You can give a mouse a cookie…but that doesn’t make him a baker

From today’s boingboing.net:

Pilot shoots hole in cockpit - trust is not transitive
Posted by Cory Doctorow, March 27, 2008 5:34 AM

Remember when they gave pilots guns to increase airplane security? On Saturday, a US Airways pilot accidentally fired his gun in the cockpit while trying to stow it, blowing a hole in the plane. Security expert Peter Biddle uses this as an object lesson to explain why "trust isn't transitive."

Let’s look at this quote from the article in question, attributed to Mike Boyd: “if somebody who has the ability to fly a 747 across the Pacific wants a gun, you give it to them.” This is a horribly flawed assumption, because it assumes that trust is transitive, when clearly it isn’t.

The reason trust isn’t transitive is because trust is most often based on data regarding the past which allows us to make assumptions about specific competence, quality of performance, and behaviors in the future.

We can assume that a trained pilot, when facing piloty thingies, will act like a trained pilot. WE CANNOT ASSUME THAT A TRAINED PILOT WILL ACT LIKE A TRAINED LION-TAMER WHEN FACING A WILD LION.

Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another. Saliently, the pilot in question must have thousands of hours of flight time, has done the pre-flight check hundreds or even thousands of times, has been steeped in pilot-ness and thus pilot-safety, probably since he was a late teen. He’s very likely an extraordinarily safe pilot. We can assume that every experienced 747 pilot has a keen awareness of the potential lethality of full loaded 747. In the past we can assume that they at least had a deep appreciation of the potential for harm to their own passengers, and post 9/11 we can assume that they appreciate the harm their plane can be to thousands of additional people.

The argument that Biddle makes goes directly to the heart of the larger issue of guns and self-defense. Pro-gun advocates have long claimed that people with training in how to shoot and handle a gun are qualified enough to own a gun for self-defense.

I have always had problems with that line of reasoning, but Biddle nails it in his explanation: We cannot assume that a trained pilot will act like a trained lion-tamer when facing a wild lion. I would add: You cannot assume that a mechanic or accountant or store clerk will act like a trained police officer when facing a criminal.

Showing someone how to shoot a gun is not the equivalent of attending a police academy and coming face to face with criminals on a daily basis. Police officers are trained over many months in how to act in stressful, life or death situations and, once on the job, they face those kinds of situations frequently.

As a writer, I simply do not encounter life or death situations where I have to decide whether to pull a trigger or not. How can I predict how I would act if I had a gun in my back pocket and I felt threatened? Yeah, I know how to aim and shoot the weapon, but my hand will be shaking, my mind racing, my adrenaline pumping. Will I make the right decision? Will I hurt or kill an innocent bystander? Is it a burglar rummaging around downstairs or my oldest son making a surprise visit home from college?

Giving a person a gun and showing him how to use it is not the same thing as training him about when, where and why to use it. Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another.

Dim Bulb Bachmann Does it Again

The United States is beginning its sixth year of war in Iraq with no end in sight. Our military war dead now top 4,000, with hundreds of thousands of Iraqis either dead or displaced. America is on the brink of an economic recession if not already in one. Our standing in the world is at an all-time low. The president and vice president dismiss the will of the people and thumb their noses at the democratic process.

And Minnesota representative Michele Bachmann wants to talk about light bulbs.

The intellectually vapid Bachmann has found yet another way to embarrasses her home state in front of the world. In a move that can only be seen as ideological grand standing, Bachman has introduced something called the “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act” in the house. Yes, you read that right.

According to the Star-Tribune, Bachmann “…is challenging the nation's embrace of energy-efficient compact fluorescent lights, saying the government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy.”

Global warming as a result of human activity is a hoax, according to Bachmann, thus her courageous pro-choice light bulb stance.

Poor Michele is forever in the dark, substituting rote conservative dogma for actual thinking. I guess that makes her the ideal candidate for a position in the Bush administration in its remaining months. A long black robe, perhaps?

Bush’s “Before-I-Leave-Office-To-Do-List” Leaked to Press

A reporter from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune was mistakenly e-mailed President Bush’s personal “to-do” list for his remaining time in office. The list is now being quickly circulated around the Internet.

