Name That Band

This band played at a high school prom in 1971. Who is it? (Dan H., you are disqualified.)

Okay. Maybe it's just too obvious it's ZZTop. It's just a shame that no one gets to collect the $1 million prize money. Better luck next time.

It's never too early

I ran across the perfect Christmas gift for all of my nieces and nephews. It's fun, realistic and educational. What more could you ask for?

Swiss Miss?

Mmmm. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, my state’s most photogenic lunatic, and her family are now Swiss citizens, holding dual citizenship with the U.S.A. This means she can run for political office in Switzerland if she so desires. Her husband is of Swiss descent, and her explanation for seeking citizenship in the tiny European country is that “…some of our children wanted to exercise their eligibility for dual-citizenship so we went through the process as a family."

That’s where the “Mmmm” comes in. Why would this fervent supporter of American exceptionalism, this cheerleader for America no matter what it does, this evangelical Christian who believes the U.S. has been chosen by God to lead the world, want to be a citizen of another country?

Well, here’s something interesting to chew on. Switzerland is listed as one of the top ten “hideout” countries in the world by “Ask Men” magazine, even though it does have an extradition treaty with the U.S. Despite the fact he confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year old girl, Switzerland refused to extradite film director Roman Polanski to the United States in 2010.

Mmmm. Maybe husband Marcus just feels more at home yodeling in a pair of lederhosen?

Mitt Goes Native

In his ongoing attempts to overcome the “elitist” label, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent time at a neighborhood café in a Derry, New Hampshire mingling with the decidedly blue-collar patrons. A portion of his conversations were recorded.

ROMNEY

(Shaking hands with a middle-aged man)

Hello there. Mitt Romney. How are you doing?

MAN

I’ll be better after I wash my hand.

ROMNEY

You know, that’s interesting. My wife is a great believer in personal hygiene. She’s vacationing in the south of France right now, but we spoke about this very subject on the phone last night. Hygiene. And what about the problems America faces today? Don’t you think we need better leadership in Washington?

MAN

What I need is a way to make my social security check stretch to the end of the month. And a car that’ll start in the winter.

ROMNEY

Exactly. There’s Obama’s legacy right there. I have a car or two that has trouble starting in cold weather. I feel your pain. We need to dig for more oil right now and stop apologizing for America. What’s that you’re having there?

MAN

It’s called a cheeseburger and fries.

ROMNEY

Exotic local cuisine. Interesting.

(Turns to a woman in the next booth)

Hi there. Mitt Romney. Do you own your own home?

WOMAN

Yeah, but it’s not easy making the mortgage payments.

ROMNEY

How do you do it?

WOMAN
Well, I scrimp on things…skip a meal now and then.

ROMNEY
No, I mean survive with only one house? It must be devastating. I’m going to fix that as President. It’s time for a new beginning in Washington.

MAN

(Calling out from another booth)

My daughter can’t afford to go to college. What are you going to do about that?

ROMNEY

Ah, good question. I have a three-point plan designed expressly to address the issue of high college costs. First, ask your parents for money. Hey, it worked for me. Second, look for a less expensive college. Can’t afford Harvard? There’s probably a community college right down the street. Third, forget college. It’s nothing but an assembly line for turning out communists and Marxists anyway. Read the bible.

MAN

How’s a person supposed to get a good job by reading the bible?

ROMNEY

Thank you all for your time. I feel we’ve really connected here today, and I want you to know that I truly feel your pain. And—

MAN

How much does your watch cost?

ROMNEY

This old thing? Around ten grand, I suppose. I know. You’re asking yourself why a guy like me would wear such a piece of junk? It’s a funny story. I was skiing in St. Tropez a few years ago…

(Several members of Romney’s campaign staff guide Romney quickly out of the café and into his waiting limo)

You're a biker?

Bad News

From CBSlocal.com:

5 Arrested In Fights After Concert At Mpls. Club

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) – Five people were arrested early Monday morning at a downtown Minneapolis nightclub following an 18+ concert performance.

According to police, the arrests happened after a series of fights that broke out at Epic nightclub at about 2 a.m.

Nineteen squad cars responded to the scene and five were arrested. They are awaiting possible misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, fleeing on foot and obstructing officers.

Questions: How do you handcuff a squad car anyway? And why didn’t they flee using their wheels?

Tests are hard

Ah, the South...

From my old friend Dan.

Some VP advice for Romney

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is now in the process of selecting his VP running mate. Surprisingly, I haven’t yet gotten the call from his campaign team regarding my recommendations, but I am expecting it very soon. In the meantime, here are my leading candidates for the Mittster’s second-in-command with the pros and cons of each one. You’re welcome, Romney camp.



Homer Simpson
Pros: Will make Romney look smart. Solid family man. Supporter of nuclear energy. High name recognition.
Cons: Cartoon character.

Ted Nugent
 Pros: Solid conservative credentials. Counterbalance Romney’s “elitist” image. High name recognition.
 Cons: He’s crazy.

 Pippa Middleton
 Pros: She’s hot.
 Cons: She’s British

Stephan Colbert
Pros: Articulate. Speaks our language. Good sense of humor. Smart (people think he’s a liberal playing the part of a conservative, that’s how good he is). Clean.
Cons: Might actually say “yes.”

Zeddie “Watkins” Little
Pros: He’s ridiculously photogenic.
Cons: None.

Ann Coulter
 Pros: High-profile conservative. Articulate. Photogenic. Good name recognition.
Cons: She could be a man.

Snoop Dogg
Pros: African American. Well-known rapper and actor. Will keep staff supplied with blunts.
Cons: All of the above.

Steve Jobs
Pros: Brilliant mind. Successful industry leader. Visionary.
Cons: He’s dead.

Bat Shit Crazy

(To the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever")

Well I don't know why
You don’t understand
The President is Satan’s child
And if he’s reelected
I know what I’ll do
The hate is driving me wild

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

God, guts and guns
Made this country great
I don’t care what you say
I’ll shout you down
And stomp on your face
All you commies will pay

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

I love to kill things
With my big ol’ gun
But Obama wants to take it away
It makes a grown man cryin' cryin'
All I see is red

They call me a hater
But I don’t care
It gets my name in the news
If you disagree
There’s only one thing to do
Watch me light the fuse

Because I’m bat shit crazy
Bat shit crazy

Obama: I’m high on hypocrisy

WASHINGTON — President Obama made a rare admission today during a briefing with reporters. The President said that being a hypocrite gave him a high that made cocaine seem as potent as “Cheeto dust.” Certain to raise the hackles of his supporters was this statement from Obama; “When I said in the 2008 campaign that I wasn’t going to go after medical marijuana, and then I turned around and did as President, I was baked like a motherfucker for weeks.”

