In a bold and surprising move, presidential candidate John McCain announced today that actress Jessica Simpson has agreed to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. McCain was unusually candid with reporters about his stunning decision.
“Look, Jessica is far smarter than her celebrity persona would lead you to believe. I’ve spent many evenings with her recently discussing foreign policy and economics. She’s a huge fan of Friedman’s work. She also has a very strong grasp of my policy positions. And let’s face it, she’s hot. Hot, hot, hot. Very…hot. Steamin’.”
McCain was asked about the tactical implications of choosing Simpson as his running mate.
“Jessica is my very own ‘Southern Strategy.’ We’ve got the good-old-boy, trailer trash vote sewn up with her on the ticket. Younger males and men in the military will vote for us in droves. See, it will be a two-pronged attack, and you know what two prongs I’m talking about. Right?”
Will he have Simpson tone down her sexy image for the campaign?
“Not on your life. We’re going to play up her….assets as much as humanly possible. We’re working on a couple of television spots right now that are going to peel the paint off your walls.”
Reporters wanted to know what his wife Cindy thought about Simpson joining the campaign.
“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet, but she’ll be fine. She’ll always be my First Lady.”
McCain announced that he and Simpson would immediately take off for a week of intensive campaign preparation in the South of France.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
McCain Pledges More War
Columbus, Ohio — Republican John McCain, the self-proclaimed “pro-war” candidate, issued a press release today entitled: “My 10-point Plan for Keeping America in Continuous Conflict.” Insisting that he’s never met a war he didn’t like, McCain promised he would keep America actively engaged in battle throughout his administration’s tenure.
“Let there be no mistake,” said McCain, “Americans love war. It’s in our blood. And I am the only candidate who will guarantee at least four more years of death and destruction. We have the greatest military machine the world has ever known, and by George, I pledge to you that I will use it.”
McCain’s 10-point plan:
1. Increase levels of spending for defense from billions to bazillions.
2. Create a Department of Taunting and Provoking in the Pentagon
3. Treat any country with predominantly dark-skin people as a potential terrorist threat
4. Go Medieval on Russia’s ass if it so much as looks at us cross-eyed.
5. Nominate Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense.
6. Issue weapons to every American citizen over the age of 10.
7. Build military basis wherever the hell we want to.
8. Level Sweden, Norway and any other left-leaning, socialist, tofu-eating countries.
9. Build walls on both our southern and northern borders — one to keep out illegal immigrants, the other to keep out liberals.
10. Invade first, ask questions later.
“Let there be no mistake,” said McCain, “Americans love war. It’s in our blood. And I am the only candidate who will guarantee at least four more years of death and destruction. We have the greatest military machine the world has ever known, and by George, I pledge to you that I will use it.”
McCain’s 10-point plan:
1. Increase levels of spending for defense from billions to bazillions.
2. Create a Department of Taunting and Provoking in the Pentagon
3. Treat any country with predominantly dark-skin people as a potential terrorist threat
4. Go Medieval on Russia’s ass if it so much as looks at us cross-eyed.
5. Nominate Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense.
6. Issue weapons to every American citizen over the age of 10.
7. Build military basis wherever the hell we want to.
8. Level Sweden, Norway and any other left-leaning, socialist, tofu-eating countries.
9. Build walls on both our southern and northern borders — one to keep out illegal immigrants, the other to keep out liberals.
10. Invade first, ask questions later.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Cheney reveals post-VP plans: Evil, Inc.
Washington, D.C. – At a news conference today, Vice President Cheney discussed his career plans once he leaves office.
“Many people have been asking me what I plan to do after my tenure as vice president is over. I am once again returning to the private sector where I will run a little start-up venture called Evil, Inc. My carefully picked staff and I will serve as consultants to the world’s dictators, despots, thugs, strong men, and others who rule with an iron fist. In other words, my heroes. We will counsel them on the many ways to keep power through terror and intimidation, and help them build a secret police force, torture facilities, and a highly intrusive surveillance system. It’s a wide open market.”
A reporter asked if this wasn’t at odds with American foreign policy, and Cheney laughed.
“I will be an entrepreneur, not a politician. Morality or even laws of common decency will be a non-issue. Our wonderful capitalist system is values-neutral, which means I can do what I damn well please, along as I make money.”
Another reporter wanted to know if that meant he favored legalizing prostitution, heroin and gladiator fights, to which the VP answered, “No. Although if they were legal, I’d have a big-ass piece of that action.”
Cheney said he had the full backing of the president in this endeavor, particularly if a Democrat wins this November. “George is all lathered up about Armageddon and his daughter’s wedding, so he basically doesn’t give a shit what I do.”
As he ended the press conference, he added this piece of practical advice. “Remember, always go with your strengths.”
“Many people have been asking me what I plan to do after my tenure as vice president is over. I am once again returning to the private sector where I will run a little start-up venture called Evil, Inc. My carefully picked staff and I will serve as consultants to the world’s dictators, despots, thugs, strong men, and others who rule with an iron fist. In other words, my heroes. We will counsel them on the many ways to keep power through terror and intimidation, and help them build a secret police force, torture facilities, and a highly intrusive surveillance system. It’s a wide open market.”
A reporter asked if this wasn’t at odds with American foreign policy, and Cheney laughed.
“I will be an entrepreneur, not a politician. Morality or even laws of common decency will be a non-issue. Our wonderful capitalist system is values-neutral, which means I can do what I damn well please, along as I make money.”
