The "Self-Made Man" of the twenty-fist century

What's really depressing is to think that a portion of my taxes helped this dipshit get where he is.
(Thanks, Dan)

Tomorrow’s News Headlines Today!

“Congresswoman Bachmann Says World is Flat. Some Experts Disagree”

“Democrat’s ‘Puppies are Cute’ Bill Stalls in Republican-lead Committee”

“Romney Denies He Was Governor of Massachusetts. Blames Past Record on Evil Twin”

“Michael Phelps Steps in for Injured Javelin Thrower. Wins Gold”

“Mars Photos From Curiosity Prove Obama Not Born on Planet Earth, Claims Trump”

“Broadway Producer Says Madonna and Bieber Signed On for All-Star Remake of ‘Springtime for Hitler’”

“North Korea Leader Kim Jong-un Promises to Give New Wife Belated Wedding Gift: South Korea” 

Immortality? No thank you, Science.

Every now and then a story pops up in the news about some scientific discovery that could extend our lives. Among researchers, the hunt for physical immortality goes on. My question is “why?” Why would we want to live forever?

No matter how long you live, you still won’t pay off your credit card balance.

How many more times do you want to hear “Stairway to Heaven?”

Do you really want to be around to watch seven generations of grandchildren flunk algebra?

The desire to live forever seems particularly odd when expressed by those people who claim to be religious. In America, nearly 80% of the population identify as Christians. If you’re a Christian, it goes without saying you believe in the concept of heaven, with its streets paved with gold, eternal bliss, and 24/7 pasta buffets. So why would you want to live forever on this fragile pebble drifting through the black emptiness of space?

On the other hand, existence is a series of transitions, from egg to zygote to fetus to newborn and on and on to death. But is death the literal end of the cycle? I am a nonbeliever who considers religion and superstition synonymous, however, I also have a difficult time looking at the continuous thread of existence that science has opened our eyes to and accepting that whatever energy animates us as human beings — and how can you dispute the existence of energy if at one point we are animated and living and another point we are simply a dry pile of flesh and bone no more alive than a pile of leaves? — disappears once our bodies have worn out. Science tells us that energy cannot be created or destroyed. What happens to the energy that animates us with what we call “life”?

This brings me back to the idea of immortality. If we are in fact animated by energy, aren’t we already immortal? Organized religion is a naïve, childish and ultimately destructive way created to try and comes to grips with this idea, but the very core belief of most world religions — that the energy (soul) that compels us to move and live does not die when our physical bodies do — may actually prove to be correct.

Do what I did and stand in front of a mirror while considering physical immortality. No thank you. Science, please stop wasting your time on this and turn your attention to more serious matters, like how to make Brussels Sprouts taste like Boston cream pie.

Reflections on Italy

We’re all guilty of measuring ourselves against others and fudging the yardstick in our favor. Over the years I talked to many people of my parent’s generation about their experiences traveling abroad, and it was often apparent that the base measure used to compare themselves to others was grossly skewed. Americans of the forties and fifties left their home country with an attitude that I’m sure was shared by Romans, Egyptians, the British and others who ventured abroad during the height of their empires; a sense of innate superiority and an inclination toward condescension and even pity. Even those Americans who lived in other cultures for extended lengths of time came home with stories accentuating the glaring differences between “us” and “them.”

I didn’t want to travel to Italy with that attitude, and it was one of the reasons why, at the age of 60, I opted for a backpack as opposed to wheeled luggage. It sounds superficial, I know, but as Katharine and I walked the streets of Rome and Florence and Lucca, the backpack gave us a sense of being true travelers as opposed to clattering, myopic visitors. The distinction is important. We were there to mingle, smell, taste, touch, and absorb Italy. We got lost often on our walks around these cities, and while we were always concerned with getting to our destination, it didn’t keep us from sitting on benches to inhale our surroundings or stopping for a gelato or glass of wine.

The museums, the art, the history; it was all wonderful and rewarding. I came away from it with a clearer vision of the thread that connects us today to more than two thousand years of Western history — our attitudes toward beauty; the folly of war; the repeated political mistakes; and the evolution of art, science and philosophy. My most memorable moments, however, were those spent at café tables on piazzas as the sun was setting, bruschetta and a glass of wine in front of me, Katharine sitting across from me, women in house dresses leaning on the sills of the open windows looking out on the square, people conversing in Italian or German or French at tables near us, the well-dressed Arab man toking on a hookah, motor scooters zipping by, the smells of oregano, cigarette smoke and sweat, and the ancient cobble stones beneath our feet.

Being half Italian, I went to Italy with some sense of wanting to connect with my roots. I’m not sure that I really accomplished that on a personal level. The reality is that Italy, and specifically Rome, is a part of every Westerner’s past, whether you’re German, Irish or Albanian. Italy belongs to everyone. Katharine and I walked (and walked and walked) through the same streets and alleyways that were trod by Augustus, Nero, Michelangelo, Da Vinci and Dante. Our hotel in Florence was situated in a building that was over 500 years old. We stood where gladiators fought and died, where heretics were burned alive, where great works of art were created, where plague victims died by the thousands, where fundamental issues of law, freedom, and justice were debated. It was an amazing experience that reached back and forth through time.

Odd as it sounds, for me, going to Italy didn’t seem like traveling to a foreign country. I felt at home there. Comfortable, like visiting some place from my past, even thought I’d never been there before. I truly hope Katharine and I can go back one day.

Ciao

On Monday, July 9, Katharine and I will be off to Italy for two weeks. This will be a huge adventure as we explore Rome and Tuscany on our own (no tour groups for us). I’ll take many photos and post them here when I get back.

Arrivederci

Why Johnny can’t think

The cat is finally out of the bag. If any of you were under the illusion that Republicans and Democrats simply had differing views on education policy in America, Texas Republicans have finally explained out loud the party’s real motives in attacking public education in this country: It inspires children to think.