When a reporter asked the President if he was high at the moment, Obama said, “No,” and then broke into hysterical laughter that lasted several minutes. After bringing himself under control, he told the assembled reporters how much respect he had for them, and once again burst into a violent laughing fit that forced the briefing to be cancelled.

Later in the day the President’s staff issued a statement saying the president had accidentally taken more than the prescribed dosage of cold medication before the meeting, ending with the familiar internet term, LOL.

Between Barack and a Hard Place

Unfortunately, history repeats itself all too often. We humans rarely seem to have the wisdom or wherewithal to avoid repeating our past blunders even within generations. Consider the bloodshed and destruction that continues in Vietnamistan, as we remain bogged down by an insurgency that, like cockroaches, will never be eradicated by force. We’ve seen this before.

On the political front, we progressives sit looking at an election some seven months away thinking we’ve been transported back to 1997. During the run up to his first term, Bill Clinton talked the talk and progressives and liberals, seeing an opportunity to oust the bumbling senior Bush, voted for the man from Arkansas with a muted sense of hope and optimism. Four years later, we knew we’d been snookered by a centrist, political animal who easily slid back and forth along the political spectrum to enact policies that were in line with the thinking of the centrist/conservative Democratic Leadership Group, which he helped found. So we had a dilemma. No progressive was going to vote for Robert Dole, but there was little enthusiasm for a second Clinton term.

Which brings us to 2012. Just over three years ago, Barack Obama campaigned for the U.S. presidency and electrified many liberals and progressives with his promise to change the way things were done in Washington. It was a powerful message after eight years of inept and irresponsible policies promoted by Bush the Younger — two unnecessary wars, a declining economy due to tax cuts for the wealthy, the loss of respect internationally, etc. Obama pledged to reverse much of what Bush had enacted, which we believed included the horrendous Patriot Act and other abusive and unconstitutional policies related to homeland security. So we voted for Obama, and surprise, surprise, the change we had been promised never arrived.

Obama has proven to be every bit as centrist and politically malleable as Clinton, and has been in some cases, worse. It started right after his inauguration when he began appointing his cabinet, which he filled with Washington and Wall Street insiders who have shown they have little interest in real change. From there it’s been downhill. Many of Bush’s most repressive and unconstitutional homeland security policies remain intact. Almost four years later we are still fighting in Afghanistan and continue to have forces in Iraq. Information has leaked out that during the recent budget negotiations in 2011, Obama was willing to give away practically everything to Boehner, essentially handing the Republicans a victory on a silver platter. Fortunately they were too stupid to make the deal and still held out for more.

Now there’s this. Despite Obama’s rhetoric on taxing the rich, a new study shows that income inequality is actually worse under our current president than it was under Bush. This is the result of fiscal policies that are the exact opposite of “change,” but even more of the status quo.

So here we are in the midst of an election year sitting right where we were in 1997. Of course, Obama’s people know that we will not vote for Romney. We are once again faced with having to vote for a Democrat who is more Republican-lite than liberal, who is willing to negotiate away Democratic priorities in some delusional bid for bipartisanship. Our so-called two-party system is a joke, and the recent Supreme Court ruling that gives corporations the same rights as individuals has only made a bad situation worse.

There is only one party in America and its name is control, not change.

Think you're having a bad day?

Why Cut Off the Hand That Feeds You?

I have a question that I am simply throwing out into the ethos, basically because I don’t have any friends who are economists and capable of answering it.

Over the past 30 years, economic policy in this country has served to decimate the middle class. Trickle down economics, free trade, tax cuts for the wealthy, Wall Street shenanigans, allowing jobs to be sent overseas, etc., all have served to financially cripple that once large swath of people in the middle income range.

Say I own a company that manufactures appliances or automobiles or homes. My question is this: Why would I support economic policies that financially weaken the large group of people who I depend on to buy my products? As more and more people are forced downward on the economic scale and into low paying service jobs or unemployment, there are going to be fewer and fewer people able to buy my cars or homes or dishwashers. Destroying the middle class seems like economic suicide to me, yet the elite in this country, many of whom run Fortune 500 companies, continue to contribute to candidates who support these poisonous policies.

I’m left scratching my head.

Our Future?

There’s no doubt that Republicans do a much better job of pushing voter hot buttons than Democrats. Now that we are in campaign mode, we hear the conservative mantra over and over again in their speeches and ads: No new taxes. Get the government off my back. Government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem. The interesting thing is that there aren’t any three or four or five word rebuttals to these statements. It requires analysis and thoughtful discussion to address these issues, but who has time for that? Certainly not the voting public. But as clever, emotional and effective as these phrases are, do conservatives ever lay awake at night and think about what our country would be like if they had all their wishes granted? It’s hard to believe they do, but if they would like a bit of help visualizing our country based on the actual realization of their campaign rhetoric, here’s a snapshot of America in the conservative era. Some might argue that much of what’s here is already fact, but believe me, it could be much worse if nothing is done to stop it. Pleasant dreams.

Small federal government:

A weak and toothless fed exists solely to serve the interests of the military/industrial complex. Continuous war becomes the only sustainable function of the federal government. Elections become so corrupted by money that participation dwindles and the process is eventually abandoned. The “unitary executive” philosophy is carried to its logical conclusion and we are eventually ruled by a “strong man.” Congressional seats are openly bought and sold. States become nearly autonomous countries with widely varied and contradictory laws and policies, and each has its own paramilitary force. The U.N. is kicked out of America and many past international treaties are annulled. The U.S. is considered a Rogue State by much of the rest of the world.

Low or no taxes:

Roads and bridges go unrepaired and become impassable. With no Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security, the elderly and disabled are essentially abandoned and left to beg or panhandle for food. The price of everything skyrockets. Healthcare is only available to the wealthy. There are no firefighters or emergency responders and communities must rely on volunteers when tragedy strikes. The wealthy live in enclaves and have private security forces. With no regulations or standards, the contents of the foods we eat becomes ever more questionable and millions of deaths a year are attributed to contaminated food sources. Unregulated businesses pump tons of toxic chemicals into the air and water, which also leads to the deaths of millions. Single-family homes are unaffordable for most families.

Privatize everything:

No public education. Private schools compete for students as colleges do now. Poor, minority, physically and emotionally challenged students fall through the gaping cracks and are lucky if they receive any education at all. With no national standards, schools are able to teach whatever nonsense they want. Unemployment due to an unskilled workforce soars. Teaching becomes religious indoctrination. There are no labor laws or regulations on businesses, so workers can be paid slave wages and forced to work in unsafe conditions. Children must work to help families survive. An underground and illegal economy evolves based on bartering and bribery. Gangs control the distribution of necessities such as gas, medicine, food, etc. Other countries set up sweatshops in America to manufacture products.

