The First Cut is the Deepest

Less than a week after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington while quail hunting in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney stabbed his wife Lynne in what the White House is calling “a kitchen accident.”

The incident, described in a press release from Cheney’s office, happened while the Cheney’s were preparing a salad together in the kitchen of their home. According to the release, the Vice President was cutting celery when “…the knife slipped and entered Mrs. Cheney’s abdomen four times.” It goes on to say that Mrs. Cheney failed to alert her husband that she was moving from the sink to the counter, which startled the Vice President and resulted in the multiple punctures.

Although the memo refers to Mrs. Cheney’s injuries as “little more than paper cuts,” a spokesperson from the hospital where the victim was rushed admitted that the Vice President’s wife is on life support in intensive care.

An administration source who asked to remain anonymous said alcohol may have played a part in the accident. According to the source, the Vice President told paramedics who arrived first on the scene that his wife had been stabbed by drug-crazed hippies from the planet Lesbos.

Vice President Cheney has not scheduled a press conference to discuss the incident, but he has agreed to be a guest voice on an upcoming episode of The Simpsons, where he will explain his version of the event to Homer.