Caught on tape: John McCain’s VP deliberations

Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.

Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.

McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.

Voice: Yes Sir.

McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?

Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.

McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.

Voice: Here’s her picture.

McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.

Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.

McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.

Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.

McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.

Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.

McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”

Voice: Sir. Are you all right?

McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.

Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—

McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.

Voice: But—

McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.

Voice: Yes sir.

McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.

President Bush prepares nation for Gustav

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

President Bush prepares nation for Gustov

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustov approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

Cindy McCain: “I’m buying the presidency for John’s birthday.”

Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate John McCain, told a group of reporters that she is going to buy the presidency of the United States as a gift for John’s seventy-second birthday.

“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”

Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.

“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”

John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.

“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”

A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.

“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”

McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.

Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.

An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.

“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”

Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.

“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”

A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.

“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”

McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.

Bush on Maliki – “She’s my bitch.”

Washington, D.C. — At a press conference today, President Bush was asked how he was able to persuade Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to withdraw his previous endorsement of a timetable for withdrawal of American troops. The President was blunt.

“She’s my bitch. That’s how. Look, these are some type of subhuman species. They’re not fully developed human beings like you or I. They need to be told what to do every minute of the day otherwise they start thinking for themselves and…and of course, disaster ensues.”

President Bush was asked whether Iraq was indeed a sovereign nation or merely a puppet regime designed to do Washington’s bidding.

“No. Iraq is a nation. They’ve had elections. Okay? Now, it’s kind of like a Boy Scout troop. You let the scouts have their say, give their input, but at the end of the day it’s the scoutmaster who has the final say.”

One reporter said the statement sounded paternalistic.

“What?” asked Bush. “Patterns? You think it has something to do with patterns? Like a quilt?”

Bush ended his press conference with a note of confidence for Maliki.

“He’s a good man. I’ve looked in his eyes and seen a wise and good man. A wise and good man without a spine, a frightened man, which is the best kind of wise and good man.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Advocates Backyard Oil Rigs

Washington, D.C. – During a teleconference today, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that to help cut gas prices, congress should open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, and allow for the expansion of oil exploration in other areas including Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and off the Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf of Mexico coasts.

Bachmann went a step further and said every patriotic family in America should drill for oil in their own backyard.

“Let’s put American ingenuity to work on an individual basis. Most homeowners have a shovel. I say, start digging. If you can get your hands on an oil rig, all the better. But let’s not just sit on our rears watching Wheel of Fortune while gas prices skyrocket. Government can’t do everything.”

A reporter asked Bachmann about the practicality of trying to dig for oil with a shovel.

“Look, I don’t know the technicalities involved in drilling for oil. I just know you make a hole and the oil spurts up. How hard is that? Heck, Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies struck oil by shooting into the ground. So buy guns, people. Shoot the ground. Let’s get creative, America.”

During the interview, Bachmann had nothing but praise for President Bush and his energy policies, saying, “He could drill in my backyard anytime.”

White House Denies Significance of New Locks

Washington, D.C. – There was frenzied speculation inside the Beltway yesterday after it was revealed that President Bush had ordered all of the White House locks changed. A spokesperson for the White House said that this was nothing more than a regular security measure, but members of Barack Obama’s campaign team were suspicious.

“Why is he changing the locks now?” wondered one Obama supporter. “And what about the new machine gun installations and the bars? What kind of message is Bush sending?”

The spokesman was referring to the recently installed machine gun/missile launching structures on the White House roof and the iron bars placed over all first floor windows. In her daily press conference, White House Press Secretary Dana Parino dismissed the concerns of the Obama camp.

“This is typical election year posturing on their part. These security measures have been in the works for several years and just now got the go ahead from congress. There is nothing more to it than that.”

When questioned about the funding for the so-called security measures at the White House, senate majority leader Harry Reid said Democrats in congress were told the money was for grounds maintenance and a new coat of paint.

“They lied to us,” said an incredulous Reid. “As hard as it is for me and other congressional Democrats to believe, this administration out-and-out lied to us. What did they think? That we wouldn’t approve the money if they told us the truth? It’s never been an issue before this. To me, it just shows a lack of trust and good will on the part of this administration.”

Karl Rove Named New Presidential Envoy to Paraguay.