A Christian Nation:

Christianity is officially declared the national religion. Other religions are deemed false and followers are shunned or ostracized. Christians receive preferential treatment at every level of society. Laws are passed based on conservative Christian interpretations of the bible. Abortion is illegal under any circumstances and homosexual activity is a felony. Political descent is forbidden and the media is essentially a government mouthpiece. There is no government funding for the arts, and forms of artistic expression are strictly monitored and censored by the state. Gun laws are abolished and gun related fatalities soar.

Crime and Punishment:

The one industry in the country that thrives is private prisons. The law and order mentality of the Christian government means that millions of additional Americans are arrested and locked up each year. Crimes Against Christianity becomes a new category of laws under which many are jailed. Torture is commonplace as are public executions. Reeducation camps are created for artists and intellectuals who dissent from the thought parameters set up by the state. Police are given near limitless powers to arrest or detain citizens at will, and trials are a mere formality.

Blame Obama? Try again.

In 2001, the CBO projected a cumulative surplus of $6 trillion. This graph shows how that surplus was turned into a $6 trillion deficit.

Inappropriate Thoughts

You know what I wonder about? I wonder about the kids who don’t cry when they sit on Santa’slap at the mall. Here they are straddling the leg of a total stranger with whisky breath touching them in their “no-no” places whose laugh is as phony as his beard. What could be more terrifying than that? The one thing these kids must be thinking is, “I’d better get what I want Christmas morning or someone’s going to die in their sleep. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mommy.”

And if the Christmas season is supposed to be about Christ, why don’t they have Christ at the mall? Santa’s basically a delivery guy. What could be more appropriate than having your picture taken sitting on Jesus’s knee? And when kids come up, he can ask them, “So, what are getting me for my birthday?”

And don’t get me started on the Easter Bunny.

Precious

Sorry, we're closed

Priorities

Gotta have heart

The Rick Santorum Show

Spec script for the TV sitcom, “The Rick Santorum Show”

FADE IN:

INT. THE SANTORUM HOUSE — DAY

Rick enters the 50s style house after a day’s work.

RICK

I’m home.

Wife Cynthia and children Peter (age 6), Paul (age 12) and Mary (age 17) enter.

MARY

What a blessing. Father is home.

CYNTHIA leans in to kiss Rick on the cheek, but he pulls away.

RICK

Not in front of the children, Dear.

CYNTHIA

Forgive me.
(Rick slaps Cynthia’s face)

Thank you.

RICK

What smells so good?

MARY

Mother has made a roast.

RICK

I would prefer meatloaf.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. Just give me a minute.

RICK
(To Cynthia)

Clock’s ticking.

Cynthia exits to the kitchen, head bowed.

MARY

Father, a boy has asked me to the dance on Saturday.

RICK
(Sitting down and picking up a newspaper)

You told him “no” I presume. Dancing is just another form of pornography. You know that.

MARY

And I’m pregnant.

RICK
(Setting down his paper)

Again?

MARY

A group of Hispanic boys gang raped me.

RICK

Well young lady, you march right up to your room and start thinking of names.

MARY

Yes father.

Mary exits.

PAUL

Father, what’s a liberal?

RICK

Where did you hear that word?

PAUL

At school. The teacher said some people are liberals.

RICK

Some people are serial killers, too. We don’t use that word in our house.

PAUL

Yes, father.

RICK

I’ll have a word with your teacher about this tomorrow. Now go read your bible until dinner is ready.

The two boys exit and Cynthia enters from the kitchen.

CYNTHIA

Dinner will be done shortly. Gloria stopped by for coffee today. She was actually surprised that I didn’t know how to read.

RICK

Why would any woman need to know how to read?

CYNTHIA

That’s exactly what I said. But she said I was…what’s the word? A cunt. She said I was an ignorant cunt.

RICK
(Lost in his newspaper)

Mmm.

CYNTHIA
Of course, I didn’t understand what she was talking about, but then she got one of our butcher knives and cut her wrists, screaming “I can’t live in this world anymore.” Right out there in our kitchen. She was having a bad day. Took me hours to clean up all of the blood. Oh, and I baked a pecan pie.

RICK

You know that my favorite is apple.

CYNTHIA

Yes, Dear. I’ll get right to that.

Cynthia exits.

I can't always explain myself

The Beach is Back

Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke translated

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity [I have railed against reality with comments that in most other first-world countries would get me involuntarily committed], three hours a day, five days a week [you think it’s easy being batshit crazy every day? It's exhausting.]. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation [next time I will use the synonym finder]. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke [even though it sounded exactly like one].

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times [there’s a Marxist Kenyon sitting in the White House, people], we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress [who would do that 24-hours a day if we let them]. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities [unless I can watch]. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability [for women]? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow [if I’m too fat and ugly to get a piece without paying for it, nobody gets a piece]? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue [temper tantrum], I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone's bedroom [unless it involves any activity other than sleeping] nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level [what do Kenyan’s know about contraception anyway?].

My choice of words was not the best [floozy or harlot might have worked better], and in the attempt to be humorous [I also think putting kitties in the microwave is a hoot], I created a national stir [rational people got upset]. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke [the slut] for the insulting word choices [ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hah!].

The one form of birth control Rick Santorum might approve of.

It can be confusing

Satan to Endorse Candidate

In a video sent to the media yesterday from his office in the Underworld, Satan let it be known that he would be endorsing one of the Republican contenders for the presidency within the next few days. Although Old Nick did not make the pronouncement in his release, he did provide some not-so-subtle clues as to his thinking.

“I like Rick Santorum, and there’s nothing in the Constitution that says American’s can’t elect someone who is batshit crazy. I checked. But of late he’s been taking some swings at me that are, well let’s be honest, mean. Usually I have a pretty thick hide, but even Beelzebub has feelings. I mean, I’ve only met the guy a few times and he’s saying these horrible things about me. Now that’s going negative.”

There wasn’t much positive in his comments related to Mitt Romney, either.

“The one admirable quality that I find in Mitt Romney is his lack of conviction. The guy will say anything to be president. How cool is that? But the poor man is also devoid of a personality. I swear, even I have a hard time telling whether he’s human or not. I’ve seen corpses with more life than this guy. But seriously, the man’s not presidential material. A Mormon in the White House? Come on.”

When it came to discussing Newt Gingrich, the Devil’s tone changed remarkably.

“Newt and I go way back. Oh yeah. We had some crazy good fun back in the day. I remember this one time…oh, I can’t go into that here. But Newt’s a great guy. A two-faced lying, cheating, bombastic little ogre of a man, Newt’s got what it takes to pick up the baton from George Bush and effectively run this country into the ground. I think he has the ideas and intellect to do it.”