What? Wait a second, you say. Isn’t that the whole point of an education, to help people learn to think? Not according to the Texas Republican delegates who met in Fort Worth recently to approve their 2012 platform. Amid a slew of Draconian proposals aimed at education reform, including instituting corporal punishment, Texas conservatives added a statement opposing the teaching of “higher order thinking skills,” because they might challenge, “student’s fixed beliefs” and undermine “parental authority.”

So, Texas Republicans don’t want children to actually think. For anyone who has paid attention over the years, it’s been clear that this was the ultimate endgame of the conservative approach to education all along, it was just never stated so plainly and obviously. Conservatives want children to be indoctrinated, not educated. Critical thinking skills are a threat to blind obedience; hence, they need to be discarded.

Even the age-old canard that public education indoctrinates children with liberal ideas is thrown under the bus by this group. They don’t want young people to have an opportunity to “choose” conservative values over liberal values; they don’t want them to have any choice at all. This is, of course, telling as to how they perceive the strength of their arguments in the marketplace of ideas.

There have been plenty of jokes made over the years comparing America’s Christian Right to the Taliban, but I’ve stopped laughing. Every time they feel emboldened to say what they actually believe as opposed to what they think is politically acceptable, I hear a brand of extremism that is determined to turn a first-world superpower into a third-world theocracy.

One of the enduring quotes from the Vietnam War is, “We had to destroy the village in order to save it.” This seems to be the driving philosophy of the Religious Right in America in the twenty-first century. The biggest threat to this country doesn’t come from Afghanistan or China or Cuba, but from the daises and pews of conservative Christian churches across the United States.

Fishing With Cats

Here’s a quick tip for any single man out there who still clings to the romantic notion that you’ll bump into your life’s love while squeezing cantaloupes at the supermarket or riding the express bus to work in the morning. Consider this advice supplemental to your online dating service and hanging out in front of Victoria’s Secret at the mall on weekends.

Every guy has tried or thought about trying “Puppy Fishing.” You acquire (buy, borrow or pick up one loitering around a local trash bin) a puppy, leash it, and troll (not “lurk,” but troll) nearby parks or jogging trails. This technique has merit and has proven successful for some, but I propose a slight variation. Cats.

After visiting a state park recently on vacation, I came across a guy with a large grey and white cat on a leash. He had drawn a significant crowd. This was a place where dogs were allowed and there were plenty of people parading around their labs and collies, but the cat guy was clearly the center of attention.

Start by being honest with yourself. Are you a cat or dog person? If you’re a dog person, that’s one thing. But if you’re a cat person and you troll with a dog, you are going to attract the wrong species — a dog lover. So don’t be shy about exploiting your cat. It lies around all day sleeping and licking its ass, so why not put the little ingrate to good use? It could probably use the exercise.

Some might be nervous about the “manliness” factor involved in strolling around public places with a cat in tow, but I think it is negated by the uniqueness of the event. It demonstrates that you’re not afraid to show your feline side, and that can be an attractive thing to some women.

Be warned however, that this approach does not translate to other pets. Walking your weasel, ferret, tarantula or rat for the purpose of attracting the opposite sex is not recommended. The danger is that you might actually catch something. If this should happen, throw it back immediately. 

Nailed it, Google

Found this in my Google search, "photos confused people."

Fact or Fiction? It’s Hard to Tell These Days.

America is in decline. Many people, both left and right, would agree with this. When you ask what the reasons are for the decline, however, responses will be all over the board, from gay marriage to the Federal Reserve to The New World Order. So how do we come to any kind of consensus on the problem when there are as many answers as there are blogs on the Internet?

Back in the old days, or maybe it was just a dream I had, we used to rely on facts to lead us to solutions. We sifted through the known data and then made decisions based on what the information was telling us. That approach is not how we deal with things in 2012. Today, ideology, superstition and corporatism have replaced debate and consensus. Simple facts are now disputed. Genuine solutions are attacked as ideological assaults. Common sense is questioned if it does not fall into line with the religious doctrine popular at the moment. A fog of obfuscation hangs over this country.

Perhaps there is no such thing as a totally objective fact, but in order for this country to avoid total paralysis and make policy decisions and move forward, we have to select, and agree on, some set of data in order to even say, “Here’s a problem that needs to be addressed.” Then comes the even more difficult task of coming up with a solution. So is there objective data out there that points to a serious problem that exists in this country; data that isn’t from a political think tank or corporate PR agency? In my opinion (and yes, I admit I am a biased observer) there is, and it reveals a crucial problem that needs to be addressed: Income disparity and the destruction of America’s middle class.

Of course, here’s the real problem. The data may conflict with your ideology. So the million-dollar question is this: Is there a problem with the facts or does your ideology need adjusting to accommodate the facts? At least ask yourself that question.

Here are the facts. Decide for yourself.

O Democrats, where art thou?

I’ve been arguing for decades that one of the primary problems with Democrats is that they continuously allow Republicans to define the terms of debate on too many issues. When you look at how we discuss issues related to the economy, national security, the drug war, capitalism, religion, you name it, Democrats take their cues from Republicans, defining their views in relationship to conservative ideology, rather than the broader aspects of the argument in relationship to what’s actually right for America.

I came across a perfect example of this on the website of Jim Graves, a democrat who is challenging Michelle Bachmann for Minnesota’s sixth district Congressional seat.

In the section, “Why I am running to represent the 6^th District,” Graves begins with the obligatory pap about being “a successful businessman with the know-how to create jobs.” Okay. Jobs and the economy are important issues. Then we work our way down to the second paragraph on why Graves wants to replace Bachmann in Congress. He wants Bachmann’s job because she is part of the “inflexible extreme,” a bland euphemism for lunatic fringe, and that her comments have made her “a national media phenomena,” again, a weak, wishy-washy way of saying she’s made Minnesota a laughing stock in political circles.

