Monday, February 27, 2006

It's a hate/hate relationship

WASHINGTON D.C. -- A new CBS News poll puts President Bush’s favorable rating at 34%, the lowest it has been during his presidency. In a controversial decision, CBS chose not to mention the poll results on its nightly news program. A spokesperson for the network said that this negative news for the President, coming within eight months of a national election, could be considered, “a partisan attack on Bush’s administration,” and unfairly bias voters.

Republican National Committee chairman Ken Melman dismissed the poll, claiming it was skewed towards, “living, non-institutionalized Americans.” Melman noted that conspicuously absent from the list of those polled were the criminally insane, death row inmates, zombies and Fortune 100 CEOs.

In the same poll, Vice President Dick Cheney’s favorable rating fell to an unprecedented 18%. Research reveals that Cheney’s favorable rating falls below the following among Americans:

A root canal
Speaking in public
Being attacked by elephant-sized scorpions
A tax audit
Being rejected by “The Bachelor”
Poking one’s eyes with knitting needles

Vice President Cheney’s office attempted to put a silver lining on the poll results by claiming that the numbers would rebound, “Everyday Dick doesn’t shoot someone in the face.”

Thursday, February 23, 2006

George Bush, Starring as...

...Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek.

The bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

Captain, we are entering the Mecca star system.

Speak English, Mr. Spock.

The Mecca star system consists of three major planets, Orbus, Mobus and Imbus. We were sent here to investigate allegations that the Klingons have built a major military outpost on Orbus.

Excellent. We’ll attack Mobus at 0400.

But, Captain…

Dammit all, Spock. Who’s running this ship?

I am, Sir. And the Klingon base is on Orbus. Why would we attack Mobus?

Spock, many years ago, my father came to this system to do exactly what we are doing; hunt down Klingons. He was attacked by a fleet of Klingon scum and his ship suffered major damage and he was drawn into Mobus’ gravitational pull. He and his crew perished on the planet’s surface. Ergo, it must be destroyed.

Captain, if I might just--

You may not. Mr. Sulu, steer us to sector Gamma.

Captain, that will take us away from our intended target.

Of course it will. As Captain of the ship, I must direct this military campaign from a safe distance. Besides, Mr. Spock, I know
there are Klingons on Mobus.

Mobus has a surface temperature of 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing can live on that planet.

That’s what the scientists will tell you, but they’re wrong. My gut tells me Klingons cover the planet’s surface like a fungus, building their damnable weapons of mass destruction.

Your thought process is highly illogical, Captain.

Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Warp five, Mr. Sulu….

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The First Cut is the Deepest

Less than a week after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington while quail hunting in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney stabbed his wife Lynne in what the White House is calling “a kitchen accident.”

The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.

Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.

An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.

Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Camp Nevada

The transcript from today’s White House press briefing.


MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon, everyone.

I don’t have a prepared statement for today so we can go ahead with questions. Yes.

QUESTION: Scottie, we have been hearing reports today about the construction of three large government facilities of some sort in remote parts of Nevada. A Halliburton construction worker at one of the sites said they resemble concentration camps. Are they?

MCCLELLAN: No. That’s absolutely ridiculous. These facilities are government storage facilities. Nothing more.

QUESTION: Follow-up. They are described as being surrounded by fences with razor wire and as having guard towers.

MCCLELLAN: Those are ordinary security measures for these types of facilities. In the back.

QUESTION: What will be stored at these places?

MCCLELLAN: Whatever needs to be stored at these types of facilities.

QUESTION: Are they related in any way to the war on terror?

MCCLELLAN: Yes. The fact that we are discussing them already puts their usefulness in jeopardy, but they are intended to be important instillations related to the war on terror.

QUESTION: When you say ‘storage,’ do you mean equipment, supplies, etc.?

MCCLELLAN: That is correct.

QUESTION: What about people? Would they ever be used to house people?

MCCLELLAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war with fiends whose only goal is to destroy us and our way of life. They do not hesitate to kidnap and torture westerners when they have a chance. They want to crush us. It’s that simple. We need to have weapons that are potent enough to meet this threat and overcome it. With that in mind, these facilities being built in Nevada will, in very rare cases, be used to house known terrorists and sympathizers. But—

QUESTION: Scottie, what do you mean by ‘sympathizers?’

MCCLELLAN: Obviously, those people who would lend aid and comfort to the enemy through their words and deeds.

QUESTION: Words? Can you be more specific?

MCCLELLAN: The enemies of freedom and democracy take many forms. They do not all wear turbans and live in the Middle East. Here in our own country we have people who work tirelessly day and night to undermine our fight against terrorism.

QUESTION: Do you mean administration critics?

MCCLELLAN: Actually, I was pointing to the person behind you.

QUESTION: Congress has approved the construction of these facilities and sees them as a necessary effort in our continuing struggle against the forces of evil. What do you think are the motives of those who criticize this much needed project.

MCCLELLAN: This type of criticism is generally from people who are ill-informed or have a partisan ax to grind. In America, everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but in the state of war in which we find ourselves, critics can unwittingly lend comfort to our enemies. We need to monitor that very closely if we are to prevail.

QUESTION: Switching gears, Scottie, the President is at his Texas ranch today. Will he be clearing brush?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Conspiracy Theory or Conspiracy?

I find it interesting that the mainstream news media treat conspiracy theorists as lepers and lunatics, yet the entertainment side of the same networks will spend many millions of dollars creating specials that purport to seriously investigate UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle and all manner of unsubstantiated plots and schemes. It ain’t news, but it sure is profitable.

One reason that I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories is that a portion of them turn out to be true. There was a conspiracy by the government to underreport deaths during the Vietnam war. There was a conspiracy to cover up the Watergate break-in. Project Blue Book was actually a public relations attempt to end the UFO debate among Americans. Is the government hiding alien bodies in a subterranean freezer? Probably not. But, I won’t rule it out completely.

A number of conspiracy theories have surfaced on the internet since 9/11 relating to our government’s involvement in that atrocity. They have, of course, been summarily dismissed by the MSM. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. One theory that I have heard before is that the World Trade Center towers could not have fallen the way they did as the result of an airliner’s impact. The implication being that there were explosives used to actually bring down the buildings. I have regarded this the same way I’m sure many others have. It’s interesting as theory, but far too horrendous and “out there” to be taken seriously.

That was until I was directed to Here, a group calling itself Scholars for 9/11 Truth, presents a scientific evaluation of exactly how the towers fell. They come to the startling conclusion that it could not have happened the way the government says it did. The towers could only have fallen the way they did as the result of a carefully orchestrated serious of explosions, the type of explosions typically used to demolish large buildings.

It is very hard to get one’s head around this possibility. Someone, or some group of people, set explosive charges in the Twin Towers prior to 9/11, and then detonated those explosives when the planes hit the towers. Was this whole tragedy a precisely planned event by our own government? The evidence provided by the Scholars for 9/11 Truth is very compelling, and very frightening. I urge you to read their findings and decide for yourself. Is it another lunatic conspiracy theory or a rational, scientific examination of the facts? If it’s the former, we can file it between Amelia Earhart and Yeti in the X-Files and forget about it. If it is the latter, the future of our democracy is in far greater danger than we ever imagined.