Can Bush Keep Surge Up?

Washington, D.C. - At a news conference today, President Bush reiterated his determination to continue the surge despite escalating violence in Iraq.

“We will not withdraw until this operation reaches a climax,” Bush told reporters. “We will keep pushing and pushing the enemy as hard as we can.”

In answer to critics who say the surge is softening, Bush was clear. “Our commitment remains firm and hard. Sure, it’s a lot of work. No one said it would be easy, but once we finish off the terrorists, tension will be released and the Iraqi people will be able to breath a heavy sigh of relief.”

A reporter wondered if he was satisfied with the Iraq government’s response to the surge. “They have been very excited by it and stimulated to respond appropriately. They believe as I believe that success is coming.”

President Bush bristled at a suggestion that our troops did not have adequate protection in that messy region. “Our brave soldiers are well protected and I know for a fact that they only shoot when absolutely necessary, but when the time comes, they will fire their weapons without hesitation.”

The news conference was called to an abrupt end and the president was seen walking unsteadily back into the White House. The White House physician later told reporters that the president had suffered from a pulled groin muscle.

Troop Throb in Iraq, Says Snow

WASHINGTON DC – At this morning’s briefing, White House press secretary Tony Snow introduced new administration terminology related to the President’s troop surge in Iraq.

“What we’re doing in Iraq is really better described as a throb rather than a full-fledged surge. We want to keep expectations at the throb level, which is only slightly less aggressive than a surge. Our goals remain the same.”

A reporter asked Snow why the latest strategy wasn’t a swell or gush of troops.

“No, we’re not swelling,” asserted Snow. “And we are absolutely not gushing or, I might add, undulating. Let me make that clear. This is a troop throb to secure Baghdad and assist the fledgling government with security.”

Caroline Matthers from the Washington Post asked Snow to clarify exactly how many troops would be inserted as part of the throb.

“That’s one of the reasons why our terminology has shifted slightly. Instead of the 20,000 number previously stated, we will be sending closer to 500 additional troops.”

One reporter asked if that was a strong enough throb to achieve success.

“We believe that the thrust of our throb will be sufficient to fill the security void and help propagate peace in that war torn city.”