Friday, December 29, 2006

The very short list of things stupider than sending 20,000 more American soldiers to Iraq.

• Wearing fire hats
• Repeatedly stabbing your penis with an ice pick
• Attending a Yanni/John Tesh concert
• Handing out sticks of dynamite to Halloween trick or treaters
• Shaving your pit bull with a straight razor
• Paying for a vowel on Wheel of Fortune
• Attempting to conquer Mt. Everest in the nude
• Marrying Mike Tyson
• Trusting George Bush

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Failed human #356,532,5338,907

Working on Andrew Getzman (Getz) was always amusing. Probing the poor human’s mind was like being lost in the labyrinth of Rummaltus—there was something fascinating and repulsive around every corner. How such an inept, unremarkable human had been chosen for harvesting was a question no one in the clinic could answer, nor would they try, for it was a decision made very, very far away.

The team always took a short break from sperm extraction and tracking device implantation to watch Getz’s latest lurid fantasy on the monitor. Over the years, the group had been treated to an encyclopedia of human sexual frustration and fetishes, yet there was always a thread of pathos in his personal fantasies that made them more intriguing than most.

During this visit to the galactic out-clinic, the theme was premature ejaculation. Every time he glanced at a woman’s foot he instantly became stiff and came in his pants. The scene repeated itself several times until after another embarrassing eruption, Getz began screaming as he had been staring at a goat’s hoof. Everyone around the operating table yipped several times, shook their large gray heads in pity and went back to work.

Getz saw himself screaming then realized he was screaming, sitting upright, drenched with sweat. He threw off his covers and jumped out of bed, walking around the room and stopping in confusion like a human bumper car.

It had happened again. Abducted. Right from his freaking bedroom. Just like all the other times when the grays came through the wall like micro-ninjas with helium-inflated heads to sedate and kidnap him. Words and phrases angrily erupted as he paced in his underwear.

“They got me again. Fuck.”

He stopped suddenly, stretched out the top of his briefs and inspected his genitals. Swooning, he reached down with one hand and pulled up an object to inspect it. His face contorted with agony as he stared at a smiley-face band-aid.

“Those bastards.”

He angrily threw the band aid at the wall, and then reached behind his neck, tearing off another band-aid.

“Scooby Doo?” he moaned, falling face down on his bed. “Oh God, what did they do to me this time? What did they do?”

Getz had given up trying to get help several abductions ago. No one took him seriously. Sure, he could show the band-aids to his shrink and say, ‘Look. Here’s your proof,’ but all he’d get for his trouble would be a condescending smile and another bill he couldn’t pay. He knew exactly how it would unfold.

“Andrew,” Dr. Eggers would say as he rested his chin on his fingertips. “A person can buy these band-aids at any Wal-Mart in America. Do you think the aliens shop at Wal-Mart?”

“If they cared about saving money, they would.” The moment this came out of his mouth, Getz new it was all wrong. Dr. Eggers laughed like a braying donkey. “I meant,” Getz continued, trying once again to make Eggers see the all too obvious web of connections, “the aliens would probably buy supplies like band-aids on earth. Maybe from Wal-Mart. They couldn’t let me go walking around with an actual alien band-aid stuck to my body. Now could they?”

Realizing that Getz wasn’t laughing with him, Dr. Eggers quickly transitioned back to his well-worn serious continence, although the jolt made him cough uncontrollably.

“I am…very sorry, Andrew, but I thought you were—”

“Joking. I know.”

“Perhaps you should start coming in twice a month.”

Thursday, December 21, 2006

George Will: The last serious man

Like a Christmas goose stuffed to overflowing with breadcrumbs and celery, George Will is completely full of shit. Unfortunately, we can’t put him in the oven for three hours to cook. I guess that would be considered murder.

In today’s column, Will bemoans Time magazine’s selection of person of the year, which happens to be everybody who uses the Web. Like a bewigged seventeenth century French aristocrat, Will arches an eyebrow and sneers at bloggers and others who dare to think that their lives or opinions are anything but an absolute snore.

“The most capacious modern entitlement is not to Social Security but to self-esteem. So Time's cover features a mirror-like panel. The reader -- but why bother to read the magazine when merely gazing at its cover gives intense gratification? -- can gaze at the reflection of his or her favorite person. Narcissism is news? Evidently.”

Will believes that 99.9% of what’s on the Web lacks seriousness. That is, of course, a ridiculous statement, but here is one that is not: 99.9% of all conservative commentators and pundits lack intellectual seriousness. Will tries to camouflage his vacuous ideas in professorial prose. Others, like O’Reilly and Limbaugh prefer intimidation and shouting. Nonetheless, on the intellectual seriousness meter, all fall below the “laughable” line.

