Tests are hard

Ah, the South...

From my old friend Dan.

Some VP advice for Romney

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is now in the process of selecting his VP running mate. Surprisingly, I haven’t yet gotten the call from his campaign team regarding my recommendations, but I am expecting it very soon. In the meantime, here are my leading candidates for the Mittster’s second-in-command with the pros and cons of each one. You’re welcome, Romney camp.



Homer Simpson
Pros: Will make Romney look smart. Solid family man. Supporter of nuclear energy. High name recognition.
Cons: Cartoon character.

Ted Nugent
 Pros: Solid conservative credentials. Counterbalance Romney’s “elitist” image. High name recognition.
 Cons: He’s crazy.

 Pippa Middleton
 Pros: She’s hot.
 Cons: She’s British

Stephan Colbert
Pros: Articulate. Speaks our language. Good sense of humor. Smart (people think he’s a liberal playing the part of a conservative, that’s how good he is). Clean.
Cons: Might actually say “yes.”

Zeddie “Watkins” Little
Pros: He’s ridiculously photogenic.
Cons: None.

Ann Coulter
 Pros: High-profile conservative. Articulate. Photogenic. Good name recognition.
Cons: She could be a man.

Snoop Dogg
Pros: African American. Well-known rapper and actor. Will keep staff supplied with blunts.
Cons: All of the above.

Steve Jobs
Pros: Brilliant mind. Successful industry leader. Visionary.
Cons: He’s dead.

Bat Shit Crazy

(To the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever")

Well I don't know why
You don’t understand
The President is Satan’s child
And if he’s reelected
I know what I’ll do
The hate is driving me wild

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

God, guts and guns
Made this country great
I don’t care what you say
I’ll shout you down
And stomp on your face
All you commies will pay

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

I love to kill things
With my big ol’ gun
But Obama wants to take it away
It makes a grown man cryin' cryin'
All I see is red

They call me a hater
But I don’t care
It gets my name in the news
If you disagree
There’s only one thing to do
Watch me light the fuse

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

Obama: I’m high on hypocrisy

WASHINGTON — President Obama made a rare admission today during a briefing with reporters. The President said that being a hypocrite gave him a high that made cocaine seem as potent as “Cheeto dust.” Certain to raise the hackles of his supporters was this statement from Obama; “When I said in the 2008 campaign that I wasn’t going to go after medical marijuana, and then I turned around and did as President, I was baked like a motherfucker for weeks.”

When a reporter asked the President if he was high at the moment, Obama said, “No,” and then broke into hysterical laughter that lasted several minutes. After bringing himself under control, he told the assembled reporters how much respect he had for them, and once again burst into a violent laughing fit that forced the briefing to be cancelled.

Later in the day the President’s staff issued a statement saying the president had accidentally taken more than the prescribed dosage of cold medication before the meeting, ending with the familiar internet term, LOL.

Between Barack and a Hard Place

Unfortunately, history repeats itself all too often. We humans rarely seem to have the wisdom or wherewithal to avoid repeating our past blunders even within generations. Consider the bloodshed and destruction that continues in Vietnamistan, as we remain bogged down by an insurgency that, like cockroaches, will never be eradicated by force. We’ve seen this before.

On the political front, we progressives sit looking at an election some seven months away thinking we’ve been transported back to 1997. During the run up to his first term, Bill Clinton talked the talk and progressives and liberals, seeing an opportunity to oust the bumbling senior Bush, voted for the man from Arkansas with a muted sense of hope and optimism. Four years later, we knew we’d been snookered by a centrist, political animal who easily slid back and forth along the political spectrum to enact policies that were in line with the thinking of the centrist/conservative Democratic Leadership Group, which he helped found. So we had a dilemma. No progressive was going to vote for Robert Dole, but there was little enthusiasm for a second Clinton term.

