Satan to Endorse Candidate

In a video sent to the media yesterday from his office in the Underworld, Satan let it be known that he would be endorsing one of the Republican contenders for the presidency within the next few days. Although Old Nick did not make the pronouncement in his release, he did provide some not-so-subtle clues as to his thinking.

“I like Rick Santorum, and there’s nothing in the Constitution that says American’s can’t elect someone who is batshit crazy. I checked. But of late he’s been taking some swings at me that are, well let’s be honest, mean. Usually I have a pretty thick hide, but even Beelzebub has feelings. I mean, I’ve only met the guy a few times and he’s saying these horrible things about me. Now that’s going negative.”

There wasn’t much positive in his comments related to Mitt Romney, either.

“The one admirable quality that I find in Mitt Romney is his lack of conviction. The guy will say anything to be president. How cool is that? But the poor man is also devoid of a personality. I swear, even I have a hard time telling whether he’s human or not. I’ve seen corpses with more life than this guy. But seriously, the man’s not presidential material. A Mormon in the White House? Come on.”

When it came to discussing Newt Gingrich, the Devil’s tone changed remarkably.

“Newt and I go way back. Oh yeah. We had some crazy good fun back in the day. I remember this one time…oh, I can’t go into that here. But Newt’s a great guy. A two-faced lying, cheating, bombastic little ogre of a man, Newt’s got what it takes to pick up the baton from George Bush and effectively run this country into the ground. I think he has the ideas and intellect to do it.”

Lucifer also hinted that he would be starting a Super PAC to support his chosen candidate. “I want to call it the “Hell’s Bills” Super Pak. Get it? Hell’s Bills instead of Bells. I’d laugh at Satan’s jokes if I were you. Just kidding. Why so serious? I loved that movie. Loved it. Come on, let me fix you a drink.”

Baby Godfather

The Mitt Memo

As the Republican primaries continue, so does the ongoing battle between Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney over who is more conservative. In the midst of this heated contest, a possibly damaging memo from Romney’s inner circle has been leaked to the press. The document, believed to have been written by campaign co-chair Albert Margrove, appears to be a series of suggestions for bolstering Mr. Romney’s conservative credentials among Tea Party members.

February 16

Boss,

After yesterday’s cluster fuck, I sat down last night and thought about how can we turn this thing around and quickly. Let’s get down and dirty. Pull out all the stops. This weekend, we issue a press release—actually a manifesto—that redefines you as the REAL conservative in this race. No more Mr. Nice guy. I’ve got to think more about the details, but here are the main points we’d make in the release.

• Women will no longer be burdened by the complexity of full citizenship. They will not need to vote anymore and not be made to endure the difficulty of juggling work and family as they will be barred from obtaining jobs in many fields.
• We will rebuild pride in our country by requiring all citizens to wear flag pins and display a “Support our Troops” magnet on their vehicles.
• We will save the unborn by making pregnancy out of wedlock a federal crime and abortion a capital offense.
• We will reward hard work by eliminating all taxes on incomes over $1 million.
• We will stimulate the economy with large-scale, contracted building programs, i.e.:
o Wall topped by electric fence along the full length of the Mexican and Canadian border
o Drill for oil everywhere
o Physically separate San Francisco from the mainland
o Move the White House and Capital Building from DC to the U.S. Virgin Islands
o Build more nukes
o Add Reagan to Mt. Rushmore
o Invade somewhere
• Foreign affairs: Cut diplomatic ties to France, ship the Palestinians to Uzbekistan, put military bases anywhere we fucking please.
• We’ll enhance competitiveness by rolling back the minimum wage to 50 cents/hr
• Public safety: Instead of a chicken in every pot, we’ll put a gun in every house.
• To instill basic American values, church attendance will be mandatory and non-Christians, people of color and liberals will be given incentives to move to Canada.

Okay, these are just some ideas off the top of my head. When we’re done, we’ll make Rick Santorum look like Michael Moore. Let me know your thoughts.

Back in the saddle

So, I stepped out for a cup of coffee three years ago and….

Did you miss me?

Helloooooooooooo?

Anyway, they finally released me…oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to talk about that…but I will be posting again after my long absence. Let’s ease back into things with a couple of memes.

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Officers jump ship as the U.S.S Coleman continues to sink

LAKE MINNETONKA, MN – Although the captain and crew of the scow U.S.S Coleman have been bailing water for months, it now appears that even the ship’s highest-ranking officers realize their efforts are for naught. The ships fate at the hands of the icy blue waters of Lake Minnetonka is now almost assured.

Chief Communications Officer LeRoy Coleman (no relationship to the captain) rowed one of the remaining lifeboats ashore to join the Republican National Committee as director of media affairs. Only two weeks before, First Mate Cullen Sheehan abandoned her post on the Coleman to sign on as a RNC regional director.

The captain himself, never flagging in his belief that the ship could be made seaworthy again, has been seen sneaking ashore in the evenings to moonlight as a consultant with the Republican Jewish Coalition.

Over a pint of ale at the Cock and Crow, a former crewman on the Coleman confessed that the whole rescue attempt was a lost cause from the beginning.

“Ah Sir, we all knew there was very little hope in saving the old gal, sad as that be, and as time went on, it were clear the damage was too great to keep her afloat. But the Cap’n wouldn’t let go, and he was gettin’ orders from the shipping company bigwigs out East to try and save the old heap at all costs. There was no talkin’ sense to the man, I tell ya, and he’d walk the deck clicking those metal balls in his hand all night until you thought you was goin’ mad. Mad I sez.”

Some predict the U.S.S. Coleman will completely submerge and sink to its watery grave as early as this week.

The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's “Save My Ass” tour

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, “Save My Ass.” Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and newsrooms across America.

The publicist for the tour promises Dick will deliver many of his most famous routines plus new material that will leave audiences in a state of unyielding laughter.

“One of the new routines that people haven’t heard before relates to the bankruptcy of GM,” notes the press release. “Dick admits the Bush administration deliberately decided to pass the buck on GM and let President Obama deal with the problem. It’s timely, and too, too funny.”

The publicist also reveals another new bit called, “Blame the Other Dick.” With his patented sneer, Dick puts the blame for 9/11 squarely on the shoulders of Dick Clarke, the head of counterterrorism programs under Clinton and Bush. The set up begins with the former VP saying, “Clarke missed it when it came to foreseeing 9/11.” Then Dick brings down the house by reciting the titles of e-mails Clarke sent to Bush and company prior to 9/11.

“Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack” (May 3)
“Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot” (May 23)
“Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing” (May 26)
“Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent” (June 23)
“Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks” (June 30)
“Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays” (July 2)

The punch line? “The only thing Clarke didn’t do was bring Bin Laden to the Oval Office to discuss the time and date of the event.” Badda bing.