As we read on, we go from flaccid political euphemisms into the fantasy world of bipartisanship. Graves writes, “What the people of the District need in Washington is someone who can get along with members of both parties so that the District is truly represented.” Right. I can only assume that Graves has been living in a cave on the banks of the St. Croix River for the past four years without access to electronic devices of any kind. As President Obama has learned through painful experience, there is no such thing as bipartisanship in Washington, D.C. in 2012. Republicans won’t have it. They’d rather have their faces eaten off by bath-salt crazed zombies than spend five minutes at a table negotiating with Democrats. Graves goes on to say, “It is time we come together and mount a unified response to our economic crisis.” There are only two ways to analyze this sentence. 1) Graves is spewing hackneyed campaign jargon because that’s what he thinks his constituents want to hear, or 2) he is going to vote with Republicans. Hell will freeze over, thaw out, and freeze over again before there is a “unified response to our economic crisis.”

And now we are into the fourth paragraph, and here is were the thirty years of hard work on the part of Republican message-crafters Lee Atwater, Frank Luntz, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Grover Norquist, Roger Ailes, Karl Rove and others, really starts paying off. Let’s look at some of the lowlights:

“Government has a role to play in society, but it should be limited to what citizens cannot do for themselves.”  This sentence acknowledges and agrees with a fundamental cornerstone of conservative ideology: The only good government is a small, unobtrusive government. Never mind Roosevelt’s New Deal, Brown v. Board of Education, the Civil War, women’s suffrage, environmental protections, etc. Never mind the great government-sponsored scientific and technological breakthroughs of the fifties and sixties. Never mind that almost every citizen in this country benefits in one way or another from government subsidies. As Reagan said, “Government isn’t the solution. It’s the problem,” and that’s good enough for Republicans and weak, opportunistic Democrats.

“I believe that the free market makes better decisions than politicians.” Here is another line that could be lifted directly from Karl Rove’s Playbook. First and foremost, free markets are not, nor have they ever been, truly free. Secondly, the implication here is that government needs to stand out of the way and let the markets do their thing. Well, we’ve already seen how well that works. Remember 2008? Rules and regulations on business practices are necessary and can often mark the line between life and death, when you consider the importance of work place safety and food inspections. The only constraint the free market has is the bottom line. It’s government that bears the responsibility of looking after the health and safety of the American people, and Republicans don’t even like that role.

“I also believe government must balance its budget and my solution is to end the blame game and start working together.” Again with the bipartisanship. But the eye-roll inducing line here is “government must balance its budget.” First of all, in 1999, George Bush inherited a balanced budget and started charging on the U.S. credit card immediately, running up a deficit of a half-trillion dollars by the time he left office in 2009. This is one of the Republican’s favorite “Do as I say not as I do” tropes. For years, Republicans have argued that we should run the country like a successful business. Unfortunately, that is comparing apples to oranges. The government is not in the business of running a profit. It is in the business of running a country, where the needs of the people should trump the bottom line. A balanced budget is a good thing, but it is not paramount over the well being of this country’s citizens. Just look at what is happening to Europe as it sinks deeper into economic stagnation as its leaders doggedly continue pushing fiscal austerity in the name of balanced budgets.

There’s more in Graves’ writing to prove my point. The reality is crystal clear. Democrats have to grow a pair. They have to start standing up and stating what they do believe in as Democrats. They have to reestablish the parameters of the debate and put Republicans back on the defensive where they belong. Poll after national poll indicates that the American people are far more tolerant and progressive than we are lead to believe by the media. It just takes some courage to tap into that vein of voters. The process should begin with the new crop of Democrats running for office, but, if Jim Graves is an example, we may have to wait until next season. 

Sigh...

The most discouraging aspect of Scott Walker’s victory in the Wisconsin recall election is the message it sends to other conservative candidates that the voting public is truly as clueless and gullible as they had hoped, and that with huge amounts of money, you can count on swaying enough people to vote against their best interests.

Look at those eyes. Are those the eyes of a sane man? 

Beware Your Garden Ornaments

GNOMBIES!

The mystery of the close campaign

Two men are running for president, but only one of the candidates

• Is an unrepentant member of the 1%
• Remains clueless about how the rest of us are affected by the current economic situation
• Wants tax breaks for wealthiest Americans, higher taxes for the rest of us
• Advocates totally unrealistic and unworkable policies related to fixing the economy. Most economists agree his policies will inevitably make things worse
• Has no true political convictions. Long record of saying anything to get elected
• Attacks Obama for policies he once supported
• Allows religious beliefs to take precedent over logic, analysis and science
• Has vowed he will take us back to failed Bush-era policies
• Opposes any rationale discussion related to the failed war on drugs
• Wants to provide more money to an already bloated Defense budget while cutting essential safety net programs
• Doesn’t mind a man having more than one wife, but opposes gay marriage
• Claims to want government out of people’s lives yet promotes policies that allow government to control women’s medical choices
• Won’t openly reject Donald Trump’s insane birther rants
• Is a member of a religious group that believes Jesus came to America and that a woman can’t get into heaven unless the spirit of her husband calls her name. Oh, and there’s the polygamy thing, too

Yet this presidential campaign remains close, according to the media. Why?

Name That Band

This band played at a high school prom in 1971. Who is it? (Dan H., you are disqualified.)

Okay. Maybe it's just too obvious it's ZZTop. It's just a shame that no one gets to collect the $1 million prize money. Better luck next time.

It's never too early

I ran across the perfect Christmas gift for all of my nieces and nephews. It's fun, realistic and educational. What more could you ask for?

Swiss Miss?

Mmmm. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, my state’s most photogenic lunatic, and her family are now Swiss citizens, holding dual citizenship with the U.S.A. This means she can run for political office in Switzerland if she so desires. Her husband is of Swiss descent, and her explanation for seeking citizenship in the tiny European country is that “…some of our children wanted to exercise their eligibility for dual-citizenship so we went through the process as a family."