Lucifer also hinted that he would be starting a Super PAC to support his chosen candidate. “I want to call it the “Hell’s Bills” Super Pak. Get it? Hell’s Bills instead of Bells. I’d laugh at Satan’s jokes if I were you. Just kidding. Why so serious? I loved that movie. Loved it. Come on, let me fix you a drink.”

Baby Godfather

The Mitt Memo

As the Republican primaries continue, so does the ongoing battle between Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney over who is more conservative. In the midst of this heated contest, a possibly damaging memo from Romney’s inner circle has been leaked to the press. The document, believed to have been written by campaign co-chair Albert Margrove, appears to be a series of suggestions for bolstering Mr. Romney’s conservative credentials among Tea Party members.

February 16

Boss,

After yesterday’s cluster fuck, I sat down last night and thought about how can we turn this thing around and quickly. Let’s get down and dirty. Pull out all the stops. This weekend, we issue a press release—actually a manifesto—that redefines you as the REAL conservative in this race. No more Mr. Nice guy. I’ve got to think more about the details, but here are the main points we’d make in the release.

• Women will no longer be burdened by the complexity of full citizenship. They will not need to vote anymore and not be made to endure the difficulty of juggling work and family as they will be barred from obtaining jobs in many fields.
• We will rebuild pride in our country by requiring all citizens to wear flag pins and display a “Support our Troops” magnet on their vehicles.
• We will save the unborn by making pregnancy out of wedlock a federal crime and abortion a capital offense.
• We will reward hard work by eliminating all taxes on incomes over $1 million.
• We will stimulate the economy with large-scale, contracted building programs, i.e.:
o Wall topped by electric fence along the full length of the Mexican and Canadian border
o Drill for oil everywhere
o Physically separate San Francisco from the mainland
o Move the White House and Capital Building from DC to the U.S. Virgin Islands
o Build more nukes
o Add Reagan to Mt. Rushmore
o Invade somewhere
• Foreign affairs: Cut diplomatic ties to France, ship the Palestinians to Uzbekistan, put military bases anywhere we fucking please.
• We’ll enhance competitiveness by rolling back the minimum wage to 50 cents/hr
• Public safety: Instead of a chicken in every pot, we’ll put a gun in every house.
• To instill basic American values, church attendance will be mandatory and non-Christians, people of color and liberals will be given incentives to move to Canada.

Okay, these are just some ideas off the top of my head. When we’re done, we’ll make Rick Santorum look like Michael Moore. Let me know your thoughts.

Back in the saddle

So, I stepped out for a cup of coffee three years ago and….

Did you miss me?

Helloooooooooooo?

Anyway, they finally released me…oh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to talk about that…but I will be posting again after my long absence. Let’s ease back into things with a couple of memes.

Michele Bachmann has given me a reason to go on

During the Great Depression, our grandparents would find a brief respite from their difficult circumstances by reading the Sunday comics. The adventures of Superman, Buck Rogers, Krazy Kat, Popeye, Dick Tracy, and Little Orphan Annie helped people enjoy some humor in life and a bit of escapism from the hard times of the day.

With a few exceptions, today’s Sunday comics are neither comical nor engaging, so those of us struggling through the latest economic disaster to befall this country have to look elsewhere for cheap thrills.

I’ve found my Krazy Kat in Michele Bachmann. While routinely scanning news headlines on my favorite political sites, my heart races with anticipation every time the name “Bachmann” pops up in 14 pt. type. I know I can count on the story beneath that headline to rock my world.

Ooops, she did it again. Michele has been announcing to anyone who will listen, and don’t ask me why anyone would except those of us who need our daily giggles, that she’s not going to fill out all of her 2010 Census form. From the woman who knows more about climatology than all the world’s experts combined, we learn that the Census can somehow be linked to internment camps and other nefarious government plots to shackle and silence all real Americans…especially the lunatics.

Oddly, Bachmann didn’t raise these dire concerns several years ago when the Bush Cartel was asking Congress to let it wiretap and open the email every American with a pulse. That was Bush. Obama, the shape-shifting demon raised by terrorists in a secret laboratory in the mountains of Afghanistan in order to bring America to its knees from inside the Oval Office, is a different story.

I was appalled when Minnesotans of the sixth district reelected Bachmann back in 2008, but I have a very different perspective on the whole affair now. She’s funnier than any Sunday comic (with the exception of Dilbert) and her every insane utterance is the stuff of which legends are made. Michele has given me reason to get out of bed every morning.

You go, crazy girl.

Officers jump ship as the U.S.S Coleman continues to sink

LAKE MINNETONKA, MN – Although the captain and crew of the scow U.S.S Coleman have been bailing water for months, it now appears that even the ship’s highest-ranking officers realize their efforts are for naught. The ships fate at the hands of the icy blue waters of Lake Minnetonka is now almost assured.

Chief Communications Officer LeRoy Coleman (no relationship to the captain) rowed one of the remaining lifeboats ashore to join the Republican National Committee as director of media affairs. Only two weeks before, First Mate Cullen Sheehan abandoned her post on the Coleman to sign on as a RNC regional director.

The captain himself, never flagging in his belief that the ship could be made seaworthy again, has been seen sneaking ashore in the evenings to moonlight as a consultant with the Republican Jewish Coalition.

Over a pint of ale at the Cock and Crow, a former crewman on the Coleman confessed that the whole rescue attempt was a lost cause from the beginning.

“Ah Sir, we all knew there was very little hope in saving the old gal, sad as that be, and as time went on, it were clear the damage was too great to keep her afloat. But the Cap’n wouldn’t let go, and he was gettin’ orders from the shipping company bigwigs out East to try and save the old heap at all costs. There was no talkin’ sense to the man, I tell ya, and he’d walk the deck clicking those metal balls in his hand all night until you thought you was goin’ mad. Mad I sez.”

Some predict the U.S.S. Coleman will completely submerge and sink to its watery grave as early as this week.

The Comedy Event of the Year: Dick Cheney's “Save My Ass” tour

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Dick Cheney, one of the funniest comedians to come out Washington, D.C. in years, announced the start of his national comedy tour, “Save My Ass.” Dick will bring his bizarre take on life and famous deadpan delivery to comedy clubs and newsrooms across America.

The publicist for the tour promises Dick will deliver many of his most famous routines plus new material that will leave audiences in a state of unyielding laughter.

“One of the new routines that people haven’t heard before relates to the bankruptcy of GM,” notes the press release. “Dick admits the Bush administration deliberately decided to pass the buck on GM and let President Obama deal with the problem. It’s timely, and too, too funny.”

