Publicity stunts gone bad

Who looks more ridiculous? You be the judge.

Democrats cave

The Democrats have deleted any timetable for withdrawal from the current Iraq supplemental spending bill. Bush has won again.

My question is this: How can a large group of educated, experienced Democratic politicians in Congress be consistently outsmarted and outfoxed by a mental midget like George Bush? Is there no Democrat in Congress who’s smarter than George? He continues to make the Dems look foolish and ineffective.

This isn’t what we voted for last November.

Bush names new Blame Czar

President Bush announced today that he has appointed former Congressman Newt Gingrich to be the nation’s first Blame Czar. According to the White House, the primary function of the new position will be to assess blame for the administrations failures over the past six years.

“For the good of our country,” said Bush in his brief remarks, “blame cannot be concentrated on the executive. By it’s very nature, the presidency is beyond blame, hence blame must be doled out to others. Mr. Gingrich is no stranger to vociferous accusations of wrongdoing, and he is not afraid to heap blame on everyone and anyone who disagrees with him. These are the qualities we were looking for in a Blame Czar.”

In accepting the position, Gingrich said he would work tirelessly to implicate others in the mistakes of this administration. “The Democrats have blood on their hands, as do Americans who voted for George Bush,” said Gingrich. “They should have known better. And they did it twice. Now, whose fault is that?”

Gingrich went on to wag an accusatory finger at everyone from the ACLU to Colin Powell for allowing this administration to make misstep after misstep in foreign and domestic policy. Gingrich argued, “George Bush is obviously an emotionally and mentally imbalanced individual, yet time and time again, advisors allowed him to make the final decision on matters of life and death. This is gross negligence of the highest order.”

Gingrich said his first act will be to hurl blame at U.S. military forces for not having the will to win the Iraq war, despite the president’s insistence on victory. “I know I won’t be a popular figure in my new role,” said Gingrich, “but I never have been popular, or even liked, so whoopdeedoo. I don’t care. Rewriting history is never well received, but it must be done in order to salvage the Bush legacy. And be honest. What could be more important than that?”

Republican candidates spar in first debate

The recent MSNBC Republican debate among presidential hopefuls lacked any fireworks between the leading contenders, but it allowed those farther back in the pack an opportunity to set themselves apart.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo sparred vigorously in an attempt to emphasize their conservative credentials. It began when the moderator asked the group, “Who here does not believe in evolution.” Brownback, Huckabee and Tancredo raised their hands. Each of the three candidates was then allowed to explain their position.

“Evolution is a hoax,” began Brownback. “It is hubris of the highest degree for scientists to think they know more than God.”

“You’re right,” continued Huckabee, “But let me add that I believe gravity and electricity are also demonic ideas intended to blind humans to the glory of the Almighty.”

Tancredo added his voice. “So true, gentlemen. We have lost our way, and I for one, yearn for that bygone era when religion was respected and permeated every aspect of society. I’m not talking about the 1950s. I’m talking about the 1050s. The Middle Ages, when the natural order of society was in balance.”

“Let me say for the record, that I was for a feudal society before I was against it,” said Brownback.

“I wrote about “The New Feudalism” in an editorial recently,” remarked Huckabee, “Where I outlined my four point plan that will herald in an era of religious obedience, barbaric behavior and unsanitary conditions…minus the Catholics. It’s what America needs.”

Tancredo rose to his feet, and in a fit of passion declared, “These are half measures, my friends. What America truly needs is an Inquisition, a cleansing effort to reclaim our lost society for God. My platform calls for the arrest and imprisonment of Jews, Catholics, atheists, homosexuals, liberals, feminists and every other anti-American element we can weed out. We must smite them all!”

A chorus of amens throughout the studio followed the comments of Trancedo.

Bush reassures troops: You’ll be in Iraq until hell freezes over

Washington, D.C. - Concerned about the morale of troops fighting in Iraq after Congresses’ failed attempt to set a timetable for withdrawal, President Bush sent a message to American servicemen and women assuring them that the fight against terrorism would continue.

“I know that many of you are rightly concerned that you will be sent home to families and loved ones before we have conquered the enemy. Well, let me tell you, that will not happen on my watch. In fact, it will never happen.

“We will not surrender. If you have to stay in Iraq for the next 50 years, by God, that’s what you’ll do. You are right to wonder what the defeatists are thinking when they cry, ‘Bring home the troops. Bring home the troops.’ Do they want us to fail? Do they care more about your safety and will to live then they do about the never-ending pursuit of terrorists?

“You can count on me, as your Commander and Chief, to keep you in harms way for as long as it takes. Remember, you’re fighting so my daughters don’t have to.

God Bless America

George W. Bush

A little braggin' time

Last winter I entered my script "The Devil's in the Details" in the “screenplay” category in two film festivals. Much to my surprise and delight I received recognition in both festivals. It was selected for “Honorable Mention” (2nd place) in the Buffalo Niagara Film Festival, and I just returned from the California Independent Film Festival where it was chosen best screenplay for 2007.

The Devil's in the Details

Logline: A modern twist on the Faust legend. Advertising executive Danny Laws is on the verge of losing his agency's biggest client and his reputation as New York's hottest ad man. When things look bleakest, he's offered success for his eternal soul, but Danny turns the tables when he convinces Satan hell needs his help more than it need his soul--with an ad campaign.

Francis, Martin, Cameron, Quentin...listen, I know you guys are regular readers of my blog, so let's not get into a pissing match about this. It'll be first come first serve. Love ya.

Bush Administration to revise the Constitution

In a bold move that has incensed Democrats, the Bush Administration announced today that it was going to “edit” the United States Constitution to bring it up-to-date.

“The Constitution is 231 years old,” the White House memo argued. “The language is arcane and the sentiments, while worthy in the abstract, do not represent this country’s role in a dangerous world.”

According to the memo, President Bush will be the first to edit or revise the Constitution. He’ll be given a black magic marker and a copy of the document to make his changes. It will then be routed to others in the White House and the Justice Department for their input. “The President is eager to put his “brand” on the historic document,” continues the announcement, “and he has been pouring over historical documents and Tom Clancy novels in preparation.”

A high-level White House advisor, who asked not to be identified, said the effort is merely a logical evolutionary process. “No one drives a car that’s 231 years old. The Constitution is a living document that requires a new lease on life every couple of centuries. It’s not like we’re tossing it in the garbage and starting from scratch.”

On receiving the White House memo, Congressional Democrats were observed tearing at their clothes and shrieking uncontrollably throughout the halls of the Capital Building. Harry Reid, his face a brilliant shade of purple, stammered, “Impeachment…horse crap…lightning bolt…rain fire from heaven….” Comments from other Democrats could not be deciphered or repeated in a family newspaper.

Late in the day, the White House issued a follow-up memo amid the uproar, clarifying that the President would make his changes with a red magic marker, and not a black one.

It lives! Phyllis Schlafly haunts Bates College

Phyllis Schlafly has reared her ugly head again. The octogenarian antifeminist spoke to an overflow audience (why?) at Bates College recently, fanning the flames of sexual bigotry and demonizing women who refuse to prostrate themselves before their husbands.

An old school version of Ann Coulter, Schlafly’s stock and trade is attacking modern women with zingers drawn from seventeenth century advice columns.

Dear Phyllis,
My husband attempteth to ravage me against my will. I protested heartily, but he would not stop. Is this not rape?
Meg

Dear Meg,
By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don't think you can call it rape.
Phyllis

This cruel and uncaring response wasn’t from 1607 but 2007. Apparently, Schlafly believes that marriage nullifies a woman’s humanity. In other words, her husband owns her.

Schlafly also said that women are “inherently physically inferior” to men and shouldn’t hold jobs like firefighter, construction worker or, of course, soldier. This, despite the fact there are tens of thousands of women working successfully in all three categories.

Like Coulter, Schlafly relies on over-heated, over the top rhetoric to maintain her celebrity status in conservative circles. Her sentiments are shocking to the reality-based world, but apparently that’s what keeps her packing ‘em in on the speaking circuit. Hers was a name I hoped I’d heard the last of decades ago, but she continues to rise from the grave and haunt the rational world.

Hopefully, when the stake is finally driven into the heart of the Reagan-Bush political era and the darkness lifts, Schlafly and her brain-dead peers will scramble back into their holes and stay there.

Working for George

Working for George Bush sure would be sweet. No matter how much you fuck up, you’ve got a job. All you have to do is lie to him a little (No, man, you’re really smart.) and not bad-mouth him to others and you could murder somebody and not get fired. In fact, if you are extremely good at kissing his ass, you can screw up royally and get promoted or be awarded the Medal of Freedom. How awesome is that?