Another reporter wanted to know if that meant he favored legalizing prostitution, heroin and gladiator fights, to which the VP answered, “No. Although if they were legal, I’d have a big-ass piece of that action.”
Cheney said he had the full backing of the president in this endeavor, particularly if a Democrat wins this November. “George is all lathered up about Armageddon and his daughter’s wedding, so he basically doesn’t give a shit what I do.”
As he ended the press conference, he added this piece of practical advice. “Remember, always go with your strengths.”
Friday, February 15, 2008
Bush shocks world: “I was not born on your planet.”
In a taped conversation with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, President Bush revealed that he was born on another planet. The admission stunned everyone in the studio, including Kroft. What follows is a transcript of the ensuing conversation.
Kroft: Another planet? What do you mean, Mr. President?
Bush: Another planet. If I said the name of it your ears would bleed. It’s several galaxies away.
Kroft: You’re an alien?
Bush: Yes, but I’m legal. Got all the right paperwork. I was brought here to Earth as a baby and placed in the care of George and Barbara. Nice people. You see, all of this — my life, my career, my rise to the presidency — all of it was preordained. I was brought here to become president of the United States.
Kroft: Why?
Bush: To prepare you for this day. My assignment was to weaken Earth’s strongest nation and bring it to its knees to pave the way for an invasion from my planet. Mission accomplished.
Kroft: Invasion?
Bush: They’re on their way as I speak. Trust me. Enslavement isn’t the worst thing that could happen in your life.
Kroft: This is outrageous.
Bush: Not really. You brought it on yourself by electing a dumbass like me. What were you thinking?
Kroft: We will fight you.
Bush: We’ll you’ll give it the old college try, but the U.S. military is in a shambles, demoralized, leaderless. I made sure of that. My lord you people are gullible. How could you actually think one of your fellow humans would act so aggressively to destroy your own country? Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to go meet the ships and reunite with my real colony. Steve?
Kroft: Yeah?
Bush: Resistance is futile, but it makes for great TV. Carry on.
Friday, February 08, 2008
The Martial Law theory
During the past seven years, there have been any number of conspiracy theories surrounding the actions of the Bush Administration, from being involved in 9/11 to deliberately lying us into war to rigging elections. Some theories have actually proven to be true (there’s no question Bush was wearing an electronic device during his debates with Kerry), some have extremely strong circumstantial evidence (spinning pre-war intel, election tampering) and some that are supported by very weak or questionable evidence.
One conspiracy theory that refuses to die is that BuschCo is planning to use some devastating tragedy in the United States to declare martial law before the 2008 elections. Over the years, bits and pieces of circumstantial evidence have been uncovered to suggest that this may in fact be a plan, but not nearly enough sway large numbers of people or the media. Progressive BlogGod Kos has dismissed the idea as nonsense.
My opinion on the martial law theory has always been, “hard to imagine, but I wouldn’t put anything past them.” The depths of deception to which people like Cheney, Rove and Bush will plunge knows no bottom. These have proven to be dangerous people in very influential positions.
An article in the latest issue of The Progressive raises the specter of the martial law theory once again. In “Exclusive! The FBI Deputizes Business” written by Matthew Rothschild, the author delves into a little-known partnership between private industry and the F.B.I and the Department of Homeland Security. The partnership is known as Infraguard, and its purpose is to keep essential private enterprises running during a terrorist attack or national crises…including martial law.
So the heads of companies critical to keeping the country’s infrastructure operating during a crises (transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, public health, etc.) receive early warning updates from the F.B.I on potential threats prior to the general public. At the same time, these companies are asked to report to the F.B.I any suspicious activity they might encounter.
It’s a fascinating and frightening article that everyone should read, but what it has to say about the martial law theory is extremely important. Here is a key passage:
This business owner says he attended a small InfraGard meeting where agents of the FBI and Homeland Security discussed in astonishing detail what InfraGard members may be called upon to do.
“The meeting started off innocuously enough, with the speakers talking about corporate espionage,” he says. “From there, it just progressed. All of a sudden we were knee deep in what was expected of us when martial law is declared. We were expected to share all our resources, but in return we’d be given specific benefits.” These included, he says, the ability to travel in restricted areas and to get people out.
But that’s not all.
“Then they said when—not if—martial law is declared, it was our responsibility to protect our portion of the infrastructure, and if we had to use deadly force to protect it, we couldn’t be prosecuted,” he says.
The author has confirmed from others that this was in fact what was talked about at the meeting. More circumstantial evidence, I know, but when it comes to the Bush Administration, we cant’ put anything past them.
One conspiracy theory that refuses to die is that BuschCo is planning to use some devastating tragedy in the United States to declare martial law before the 2008 elections. Over the years, bits and pieces of circumstantial evidence have been uncovered to suggest that this may in fact be a plan, but not nearly enough sway large numbers of people or the media. Progressive BlogGod Kos has dismissed the idea as nonsense.
My opinion on the martial law theory has always been, “hard to imagine, but I wouldn’t put anything past them.” The depths of deception to which people like Cheney, Rove and Bush will plunge knows no bottom. These have proven to be dangerous people in very influential positions.
An article in the latest issue of The Progressive raises the specter of the martial law theory once again. In “Exclusive! The FBI Deputizes Business” written by Matthew Rothschild, the author delves into a little-known partnership between private industry and the F.B.I and the Department of Homeland Security. The partnership is known as Infraguard, and its purpose is to keep essential private enterprises running during a terrorist attack or national crises…including martial law.