The publicist also reveals another new bit called, “Blame the Other Dick.” With his patented sneer, Dick puts the blame for 9/11 squarely on the shoulders of Dick Clarke, the head of counterterrorism programs under Clinton and Bush. The set up begins with the former VP saying, “Clarke missed it when it came to foreseeing 9/11.” Then Dick brings down the house by reciting the titles of e-mails Clarke sent to Bush and company prior to 9/11.

“Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack” (May 3)
“Terrorist Groups Said Co-operating on US Hostage Plot” (May 23)
“Bin Ladin’s Networks’ Plans Advancing” (May 26)
“Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent” (June 23)
“Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks” (June 30)
“Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays” (July 2)

The punch line? “The only thing Clarke didn’t do was bring Bin Laden to the Oval Office to discuss the time and date of the event.” Badda bing.

The finale is said to be a comedic coup de grace. After nearly eight years trying to convince the world there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda despite the evidence, Dick turns the tables on everyone and says, “On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9/11, there was never any evidence to prove that.” There’s nothing this man won’t say or do to get a laugh.

It’s no wonder Dick has earned the moniker, “The hardest working war criminal in show business.”

Thanks, Tim, for brightening up everyone’s day

Your local weather report:

Skies over Minnesota brightened today after Tim Pawlenty announced he would not run for a third term as governor. The persistent weather pattern since 2003 of gusty hot air, oppressive ideology, and an intellectual drought will lift next year as the governor vacates his Summit Avenue residence.

Periods of cautious hope will appear in the skies above us, followed by the blustery winds of the campaign season.

The long-range forecast is difficult but early indications are that Minnesotans are looking for the winds of change to sweep across the state bringing with them new, more forward-looking ideas.

There are, however, a few models predicting severe, damaging weather if Hurricane Bachmann or to a slightly lesser degree, Tornado Norm, gather force. The havoc they can wreak has already been felt by Minnesotans who find their state regressing into a period of darkness as a result of stale atmospheric conditions.

In Minnesota, we take our weather one day at a time, and today prospects brightened that there will be a sunnier future for our blue state.

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More

Obviously this headline is satirical. Right? Truth is, it’s from a recebt New York Times article. The headline leads into an article that examines the Boy Scout-affiliated Explorer Program, which is “…training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.”

Boy Scouts fighting terrorists. Who ever thought we’d come to this? Well, I did. About three years ago I wrote a bit of satire for my blog That’s Going to Far! which ridiculed this disquieting possibility. Now it has come to pass.

The great Washington Post columnist Art Buchwald once said, “You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.”

Northern exposure: Bush to call up the Scouts

WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.

“It is true that our most immediate national security need is to secure our southern border. However, we cannot ignore the risks posed by a three thousand mile-long, largely unsecured border to our north. While our attention is diverted to the southern states, thousands of Al-Qaeda terrorists could be quietly slipping into America disguised in moose or squirrel costumes, forming sleeper cells in unsuspecting towns like International Falls or Fargo. The threat is real, and must be met.”

Today, I am calling up our brave young Americans in Boy Scout, Girl Scout and Cub Scout troops all along the northern tier of states, from Washington to Maine. Scout units will be stationed along the Canadian border at designated intervals for four-week rotations. The Scouts will be issued BB guns, slingshots and Swiss Army Knives with which they will secure our borders and allow Americans to sleep easy in their beds.”

Some of you may ask, ‘Is sending a nine-year old child out into the Northern woods with little more than Ritalin, a dull knife and a backpack full of Snickers bars a good idea?’” I say, give our children more credit. Sure they’ll miss their TVs and their mommies, but they know what it means to wear a uniform and that sacrifices are necessary in the war on terror. “

The first Scout units will be in position shortly after the end of school in June. Scout Masters will receive field promotions to full colonel and receive all respective benefits. All scouts will be given photocopies of known Al-Qaeda operatives, and they will be issued shoot-to-kill or really-really-hurt-bad orders.”

My fellow Americans, I know what it means to serve one’s country in uniform and the sacrifices that are required. I spent countless days away from home and family in strange nightclubs and at parties where I didn’t know a soul. It’s true. But America’s young people today understand that freedom isn’t free, and that everyone must do their part in the war on terror. All I can say is God bless them, and God bless you.”

Norm Coleman and the tragedy of hubris

The year was 1996, the early morning hours of a soul-deadening, frigid winter’s night. Mayor of St. Paul Norm Coleman, wearing his favorite smoking jacket and fez, sat brooding in an overstuffed chair near a dying fire, staring into a glass of bitterness. His one-time friends in the DFL had turned against him. Criticized him. Booed him at events.

Fools. Didn’t they know he had a destiny to fulfill? Couldn’t they visualize him delivering a speech on the floor of the Senate so powerful it would disrupt the time-space continuum? Didn’t they know that one day he would command generals and ambassadors and quivering foreign leaders to carry out his visionary policies as he paced to and fro in the Oval Office? “Apparently not,” he said aloud, startling a cat sleeping at his feet.

As he stirred the embers in his Meerschaum, a shadow emerged from the darkness sending icy chills down the mayor’s back. The cloaked figure spoke.

“Norm. I think you know why I am here,” it rattled.

“I know of no one who would present himself to me uninvited in the darkest hours of the morning, except….” Coleman shuddered.

“Yes. You do understand. Although I wouldn’t say I was ‘uninvited.’ You want to fulfill your destiny, and I want to help you do that by striking a bargain with you.”

“A bargain? What sort of bargain, Sir?”

“I can help you realize your dreams of political power…for a price.”

“And you are a fiend,” said Coleman, turning away from the specter in fear.

“Success. Power. All can be yours. The political winds are blowing strongly to the right, My Friend, and you must change allegiances to capitalize on this event. Switch parties, Norm. Give your soul to me, and you will achieve that which you so desire.”

“My soul? Now?”

“Not now. You have work to do. But there will come a day when we will consummate this bargain, and I will collect what you promise me.”

“When? When would that day be?”

“When the winds change again, Norm. If they ever do.”

Coleman stood and contemplated this vexing proposal. “The Democrats have rejected me, and they are weak and in disarray. Americans have always been conservative at heart, and I do not think that will change any time soon. Certainly not in my lifetime.”

“Then we have a deal?” hissed the shadow.

“We have a deal,” agreed Coleman. “I willingly put my future in the hands of the Republican Party. This cannot go wrong. But who, pray tell, are you?”

“I am known by many names, but you can call me, ‘Mr. Cheney.’ Until we meet again.” And with that, the phantom vanished back into the darkness beyond the last remnants of firelight.

Michelle Bachmann: Call of the Loon

The loon is our state bird. Don’t laugh. Nothing can moisten the eye of a Minnesotan quicker than hearing the eerie, tremulous call of a loon from the middle of a mist-covered lake.