Being the hopeless elitist he is, Will feels threatened by the Web. I’m sure George is convinced that only he and a handful of other syndicated columnists have anything useful or profound to say. The threat, however, comes not from any intellectually superior scribes, but from the sheer mass of writers who steal attention from the traditional, serious thought leaders.

“Most bloggers have the private purpose of expressing themselves, for their own satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with that, but nothing demanding or especially admirable, either.”

So there is nothing admirable in my desire to express myself. He’s right of course. Why would I want to express myself when I can read George Will expressing himself? He’s serious, you know.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Bush stuns world with press conference remarks

At a press conference today, President Bush said that insurgents in Iraq thwarted U.S. efforts at "establishing security and stability throughout the country'' in 2006. As reporters fell silent in shocked disbelief, the president went on, claiming that the sun is hot and that bears do shit in the woods.

The astonishing revelation that insurgents were hampering the U.S. effort in Iraq has reverberated around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair fainted after being given the news. Italian President Carlo Ciampi reportedly soiled himself. Other world leaders expressed disbelief.

In a second explosive observation, Bush declared that we are not winning in Iraq, but we’re not losing, either. The already shaken press corps tried to make sense of this statement. A reporter asked, “If we’re not winning and we’re not losing, what are we doing?”

The President responded: “We are winosing. It’s a combination of winning and losing.”

President Bush then tried to clarify a statement he made in November that the United States is “absolutely winning” in Iraq. “What I meant was that we were winning in my mind. When I think we are winning, that means we are winning. Now, I think we are winosing, so that’s what is happening now…in reality. Sometimes I get the two mixed up.”

Several reporters tried to ask follow-up questions, but were told to “shut your pie holes” by the President, who then quickly left the room under very tight security.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Bush is desperate. Dems need to pay attention.

In a last ditch effort to save face (after all, what could be more important than that?), President Bush wants to send 15,000 to 30,000 new troops to Iraq, over the objections of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

We all wondered what a desperate GW would do when all the cards came tumbling down, and now we know. He’s going to send more people to kill and be killed. Why didn’t I think of that?

Unfortunately for all of us, the madness of King George is not being taken with nearly the seriousness it deserves by Democrats in Washington. Still busy patting each other on the back after the November election, the Dems continue to treat Bush as if he is the legitimate Commander and Chief, and not the deranged demagogue he truly is.

The last six years have been a series of “Who could believe” moments. Who could believe national elections could be stolen? Who could believe that an inarticulate mental midget would hold the reigns of the last superpower on earth? Who could believe that any President would openly display such disdain for the people who elected him? Who could believe that the United States would become the Evil Empire to the rest of the world?

After all of this, why is it so hard to believe that we have a deranged and dangerous President sitting in the Oval Office; a President who wasn’t capable of making rationale decisions to begin with, but who is now under intense pressure to do something about the mess he created? The Democrats should not treat Bush’s present mental state lightly.

Sending more troops to Iraq is madness and must not be allowed.

Monday, December 18, 2006

My predictions for 2007

The Bush Twins will show up in an Argentinean porn film

Donald Rumsfeld will host a FOX News talk show called, “Grumpy Old White Men.”

San Francisco will be asked to secede from the Union

Dick Cheney will completely disappear

Iraqis will rebuild Saddam’s statue

The first verifiable alien-human contact will be caught on videotape at the Delmar, Iowa Gas ‘N Go.

The Republican Party will be declared a criminal enterprise under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) and forced to disband.

Oprah will buy Chicago

The National Enquirer will break the news that George Bush was caught in gay tryst under the headline, “Brokeback Rose Garden.”

Barak Obama will take the stage name B-Prez and make a Hip Hop CD

The U.S. will invade Iran with forces made up primarily of Boy Scouts, security guards and motorcycle gangs

Tofu will be deemed an illegal substance in three southern states with stiff fines and prison terms for distributing

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Satangate rocks the nation's capital

Recently leaked visitor records from Vice President Cheney’s office reveal a startling number of visits by Satan over the past six years. According to the records, the Vice President saw Satan more than 23 times since 2000.

Asked about the numerous meetings between the VP and the Prince of Darkness, a White House spokesperson said, “Vice President Cheney always meets with a wide variety of dignitaries and thought leaders to gather input prior to decision making. Satan is one voice among many. The relationship between the Vice President and Satan goes back many years, and Mr. Cheney respects the unique perspective Lucifer brings to the issues that face our nation.”