Boink Senator Bachmann

Finish “My Pet Goat”

Start a war with Iran

Find Paraguay on the map

Look into this ‘Internet’ thing

Find out where in the hell Cheney goes to hide

Waterboard Keith Olbermann

Drop a nuke somewhere

Take a ride on that UFO stashed in New Mexico

FINAL DAY ACTIVITIES

Super-glue all the drawers shut

Put cellophane under the toilet seats

Take soap, towels, ashtrays, shampoo

Blame the Democrats

Creepy Argentinean Gnome to Appear on Dancing With The Stars

The YouTube phenom “Creepy Gnome” has signed a deal for an undisclosed six-figure amount to appear on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. The half-pint hoofer caused an international buzz when he was captured on video emerging from some brush to drop a loopy sidestep in the middle of la calle. The Argentinean teenagers who witnessed the gnome’s signature soft-shoe were not amused and ran from the scene shrieking in fear. The gnome says it was all a misunderstanding.

“I’ll admit I was off my game that night. There was a party in my neighborhood and the Sangria was flowing…. Honestly, I didn’t mean to scare the kids, but I can understand why they ran. As you can see from the video, my timing was awful, frightening, you might say. I’d have run off, too.”

Creepy will be teamed up with Monica Seles for a show to air sometime in the fall. Seles put on a brave face for the media, but it was apparent a gnome was not her first choice as a partner.

“He’s so tiny I may have to dance on my knees. Honestly, just the thought of touching it makes my skin crawl, but a contract is a contract.”

ABC’s publicity department has the diminutive dancer on a grueling promotional blitz that will cover major cities in the United States throughout the summer.

“Everything I knew up to this point I learned from Michael Jackson videos,” admitted Creepy. “But now I’m working with some pros and the salsa is coming along nicely, thank you very much. I’m excited about the show.”

Working Class Hero?

I was intrigued this morning by some examples of work I came across by a professional photographer. Shot for an annual report, the beautiful black and white photos captured employees of a power company carrying out their daily duties as linemen, equipment operators, plant managers, etc. One striking photo frames a group of three linemen with the vast plains of western Colorado as their background. One square-jawed guy has a droopy moustache, and another is clearly Native American. Exchange the hard hats and tool belts for Stetsons and chaps and you have an archetypal image of the 19th-century cowboy.

Compare these shots of weatherworn American laborers with the photo taken of the company’s president. The images could not be starker in contrast. In this instance, the black and white Polaroid transfer technique works against its subject. In his tailored black suit and sporting the standard-issue executive haircut with expertly situated wisps of grey, the president sits leaning forward, his hands loosely clasped together in what was surely intended to convey a thoughtful, engaged mood. Dark eyes open just an uneasy fraction too wide stare from behind frameless glasses. All of this plus the sepia tone give the photo an eerie mid-twentieth century feel when captains of capitalism were building financial empires on the backs of the working-class here and abroad, busting unions, and plotting the overthrow of our government.

Unfortunately, from Prescott Bush to George W. H. Bush, things haven’t changed all that much, and in some ways have gotten worse. The visual contrast between the photos on my desk is just as easily a metaphor for our current era out-of-control capitalism, where the average CEO earns 369 times as much as the average worker, unions are dwindling, and companies have severed ties to national interests. John Lennon released “Working Class Hero” in 1970. I couldn’t remember a lot of the words, so I googled the lyrics and found it was as absolutely dead-on today as it was 38 years ago.