That’s where the “Mmmm” comes in. Why would this fervent supporter of American exceptionalism, this cheerleader for America no matter what it does, this evangelical Christian who believes the U.S. has been chosen by God to lead the world, want to be a citizen of another country?

Well, here’s something interesting to chew on. Switzerland is listed as one of the top ten “hideout” countries in the world by “Ask Men” magazine, even though it does have an extradition treaty with the U.S. Despite the fact he confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year old girl, Switzerland refused to extradite film director Roman Polanski to the United States in 2010.

Mmmm. Maybe husband Marcus just feels more at home yodeling in a pair of lederhosen?

Mitt Goes Native

In his ongoing attempts to overcome the “elitist” label, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent time at a neighborhood café in a Derry, New Hampshire mingling with the decidedly blue-collar patrons. A portion of his conversations were recorded.

ROMNEY

(Shaking hands with a middle-aged man)

Hello there. Mitt Romney. How are you doing?

MAN

I’ll be better after I wash my hand.

ROMNEY

You know, that’s interesting. My wife is a great believer in personal hygiene. She’s vacationing in the south of France right now, but we spoke about this very subject on the phone last night. Hygiene. And what about the problems America faces today? Don’t you think we need better leadership in Washington?

MAN

What I need is a way to make my social security check stretch to the end of the month. And a car that’ll start in the winter.

ROMNEY

Exactly. There’s Obama’s legacy right there. I have a car or two that has trouble starting in cold weather. I feel your pain. We need to dig for more oil right now and stop apologizing for America. What’s that you’re having there?

MAN

It’s called a cheeseburger and fries.

ROMNEY

Exotic local cuisine. Interesting.

(Turns to a woman in the next booth)

Hi there. Mitt Romney. Do you own your own home?

WOMAN

Yeah, but it’s not easy making the mortgage payments.

ROMNEY

How do you do it?

WOMAN
Well, I scrimp on things…skip a meal now and then.

ROMNEY
No, I mean survive with only one house? It must be devastating. I’m going to fix that as President. It’s time for a new beginning in Washington.

MAN

(Calling out from another booth)

My daughter can’t afford to go to college. What are you going to do about that?

ROMNEY

Ah, good question. I have a three-point plan designed expressly to address the issue of high college costs. First, ask your parents for money. Hey, it worked for me. Second, look for a less expensive college. Can’t afford Harvard? There’s probably a community college right down the street. Third, forget college. It’s nothing but an assembly line for turning out communists and Marxists anyway. Read the bible.

MAN

How’s a person supposed to get a good job by reading the bible?

ROMNEY

Thank you all for your time. I feel we’ve really connected here today, and I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. And—

MAN

How much does your watch cost?

ROMNEY

This old thing? Around ten grand, I suppose. I know. You’re asking yourself why a guy like me would wear such a piece of junk? It’s a funny story. I was skiing in St. Tropez a few years ago…

(Several members of Romney’s campaign staff guide Romney quickly out of the café and into his waiting limo)

You're a biker?

Bad News

From CBSlocal.com:

5 Arrested In Fights After Concert At Mpls. Club

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) – Five people were arrested early Monday morning at a downtown Minneapolis nightclub following an 18+ concert performance.

According to police, the arrests happened after a series of fights that broke out at Epic nightclub at about 2 a.m.

Nineteen squad cars responded to the scene and five were arrested. They are awaiting possible misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, fleeing on foot and obstructing officers.

Questions: How do you handcuff a squad car anyway? And why didn’t they flee using their wheels?

Tests are hard

Ah, the South...

From my old friend Dan.

Some VP advice for Romney

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is now in the process of selecting his VP running mate. Surprisingly, I haven’t yet gotten the call from his campaign team regarding my recommendations, but I am expecting it very soon. In the meantime, here are my leading candidates for the Mittster’s second-in-command with the pros and cons of each one. You’re welcome, Romney camp.



Homer Simpson
Pros: Will make Romney look smart. Solid family man. Supporter of nuclear energy. High name recognition.
Cons: Cartoon character.

Ted Nugent
 Pros: Solid conservative credentials. Counterbalance Romney’s “elitist” image. High name recognition.
 Cons: He’s crazy.

 Pippa Middleton
 Pros: She’s hot.
 Cons: She’s British

Stephan Colbert
Pros: Articulate. Speaks our language. Good sense of humor. Smart (people think he’s a liberal playing the part of a conservative, that’s how good he is). Clean.
Cons: Might actually say “yes.”

Zeddie “Watkins” Little
Pros: He’s ridiculously photogenic.
Cons: None.

Ann Coulter
 Pros: High-profile conservative. Articulate. Photogenic. Good name recognition.
Cons: She could be a man.

Snoop Dogg
Pros: African American. Well-known rapper and actor. Will keep staff supplied with blunts.
Cons: All of the above.

Steve Jobs
Pros: Brilliant mind. Successful industry leader. Visionary.
Cons: He’s dead.

Bat Shit Crazy

(To the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever")

Well I don't know why
You don’t understand
The President is Satan’s child
And if he’s reelected
I know what I’ll do
The hate is driving me wild

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

God, guts and guns
Made this country great
I don’t care what you say
I’ll shout you down
And stomp on your face
All you commies will pay

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

I love to kill things
With my big ol’ gun
But Obama wants to take it away
It makes a grown man cryin' cryin'
All I see is red

They call me a hater
But I don’t care
It gets my name in the news
If you disagree
There’s only one thing to do
Watch me light the fuse

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

Obama: I’m high on hypocrisy

WASHINGTON — President Obama made a rare admission today during a briefing with reporters. The President said that being a hypocrite gave him a high that made cocaine seem as potent as “Cheeto dust.” Certain to raise the hackles of his supporters was this statement from Obama; “When I said in the 2008 campaign that I wasn’t going to go after medical marijuana, and then I turned around and did as President, I was baked like a motherfucker for weeks.”