If Bush likes you, you can do no wrong. He believes that every single decision he makes is the right decision, so if you’re hired by Bush, you must be the best person for the job, despite any contradictory evidence. You can lie, cheat, steal, and break a dozen laws, no matter. Bush will keep you safe and on the payroll.

Congress? I can’t hear you.

Department of Justice? You know where you can stick your subpoena.

Special prosecutor? You’re fired!

Once a friend of Bush, always a friend of Bush. If Jeffrey Daumer had been a friend of Bush’s, he’d be alive and running the Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition. Heckuva job, Jeff. Is it any wonder to anyone why Bush was such a lousy businessman?

Laura left behind

Washington D.C. – An embarrassed White House admitted today that First Lady Laura Bush had been inadvertently left behind in the Guatemalan village of Iximche while touring Mayan ruins during the President’s Latin American visit.

A White House spokesperson said the incident was unfortunate, but not unprecedented. “Other members of the Presidential party have been left behind in the past. During a 2004 visit to Europe, we lost a senior NSA member for two weeks in Greece.”

Asked how Mrs. Bush’s absence could go undetected for three days, White House press secretary Tony Snow defended the President, saying, “This is the leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen. A man with that amount of responsibility can be excused for misplacing his wife from time to time. Laura is a quiet, dignified woman who, on occasion, can make herself invisible. It’s a Texas thing.”

A spokesperson for the First Lady said that she is fine and in good spirits. “There was no panic on Laura’s part. She was well taken care of by the lovely Guatemalan villagers, and wrote this ‘thank you’ note to her new Latin American friends: I want to thank everyone in the village of Iximche for your hospitality and kindness. You made my stay in your lovely country one to remember. I want to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the Dutch soccer team sightseeing at the ruins. Players entertained me for hours on end with their amazing ball handling skills and…glistening, finely chiseled athletic bodies. Franz, I’ll never forget you…”

President Bush did not comment on the incident itself, but did thank the Mayan descendants who later purified the ruins for not ripping out Laura’s heart on a stone altar.

The Rite of Exorcism of Conservatives

Exorcism of a Conservative Entity is a dangerous and difficult procedure, and can only be performed by a House or Senate Democrat who has at least a 90 percent progressive voting record.

It is essential that the Democrat who is performing the ritual prepare adequately for the event. There may be no contact with lobbyists 36 hours prior to the ceremony. The mind must be purified through readings of the New Yorker, Harper’s, The Nation, and select liberal blogs. An exercise regimen is recommended as the ritual can be physically draining.

Once preparations are complete, one must assemble the materials needed for the actual exorcism.

Copy of Darwin’s The Origin of Species.

Bottle of expensive French champagne to sprinkle on the body

Peace symbol necklace to be worn at all times during the ceremony

CDs to be played during the ritual: Acid Rock, Death Metal, Jazz, Philip Glass, John Cage, anything in French (NO country, pop or accordion music)

The Ritual

Prepare the room with Patchouli incense. Make sure the subject is securely restrained on the bed. When confronted with reality, the Conservative Entity will become violent. Adhere to the following procedure:

Start the music

Sprinkle Champagne on the subject

Drink a glass of Champagne

Call forth the demon with the following phrases: I will raiseth taxes. Church and state will be separate. Global warming is real. The Japanese buildeth better cars. Al Gore in 2008.

Sprinkle Champagne

Drink a glass of Champagne

Once the demon acknowledges you, read passages from The Origin of Species, interspersed with liberal slogans (Make love, not war. Give peace a chance. Hate is not a family value, etc.)

At this point, the Conservative Entity typically lashes out with epithets like “Commie,” “Pervert sicko,” “Faggot,” or “Jew lover.” You must not become engaged with the entity in a debate. The subject is speaking from a world of unreality and cannot argue reasonably. Attempts to use logic or facts will lead to extreme levels of frustration and anger, which can jeopardize the success of the ritual.

Be strong. Continue the above steps until the Conservative Entity is cast out and the subject can think rationally and coherently. It will take time, so do not be discouraged. Through your efforts, a mind will be saved and the world will be made better through one person’s redemption.

Another McSweeney's reject

Rejected ideas for children’s toys:

Stumbling Blocks

Sorry My Ass

The Glue Factory

Victoria’s Little Secret

Easy Bake Gas Oven

You know you're getting old when...

Every sigh is audible and can be heard up to two rooms away

You change your underwear twice a day

Your children laugh at you, not with you

The only stand-up comics you can name are dead

Putting on your socks requires concentration

Rock music isn’t loud enough

You haven’t seen your back in ten years

You use words you never used before, like “blotches,” “naps,” and “stents.”

You pull a muscle at the dinner table

AARP finds you

You can’t beat your grandkids at arm wrestling

After 40 years you’ve regained a taste for Jell-O

People mistake you for Keith Richards

Why is Bush stirring the hornet's nest?

A disturbing thought crossed my mind today as I considered the speculation around a U.S. attack on Iran. The top military leaders at the Pentagon are against any preemptive action, and there are resignations predicted if Bush starts dropping bombs. Of course, the American people do not support an attack on Iran and the world community is also opposed. There are many possible motives behind Bush’s eagerness to attack yet another sovereign nation, but this is one I hadn’t thought of before. It is horrible to contemplate, but, because we are dealing with madmen in Washington, not too horrible to dismiss.

Is George Bush trying to provoke another 9/11?

The crowning moment of his presidency was standing on top of the World Trade Center rubble with his megaphone surrounded by honest-to-goodness heroes. His polls were up in the 90s. World leaders expressed their unanimous support. It was a point in time when America and the world looked for guidance to the man who had failed miserably at virtually everything else he had done in his life.

The moment would be intoxicating for anyone, but for Bush, it was like winning the lottery and hitting the winning home run in the World Series all wrapped into one. And, because George is George, it all went downhill from there. Today the President faces quagmires in Afghanistan and Iraq, hostile world leaders, a Democratic Congress, polls dipping into the 20s, and more and more criticism from people who once supported him. What to do?

One might desire to quickly and dramatically change the topic. Another 9/11 might do it. A terrorist attack causing massive deaths in America would suddenly put George back in the world spotlight and divert attention from his ongoing blunders. Like him or hate him, he’d be the face of the government.

A large-scale eruption of terrorist violence would also open the door to an option that sends chills up and down the spine of any rational American—martial law. Even those of us who are critical of the administration continually underestimate Bush’s stupidity and Cheney’s malevolence. Declaring martial law would give GW the ultimate control for which he yearns. Bush and company would then have an excuse to round up the liberals, the gays, the unfriendly journalists, and the college professors and provide them all with free housing at gated “resorts” in the Nevada desert.

And then there’s the matter of the 2008 elections. Terrorists have struck again. The United States is in a heightened state of security. The world is in turmoil. The wise thing to do, Glorious Leader tells the American people, is to “postpone” the elections until the situation becomes more stable. Yes, there are soldiers on the streets of Dallas and Boston and Portland, but that is for our own safety and security. There will be national elections again, sometime in the distant future.

George Bush is sticking a twig into the hornet’s nest of the Middle East. Why? The answer may be worse than you ever imagined.

Bachmann Update: Still crazy

That wacky Michele Bachmann is at it again. In a recent interview, she described in detail a SECRET plan by Iran to divide up Iraq and create a “terrorist safe haven zone” called “The Iraq State of Islam.” Of course when questioned later, her office said there actually is no secret plan.

Thank you, fellow Minnesotans of the 6th District, for sending a mentally imbalanced person to Washington who will provide the rest of the country with yuks at our expense for years to come.

Congress must make media concentration a priority

In a totalitarian regime, the government decides what is news—what is true and what is false. They disseminate their “news” through the government-controlled media. In a democracy, there is a middleman known as the free press. The role of the press is to stand between those in power and the people to discern the truth, as best as possible. They have the training, resources, and networks to separate the egg yolk from the white, truth from propaganda, which is what separates us from totalitarian governments around the world.

What we have today is a different model. For a variety of reasons, the balance has shifted and the press no longer serves as the honest broker. Media concentration has resulted in the very large pie being shared by a mere handful of owners. This small group of generally conservative capitalists decides what is news—what is true and what is false—for most Americans. They decide which viewpoints will be heard, which experts to choose, which angle to pursue. As a result, voices that do not mesh with the owners’ capitalist agenda—socialists, gays, feminists, minorities, progressives and liberals—are ignored or attacked.

The “liberal press” is a myth. There may be liberal reporters, but those who own and run the media are anything but liberal. They are businesspeople first, citizens second, and greedy above all. They give the government what it wants through propaganda and friendly press, and the government returns the favor with deregulation and policies that allow owners to enlarge their monopolies. The American people—those whose sole source of news is the mainstream media—get the pleasure of being brainwashed. It’s a win/win/lose situation.