Which brings us to 2012. Just over three years ago, Barack Obama campaigned for the U.S. presidency and electrified many liberals and progressives with his promise to change the way things were done in Washington. It was a powerful message after eight years of inept and irresponsible policies promoted by Bush the Younger — two unnecessary wars, a declining economy due to tax cuts for the wealthy, the loss of respect internationally, etc. Obama pledged to reverse much of what Bush had enacted, which we believed included the horrendous Patriot Act and other abusive and unconstitutional policies related to homeland security. So we voted for Obama, and surprise, surprise, the change we had been promised never arrived.

Obama has proven to be every bit as centrist and politically malleable as Clinton, and has been in some cases, worse. It started right after his inauguration when he began appointing his cabinet, which he filled with Washington and Wall Street insiders who have shown they have little interest in real change. From there it’s been downhill. Many of Bush’s most repressive and unconstitutional homeland security policies remain intact. Almost four years later we are still fighting in Afghanistan and continue to have forces in Iraq. Information has leaked out that during the recent budget negotiations in 2011, Obama was willing to give away practically everything to Boehner, essentially handing the Republicans a victory on a silver platter. Fortunately they were too stupid to make the deal and still held out for more.

Now there’s this. Despite Obama’s rhetoric on taxing the rich, a new study shows that income inequality is actually worse under our current president than it was under Bush. This is the result of fiscal policies that are the exact opposite of “change,” but even more of the status quo.

So here we are in the midst of an election year sitting right where we were in 1997. Of course, Obama’s people know that we will not vote for Romney. We are once again faced with having to vote for a Democrat who is more Republican-lite than liberal, who is willing to negotiate away Democratic priorities in some delusional bid for bipartisanship. Our so-called two-party system is a joke, and the recent Supreme Court ruling that gives corporations the same rights as individuals has only made a bad situation worse.

There is only one party in America and its name is control, not change.

Think you're having a bad day?

Why Cut Off the Hand That Feeds You?

I have a question that I am simply throwing out into the ethos, basically because I don’t have any friends who are economists and capable of answering it.

Over the past 30 years, economic policy in this country has served to decimate the middle class. Trickle down economics, free trade, tax cuts for the wealthy, Wall Street shenanigans, allowing jobs to be sent overseas, etc., all have served to financially cripple that once large swath of people in the middle income range.

Say I own a company that manufactures appliances or automobiles or homes. My question is this: Why would I support economic policies that financially weaken the large group of people who I depend on to buy my products? As more and more people are forced downward on the economic scale and into low paying service jobs or unemployment, there are going to be fewer and fewer people able to buy my cars or homes or dishwashers. Destroying the middle class seems like economic suicide to me, yet the elite in this country, many of whom run Fortune 500 companies, continue to contribute to candidates who support these poisonous policies.

I’m left scratching my head.

Our Future?

There’s no doubt that Republicans do a much better job of pushing voter hot buttons than Democrats. Now that we are in campaign mode, we hear the conservative mantra over and over again in their speeches and ads: No new taxes. Get the government off my back. Government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem. The interesting thing is that there aren’t any three or four or five word rebuttals to these statements. It requires analysis and thoughtful discussion to address these issues, but who has time for that? Certainly not the voting public. But as clever, emotional and effective as these phrases are, do conservatives ever lay awake at night and think about what our country would be like if they had all their wishes granted? It’s hard to believe they do, but if they would like a bit of help visualizing our country based on the actual realization of their campaign rhetoric, here’s a snapshot of America in the conservative era. Some might argue that much of what’s here is already fact, but believe me, it could be much worse if nothing is done to stop it. Pleasant dreams.

Small federal government:

A weak and toothless fed exists solely to serve the interests of the military/industrial complex. Continuous war becomes the only sustainable function of the federal government. Elections become so corrupted by money that participation dwindles and the process is eventually abandoned. The “unitary executive” philosophy is carried to its logical conclusion and we are eventually ruled by a “strong man.” Congressional seats are openly bought and sold. States become nearly autonomous countries with widely varied and contradictory laws and policies, and each has its own paramilitary force. The U.N. is kicked out of America and many past international treaties are annulled. The U.S. is considered a Rogue State by much of the rest of the world.