When a reporter asked the President if he was high at the moment, Obama said, “No,” and then broke into hysterical laughter that lasted several minutes. After bringing himself under control, he told the assembled reporters how much respect he had for them, and once again burst into a violent laughing fit that forced the briefing to be cancelled.

Later in the day the President’s staff issued a statement saying the president had accidentally taken more than the prescribed dosage of cold medication before the meeting, ending with the familiar internet term, LOL.

Between Barack and a Hard Place

Unfortunately, history repeats itself all too often. We humans rarely seem to have the wisdom or wherewithal to avoid repeating our past blunders even within generations. Consider the bloodshed and destruction that continues in Vietnamistan, as we remain bogged down by an insurgency that, like cockroaches, will never be eradicated by force. We’ve seen this before.

On the political front, we progressives sit looking at an election some seven months away thinking we’ve been transported back to 1997. During the run up to his first term, Bill Clinton talked the talk and progressives and liberals, seeing an opportunity to oust the bumbling senior Bush, voted for the man from Arkansas with a muted sense of hope and optimism. Four years later, we knew we’d been snookered by a centrist, political animal who easily slid back and forth along the political spectrum to enact policies that were in line with the thinking of the centrist/conservative Democratic Leadership Group, which he helped found. So we had a dilemma. No progressive was going to vote for Robert Dole, but there was little enthusiasm for a second Clinton term.

Which brings us to 2012. Just over three years ago, Barack Obama campaigned for the U.S. presidency and electrified many liberals and progressives with his promise to change the way things were done in Washington. It was a powerful message after eight years of inept and irresponsible policies promoted by Bush the Younger — two unnecessary wars, a declining economy due to tax cuts for the wealthy, the loss of respect internationally, etc. Obama pledged to reverse much of what Bush had enacted, which we believed included the horrendous Patriot Act and other abusive and unconstitutional policies related to homeland security. So we voted for Obama, and surprise, surprise, the change we had been promised never arrived.

Obama has proven to be every bit as centrist and politically malleable as Clinton, and has been in some cases, worse. It started right after his inauguration when he began appointing his cabinet, which he filled with Washington and Wall Street insiders who have shown they have little interest in real change. From there it’s been downhill. Many of Bush’s most repressive and unconstitutional homeland security policies remain intact. Almost four years later we are still fighting in Afghanistan and continue to have forces in Iraq. Information has leaked out that during the recent budget negotiations in 2011, Obama was willing to give away practically everything to Boehner, essentially handing the Republicans a victory on a silver platter. Fortunately they were too stupid to make the deal and still held out for more.

Now there’s this. Despite Obama’s rhetoric on taxing the rich, a new study shows that income inequality is actually worse under our current president than it was under Bush. This is the result of fiscal policies that are the exact opposite of “change,” but even more of the status quo.

So here we are in the midst of an election year sitting right where we were in 1997. Of course, Obama’s people know that we will not vote for Romney. We are once again faced with having to vote for a Democrat who is more Republican-lite than liberal, who is willing to negotiate away Democratic priorities in some delusional bid for bipartisanship. Our so-called two-party system is a joke, and the recent Supreme Court ruling that gives corporations the same rights as individuals has only made a bad situation worse.

There is only one party in America and its name is control, not change.

Think you're having a bad day?

Why Cut Off the Hand That Feeds You?

I have a question that I am simply throwing out into the ethos, basically because I don’t have any friends who are economists and capable of answering it.

Over the past 30 years, economic policy in this country has served to decimate the middle class. Trickle down economics, free trade, tax cuts for the wealthy, Wall Street shenanigans, allowing jobs to be sent overseas, etc., all have served to financially cripple that once large swath of people in the middle income range.

Say I own a company that manufactures appliances or automobiles or homes. My question is this: Why would I support economic policies that financially weaken the large group of people who I depend on to buy my products? As more and more people are forced downward on the economic scale and into low paying service jobs or unemployment, there are going to be fewer and fewer people able to buy my cars or homes or dishwashers. Destroying the middle class seems like economic suicide to me, yet the elite in this country, many of whom run Fortune 500 companies, continue to contribute to candidates who support these poisonous policies.

I’m left scratching my head.

Our Future?

There’s no doubt that Republicans do a much better job of pushing voter hot buttons than Democrats. Now that we are in campaign mode, we hear the conservative mantra over and over again in their speeches and ads: No new taxes. Get the government off my back. Government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem. The interesting thing is that there aren’t any three or four or five word rebuttals to these statements. It requires analysis and thoughtful discussion to address these issues, but who has time for that? Certainly not the voting public. But as clever, emotional and effective as these phrases are, do conservatives ever lay awake at night and think about what our country would be like if they had all their wishes granted? It’s hard to believe they do, but if they would like a bit of help visualizing our country based on the actual realization of their campaign rhetoric, here’s a snapshot of America in the conservative era. Some might argue that much of what’s here is already fact, but believe me, it could be much worse if nothing is done to stop it. Pleasant dreams.

Small federal government:

A weak and toothless fed exists solely to serve the interests of the military/industrial complex. Continuous war becomes the only sustainable function of the federal government. Elections become so corrupted by money that participation dwindles and the process is eventually abandoned. The “unitary executive” philosophy is carried to its logical conclusion and we are eventually ruled by a “strong man.” Congressional seats are openly bought and sold. States become nearly autonomous countries with widely varied and contradictory laws and policies, and each has its own paramilitary force. The U.N. is kicked out of America and many past international treaties are annulled. The U.S. is considered a Rogue State by much of the rest of the world.

Low or no taxes:

Roads and bridges go unrepaired and become impassable. With no Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security, the elderly and disabled are essentially abandoned and left to beg or panhandle for food. The price of everything skyrockets. Healthcare is only available to the wealthy. There are no firefighters or emergency responders and communities must rely on volunteers when tragedy strikes. The wealthy live in enclaves and have private security forces. With no regulations or standards, the contents of the foods we eat becomes ever more questionable and millions of deaths a year are attributed to contaminated food sources. Unregulated businesses pump tons of toxic chemicals into the air and water, which also leads to the deaths of millions. Single-family homes are unaffordable for most families.