The finale is said to be a comedic coup de grace. After nearly eight years trying to convince the world there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda despite the evidence, Dick turns the tables on everyone and says, “On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that.” There’s nothing this man won’t say or do to get a laugh.

It’s no wonder Dick has earned the moniker, “The hardest working war criminal in show business.”

Thanks, Tim, for brightening up everyone’s day

Your local weather report:

Skies over Minnesota brightened today after Tim Pawlenty announced he would not run for a third term as governor. The persistent weather pattern since 2003 of gusty hot air, oppressive ideology, and an intellectual drought will lift next year as the governor vacates his Summit Avenue residence.

Periods of cautious hope will appear in the skies above us, followed by the blustery winds of the campaign season.

The long-range forecast is difficult but early indications are that Minnesotans are looking for the winds of change to sweep across the state bringing with them new, more forward-looking ideas.

There are, however, a few models predicting severe, damaging weather if Hurricane Bachmann or to a slightly lesser degree, Tornado Norm, gather force. The havoc they can wreak has already been felt by Minnesotans who find their state regressing into a period of darkness as a result of stale atmospheric conditions.

In Minnesota, we take our weather one day at a time, and today prospects brightened that there will be a sunnier future for our blue state.

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More

Obviously this headline is satirical. Right? Truth is, it’s from a recebt New York Times article. The headline leads into an article that examines the Boy Scout-affiliated Explorer Program, which is “…training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.”

Boy Scouts fighting terrorists. Who ever thought we’d come to this? Well, I did. About three years ago I wrote a bit of satire for my blog That’s Going to Far! which ridiculed this disquieting possibility. Now it has come to pass.

The great Washington Post columnist Art Buchwald once said, “You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.”

Northern exposure: Bush to call up the Scouts

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.

“It is true that our most immediate national security need is to secure our southern border. However, we cannot ignore the risks posed by a three thousand mile-long, largely unsecured border to our north. While our attention is diverted to the southern states, thousands of Al-Qaeda terrorists could be quietly slipping into America disguised in moose or squirrel costumes, forming sleeper cells in unsuspecting towns like International Falls or Fargo. The threat is real, and must be met.”

Today, I am calling up our brave young Americans in Boy Scout, Girl Scout and Cub Scout troops all along the northern tier of states, from Washington to Maine. Scout units will be stationed along the Canadian border at designated intervals for four-week rotations. The Scouts will be issued BB guns, slingshots and Swiss Army Knives with which they will secure our borders and allow Americans to sleep easy in their beds.”

Some of you may ask, ‘Is sending a nine-year old child out into the Northern woods with little more than Ritalin, a dull knife and a backpack full of Snickers bars a good idea?’” I say, give our children more credit. Sure they’ll miss their TVs and their mommies, but they know what it means to wear a uniform and that sacrifices are necessary in the war on terror. “

The first Scout units will be in position shortly after the end of school in June. Scout Masters will receive field promotions to full colonel and receive all respective benefits. All scouts will be given photocopies of known Al-Qaeda operatives, and they will be issued shoot-to-kill or really-really-hurt-bad orders.”

My fellow Americans, I know what it means to serve one’s country in uniform and the sacrifices that are required. I spent countless days away from home and family in strange nightclubs and at parties where I didn’t know a soul. It’s true. But America’s young people today understand that freedom isn’t free, and that everyone must do their part in the war on terror. All I can say is God bless them, and God bless you.”

Norm Coleman and the tragedy of hubris

The year was 1996, the early morning hours of a soul-deadening, frigid winter’s night. Mayor of St. Paul Norm Coleman, wearing his favorite smoking jacket and fez, sat brooding in an overstuffed chair near a dying fire, staring into a glass of bitterness. His one-time friends in the DFL had turned against him. Criticized him. Booed him at events.

Fools. Didn’t they know he had a destiny to fulfill? Couldn’t they visualize him delivering a speech on the floor of the Senate so powerful it would disrupt the time-space continuum? Didn’t they know that one day he would command generals and ambassadors and quivering foreign leaders to carry out his visionary policies as he paced to and fro in the Oval Office? “Apparently not,” he said aloud, startling a cat sleeping at his feet.

As he stirred the embers in his Meerschaum, a shadow emerged from the darkness sending icy chills down the mayor’s back. The cloaked figure spoke.

“Norm. I think you know why I am here,” it rattled.

“I know of no one who would present himself to me uninvited in the darkest hours of the morning, except….” Coleman shuddered.

“Yes. You do understand. Although I wouldn’t say I was ‘uninvited.’ You want to fulfill your destiny, and I want to help you do that by striking a bargain with you.”

“A bargain? What sort of bargain, Sir?”

“I can help you realize your dreams of political power…for a price.”

“And you are a fiend,” said Coleman, turning away from the specter in fear.

“Success. Power. All can be yours. The political winds are blowing strongly to the right, My Friend, and you must change allegiances to capitalize on this event. Switch parties, Norm. Give your soul to me, and you will achieve that which you so desire.”

“My soul? Now?”

“Not now. You have work to do. But there will come a day when we will consummate this bargain, and I will collect what you promise me.”

“When? When would that day be?”

“When the winds change again, Norm. If they ever do.”

Coleman stood and contemplated this vexing proposal. “The Democrats have rejected me, and they are weak and in disarray. Americans have always been conservative at heart, and I do not think that will change any time soon. Certainly not in my lifetime.”

“Then we have a deal?” hissed the shadow.

“We have a deal,” agreed Coleman. “I willingly put my future in the hands of the Republican Party. This cannot go wrong. But who, pray tell, are you?”

“I am known by many names, but you can call me, ‘Mr. Cheney.’ Until we meet again.” And with that, the phantom vanished back into the darkness beyond the last remnants of firelight.

Michelle Bachmann: Call of the Loon

The loon is our state bird. Don’t laugh. Nothing can moisten the eye of a Minnesotan quicker than hearing the eerie, tremulous call of a loon from the middle of a mist-covered lake.

We love loons so much we sent one to Congress. Yep. One of the bluer states in America elected a notorious right-wing evangelical ideologue to represent it in Washington D.C. Twice. Actually, calling sixth district Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “right-wing” is kind of like calling Minnesota winters “brisk.” Bachmann is truly in a category all by herself.

During her tenure representing ‘the fighting sixth,” Bachmann has eagerly shared her bizarre spin on the issues during numerous television and radio appearances and with her colleagues in Congress. This woman is not afraid to speak her mind, and for that reason, Bachmann has carved out a noteworthy niche among her fellow representatives: Looniest gal in the room.

You may remember Bachmann’s YouTube splash after Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address when she put a death grip on the president’s shoulder and wouldn’t let go. The over-heated Bachmann was a millisecond away from being escorted out of the event by men who talk into the sleeves of their trenchcoats. Then, when Bush came to Minneapolis after a major bridge collapse, Bachmann claimed the president attempted to assuage her distress by examining her tonsils with his tongue (she euphemistically said “kiss”) during an inspection of the wreckage.

