Six years ago, George Bush walked into a Las Vegas casino wearing a ten-gallon hat and shiny new boots. He had huge wads of cash in every pocket and was accompanied by a posse of true believers. The Crawford Kid was a glittery rhinestone cowboy ready to show Vegas what a real Texas bettin’ man could do.
Stepping across the threshold, he paused for a few beats and cased the joint, unsure about where to go or what to do. Then, miraculously, a seat opened up at the ultra-high stakes blackjack table. This was the opportunity of a lifetime for the Kid and he swaggered up to the stool and climbed on like he was hopping into the saddle to break a wild mustang.
Problem is, the dealer was no fool, and he immediately spotted the Kid for what he was—a big-talking rube. All hat and no cattle. In his career Mr. dealer had seen scores of rich kids like George all drunk on money and power coming into the casino thinking they actually controlled the universe, when in reality it was the other way around.
King of the world on his leather throne, the Crawford Kid started playing. Of course, Mr. Dealer started playing as well; playing the rube like a violin. George won some of the first few hands and was ecstatic. “Look,” he said. “I know what I’m doing.” The posse cheered, blinded by the piles of chips next to the kid’s hand that they hoped he would share with them when it was over.
A few more winning hands emboldened the Kid. He wasn’t into card counting or theories of probability. George relied on his instincts, those gut feelings he had about when to hit or hold, and they were working beautifully. He started betting more with each hand.
Soon, the winning and losing started evening out. A more mature gambler might look at his stack of chips, see that he was comfortably ahead, and leave the table to play another day. But, as the dealer well new, Bush was not mature, and the cowBOY became agitated that he was losing hands.
After a few more losses, the Kid’s thinking went something like this: I’m bound to win one of the next few hands, so I’ll increase my bet even more to recoup what I've lost. This is a fatal mistake for gamblers and one of the reasons why the house always wins. The good dealer, like the matador toying with an increasingly angry bull, knows that the weak gambler eventually loses his ability to play rationally the more he goes in the hole.
The other players at the table sensed that the Kid was growing testier the faster his chips disappeared, and they quietly withdrew from the game. George didn’t understand why they were quitting when he knew for a certainty that things would start turning around for him any hand now. Even many in his entourage took their leave, which angered the Kid even more.
Now he was losing consistently. He blamed the dealer. He blamed his closest friends. He blamed the casino. But he never blamed himself. Nor did he stop playing. He kept betting and borrowing money from people, feverish with the need to win some hands and regain his money and his pride. The losing continued.
Finally the Kid was flat broke, but he wouldn’t leave the table. He became belligerent and threatening. There was discussion among management about how to handle the situation. They new George was from a wealthy, politically powerful family and were not enthusiastic about the publicity that would be generated by throwing him out. But soon complaints from other gamblers grew loud enough to spur the managers to action, and they finally tossed the Crawford Kid out of the casino.
The Kid works on a ranch now, clearing brush for a living. He is a bitter and angry man these days, and he blames that Vegas casino for all his troubles. If you’re around him, you’ll hear him muttering to himself, “One more hand.” “Just one more hand.”
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A new holiday from Glorious Leader
Washington, DC - In a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Bush and a number of cabinet members danced on the lawn and sang Christian hymns after declaring January 4, “Day of the Decider.”
In his brief speech before friends and family, Bush said the day would be a national holiday and would allow Americans to “…celebrate my presidency in prayer and joyful skits illustrating my many courageous moments as the ultimate decider.”
Reporters were asked to join the dance by the barefoot Secretary of State Rice. The FOX News team was the only group that chose to participate.
Most Democrats responded to the announcement with comments similar to those made by Senator Ted Kennedy: “He’s gone fucking nuts.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “Impeachment is definitely back on the table, as is involuntary commitment.”
Friday, December 29, 2006
The very short list of things stupider than sending 20,000 more American soldiers to Iraq.
• Wearing fire hats
• Repeatedly stabbing your penis with an ice pick
• Attending a Yanni/John Tesh concert
• Handing out sticks of dynamite to Halloween trick or treaters
• Shaving your pit bull with a straight razor
• Paying for a vowel on Wheel of Fortune
• Attempting to conquer Mt. Everest in the nude
• Marrying Mike Tyson
• Trusting George Bush
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Failed human #356,532,5338,907
Working on Andrew Getzman (Getz) was always amusing. Probing the poor human’s mind was like being lost in the labyrinth of Rummaltus—there was something fascinating and repulsive around every corner. How such an inept, unremarkable human had been chosen for harvesting was a question no one in the clinic could answer, nor would they try, for it was a decision made very, very far away.