Privatize everything:

No public education. Private schools compete for students as colleges do now. Poor, minority, physically and emotionally challenged students fall through the gaping cracks and are lucky if they receive any education at all. With no national standards, schools are able to teach whatever nonsense they want. Unemployment due to an unskilled workforce soars. Teaching becomes religious indoctrination. There are no labor laws or regulations on businesses, so workers can be paid slave wages and forced to work in unsafe conditions. Children must work to help families survive. An underground and illegal economy evolves based on bartering and bribery. Gangs control the distribution of necessities such as gas, medicine, food, etc. Other countries set up sweatshops in America to manufacture products.

A Christian Nation:

Christianity is officially declared the national religion. Other religions are deemed false and followers are shunned or ostracized. Christians receive preferential treatment at every level of society. Laws are passed based on conservative Christian interpretations of the bible. Abortion is illegal under any circumstances and homosexual activity is a felony. Political descent is forbidden and the media is essentially a government mouthpiece. There is no government funding for the arts, and forms of artistic expression are strictly monitored and censored by the state. Gun laws are abolished and gun related fatalities soar.

Crime and Punishment:

The one industry in the country that thrives is private prisons. The law and order mentality of the Christian government means that millions of additional Americans are arrested and locked up each year. Crimes Against Christianity becomes a new category of laws under which many are jailed. Torture is commonplace as are public executions. Reeducation camps are created for artists and intellectuals who dissent from the thought parameters set up by the state. Police are given near limitless powers to arrest or detain citizens at will, and trials are a mere formality.

Blame Obama? Try again.

In 2001, the CBO projected a cumulative surplus of $6 trillion. This graph shows how that surplus was turned into a $6 trillion deficit.

Inappropriate Thoughts

You know what I wonder about? I wonder about the kids who don’t cry when they sit on Santa’slap at the mall. Here they are straddling the leg of a total stranger with whisky breath touching them in their “no-no” places whose laugh is as phony as his beard. What could be more terrifying than that? The one thing these kids must be thinking is, “I’d better get what I want Christmas morning or someone’s going to die in their sleep. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mommy.”

And if the Christmas season is supposed to be about Christ, why don’t they have Christ at the mall? Santa’s basically a delivery guy. What could be more appropriate than having your picture taken sitting on Jesus’s knee? And when kids come up, he can ask them, “So, what are getting me for my birthday?”

And don’t get me started on the Easter Bunny.

Precious

Sorry, we're closed

Priorities

Gotta have heart

The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.

I can't always explain myself

The Beach is Back

Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke translated

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity [I have railed against reality with comments that in most other first-world countries would get me involuntarily committed], three hours a day, five days a week [you think it’s easy being batshit crazy every day? It's exhausting.]. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation [next time I will use the synonym finder]. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke [even though it sounded exactly like one].

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times [there’s a Marxist Kenyon sitting in the White House, people], we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress [who would do that 24-hours a day if we let them]. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities [unless I can watch]. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability [for women]? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow [if I’m too fat and ugly to get a piece without paying for it, nobody gets a piece]? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue [temper tantrum], I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone's bedroom [unless it involves any activity other than sleeping] nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level [what do Kenyan’s know about contraception anyway?].

My choice of words was not the best [floozy or harlot might have worked better], and in the attempt to be humorous [I also think putting kitties in the microwave is a hoot], I created a national stir [rational people got upset]. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke [the slut] for the insulting word choices [ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hah!].

The one form of birth control Rick Santorum might approve of.

It can be confusing

Satan to Endorse Candidate

In a video sent to the media yesterday from his office in the Underworld, Satan let it be known that he would be endorsing one of the Republican contenders for the presidency within the next few days. Although Old Nick did not make the pronouncement in his release, he did provide some not-so-subtle clues as to his thinking.

“I like Rick Santorum, and there’s nothing in the Constitution that says American’s can’t elect someone who is batshit crazy. I checked. But of late he’s been taking some swings at me that are, well let’s be honest, mean. Usually I have a pretty thick hide, but even Beelzebub has feelings. I mean, I’ve only met the guy a few times and he’s saying these horrible things about me. Now that’s going negative.”

There wasn’t much positive in his comments related to Mitt Romney, either.

“The one admirable quality that I find in Mitt Romney is his lack of conviction. The guy will say anything to be president. How cool is that? But the poor man is also devoid of a personality. I swear, even I have a hard time telling whether he’s human or not. I’ve seen corpses with more life than this guy. But seriously, the man’s not presidential material. A Mormon in the White House? Come on.”

When it came to discussing Newt Gingrich, the Devil’s tone changed remarkably.

“Newt and I go way back. Oh yeah. We had some crazy good fun back in the day. I remember this one time…oh, I can’t go into that here. But Newt’s a great guy. A two-faced lying, cheating, bombastic little ogre of a man, Newt’s got what it takes to pick up the baton from George Bush and effectively run this country into the ground. I think he has the ideas and intellect to do it.”

Lucifer also hinted that he would be starting a Super PAC to support his chosen candidate. “I want to call it the “Hell’s Bills” Super Pak. Get it? Hell’s Bills instead of Bells. I’d laugh at Satan’s jokes if I were you. Just kidding. Why so serious? I loved that movie. Loved it. Come on, let me fix you a drink.”

Baby Godfather

The Mitt Memo

As the Republican primaries continue, so does the ongoing battle between Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney over who is more conservative. In the midst of this heated contest, a possibly damaging memo from Romney’s inner circle has been leaked to the press. The document, believed to have been written by campaign co-chair Albert Margrove, appears to be a series of suggestions for bolstering Mr. Romney’s conservative credentials among Tea Party members.