Breaking up the media monopoly needs to be a top agenda item of Congress, and they should start working on this soon. It may be too late for the 2008 elections, which is frightening. Another Republican in the White House for four years will surely mark the end of the American experiment. Unfortunately, the MSM must be forced to incorporate alternative voices and points of view by government. It will not move in this direction on its own.

George Bush: Smirking towards Armageddon

Did you think George Bush couldn’t make things any worse? Reports from the British press are indicating that a strike on Iran could happen within days. Days. How wrong is this?

Striking Iran will set the Middle East on fire. It will increase America’s susceptibility to terrorist attacks a hundred fold. It will drive the price of oil sky high. Bombs are indiscriminant and will kill tens of thousands of Iranians. It will galvanize the Iranian people against us, even those who oppose their own government. It will accelerate the recruitment of more terrorists around the world. It will result in many U.S. casualties because Iran has a far stronger and better-equipped military than Iraq.

How can this be happening, you ask? Don’t ask me, ask your representatives in Congress and the Senate. Ask them how they will end this madness. Tell them that the President and Vice President are completely out of touch with reality and must be restrained. ASAP.

Why conservatives can't do satire

There have been a number of negative reviews of the new FOX show “The ½ Hour News Hour.” An attempt by Conservatives to copy the success of The Daily Show, the HHNH tries political satire from a far right perspective, and, as one might guess, fails miserably. I forced myself to watch segments of the show on uTube, and it was as painful as I had imagined it would be.

For all the panning of the show in the media, I have failed to read one critique that accurately explains what the problem is, so I will. Conservatives do not understand irony. Irony is the foundation of satire. If you don’t understand irony, you can never do satire.

The University of Victoria Department of English Writer’s Guide explains it this way: The term irony is derived from the Greek eiron (dissembler), and denotes that the appearance of things differs from their reality, whether in terms of meaning, situation, or action. That is, it is ironical when there is a difference between what is spoken and what is meant, what is thought about a situation and what is actually the case; or what is intended by actions and what is their actual outcome.

Conservatives are not wired to appreciate subtle humor. Conservative comedy is when people slip on banana peels or get hit in the face with a pie. Drawing subtle inferences is simply beyond their abilities.

There are no jabs or barbs directed at Bush or Cheney or anyone in the administration in the first installment of HHNH. All the venom is directed at liberals and liberal ideas. Because they don’t understand irony, they don’t see (or refuse to see) the irony in any of Bush’s actions in office. No surge jokes. No one-liners about the inability of the President of the United States to utter a coherent sentence. It’s all about dissing Dems.

What’s clear to all is that the object of HHNH is not humor but revenge. What lies beneath the Obama hits and Hillary swipes is anger, not irony. Irony is part of the human experience. It is not divided down political lines and it is not intended to be used as a bludgeon to smite one’s enemies. If FOX wants to go funny, it should really consider shows more in tune with it’s audience, like remakes of The Beverly Hillbillies or Gilligan’s Island. Big guffaws. Light on irony.

Oh, that helpless feeling

There are millions of Americans out there who feel like I do. They feel as if they are a passenger in a car that has gone out of control on a highway. The car is skidding toward oncoming traffic, and it’s happening in slow motion. Most frightening of all is that the driver seems to be enjoying it.

We are the people who have called and written our representatives, signed petitions, and let it be known to anyone who will listen that Bush and his crew are running this country into the ground. Yet for all we’ve done, America remains on a crash course toward expanded war and mayhem. It seems all we can do now is hold on and wait for the impact.

It’s a horrible feeling of helplessness. Our destiny, perhaps our very lives, is in the hands of madmen who rule just beyond the reach of civilized society, hiding from justice in a haze of lies, obfuscation and deceit. We hoped the people we elected to Congress would stop America’s village idiot from further tearing apart the Constitution, but alas, they sit on the sidelines yapping like Chihuahuas as the burglars ransack the house.

In an emergency situation such as a runaway car, there is only one possible life-saving option, and that is to take the steering wheel from the driver and try and regain control of the vehicle. That means either impeaching Bush and Cheney or forcing them to resign. There really are no other options if we are to avoid more death and destruction.

Please pay me for being stupid

I want to be a conservative pundit.

It’s one of only two jobs in America where you can gain fame and fortune and be wrong about everything. The other is politician.

I can say or write that black is white, up is down, and someone will give me enough money to buy a house in Scarsdale. And a pony.

It has to be a great job because it doesn’t require any thought. In fact, you run the risk of making sense if you think about something for more than a few seconds, and that is a death sentence for a conservative pundit.

Basically, the only job requirement is to say the first thing that comes into your head. Ten times out of ten it’s wrong and stupid, and people will love it.

In fact, the more wrong and stupid it is, the better. Angry white men, your target audience, also love it when you say cruel and hateful things. They enjoy it when you pick on the poor, women, minorities and the Clintons. The more hateful the attack the better. Cruelty towards others makes angry white guys laugh. How hard can that be?

I’m tired of just getting by month after month. It’s time to jump on the stupid train and take the short ride to Hatesville. There’s a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow and it’s mine. ALL MINE.

How D.A.R.E. you!

I attended my 10-year old son’s graduation from D.A.R.E. last night. He was proud of his accomplishment and I congratulated him enthusiastically. It was an hour-and-a-half long event—a very long time to ask a hundred fifth-graders and one fifty-four year old father to sit still—but the kids seemed very into it and were full of D.A.R.E.-loving energy.

A remnant from the early years of the war on drugs, D.A.R.E. is still a mainstay in many U.S. schools despite the fact that a number of studies have shown the program is not effective in reducing drug use. Knowing this put the graduation ceremony in disturbing perspective for me.

The master-of-ceremonies was uniformed Officer Schuveiller, an affable, easy-to-like man who obviously believed in the program. During the course of the evening, Officer Schuveiller mentioned at least three times that he had never smoked, had a beer or taken an illegal drug in his life. Good for him, I thought. He was certainly a better role model than 90 percent of the parents in the audience.

The theme of the evening was abstinence. Students read essays that were all only slight variations on the “I will never, ever, ever, ever…take drugs in my life” theme. Their insistence on this matter was passionate. Drugs kill people. Drugs ruin families. Drugs make you stupid. I will never touch drugs in my life.

You can’t blame the kids. The fact that they are fanatical about something they have no experience with is not their fault. Providing fifth-graders with a six-week abstinence-only sex education course conducted by the local Baptist church would produce similar results.

D.A.R.E. is not education but indoctrination. The program deals in absolutes and sets up standards of behavior that most students can never hope to meet. When they don’t measure up to the perfect Officer Schuveiller, when they behave like the fallible human beings they are, we all are, then the guilt sets in.

The program makes a distinction between good drugs and bad drugs, but it is laughably arbitrary, and as the children age, they will all understand this. “My Dad has a drink every night, and he’s the CEO of huge company.” “My brother smokes cigarettes, and he’s a lawyer.” The hypocrisy of the “touch drugs and your life is ruined” approach does not go unnoticed by kids, even at this young age.

And let’s not forget the aura of militarism surrounding the program. The course is run by policemen, not sociologists or drug therapists. Officer Schuveiller showed a video he created that was a collage of photos showing the kids in different settings during the program. One long stretch of shots involved a military helicopter landing in a field next to the school and all the kids lining up to see it and talk to the pilot. What possible connection is there between a military helicopter and an anti-drug program for kids?

None of this is to say that we should encourage children to take drugs. However, drugs are a part of our society and need to be dealt with realistically, not through the filter of a political or religious agenda. When we are hypocritical about drugs and drug use or rely on propaganda and cherry-picked science, as the D.A.R.E. program does, kids get very mixed messages.

D.A.R.E. has always been a band aid over the drug problem championed by reactionary politicians who care more about looking like they’re doing something than actually tackling a very complicated societal issue. Trying to brainwash kids into abstinence will never be successful, and D.A.R.E. should be scraped for a much more realistic, honest approach to drugs.

Troop Throb in Iraq, Says Snow

WASHINGTON DC – At this morning’s briefing, White House press secretary Tony Snow introduced new administration terminology related to the President’s troop surge in Iraq.

“What we’re doing in Iraq is really better described as a throb rather than a full-fledged surge. We want to keep expectations at the throb level, which is only slightly less aggressive than a surge. Our goals remain the same.”

A reporter asked Snow why the latest strategy wasn’t a swell or gush of troops.

“No, we’re not swelling,” asserted Snow. “And we are absolutely not gushing or, I might add, undulating. Let me make that clear. This is a troop throb to secure Baghdad and assist the fledgling government with security.”

Caroline Matthers from the Washington Post asked Snow to clarify exactly how many troops would be inserted as part of the throb.

“That’s one of the reasons why our terminology has shifted slightly. Instead of the 20,000 number previously stated, we will be sending closer to 500 additional troops.”