Working Class Hero
by John Lennon

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you're so clever and class less and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

A Sneak Peak at the Bush Presidential “Library”

Washington, D.C. - A general organizational outline of the proposed George H. Bush Presidential Library was leaked to the press today. The library, which will be housed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, will contain a highly selective collection of unclassified documents, notes and memorabilia from Bush’s eight years as president. Sources say that President Bush himself has been very involved in selecting materials for the library, and that the following list reflects his preferences. The library will be organized by the following topics under which will be found several representative examples:

THE MAN BEHIND THE PRESIDENT
Favorite Fart Jokes
Naughty Doodles Made During Meetings
Photo collection of the president’s favorite body builders
The President Wrestles and Kills a Grizzly with his Bare Hands (Diorama)

THE FIRST LADY
“Why the Caged Bird Sings” and other relevant readings
Cute Clothes I’ve Worn: A Historical Retrospective
What’s on Laura’s Mind? (interactive)

INTERNATIONAL POLICY
Countries I Would Have Bombed Given the Chance
President Bush’s Contributions to Middle East Peace
Game Arcade: Find Osama bin Laden. Nuke ‘em All. Support the Right Dictator.

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
“Let’s Nuke San Francisco.” The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Bush’s Inner Circle
Me and Condi
The Cheney Weapons Collection and Fear Factory
The Cake Walk
The President’s Enemies List. (allow a full day)

DOMESTIC POLICY
“I spied on you because I loved you.” The President Reminiscences About Domestic Spying
Why Giving the Wealthiest Americans More Money is Good. (PowerPoint presentation)
The Hall of Signing Statements (allow a full day)

Bad Boomers

In the comments section of an article chronicling the latest Bush administration embarrassment (I know, it’s so hard to keep up), a letter writer laid blame at the feet of baby boomers for screwing things up for the next generation. After all, Bush is a boomer.

At first I was a little ticked off, being a boomer myself. Kind of a broad swipe, in my opinion. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this person was right on target. For those of us hovering around the mid-century mark, things started off with a bong, er, bang, and quickly went downhill from there.

The 60s were an awesome party (I’m glad I was alive to go to it) and for a brief moment in time there were a lot of young people around the world who actually believed they could change the system for the better. All you need is love. We did help stop a war, got the environmental movement going, moved women’s issues to the forefront of national debate, shined the harsh light of reality on institutional racism in the South, turned Rock & Roll into a world-wide force, and got high. Not a bad day’s work, in my book.

Then something happened. We went from Woodstock to Altamont in the blink of an eye. Camelot morphed into Watergate. Love turned to anger and bitterness. Tricky Dick got his revenge, and we helped him. And we’ve given Republicans 26 of the last 38 years to govern this country, culminating with the man who will hold the title of worst president in American history. And we helped.

We, and the children we raised to adulthood, are responsible for this mess. Wherever you think the blame should fall — the military-industrial complex, the media, the government — we are the ones with our hands on the controls. We have fucked things up in a big way. I don’t know the why, but I know the how, and it happened when our nation turned (or was turned) from hope to fear, and fear ALWAYS plays into the hands of Republicans.

It’s not easy accepting responsibility for what we’ve done. Rigged elections or not, a whole lot of boomers who should have known better voted for Bush. Twice. It’s inexcusable.

We, my generation, have our hands on the controls, but it turns out we’ve driven spaceship earth drastically off course, making wrong turn after wrong turn. Now it’s up to our children and their children to take on the Herculean task of trying to get this country back on course.

They have a right to be pissed off.

McCain Makes VP Pick: Jessica Simpson

In a bold and surprising move, presidential candidate John McCain announced today that actress Jessica Simpson has agreed to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. McCain was unusually candid with reporters about his stunning decision.

“Look, Jessica is far smarter than her celebrity persona would lead you to believe. I’ve spent many evenings with her recently discussing foreign policy and economics. She’s a huge fan of Friedman’s work. She also has a very strong grasp of my policy positions. And let’s face it, she’s hot. Hot, hot, hot. Very…hot. Steamin’.”

McCain was asked about the tactical implications of choosing Simpson as his running mate.

“Jessica is my very own ‘Southern Strategy.’ We’ve got the good-old-boy, trailer trash vote sewn up with her on the ticket. Younger males and men in the military will vote for us in droves. See, it will be a two-pronged attack, and you know what two prongs I’m talking about. Right?”

Will he have Simpson tone down her sexy image for the campaign?

“Not on your life. We’re going to play up her….assets as much as humanly possible. We’re working on a couple of television spots right now that are going to peel the paint off your walls.”