So the heads of companies critical to keeping the country’s infrastructure operating during a crises (transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, public health, etc.) receive early warning updates from the F.B.I on potential threats prior to the general public. At the same time, these companies are asked to report to the F.B.I any suspicious activity they might encounter.
It’s a fascinating and frightening article that everyone should read, but what it has to say about the martial law theory is extremely important. Here is a key passage:
This business owner says he attended a small InfraGard meeting where agents of the FBI and Homeland Security discussed in astonishing detail what InfraGard members may be called upon to do.
“The meeting started off innocuously enough, with the speakers talking about corporate espionage,” he says. “From there, it just progressed. All of a sudden we were knee deep in what was expected of us when martial law is declared. We were expected to share all our resources, but in return we’d be given specific benefits.” These included, he says, the ability to travel in restricted areas and to get people out.
But that’s not all.
“Then they said when—not if—martial law is declared, it was our responsibility to protect our portion of the infrastructure, and if we had to use deadly force to protect it, we couldn’t be prosecuted,” he says.
The author has confirmed from others that this was in fact what was talked about at the meeting. More circumstantial evidence, I know, but when it comes to the Bush Administration, we cant’ put anything past them.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Interview with Giuliani: “Don’t call me for the next 9/11”
For the first time since abandoning his presidential bid, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani sat for an interview to discuss his run for the country’s top office and his future plans with freelance journalist Joshua Binkley.
Binkley
I’m sure you’re disappointed about having to drop out of the presidential race. What was the deciding moment for you?
Giuliani
9/11. It changed everything. I thought to myself, ‘Rudy, you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a traumatized war veteran, a Mormon, and a Jesus freak. You got two choices: have ‘em whacked or drop out of the race.’ Being somewhat cash strapped, hiring a good button man was out of the question, so, here I am.
Binkley
Do you have any regrets? Would you change anything about how you ran your campaign?
Giuliani
Since 9/11, I live one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment of my life, because it could happen again anytime, anywhere. And let me just say this for the record. If a Democrat is elected president, no one will be safe. The terrorists will strike our weakened country and kill many people. But, America, listen to me. When it happens, don’t call Rudy Giuliani to come stand on your rubble and look strong. Ain’t gonna happen. You reject me, I reject you.
Binkley
So you’re saying you wouldn’t help if another catastrophe like 9/11 happened again?
Giuliani
That is correct. 9/11 changed everything. I’ve given all I can to my country. Let Billary or Obama bin Laden do the heavy lifting now. I saved this freakin’ country and this is the thanks I get.
Binkley
So what are your future plans?
Giuliani
I haven’t made that many long-term plans since 9/11. Life’s short. Enjoy it. But I have had many offers. Right now I’m looking at leadership positions in a waste management firm and an olive oil business. I’m also making it known here and now that if I was offered an ambassadorship to Sicily, I would not turn it down.
Binkley
But Sicily is a part of Italy. It’s not a country.
Giuliani
You being a wise guy?
Binkley
No.
Giuliani
Shut up. 9/11.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
New APA warning label: May Contain Clowns
Based on results from researchers in England, the American Psychological Association (APA) is advocating a new warning label for clowns.
The announcement came today from the APA after the publication of research results from the University of Sheffield. Researchers were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards, so they took a poll of young patients.
The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.
"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children,” said a researcher. “Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."
The APA suggests that the new warning label (Caution: May contain clowns) be required on circus advertisements, prior to certain children’s television shows, on any invitation to a birthday party that will feature a clown, and at the entrance to all McDonald’s restaurants.
Chairman of the APA board Kurt Phlegmn said, “We are concerned with the emotional health of our children. We now know that clowns are frightening, and if contact with one could result in trauma to a toddler, we feel it’s time to step up.”
Phlegmn said the organization is also looking into warning labels for department store Santa Claus’s, giant Easter Bunnies, and parades.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
If I programmed the Talking Jesus Action Figure
“I’m sorry you’re going to hell.”
“Yes, I do use product in my hair.”
“Pats win the whole enchilada. You can take that to the bank.”
“The ‘H’ stands for Hymie.”
“Well, I just don’t see your name on the reservation list. Can you spell that again?”
“I wanted to try a nice Italian suit, but my agent said the robe was part of my brand.”
“Sucks to be you.”
“It was messiah or carpenter. What would you choose?”
“I confess. I’m addicted to ‘Lost.’”
“I’ll come back when I’m damn good and ready to come back. Capiche?”
“My parents were too embarrassed to talk about sex. Hence, Immaculate Conception.”
"I taught Angel everything he knows."
"Like to pull my string? Here, pull my finger."
"I invented string cheese."
"Whoa. Three days without a shower...in a cave! I tell you, I smelt like yesterday's Gefilte Fish."
Thursday, January 17, 2008
President Huckabee? Just shoot me now.
Why is a nutcase like Mike Huckabee the leading Republican candidate for president? It seems we actually do have a two party system in the United States: one party for sane people and another for Republicans. How can there be that many crazy people in this country? Huckabee should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a group home talking to his invisible friend Jesus, not running for president.
We’re still trying to get rid of one insane president, and Republicans want to elect another one. The depth of their disdain for America seems to know no bounds. We have somehow lost our ability to discern between what is sensible and reasonable and what is senseless and irrational. Huckabee wants to rewrite the Constitution and turn America into a full-fledged theocracy, and a large number of Republicans think that’s just dandy.