Washington, D.C. – Embattled former Bush advisor Karl Rove held an impromptu teleconference this morning form his new office somewhere in northern Paraguay. Sweating profusely, Mr. Rove appeared to be delivering his announcement from inside a small metal hut. His speech was interrupted several times by chickens fighting in the background and what appeared to be native tribesmen pointing machetes at Rove and screaming. The text of Mr. Rove’s speech:

“Fellow Americans. I am very excited and honored to tell you that President Bush asked me yesterday to spearhead a new diplomatic initiative in the strategic South American country of Paraguay. As a special envoy, I will work to establish strong diplomatic ties with the Paraguayan government and oversee the building of a strategic complex to house other American diplomats who will work with me on this endeavor in the future. I truly regret not being able to testify before congress, which I was honestly looking forward to, but my duty to my country and my president must come first. God bless America. Thank you.”

Some on the far left have suggested that Rove went to Paraguay to escape criminal prosecution in the United States because there is no extradition treaty with that country’s government, a charge vigorously denied by a White House spokesperson.

“Everyone knows Karl loves Paraguay and its people. This was an opportunity for him to work in an environment where he can really make a difference. To suggest otherwise is to provide our terrorist enemies with fodder for their propaganda efforts.”

The aide refused to say when Mr. Rove would return to the United States.

It didn't take longa, Obama

Well, so much for Obama. His vote today in support of the FISA bill granting telecomm immunity was shameful. Broken promises and he’s not even president yet. Just like Bill Clinton, Obama played progressives like a violin in the primaries, only to take his hand off the strings to give us the finger in the run up to the general election. And the Democrats in congress have turned their backs on the people who elected them one more time.

Hell, I was plenty cynical before all of this and it only means one more chalk mark on my massive Wall of Political Disillusionment. The world won’t end because of Obama’s vote, but it is clearly one more nail in the coffin of America.

Cheney Shoots Self in Face. Face Will Not Press Charges.

Cheyenne, WY – Vice President Cheney shot himself in the face today while hunting pheasant southeast of Cheyenne. The injury is not life threatening, doctors say, but will result in facial scaring and the need to wear an eye-patch, which, according to doctors, lifted Cheney’s spirits when he heard the news.

Asking to remain anonymous, a fellow hunter in Cheney’s group described what happened.

“We had all been drinking for a day or two — can’t remember how long exactly — and someone said we should go out and kill something, which is always a favorite activity of Mr. Cheney’s. So we went to some nearby fields to flush out pheasants or dogs or whatever. Like I said, we were pretty liquored up, so it was kind of a clusterfuck.

“The accident happened really fast. I was next to Dick when a pheasant takes off in front of us. Of course I’m going to defer to the vice president when it comes to who gets to shoot first, so I look over at him and I see he’s aiming at the bird with his shotgun turned completely around. The barrel’s pointing right at his face. Before I could shout out, he pulled the trigger and…well, you know the rest.”

The office of the vice president issued a press release denying that there was any drinking of alcoholic beverages and claimed Mr. Cheney’s face inadvertently got in the way when he tried to shoot a bird.

“This was a tragic accident, but the vice president’s face was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no hard feelings between the vice president and his facial features and there will be no legal action taken.”

New White House poll Gives Bush 95% Approval Rating

Washington, D.C. – Surprising new poll numbers show George Bush has a 95% approval rating, up some seventy points from previous polls. These numbers fly in the face of numerous nationally recognized polls that have placed Mr. Bush at historically low ratings among presidents.

Asked about this astonishing leap, a White House spokesman explained the numbers this way. “This poll was taken of a cross section of American people who just happen to work in the White House. Women, men, whites….and others, the vast majority agree that President Bush is doing a bang up job.”

A question was raised about the validity of polling members of the White House staff. The spokesman dismissed the concerns as “typical liberal bias.” He assured the assembled reporters that this was a voluntary, totally random poll.

The redacted survey was circulated among reporters at the news conference. Question number seven was: “President Bush has never made a mistake while in office. Do you believe George Bush has ever made a mistake?” Question eleven: “Jesus Christ walked on water. George Bush cleared brush. This means Jesus Christ and George Bush are spiritual coequals. True or False.”

The tabulated results of the survey have been classified as top secret, but Department of Justice lawyers have certified the results as accurate and true.

Congressional Dems to Grill Rove During Golf Outing

Washington, D.C. - Backing off their insistence that former Bush advisor Karl Rove appear before congress and testify under oath, a spokesperson for Representative John Conyers said today that congressional Democrats have decided to change their tactics.