“Oh, John,” you non-Minnesotans argue, “Bachmann can’t be any worse than (fill in your congressperson).” Well, yes she can. But please don’t let me prattle on. Bachmann has no qualms about speaking for herself.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

“We’re running out of rich people in this country."

We do love loons in Minnesota. Wait, I hear one calling now. Or is that another Bachmann press conference?

Swine Flu or Swine Flew?

DES MOINES, IA - As the cases of Swine Flu continue to multiply around the globe, a parallel outbreak of Swine Flew is plaguing farmers and rural residents throughout the U.S.

Iowa hog farmer David Lyons described the startling phenomena. “I came out of the house about six in the morning, and I saw three of my sows floating up in the air. They’d grown wings overnight and were flying…like really big birds. I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t move, but then they just flew off over that cornfield and that’s the last I seen of them.”

Experiences similar to Lyons’ have been reported by dozens of other hog farmers throughout the Midwest.

“Half of my hogs flew off yesterday to God-knows-where,” said Ted Zigler, a Kansas hog producer. “If this keeps up, I’m going to go broke. I’ll have to switch to growing Tofu.”

Like so many others, Lisa Conklin of rural Wisconsin said she never thought she’d see the day when pigs could fly. “I always used to say, ‘Yeah, that’ll happen when pigs fly. Now they are.”

Conklin expressed a concern raised by many Americans since the onset of Swine Flew. “Let’s just pray that monkey’s don’t start flying out of our asses.”

Republicans Polled: Top Presidential Picks Include Joe the Plumber and Bob the Builder

Washington D.C. - A just released national presidential preference poll of Republican voters has surprised politicians and pundits alike. The poll clearly demonstrates that conservative voters are unhappy with mainstream political candidates and are pushing farther to the edge of Right Wing ideology.

Conservative columnist George Will was perplexed. “I don’t get it. There are people on this list who aren’t even people. Have we truly become this desperate?”

FOX News pundit Sean Hannity’s comment on the poll results was succinct. “We’re in deep doo doo.”

The one dissenter among national conservative figures was former Vice President Dick Cheney. “With a few exceptions, I think it’s an admirable list of great Americans. The Republican party would be wrong not to listen to the will of the people.”

Here is the Republican voters’ list of favored candidates for the 2012 presidential election.

Joe the Plumber
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Ted Nuggent
Sarah Palin
Bob the Builder
The Verizon Guy
Betty Crocker
Hannah Montana
Billy Bob Thornton
Matt Drudge
Dick Cheney

Limbaugh Tortures Self. Confesses to Masterminding 9/11

After slapping himself again during a broadcast to demonstrate the banality of CIA torture techniques, radio personality Rush Limbaugh surprised his audience by confessing on air that he is, in fact, a fat, lying buffoon who got beaten up a lot as a kid.

Limbaugh seemed shocked by his own admission, but, after several more self-inflicted slaps, owned up to his drug problem and to having a secret crush on Michelle Obama.

A tearful Limbaugh asked for forgiveness. “I’ve made a career out of stoking the fires of hate and bigotry. I was wrong. So very wrong. And I have a secret offshore tax shelter, and a mistress, and I shot Kennedy, and 9/11 was an inside job. I planned it myself. Just don’t hit me again. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

As the telephone lines in the studio began lighting up like a theater marquee, the program’s producer finally pulled the plug on the right-wing pundit in mid-sob.

Congressional Democrats Have Their Own List

Washington, D.C. — In response to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), who claims to have a list of 17 socialists in congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she has compiled a list of 178 clinically insane members of congress. Although this figure corresponds to the exact number of Republicans in the House, Pelosi insisted this was a coincidence.

“Insanity does not recognize party lines, however, if you are a Republican, the chances that you are insane rise dramatically,” said the Speaker.

When asked to name the 178 insane congresspeople, Pelosi handed out a map of the House floor with the Republican side of the aisle highlighted in red.

“They congregated together,” said Pelosi.

Outraged Republicans issued a press release denouncing Pelosi and readjusting the number of socialists in congress upward to 257.

Texas Threatens to Secede. Rest of U.S.: “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Austin, Texas — In recent statements, Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has suggested that the state of Texas might consider seceding from the Union in response to President Obama’s national policies. The Lone Star State was once a republic, and Gov. Perry is threatening to return to that status “if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people.”

However, in the rest of the country there is jubilation at the prospect of ridding the United States of Texas.

“It’s an albatross around our necks,” said Otis Meyers, a construction worker from Portland, Oregon. “I mean, what’s their contribution to America? The Bush family? Line dancing? Crappy beer?”

Janice Sterns, a police officer from Columbus, Ohio, agreed. “They think of themselves as another country already and speak a different language. I say let them have it.”

High school teacher Ken Eldridge of Denver, Colorado was also in favor of Texas leaving the Union. “It’s a good start. Now if we can just get the rest of the South to follow Texas’s lead, we’d be in great shape.”

McPalin Last Ditch Effort: Obama the Anti-Christ

Washington, D.C. – In a move many consider an act of desperation, presidential hopeful John McCain and his pick for VP Sarah Palin, used their final campaign stops to accuse Obama of being the Anti-Christ foretold in the bible.

“Why hasn’t anybody taken a look at Obama’s scalp for the little “666” tattooed there? Asked McCain at a Cleveland rally attended by a crowd in the dozens. “Come on, people. Is there a picture of Obama actually in a church? I haven’t seen it. Have you ever seen Obama with his shoes off? Could he be hiding cloven hooves? We cannot take the chance that we will put Beelzebub in the highest office of the most powerful country on earth.”

Palin carried a similar message to a handful of supporters in Atlanta.

“I have personally seen Obama breath fire on a puppy. It’s true. You don’t see him kissing babies because he’ll burn their tiny little faces if he does. Wouldn’t look good on the 10 o’clock news. That Obama guy is here to enslave all of us and kidnap white virgin females for orgies in the Oval Office. How can any red-blooded American person vote for that? Satan or John McCain? The answer is obvious.”

Obama’s campaign has not responded to the charges. “He’s busy taking measurements at the White House,” said an unidentified aide.

Creepy Gnome Returns

Argentina's Creepy Gnome reappeared last week in a new locale, the town of Clodomira, Santiago del Estero province. Similar to the first episode, the phone-video sequence starts with footage of young people out late talking and dancing. Soon a black speck is visible on the screen moving up the dimly lit street toward the group. As it draws closer, the pointy-headed pygmy can be made out strolling awkwardly along the sidewalk. There is a terrified scream as the figure nears, and the video suddenly stops.

Authorities investigating the incident say they found no little person in the vicinity, but did discover a note tacked to a telephone pole that was signed, “Creepy Gnome.” The content of the note has been made public in hopes that someone might recognize the style or content and contact the police.

