Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Speech I'd Like To Hear Bush Deliver Tonight

Fellow Americans. I stand here before you tonight a humbled man. Today, early this morning, I sat in a small room off of the Oval Office alone, in meditation, and I did something I hadn’t done up until that moment. I reflected on my time as President, silently, in prayer, and I thought back on the decisions I’d made on many issues over the past four years. I asked God, and myself, “Have I done the right thing?” To my surprise, I was suddenly overcome by tears and I wept. I couldn’t stop myself from bawling like a baby. My mistakes, arrogant, prideful mistakes, filled me like some dark spirit filling an empty bottle. I was consumed with dread and fear. And it said to me, “Behold the truth or I will be your companion for eternity.”

I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.

Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.

I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.

I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.

My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Class, your attention please...

Okay, Democrats, let’s go through this one more time:

Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.

Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.

Class dismissed.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

His Highness Will See You Now

“Coming to office after the more casual Clinton administration, Bush imposed a strict dress code and standards of promptness for employees, visitors and even the rumpled press corps.” Houston Chronicle, June 18, 2005.

That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.

May 28, 2005

Office of White House Decorum

To all;

When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:

1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Thanks For All You Do


DATE: June 7, 2005

FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett

TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.

Dear Friends,

I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.

However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.

The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.