Reporters wanted to know what his wife Cindy thought about Simpson joining the campaign.

“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet, but she’ll be fine. She’ll always be my First Lady.”

McCain announced that he and Simpson would immediately take off for a week of intensive campaign preparation in the South of France.

McCain Pledges More War

Columbus, Ohio — Republican John McCain, the self-proclaimed “pro-war” candidate, issued a press release today entitled: “My 10-point Plan for Keeping America in Continuous Conflict.” Insisting that he’s never met a war he didn’t like, McCain promised he would keep America actively engaged in battle throughout his administration’s tenure.

“Let there be no mistake,” said McCain, “Americans love war. It’s in our blood. And I am the only candidate who will guarantee at least four more years of death and destruction. We have the greatest military machine the world has ever known, and by George, I pledge to you that I will use it.”

McCain’s 10-point plan:

1. Increase levels of spending for defense from billions to bazillions.

2. Create a Department of Taunting and Provoking in the Pentagon

3. Treat any country with predominantly dark-skin people as a potential terrorist threat

4. Go Medieval on Russia’s ass if it so much as looks at us cross-eyed.

5. Nominate Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense.

6. Issue weapons to every American citizen over the age of 10.

7. Build military basis wherever the hell we want to.

8. Level Sweden, Norway and any other left-leaning, socialist, tofu-eating countries.

9. Build walls on both our southern and northern borders — one to keep out illegal immigrants, the other to keep out liberals.

10. Invade first, ask questions later.

Cheney reveals post-VP plans: Evil, Inc.

Washington, D.C. – At a news conference today, Vice President Cheney discussed his career plans once he leaves office.

“Many people have been asking me what I plan to do after my tenure as vice president is over. I am once again returning to the private sector where I will run a little start-up venture called Evil, Inc. My carefully picked staff and I will serve as consultants to the world’s dictators, despots, thugs, strong men, and others who rule with an iron fist. In other words, my heroes. We will counsel them on the many ways to keep power through terror and intimidation, and help them build a secret police force, torture facilities, and a highly intrusive surveillance system. It’s a wide open market.”

A reporter asked if this wasn’t at odds with American foreign policy, and Cheney laughed.

“I will be an entrepreneur, not a politician. Morality or even laws of common decency will be a non-issue. Our wonderful capitalist system is values-neutral, which means I can do what I damn well please, along as I make money.”

Another reporter wanted to know if that meant he favored legalizing prostitution, heroin and gladiator fights, to which the VP answered, “No. Although if they were legal, I’d have a big-ass piece of that action.”

Cheney said he had the full backing of the president in this endeavor, particularly if a Democrat wins this November. “George is all lathered up about Armageddon and his daughter’s wedding, so he basically doesn’t give a shit what I do.”

As he ended the press conference, he added this piece of practical advice. “Remember, always go with your strengths.”

Bush shocks world: “I was not born on your planet.”

In a taped conversation with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, President Bush revealed that he was born on another planet. The admission stunned everyone in the studio, including Kroft. What follows is a transcript of the ensuing conversation.

Kroft: Another planet? What do you mean, Mr. President?

Bush: Another planet. If I said the name of it your ears would bleed. It’s several galaxies away.

Kroft: You’re an alien?

Bush: Yes, but I’m legal. Got all the right paperwork. I was brought here to Earth as a baby and placed in the care of George and Barbara. Nice people. You see, all of this — my life, my career, my rise to the presidency — all of it was preordained. I was brought here to become president of the United States.

Kroft: Why?

Bush: To prepare you for this day. My assignment was to weaken Earth’s strongest nation and bring it to its knees to pave the way for an invasion from my planet. Mission accomplished.

Kroft: Invasion?

Bush: They’re on their way as I speak. Trust me. Enslavement isn’t the worst thing that could happen in your life.

Kroft: This is outrageous.

Bush: Not really. You brought it on yourself by electing a dumbass like me. What were you thinking?

Kroft: We will fight you.