Dear friends,

As I sit by my small woodland fire writing this, I cannot help but recount the familiar words of the Bard from Act 2, Scene 7 of “As You Like it:”

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts...

Good people of Clodomira, I have played many parts in my life. Ambassador’s son. Oxford student. Successful diplomat. Advisor to world leaders. Then, for reasons only God knows, my near perfect existence started to implode. My beloved wife left me for a tattood carni named Garft who somehow was able to satisfy her in ways that I could not.

Then, while on the rebound from losing the love of my life, I was kidnapped by gypsies in Istanbul. They forced me to dress as a deformed child for the purpose of eliciting donations. Needless to say, I felt a prisoner, was a prisoner, and began drinking heavily and smoking opium.

I managed to escape from my tormentors somewhere in Uzbekistan, and made my way through field and forest to the shores of the Mediterranean, where I stowed away on an oil tanker bound for Brazil. In Sao Paulo, I was taken in by a friendly man who said he made nature videos, but whom I quickly discovered was a pornographer who specialized in bestiality. The shame of that period lingers with me still.

From there I have traveled through the jungles and mountains and barrios of this huge continent, searching for peace and a warm bed, but finding only scorn and humiliation. I plead with you that the next time you see me, you do not run in fear or scream, but extend your hand and show mercy to one so small who has suffered so greatly.

Sartre understood my world when he wrote: “Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough.”

I feel I have hurt quite enough.

Desmond R. Whitherton III, aka Creepy Gnome

Michele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals

In an interview with a Minneapolis radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals.

“It’s a win/win situation,” said Bachmann. “Cattle farmers will no longer have to pay for expensive feed or fertilizer, and we’ll get rid of all those un-American, terrorist-loving liberals at the same time. It’s perfect.”

Asked whether this wouldn’t be considered mass murder or genocide, Bachmann scoffed. “That would only apply if we were talking about real Americans. Then it would be a crime. But these are liberals. Don’t you see? They hate America and every thing it stands for. Why should they be allowed to suck up perfectly good air? That’s the real question.”

A caller wondered how the process would work and whether there might be a financial reward for turning in liberals. “Oh, absolutely,” Bachmann replied. “We would have to depend on our citizens to do the patriotic thing and hand over any liberals they know to the government. Our nation is at stake here people. This is serious.”

Bachmann said she has held talks with national feed and fertilizer companies, and that they have expressed guarded interest in the idea.

Palin opens gift shop on her website

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters. “Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket,” said the staff member overseeing the endeavor. Product offerings have created a stir among Democrats who object to what they claim are racially charged items.

“Here’s one example,” said a representative from the Democratic National Committee (DNC). “They sell a ‘Palin Rally Pack’ that consists of a pitchfork, a torch, and rope. What kind of message is that trying to send?”

The DNC representative was also upset by the ‘B.O. silhouette for target practice.’ A spokesperson for Palin claimed the B.O. initials stood for ‘Black Oppressor” and not Barak Obama.

The DNC rep was not convinced. “Either way, it’s racially tinged. They’re appealing to bigots and racists and inciting them toward violence.”

According to the Palin team, the hottest selling item is the Anthrax Stationary Set, which includes the addresses of every senator and congressperson now in office. “As attractive as it is,” noted the gift shop director, “the paper and ink are untraceable. It’s the perfect Christmas gift.”

Couric interview shocker: Palin can’t remember children’s names

New York City, NY - In a previously unreleased segment of Katie Couric’s recent interview with McCain running mate Sarah Palin, Couric asked Palin about her children and how they would react if Mommy was vice president of the United States. Palin initially denied she had any children, but when pressed, admitted that they did exist.

Couric: Why would you say you don’t have any children when you clearly do?

Palin: I thought we were talking about undocumented workers.

Couric: That was several questions ago.

Palin: My family is very special to me. I love them all very, very much.

Couric: Now your children have interesting and unique names. Can you talk about how you chose their names?

Palin: No.

Couric: Excuse me?

Palin: I’d rather not discuss my personal life.

Couric: You brought your family to the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret you have five children. I just wanted to know about their names.

Palin: Can we talk about offshore drilling? I have notes on that.

Couric: What are your children’s names?

Palin: I would be more than happy to get back to you regarding that question.

Couric: Your husband?

Palin: John…Todd. Oh, now you’ve really got me flustered. I feel like the media has my life under a telescope.

McCain Team Demands Eleventh-hour Concessions in VP Debate

Representatives from John McCain’s campaign have given the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) a list of demands related to the debate scheduled for this Thursday evening. Democrats angrily responded by claiming the maneuver was a blatant attempt to rig the debate in Sarah Palin’s favor.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said a McCain representative, who asked to remain anonymous. “These are really quite minor adjustments that should not have any impact on the debate itself.”

A copy of the demands was leaked to the press and highlights are reprinted here.

Questions addressed to Mrs. Palin may only include the following topics: Clothes, moose hunting, snowmobiling, make-up, Jesus.

Mr. Biden may not look at Mrs. Palin during the debate.

Mr. Biden may only answer questions in Mycenaean Greek

Mrs. Palin will be allowed to wear electronic devices that may or may not involve a helmet.

Following every response by Mr. Biden, the moderator will say, “That is the most ridiculous answer I’ve ever heard, even from a Satan-loving liberal. Don’t you agree, Governor Palin?”

Following each question for Mrs. Palin, she will be allowed five minutes to confer with advisors before answering.

Mrs. Palin will be declared the winner. Period.

Obama/Biden hire Jedi master Yoda as new communications director

Michelle Bachmann: McCain Betrayed Me

Washington, D.C. – A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president’s spot.

“I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can’t be happening. He’s selected a nobody from virtually another country when I’m standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?”

The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. “I’m more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I’m prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?”

Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. “He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, ‘I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.’ But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I’m late for therapy. Thank you all.”

Red State Americans: Should You Vote?

As the presidential election draws near, it’s the perfect time to reflect on our duty as citizens to be informed voters. Unfortunately, not everyone who is eligible to vote should vote. That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn’t mean you’re qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn’t automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a more thoughtful, well-informed voter.

#1
The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Chuck Norris
e) Flavor Flav

#2
The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) pituitary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian

#3
The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta

#4
The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin

#5
The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) a drunk
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces

#6
What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys eat their entrails
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) George and Laura do it

#7
Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 398
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two

#8
You have to be at least 4 feet 10 inches tall to vote.

T
F

#9
The President’s official residence is The _____ House

a) Round
b) White
c) Out
d) Brick
e) Fun

#10
Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Chaos
e) Iowa

If you missed any answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you are required by law to turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

Caught on tape: John McCain’s VP deliberations

Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.

Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.

McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.

Voice: Yes Sir.

McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?

Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.

McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.

Voice: Here’s her picture.

McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.

Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.

McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.

Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.

McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.

Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.

McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”

Voice: Sir. Are you all right?

McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.

Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—

McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.

Voice: But—

McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.

Voice: Yes sir.

McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.

President Bush prepares nation for Gustav

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

President Bush prepares nation for Gustov

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustov approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

Cindy McCain: “I’m buying the presidency for John’s birthday.”

Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate John McCain, told a group of reporters that she is going to buy the presidency of the United States as a gift for John’s seventy-second birthday.

“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”

Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.

“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”

John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.

“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”

A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.

“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”

McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.

Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.

An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.

“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”

Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.

“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”

A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.

“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”

McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.

Bush on Maliki – “She’s my bitch.”

Washington, D.C. — At a press conference today, President Bush was asked how he was able to persuade Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to withdraw his previous endorsement of a timetable for withdrawal of American troops. The President was blunt.

“She’s my bitch. That’s how. Look, these are some type of subhuman species. They’re not fully developed human beings like you or I. They need to be told what to do every minute of the day otherwise they start thinking for themselves and…and of course, disaster ensues.”

President Bush was asked whether Iraq was indeed a sovereign nation or merely a puppet regime designed to do Washington’s bidding.

“No. Iraq is a nation. They’ve had elections. Okay? Now, it’s kind of like a Boy Scout troop. You let the scouts have their say, give their input, but at the end of the day it’s the scoutmaster who has the final say.”

One reporter said the statement sounded paternalistic.

“What?” asked Bush. “Patterns? You think it has something to do with patterns? Like a quilt?”

Bush ended his press conference with a note of confidence for Maliki.

“He’s a good man. I’ve looked in his eyes and seen a wise and good man. A wise and good man without a spine, a frightened man, which is the best kind of wise and good man.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann Advocates Backyard Oil Rigs

Washington, D.C. – During a teleconference today, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that to help cut gas prices, congress should open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, and allow for the expansion of oil exploration in other areas including Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and off the Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf of Mexico coasts.

Bachmann went a step further and said every patriotic family in America should drill for oil in their own backyard.

“Let’s put American ingenuity to work on an individual basis. Most homeowners have a shovel. I say, start digging. If you can get your hands on an oil rig, all the better. But let’s not just sit on our rears watching Wheel of Fortune while gas prices skyrocket. Government can’t do everything.”

A reporter asked Bachmann about the practicality of trying to dig for oil with a shovel.

“Look, I don’t know the technicalities involved in drilling for oil. I just know you make a hole and the oil spurts up. How hard is that? Heck, Jed on the Beverly Hillbillies struck oil by shooting into the ground. So buy guns, people. Shoot the ground. Let’s get creative, America.”

During the interview, Bachmann had nothing but praise for President Bush and his energy policies, saying, “He could drill in my backyard anytime.”

White House Denies Significance of New Locks

Washington, D.C. – There was frenzied speculation inside the Beltway yesterday after it was revealed that President Bush had ordered all of the White House locks changed. A spokesperson for the White House said that this was nothing more than a regular security measure, but members of Barack Obama’s campaign team were suspicious.

“Why is he changing the locks now?” wondered one Obama supporter. “And what about the new machine gun installations and the bars? What kind of message is Bush sending?”

The spokesman was referring to the recently installed machine gun/missile launching structures on the White House roof and the iron bars placed over all first floor windows. In her daily press conference, White House Press Secretary Dana Parino dismissed the concerns of the Obama camp.

“This is typical election year posturing on their part. These security measures have been in the works for several years and just now got the go ahead from congress. There is nothing more to it than that.”

When questioned about the funding for the so-called security measures at the White House, senate majority leader Harry Reid said Democrats in congress were told the money was for grounds maintenance and a new coat of paint.

“They lied to us,” said an incredulous Reid. “As hard as it is for me and other congressional Democrats to believe, this administration out-and-out lied to us. What did they think? That we wouldn’t approve the money if they told us the truth? It’s never been an issue before this. To me, it just shows a lack of trust and good will on the part of this administration.”

Karl Rove Named New Presidential Envoy to Paraguay.

Washington, D.C. – Embattled former Bush advisor Karl Rove held an impromptu teleconference this morning form his new office somewhere in northern Paraguay. Sweating profusely, Mr. Rove appeared to be delivering his announcement from inside a small metal hut. His speech was interrupted several times by chickens fighting in the background and what appeared to be native tribesmen pointing machetes at Rove and screaming. The text of Mr. Rove’s speech:

“Fellow Americans. I am very excited and honored to tell you that President Bush asked me yesterday to spearhead a new diplomatic initiative in the strategic South American country of Paraguay. As a special envoy, I will work to establish strong diplomatic ties with the Paraguayan government and oversee the building of a strategic complex to house other American diplomats who will work with me on this endeavor in the future. I truly regret not being able to testify before congress, which I was honestly looking forward to, but my duty to my country and my president must come first. God bless America. Thank you.”

Some on the far left have suggested that Rove went to Paraguay to escape criminal prosecution in the United States because there is no extradition treaty with that country’s government, a charge vigorously denied by a White House spokesperson.

“Everyone knows Karl loves Paraguay and its people. This was an opportunity for him to work in an environment where he can really make a difference. To suggest otherwise is to provide our terrorist enemies with fodder for their propaganda efforts.”

The aide refused to say when Mr. Rove would return to the United States.

It didn't take longa, Obama

Well, so much for Obama. His vote today in support of the FISA bill granting telecomm immunity was shameful. Broken promises and he’s not even president yet. Just like Bill Clinton, Obama played progressives like a violin in the primaries, only to take his hand off the strings to give us the finger in the run up to the general election. And the Democrats in congress have turned their backs on the people who elected them one more time.

Hell, I was plenty cynical before all of this and it only means one more chalk mark on my massive Wall of Political Disillusionment. The world won’t end because of Obama’s vote, but it is clearly one more nail in the coffin of America.

Cheney Shoots Self in Face. Face Will Not Press Charges.

Cheyenne, WY – Vice President Cheney shot himself in the face today while hunting pheasant southeast of Cheyenne. The injury is not life threatening, doctors say, but will result in facial scaring and the need to wear an eye-patch, which, according to doctors, lifted Cheney’s spirits when he heard the news.

Asking to remain anonymous, a fellow hunter in Cheney’s group described what happened.

“We had all been drinking for a day or two — can’t remember how long exactly — and someone said we should go out and kill something, which is always a favorite activity of Mr. Cheney’s. So we went to some nearby fields to flush out pheasants or dogs or whatever. Like I said, we were pretty liquored up, so it was kind of a clusterfuck.

“The accident happened really fast. I was next to Dick when a pheasant takes off in front of us. Of course I’m going to defer to the vice president when it comes to who gets to shoot first, so I look over at him and I see he’s aiming at the bird with his shotgun turned completely around. The barrel’s pointing right at his face. Before I could shout out, he pulled the trigger and…well, you know the rest.”