We love loons so much we sent one to Congress. Yep. One of the bluer states in America elected a notorious right-wing evangelical ideologue to represent it in Washington D.C. Twice. Actually, calling sixth district Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann “right-wing” is kind of like calling Minnesota winters “brisk.” Bachmann is truly in a category all by herself.

During her tenure representing ‘the fighting sixth,” Bachmann has eagerly shared her bizarre spin on the issues during numerous television and radio appearances and with her colleagues in Congress. This woman is not afraid to speak her mind, and for that reason, Bachmann has carved out a noteworthy niche among her fellow representatives: Looniest gal in the room.

You may remember Bachmann’s YouTube splash after Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address when she put a death grip on the president’s shoulder and wouldn’t let go. The over-heated Bachmann was a millisecond away from being escorted out of the event by men who talk into the sleeves of their trenchcoats. Then, when Bush came to Minneapolis after a major bridge collapse, Bachmann claimed the president attempted to assuage her distress by examining her tonsils with his tongue (she euphemistically said “kiss”) during an inspection of the wreckage.

“Oh, John,” you non-Minnesotans argue, “Bachmann can’t be any worse than (fill in your congressperson).” Well, yes she can. But please don’t let me prattle on. Bachmann has no qualms about speaking for herself.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America."

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax."

“We’re running out of rich people in this country."

We do love loons in Minnesota. Wait, I hear one calling now. Or is that another Bachmann press conference?

Swine Flu or Swine Flew?

DES MOINES, IA - As the cases of Swine Flu continue to multiply around the globe, a parallel outbreak of Swine Flew is plaguing farmers and rural residents throughout the U.S.

Iowa hog farmer David Lyons described the startling phenomena. “I came out of the house about six in the morning, and I saw three of my sows floating up in the air. They’d grown wings overnight and were flying…like really big birds. I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t move, but then they just flew off over that cornfield and that’s the last I seen of them.”

Experiences similar to Lyons’ have been reported by dozens of other hog farmers throughout the Midwest.

“Half of my hogs flew off yesterday to God-knows-where,” said Ted Zigler, a Kansas hog producer. “If this keeps up, I’m going to go broke. I’ll have to switch to growing Tofu.”

Like so many others, Lisa Conklin of rural Wisconsin said she never thought she’d see the day when pigs could fly. “I always used to say, ‘Yeah, that’ll happen when pigs fly. Now they are.”

Conklin expressed a concern raised by many Americans since the onset of Swine Flew. “Let’s just pray that monkey’s don’t start flying out of our asses.”

Republicans Polled: Top Presidential Picks Include Joe the Plumber and Bob the Builder

Washington D.C. - A just released national presidential preference poll of Republican voters has surprised politicians and pundits alike. The poll clearly demonstrates that conservative voters are unhappy with mainstream political candidates and are pushing farther to the edge of Right Wing ideology.

Conservative columnist George Will was perplexed. “I don’t get it. There are people on this list who aren’t even people. Have we truly become this desperate?”

FOX News pundit Sean Hannity’s comment on the poll results was succinct. “We’re in deep doo doo.”

The one dissenter among national conservative figures was former Vice President Dick Cheney. “With a few exceptions, I think it’s an admirable list of great Americans. The Republican party would be wrong not to listen to the will of the people.”

Here is the Republican voters’ list of favored candidates for the 2012 presidential election.

Joe the Plumber
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Ted Nuggent
Sarah Palin
Bob the Builder
The Verizon Guy
Betty Crocker
Hannah Montana
Billy Bob Thornton
Matt Drudge
Dick Cheney

Limbaugh Tortures Self. Confesses to Masterminding 9/11

After slapping himself again during a broadcast to demonstrate the banality of CIA torture techniques, radio personality Rush Limbaugh surprised his audience by confessing on air that he is, in fact, a fat, lying buffoon who got beaten up a lot as a kid.

Limbaugh seemed shocked by his own admission, but, after several more self-inflicted slaps, owned up to his drug problem and to having a secret crush on Michelle Obama.

A tearful Limbaugh asked for forgiveness. “I’ve made a career out of stoking the fires of hate and bigotry. I was wrong. So very wrong. And I have a secret offshore tax shelter, and a mistress, and I shot Kennedy, and 9/11 was an inside job. I planned it myself. Just don’t hit me again. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

As the telephone lines in the studio began lighting up like a theater marquee, the program’s producer finally pulled the plug on the right-wing pundit in mid-sob.

Congressional Democrats Have Their Own List

Washington, D.C. — In response to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), who claims to have a list of 17 socialists in congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she has compiled a list of 178 clinically insane members of congress. Although this figure corresponds to the exact number of Republicans in the House, Pelosi insisted this was a coincidence.

“Insanity does not recognize party lines, however, if you are a Republican, the chances that you are insane rise dramatically,” said the Speaker.

When asked to name the 178 insane congresspeople, Pelosi handed out a map of the House floor with the Republican side of the aisle highlighted in red.

“They congregated together,” said Pelosi.

Outraged Republicans issued a press release denouncing Pelosi and readjusting the number of socialists in congress upward to 257.

Texas Threatens to Secede. Rest of U.S.: “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Austin, Texas — In recent statements, Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has suggested that the state of Texas might consider seceding from the Union in response to President Obama’s national policies. The Lone Star State was once a republic, and Gov. Perry is threatening to return to that status “if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people.”

However, in the rest of the country there is jubilation at the prospect of ridding the United States of Texas.

“It’s an albatross around our necks,” said Otis Meyers, a construction worker from Portland, Oregon. “I mean, what’s their contribution to America? The Bush family? Line dancing? Crappy beer?”

Janice Sterns, a police officer from Columbus, Ohio, agreed. “They think of themselves as another country already and speak a different language. I say let them have it.”

High school teacher Ken Eldridge of Denver, Colorado was also in favor of Texas leaving the Union. “It’s a good start. Now if we can just get the rest of the South to follow Texas’s lead, we’d be in great shape.”

McPalin Last Ditch Effort: Obama the Anti-Christ

Washington, D.C. – In a move many consider an act of desperation, presidential hopeful John McCain and his pick for VP Sarah Palin, used their final campaign stops to accuse Obama of being the Anti-Christ foretold in the bible.

“Why hasn’t anybody taken a look at Obama’s scalp for the little “666” tattooed there? Asked McCain at a Cleveland rally attended by a crowd in the dozens. “Come on, people. Is there a picture of Obama actually in a church? I haven’t seen it. Have you ever seen Obama with his shoes off? Could he be hiding cloven hooves? We cannot take the chance that we will put Beelzebub in the highest office of the most powerful country on earth.”

Palin carried a similar message to a handful of supporters in Atlanta.