The team always took a short break from sperm extraction and tracking device implantation to watch Getz’s latest lurid fantasy on the monitor. Over the years, the group had been treated to an encyclopedia of human sexual frustration and fetishes, yet there was always a thread of pathos in his personal fantasies that made them more intriguing than most.
During this visit to the galactic out-clinic, the theme was premature ejaculation. Every time he glanced at a woman’s foot he instantly became stiff and came in his pants. The scene repeated itself several times until after another embarrassing eruption, Getz began screaming as he had been staring at a goat’s hoof. Everyone around the operating table yipped several times, shook their large gray heads in pity and went back to work.
Getz saw himself screaming then realized he was screaming, sitting upright, drenched with sweat. He threw off his covers and jumped out of bed, walking around the room and stopping in confusion like a human bumper car.
It had happened again. Abducted. Right from his freaking bedroom. Just like all the other times when the grays came through the wall like micro-ninjas with helium-inflated heads to sedate and kidnap him. Words and phrases angrily erupted as he paced in his underwear.
“They got me again. Fuck.”
He stopped suddenly, stretched out the top of his briefs and inspected his genitals. Swooning, he reached down with one hand and pulled up an object to inspect it. His face contorted with agony as he stared at a smiley-face band-aid.
“Those bastards.”
He angrily threw the band aid at the wall, and then reached behind his neck, tearing off another band-aid.
“Scooby Doo?” he moaned, falling face down on his bed. “Oh God, what did they do to me this time? What did they do?”
Getz had given up trying to get help several abductions ago. No one took him seriously. Sure, he could show the band-aids to his shrink and say, ‘Look. Here’s your proof,’ but all he’d get for his trouble would be a condescending smile and another bill he couldn’t pay. He knew exactly how it would unfold.
“Andrew,” Dr. Eggers would say as he rested his chin on his fingertips. “A person can buy these band-aids at any Wal-Mart in America. Do you think the aliens shop at Wal-Mart?”
“If they cared about saving money, they would.” The moment this came out of his mouth, Getz new it was all wrong. Dr. Eggers laughed like a braying donkey. “I meant,” Getz continued, trying once again to make Eggers see the all too obvious web of connections, “the aliens would probably buy supplies like band-aids on earth. Maybe from Wal-Mart. They couldn’t let me go walking around with an actual alien band-aid stuck to my body. Now could they?”
Realizing that Getz wasn’t laughing with him, Dr. Eggers quickly transitioned back to his well-worn serious continence, although the jolt made him cough uncontrollably.
“I am…very sorry, Andrew, but I thought you were—”
“Joking. I know.”
“Perhaps you should start coming in twice a month.”
Thursday, December 21, 2006
George Will: The last serious man
Like a Christmas goose stuffed to overflowing with breadcrumbs and celery, George Will is completely full of shit. Unfortunately, we can’t put him in the oven for three hours to cook. I guess that would be considered murder.
In today’s column, Will bemoans Time magazine’s selection of person of the year, which happens to be everybody who uses the Web. Like a bewigged seventeenth century French aristocrat, Will arches an eyebrow and sneers at bloggers and others who dare to think that their lives or opinions are anything but an absolute snore.
“The most capacious modern entitlement is not to Social Security but to self-esteem. So Time's cover features a mirror-like panel. The reader -- but why bother to read the magazine when merely gazing at its cover gives intense gratification? -- can gaze at the reflection of his or her favorite person. Narcissism is news? Evidently.”
Will believes that 99.9% of what’s on the Web lacks seriousness. That is, of course, a ridiculous statement, but here is one that is not: 99.9% of all conservative commentators and pundits lack intellectual seriousness. Will tries to camouflage his vacuous ideas in professorial prose. Others, like O’Reilly and Limbaugh prefer intimidation and shouting. Nonetheless, on the intellectual seriousness meter, all fall below the “laughable” line.
Being the hopeless elitist he is, Will feels threatened by the Web. I’m sure George is convinced that only he and a handful of other syndicated columnists have anything useful or profound to say. The threat, however, comes not from any intellectually superior scribes, but from the sheer mass of writers who steal attention from the traditional, serious thought leaders.
“Most bloggers have the private purpose of expressing themselves, for their own satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with that, but nothing demanding or especially admirable, either.”
So there is nothing admirable in my desire to express myself. He’s right of course. Why would I want to express myself when I can read George Will expressing himself? He’s serious, you know.
In today’s column, Will bemoans Time magazine’s selection of person of the year, which happens to be everybody who uses the Web. Like a bewigged seventeenth century French aristocrat, Will arches an eyebrow and sneers at bloggers and others who dare to think that their lives or opinions are anything but an absolute snore.