The office of the vice president issued a press release denying that there was any drinking of alcoholic beverages and claimed Mr. Cheney’s face inadvertently got in the way when he tried to shoot a bird.

“This was a tragic accident, but the vice president’s face was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no hard feelings between the vice president and his facial features and there will be no legal action taken.”

New White House poll Gives Bush 95% Approval Rating

Washington, D.C. – Surprising new poll numbers show George Bush has a 95% approval rating, up some seventy points from previous polls. These numbers fly in the face of numerous nationally recognized polls that have placed Mr. Bush at historically low ratings among presidents.

Asked about this astonishing leap, a White House spokesman explained the numbers this way. “This poll was taken of a cross section of American people who just happen to work in the White House. Women, men, whites….and others, the vast majority agree that President Bush is doing a bang up job.”

A question was raised about the validity of polling members of the White House staff. The spokesman dismissed the concerns as “typical liberal bias.” He assured the assembled reporters that this was a voluntary, totally random poll.

The redacted survey was circulated among reporters at the news conference. Question number seven was: “President Bush has never made a mistake while in office. Do you believe George Bush has ever made a mistake?” Question eleven: “Jesus Christ walked on water. George Bush cleared brush. This means Jesus Christ and George Bush are spiritual coequals. True or False.”

The tabulated results of the survey have been classified as top secret, but Department of Justice lawyers have certified the results as accurate and true.

Congressional Dems to Grill Rove During Golf Outing

Washington, D.C. - Backing off their insistence that former Bush advisor Karl Rove appear before congress and testify under oath, a spokesperson for Representative John Conyers said today that congressional Democrats have decided to change their tactics.

“We’ve decided that a non-confrontational approach will yield better results. Congressional leaders will interview Mr. Rove about his participation in the Valerie Plame outing at the Renditions Golf Club in Davidsonville, Maryland in three weeks. Our feeling is that we will garner better information in a relaxed atmosphere without the pressure of a subpoena or being under oath. We feel vindicated by the fact that Mr. Rove agreed immediately.”

Questioned about whether this approach was too lenient based on the gravity of the accusations, the spokesman scoffed.

“Believe me, Rove will be thoroughly questioned during our time on the links. The fact that this won’t be recorded or written down is of no consequence in the bigger scope of things. Listen, there’s a small element of radical bloggers out there who won’t be satisfied with anything less than a public lynching, but that’s not the way we work.”

According to the spokesperson, the day will end with a reception in Rove’s honor at the clubhouse.

McCain Shocker: “Pillsbury Doughboy My Son”

Memphis, TN - In a tear-filled admission during a town hall meeting in Memphis yesterday, Republican presidential candidate John McCain confessed that he was the father of the popular television icon the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“I made a mistake many years ago, and it’s time I set the record straight. PD, as I call him, is my son from an affair with a young baker, who’s name I will not divulge. I supported the two financially until PD established himself in the advertising industry, and he and I have maintained close ties over the intervening years.”

McCain’s confession was sparked by his refusal to eat a crescent roll given to him by a supporter. “He cradled the roll gently in his hands and started to sob,” said Janice Freeburg, who baked the rolls in honor of McCain’s visit. “I thought I’d done something wrong until Mr. McCain began whispering to it.”

Apparently, the memories welled up in McCain, making it impossible for him to ignore the subject any longer. “I’m not proud of my behavior, but I am very proud of my son. Despite coming from a single-parent home, and being a small white glob of dough, he overcame these obstacles to achieve success in his field.”

Asked whether this revelation will hurt McCain in his bid for the presidency, a spokesperson for the candidate responded. “Not at all. Everybody loves PD. In fact, we are scheduling some joint appearances in the near future. And no, Mr. McCain will not poke his son in the belly.”

The Obama camp offered no comment on the news, however reporters covering the Democrats campaign were treated to a biscuits and gravy breakfast courtesy of the candidate.

McCain Soils Self, Blames Obama

New York City - During an interview today with FOX News anchor Connie Jobs, McCain advisor Burt Simpleton admitted that McCain suffered from incontinence and had been embarrassed on more than one occasion while campaigning. Simpleton claimed that this wasn’t actually a health issue, but the result of a curse placed on the Republican presidential candidate by the Obama camp.

“There’s no question they are using Voodoo and other forms of sinister magic to attack Mr. McCain and weaken him. They will stoop to anything to win, so placing a curse on an opponent is simply business as usual for them.”

Jobs agreed with Simpleton’s assessment of the situation, but asked if he had any actual proof Obama was practicing the dark arts.

“Of course. We have video of a ceremony conducted in a hotel room in Tulsa that clearly shows animal sacrifice and the drinking of blood. After this, a doll resembling Mr. McCain is torn to shreds by drug-crazed staffers and this is followed by a sexual orgy that would shock Bill Clinton. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the film, we cannot make it public.”

The curse, according to Simpleton, also affects McCain’s memory and reasoning abilities. “It has the power to make McCain sound uninformed and out of touch,” said Simpleton. “We won’t take this lying down. We are developing a counter curse as I speak.”

Laura Bush gives up tap dancing to honor troops

Washington D.C. - First Lady Laura Bush announced today that she has given up tap dancing as her way of honoring our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“I am taking my cue from the president who courageously gave up golf, a game he loves so much,” said Laura in a memo to the press. “We should all be willing to sacrifice for our brave men and women in uniform. I love tap dancing, although I haven’t actually done it in thirty years. The point is, I now officially declare that I will not strap on my taps, if I ever found them while cleaning, until every last soldier is home safe.”

Advisors to the First Lady had warned her that images of her tap dancing might send the wrong message to our troops overseas.

“It pains me deeply that soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan cannot tap dance when they want to. That is a freedom they are fighting to preserve for all of us and I salute them for it. I want the troops to know that I support them, so I will tap dance no more.”

An unnamed source close to Mrs. Bush said she will continue doing the Samba, but will cut back on interpretive jazz dancing.

Latest Bush Tell-All: Animal Sacrifice. News Media Yawns.

Washington D.C. - Following hot on the heels of former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan’s book, “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” a new memoir has surfaced written by General X, detailing startling revelations about the workings of the Bush administration.

Excerpts from the book detail bizarre secret ceremonies that included animal sacrifices, sexual orgies, and a fight club held regularly in the sub-basement of the White House. The author claims to have been in attendance at several of the quasi-religious functions. “The large room was lit by candles and incense permeated the air. A man (I believe it was Rumsfeld) wearing only a Richard Nixon mask and white shoes stood behind an altar holding a large knife. A live goat was brought in and held on the altar while the man with the knife read poems by Ezra Pound and sang selected passages from Project for the New American Century. Then the goat was slaughtered and the still beating heart passed around. The ceremony ended with attendees swearing their allegiance to Zircon, Horned Underlord of the Neocons, and then we all drank scotch.”