Bush: We’ll you’ll give it the old college try, but the U.S. military is in a shambles, demoralized, leaderless. I made sure of that. My lord you people are gullible. How could you actually think one of your fellow humans would act so aggressively to destroy your own country? Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to go meet the ships and reunite with my real colony. Steve?

Kroft: Yeah?

Bush: Resistance is futile, but it makes for great TV. Carry on.

The Martial Law theory

During the past seven years, there have been any number of conspiracy theories surrounding the actions of the Bush Administration, from being involved in 9/11 to deliberately lying us into war to rigging elections. Some theories have actually proven to be true (there’s no question Bush was wearing an electronic device during his debates with Kerry), some have extremely strong circumstantial evidence (spinning pre-war intel, election tampering) and some that are supported by very weak or questionable evidence.

One conspiracy theory that refuses to die is that BuschCo is planning to use some devastating tragedy in the United States to declare martial law before the 2008 elections. Over the years, bits and pieces of circumstantial evidence have been uncovered to suggest that this may in fact be a plan, but not nearly enough sway large numbers of people or the media. Progressive BlogGod Kos has dismissed the idea as nonsense.

My opinion on the martial law theory has always been, “hard to imagine, but I wouldn’t put anything past them.” The depths of deception to which people like Cheney, Rove and Bush will plunge knows no bottom. These have proven to be dangerous people in very influential positions.

An article in the latest issue of The Progressive raises the specter of the martial law theory once again. In “Exclusive! The FBI Deputizes Business” written by Matthew Rothschild, the author delves into a little-known partnership between private industry and the F.B.I and the Department of Homeland Security. The partnership is known as Infraguard, and its purpose is to keep essential private enterprises running during a terrorist attack or national crises…including martial law.

So the heads of companies critical to keeping the country’s infrastructure operating during a crises (transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, public health, etc.) receive early warning updates from the F.B.I on potential threats prior to the general public. At the same time, these companies are asked to report to the F.B.I any suspicious activity they might encounter.

It’s a fascinating and frightening article that everyone should read, but what it has to say about the martial law theory is extremely important. Here is a key passage:

This business owner says he attended a small InfraGard meeting where agents of the FBI and Homeland Security discussed in astonishing detail what InfraGard members may be called upon to do.

“The meeting started off innocuously enough, with the speakers talking about corporate espionage,” he says. “From there, it just progressed. All of a sudden we were knee deep in what was expected of us when martial law is declared. We were expected to share all our resources, but in return we’d be given specific benefits.” These included, he says, the ability to travel in restricted areas and to get people out.
But that’s not all.

“Then they said when—not if—martial law is declared, it was our responsibility to protect our portion of the infrastructure, and if we had to use deadly force to protect it, we couldn’t be prosecuted,” he says.

The author has confirmed from others that this was in fact what was talked about at the meeting. More circumstantial evidence, I know, but when it comes to the Bush Administration, we cant’ put anything past them.

Interview with Giuliani: “Don’t call me for the next 9/11”

For the first time since abandoning his presidential bid, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani sat for an interview to discuss his run for the country’s top office and his future plans with freelance journalist Joshua Binkley.

Binkley
I’m sure you’re disappointed about having to drop out of the presidential race. What was the deciding moment for you?

Giuliani
9/11. It changed everything. I thought to myself, ‘Rudy, you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a traumatized war veteran, a Mormon, and a Jesus freak. You got two choices: have ‘em whacked or drop out of the race.’ Being somewhat cash strapped, hiring a good button man was out of the question, so, here I am.

Binkley
Do you have any regrets? Would you change anything about how you ran your campaign?

Giuliani
Since 9/11, I live one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment of my life, because it could happen again anytime, anywhere. And let me just say this for the record. If a Democrat is elected president, no one will be safe. The terrorists will strike our weakened country and kill many people. But, America, listen to me. When it happens, don’t call Rudy Giuliani to come stand on your rubble and look strong. Ain’t gonna happen. You reject me, I reject you.

Binkley
So you’re saying you wouldn’t help if another catastrophe like 9/11 happened again?