“I have personally seen Obama breath fire on a puppy. It’s true. You don’t see him kissing babies because he’ll burn their tiny little faces if he does. Wouldn’t look good on the 10 o’clock news. That Obama guy is here to enslave all of us and kidnap white virgin females for orgies in the Oval Office. How can any red-blooded American person vote for that? Satan or John McCain? The answer is obvious.”

Obama’s campaign has not responded to the charges. “He’s busy taking measurements at the White House,” said an unidentified aide.

Creepy Gnome Returns

Argentina's Creepy Gnome reappeared last week in a new locale, the town of Clodomira, Santiago del Estero province. Similar to the first episode, the phone-video sequence starts with footage of young people out late talking and dancing. Soon a black speck is visible on the screen moving up the dimly lit street toward the group. As it draws closer, the pointy-headed pygmy can be made out strolling awkwardly along the sidewalk. There is a terrified scream as the figure nears, and the video suddenly stops.

Authorities investigating the incident say they found no little person in the vicinity, but did discover a note tacked to a telephone pole that was signed, “Creepy Gnome.” The content of the note has been made public in hopes that someone might recognize the style or content and contact the police.

Dear friends,

As I sit by my small woodland fire writing this, I cannot help but recount the familiar words of the Bard from Act 2, Scene 7 of “As You Like it:”

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts...

Good people of Clodomira, I have played many parts in my life. Ambassador’s son. Oxford student. Successful diplomat. Advisor to world leaders. Then, for reasons only God knows, my near perfect existence started to implode. My beloved wife left me for a tattood carni named Garft who somehow was able to satisfy her in ways that I could not.

Then, while on the rebound from losing the love of my life, I was kidnapped by gypsies in Istanbul. They forced me to dress as a deformed child for the purpose of eliciting donations. Needless to say, I felt a prisoner, was a prisoner, and began drinking heavily and smoking opium.

I managed to escape from my tormentors somewhere in Uzbekistan, and made my way through field and forest to the shores of the Mediterranean, where I stowed away on an oil tanker bound for Brazil. In Sao Paulo, I was taken in by a friendly man who said he made nature videos, but whom I quickly discovered was a pornographer who specialized in bestiality. The shame of that period lingers with me still.

From there I have traveled through the jungles and mountains and barrios of this huge continent, searching for peace and a warm bed, but finding only scorn and humiliation. I plead with you that the next time you see me, you do not run in fear or scream, but extend your hand and show mercy to one so small who has suffered so greatly.

Sartre understood my world when he wrote: “Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough.”

I feel I have hurt quite enough.

Desmond R. Whitherton III, aka Creepy Gnome

Michele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals

In an interview with a Minneapolis radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals.

“It’s a win/win situation,” said Bachmann. “Cattle farmers will no longer have to pay for expensive feed or fertilizer, and we’ll get rid of all those un-American, terrorist-loving liberals at the same time. It’s perfect.”

Asked whether this wouldn’t be considered mass murder or genocide, Bachmann scoffed. “That would only apply if we were talking about real Americans. Then it would be a crime. But these are liberals. Don’t you see? They hate America and every thing it stands for. Why should they be allowed to suck up perfectly good air? That’s the real question.”

A caller wondered how the process would work and whether there might be a financial reward for turning in liberals. “Oh, absolutely,” Bachmann replied. “We would have to depend on our citizens to do the patriotic thing and hand over any liberals they know to the government. Our nation is at stake here people. This is serious.”

Bachmann said she has held talks with national feed and fertilizer companies, and that they have expressed guarded interest in the idea.

Palin opens gift shop on her website

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters. “Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket,” said the staff member overseeing the endeavor. Product offerings have created a stir among Democrats who object to what they claim are racially charged items.

“Here’s one example,” said a representative from the Democratic National Committee (DNC). “They sell a ‘Palin Rally Pack’ that consists of a pitchfork, a torch, and rope. What kind of message is that trying to send?”

The DNC representative was also upset by the ‘B.O. silhouette for target practice.’ A spokesperson for Palin claimed the B.O. initials stood for ‘Black Oppressor” and not Barak Obama.

The DNC rep was not convinced. “Either way, it’s racially tinged. They’re appealing to bigots and racists and inciting them toward violence.”

According to the Palin team, the hottest selling item is the Anthrax Stationary Set, which includes the addresses of every senator and congressperson now in office. “As attractive as it is,” noted the gift shop director, “the paper and ink are untraceable. It’s the perfect Christmas gift.”

Couric interview shocker: Palin can’t remember children’s names

New York City, NY - In a previously unreleased segment of Katie Couric’s recent interview with McCain running mate Sarah Palin, Couric asked Palin about her children and how they would react if Mommy was vice president of the United States. Palin initially denied she had any children, but when pressed, admitted that they did exist.

Couric: Why would you say you don’t have any children when you clearly do?

Palin: I thought we were talking about undocumented workers.

Couric: That was several questions ago.

Palin: My family is very special to me. I love them all very, very much.

Couric: Now your children have interesting and unique names. Can you talk about how you chose their names?

Palin: No.

Couric: Excuse me?

Palin: I’d rather not discuss my personal life.

Couric: You brought your family to the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret you have five children. I just wanted to know about their names.

Palin: Can we talk about offshore drilling? I have notes on that.

Couric: What are your children’s names?

Palin: I would be more than happy to get back to you regarding that question.

Couric: Your husband?

Palin: John…Todd. Oh, now you’ve really got me flustered. I feel like the media has my life under a telescope.

McCain Team Demands Eleventh-hour Concessions in VP Debate

Representatives from John McCain’s campaign have given the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) a list of demands related to the debate scheduled for this Thursday evening. Democrats angrily responded by claiming the maneuver was a blatant attempt to rig the debate in Sarah Palin’s favor.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said a McCain representative, who asked to remain anonymous. “These are really quite minor adjustments that should not have any impact on the debate itself.”

A copy of the demands was leaked to the press and highlights are reprinted here.

Questions addressed to Mrs. Palin may only include the following topics: Clothes, moose hunting, snowmobiling, make-up, Jesus.

Mr. Biden may not look at Mrs. Palin during the debate.

Mr. Biden may only answer questions in Mycenaean Greek

Mrs. Palin will be allowed to wear electronic devices that may or may not involve a helmet.

Following every response by Mr. Biden, the moderator will say, “That is the most ridiculous answer I’ve ever heard, even from a Satan-loving liberal. Don’t you agree, Governor Palin?”

Following each question for Mrs. Palin, she will be allowed five minutes to confer with advisors before answering.

Mrs. Palin will be declared the winner. Period.

Obama/Biden hire Jedi master Yoda as new communications director

Michelle Bachmann: McCain Betrayed Me

Washington, D.C. – A clearly distraught Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) fought through tears at a hastily organized press conference announcing that she will not be supporting the McCain/Palin presidential ticket after being passed over for the vice president’s spot.