One reporter asked if that was a strong enough throb to achieve success.

“We believe that the thrust of our throb will be sufficient to fill the security void and help propagate peace in that war torn city.”

Murdoch admits the obvious: We peddle propaganda

It’s come to this. In a recent interview at an economic forum in Switzerland, media mogul Darth Sidious, otherwise known as Rupert Murdoch, was asked if News Corp. had managed to shape the agenda on the war in Iraq. His answer?

“No, I don’t think so. We tried.” Asked to elaborate, he said: “We basically supported the Bush policy in the Middle East…but we have been very critical of his execution.”

Okay, can we now relegate the term “liberal media” to the dustbin of history? We’ve known all along that FOX News was neither fair nor balanced, but now it is revealed that it is part of what can only be described as a worldwide propaganda machine for the conservative agenda.

Is there an outcry from “legitimate” news organizations about this? I haven’t heard it. Maybe that’s because there are no legitimate news organizations left. The deafening silence surrounding Murdock’s remarks among the major media outlets suggest complicity. It’s now generally accepted that the old school of journalism—the search for truth—has been closed, and the new school—infotainment and government cheerleading—has taken its place.

The run-up to the Iraq war is one of the most egregious examples of the new journalism, and it wasn’t just FOX stoking the war engines. All of the network news organizations eagerly hoped on the Bush/Cheney Baghdad express. They all supported the Bush policy in the Middle East, ignoring anyone who dared to criticize the inevitable.

Murdoch spoke the truth for once, but nobody cared. Who needs Pravda when the capitalist propaganda machine operates so smoothly and efficiently?

George is the reason the wheels are coming off the wagon

What is it about Bush and things with wheels? GW is one of three people in the world who have managed to fall off a Segway. He’s had numerous bicycle accidents on the ranch’s back 40. And now, we hear he nearly ran over a host of reporters when he took the controls of a DC-10 tractor while touring a Caterpillar facility. Some have suggested that it was clearly his intention to run over the press corps, but I think that’s giving him more credit for driving ability than is due.

Does he have some type of inner ear problem? Does he make it a point to drink and drive?

It’s more than a little upsetting to know that we have to keep the presidential car keys hidden from the leader of the free world.

I don’t recall hearing anything about Bush crashing a jet fighter during his National Guard days (although, who knows if he really flew anything by himself), so it doesn’t appear that planes are a problem.

Wheels seem to be the trouble here. Perhaps the lack of wheels turning upstairs translates into an inability to make them work downstairs.

I say, “George. You wanna ride? Here’s your safety helmet and an adult 3-wheeler. Have a blast.” But that’s just me.

Today's questions

Has anyone ever seen Dick Cheney in direct sunlight?

Where is Laura Bush?

Is it still a man’s world?

Has anyone in America actually read an Ann Coulter book?

Why haven’t aliens ever tried to abduct me? Am I not good enough for them?

Why doesn’t time ever sit still?

Who would win in a fistfight between George Bush and Hillary Clinton?

Why did my generation get stuck with the worst President in American history?

Decider or decision maker? Americans want answers

Okay. Let’s try and sort this out. First Bush says he’s the decider. Now he tells us he’s the decision maker. So which is it? Decider or decision maker?

If Bush is the decision maker, who’s the decider now?

Is Bush deciding things or making decisions? What if he’s brought a problem that requires a decider, but he’s the decision maker? Does he pass it on to Cheney?

The implications are far reaching. Does he need to get Congressional approval to hire a decider? What would that person’s title be? Decider to the President? Chief Decider?

Who will make the decision whether the White House needs to call in the decider? Will it be case by case or are there going to be strict criteria?

Can the White House out source deciding? Will Americans tolerate a foreign decider?

I call on Bush to clarify these duties and make a firm commitment to being either a decider or a decision maker. The country deserves to know.

Michele Bachmann puts the squeeze on Bush

I’ve blogged before that I suspect our new House member from Minnesota Michele Bachmann is mentally imbalanced based on her bizarre comments during last year’s campaign. My suspicions were further strengthened after her performance at the end of last night’s State of the Union address.

You can see the incident in all its weirdness on YouTube.

Bush has finished his speech and is leaving the chambers, stopping momentarily to shake hands and sign autographs for House members. As he makes his way down the corridor, Bachmann, looking like Mary Tyler Moore hepped up on giddy pills, grabs the President’s shoulder. He gives her a quick autograph and turns his attention to others, but SHE DOESN”T LET GO. She keeps a firm grip on the Prez as he talks to others and gives another woman a peck on the cheek.

Bachmann keeps squeezing the President until he turns back to her and gives her a hug and kiss. Even then, she continues touching his back for several more seconds. The news people at Channel 5 estimated her WWF hold on the Smirking One lasted a full 30 seconds.

I’m surprised Secret Service agents didn’t step in and pull the obviously over-stimulated Bachmann off of Bush.

Evidently, lies and hollow rhetoric turn her on. Sure makes a Minnesotan proud.

The SOTU: An in-depth critique

Everybody in the blogoverse is putting in their two cents about Bush’s SOTU address last night. Here is my analysis:

It sucked.
Bush is a moron.
Our country is sinking deeper into the doo doo.

Crossing the great divide

Americans live in a divided country. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as red versus blue or north versus south. It is a large chasm, a great divide between Americans who understand the concept of democracy and embrace it, and those who either don’t understand the concept or understand it, but reject it.

At one extreme, you have religious conservatives who are more honest than most about their disdain for democracy. They want to live by their interpretation of the bible, and that interpretation is dramatically non-democratic. There are ongoing attempts by some in the movement to create communities around America that are governed solely by biblical teachings, and not secular law (think the Amish in suburbia). Like their counterparts from Somalia to Tehran, they make no bones about preferring theocracy to democracy.

A second group, however, is far more disingenuous about their contempt for the American experiment. They are today’s far-right conservatives who love to prostrate themselves before the flag and publicly espouse their love of all things American, but who have no allegiance to democratic principles. This group is reflected in Weekly Standard editor William Kristol. On a recent Sunday talk show, Kristol attacked opponents of Iraq escalation in Congress, saying, “It’s just unbelievable. … It’s so irresponsible that they can’t be quiet for six or nine months.”

This is the, “I-like-democracy-as-long-as-everyone-agrees-with-me” camp, which, of course, is inherently anti-democratic. Bush and Cheney are poster boys for ILDALAEAWM. For Bush, democracy is what he says it is. Cheney is just an evil bastard who would have risen to power in any totalitarian regime of the twentieth century. But they and other standard bearers like George Will, Bill Bennett, Coulter, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, David Brooks, and D’Nesh DeSouza, among many others both more or less extreme, yearn for an America that is a different animal than the one brought into existence by Jefferson and company.

Under the banner of “Super Patriotism,” the anti-democracy crowd and its big-business sugar daddies have taken over the media to spew their repressive ideology. Every idea they support is wrong. Every principle they stand for is bogus. Yet no one seems to care. Bill Kristol has a remarkable record of championing the losing side of every issue from Iraq to immigration. Instead of being shamed out of Washington, however, Kristol is rewarded for his ignorance with a regular column in Time magazine.

With Bush stealing two elections, the “I-hate-democracy” crowd bought and bullied its way into the White House, and once there, didn’t waste any time taking a jackhammer to the country’s democratic foundation. Fortunately, through sheer stupidity, they brought the temple down on themselves, and their hubris and opportunism has become obvious to even the dullest American.

The great divide remains, however, and, despite the descent of Bush into the black hole of popularity, the corporate media continues to push its anti-democracy agenda. It’s going to take a lot of political courage on the part of the Democrats to reign back in the many-headed media monster, but it is absolutely necessary if we hope to resurrect true democracy and begin closing the political chasm that separates this fractured country.

United we stand. Divided we fall.

WANTED: Speechwriter

Can you turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse with words? Temporary position at undisclosed Washington D.C. location. Work with top political insiders on critical national speech. Qualifications: Ability to write fiction essential. Must be able to turn incoherent, delusional babble into inspiring, uplifting message of hope for a nation. Ability to check conscience at the door. Criminal record not necessary, but a plus. Experience working with special needs adults also advantageous. Pay beyond your wildest dreams. Prospective applicants should contact the man wearing a black fedora sitting on the bench at the east entrance to the Smithsonian at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday. Code words: “Operation Moron Rescue.”

Fredo Corleone as The Godfather

My favorite movie is The Godfather. My worst nightmare is the Bush administration. The two have intersected with some significant alterations to the script. In today’s rewrite, a series of improbable events has resulted in Fredo heading the Corleone family. Fredo, you’ll remember, is the mentally challenged oldest son of Don Corleone. Unable to handle more important family business, Fredo is relegated to showing politicians and judges a good time in Vegas.