Giuliani
That is correct. 9/11 changed everything. I’ve given all I can to my country. Let Billary or Obama bin Laden do the heavy lifting now. I saved this freakin’ country and this is the thanks I get.

Binkley
So what are your future plans?

Giuliani
I haven’t made that many long-term plans since 9/11. Life’s short. Enjoy it. But I have had many offers. Right now I’m looking at leadership positions in a waste management firm and an olive oil business. I’m also making it known here and now that if I was offered an ambassadorship to Sicily, I would not turn it down.

Binkley
But Sicily is a part of Italy. It’s not a country.

Giuliani
You being a wise guy?

Binkley
No.

Giuliani
Shut up. 9/11.

New APA warning label: May Contain Clowns

Based on results from researchers in England, the American Psychological Association (APA) is advocating a new warning label for clowns.

The announcement came today from the APA after the publication of research results from the University of Sheffield. Researchers were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards, so they took a poll of young patients.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children,” said a researcher. “Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

The APA suggests that the new warning label (Caution: May contain clowns) be required on circus advertisements, prior to certain children’s television shows, on any invitation to a birthday party that will feature a clown, and at the entrance to all McDonald’s restaurants.

Chairman of the APA board Kurt Phlegmn said, “We are concerned with the emotional health of our children. We now know that clowns are frightening, and if contact with one could result in trauma to a toddler, we feel it’s time to step up.”

Phlegmn said the organization is also looking into warning labels for department store Santa Claus’s, giant Easter Bunnies, and parades.

If I programmed the Talking Jesus Action Figure

“I’m sorry you’re going to hell.”

“Yes, I do use product in my hair.”

“Pats win the whole enchilada. You can take that to the bank.”

“The ‘H’ stands for Hymie.”

“Well, I just don’t see your name on the reservation list. Can you spell that again?”

“I wanted to try a nice Italian suit, but my agent said the robe was part of my brand.”

“Sucks to be you.”

“It was messiah or carpenter. What would you choose?”

“I confess. I’m addicted to ‘Lost.’”

“I’ll come back when I’m damn good and ready to come back. Capiche?”

“My parents were too embarrassed to talk about sex. Hence, Immaculate Conception.”

"I taught Angel everything he knows."

"Like to pull my string? Here, pull my finger."

"I invented string cheese."

"Whoa. Three days without a shower...in a cave! I tell you, I smelt like yesterday's Gefilte Fish."

President Huckabee? Just shoot me now.

Why is a nutcase like Mike Huckabee the leading Republican candidate for president? It seems we actually do have a two party system in the United States: one party for sane people and another for Republicans. How can there be that many crazy people in this country? Huckabee should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a group home talking to his invisible friend Jesus, not running for president.

We’re still trying to get rid of one insane president, and Republicans want to elect another one. The depth of their disdain for America seems to know no bounds. We have somehow lost our ability to discern between what is sensible and reasonable and what is senseless and irrational. Huckabee wants to rewrite the Constitution and turn America into a full-fledged theocracy, and a large number of Republicans think that’s just dandy.

This is 2008 ladies and gentlemen. We’ve put people on the moon. We’ve cured diseases. We’ve got flat-screen TVs for Chrissake. Yet there are living, breathing Americans out there, products of our public school system, who believe a man waved his hands and parted a sea. The difference between Islamo-Fascists and Christo-fascists is nothing more than semantics. Both groups want us to return to the Dark Ages.

Huckabee is a freaking lunatic who is enabled by other lunatics. Our fate as a country will be sealed if this knucklehead should somehow make it to the White House.

Huckabee vows to take red pen to U.S. Constitution

Mike Huckabee rocked the presidential campaign recently when he said he would revise the United States Constitution to reflect “God’s standards” instead of man’s standards. The Republican front-runner said it would be a lot easier to change words in the Constitution than change God’s words.

Comments on Huckabee’s plan from pundits and political observers around the country ranged from, “He’s f***ing nuts” to “He said what?” to “And I thought Bush was crazy.” Ironically, one of the few kind words spoken in Huckabee’s defense came from President George Bush.