“I was shocked when I heard John announce his pick. I thought, this can’t be happening. He’s selected a nobody from virtually another country when I’m standing right here in Washington, wrapped in the good old red, white, and blue. Do they speak English in Alaska?”

The congresswoman went on to outline her qualifications for the number two spot on the ticket. “I’m more conservative than she is, more fanatical about offshore drilling than she is, more rabidly Christian than she is, and I’m prettier than she is. How did John miss that? Has Sarah Palin ever gripped the shoulder of the President of the United States for an uncomfortably long time?”

Bachmann said she was particularly upset that McCain did not have her on his list of VP possibilities, even though she was sending him telepathic messages every day. “He knew I was contacting him about the position. His body language clearly said, ‘I hear you, Michelle. Your spirit talk is strong.’ But then he chose to ignore me. I feel cheated. Shunned. Humiliated. And a bit aroused. Okay, I’m late for therapy. Thank you all.”

Red State Americans: Should You Vote?

As the presidential election draws near, it’s the perfect time to reflect on our duty as citizens to be informed voters. Unfortunately, not everyone who is eligible to vote should vote. That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn’t mean you’re qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn’t automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a more thoughtful, well-informed voter.

#1
The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Chuck Norris
e) Flavor Flav

#2
The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) pituitary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian

#3
The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta

#4
The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin

#5
The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) a drunk
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces

#6
What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys eat their entrails
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) George and Laura do it

#7
Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 398
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two

#8
You have to be at least 4 feet 10 inches tall to vote.

T
F

#9
The President’s official residence is The _____ House

a) Round
b) White
c) Out
d) Brick
e) Fun

#10
Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Chaos
e) Iowa

If you missed any answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you are required by law to turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

Caught on tape: John McCain’s VP deliberations

Washington, D.C. – A startling tape recording of John McCain discussing Sarah Palin, his pick for vice president, was leaked to the press this afternoon. It’s believed a disgruntled campaign worker made the tape available to the media. This is a transcript of the conversation.

Voice: Just talked to Rove. Lieberman’s out.

McCain: What? That little piece of shit. You know he wouldn’t last two hours in a North Vietnamese prison camp. He’d squeal like a pig the first time he got his balls squeezed.

Voice: Yes Sir.

McCain: Okay. Who does that leave?

Voice: Uh, only one person. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska.

McCain: Palin? Don’t know her.

Voice: Here’s her picture.

McCain: Whoa. She’s hot.

Voice: Former beauty queen, I think. But very inexperienced.

McCain: She looks experienced to me. In a good way.

Voice: Sir, she’s articulate but not all that bright. Biden will rip her to shreds in a debate.

McCain: And check out that rack. Those things could suffocate a man.

Voice: Right. She’s been governor less than two years. Mayor of some little shit hole town before that.

McCain: You said ‘shit hole.”

Voice: Sir. Are you all right?

McCain: I want her...to be my running mate.

Voice: Are you sure about that? You don’t know—

McCain: She’s the one. I feel it. Get her one the phone now.

Voice: But—

McCain: Don’t argue with me. Make this happen.

Voice: Yes sir.

McCain: I gotta take a leak…and review this picture further.

President Bush prepares nation for Gustav

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustav to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

President Bush prepares nation for Gustov

Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government’s response plans as hurricane Gustov approaches the Gulf Coast.

“First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coast in 2005, which means there is less for Gustov to destroy. That’s a blessing. Now, if you live along the Gulf Coast, rest assured the federal government is taking steps at this moment to bring coffee and donuts to each and every one of you. Kids will get surplus carrot juice.

“For those of you who might be displaced by the hurricane, we will have maps for you of every motel within 100 miles of the coastal region. Not only that, you will also receive a coupon for two free drinks at any Chuck E. Cheese in the country. No refills.

“We learned lessons from hurricane Katrina. Yes we did. People who lose their homes are unhappy people. We know this. So we are shipping to the region 300 tons of Prozac pills for anyone who’s feeling a little out-of-sorts about losing everything they own in life. They tell me that can be tough.

“Finally, let me assure everyone in the hurricane’s path that we have set up prayer circles in the White House and there will be people praying for you and your safety 24/7. Now if God don’t hear that, well, he must be wearing earplugs. [laugh] Anyway, thank you to everyone involved in this hurricane relief effort. You all are doing a heckuva job. God bless America.”

Cindy McCain: “I’m buying the presidency for John’s birthday.”

Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate John McCain, told a group of reporters that she is going to buy the presidency of the United States as a gift for John’s seventy-second birthday.

“I know it’s what he really wants, but don’t say anything to him. It’s going to be a surprise.”

Mrs. McCain has an estimated worth of $100 million. Asked how she planned to buy the presidency in a country where the president is elected, McCain laughed.

“Elected. Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re cute. Seriously, I’ve already put a down payment on it with the RNC, FOX News, ABC, and Diebold. All I need to do now is figure out how to wrap it.”

John McCain’s birthday is August 29, and Mrs. McCain said she will surprise him with the gift at a party in Phoenix.

“Year after year I get him ties or a Rolex or another villa in Tuscany…predictable things. This year will be special. He’ll be so surprised.”

A reporter mentioned laws prohibiting such a gift, but Mrs. McCain was undaunted.

“Don’t be absurd. This is America. Laws are for the silly little people. Now, you’re making me late for my Botox. Ciao.”

McCain wears pillowcase to Alabama press conference. Claims it’s for skin protection.

Selma, AL - Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at a press conference in Selma wearing a white pillowcase over his head with eye holes cut out. He apologized to the audience, telling them that his skin is highly sensitive to sunlight and he is very concerned about skin cancer.

An African-American reporter asked McCain if he understood the significance of his unusual attire.

“What? If you’re referring to the racist KKK, I am offended, Sir. Offended. That is ancient history and should be treated as such. To insinuate that I have a racist bone in my body is to insult me and my record of public service.”

Another reporter asked McCain if a wide-brim hat wouldn’t be enough to shield his face from the sun.

“I am a fiscal conservative. Hats are much more expensive than pillowcases, especially ones from the hotel room, which are free. And I don’t look good in a hat.”

A third questioner wanted to know if he wasn’t pandering to racist Southern voters. McCain exploded into a rant.

“You are slandering me and I won’t stand for it. That is a disgusting accusation, and if we were living in the Old South — a wonderful period in American history, I might add — I would challenge you to a duel to the death, my friend. You have insulted my honor and my reputation.”

McCain then gave what to many in the crowd looked like a Nazi salute and stormed from the podium, effectively bringing the press conference to a close.