February 16

Boss,

After yesterday’s cluster fuck, I sat down last night and thought about how can we turn this thing around and quickly. Let’s get down and dirty. Pull out all the stops. This weekend, we issue a press release—actually a manifesto—that redefines you as the REAL conservative in this race. No more Mr. Nice guy. I’ve got to think more about the details, but here are the main points we’d make in the release.

• Women will no longer be burdened by the complexity of full citizenship. They will not need to vote anymore and not be made to endure the difficulty of juggling work and family as they will be barred from obtaining jobs in many fields.
• We will rebuild pride in our country by requiring all citizens to wear flag pins and display a “Support our Troops” magnet on their vehicles.
• We will save the unborn by making pregnancy out of wedlock a federal crime and abortion a capital offense.
• We will reward hard work by eliminating all taxes on incomes over $1 million.
• We will stimulate the economy with large-scale, contracted building programs, i.e.:
o Wall topped by electric fence along the full length of the Mexican and Canadian border
o Drill for oil everywhere
o Physically separate San Francisco from the mainland
o Move the White House and Capital Building from DC to the U.S. Virgin Islands
o Build more nukes
o Add Reagan to Mt. Rushmore
o Invade somewhere
• Foreign affairs: Cut diplomatic ties to France, ship the Palestinians to Uzbekistan, put military bases anywhere we fucking please.
• We’ll enhance competitiveness by rolling back the minimum wage to 50 cents/hr
• Public safety: Instead of a chicken in every pot, we’ll put a gun in every house.
• To instill basic American values, church attendance will be mandatory and non-Christians, people of color and liberals will be given incentives to move to Canada.

Okay, these are just some ideas off the top of my head. When we’re done, we’ll make Rick Santorum look like Michael Moore. Let me know your thoughts.

Back in the saddle

So, I stepped out for a cup of coffee three years ago and….

Did you miss me?

Helloooooooooooo?

Anyway, they finally released me…oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to talk about that…but I will be posting again after my long absence. Let’s ease back into things with a couple of memes.

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Officers jump ship as the U.S.S Coleman continues to sink

LAKE MINNETONKA, MN – Although the captain and crew of the scow U.S.S Coleman have been bailing water for months, it now appears that even the ship’s highest-ranking officers realize their efforts are for naught. The ships fate at the hands of the icy blue waters of Lake Minnetonka is now almost assured.

Chief Communications Officer LeRoy Coleman (no relationship to the captain) rowed one of the remaining lifeboats ashore to join the Republican National Committee as director of media affairs. Only two weeks before, First Mate Cullen Sheehan abandoned her post on the Coleman to sign on as a RNC regional director.

The captain himself, never flagging in his belief that the ship could be made seaworthy again, has been seen sneaking ashore in the evenings to moonlight as a consultant with the Republican Jewish Coalition.

Over a pint of ale at the Cock and Crow, a former crewman on the Coleman confessed that the whole rescue attempt was a lost cause from the beginning.

“Ah Sir, we all knew there was very little hope in saving the old gal, sad as that be, and as time went on, it were clear the damage was too great to keep her afloat. But the Cap’n wouldn’t let go, and he was gettin’ orders from the shipping company bigwigs out East to try and save the old heap at all costs. There was no talkin’ sense to the man, I tell ya, and he’d walk the deck clicking those metal balls in his hand all night until you thought you was goin’ mad. Mad I sez.”

Some predict the U.S.S. Coleman will completely submerge and sink to its watery grave as early as this week.

The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's “Save My Ass” tour

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, “Save My Ass.” Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and newsrooms across America.

The publicist for the tour promises Dick will deliver many of his most famous routines plus new material that will leave audiences in a state of unyielding laughter.

“One of the new routines that people haven’t heard before relates to the bankruptcy of GM,” notes the press release. “Dick admits the Bush administration deliberately decided to pass the buck on GM and let President Obama deal with the problem. It’s timely, and too, too funny.”

The publicist also reveals another new bit called, “Blame the Other Dick.” With his patented sneer, Dick puts the blame for 9/11 squarely on the shoulders of Dick Clarke, the head of counterterrorism programs under Clinton and Bush. The set up begins with the former VP saying, “Clarke missed it when it came to foreseeing 9/11.” Then Dick brings down the house by reciting the titles of e-mails Clarke sent to Bush and company prior to 9/11.

“Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack” (May 3)
“Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot” (May 23)
“Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing” (May 26)
“Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent” (June 23)
“Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks” (June 30)
“Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays” (July 2)

The punch line? “The only thing Clarke didn’t do was bring Bin Laden to the Oval Office to discuss the time and date of the event.” Badda bing.

The finale is said to be a comedic coup de grace. After nearly eight years trying to convince the world there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda despite the evidence, Dick turns the tables on everyone and says, “On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that.” There’s nothing this man won’t say or do to get a laugh.

It’s no wonder Dick has earned the moniker, “The hardest working war criminal in show business.”

Thanks, Tim, for brightening up everyone’s day

Your local weather report:

Skies over Minnesota brightened today after Tim Pawlenty announced he would not run for a third term as governor. The persistent weather pattern since 2003 of gusty hot air, oppressive ideology, and an intellectual drought will lift next year as the governor vacates his Summit Avenue residence.

Periods of cautious hope will appear in the skies above us, followed by the blustery winds of the campaign season.

The long-range forecast is difficult but early indications are that Minnesotans are looking for the winds of change to sweep across the state bringing with them new, more forward-looking ideas.

There are, however, a few models predicting severe, damaging weather if Hurricane Bachmann or to a slightly lesser degree, Tornado Norm, gather force. The havoc they can wreak has already been felt by Minnesotans who find their state regressing into a period of darkness as a result of stale atmospheric conditions.

In Minnesota, we take our weather one day at a time, and today prospects brightened that there will be a sunnier future for our blue state.

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More

Obviously this headline is satirical. Right? Truth is, it’s from a recebt New York Times article. The headline leads into an article that examines the Boy Scout-affiliated Explorer Program, which is “…training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.”

