Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Creepy Gnome Returns

Argentina's Creepy Gnome reappeared last week in a new locale, the town of Clodomira, Santiago del Estero province. Similar to the first episode, the phone-video sequence starts with footage of young people out late talking and dancing. Soon a black speck is visible on the screen moving up the dimly lit street toward the group. As it draws closer, the pointy-headed pygmy can be made out strolling awkwardly along the sidewalk. There is a terrified scream as the figure nears, and the video suddenly stops.

Authorities investigating the incident say they found no little person in the vicinity, but did discover a note tacked to a telephone pole that was signed, “Creepy Gnome.” The content of the note has been made public in hopes that someone might recognize the style or content and contact the police.

Dear friends,

As I sit by my small woodland fire writing this, I cannot help but recount the familiar words of the Bard from Act 2, Scene 7 of “As You Like it:”

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts...

Good people of Clodomira, I have played many parts in my life. Ambassador’s son. Oxford student. Successful diplomat. Advisor to world leaders. Then, for reasons only God knows, my near perfect existence started to implode. My beloved wife left me for a tattood carni named Garft who somehow was able to satisfy her in ways that I could not.

Then, while on the rebound from losing the love of my life, I was kidnapped by gypsies in Istanbul. They forced me to dress as a deformed child for the purpose of eliciting donations. Needless to say, I felt a prisoner, was a prisoner, and began drinking heavily and smoking opium.

I managed to escape from my tormentors somewhere in Uzbekistan, and made my way through field and forest to the shores of the Mediterranean, where I stowed away on an oil tanker bound for Brazil. In Sao Paulo, I was taken in by a friendly man who said he made nature videos, but whom I quickly discovered was a pornographer who specialized in bestiality. The shame of that period lingers with me still.

From there I have traveled through the jungles and mountains and barrios of this huge continent, searching for peace and a warm bed, but finding only scorn and humiliation. I plead with you that the next time you see me, you do not run in fear or scream, but extend your hand and show mercy to one so small who has suffered so greatly.

Sartre understood my world when he wrote: “Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough.”

I feel I have hurt quite enough.

Desmond R. Whitherton III, aka Creepy Gnome

Monday, October 20, 2008

Michele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals

In an interview with a Minneapolis radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals.

“It’s a win/win situation,” said Bachmann. “Cattle farmers will no longer have to pay for expensive feed or fertilizer, and we’ll get rid of all those un-American, terrorist-loving liberals at the same time. It’s perfect.”

Asked whether this wouldn’t be considered mass murder or genocide, Bachmann scoffed. “That would only apply if we were talking about real Americans. Then it would be a crime. But these are liberals. Don’t you see? They hate America and every thing it stands for. Why should they be allowed to suck up perfectly good air? That’s the real question.”

A caller wondered how the process would work and whether there might be a financial reward for turning in liberals. “Oh, absolutely,” Bachmann replied. “We would have to depend on our citizens to do the patriotic thing and hand over any liberals they know to the government. Our nation is at stake here people. This is serious.”

Bachmann said she has held talks with national feed and fertilizer companies, and that they have expressed guarded interest in the idea.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Palin opens gift shop on her website

Vice presidential hopeful Sara Palin now has a gift shop on her website with campaign related products designed to appeal to her most avid supporters. “Every cent will go toward the McCain/Palin ticket,” said the staff member overseeing the endeavor. Product offerings have created a stir among Democrats who object to what they claim are racially charged items.

“Here’s one example,” said a representative from the Democratic National Committee (DNC). “They sell a ‘Palin Rally Pack’ that consists of a pitchfork, a torch, and rope. What kind of message is that trying to send?”

The DNC representative was also upset by the ‘B.O. silhouette for target practice.’ A spokesperson for Palin claimed the B.O. initials stood for ‘Black Oppressor” and not Barak Obama.

The DNC rep was not convinced. “Either way, it’s racially tinged. They’re appealing to bigots and racists and inciting them toward violence.”

According to the Palin team, the hottest selling item is the Anthrax Stationary Set, which includes the addresses of every senator and congressperson now in office. “As attractive as it is,” noted the gift shop director, “the paper and ink are untraceable. It’s the perfect Christmas gift.”

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Couric interview shocker: Palin can’t remember children’s names

New York City, NY - In a previously unreleased segment of Katie Couric’s recent interview with McCain running mate Sarah Palin, Couric asked Palin about her children and how they would react if Mommy was vice president of the United States. Palin initially denied she had any children, but when pressed, admitted that they did exist.

Couric: Why would you say you don’t have any children when you clearly do?

Palin: I thought we were talking about undocumented workers.

Couric: That was several questions ago.

Palin: My family is very special to me. I love them all very, very much.

Couric: Now your children have interesting and unique names. Can you talk about how you chose their names?

Palin: No.

Couric: Excuse me?

Palin: I’d rather not discuss my personal life.

Couric: You brought your family to the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret you have five children. I just wanted to know about their names.

Palin: Can we talk about offshore drilling? I have notes on that.

Couric: What are your children’s names?

Palin: I would be more than happy to get back to you regarding that question.

Couric: Your husband?

Palin: John…Todd. Oh, now you’ve really got me flustered. I feel like the media has my life under a telescope.