“The most capacious modern entitlement is not to Social Security but to self-esteem. So Time's cover features a mirror-like panel. The reader -- but why bother to read the magazine when merely gazing at its cover gives intense gratification? -- can gaze at the reflection of his or her favorite person. Narcissism is news? Evidently.”
Will believes that 99.9% of what’s on the Web lacks seriousness. That is, of course, a ridiculous statement, but here is one that is not: 99.9% of all conservative commentators and pundits lack intellectual seriousness. Will tries to camouflage his vacuous ideas in professorial prose. Others, like O’Reilly and Limbaugh prefer intimidation and shouting. Nonetheless, on the intellectual seriousness meter, all fall below the “laughable” line.
Being the hopeless elitist he is, Will feels threatened by the Web. I’m sure George is convinced that only he and a handful of other syndicated columnists have anything useful or profound to say. The threat, however, comes not from any intellectually superior scribes, but from the sheer mass of writers who steal attention from the traditional, serious thought leaders.
“Most bloggers have the private purpose of expressing themselves, for their own satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with that, but nothing demanding or especially admirable, either.”
So there is nothing admirable in my desire to express myself. He’s right of course. Why would I want to express myself when I can read George Will expressing himself? He’s serious, you know.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Bush stuns world with press conference remarks
At a press conference today, President Bush said that insurgents in Iraq thwarted U.S. efforts at "establishing security and stability throughout the country'' in 2006. As reporters fell silent in shocked disbelief, the president went on, claiming that the sun is hot and that bears do shit in the woods.
The astonishing revelation that insurgents were hampering the U.S. effort in Iraq has reverberated around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair fainted after being given the news. Italian President Carlo Ciampi reportedly soiled himself. Other world leaders expressed disbelief.
In a second explosive observation, Bush declared that we are not winning in Iraq, but we’re not losing, either. The already shaken press corps tried to make sense of this statement. A reporter asked, “If we’re not winning and we’re not losing, what are we doing?”
The President responded: “We are winosing. It’s a combination of winning and losing.”
President Bush then tried to clarify a statement he made in November that the United States is “absolutely winning” in Iraq. “What I meant was that we were winning in my mind. When I think we are winning, that means we are winning. Now, I think we are winosing, so that’s what is happening now…in reality. Sometimes I get the two mixed up.”
Several reporters tried to ask follow-up questions, but were told to “shut your pie holes” by the President, who then quickly left the room under very tight security.
The astonishing revelation that insurgents were hampering the U.S. effort in Iraq has reverberated around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair fainted after being given the news. Italian President Carlo Ciampi reportedly soiled himself. Other world leaders expressed disbelief.
In a second explosive observation, Bush declared that we are not winning in Iraq, but we’re not losing, either. The already shaken press corps tried to make sense of this statement. A reporter asked, “If we’re not winning and we’re not losing, what are we doing?”
The President responded: “We are winosing. It’s a combination of winning and losing.”
President Bush then tried to clarify a statement he made in November that the United States is “absolutely winning” in Iraq. “What I meant was that we were winning in my mind. When I think we are winning, that means we are winning. Now, I think we are winosing, so that’s what is happening now…in reality. Sometimes I get the two mixed up.”
Several reporters tried to ask follow-up questions, but were told to “shut your pie holes” by the President, who then quickly left the room under very tight security.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Bush is desperate. Dems need to pay attention.
In a last ditch effort to save face (after all, what could be more important than that?), President Bush wants to send 15,000 to 30,000 new troops to Iraq, over the objections of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
We all wondered what a desperate GW would do when all the cards came tumbling down, and now we know. He’s going to send more people to kill and be killed. Why didn’t I think of that?
Unfortunately for all of us, the madness of King George is not being taken with nearly the seriousness it deserves by Democrats in Washington. Still busy patting each other on the back after the November election, the Dems continue to treat Bush as if he is the legitimate Commander and Chief, and not the deranged demagogue he truly is.
The last six years have been a series of “Who could believe” moments. Who could believe national elections could be stolen? Who could believe that an inarticulate mental midget would hold the reigns of the last superpower on earth? Who could believe that any President would openly display such disdain for the people who elected him? Who could believe that the United States would become the Evil Empire to the rest of the world?
After all of this, why is it so hard to believe that we have a deranged and dangerous President sitting in the Oval Office; a President who wasn’t capable of making rationale decisions to begin with, but who is now under intense pressure to do something about the mess he created? The Democrats should not treat Bush’s present mental state lightly.
Sending more troops to Iraq is madness and must not be allowed.
We all wondered what a desperate GW would do when all the cards came tumbling down, and now we know. He’s going to send more people to kill and be killed. Why didn’t I think of that?