Boy Scouts fighting terrorists. Who ever thought we’d come to this? Well, I did. About three years ago I wrote a bit of satire for my blog That’s Going to Far! which ridiculed this disquieting possibility. Now it has come to pass.

The great Washington Post columnist Art Buchwald once said, “You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.”

Northern exposure: Bush to call up the Scouts

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.

“It is true that our most immediate national security need is to secure our southern border. However, we cannot ignore the risks posed by a three thousand mile-long, largely unsecured border to our north. While our attention is diverted to the southern states, thousands of Al-Qaeda terrorists could be quietly slipping into America disguised in moose or squirrel costumes, forming sleeper cells in unsuspecting towns like International Falls or Fargo. The threat is real, and must be met.”

Today, I am calling up our brave young Americans in Boy Scout, Girl Scout and Cub Scout troops all along the northern tier of states, from Washington to Maine. Scout units will be stationed along the Canadian border at designated intervals for four-week rotations. The Scouts will be issued BB guns, slingshots and Swiss Army Knives with which they will secure our borders and allow Americans to sleep easy in their beds.”

Some of you may ask, ‘Is sending a nine-year old child out into the Northern woods with little more than Ritalin, a dull knife and a backpack full of Snickers bars a good idea?’” I say, give our children more credit. Sure they’ll miss their TVs and their mommies, but they know what it means to wear a uniform and that sacrifices are necessary in the war on terror. “

The first Scout units will be in position shortly after the end of school in June. Scout Masters will receive field promotions to full colonel and receive all respective benefits. All scouts will be given photocopies of known Al-Qaeda operatives, and they will be issued shoot-to-kill or really-really-hurt-bad orders.”

My fellow Americans, I know what it means to serve one’s country in uniform and the sacrifices that are required. I spent countless days away from home and family in strange nightclubs and at parties where I didn’t know a soul. It’s true. But America’s young people today understand that freedom isn’t free, and that everyone must do their part in the war on terror. All I can say is God bless them, and God bless you.”

Norm Coleman and the tragedy of hubris

The year was 1996, the early morning hours of a soul-deadening, frigid winter’s night. Mayor of St. Paul Norm Coleman, wearing his favorite smoking jacket and fez, sat brooding in an overstuffed chair near a dying fire, staring into a glass of bitterness. His one-time friends in the DFL had turned against him. Criticized him. Booed him at events.

Fools. Didn’t they know he had a destiny to fulfill? Couldn’t they visualize him delivering a speech on the floor of the Senate so powerful it would disrupt the time-space continuum? Didn’t they know that one day he would command generals and ambassadors and quivering foreign leaders to carry out his visionary policies as he paced to and fro in the Oval Office? “Apparently not,” he said aloud, startling a cat sleeping at his feet.

As he stirred the embers in his Meerschaum, a shadow emerged from the darkness sending icy chills down the mayor’s back. The cloaked figure spoke.

“Norm. I think you know why I am here,” it rattled.

“I know of no one who would present himself to me uninvited in the darkest hours of the morning, except….” Coleman shuddered.

“Yes. You do understand. Although I wouldn’t say I was ‘uninvited.’ You want to fulfill your destiny, and I want to help you do that by striking a bargain with you.”

“A bargain? What sort of bargain, Sir?”

“I can help you realize your dreams of political power…for a price.”

“And you are a fiend,” said Coleman, turning away from the specter in fear.

“Success. Power. All can be yours. The political winds are blowing strongly to the right, My Friend, and you must change allegiances to capitalize on this event. Switch parties, Norm. Give your soul to me, and you will achieve that which you so desire.”

“My soul? Now?”

“Not now. You have work to do. But there will come a day when we will consummate this bargain, and I will collect what you promise me.”

“When? When would that day be?”

“When the winds change again, Norm. If they ever do.”

Coleman stood and contemplated this vexing proposal. “The Democrats have rejected me, and they are weak and in disarray. Americans have always been conservative at heart, and I do not think that will change any time soon. Certainly not in my lifetime.”

“Then we have a deal?” hissed the shadow.

“We have a deal,” agreed Coleman. “I willingly put my future in the hands of the Republican Party. This cannot go wrong. But who, pray tell, are you?”

“I am known by many names, but you can call me, ‘Mr. Cheney.’ Until we meet again.” And with that, the phantom vanished back into the darkness beyond the last remnants of firelight.

Michelle Bachmann: Call of the Loon

The loon is our state bird. Don’t laugh. Nothing can moisten the eye of a Minnesotan quicker than hearing the eerie, tremulous call of a loon from the middle of a mist-covered lake.

We love loons so much we sent one to Congress. Yep. One of the bluer states in America elected a notorious right-wing evangelical ideologue to represent it in Washington D.C. Twice. Actually, calling sixth district Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “right-wing” is kind of like calling Minnesota winters “brisk.” Bachmann is truly in a category all by herself.

During her tenure representing ‘the fighting sixth,” Bachmann has eagerly shared her bizarre spin on the issues during numerous television and radio appearances and with her colleagues in Congress. This woman is not afraid to speak her mind, and for that reason, Bachmann has carved out a noteworthy niche among her fellow representatives: Looniest gal in the room.

You may remember Bachmann’s YouTube splash after Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address when she put a death grip on the president’s shoulder and wouldn’t let go. The over-heated Bachmann was a millisecond away from being escorted out of the event by men who talk into the sleeves of their trenchcoats. Then, when Bush came to Minneapolis after a major bridge collapse, Bachmann claimed the president attempted to assuage her distress by examining her tonsils with his tongue (she euphemistically said “kiss”) during an inspection of the wreckage.

“Oh, John,” you non-Minnesotans argue, “Bachmann can’t be any worse than (fill in your congressperson).” Well, yes she can. But please don’t let me prattle on. Bachmann has no qualms about speaking for herself.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

“We’re running out of rich people in this country."

We do love loons in Minnesota. Wait, I hear one calling now. Or is that another Bachmann press conference?