This is 2008 ladies and gentlemen. We’ve put people on the moon. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve got flat-screen TVs for Chrissake. Yet there are living, breathing Americans out there, products of our public school system, who believe a man waved his hands and parted a sea. The difference between Islamo-Fascists and Christo-fascists is nothing more than semantics. Both groups want us to return to the Dark Ages.
Huckabee is a freaking lunatic who is enabled by other lunatics. Our fate as a country will be sealed if this knucklehead should somehow make it to the White House.
We’re still trying to get rid of one insane president, and Republicans want to elect another one. The depth of their disdain for America seems to know no bounds. We have somehow lost our ability to discern between what is sensible and reasonable and what is senseless and irrational. Huckabee wants to rewrite the Constitution and turn America into a full-fledged theocracy, and a large number of Republicans think that’s just dandy.
This is 2008 ladies and gentlemen. We’ve put people on the moon. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve got flat-screen TVs for Chrissake. Yet there are living, breathing Americans out there, products of our public school system, who believe a man waved his hands and parted a sea. The difference between Islamo-Fascists and Christo-fascists is nothing more than semantics. Both groups want us to return to the Dark Ages.
Huckabee is a freaking lunatic who is enabled by other lunatics. Our fate as a country will be sealed if this knucklehead should somehow make it to the White House.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Huckabee vows to take red pen to U.S. Constitution
Mike Huckabee rocked the presidential campaign recently when he said he would revise the United States Constitution to reflect “God’s standards” instead of man’s standards. The Republican front-runner said it would be a lot easier to change words in the Constitution than change God’s words.
Comments on Huckabee’s plan from pundits and political observers around the country ranged from, “He’s f***ing nuts” to “He said what?” to “And I thought Bush was crazy.” Ironically, one of the few kind words spoken in Huckabee’s defense came from President George Bush.
“I think Mike could be on to something there,” said the president. “There aren’t enough God words in the Constitution which leaves it too open to interrogation. In addition, I believe we should change our national symbol from the eagle to a crown of thorns with blood on the tips. I wear one sometimes at night. Hurts like hell.”
In an exclusive, this reporter has obtained a rough draft of Huckabee’s proposed changes to the Preamble to the Constitution.
We the [obedient servants of Jesus Christ] People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect [religion] Union, establish [conformity] Justice, insure [church attendance] domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote [Christianity] the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of [Jesus Christ] Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this [Christian] Constitution for the United States of America.
Huckabee has also said that if elected president, he would consider revising the Bill of Rights, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven.”
Comments on Huckabee’s plan from pundits and political observers around the country ranged from, “He’s f***ing nuts” to “He said what?” to “And I thought Bush was crazy.” Ironically, one of the few kind words spoken in Huckabee’s defense came from President George Bush.
“I think Mike could be on to something there,” said the president. “There aren’t enough God words in the Constitution which leaves it too open to interrogation. In addition, I believe we should change our national symbol from the eagle to a crown of thorns with blood on the tips. I wear one sometimes at night. Hurts like hell.”
In an exclusive, this reporter has obtained a rough draft of Huckabee’s proposed changes to the Preamble to the Constitution.
We the [obedient servants of Jesus Christ] People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect [religion] Union, establish [conformity] Justice, insure [church attendance] domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote [Christianity] the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of [Jesus Christ] Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this [Christian] Constitution for the United States of America.
Huckabee has also said that if elected president, he would consider revising the Bill of Rights, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven.”
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Out of the Ordinary
I took a moment the other day to stand on my deck watch two gray squirrels chase each other around a giant oak in my backyard. They ran in fits and starts, stopping for a split second now and then to flick their tails before taking up the chase again. Their ability to follow each other closely at hyper speed on a vertical surface amazes me in the same way flocks of birds do when hundreds swoop and turn in uniform precision.
From trunk to branch and back again, the squirrels scurried around the tree in a frantic race to nowhere. Because they are able to run and react at such high speed, at least from a human perspective, it sometimes looked as though they were a single animal connected by an invisible thread.
And they seemed so fearless. They would chase each other out to the end of a branch that had the circumference of a toothpick, then effortlessly grab or jump to another reed-thin branch twenty feet off the ground and scamper back to the trunk. It made you wonder if the laws of physics applied to these gravity-defying squirrels. Maybe all squirrels are flying squirrels.
After a few more laps around the trunk, squirrel one ran out on a branch to the very tip. There it hesitated for a heartbeat, then jumped to a telephone line, grabbing it with two front paws in a gymnastic maneuver that would draw applause at the Olympics. It then swung from the line to a lower branch, jumped, twirled once in the air, and stuck his landing in the snow. It all happened in about a second, but I believe I witnessed an event that was daring even by squirrel standards.
I say this based on the reaction of the second squirrel. As it had done many times before, number two followed its playmate out to the end of the limb. Instead of instinctually following the leader, however, squirrel two stopped and started and stopped again, clearly uncertain if his friend’s leap of faith was worth the risk. I could sense the angst as the squirrel made repeated journeys to the end of the limb. He was either trying to muster the courage to jump or excoriating his partner for such a jackass stunt. In the end, squirrel two returned to the trunk to greet his daredevil buddy. The chase picked up right where it left off, and the two squirrels became indistinguishable again.