Unfortunately for all of us, the madness of King George is not being taken with nearly the seriousness it deserves by Democrats in Washington. Still busy patting each other on the back after the November election, the Dems continue to treat Bush as if he is the legitimate Commander and Chief, and not the deranged demagogue he truly is.
The last six years have been a series of “Who could believe” moments. Who could believe national elections could be stolen? Who could believe that an inarticulate mental midget would hold the reigns of the last superpower on earth? Who could believe that any President would openly display such disdain for the people who elected him? Who could believe that the United States would become the Evil Empire to the rest of the world?
After all of this, why is it so hard to believe that we have a deranged and dangerous President sitting in the Oval Office; a President who wasn’t capable of making rationale decisions to begin with, but who is now under intense pressure to do something about the mess he created? The Democrats should not treat Bush’s present mental state lightly.
Sending more troops to Iraq is madness and must not be allowed.
Monday, December 18, 2006
My predictions for 2007
The Bush Twins will show up in an Argentinean porn film
Donald Rumsfeld will host a FOX News talk show called, “Grumpy Old White Men.”
San Francisco will be asked to secede from the Union
Dick Cheney will completely disappear
Iraqis will rebuild Saddam’s statue
The first verifiable alien-human contact will be caught on videotape at the Delmar, Iowa Gas ‘N Go.
The Republican Party will be declared a criminal enterprise under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) and forced to disband.
Oprah will buy Chicago
The National Enquirer will break the news that George Bush was caught in gay tryst under the headline, “Brokeback Rose Garden.”
Barak Obama will take the stage name B-Prez and make a Hip Hop CD
The U.S. will invade Iran with forces made up primarily of Boy Scouts, security guards and motorcycle gangs
Tofu will be deemed an illegal substance in three southern states with stiff fines and prison terms for distributing
Donald Rumsfeld will host a FOX News talk show called, “Grumpy Old White Men.”
San Francisco will be asked to secede from the Union
Dick Cheney will completely disappear
Iraqis will rebuild Saddam’s statue
The first verifiable alien-human contact will be caught on videotape at the Delmar, Iowa Gas ‘N Go.
The Republican Party will be declared a criminal enterprise under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) and forced to disband.
Oprah will buy Chicago
The National Enquirer will break the news that George Bush was caught in gay tryst under the headline, “Brokeback Rose Garden.”
Barak Obama will take the stage name B-Prez and make a Hip Hop CD
The U.S. will invade Iran with forces made up primarily of Boy Scouts, security guards and motorcycle gangs
Tofu will be deemed an illegal substance in three southern states with stiff fines and prison terms for distributing
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Satangate rocks the nation's capital
Recently leaked visitor records from Vice President Cheney’s office reveal a startling number of visits by Satan over the past six years. According to the records, the Vice President saw Satan more than 23 times since 2000.
Asked about the numerous meetings between the VP and the Prince of Darkness, a White House spokesperson said, “Vice President Cheney always meets with a wide variety of dignitaries and thought leaders to gather input prior to decision making. Satan is one voice among many. The relationship between the Vice President and Satan goes back many years, and Mr. Cheney respects the unique perspective Lucifer brings to the issues that face our nation.”
The Devil was not immediately available for comment, but his office provided a brief written response to our queries.
“Satan considers Vice President Cheney a close personal friend and has made himself available for consultation on occasion. Contrary to rumors, Satan has never ‘written policy’ for the Vice President nor have any deals been struck or contracts signed between the administration and the Evil One.”
Democrats are calling for an investigation into what is now being referred to as ‘Satangate.’ House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said she was shocked by the revelations.
“If true, this is outrageous. Satan is a huge contributor to the Republican party and has benefited in many ways from the policies of this administration. To say these meetings were nothing more than a yakfest between old friends truly insults our intelligence. I am calling for a thorough investigation of this issue to begin as soon as possible.”
Satan is not a stranger in Washington, D.C. and is often sighted at parties given by the Capital’s A-listers.
Asked about the numerous meetings between the VP and the Prince of Darkness, a White House spokesperson said, “Vice President Cheney always meets with a wide variety of dignitaries and thought leaders to gather input prior to decision making. Satan is one voice among many. The relationship between the Vice President and Satan goes back many years, and Mr. Cheney respects the unique perspective Lucifer brings to the issues that face our nation.”
The Devil was not immediately available for comment, but his office provided a brief written response to our queries.
“Satan considers Vice President Cheney a close personal friend and has made himself available for consultation on occasion. Contrary to rumors, Satan has never ‘written policy’ for the Vice President nor have any deals been struck or contracts signed between the administration and the Evil One.”
Democrats are calling for an investigation into what is now being referred to as ‘Satangate.’ House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said she was shocked by the revelations.