George Bush is our Fredo, an inept, intellectually challenged son of an accomplished father thrust into a position of great power. One can imagine Fredo barking orders to his lieutenants, and everyone in the room rolling their eyes in disbelief. It must happen to George several times a day.

And, like the Corleone family, the Bush administration is a criminal enterprise. Think Progress notes, “As many as eight U.S. Attorneys are leaving or being pushed out of their positions by the Bush administration. Several of these prosecutors are working on high-profile cases, such as Carol Lam, who ran the investigation into the corruption of former Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham (R-CA).”

The Fredo/Bush response to judges who won’t play ball? “Whack the S.O.B’s.” Justice? That’s for suckers. The administration’s blatant strong-arm tactics are lifted right out of the Mafia Handbook.

But who has the guts to go up against the mob? Even one ruled over by Fredo?

Conservatism. There is hope.

Jack, the neurological tests are back and I’m afraid it’s not good news.

What…what is it?

Well, I’m not going to sugar-coat this. You’re conservative, Jack.

Oh God. No.

I’m afraid the evidence is overwhelming. The pathological lying to yourself and others. The anger and tendency toward violence. Lack of empathy. It’s all there.

I thought it was the flu.

It’s not always easy to diagnose. Conservatives can seem quite normal under many circumstances, but once they engage in discussions on politics or religion, the illness becomes quite apparent.

I was so certain I was right.

That’s what the illness does to people, Jack. It acts as a filter to the brain, blocking logic and reason. Lacking the ability to think critically and objectively, you’re left to fall back on superstition and more primitive reactionary thought patterns.

Is there a cure?

It’s difficult but not impossible to cure. What makes it so damned hard, Jack, is that because of your inability to reason objectively, it becomes extremely hard to bring you back to health using logic. All of the perfectly rationale arguments, all of the objective evidence, they really amount to a hill of beans if I can’t somehow break through the filter.

That filter again.

Don’t give up all hope. There are cases of conservatives regaining their mental health and living fulfilling lives.

But…how do I start? What do I do?

Here, Jack. It’s a book. Read it. Think about it. Discuss it with others. Then read another book and another. Opening your mind and rerouting your thought patterns will start you on the road to recovery. Now, I’ll have to excuse myself. I have a serious case of religious fundamentalism to deal with.

Thank you, Doctor.

Does anyone in the Bush administration have a conscience?

I don’t know why you would, but if you ever did entertain the notion that there was a shred of honesty or decency to be found in the Bush administration, this will knock that silly idea right out of your pointy little head. Check out today’s diary at Daily Kos titled: “The True face of this Administration Revealed.”

Unless you were recently thawed from an ice block after a several thousand years nap, you will find the administration’s attempts to use American soldiers as hostages to get money from Congress sickening.

The latest blogosphere diagnosis of Bush is that he is a sociopath, which I won’t argue with, but he can’t be the only one. It seems as if the President as drawn similarly afflicted people around him. The Daily Kos diary quotes National Security Advisor Stephen J. Hadley, who seems quite satisfied with putting the lives of Americans in danger in order to help the President get the money he wants.

If Hadley has a conscience, its whereabouts is unknown.

Now we know. The inmates are running the asylum. Who will stop them?

In case of emergency, break glass

Living in America is a surreal nightmare. It’s the plot of a 1960s bargain bin novel written by some hack who tried to come up with a modern day version of 1984, only it’s worse than he ever imagined.

In his weekly radio address, Bush railed at the Democratic congress to either put up an alternative plan for Iraq or shut up. Is the President channeling Ronald Reagan? What about the Iraq Study Group plan? Or John Murtha’s proposals? Or probably a dozen other alternatives out there to sending in additional troops? Bush doesn’t want another plan unless it involves nuclear weapons and a fancy new uniform. Even his plan isn’t a plan. It’s a delaying tactic to try and prolong the madness just long enough to pack up and catch the first plane to Crawford in 2008.

And then there’s this. On an upcoming 60 minutes, Bush will tell correspondent Scott Pelley that he doesn’t care what the Democratic Congress tries to do; he’ll send the troops anyway. The boy has gone crazy. Either he doesn’t know this is a democracy, he doesn’t know what a democracy is, or he doesn’t give a shit. It’s probably a combination of the three.

WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY STOP HIM? George Bush is mentally impaired and he is pulling this country into the abyss with him. Is there no recourse for stopping a madman in the Oval Office? I’m not even talking about long, drawn out impeachment hearings, but an emergency button behind the Speaker of the House’s desk that says, “In case the President is insane, break glass”?

I always thought our system of checks and balances was a work of political art, a nearly flawless balancing act that would always keep everyone honest. How naïve could I be? What we know now is that it only works if everyone plays by the same rules. If the President or Congress or the judicial branch decide to ignore precedent and even the law, all bets are off. The soft underbelly of our system has been exposed and exploited.

I’m sure there were many people out there who, after the November elections, thought, “Whew. Now we have a Democratic Congress and Bush only has two years left. How much damage can he do?” Well, let me tell you, it’s more than any of us can imagine.

The Ballad of the Crawford Kid

Six years ago, George Bush walked into a Las Vegas casino wearing a ten-gallon hat and shiny new boots. He had huge wads of cash in every pocket and was accompanied by a posse of true believers. The Crawford Kid was a glittery rhinestone cowboy ready to show Vegas what a real Texas bettin’ man could do.

Stepping across the threshold, he paused for a few beats and cased the joint, unsure about where to go or what to do. Then, miraculously, a seat opened up at the ultra-high stakes blackjack table. This was the opportunity of a lifetime for the Kid and he swaggered up to the stool and climbed on like he was hopping into the saddle to break a wild mustang.

Problem is, the dealer was no fool, and he immediately spotted the Kid for what he was—a big-talking rube. All hat and no cattle. In his career Mr. dealer had seen scores of rich kids like George all drunk on money and power coming into the casino thinking they actually controlled the universe, when in reality it was the other way around.

King of the world on his leather throne, the Crawford Kid started playing. Of course, Mr. Dealer started playing as well; playing the rube like a violin. George won some of the first few hands and was ecstatic. “Look,” he said. “I know what I’m doing.” The posse cheered, blinded by the piles of chips next to the kid’s hand that they hoped he would share with them when it was over.

A few more winning hands emboldened the Kid. He wasn’t into card counting or theories of probability. George relied on his instincts, those gut feelings he had about when to hit or hold, and they were working beautifully. He started betting more with each hand.

Soon, the winning and losing started evening out. A more mature gambler might look at his stack of chips, see that he was comfortably ahead, and leave the table to play another day. But, as the dealer well new, Bush was not mature, and the cowBOY became agitated that he was losing hands.

After a few more losses, the Kid’s thinking went something like this: I’m bound to win one of the next few hands, so I’ll increase my bet even more to recoup what I've lost. This is a fatal mistake for gamblers and one of the reasons why the house always wins. The good dealer, like the matador toying with an increasingly angry bull, knows that the weak gambler eventually loses his ability to play rationally the more he goes in the hole.

The other players at the table sensed that the Kid was growing testier the faster his chips disappeared, and they quietly withdrew from the game. George didn’t understand why they were quitting when he knew for a certainty that things would start turning around for him any hand now. Even many in his entourage took their leave, which angered the Kid even more.

Now he was losing consistently. He blamed the dealer. He blamed his closest friends. He blamed the casino. But he never blamed himself. Nor did he stop playing. He kept betting and borrowing money from people, feverish with the need to win some hands and regain his money and his pride. The losing continued.

Finally the Kid was flat broke, but he wouldn’t leave the table. He became belligerent and threatening. There was discussion among management about how to handle the situation. They new George was from a wealthy, politically powerful family and were not enthusiastic about the publicity that would be generated by throwing him out. But soon complaints from other gamblers grew loud enough to spur the managers to action, and they finally tossed the Crawford Kid out of the casino.

The Kid works on a ranch now, clearing brush for a living. He is a bitter and angry man these days, and he blames that Vegas casino for all his troubles. If you’re around him, you’ll hear him muttering to himself, “One more hand.” “Just one more hand.”

A new holiday from Glorious Leader

Washington, DC - In a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Bush and a number of cabinet members danced on the lawn and sang Christian hymns after declaring January 4, “Day of the Decider.”

In his brief speech before friends and family, Bush said the day would be a national holiday and would allow Americans to “…celebrate my presidency in prayer and joyful skits illustrating my many courageous moments as the ultimate decider.”

Reporters were asked to join the dance by the barefoot Secretary of State Rice. The FOX News team was the only group that chose to participate.

Most Democrats responded to the announcement with comments similar to those made by Senator Ted Kennedy: “He’s gone fucking nuts.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “Impeachment is definitely back on the table, as is involuntary commitment.”