General X also describes late-night sexual orgies held in “theme” rooms in the White House. “The one I participated in was Mother Goose, and everyone wore costumes of nursery rhyme characters. The president was Little Bo Peep, and Rove, as I recall, was Humpty Dumpty. Actual sheep were brought in, and I leave the rest to your imagination.”

Despite the incendiary revelations by General X, the news media is largely ignoring his allegations. “This is old stuff,” said one network anchor. “We’ve heard all these charges before, and frankly, who cares?” A reporter from ABC News echoed this sentiment. “What’s the story here? Animal sacrifice? Sex orgies? Boooring.” A long-time news editor from NPR summed it up this way. “It’s a non-starter. People expect this kind of thing from Washington.”

The book will be published by Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins, and working titles leaked to the press include, “Karl Rove Gives Good Head,” “Caligula II” and “My Pet Goat Goes to Washington.”

The President’s Ultimate Sacrifice: No Golf!

Washington, D.C. - In a move that has sent shockwaves around the globe, President George Bush told the media that he has given up golfing in tribute to the brave men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The astonishing selflessness of the President’s action brought tears to the eyes of even the most jaded journalists.

“I started balling like a baby when I heard the president’s statement,” said Bill Boredim from the AP. “I’ve reported on wars, natural disasters, but this was without a doubt the most emotional moment of my career.”

This reflected the sentiments of others who heard the news. Nancy Mindlass, a veteran FOX news reporter, said she wished she could have given Bush a hug. “I can’t even find the words to express my gratitude to the Commander and Chief of this country for this amazing sacrifice, and I make my living with words.”

First Lady Laura Bush was especially moved by her husband’s courageous commitment. “He has always loved golf so much. This was truly a very, very difficult decision for him to make. I am so proud of that man.”

Grateful messages from around the world began pouring into the White House as the news spread of Bush’s announcement. Professional golfers will wear black armbands at tournaments to show their solidarity with the president, and all golf flags across the nation will fly at half-mast.

Cheney Survives ‘Near-life’ Experience

Washington, D.C. – Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for ‘acute signs of life’ associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney’s pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Fortunately, the vice president’s wife, Lynne, was in the room and recognized the symptoms immediately.

“When he began sobbing during a newscast, I knew something was wrong,” recounted Mrs. Cheney, who immediately called for an ambulance. “He said he wanted to give me a big hug and start a list of all his sins and transgressions. I tried not to panic, but I was frightened because I’d never seen Dick like that before. Believe me, it’s a side of him I hope I never see again.”

Although aides have not confirmed the report, Nurses attending Cheney after his surgery said he described himself as floating above his body, and then walking down a long tunnel toward a bright light. As he neared the end of the tunnel, he was greeted by specters that included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rachel Carson, John Lennon, and Gandhi. He’s reported to have said, “At that point I knew I was being sent to hell, so I did everything in my power to return to my physical body.”

Doctors removed the malfunctioning pacemaker and replaced it with heart-shaped clock.

High time for change

This Sunday, 10,000 people gathered on the University of Boulder campus for the annual 4/20 Pot Smoke-Out. At 4:20 p.m., thousands of participants lit pipes, bongs and joints to celebrate the magical properties of marijuana and get a righteous Rocky Mountain high. In years' past, when the crowds were smaller, the Boulder police tried various strong-arm methods to dissuade attendance, include hosing people and posting photos of smokers online. Despite the Draconian methods, the event has grown dramatically.

What was most interesting to me was what didn’t happen at this gathering of mostly college-age students. No one was arrested. No fights. No vandalism. The police did not issue a single citation.

Now, just imagine if this was the 4/20 Jack Daniels Drink-Out, and there were 10,000 people knocking down shots of bourbon.

It’s really time to rethink this country’s drug laws.

Is America Becoming a Fascist Society?

I took this from a letter over on Common Dreams. I've seen it before, but I think it's a very relevant mirror for us to hold up and look at ourselves. Too many of the 14 characteristics are uncomfortably familiar. The point made by many others, but that bears repeating, is that fascism does not descend on a country or a people from on high with claps of thunder and jack-booted armies goose stepping through the streets. It infests the body politic slowly, quietly, until you wake up one morning and the disease has spread too far and the prognosis is a prolonged, painful death. Is it too late for us?


Fourteen Defining
Characteristics Of Fascism
By Dr. Lawrence Britt
Source Free Inquiry.co
5-28-3

Dr. Lawrence Britt has examined the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia) and several Latin American regimes. Britt found 14 defining characteristics common to each:

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism - Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights - Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of “need.” The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause - The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4. Supremacy of the Military - Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5. Rampant Sexism - The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Divorce, abortion and homosexuality are suppressed and the state is represented as the ultimate guardian of the family institution.

6. Controlled Mass Media - Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.

7. Obsession with National Security - Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8. Religion and Government are Intertwined - Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government’s policies or actions.

9. Corporate Power is Protected - The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10. Labor Power is Suppressed - Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts - Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts and letters is openly attacked.

12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment - Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.

13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption - Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.

14. Fraudulent Elections - Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

McCain confuses Sunnis, Shi’ites and Shriners

Presidential hopeful John McCain seemed once again confused about who the enemy is in Iraq. At a speech before the National Association of Really Old People (NAROP) in Cleveland, McCain made the claim that the surge had put the Shriners on the run.

“Make no mistake,” said McCain, “our brave men and women in uniform are defeating the insurgent Shriners sponsored by El Boom Shacka Lacka. Even with extensive support from Iran, those moped-driving maniacs are being rounded up and disarmed. I’ll tell you quite honestly, ladies and gentlemen, I always suspected this group was a front for something more ominous, with their fez’s and Imperial Potentates. Now, they’re going to need those precious hospitals of theirs for the wounded.”

In the question and answer period following the talk, McCain was asked by a self-proclaimed Shriner what proof he had that Shriners were involved in military actions in Iraq.

“Go back to your temple and sit on your fez,” shouted an emotional McCain. “Oh you talk a good game, but you’re just another Iraqi sect trying to tear down a fledgling democracy and create chaos. Parades every day, that’s what you want. And you want everyone to wear crazy clothes. Well we’re not going to stand for it. You’ve failed and we’ve won.”

McCain then attempted to run after the questioner before being bogged down in a sea of wheelchairs.

Can Bush Keep Surge Up?

Washington, D.C. - At a news conference today, President Bush reiterated his determination to continue the surge despite escalating violence in Iraq.

“We will not withdraw until this operation reaches a climax,” Bush told reporters. “We will keep pushing and pushing the enemy as hard as we can.”

In answer to critics who say the surge is softening, Bush was clear. “Our commitment remains firm and hard. Sure, it’s a lot of work. No one said it would be easy, but once we finish off the terrorists, tension will be released and the Iraqi people will be able to breath a heavy sigh of relief.”