“If true, this is outrageous. Satan is a huge contributor to the Republican party and has benefited in many ways from the policies of this administration. To say these meetings were nothing more than a yakfest between old friends truly insults our intelligence. I am calling for a thorough investigation of this issue to begin as soon as possible.”
Satan is not a stranger in Washington, D.C. and is often sighted at parties given by the Capital’s A-listers.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Are the Democrats in Congress listening?
The irony never ends in Bushworld. George, who seems intent on turning his Iraq horror show into a world-wide catastrophe, has been on a listening tour. A listening tour?
Helloooo. George? How about listening to the American people? They are telling you in no uncertain terms to pull our troops out of Iraq. They are screaming, “STOP THE MADNESS.”
Unfortunately, Bush only takes his fingers out of his ears for people who agree with him. He didn’t like what he heard from the Iraq Study Group (“I can’t hear yoooou”). He certainly doesn’t like what he hears from poll after poll on what Americans think about the war. So he’s scouring the country to find bobble heads who will confirm his delusions. It should be called the “selective listening tour.”
Odds makers are betting he will send more troops to Iraq, which is—in keeping with a long established pattern—exactly the wrong thing to do. Hey kids, let’s put out the fire by pouring gasoline on it. Let’s win the hearts and minds of Iraqis by killing them.
Congress must stop King George from committing more life-ending blunders. Nancy. Harry. Please, put impeachment back on the table, and soon. The people are talking to you, too. Are you listening?
Helloooo. George? How about listening to the American people? They are telling you in no uncertain terms to pull our troops out of Iraq. They are screaming, “STOP THE MADNESS.”
Unfortunately, Bush only takes his fingers out of his ears for people who agree with him. He didn’t like what he heard from the Iraq Study Group (“I can’t hear yoooou”). He certainly doesn’t like what he hears from poll after poll on what Americans think about the war. So he’s scouring the country to find bobble heads who will confirm his delusions. It should be called the “selective listening tour.”
Odds makers are betting he will send more troops to Iraq, which is—in keeping with a long established pattern—exactly the wrong thing to do. Hey kids, let’s put out the fire by pouring gasoline on it. Let’s win the hearts and minds of Iraqis by killing them.
Congress must stop King George from committing more life-ending blunders. Nancy. Harry. Please, put impeachment back on the table, and soon. The people are talking to you, too. Are you listening?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Not Roses and Tears
A lady in red dances on your grave
Her bare feet are sore and dirty, but you…you are dead
Can you feel her twirling, leaping, rolling on the grass above you?
She seems exuberant that you can no longer move
Flailing arms, kicking legs, she snaps her head at the moon
It is all sinewy muscles stretching and retracting with beautiful tension
So quiet you can hear her joints singing
Is it cold down there?
Her bare feet are sore and dirty, but you…you are dead
Can you feel her twirling, leaping, rolling on the grass above you?
She seems exuberant that you can no longer move
Flailing arms, kicking legs, she snaps her head at the moon
It is all sinewy muscles stretching and retracting with beautiful tension
So quiet you can hear her joints singing
Is it cold down there?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Christmas gift ideas for George Bush
A new watch to help him tell time…as in, it’s time to leave Iraq. It’s time to stop going with your gut. It’s time to listen to people who are smarter than you (this would include most Americans).
A shovel and hip boots
A heart transplant
A six-week stay at the Baghdad Hilton
A subpoena
EFL (English as a First Language) lessons
One-way ticket to Paraguay
A bicycle with training wheels
A subscription to “Out” magazine
A shovel and hip boots
A heart transplant
A six-week stay at the Baghdad Hilton
A subpoena
EFL (English as a First Language) lessons
One-way ticket to Paraguay
A bicycle with training wheels
A subscription to “Out” magazine
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Bush's response to the Iraq Study Group's report
The statement of President George Bush on receiving the Iraq Study Group report at a White House meeting today.
“Let me just say that I had the report read to me last night and believe me or not, I stayed awake through the whole thing. While it doesn’t contain the eternal truths found in “My Pet Goat,” or the bible, it is quite dramatic in its own right. I will definitely put it in my library. Now, a lot of people have said that I would disagree with the conclusions of this report, and they’re right. Leaving Iraq, even talking about leaving Iraq, anytime over the next two years is simply handing the country over to the enemy. After two years, who cares? But that is my point. I am not going to abandon the Iraqi people while I am president. They are evil, godless heathens, but I will not abandon them. That’s not what I’m about. It’s a great report. A wonderful report. But I urge all Americans to ignore it. For now. Thank you.”
