Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Should you vote?

Note everyone who is eligible to vote should vote. That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn’t mean you’re qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn’t automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a thoughtful, well-informed voter.


The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Denzel Washington
e) Lon Chaney


The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) binary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian


The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta


The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin


The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) an alcoholic
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces


What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys mate
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) Michael Jackson issues a comeback CD


Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 365
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two


I have to pay a fee to vote.



Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Africa
e) Iowa

If you missed 1 – 3 answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you must turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Con U

Dear Mr. Andreini,

Thank you for your interest in the Media Pundit program at the deWhite School of Broadcasting. We take great pride in being #1 nationally for producing graduates who go on to positions at the cable news networks as political pundits and talk show hosts. The list of dWSB alumni is a virtual Who’s Who of cable and radio talkmeisters, and our job placement rate is an impressive 48 percent! Ann Coulter recently described dWSB as the Right Wing’s “School of Assassins.”

Enclosed in this packet of information about dWSB is a class schedule, financial aid information, a campus map and a sports calendar. As a prospective student, we invite you to attend a free intercollegiate volleyball match between our Lady Buckleys and their arch rivals, the Deer Bottom Tech Shivs.

The Media Pundit program is a finely tuned balance of classroom learning and on-air experience. All students entering the program begin with a series of core courses:

1011 Cutting Off Callers
1099 History of the Ad Hominem Attack
1298 The Bully: Misunderstood American Icon
1300 The Fine Art of Ridicule
1339 Public School Deprogramming
1366 Studio Tantrums and Tirades

From there, you will select a specialty field as your major. These include:

Battle Bitch
Corporate Lackey
Insufferable Antagonist
Blowhard Know-it-all
Moral Scold

As you can see, there are any number of academic options from which to choose. Yet dWSB isn’t only about lectures an tests. As a resident student, you’ll find an active campus community with numerous opportunities to become involved and develop your leadership skills. Our clubs and organizations include:

Campus Republicans
Earl Turner Theatre Troupe
Drill Team
Pistol Club
Rifle Club
Bazooka Club
Ground-to-Air Missile Club
FOX Fan Club
Debate Team
Campus Christians for Christ
Exotic Weapons Society
John Birch Memorial Men’s Choir

And of course, you’ll enjoy cheering on the Buckleys. We are part of the National Confederate Athletic Association and field men’s teams in football, basketball, baseball, hockey, boxing, wrestling, sword fighting, dueling and paintball. Women’s teams include volleyball.

Our gated 12-acre campus/compound is located near beautiful Hinton, West Virginia, which was ranked by the National Review as “one of America’s most livable cities.”

Thank you again for considering the deWhite School of Broadcasting. See you this fall!


Wendell Schmitt
Dean of Admissions

Rummy goes rabid

America’s crankiest old man Donald Rumsfeld is at it again. Before a sympathetic crowd of VFW flag-wavers in Reno, Nevada yesterday, Rummy basically called everyone who disagrees with the administration’s Iraq policies cowards and losers. That would include over two-thirds of his fellow citizens. Perhaps even one or two in his audience.

The Bush administration has branded me and virtually all of the people I know as cowards and America haters. How does it make you feel to be thought of by your government as something akin to a traitor for your views? We are nothing less than enemies of the State. Patches and ID tattoos to follow.

Rumsfeld has bungled every aspect of the Iraq war from troop strength to equipment to the post-war insurgency. The military leadership hates him, conservative pundits have called for his resignation, yet we are the cowards. This is a country turned upside down.

Americans are caught in the perfect storm of political incompetence. In any other administration in any other time, Rumsfeld would have been fired or reassigned, but when you’re a President with Congress and the Supreme Court covering your back, you can pretty much do as you damn well please.

Perhaps Rumsfeld’s alienating rhetoric is a sign of panic in the White House. Maybe the wheels are starting to come off the war wagon. We should be so lucky. In reality it is simply one more cynical, Rovian attack on what most of us like to think of as the democratic process. The only cowards in this sordid affair are those in the Bush administration who are unwilling to admit mistakes, but very willing to send other people off to die as a result of those mistakes.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Proud to be an American

I wake up every morning and thank my lucky stars that I’m an American. Every time I watch the news I’m reminded that the United States is the best place on earth. Think about it. I could be living in one of those horrible Middle Eastern countries where

The news is controlled and filtered to provide only the government’s viewpoint,

The people are superstitious and poorly educated,

Foreigners are not trusted,

Intellectuals are marginalized,

The government uses fear to retain power,

Education is a political tool,

Politicians reduce complex problems to emotionally volatile slogans,

Religion is used to divide people,

The government encourages corporations to rape the environment,

Political dissenters are attacked as unpatriotic,

Religious leaders preach hate and intolerance,

The government spends an inordinate amount of money on its military,

Elections are rigged,

Science is subservient to religion.