The very short list of things stupider than sending 20,000 more American soldiers to Iraq.

• Wearing fire hats
• Repeatedly stabbing your penis with an ice pick
• Attending a Yanni/John Tesh concert
• Handing out sticks of dynamite to Halloween trick or treaters
• Shaving your pit bull with a straight razor
• Paying for a vowel on Wheel of Fortune
• Attempting to conquer Mt. Everest in the nude
• Marrying Mike Tyson
• Trusting George Bush

Failed human #356,532,5338,907

Working on Andrew Getzman (Getz) was always amusing. Probing the poor human’s mind was like being lost in the labyrinth of Rummaltus—there was something fascinating and repulsive around every corner. How such an inept, unremarkable human had been chosen for harvesting was a question no one in the clinic could answer, nor would they try, for it was a decision made very, very far away.

The team always took a short break from sperm extraction and tracking device implantation to watch Getz’s latest lurid fantasy on the monitor. Over the years, the group had been treated to an encyclopedia of human sexual frustration and fetishes, yet there was always a thread of pathos in his personal fantasies that made them more intriguing than most.

During this visit to the galactic out-clinic, the theme was premature ejaculation. Every time he glanced at a woman’s foot he instantly became stiff and came in his pants. The scene repeated itself several times until after another embarrassing eruption, Getz began screaming as he had been staring at a goat’s hoof. Everyone around the operating table yipped several times, shook their large gray heads in pity and went back to work.

Getz saw himself screaming then realized he was screaming, sitting upright, drenched with sweat. He threw off his covers and jumped out of bed, walking around the room and stopping in confusion like a human bumper car.

It had happened again. Abducted. Right from his freaking bedroom. Just like all the other times when the grays came through the wall like micro-ninjas with helium-inflated heads to sedate and kidnap him. Words and phrases angrily erupted as he paced in his underwear.

“They got me again. Fuck.”

He stopped suddenly, stretched out the top of his briefs and inspected his genitals. Swooning, he reached down with one hand and pulled up an object to inspect it. His face contorted with agony as he stared at a smiley-face band-aid.

“Those bastards.”

He angrily threw the band aid at the wall, and then reached behind his neck, tearing off another band-aid.

“Scooby Doo?” he moaned, falling face down on his bed. “Oh God, what did they do to me this time? What did they do?”

Getz had given up trying to get help several abductions ago. No one took him seriously. Sure, he could show the band-aids to his shrink and say, ‘Look. Here’s your proof,’ but all he’d get for his trouble would be a condescending smile and another bill he couldn’t pay. He knew exactly how it would unfold.

“Andrew,” Dr. Eggers would say as he rested his chin on his fingertips. “A person can buy these band-aids at any Wal-Mart in America. Do you think the aliens shop at Wal-Mart?”

“If they cared about saving money, they would.” The moment this came out of his mouth, Getz new it was all wrong. Dr. Eggers laughed like a braying donkey. “I meant,” Getz continued, trying once again to make Eggers see the all too obvious web of connections, “the aliens would probably buy supplies like band-aids on earth. Maybe from Wal-Mart. They couldn’t let me go walking around with an actual alien band-aid stuck to my body. Now could they?”

Realizing that Getz wasn’t laughing with him, Dr. Eggers quickly transitioned back to his well-worn serious continence, although the jolt made him cough uncontrollably.

“I am…very sorry, Andrew, but I thought you were—”

“Joking. I know.”

“Perhaps you should start coming in twice a month.”

George Will: The last serious man

Like a Christmas goose stuffed to overflowing with breadcrumbs and celery, George Will is completely full of shit. Unfortunately, we can’t put him in the oven for three hours to cook. I guess that would be considered murder.

In today’s column, Will bemoans Time magazine’s selection of person of the year, which happens to be everybody who uses the Web. Like a bewigged seventeenth century French aristocrat, Will arches an eyebrow and sneers at bloggers and others who dare to think that their lives or opinions are anything but an absolute snore.

“The most capacious modern entitlement is not to Social Security but to self-esteem. So Time's cover features a mirror-like panel. The reader -- but why bother to read the magazine when merely gazing at its cover gives intense gratification? -- can gaze at the reflection of his or her favorite person. Narcissism is news? Evidently.”

Will believes that 99.9% of what’s on the Web lacks seriousness. That is, of course, a ridiculous statement, but here is one that is not: 99.9% of all conservative commentators and pundits lack intellectual seriousness. Will tries to camouflage his vacuous ideas in professorial prose. Others, like O’Reilly and Limbaugh prefer intimidation and shouting. Nonetheless, on the intellectual seriousness meter, all fall below the “laughable” line.

Being the hopeless elitist he is, Will feels threatened by the Web. I’m sure George is convinced that only he and a handful of other syndicated columnists have anything useful or profound to say. The threat, however, comes not from any intellectually superior scribes, but from the sheer mass of writers who steal attention from the traditional, serious thought leaders.

“Most bloggers have the private purpose of expressing themselves, for their own satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with that, but nothing demanding or especially admirable, either.”

So there is nothing admirable in my desire to express myself. He’s right of course. Why would I want to express myself when I can read George Will expressing himself? He’s serious, you know.

Bush stuns world with press conference remarks

At a press conference today, President Bush said that insurgents in Iraq thwarted U.S. efforts at "establishing security and stability throughout the country'' in 2006. As reporters fell silent in shocked disbelief, the president went on, claiming that the sun is hot and that bears do shit in the woods.

The astonishing revelation that insurgents were hampering the U.S. effort in Iraq has reverberated around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair fainted after being given the news. Italian President Carlo Ciampi reportedly soiled himself. Other world leaders expressed disbelief.

In a second explosive observation, Bush declared that we are not winning in Iraq, but we’re not losing, either. The already shaken press corps tried to make sense of this statement. A reporter asked, “If we’re not winning and we’re not losing, what are we doing?”

The President responded: “We are winosing. It’s a combination of winning and losing.”

President Bush then tried to clarify a statement he made in November that the United States is “absolutely winning” in Iraq. “What I meant was that we were winning in my mind. When I think we are winning, that means we are winning. Now, I think we are winosing, so that’s what is happening now…in reality. Sometimes I get the two mixed up.”

Several reporters tried to ask follow-up questions, but were told to “shut your pie holes” by the President, who then quickly left the room under very tight security.

Bush is desperate. Dems need to pay attention.

In a last ditch effort to save face (after all, what could be more important than that?), President Bush wants to send 15,000 to 30,000 new troops to Iraq, over the objections of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

We all wondered what a desperate GW would do when all the cards came tumbling down, and now we know. He’s going to send more people to kill and be killed. Why didn’t I think of that?

Unfortunately for all of us, the madness of King George is not being taken with nearly the seriousness it deserves by Democrats in Washington. Still busy patting each other on the back after the November election, the Dems continue to treat Bush as if he is the legitimate Commander and Chief, and not the deranged demagogue he truly is.

The last six years have been a series of “Who could believe” moments. Who could believe national elections could be stolen? Who could believe that an inarticulate mental midget would hold the reigns of the last superpower on earth? Who could believe that any President would openly display such disdain for the people who elected him? Who could believe that the United States would become the Evil Empire to the rest of the world?

After all of this, why is it so hard to believe that we have a deranged and dangerous President sitting in the Oval Office; a President who wasn’t capable of making rationale decisions to begin with, but who is now under intense pressure to do something about the mess he created? The Democrats should not treat Bush’s present mental state lightly.

Sending more troops to Iraq is madness and must not be allowed.

My predictions for 2007

The Bush Twins will show up in an Argentinean porn film

Donald Rumsfeld will host a FOX News talk show called, “Grumpy Old White Men.”

San Francisco will be asked to secede from the Union

Dick Cheney will completely disappear

Iraqis will rebuild Saddam’s statue

The first verifiable alien-human contact will be caught on videotape at the Delmar, Iowa Gas ‘N Go.

The Republican Party will be declared a criminal enterprise under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) and forced to disband.

Oprah will buy Chicago

The National Enquirer will break the news that George Bush was caught in gay tryst under the headline, “Brokeback Rose Garden.”

Barak Obama will take the stage name B-Prez and make a Hip Hop CD

The U.S. will invade Iran with forces made up primarily of Boy Scouts, security guards and motorcycle gangs

Tofu will be deemed an illegal substance in three southern states with stiff fines and prison terms for distributing

Satangate rocks the nation's capital

Recently leaked visitor records from Vice President Cheney’s office reveal a startling number of visits by Satan over the past six years. According to the records, the Vice President saw Satan more than 23 times since 2000.

Asked about the numerous meetings between the VP and the Prince of Darkness, a White House spokesperson said, “Vice President Cheney always meets with a wide variety of dignitaries and thought leaders to gather input prior to decision making. Satan is one voice among many. The relationship between the Vice President and Satan goes back many years, and Mr. Cheney respects the unique perspective Lucifer brings to the issues that face our nation.”