I had observed something remarkable in a very unremarkable event. It reaffirmed for me the difference between “seeing” and “observing.” Even though we see things every day, we miss a lot of extraordinary things because — using film terminology — we merely pan instead of focus. When you take a moment to focus, you find there is really no such thing as the mundane or ordinary.
From trunk to branch and back again, the squirrels scurried around the tree in a frantic race to nowhere. Because they are able to run and react at such high speed, at least from a human perspective, it sometimes looked as though they were a single animal connected by an invisible thread.
And they seemed so fearless. They would chase each other out to the end of a branch that had the circumference of a toothpick, then effortlessly grab or jump to another reed-thin branch twenty feet off the ground and scamper back to the trunk. It made you wonder if the laws of physics applied to these gravity-defying squirrels. Maybe all squirrels are flying squirrels.
After a few more laps around the trunk, squirrel one ran out on a branch to the very tip. There it hesitated for a heartbeat, then jumped to a telephone line, grabbing it with two front paws in a gymnastic maneuver that would draw applause at the Olympics. It then swung from the line to a lower branch, jumped, twirled once in the air, and stuck his landing in the snow. It all happened in about a second, but I believe I witnessed an event that was daring even by squirrel standards.
I say this based on the reaction of the second squirrel. As it had done many times before, number two followed its playmate out to the end of the limb. Instead of instinctually following the leader, however, squirrel two stopped and started and stopped again, clearly uncertain if his friend’s leap of faith was worth the risk. I could sense the angst as the squirrel made repeated journeys to the end of the limb. He was either trying to muster the courage to jump or excoriating his partner for such a jackass stunt. In the end, squirrel two returned to the trunk to greet his daredevil buddy. The chase picked up right where it left off, and the two squirrels became indistinguishable again.
I had observed something remarkable in a very unremarkable event. It reaffirmed for me the difference between “seeing” and “observing.” Even though we see things every day, we miss a lot of extraordinary things because — using film terminology — we merely pan instead of focus. When you take a moment to focus, you find there is really no such thing as the mundane or ordinary.
Monday, January 07, 2008
The ABCs of the Bush years (updated)
A is for:
Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate, AWOL
B is for:
Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, Bhutto, blind ambition, bunker mentality
C is for:
Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, CIA, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawks, Craig, chemical weapons, contempt, Coulter, cocaine, China
D is for:
Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny
E is for:
Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, echo chamber, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic, elections, Edwards, evolution, electronic voting, endless war
F is for:
Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth, Florida, Franken
G is for:
Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas-guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander, Gore
H is for:
Hate, hubris, Halliburton, hostile, Hillary, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting, Huckabee, Hummer
I is for:
Iraq, inept, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, impeachment, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Islamo-fascists, Israel, incomprehensible, investigations, illegal aliens
J is for:
Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus
K is for:
Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds
L is for:
Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist, legacy, Lieberman
M is for:
Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, McCain, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat, Michael Moore
N is for:
Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, national debt, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind
O is for:
Oblivious, oil, Obama, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio, Olbermann
P is for:
Plame, patriarchy, planes, Paraguay, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, Powell, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, Putin, paraplegic, Pakistan
Q is for:
Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail
R is for:
Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, Romney, R.I.P., revenge
S is for:
Soulless, simpleton, signing statements, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, Saudi Arabia, stolen elections, shambles, Skull and Crossbones, surge, suicide bomber
T is for:
Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorism, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas
U is for:
Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine, unitary executive
V is for:
Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests
W is for:
War, waste, wounded soldiers, wiretap, Wide stance, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz
X is for:
Xenophobia
Y is for:
Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen
Z is for:
Zealot, zero, zilch
Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate, AWOL
B is for:
Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, Bhutto, blind ambition, bunker mentality
C is for:
Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, CIA, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawks, Craig, chemical weapons, contempt, Coulter, cocaine, China
D is for:
Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny
E is for:
Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, echo chamber, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic, elections, Edwards, evolution, electronic voting, endless war
F is for:
Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth, Florida, Franken
G is for:
Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas-guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander, Gore
H is for:
Hate, hubris, Halliburton, hostile, Hillary, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting, Huckabee, Hummer
I is for:
Iraq, inept, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, impeachment, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Islamo-fascists, Israel, incomprehensible, investigations, illegal aliens
J is for:
Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus
K is for:
Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds
L is for:
Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist, legacy, Lieberman
M is for:
Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, McCain, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat, Michael Moore
N is for:
Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, national debt, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind
O is for:
Oblivious, oil, Obama, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio, Olbermann
P is for:
Plame, patriarchy, planes, Paraguay, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, Powell, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, Putin, paraplegic, Pakistan
Q is for:
Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail
R is for:
Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, Romney, R.I.P., revenge
S is for:
Soulless, simpleton, signing statements, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, Saudi Arabia, stolen elections, shambles, Skull and Crossbones, surge, suicide bomber
T is for:
Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorism, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas
U is for:
Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine, unitary executive
V is for:
Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests
W is for:
War, waste, wounded soldiers, wiretap, Wide stance, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz
X is for:
Xenophobia
Y is for:
Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen
Z is for:
Zealot, zero, zilch
Thursday, December 20, 2007
“Santa” Cheney says naughty children could be waterboarded
At this year’s holiday party for Vice President Cheney’s staff, the VP himself donned the baggy red and white Santa suit and “Ho, ho, ho’d” his way around the room. After passing out presents to the children, Santa Cheney assembled the little ones and gave them some inspirational advice.