“I think Mike could be on to something there,” said the president. “There aren’t enough God words in the Constitution which leaves it too open to interrogation. In addition, I believe we should change our national symbol from the eagle to a crown of thorns with blood on the tips. I wear one sometimes at night. Hurts like hell.”

In an exclusive, this reporter has obtained a rough draft of Huckabee’s proposed changes to the Preamble to the Constitution.


We the [obedient servants of Jesus Christ] People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect [religion] Union, establish [conformity] Justice, insure [church attendance] domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote [Christianity] the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of [Jesus Christ] Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this [Christian] Constitution for the United States of America.

Huckabee has also said that if elected president, he would consider revising the Bill of Rights, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven.”

Out of the Ordinary

I took a moment the other day to stand on my deck watch two gray squirrels chase each other around a giant oak in my backyard. They ran in fits and starts, stopping for a split second now and then to flick their tails before taking up the chase again. Their ability to follow each other closely at hyper speed on a vertical surface amazes me in the same way flocks of birds do when hundreds swoop and turn in uniform precision.

From trunk to branch and back again, the squirrels scurried around the tree in a frantic race to nowhere. Because they are able to run and react at such high speed, at least from a human perspective, it sometimes looked as though they were a single animal connected by an invisible thread.

And they seemed so fearless. They would chase each other out to the end of a branch that had the circumference of a toothpick, then effortlessly grab or jump to another reed-thin branch twenty feet off the ground and scamper back to the trunk. It made you wonder if the laws of physics applied to these gravity-defying squirrels. Maybe all squirrels are flying squirrels.

After a few more laps around the trunk, squirrel one ran out on a branch to the very tip. There it hesitated for a heartbeat, then jumped to a telephone line, grabbing it with two front paws in a gymnastic maneuver that would draw applause at the Olympics. It then swung from the line to a lower branch, jumped, twirled once in the air, and stuck his landing in the snow. It all happened in about a second, but I believe I witnessed an event that was daring even by squirrel standards.

I say this based on the reaction of the second squirrel. As it had done many times before, number two followed its playmate out to the end of the limb. Instead of instinctually following the leader, however, squirrel two stopped and started and stopped again, clearly uncertain if his friend’s leap of faith was worth the risk. I could sense the angst as the squirrel made repeated journeys to the end of the limb. He was either trying to muster the courage to jump or excoriating his partner for such a jackass stunt. In the end, squirrel two returned to the trunk to greet his daredevil buddy. The chase picked up right where it left off, and the two squirrels became indistinguishable again.

I had observed something remarkable in a very unremarkable event. It reaffirmed for me the difference between “seeing” and “observing.” Even though we see things every day, we miss a lot of extraordinary things because — using film terminology — we merely pan instead of focus. When you take a moment to focus, you find there is really no such thing as the mundane or ordinary.

The ABCs of the Bush years (updated)

A is for:

Abramoff, autocracy, army, Afghanistan, anger, Abu Grhaib, anti-abortion, Anthrax, Armageddon, armor plate, AWOL

B is for:

Baghdad, Brownie, bombing, Bush, bribery, Berlusconi, bungle, boondoggle, Blair, bait and switch, bring it on, brush, Bhutto, blind ambition, bunker mentality

C is for:

Civil war, conceal, climate, Congress, cheat, cover-up, CIA, controversy, corruption, Cheney, chicken hawks, Craig, chemical weapons, contempt, Coulter, cocaine, China

D is for:

Data mining, death, Dubai, deceit, debt, DeLay, draft evader, dimwit, divisive, distort, Diebold, deny

E is for:

Escalate, evasion, Enron, empire, evil, echo chamber, ethics, evangelicals, embarrassment, eavesdropping, erratic, elections, Edwards, evolution, electronic voting, endless war

F is for:

Fallujah, fear, fanatic, fleece, failure, Falwell, fact-challenged, Frist, fortunes, fascism, flat earth, Florida, Franken

G is for:

Greed, graft, Gingrich, guns, gas-guzzler, gall, GITMO, Gonzales, global warming, gulag, gerrymander, Gore

H is for:

Hate, hubris, Halliburton, hostile, Hillary, hypocrisy, helluvajob, homophobia, hurricane, hick, hunting, Huckabee, Hummer

I is for:

Iraq, inept, imbecilic, illogical, invasion, impeachment, Iran, ignorant, incoherent, Islamo-fascists, Israel, incomprehensible, investigations, illegal aliens

J is for:

Junket, justify, jabberwocky, jeopardize, Jekyll and Hyde, junta, judgmental, Jesus

K is for:

Katrina, K-Street, king, Kuwait, know-nothing, kook, kowtow, Kenny-boy, Kool Aid, Kurds

L is for:

Lie, lazy, Lay, Limbaugh, lame duck, lap dog, leaderless, liability, lip service, loco, lowdown, lunatic fringe, land mine, lobbyist, legacy, Lieberman

M is for:

Manchurian candidate, mislead, mortar attack, misery, malapropism, mass media, McCain, misappropriate, mission accomplished, morass, Middle East, My Pet Goat, Michael Moore

N is for:

Negative, naïve, Nixon, nasty, nitwit, nonsense, nuclear, national debt, non sequitur, North Korea, Novak, neglect, Nero, National Guard, NRA, No Child Left Behind

O is for:

Oblivious, oil, Obama, occupation, obstinate, oppressive, Osama, on message, out of touch, O’Reilly, Ohio, Olbermann

P is for:

Plame, patriarchy, planes, Paraguay, panic, pander, Persian Gulf, ports, Poppy, Powell, preemptive, profiteering, power, polls, Putin, paraplegic, Pakistan

Q is for:

Questionable, quagmire, quandary, Qatar, quicksand, quail

R is for:

Rummy, racism, radical, Rove, reprehensible, right-wing, Robertson, reactionary, Rice, rogues’ gallery, rock bottom, Romney, R.I.P., revenge

S is for:

Soulless, simpleton, signing statements, shock and awe, sin, Senate, shaft, surveillance, stooge, September 11, staged, sneer, Supreme Court, stay-the-course, Saudi Arabia, stolen elections, shambles, Skull and Crossbones, surge, suicide bomber

T is for:

Twin Towers, Tenet, twist, terrorism, tax breaks, the twins, Tehran, time frame, tin ear, torture, tragedy, train wreck, tyrant, tongue-tied, timetable, Texas

U is for:

Unlawful, unfeeling, unwise, unpredictable, utter failure, untouchable, unthinkable, unparalleled, useless, undermine, unitary executive

V is for:

Vacuous, vacation, Vietnam, voters, violence, vapid, veto, veterans, VFW, vengeful, villainous, Vice President, vests

W is for:

War, waste, wounded soldiers, wiretap, Wide stance, wuss, wishful thinking, worthless, worst, wrong, weak, world domination, wreck, WWIII, worrisome, Wolfowitz

X is for:

Xenophobia

Y is for:

Youthful indiscretions, yahoo, y’all, yes men, yellow, yokel, yo yo, yammer, Yemen

Z is for:

Zealot, zero, zilch

“Santa” Cheney says naughty children could be waterboarded

At this year’s holiday party for Vice President Cheney’s staff, the VP himself donned the baggy red and white Santa suit and “Ho, ho, ho’d” his way around the room. After passing out presents to the children, Santa Cheney assembled the little ones and gave them some inspirational advice.

“You must be vigilant, children. Islamo-fascists can be anywhere, so be sure and check under your bed and in your closet before you go to sleep at night. And Santa hopes you will report any suspicious activity you see to Homeland Security, even if it’s Mommy or Daddy. Say your prayers, brush your teeth, and tell your parents that Santa wants them to vote Republican in November. Merry Christmas.”

An attempt was made to have children sit on Santa’s lap for photos, but this event had to be cut short as the panicked screams of the little ones brought Capital Security Guards rushing into the party with weapons drawn.

As he departed, Santa Cheney left the attendees with a final piece of holiday advice. “Be good, boys and girls, because if you’re naughty, Santa might rendition you to Syria for some “aggressive interrogation.” Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas everyone.”