“Let me just say that I had the report read to me last night and believe me or not, I stayed awake through the whole thing. While it doesn’t contain the eternal truths found in “My Pet Goat,” or the bible, it is quite dramatic in its own right. I will definitely put it in my library. Now, a lot of people have said that I would disagree with the conclusions of this report, and they’re right. Leaving Iraq, even talking about leaving Iraq, anytime over the next two years is simply handing the country over to the enemy. After two years, who cares? But that is my point. I am not going to abandon the Iraqi people while I am president. They are evil, godless heathens, but I will not abandon them. That’s not what I’m about. It’s a great report. A wonderful report. But I urge all Americans to ignore it. For now. Thank you.”
Monday, December 04, 2006
Bye, bye, Bolton
John Bolton, the man who once quipped that if the U.N. lost ten stories it wouldn’t make any difference, and who was subsequently nominated to be U.N. ambassador (it makes perfect sense in Bushworld), has resigned. What’s Bolton to do now? Here are a few suggestions for the contentious, quick-tempered conservative:
Radio talk show host. “Oh yeah? My moustache could kick your ass.”
Marriage counselor. “He’s ugly and you’re fat. Can we agree on that?”
Good humor man. “Officer, the kid tried to stiff me for a quarter. He’s lucky a baseball bat was all I could get my hands on.”
Cowboy. “Whataya mean, have I ever seen Brokeback Mountain?”
Waiter. “Your soup’s cold? Here, let me piss in it. That’ll warm it up.”
Sunday school teacher. “I don’t care what your mommies and daddies said. You’re all going straight to hell. Any questions?”
Radio talk show host. “Oh yeah? My moustache could kick your ass.”
Marriage counselor. “He’s ugly and you’re fat. Can we agree on that?”
Good humor man. “Officer, the kid tried to stiff me for a quarter. He’s lucky a baseball bat was all I could get my hands on.”
Cowboy. “Whataya mean, have I ever seen Brokeback Mountain?”
Waiter. “Your soup’s cold? Here, let me piss in it. That’ll warm it up.”
Sunday school teacher. “I don’t care what your mommies and daddies said. You’re all going straight to hell. Any questions?”
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The George W. Bush Center For Children Who Can't Think or Speak Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.
Bush is trying to raise $500 million to build his library and a think tank at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.
A library and a think tank.
What could I write that is funnier than that?
However, I do offer a name suggestion: The George W. Bush Center For Children Who Can't Think or Speak Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.
What’s even more galling is that there is no attempt to hide the purpose of this enterprise, which is to refurbish Bush’s reputation for future generations (a Herculean effort to be sure). They’re going to hire ideologically sympathetic scholars, all three of them, who will write glowing books and papers about the Bush presidency.
In other words, they’re going to rewrite history.
Black is white. Good is bad. Welcome to the Bush Library.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Yes, in MY backyard. Yuck.
From Metro.co.uk:
A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.
20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.
He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' – but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal, the Duluth News Tribune reports.
Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week that claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'
He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.
He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the broader interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.
In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.
Judge Michael Lucci noted when hearing the arguments that: 'I'm a little surprised this issue hasn't been tackled before in another case.'
If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.
A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.
20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.
He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' – but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal, the Duluth News Tribune reports.
Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week that claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'
He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.
He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the broader interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.
In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.
Judge Michael Lucci noted when hearing the arguments that: 'I'm a little surprised this issue hasn't been tackled before in another case.'
If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
A son only a father could love
That’s Going Too Far! obtained this transcript of a phone conversation recorded from an unsecured line between George Bush junior and his father on Wednesday, November 8.
Georgie? You There?
Dad. Uh, Dad?
Yeah?
I…I screwed up the country. Bad. Could use a little help here.
This isn’t the best time, Georgie. Your mother and I are in Palm Springs golfing. Isn’t Uncle Jim there yet?
Yeah, he’s here, but he’s always in meetings. I can’t get him to stop and talk to me.
George, that’s very reassuring.
Huh?
He’s there to help you. We’ll get this Iraq thing figured out—
Dad, there’s nothing to figure out about Iraq. I’ve told the American people we will stay until we achieve victory.
Right. Hold on… (in the background) Babs, you don’t want to use a four iron here. Jesus, somebody get her the right club. Okay? (back on the phone) Son, you’ve got to let go. Iraq’s going down the shitter faster than grease through a goose. You’re going to have to make some compromises.
(loudly) Compromises? You want me to compromise with the terrorists?
Don’t you raise your voice to me, young man. This is your dad, not some fawning blowhard from FOX.
But the terrorists are out there. Waiting for me.
Waiting for you to what?
Just waiting for me.
Son. Are you drinking?
Well….
Listen. I have to tee off now. You just do whatever Jimmy tells you to do. Okay?