“You must be vigilant, children. Islamo-fascists can be anywhere, so be sure and check under your bed and in your closet before you go to sleep at night. And Santa hopes you will report any suspicious activity you see to Homeland Security, even if it’s Mommy or Daddy. Say your prayers, brush your teeth, and tell your parents that Santa wants them to vote Republican in November. Merry Christmas.”
An attempt was made to have children sit on Santa’s lap for photos, but this event had to be cut short as the panicked screams of the little ones brought Capital Security Guards rushing into the party with weapons drawn.
As he departed, Santa Cheney left the attendees with a final piece of holiday advice. “Be good, boys and girls, because if you’re naughty, Santa might rendition you to Syria for some “aggressive interrogation.” Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas everyone.”
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
President Bush to be a Space Case in Upcoming Bio
Washington, D.C. - Novelist Michael Crichton has been chosen to write the official biography of George Bush after the president steps down from office in January 2009. The author of the extremely popular Jurassic Park and co-creator of the long-running television show ER, Crichton was asked at the announcement ceremony why Bush chose a fiction writer over a well-known biographer.
“I’ve discussed this with the president, and he would like to take a slightly different approach to his biography. It’s going to be set on a mythical planet in the future.”
A reporter asked how the book could be called a biography if it is set in a fictional time and place.
“The essence of George Bush’s life and presidency will be retained, I assure you. It is simply a creative setting in which the story will unfold.”
“So he’ll be president on another planet?” a reporter asked.
“No. At his request, his title will be Supreme Eternal Overlord, and he will have mystical powers to see into peoples’ minds and never suffer from hangovers.”
Crichton also revealed that First Lady Laura Bush will be portrayed as a voluptuous green mute from the planet Sexomite and Vice President Dick Chaney will be represented as an evil black hole which consumes everything in its path.
“This is the creative challenge of a lifetime,” noted Crichton. “Portraying the president as an intergalactic superhero with god-like powers and still staying true to his life story won’t be a walk in the park, but I’ve had tougher assignments, like trying to disprove global warming.”
“I’ve discussed this with the president, and he would like to take a slightly different approach to his biography. It’s going to be set on a mythical planet in the future.”
A reporter asked how the book could be called a biography if it is set in a fictional time and place.
“The essence of George Bush’s life and presidency will be retained, I assure you. It is simply a creative setting in which the story will unfold.”
“So he’ll be president on another planet?” a reporter asked.
“No. At his request, his title will be Supreme Eternal Overlord, and he will have mystical powers to see into peoples’ minds and never suffer from hangovers.”
Crichton also revealed that First Lady Laura Bush will be portrayed as a voluptuous green mute from the planet Sexomite and Vice President Dick Chaney will be represented as an evil black hole which consumes everything in its path.
“This is the creative challenge of a lifetime,” noted Crichton. “Portraying the president as an intergalactic superhero with god-like powers and still staying true to his life story won’t be a walk in the park, but I’ve had tougher assignments, like trying to disprove global warming.”
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
What's in a name? Ask Jesus Christ O'Reilly
Conservative talk show host, author, and defender of Christmas Bill O’Reilly announced today that he is legally changing his first name to Jesus Christ.
“I’m just sick and tired of all of the equivocation and trepidation when it comes to saying ‘Jesus’ out loud anywhere but a church. We’re a Christian nation with a Christian heritage and if Jesus came back today, there is no doubt in my mind he would stop in America first. He has an open invitation to be on my show, by the way. So my new moniker will force the weak and the timid to speak the Son of God’s name out loud.”
Christian leaders from around the nation expressed mixed reactions to O’Reilly’s new name. The Reverend Charles Griffin, who leads a congregation of thousands at the Our Savior Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, expressed the views of many protestant clergy.
“Blasphemy. The man has gone insane. There is only one Jesus Christ, and Bill O’Reilly ain’t him.”
However, televangelist Pat Robertson feels O’Reilly is advancing the cause of Christianity.
“Think how many people will now utter the name Jesus Christ and not be swearing. I would like to see more people change their names to Biblical ones. I’m seriously considering becoming Nebuchadnezzar Robertson.”
The Vatican minced no words in a memo condemning O’Reilly, calling him, “…a dangerous buffoon and a heretic.”
Callers to O’Reilly’s talk show, The O’Reilly Factor, have also been split. Although many callers used long strings of profanity, some, like Mildred from Omaha, applauded the change. “I know Jesus is pleased because we had breakfast together today and he told me how proud he was of Mr. O’Reilly.”
O’Reilly is also working on a new book entitled, “What Would I Do?”
Friday, December 14, 2007
Two names. One party.
The Democrats in congress are pitiful. All signs indicate that they are going to help pass Bush’s version of the FISA bill that will give telecommunications companies amnesty for past wrong doing, and Harry Reid is leading the way.
The cowardice and capitulation of the Dems in congress is well documented. Americans are told that they live under a two-party political system, but that is simply one more Washington-chopped-down-the-cherry-tree myth in a long line of American myths. Our country is governed by a single political party shackled to the money and influence of major corporations. The one-percenters who run corporate America decide which candidates get huge donations and which do not based on a rather simple formula: How compliant will the candidate be to the industries’ wishes (Clinton, very. Kucinich, not so much).
I think this could explain the FISA vote. Congressional leaders have decided that the 2008 election is the most important priority on the planet, and everything they do is weighed and balanced against this singular event. Obviously, holding the Telecomm giants responsible for their evil deeds would make them very unhappy, and much less likely to pull out the checkbook when a Democrat comes knocking.