On second thought, I’m going back to bed.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bush: Will he snap?

The speed at which Bush is descending into the abyss of denial and delusion seems to increase daily. He recently dismissed the comments of his top general regarding the situation in Iraq with this incoherent babble: “You know, I hear people say, Well, civil war this, civil war that. The Iraqi people decided against civil war when they went to the ballot box.” The only use for a ballot box in Iraq now is for something to hide behind when the bullets start flying.

Bush is dangerously out of touch and he’s getting worse. Rove, Cheney, Rice—those closest to Mad King George—know that they can’t stop feeding his delusions or the house of cards will surely come tumbling down on all of them. And that, to me, is frightening.

We’ve got two years left. The question is, within that time frame, will there be a convergence, a “come to Jesus” moment for Bush when his Apocalyptic visions, arrogant self-righteousness, male insecurities and reality collide in some kind of mental nuclear fusion? Will he be sitting in a dark corner of the White House at 2 a.m., sipping on a gin and tonic, when he suddenly understands that the only way to save the world is to destroy it…now? Something snaps. The floor gives way. George calls for the man with the briefcase.

On the other hand, Bush may simply be too stupid to have a mental breakdown. There may be no alternative viewpoints in his tiny pointed head that could possibly intrude on his own one-dimensional vision of reality. The irony is that Bush’s comatose brain may actually be our best hope for survival.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

MSM momentarily befuddled

What’s interesting about this morning’s coverage of Lamont’s win over Lieberman in Connecticut are the news headlines I’ve read. The ones I’ve seen focus on Lieberman and what he plans to do about losing. “Lieberman Plans to Run as Independent,” is the preferred line. So typical of the media to spin it this way. How about, “Lamont Upsets Democratic Incumbent”? Or “Anti-war Lamont Defeats Lieberman”? Or, better yet, “Lieberman Succumbs to Bush’s Kiss of Death.”

The MSM seems momentarily discombobulated by Lamont’s victory. How could the establishment lose? Who threw the wrench into the political machinery? Over the past few decades, they have paid little to no attention to “the voice of the people,” instead parroting government-approved pundits and conventional wisdom. They will attempt to minimize the importance of this election by portraying it as an anomaly, a mere blip on the political radar.

I believe, I hope, Lieberman is the first domino to fall in a long line of Bush apologists and that events over the next few months will prove the MSM wrong. Again.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Mickey goes to war

Are we a militaristic nation? I don’t think many Americans would characterize us that way, yet our compunction to solve the world’s problems with bullets and bombs, our almost spiritual reverence of those who fight our wars and the continuing attempts by the NRA to arm every man, woman and child has to make one stop and wonder. And now this.

Today’s Washington Post reports that the Army “[is] considering allowing a private developer to build a 125-acre entertainment, hotel and conference center complex next to a national Army museum at Fort Belvoir that could draw more than 1 million people a year to traffic choked southern Fairfax County.”

It’s a military theme park, complete with M-1 tank rides for the kids and an entertainment district “…with bars like the “1st Division Lounge.”

The “visitor destination concept,” as the Army euphemistically refers to it, is actually a stroke of malevolent brilliance. How better to fill the ranks of the military in the future than by starting to indoctrinate the fertile minds of pre-schoolers today? “Mommy, when I grow up I wanna fly a Cobra Gunship.”

What appears to be left out of the plans for this Disneyland in fatigues is the actual consequences of war—death and destruction. The Post didn’t mention anything about the M.A.S.H. unit tour, where families can “…wallow in pools of blood as surgeons saw off limbs and cram intestines back into body cavities.” Or the ever popular, “Enemy Village Ride,” that takes you through a recently bombed hamlet and past the grotesquely broken and burned bodies of women and children.

Glorifying war and violence? Naw, it’s all good, clean fun at the Bloodiest Place on Earth.