The Devil was not immediately available for comment, but his office provided a brief written response to our queries.

“Satan considers Vice President Cheney a close personal friend and has made himself available for consultation on occasion. Contrary to rumors, Satan has never ‘written policy’ for the Vice President nor have any deals been struck or contracts signed between the administration and the Evil One.”

Democrats are calling for an investigation into what is now being referred to as ‘Satangate.’ House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said she was shocked by the revelations.

“If true, this is outrageous. Satan is a huge contributor to the Republican party and has benefited in many ways from the policies of this administration. To say these meetings were nothing more than a yakfest between old friends truly insults our intelligence. I am calling for a thorough investigation of this issue to begin as soon as possible.”

Satan is not a stranger in Washington, D.C. and is often sighted at parties given by the Capital’s A-listers.

Are the Democrats in Congress listening?

The irony never ends in Bushworld. George, who seems intent on turning his Iraq horror show into a world-wide catastrophe, has been on a listening tour. A listening tour?

Helloooo. George? How about listening to the American people? They are telling you in no uncertain terms to pull our troops out of Iraq. They are screaming, “STOP THE MADNESS.”

Unfortunately, Bush only takes his fingers out of his ears for people who agree with him. He didn’t like what he heard from the Iraq Study Group (“I can’t hear yoooou”). He certainly doesn’t like what he hears from poll after poll on what Americans think about the war. So he’s scouring the country to find bobble heads who will confirm his delusions. It should be called the “selective listening tour.”

Odds makers are betting he will send more troops to Iraq, which is—in keeping with a long established pattern—exactly the wrong thing to do. Hey kids, let’s put out the fire by pouring gasoline on it. Let’s win the hearts and minds of Iraqis by killing them.

Congress must stop King George from committing more life-ending blunders. Nancy. Harry. Please, put impeachment back on the table, and soon. The people are talking to you, too. Are you listening?

Not Roses and Tears

A lady in red dances on your grave

Her bare feet are sore and dirty, but you…you are dead

Can you feel her twirling, leaping, rolling on the grass above you?

She seems exuberant that you can no longer move

Flailing arms, kicking legs, she snaps her head at the moon

It is all sinewy muscles stretching and retracting with beautiful tension

So quiet you can hear her joints singing

Is it cold down there?

Christmas gift ideas for George Bush

A new watch to help him tell time…as in, it’s time to leave Iraq. It’s time to stop going with your gut. It’s time to listen to people who are smarter than you (this would include most Americans).

A shovel and hip boots

A heart transplant

A six-week stay at the Baghdad Hilton

A subpoena

EFL (English as a First Language) lessons

One-way ticket to Paraguay

A bicycle with training wheels

A subscription to “Out” magazine

Bush's response to the Iraq Study Group's report

The statement of President George Bush on receiving the Iraq Study Group report at a White House meeting today.

“Let me just say that I had the report read to me last night and believe me or not, I stayed awake through the whole thing. While it doesn’t contain the eternal truths found in “My Pet Goat,” or the bible, it is quite dramatic in its own right. I will definitely put it in my library. Now, a lot of people have said that I would disagree with the conclusions of this report, and they’re right. Leaving Iraq, even talking about leaving Iraq, anytime over the next two years is simply handing the country over to the enemy. After two years, who cares? But that is my point. I am not going to abandon the Iraqi people while I am president. They are evil, godless heathens, but I will not abandon them. That’s not what I’m about. It’s a great report. A wonderful report. But I urge all Americans to ignore it. For now. Thank you.”

Bye, bye, Bolton

John Bolton, the man who once quipped that if the U.N. lost ten stories it wouldn’t make any difference, and who was subsequently nominated to be U.N. ambassador (it makes perfect sense in Bushworld), has resigned. What’s Bolton to do now? Here are a few suggestions for the contentious, quick-tempered conservative:

Radio talk show host. “Oh yeah? My moustache could kick your ass.”

Marriage counselor. “He’s ugly and you’re fat. Can we agree on that?”

Good humor man. “Officer, the kid tried to stiff me for a quarter. He’s lucky a baseball bat was all I could get my hands on.”

Cowboy. “Whataya mean, have I ever seen Brokeback Mountain?”

Waiter. “Your soup’s cold? Here, let me piss in it. That’ll warm it up.”

Sunday school teacher. “I don’t care what your mommies and daddies said. You’re all going straight to hell. Any questions?”

The George W. Bush Center For Children Who Can't Think or Speak Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Bush is trying to raise $500 million to build his library and a think tank at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

A library and a think tank.

What could I write that is funnier than that?

However, I do offer a name suggestion: The George W. Bush Center For Children Who Can't Think or Speak Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

What’s even more galling is that there is no attempt to hide the purpose of this enterprise, which is to refurbish Bush’s reputation for future generations (a Herculean effort to be sure). They’re going to hire ideologically sympathetic scholars, all three of them, who will write glowing books and papers about the Bush presidency.

In other words, they’re going to rewrite history.

Black is white. Good is bad. Welcome to the Bush Library.

Yes, in MY backyard. Yuck.

From Metro.co.uk:

A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.

20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.

He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' – but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal, the Duluth News Tribune reports.

Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week that claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'

He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.

He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the broader interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.

In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.

Judge Michael Lucci noted when hearing the arguments that: 'I'm a little surprised this issue hasn't been tackled before in another case.'

If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.

A son only a father could love

That’s Going Too Far! obtained this transcript of a phone conversation recorded from an unsecured line between George Bush junior and his father on Wednesday, November 8.

Georgie? You There?

Dad. Uh, Dad?

Yeah?

I…I screwed up the country. Bad. Could use a little help here.

This isn’t the best time, Georgie. Your mother and I are in Palm Springs golfing. Isn’t Uncle Jim there yet?

Yeah, he’s here, but he’s always in meetings. I can’t get him to stop and talk to me.

George, that’s very reassuring.

Huh?

He’s there to help you. We’ll get this Iraq thing figured out—

Dad, there’s nothing to figure out about Iraq. I’ve told the American people we will stay until we achieve victory.

Right. Hold on… (in the background) Babs, you don’t want to use a four iron here. Jesus, somebody get her the right club. Okay? (back on the phone) Son, you’ve got to let go. Iraq’s going down the shitter faster than grease through a goose. You’re going to have to make some compromises.

(loudly) Compromises? You want me to compromise with the terrorists?

Don’t you raise your voice to me, young man. This is your dad, not some fawning blowhard from FOX.

But the terrorists are out there. Waiting for me.

Waiting for you to what?

Just waiting for me.

Son. Are you drinking?

Well….

Listen. I have to tee off now. You just do whatever Jimmy tells you to do. Okay?

But Dad, I’m the President.

Listen to your Daddy. (talking to someone nearby) Yeah, It’s Georgie. No. He’s fine. Everything’s fine. He’ll call you later. (back on the phone) Call your mother tonight. You hear?

Yes, Daddy.

How’s Laura?

Who?

Your wife.

She’s okay, I guess.

I have to go now. Just don’t get into Uncle Jim’s way. He’s got a lot to do.

Okay, Daddy. Bye.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

Conservative ideology is a house of cards

Post-election analysis is running hot and heavy. I have my own theory about what happened this past Tuesday, and it’s one you won’t hear from the mainstream media.

Conservatism, as embodied by Bush, Cheney, Rove and, unfortunately, millions of Americans, is simply unworkable in a democracy. The backward-looking philosophy of today’s religious conservatives has as its foundation a house of cards: superstition, self-interest, cynicism, conventional wisdom, bigotry and a penchant for violence. No ideology so built on lies and ignorance can withstand the power of the people indefinitely. There is only one option for the Bushes and Cheneys and O’Reillys to make their worldview seem to work, and that is to do away with democracy.

The frightening thing is that key people in the Bush administration know that democracy is the enemy of their beliefs. That’s the reason they spent five-and-a-half years working night and day to give the President more and more singular authority. You see the only way you can implement the political philosophy of the religious right is through a dictatorship.

Untenable ideologies require a strong man, a father figure with absolute authority, to tell you what is right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. There is no room for criticism in a dictatorship, nor is there room for non-conforming scientific results, schools that teach children to think on their own or opposing political parties. A dictator is never wrong.

It is clear the administration was taking advantage of a Republican House, Senate and judiciary to push for dictatorial powers. Their beliefs could not live in a world of competing ideas, thus only a society without competing ideas would do.

It still seems unbelievable that we came so close to losing our country in such a relatively short time, historically speaking. We have been saved for now by the success of the Democrats in the mid-term elections, which will finally put the brakes on this out-of-control administration. However, we need to begin now to patch the cracks in our political system that let this nightmare happen in the first place, from election fraud to overhauling campaign financing, there is much work to be done.