But Dad, I’m the President.
Listen to your Daddy. (talking to someone nearby) Yeah, It’s Georgie. No. He’s fine. Everything’s fine. He’ll call you later. (back on the phone) Call your mother tonight. You hear?
Yes, Daddy.
How’s Laura?
Who?
Your wife.
She’s okay, I guess.
I have to go now. Just don’t get into Uncle Jim’s way. He’s got a lot to do.
Okay, Daddy. Bye.
Goodbye, Mr. President.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Conservative ideology is a house of cards
Post-election analysis is running hot and heavy. I have my own theory about what happened this past Tuesday, and it’s one you won’t hear from the mainstream media.
Conservatism, as embodied by Bush, Cheney, Rove and, unfortunately, millions of Americans, is simply unworkable in a democracy. The backward-looking philosophy of today’s religious conservatives has as its foundation a house of cards: superstition, self-interest, cynicism, conventional wisdom, bigotry and a penchant for violence. No ideology so built on lies and ignorance can withstand the power of the people indefinitely. There is only one option for the Bushes and Cheneys and O’Reillys to make their worldview seem to work, and that is to do away with democracy.
The frightening thing is that key people in the Bush administration know that democracy is the enemy of their beliefs. That’s the reason they spent five-and-a-half years working night and day to give the President more and more singular authority. You see the only way you can implement the political philosophy of the religious right is through a dictatorship.
Untenable ideologies require a strong man, a father figure with absolute authority, to tell you what is right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. There is no room for criticism in a dictatorship, nor is there room for non-conforming scientific results, schools that teach children to think on their own or opposing political parties. A dictator is never wrong.
It is clear the administration was taking advantage of a Republican House, Senate and judiciary to push for dictatorial powers. Their beliefs could not live in a world of competing ideas, thus only a society without competing ideas would do.
It still seems unbelievable that we came so close to losing our country in such a relatively short time, historically speaking. We have been saved for now by the success of the Democrats in the mid-term elections, which will finally put the brakes on this out-of-control administration. However, we need to begin now to patch the cracks in our political system that let this nightmare happen in the first place, from election fraud to overhauling campaign financing, there is much work to be done.
Thankfully, we can get started in January.
Conservatism, as embodied by Bush, Cheney, Rove and, unfortunately, millions of Americans, is simply unworkable in a democracy. The backward-looking philosophy of today’s religious conservatives has as its foundation a house of cards: superstition, self-interest, cynicism, conventional wisdom, bigotry and a penchant for violence. No ideology so built on lies and ignorance can withstand the power of the people indefinitely. There is only one option for the Bushes and Cheneys and O’Reillys to make their worldview seem to work, and that is to do away with democracy.
The frightening thing is that key people in the Bush administration know that democracy is the enemy of their beliefs. That’s the reason they spent five-and-a-half years working night and day to give the President more and more singular authority. You see the only way you can implement the political philosophy of the religious right is through a dictatorship.
Untenable ideologies require a strong man, a father figure with absolute authority, to tell you what is right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. There is no room for criticism in a dictatorship, nor is there room for non-conforming scientific results, schools that teach children to think on their own or opposing political parties. A dictator is never wrong.
It is clear the administration was taking advantage of a Republican House, Senate and judiciary to push for dictatorial powers. Their beliefs could not live in a world of competing ideas, thus only a society without competing ideas would do.
It still seems unbelievable that we came so close to losing our country in such a relatively short time, historically speaking. We have been saved for now by the success of the Democrats in the mid-term elections, which will finally put the brakes on this out-of-control administration. However, we need to begin now to patch the cracks in our political system that let this nightmare happen in the first place, from election fraud to overhauling campaign financing, there is much work to be done.
Thankfully, we can get started in January.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Election reflection
On the national level, today’s results couldn’t make me happier. Election day saw the American people wrestle Congress back from the self-serving, corrupt cabal of Bush yes-men. They sent an unequivocal message to the Bushoviks that this administration’s policies and positions are not just unpopular, but wrong, and they won’t stand for it anymore. Bush refused to listen to the people until yesterday. Now he must. And it was a great day for new Democratic governors and state legislators, too.
Here in Minnesota, however, it was a good news/bad news scenario. On the bright side, Democrat Amy Klobuchar gave Bush lap dog Mark Kennedy a well-deserved roundhouse kick to the head and is on her way to Washington. We are sending the first Muslim to Congress. And a tough, smart Lori Swanson is the new attorney general.
On the down side, the RNC pumped in just enough millions of dollars to help the mentally unbalanced Michele Bachmann go to Congress. The woman who speaks to God and eagerly submits to her husband’s will should get along smashingly with GW. They can hold three-way conversations with the Almighty in the Oval Office.