The Devil was not immediately available for comment, but his office provided a brief written response to our queries.

“Satan considers Vice President Cheney a close personal friend and has made himself available for consultation on occasion. Contrary to rumors, Satan has never ‘written policy’ for the Vice President nor have any deals been struck or contracts signed between the administration and the Evil One.”

Democrats are calling for an investigation into what is now being referred to as ‘Satangate.’ House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said she was shocked by the revelations.

“If true, this is outrageous. Satan is a huge contributor to the Republican party and has benefited in many ways from the policies of this administration. To say these meetings were nothing more than a yakfest between old friends truly insults our intelligence. I am calling for a thorough investigation of this issue to begin as soon as possible.”

Satan is not a stranger in Washington, D.C. and is often sighted at parties given by the Capital’s A-listers.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Are the Democrats in Congress listening?

The irony never ends in Bushworld. George, who seems intent on turning his Iraq horror show into a world-wide catastrophe, has been on a listening tour. A listening tour?

Helloooo. George? How about listening to the American people? They are telling you in no uncertain terms to pull our troops out of Iraq. They are screaming, “STOP THE MADNESS.”

Unfortunately, Bush only takes his fingers out of his ears for people who agree with him. He didn’t like what he heard from the Iraq Study Group (“I can’t hear yoooou”). He certainly doesn’t like what he hears from poll after poll on what Americans think about the war. So he’s scouring the country to find bobble heads who will confirm his delusions. It should be called the “selective listening tour.”

Odds makers are betting he will send more troops to Iraq, which is—in keeping with a long established pattern—exactly the wrong thing to do. Hey kids, let’s put out the fire by pouring gasoline on it. Let’s win the hearts and minds of Iraqis by killing them.

Congress must stop King George from committing more life-ending blunders. Nancy. Harry. Please, put impeachment back on the table, and soon. The people are talking to you, too. Are you listening?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Not Roses and Tears

A lady in red dances on your grave

Her bare feet are sore and dirty, but you…you are dead

Can you feel her twirling, leaping, rolling on the grass above you?

She seems exuberant that you can no longer move

Flailing arms, kicking legs, she snaps her head at the moon

It is all sinewy muscles stretching and retracting with beautiful tension

So quiet you can hear her joints singing

Is it cold down there?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Christmas gift ideas for George Bush

A new watch to help him tell time…as in, it’s time to leave Iraq. It’s time to stop going with your gut. It’s time to listen to people who are smarter than you (this would include most Americans).

A shovel and hip boots

A heart transplant

A six-week stay at the Baghdad Hilton

A subpoena

EFL (English as a First Language) lessons

One-way ticket to Paraguay

A bicycle with training wheels

A subscription to “Out” magazine

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Bush's response to the Iraq Study Group's report

The statement of President George Bush on receiving the Iraq Study Group report at a White House meeting today.

“Let me just say that I had the report read to me last night and believe me or not, I stayed awake through the whole thing. While it doesn’t contain the eternal truths found in “My Pet Goat,” or the bible, it is quite dramatic in its own right. I will definitely put it in my library. Now, a lot of people have said that I would disagree with the conclusions of this report, and they’re right. Leaving Iraq, even talking about leaving Iraq, anytime over the next two years is simply handing the country over to the enemy. After two years, who cares? But that is my point. I am not going to abandon the Iraqi people while I am president. They are evil, godless heathens, but I will not abandon them. That’s not what I’m about. It’s a great report. A wonderful report. But I urge all Americans to ignore it. For now. Thank you.”

Monday, December 04, 2006

Bye, bye, Bolton

John Bolton, the man who once quipped that if the U.N. lost ten stories it wouldn’t make any difference, and who was subsequently nominated to be U.N. ambassador (it makes perfect sense in Bushworld), has resigned. What’s Bolton to do now? Here are a few suggestions for the contentious, quick-tempered conservative:

Radio talk show host. “Oh yeah? My moustache could kick your ass.”

Marriage counselor. “He’s ugly and you’re fat. Can we agree on that?”

Good humor man. “Officer, the kid tried to stiff me for a quarter. He’s lucky a baseball bat was all I could get my hands on.”

Cowboy. “Whataya mean, have I ever seen Brokeback Mountain?”

Waiter. “Your soup’s cold? Here, let me piss in it. That’ll warm it up.”

Sunday school teacher. “I don’t care what your mommies and daddies said. You’re all going straight to hell. Any questions?”