A reporter wondered if he was satisfied with the Iraq government’s response to the surge. “They have been very excited by it and stimulated to respond appropriately. They believe as I believe that success is coming.”

President Bush bristled at a suggestion that our troops did not have adequate protection in that messy region. “Our brave soldiers are well protected and I know for a fact that they only shoot when absolutely necessary, but when the time comes, they will fire their weapons without hesitation.”

The news conference was called to an abrupt end and the president was seen walking unsteadily back into the White House. The White House physician later told reporters that the president had suffered from a pulled groin muscle.

Cheney gives unprecedented tour of “Veep Cave”

Two weeks ago, Vice President Dick Chaney gave Washington Times reporter Bob Cobb an exclusive, first ever tour of the VP’s secure residence where he stays between speeches and appearances on talk shows. The location is obviously top secret, and Cobb had to endure hours wearing a blindfold and earplugs before reaching his destination.

Once the blindfold was removed, Cobb stood in the main room of what he described as, “Batman’s wet dream.” Cheney began his tour with some background on the cavernous structure.

Cheney – Amazing, isn’t it? This is the main room. There is 200 feet of rock between the ceiling and the planet’s surface. Air purifiers are located in hidden mine shafts guarded 24-hours a day. There’s a massive tunnel system, and I can travel from here to just about anywhere in the U.S. underground.

Cobb – How often has the president been here?

Cheney – He doesn’t know where it is, and I prefer it that way.

Cobb – I imagine you could live through just about anything down here.

Cheney – What do you mean by that? Did someone say something to you about nuclear war? Give me names.

Cobb – Please calm down, sir. No one said anything about nuclear war. Except you.

Cheney – Don’t get cute. Over there is a fully equipped cardiology unit I extracted from an East Coast hospital. The staff can be a bit grumpy about missing family and such, but goddamn it, this is national security. One has to question their priorities. And that hallway there leads to my small game park.

Cobb – Oh. Is that in order to save certain species should a disaster happen?

Cheney – No. It’s to shoot rabbits and squirrels and stray cats. I can’t go 48 hours without killing something. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Cobb – Uh, where do you sleep?

Cheney – Sleep?

Cobb – How about a kitchen? Do you have one of those?

Cheney – Over there is the doorway to a five-star restaurant I named “The Last Supper Club.” Clever. Huh? Jacket and tie required.

Cobb – And what’s through that hallway?

Cheney – My state-of-the-art torture chamber and gym. Kills two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Cobb – Well, Mr. Vice President, this has been fascinating, but I am on deadline. Can we head back to the surface now?

Cheney – I’m sorry, Mr. Cobb, but that won’t be possible. You’ll have to send your story from here.

Cobb – What? When can I leave?

Cheney – Uh, never. You’ve seen what no other man on earth has seen and lived to tell about, so I’m afraid you’ll have to stay here now. Or be shot. Come on, the special tonight is rabbit stew. Killed it myself. Mmmmm.

You can give a mouse a cookie…but that doesn’t make him a baker

From today’s boingboing.net:

Pilot shoots hole in cockpit - trust is not transitive
Posted by Cory Doctorow, March 27, 2008 5:34 AM

Remember when they gave pilots guns to increase airplane security? On Saturday, a US Airways pilot accidentally fired his gun in the cockpit while trying to stow it, blowing a hole in the plane. Security expert Peter Biddle uses this as an object lesson to explain why "trust isn't transitive."

Let’s look at this quote from the article in question, attributed to Mike Boyd: “if somebody who has the ability to fly a 747 across the Pacific wants a gun, you give it to them.” This is a horribly flawed assumption, because it assumes that trust is transitive, when clearly it isn’t.

The reason trust isn’t transitive is because trust is most often based on data regarding the past which allows us to make assumptions about specific competence, quality of performance, and behaviors in the future.

We can assume that a trained pilot, when facing piloty thingies, will act like a trained pilot. WE CANNOT ASSUME THAT A TRAINED PILOT WILL ACT LIKE A TRAINED LION-TAMER WHEN FACING A WILD LION.

Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another. Saliently, the pilot in question must have thousands of hours of flight time, has done the pre-flight check hundreds or even thousands of times, has been steeped in pilot-ness and thus pilot-safety, probably since he was a late teen. He’s very likely an extraordinarily safe pilot. We can assume that every experienced 747 pilot has a keen awareness of the potential lethality of full loaded 747. In the past we can assume that they at least had a deep appreciation of the potential for harm to their own passengers, and post 9/11 we can assume that they appreciate the harm their plane can be to thousands of additional people.

The argument that Biddle makes goes directly to the heart of the larger issue of guns and self-defense. Pro-gun advocates have long claimed that people with training in how to shoot and handle a gun are qualified enough to own a gun for self-defense.

I have always had problems with that line of reasoning, but Biddle nails it in his explanation: We cannot assume that a trained pilot will act like a trained lion-tamer when facing a wild lion. I would add: You cannot assume that a mechanic or accountant or store clerk will act like a trained police officer when facing a criminal.

Showing someone how to shoot a gun is not the equivalent of attending a police academy and coming face to face with criminals on a daily basis. Police officers are trained over many months in how to act in stressful, life or death situations and, once on the job, they face those kinds of situations frequently.

As a writer, I simply do not encounter life or death situations where I have to decide whether to pull a trigger or not. How can I predict how I would act if I had a gun in my back pocket and I felt threatened? Yeah, I know how to aim and shoot the weapon, but my hand will be shaking, my mind racing, my adrenaline pumping. Will I make the right decision? Will I hurt or kill an innocent bystander? Is it a burglar rummaging around downstairs or my oldest son making a surprise visit home from college?

Giving a person a gun and showing him how to use it is not the same thing as training him about when, where and why to use it. Skills from one domain cannot simply be moved from that domain to another.

Dim Bulb Bachmann Does it Again

The United States is beginning its sixth year of war in Iraq with no end in sight. Our military war dead now top 4,000, with hundreds of thousands of Iraqis either dead or displaced. America is on the brink of an economic recession if not already in one. Our standing in the world is at an all-time low. The president and vice president dismiss the will of the people and thumb their noses at the democratic process.

And Minnesota representative Michele Bachmann wants to talk about light bulbs.

The intellectually vapid Bachmann has found yet another way to embarrasses her home state in front of the world. In a move that can only be seen as ideological grand standing, Bachman has introduced something called the “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act” in the house. Yes, you read that right.

According to the Star-Tribune, Bachmann “…is challenging the nation's embrace of energy-efficient compact fluorescent lights, saying the government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy.”

Global warming as a result of human activity is a hoax, according to Bachmann, thus her courageous pro-choice light bulb stance.

Poor Michele is forever in the dark, substituting rote conservative dogma for actual thinking. I guess that makes her the ideal candidate for a position in the Bush administration in its remaining months. A long black robe, perhaps?