George Bush is a dangerous idiot who has brought this country closer to implosion than any other president in our history, but he is also a beneficiary of the same corrupt system that lands Democrats in the White House from time to time. Sure, I’ll vote for a Democrat next November, but I view it as a choice not between competing ideologies, but between the flu and the Black Plague.
The cowardice and capitulation of the Dems in congress is well documented. Americans are told that they live under a two-party political system, but that is simply one more Washington-chopped-down-the-cherry-tree myth in a long line of American myths. Our country is governed by a single political party shackled to the money and influence of major corporations. The one-percenters who run corporate America decide which candidates get huge donations and which do not based on a rather simple formula: How compliant will the candidate be to the industries’ wishes (Clinton, very. Kucinich, not so much).
I think this could explain the FISA vote. Congressional leaders have decided that the 2008 election is the most important priority on the planet, and everything they do is weighed and balanced against this singular event. Obviously, holding the Telecomm giants responsible for their evil deeds would make them very unhappy, and much less likely to pull out the checkbook when a Democrat comes knocking.
George Bush is a dangerous idiot who has brought this country closer to implosion than any other president in our history, but he is also a beneficiary of the same corrupt system that lands Democrats in the White House from time to time. Sure, I’ll vote for a Democrat next November, but I view it as a choice not between competing ideologies, but between the flu and the Black Plague.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Talking Jesus Action Figure
The Talking Jesus Action Figure has sold out at Wal Mart. You still might be able to find a talking Mary or Moses. They’re poseable. Each action figure comes with Velcro so you can attach it to the dashboard of your car or tractor and commune with the holy ones while you drive.
The Jesus action figure comes with a long list of instructions about appropriate behavior with the doll. After all, it’s the Son of God. Here is a sample.
Never look under Jesus’ robe
Jesus does not need a bath
Do not dress Jesus in G.I. Joe or Barbie clothes
You must never decorate Jesus’ robe with Magic Markers or crayons
Jesus never wears make-up
Jesus walks where ever he goes. He does not ride a motorcycle or a skateboard or the family cat.
Do not involve Jesus in battles with other action figures. However, if you remember this rule too late and Jesus is locked in combat with Spiderman or the Hulk, the Son of God must always win.
Never allow your teenage brothers or sisters to play with Jesus. Or your parents, for that matter.
Do not put Jesus in the Gerbil cage.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Things I wish I could be thankful for this Thanksgiving
The impeachment and imprisonment of George Bush and Dick Cheney
The beginning of the withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq
Progressives in control of Congress
A national initiative to fund the transition to clean, renewable energy
True campaign reform
Regulations that would break up the media ownership monopoly
Positive national goals (i.e., manned exploration of mars, reducing poverty and malnutrition, creating a service alternative to the military)
Universal healthcare
A new found respect in this country for intellectual accomplishments and learning in general
Big cuts in defense spending
Tax laws based on fairness
Gun control policies
An honest and reasoned approach to drug laws
The end of FOX News due to a lack of interest
Peace
The beginning of the withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq
Progressives in control of Congress
A national initiative to fund the transition to clean, renewable energy
True campaign reform
Regulations that would break up the media ownership monopoly
Positive national goals (i.e., manned exploration of mars, reducing poverty and malnutrition, creating a service alternative to the military)
Universal healthcare
A new found respect in this country for intellectual accomplishments and learning in general
Big cuts in defense spending
Tax laws based on fairness
Gun control policies
An honest and reasoned approach to drug laws
The end of FOX News due to a lack of interest
Peace
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Answers.com Creative Writing Competition
For whatever reason (kidney stones, laziness, Law & Order...) I've waited until now to post this. I won first place in the Answer.com Creative Writing contest. You can find out more about the contest itself at, of course, answers.com, or at larsonidealog.com, but the gist of it is that you have to use words from a list they provide in your story, and use them correctly. So, below is my entry.
The Shrieking of the Monkeys
Savannah. August. A midsummer fug envelops the usual early afternoon crowd of reprobates taking up space in the Shark Tooth Bar. The air is stale, unhealthy. I’m here recovering from a two-day salted nut roll binge, the sugar still coursing through my veins, sitting alone at my usual table. Actually, this is my office. My name is Brock Holberman, private investigator.
A beautiful but nervous doll nearby keeps glancing my way. She has trouble written all over her, and a number of other odd tattoos, but I ignore her, stirring my gazpacho.
Then the raven-haired tomato sashays over to my table likes she’s walking down a fashion show runway.
“What’s the matter? Don’t you like gazpacho?” she asks.
“I’m waiting for it to cool.”
She leans down. I smell lavender and tuna salad. “It’s supposed to be cold,” she whispers.
“Do we know each other?”
“I know you by reputation, Mr. Holberman. The Opus murders?”
“I got lucky. The tenor sang.”
“But you were the star of the show.” She sits sans invitation. “Claire Robin. I have a case, if you have the time.”
I knock my cup of coffee into my lap and stifle a scream. “A…case. I’m listening.”
“My late husband William Robin was the Duke of Hemmels-on-Taddemshire. We were living in Britain two years ago when he was brutally murdered at Kew Gardens by a man known only as The Simian.”
The Simian. “I helped put that big ape in the Big House.