“We’ve decided that a non-confrontational approach will yield better results. Congressional leaders will interview Mr. Rove about his participation in the Valerie Plame outing at the Renditions Golf Club in Davidsonville, Maryland in three weeks. Our feeling is that we will garner better information in a relaxed atmosphere without the pressure of a subpoena or being under oath. We feel vindicated by the fact that Mr. Rove agreed immediately.”

Questioned about whether this approach was too lenient based on the gravity of the accusations, the spokesman scoffed.

“Believe me, Rove will be thoroughly questioned during our time on the links. The fact that this won’t be recorded or written down is of no consequence in the bigger scope of things. Listen, there’s a small element of radical bloggers out there who won’t be satisfied with anything less than a public lynching, but that’s not the way we work.”

According to the spokesperson, the day will end with a reception in Rove’s honor at the clubhouse.

McCain Shocker: “Pillsbury Doughboy My Son”

Memphis, TN - In a tear-filled admission during a town hall meeting in Memphis yesterday, Republican presidential candidate John McCain confessed that he was the father of the popular television icon the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“I made a mistake many years ago, and it’s time I set the record straight. PD, as I call him, is my son from an affair with a young baker, who’s name I will not divulge. I supported the two financially until PD established himself in the advertising industry, and he and I have maintained close ties over the intervening years.”

McCain’s confession was sparked by his refusal to eat a crescent roll given to him by a supporter. “He cradled the roll gently in his hands and started to sob,” said Janice Freeburg, who baked the rolls in honor of McCain’s visit. “I thought I’d done something wrong until Mr. McCain began whispering to it.”

Apparently, the memories welled up in McCain, making it impossible for him to ignore the subject any longer. “I’m not proud of my behavior, but I am very proud of my son. Despite coming from a single-parent home, and being a small white glob of dough, he overcame these obstacles to achieve success in his field.”

Asked whether this revelation will hurt McCain in his bid for the presidency, a spokesperson for the candidate responded. “Not at all. Everybody loves PD. In fact, we are scheduling some joint appearances in the near future. And no, Mr. McCain will not poke his son in the belly.”

The Obama camp offered no comment on the news, however reporters covering the Democrats campaign were treated to a biscuits and gravy breakfast courtesy of the candidate.

McCain Soils Self, Blames Obama

New York City - During an interview today with FOX News anchor Connie Jobs, McCain advisor Burt Simpleton admitted that McCain suffered from incontinence and had been embarrassed on more than one occasion while campaigning. Simpleton claimed that this wasn’t actually a health issue, but the result of a curse placed on the Republican presidential candidate by the Obama camp.

“There’s no question they are using Voodoo and other forms of sinister magic to attack Mr. McCain and weaken him. They will stoop to anything to win, so placing a curse on an opponent is simply business as usual for them.”

Jobs agreed with Simpleton’s assessment of the situation, but asked if he had any actual proof Obama was practicing the dark arts.

“Of course. We have video of a ceremony conducted in a hotel room in Tulsa that clearly shows animal sacrifice and the drinking of blood. After this, a doll resembling Mr. McCain is torn to shreds by drug-crazed staffers and this is followed by a sexual orgy that would shock Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the film, we cannot make it public.”

The curse, according to Simpleton, also affects McCain’s memory and reasoning abilities. “It has the power to make McCain sound uninformed and out of touch,” said Simpleton. “We won’t take this lying down. We are developing a counter curse as I speak.”

Laura Bush gives up tap dancing to honor troops

Washington D.C. - First Lady Laura Bush announced today that she has given up tap dancing as her way of honoring our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“I am taking my cue from the president who courageously gave up golf, a game he loves so much,” said Laura in a memo to the press. “We should all be willing to sacrifice for our brave men and women in uniform. I love tap dancing, although I haven’t actually done it in thirty years. The point is, I now officially declare that I will not strap on my taps, if I ever found them while cleaning, until every last soldier is home safe.”

Advisors to the First Lady had warned her that images of her tap dancing might send the wrong message to our troops overseas.

“It pains me deeply that soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan cannot tap dance when they want to. That is a freedom they are fighting to preserve for all of us and I salute them for it. I want the troops to know that I support them, so I will tap dance no more.”

An unnamed source close to Mrs. Bush said she will continue doing the Samba, but will cut back on interpretive jazz dancing.

Latest Bush Tell-All: Animal Sacrifice. News Media Yawns.

Washington D.C. - Following hot on the heels of former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan’s book, “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” a new memoir has surfaced written by General X, detailing startling revelations about the workings of the Bush administration.