Thankfully, we can get started in January.

Election reflection

On the national level, today’s results couldn’t make me happier. Election day saw the American people wrestle Congress back from the self-serving, corrupt cabal of Bush yes-men. They sent an unequivocal message to the Bushoviks that this administration’s policies and positions are not just unpopular, but wrong, and they won’t stand for it anymore. Bush refused to listen to the people until yesterday. Now he must. And it was a great day for new Democratic governors and state legislators, too.

Here in Minnesota, however, it was a good news/bad news scenario. On the bright side, Democrat Amy Klobuchar gave Bush lap dog Mark Kennedy a well-deserved roundhouse kick to the head and is on her way to Washington. We are sending the first Muslim to Congress. And a tough, smart Lori Swanson is the new attorney general.

On the down side, the RNC pumped in just enough millions of dollars to help the mentally unbalanced Michele Bachmann go to Congress. The woman who speaks to God and eagerly submits to her husband’s will should get along smashingly with GW. They can hold three-way conversations with the Almighty in the Oval Office.

For me, the biggest disappointment of the evening by far was Pawlenty’s win over Mike Hatch for governor. It was so close well into the early morning hours that we all held out a sliver of hope that we’d wake up in the morning to the tune of a Hatch acceptance speech. Unfortunately, that was not to be. I did have a personal interest in the outcome of this race, and it was very tough to watch the best man lose. Mike is pure Minnesota through and through and would have made an outstanding governor. Democrats were looking forward to a governor who would work hard for the teachers and cab drivers and short order cooks and the poor; in other words, all Minnesotans. Instead we got Pawlenty, the conservative ideologue behind the boyish grin who is much more comfortable around corporate CEOs and special interest groups than the people who maintain the grounds at the governor’s mansion. This was a very tough loss.

We move on. America has suffered through a long night of corruption, cynicism, ignorance and fear, but with yesterday’s results, there is reason to hope that the sun will rise again and we can then rediscover the progressive democratic principles upon which this country was founded.

Election Day: When pundits attack

Desperate Republicans are pulling out all the stops on this election day.

Conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham today told listeners they should jam a voter protection hotline with calls. And this was one of the milder suggestions from personalities on the political right.

FOX pundit Bill O’Reilly said people who vote Democratic should be given armbands and patches brandishing a large capital “D” that they must wear at all times in public.

Michael Savage claims he is taking a county sheriff with him to a nearby voting location to have every Democratic voter arrested for treason.

Never one to be upstaged when it comes to advocating violence, Ann Coulter is bringing her three pit bulls with her when she votes. She claims the dogs can, “smell liberal meat,” and will attack at the slightest whiff.

And then here is former comedian Dennis Miller, who, having thrown away his career and his pride, says he will, “Go down today as a martyr for America.” Miller would not furnish any details.

Finally, Sean Hannity of Hannity & Colmes, issued a press release this morning stating that Michael Moore is now a prisoner in his own house and there are only two ways he can escape the detonation of a small nuclear device and certain death. He must either saw off both of his legs using only the brim of his baseball cap or register and vote as a Republican.

Good luck, Michael.

Bush to clear brush on his Paraguay ranch? What's behind this escape clause?

I continue to find the report of Papa Bush’s large land acquisition in Paraguay intriguing. Of course, the story immediately brings to mind images of 43 and his entourage scurrying onto flights in the middle of the night and heading south. And that may be exactly what the land is for, but I also wonder about the circumstances under which such a drastic measure would be taken.

Over the last five plus years, Bush and his administration have lied and blundered their way from one mess to another. There is no question in many people’s minds that this is a totally corrupt syndicate of politicos that has only one goal: self-enrichment. Bush has committed many sins both large and small during his tenure, and I have no doubt whatsoever that some are impeachable offenses. But there’s the rub.

Even if Bush is impeached during his last two years, which is doubtful, it only means he must forfeit his office. Impeachment in and of itself does not mean jail time or civil trials even when the President is found guilty. Now many will argue that President Bush and his crew have committed crimes that could result in criminal trials, war trials and possibly jail time. Perhaps, but Bush and Co. have money, tons of it, which means access to the best lawyers on the planet who will use every delaying tactic known to man. In addition, trials like these often can stretch out for years, possibly decades. Bush could live a long, prosperous life and never see the inside of a jail cell.

The Paraguay solution, if it is indeed an escape hatch, has to be thought of as an absolute last resort. It means leaving behind home, friends, family, associates, business interests, etc. So think about it. Of all the problems that Bush has caused over the years, and I’m sure there will be many more uncovered after he leaves office, what crime could he have committed that would be so horrendous, so shocking to the American people, as to necessitate leaving the country on a midnight plane to a remote South American country?

One comes to mind.

9/11.

Attention Minnesotans! Vote Hatch.

Vote for Mike Hatch for governor on Tuesday. Don't let the Republicans buy, bully or steal another election.

Hand me my tinfoil hat, please

I keep bumping into the Twin-Towers-were-brought-down-by-explosives 9/11 conspiracy theory during my online travels. As I have said before, I am a sucker for conspiracy theories (pun intended), and this one is certainly intriguing. The most interesting question I have about the events of 9/11, and the one I don’t think has ever been adequately answered is, why did the building known as WTC 7 collapse, exactly as one would expect if it were being demolished, even though it was not hit by a plane? There were some fires in the building, and it was damaged by debris, but if you watch video of the building collapsing on that day, it simply pancakes straight down into its own footprint.

I’m not a physicist or engineer, but there are plenty of experts who argue that the impact of the planes on the two towers that were hit and the resulting fires could cause the buildings to collapse. This conclusion is debatable, but it has no bearing on why WTC 7 collapsed. The official explanation that fires caused the building to fall simply defies logic.

The larger point I want to make is this: Why are people so eager to accept the government’s explanation of events when we know that our government has lied to us many times in the past, and the current administration lies every time it speaks? Why do people think it’s okay not to be skeptical of the “Official Story?” Our recent past as a nation is replete with real, honest-to-goodness conspiracies.

There was a conspiracy to keep the American people from knowing that our CIA was assassinating foreign leaders and interfering in the political affairs of sovereign nations during the 1950s and 1960s. There was a conspiracy to conceal what really happened in the Gulf of Tonkin incident, which was nothing. The story that catapulted the US into a bloody war costing 58,000 American lives was a lie. The Pentagon Papers. The Iran-Contra affair. CIA drug running. The run-up to the Iraq war. We know these were conspiracies because they were exposed. How much shit like this goes on under the radar?

Skepticism of the government’s explanation of things is healthy in a democracy. Unfortunately for our democracy, the corporate pundocracy in America is programmed to instantly heap ridicule on anyone who questions the party line. The attacks of 9/11 are a case in point. Questions exist, serious, large questions, but the blanket of political/corporate interests has been thrown over the questioners and all most Americans hear is a muffled cry. The truth is what George Bush says it is.

Do Americans deserve democracy? Stay tuned.

Has Rove lost control of Bush’s brain? Not that trying to make an imbecile sound coherent and thoughtful was ever an easy task, but there are signs that Rove has taken his hand off of the lever that controls the flow between Bush’s brain and his mouth. Bush seems to be thinking for himself, which means he sounds loonier than ever. Either that or the Republicans are so pathetically desperate they’ve hired Michael Savage to write Presidential speeches.

Think Progress, one of my current favorite sites, reports that Bush said to Sean Hannity that the worst thing about being President was the ugly tone in Washington, noting “I really don’t think it’s fitting for the president to drag the presidency into that kind of a mudslinging.” That was Tuesday. A day earlier on Monday, campaigning around the West, Bush told a group of supporters that his opponents, the Democrats, want America to lose and the terrorists to win.

Democrats want the terrorists to win? What’s going to be the theme of Bush’s next stump speech, “Democrats are coming to kill your babies?” I swear, if the Republicans manage to keep control of the House and Senate based on moronic scare tactics like this, there will be no question in my mind that we have the government we deserve.

I keep wanting to give the American people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to intelligence. I want to believe they are smarter than their actions indicate. The people in my life, at work, in my social circles, understand that Bush is an idiot and a grave threat to democracy. We aren’t intellectuals hanging our in Harvard square drinking espressos and smoking foreign cigarettes. We’re just working stiffs who take our kids Trick or Treating, shop at Cub and struggle to make ends meet every month.

Other than the spinmeisters at FOX and a few talk radio clowns, who in the hell takes Bush seriously? Evidently, quite a few people, which begs the question: "How can we have a functioning democracy when millions of Americans are too stupid to know they are being lied to over and over again by their own government?"

Maybe we can’t. We’ll find out in five days.