delusion. She might love the Shrub, but poll after poll tells us that the majority of Minnesotans (a group of which I am a member) detest George and his policies.

Then there’s the kiss thing. Her use of the word “kiss” is interesting. How exactly did she know he wanted to kiss her and wasn’t simply offering her a comforting hug? Was his tongue hanging out? His reaction, according to Bachmann, “What? You don’t want to embrace?” simply doesn’t sound like anything Bush would actually say. He might mutter, “Huh?” or “What’s wrong?” but “You don’t want to embrace?” rings false.

Michele has a unique world-view that begs you to question virtually anything she says, and she seems to have a difficult time distinguishing between what’s appropriate what’s not. Hiding behind bushes to watch people: Not appropriate. Grabbing and holding on to the President of the United States at his State of the Union Address: Not appropriate. Accepting a comforting embrace from the president at the site of a terrible disaster: Probably appropriate.

Bachmann Update: Still crazy

That wacky Michele Bachmann is at it again. In a recent interview, she described in detail a SECRET plan by Iran to divide up Iraq and create a “terrorist safe haven zone” called “The Iraq State of Islam.” Of course when questioned later, her office said there actually is no secret plan.

Thank you, fellow Minnesotans of the 6th District, for sending a mentally imbalanced person to Washington who will provide the rest of the country with yuks at our expense for years to come.

Michele Bachmann puts the squeeze on Bush

I’ve blogged before that I suspect our new House member from Minnesota Michele Bachmann is mentally imbalanced based on her bizarre comments during last year’s campaign. My suspicions were further strengthened after her performance at the end of last night’s State of the Union address.

You can see the incident in all its weirdness on YouTube.

Bush has finished his speech and is leaving the chambers, stopping momentarily to shake hands and sign autographs for House members. As he makes his way down the corridor, Bachmann, looking like Mary Tyler Moore hepped up on giddy pills, grabs the President’s shoulder. He gives her a quick autograph and turns his attention to others, but SHE DOESN”T LET GO. She keeps a firm grip on the Prez as he talks to others and gives another woman a peck on the cheek.

Bachmann keeps squeezing the President until he turns back to her and gives her a hug and kiss. Even then, she continues touching his back for several more seconds. The news people at Channel 5 estimated her WWF hold on the Smirking One lasted a full 30 seconds.

I’m surprised Secret Service agents didn’t step in and pull the obviously over-stimulated Bachmann off of Bush.

Evidently, lies and hollow rhetoric turn her on. Sure makes a Minnesotan proud.