Excerpts from the book detail bizarre secret ceremonies that included animal sacrifices, sexual orgies, and a fight club held regularly in the sub-basement of the White House. The author claims to have been in attendance at several of the quasi-religious functions. “The large room was lit by candles and incense permeated the air. A man (I believe it was Rumsfeld) wearing only a Richard Nixon mask and white shoes stood behind an altar holding a large knife. A live goat was brought in and held on the altar while the man with the knife read poems by Ezra Pound and sang selected passages from Project for the New American Century. Then the goat was slaughtered and the still beating heart passed around. The ceremony ended with attendees swearing their allegiance to Zircon, Horned Underlord of the Neocons, and then we all drank scotch.”

General X also describes late-night sexual orgies held in “theme” rooms in the White House. “The one I participated in was Mother Goose, and everyone wore costumes of nursery rhyme characters. The president was Little Bo Peep, and Rove, as I recall, was Humpty Dumpty. Actual sheep were brought in, and I leave the rest to your imagination.”

Despite the incendiary revelations by General X, the news media is largely ignoring his allegations. “This is old stuff,” said one network anchor. “We’ve heard all these charges before, and frankly, who cares?” A reporter from ABC News echoed this sentiment. “What’s the story here? Animal sacrifice? Sex orgies? Boooring.” A long-time news editor from NPR summed it up this way. “It’s a non-starter. People expect this kind of thing from Washington.”

The book will be published by Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins, and working titles leaked to the press include, “Karl Rove Gives Good Head,” “Caligula II” and “My Pet Goat Goes to Washington.”

The President’s Ultimate Sacrifice: No Golf!

Washington, D.C. - In a move that has sent shockwaves around the globe, President George Bush told the media that he has given up golfing in tribute to the brave men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The astonishing selflessness of the President’s action brought tears to the eyes of even the most jaded journalists.

“I started balling like a baby when I heard the president’s statement,” said Bill Boredim from the AP. “I’ve reported on wars, natural disasters, but this was without a doubt the most emotional moment of my career.”

This reflected the sentiments of others who heard the news. Nancy Mindlass, a veteran FOX news reporter, said she wished she could have given Bush a hug. “I can’t even find the words to express my gratitude to the Commander and Chief of this country for this amazing sacrifice, and I make my living with words.”

First Lady Laura Bush was especially moved by her husband’s courageous commitment. “He has always loved golf so much. This was truly a very, very difficult decision for him to make. I am so proud of that man.”

Grateful messages from around the world began pouring into the White House as the news spread of Bush’s announcement. Professional golfers will wear black armbands at tournaments to show their solidarity with the president, and all golf flags across the nation will fly at half-mast.

Cheney Survives ‘Near-life’ Experience

Washington, D.C. – Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for ‘acute signs of life’ associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney’s pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Fortunately, the vice president’s wife, Lynne, was in the room and recognized the symptoms immediately.

“When he began sobbing during a newscast, I knew something was wrong,” recounted Mrs. Cheney, who immediately called for an ambulance. “He said he wanted to give me a big hug and start a list of all his sins and transgressions. I tried not to panic, but I was frightened because I’d never seen Dick like that before. Believe me, it’s a side of him I hope I never see again.”

Although aides have not confirmed the report, Nurses attending Cheney after his surgery said he described himself as floating above his body, and then walking down a long tunnel toward a bright light. As he neared the end of the tunnel, he was greeted by specters that included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rachel Carson, John Lennon, and Gandhi. He’s reported to have said, “At that point I knew I was being sent to hell, so I did everything in my power to return to my physical body.”

Doctors removed the malfunctioning pacemaker and replaced it with heart-shaped clock.

High time for change

This Sunday, 10,000 people gathered on the University of Boulder campus for the annual 4/20 Pot Smoke-Out. At 4:20 p.m., thousands of participants lit pipes, bongs and joints to celebrate the magical properties of marijuana and get a righteous Rocky Mountain high. In years' past, when the crowds were smaller, the Boulder police tried various strong-arm methods to dissuade attendance, include hosing people and posting photos of smokers online. Despite the Draconian methods, the event has grown dramatically.

What was most interesting to me was what didn’t happen at this gathering of mostly college-age students. No one was arrested. No fights. No vandalism. The police did not issue a single citation.

Now, just imagine if this was the 4/20 Jack Daniels Drink-Out, and there were 10,000 people knocking down shots of bourbon.

It’s really time to rethink this country’s drug laws.