Low or no taxes:

Roads and bridges go unrepaired and become impassable. With no Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security, the elderly and disabled are essentially abandoned and left to beg or panhandle for food. The price of everything skyrockets. Healthcare is only available to the wealthy. There are no firefighters or emergency responders and communities must rely on volunteers when tragedy strikes. The wealthy live in enclaves and have private security forces. With no regulations or standards, the contents of the foods we eat becomes ever more questionable and millions of deaths a year are attributed to contaminated food sources. Unregulated businesses pump tons of toxic chemicals into the air and water, which also leads to the deaths of millions. Single-family homes are unaffordable for most families.

Privatize everything:

No public education. Private schools compete for students as colleges do now. Poor, minority, physically and emotionally challenged students fall through the gaping cracks and are lucky if they receive any education at all. With no national standards, schools are able to teach whatever nonsense they want. Unemployment due to an unskilled workforce soars. Teaching becomes religious indoctrination. There are no labor laws or regulations on businesses, so workers can be paid slave wages and forced to work in unsafe conditions. Children must work to help families survive. An underground and illegal economy evolves based on bartering and bribery. Gangs control the distribution of necessities such as gas, medicine, food, etc. Other countries set up sweatshops in America to manufacture products.

A Christian Nation:

Christianity is officially declared the national religion. Other religions are deemed false and followers are shunned or ostracized. Christians receive preferential treatment at every level of society. Laws are passed based on conservative Christian interpretations of the bible. Abortion is illegal under any circumstances and homosexual activity is a felony. Political descent is forbidden and the media is essentially a government mouthpiece. There is no government funding for the arts, and forms of artistic expression are strictly monitored and censored by the state. Gun laws are abolished and gun related fatalities soar.

Crime and Punishment:

The one industry in the country that thrives is private prisons. The law and order mentality of the Christian government means that millions of additional Americans are arrested and locked up each year. Crimes Against Christianity becomes a new category of laws under which many are jailed. Torture is commonplace as are public executions. Reeducation camps are created for artists and intellectuals who dissent from the thought parameters set up by the state. Police are given near limitless powers to arrest or detain citizens at will, and trials are a mere formality.

Blame Obama? Try again.

In 2001, the CBO projected a cumulative surplus of $6 trillion. This graph shows how that surplus was turned into a $6 trillion deficit.

Inappropriate Thoughts

You know what I wonder about? I wonder about the kids who don’t cry when they sit on Santa’slap at the mall. Here they are straddling the leg of a total stranger with whisky breath touching them in their “no-no” places whose laugh is as phony as his beard. What could be more terrifying than that? The one thing these kids must be thinking is, “I’d better get what I want Christmas morning or someone’s going to die in their sleep. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mommy.”

And if the Christmas season is supposed to be about Christ, why don’t they have Christ at the mall? Santa’s basically a delivery guy. What could be more appropriate than having your picture taken sitting on Jesus’s knee? And when kids come up, he can ask them, “So, what are getting me for my birthday?”

And don’t get me started on the Easter Bunny.

Precious

Sorry, we're closed

Priorities

Gotta have heart

The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.

I can't always explain myself

The Beach is Back

Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke translated

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity [I have railed against reality with comments that in most other first-world countries would get me involuntarily committed], three hours a day, five days a week [you think it’s easy being batshit crazy every day? It's exhausting.]. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation [next time I will use the synonym finder]. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke [even though it sounded exactly like one].

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times [there’s a Marxist Kenyon sitting in the White House, people], we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress [who would do that 24-hours a day if we let them]. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities [unless I can watch]. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability [for women]? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow [if I’m too fat and ugly to get a piece without paying for it, nobody gets a piece]? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue [temper tantrum], I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone's bedroom [unless it involves any activity other than sleeping] nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level [what do Kenyan’s know about contraception anyway?].

My choice of words was not the best [floozy or harlot might have worked better], and in the attempt to be humorous [I also think putting kitties in the microwave is a hoot], I created a national stir [rational people got upset]. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke [the slut] for the insulting word choices [ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hah!].

The one form of birth control Rick Santorum might approve of.