“He’s out and he’s here in Savannah. I need you to get the goods on him.” She scribbles on a piece of paper. “He’s living in a trailer down by the river. Here’s the address.”
I suddenly have a bad case of horripilation. Was I being set up?
“Is this on the level?” I ask.
“What do you think?”
“I think recycling is a good idea.”
She slips me an envelope and stands. “Your retainer. Finish your gazpacho before it gets warm.”
I thumb through the contents of the envelope: five hundred bucks and two tickets to Sesame Street on Ice. Not bad.
I find The Simian’s trailer and it reminds me of my own salad days living out of an Airstream making money hand over fist as a freelance sheepherder.
It doesn’t take long for The Simian to make an appearance. He slips out of his trailer at 10:05 a.m. wearing a banana suit. Strange, I think. Why 10:05? I follow my bright yellow suspect to the city zoo where he spends the next hour taunting the spider monkeys. That pervert’s going down, I promise myself.
I head back to his trailer for a little snoop work. The place is a mess and smells of wet fur. Books are strewn about. One catches my eye. The Fifth Column: And Four Stories of the Spanish Civil War by Ernest Hemmingway. Funny. “Hemmingway” doesn’t sound like a Spanish name.
Then I hit pay dirt. In an envelope taped under a table, I found photos of The Simian, dressed in his banana suit, holding hands with Lady Robin, who’s wearing a Mr. Peanut costume. Then it all falls into place.
I abscond with the photos and head back to the Shark Tooth. Fortunately, Claire is there enjoying a glass of Ovaltine at the bar. After ordering my regular, I pounce.
“Mrs. Robin. Or should I say, Mrs. Peanut?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I slam the photos down on the bar. “That’s what I’m talking about.” The bartender is agog at the images, but I quickly get rid of him with an order for Yak milk. “You didn’t think I’d find out about your…appetites.”
Claire is squirming. “So I like to dress up like a peanut. That doesn’t prove anything.”
I hold up a piece of paper. “Ah, but this does. It’s a letter written and mailed by your husband only hours before his death. It names names”
Several of Savannah’s finest enter and join us at the bar. The ice woman finally cracks.
“That lousy…. He was going to expose us. Humiliate us in front of the entire world. All I wanted to do was hear the monkeys shriek.”
“And once banana boy was out of the picture, keep all the inheritance for yourself.” The cops cuff her. “Now you’re going to find out what it’s like on the other side of the bars, Peanut Butter. Take her away. My gazpacho’s getting cold.”
Monday, November 05, 2007
Done pissing in the wind
I have no more capacity for outrage.
Bush could soak a kitten in kerosene and set it ablaze in the Rose Garden and I’m not sure I could manage much more than a sigh. The Democrats would feign shock then vote to support the president’s bill weakening laws against animal cruelty. The press would unquestioningly accept the White House assertion that the kitty was in league with terrorists. The American people would be apoplectic for a day and then go back to sleep.
We handed over the reigns of power to a lunatic and his enablers with predictable results—America is in shambles. But with a year to go before Bush leaves office, things could get worse. Much worse. Pakistan is on the verge of exploding. Limp-dick Cheney wants yet again an opportunity to prove his manhood by blowing Iran off the map. Bush continues nominating imbeciles to the nation’s highest positions. Yet this past Sunday I gave the opinion page of my paper the same breezy fly-through that I usually reserve for the classifieds.
I just don’t care that much anymore. The president will continue to do as he pleases and congress will not stop him. The voices for justice are simply too weak to be heard. The Democratic candidate for president a year from now will most likely be Hillary Clinton, who, like her husband, knows how to speak “liberal” during campaigns, but votes conservative when the lever is actually pulled.
And I’m getting sick of writing letters to my representatives. It really is an exercise in futility. My Democratic senator seems to have no qualms about voting with Republicans on key issues, and my stream of embittered e-mails certainly hasn’t resulted in any epiphany on her part.
Resistance (even the quiet kind) requires energy and my batteries have been drained over the last seven years. I’m tired of pissing in the wind.
Bush could soak a kitten in kerosene and set it ablaze in the Rose Garden and I’m not sure I could manage much more than a sigh. The Democrats would feign shock then vote to support the president’s bill weakening laws against animal cruelty. The press would unquestioningly accept the White House assertion that the kitty was in league with terrorists. The American people would be apoplectic for a day and then go back to sleep.
We handed over the reigns of power to a lunatic and his enablers with predictable results—America is in shambles. But with a year to go before Bush leaves office, things could get worse. Much worse. Pakistan is on the verge of exploding. Limp-dick Cheney wants yet again an opportunity to prove his manhood by blowing Iran off the map. Bush continues nominating imbeciles to the nation’s highest positions. Yet this past Sunday I gave the opinion page of my paper the same breezy fly-through that I usually reserve for the classifieds.
I just don’t care that much anymore. The president will continue to do as he pleases and congress will not stop him. The voices for justice are simply too weak to be heard. The Democratic candidate for president a year from now will most likely be Hillary Clinton, who, like her husband, knows how to speak “liberal” during campaigns, but votes conservative when the lever is actually pulled.
And I’m getting sick of writing letters to my representatives. It really is an exercise in futility. My Democratic senator seems to have no qualms about voting with Republicans on key issues, and my stream of embittered e-mails certainly hasn’t resulted in any epiphany on her part.
Resistance (even the quiet kind) requires energy and my batteries have been drained over the last seven years. I’m tired of pissing in the wind.
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