For me, the biggest disappointment of the evening by far was Pawlenty’s win over Mike Hatch for governor. It was so close well into the early morning hours that we all held out a sliver of hope that we’d wake up in the morning to the tune of a Hatch acceptance speech. Unfortunately, that was not to be. I did have a personal interest in the outcome of this race, and it was very tough to watch the best man lose. Mike is pure Minnesota through and through and would have made an outstanding governor. Democrats were looking forward to a governor who would work hard for the teachers and cab drivers and short order cooks and the poor; in other words, all Minnesotans. Instead we got Pawlenty, the conservative ideologue behind the boyish grin who is much more comfortable around corporate CEOs and special interest groups than the people who maintain the grounds at the governor’s mansion. This was a very tough loss.
We move on. America has suffered through a long night of corruption, cynicism, ignorance and fear, but with yesterday’s results, there is reason to hope that the sun will rise again and we can then rediscover the progressive democratic principles upon which this country was founded.
Here in Minnesota, however, it was a good news/bad news scenario. On the bright side, Democrat Amy Klobuchar gave Bush lap dog Mark Kennedy a well-deserved roundhouse kick to the head and is on her way to Washington. We are sending the first Muslim to Congress. And a tough, smart Lori Swanson is the new attorney general.
On the down side, the RNC pumped in just enough millions of dollars to help the mentally unbalanced Michele Bachmann go to Congress. The woman who speaks to God and eagerly submits to her husband’s will should get along smashingly with GW. They can hold three-way conversations with the Almighty in the Oval Office.
For me, the biggest disappointment of the evening by far was Pawlenty’s win over Mike Hatch for governor. It was so close well into the early morning hours that we all held out a sliver of hope that we’d wake up in the morning to the tune of a Hatch acceptance speech. Unfortunately, that was not to be. I did have a personal interest in the outcome of this race, and it was very tough to watch the best man lose. Mike is pure Minnesota through and through and would have made an outstanding governor. Democrats were looking forward to a governor who would work hard for the teachers and cab drivers and short order cooks and the poor; in other words, all Minnesotans. Instead we got Pawlenty, the conservative ideologue behind the boyish grin who is much more comfortable around corporate CEOs and special interest groups than the people who maintain the grounds at the governor’s mansion. This was a very tough loss.
We move on. America has suffered through a long night of corruption, cynicism, ignorance and fear, but with yesterday’s results, there is reason to hope that the sun will rise again and we can then rediscover the progressive democratic principles upon which this country was founded.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Election Day: When pundits attack
Desperate Republicans are pulling out all the stops on this election day.
Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham today told listeners they should jam a voter protection hotline with calls. And this was one of the milder suggestions from personalities on the political right.
FOX pundit Bill O’Reilly said people who vote Democratic should be given armbands and patches brandishing a large capital “D” that they must wear at all times in public.
Michael Savage claims he is taking a county sheriff with him to a nearby voting location to have every Democratic voter arrested for treason.
Never one to be upstaged when it comes to advocating violence, Ann Coulter is bringing her three pit bulls with her when she votes. She claims the dogs can, “smell liberal meat,” and will attack at the slightest whiff.
And then here is former comedian Dennis Miller, who, having thrown away his career and his pride, says he will, “Go down today as a martyr for America.” Miller would not furnish any details.
Finally, Sean Hannity of Hannity & Colmes, issued a press release this morning stating that Michael Moore is now a prisoner in his own house and there are only two ways he can escape the detonation of a small nuclear device and certain death. He must either saw off both of his legs using only the brim of his baseball cap or register and vote as a Republican.
Good luck, Michael.
Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham today told listeners they should jam a voter protection hotline with calls. And this was one of the milder suggestions from personalities on the political right.
FOX pundit Bill O’Reilly said people who vote Democratic should be given armbands and patches brandishing a large capital “D” that they must wear at all times in public.
Michael Savage claims he is taking a county sheriff with him to a nearby voting location to have every Democratic voter arrested for treason.
Never one to be upstaged when it comes to advocating violence, Ann Coulter is bringing her three pit bulls with her when she votes. She claims the dogs can, “smell liberal meat,” and will attack at the slightest whiff.
And then here is former comedian Dennis Miller, who, having thrown away his career and his pride, says he will, “Go down today as a martyr for America.” Miller would not furnish any details.
Finally, Sean Hannity of Hannity & Colmes, issued a press release this morning stating that Michael Moore is now a prisoner in his own house and there are only two ways he can escape the detonation of a small nuclear device and certain death. He must either saw off both of his legs using only the brim of his baseball cap or register and vote as a Republican.
Good luck, Michael.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
