Thursday, December 20, 2007

“Santa” Cheney says naughty children could be waterboarded

At this year’s holiday party for Vice President Cheney’s staff, the VP himself donned the baggy red and white Santa suit and “Ho, ho, ho’d” his way around the room. After passing out presents to the children, Santa Cheney assembled the little ones and gave them some inspirational advice.

“You must be vigilant, children. Islamo-fascists can be anywhere, so be sure and check under your bed and in your closet before you go to sleep at night. And Santa hopes you will report any suspicious activity you see to Homeland Security, even if it’s Mommy or Daddy. Say your prayers, brush your teeth, and tell your parents that Santa wants them to vote Republican in November. Merry Christmas.”

An attempt was made to have children sit on Santa’s lap for photos, but this event had to be cut short as the panicked screams of the little ones brought Capital Security Guards rushing into the party with weapons drawn.

As he departed, Santa Cheney left the attendees with a final piece of holiday advice. “Be good, boys and girls, because if you’re naughty, Santa might rendition you to Syria for some “aggressive interrogation.” Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas everyone.”

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

President Bush to be a Space Case in Upcoming Bio

Washington, D.C. - Novelist Michael Crichton has been chosen to write the official biography of George Bush after the president steps down from office in January 2009. The author of the extremely popular Jurassic Park and co-creator of the long-running television show ER, Crichton was asked at the announcement ceremony why Bush chose a fiction writer over a well-known biographer.

“I’ve discussed this with the president, and he would like to take a slightly different approach to his biography. It’s going to be set on a mythical planet in the future.”

A reporter asked how the book could be called a biography if it is set in a fictional time and place.

“The essence of George Bush’s life and presidency will be retained, I assure you. It is simply a creative setting in which the story will unfold.”

“So he’ll be president on another planet?” a reporter asked.

“No. At his request, his title will be Supreme Eternal Overlord, and he will have mystical powers to see into peoples’ minds and never suffer from hangovers.”

Crichton also revealed that First Lady Laura Bush will be portrayed as a voluptuous green mute from the planet Sexomite and Vice President Dick Chaney will be represented as an evil black hole which consumes everything in its path.

“This is the creative challenge of a lifetime,” noted Crichton. “Portraying the president as an intergalactic superhero with god-like powers and still staying true to his life story won’t be a walk in the park, but I’ve had tougher assignments, like trying to disprove global warming.”

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What's in a name? Ask Jesus Christ O'Reilly

Conservative talk show host, author, and defender of Christmas Bill O’Reilly announced today that he is legally changing his first name to Jesus Christ.

“I’m just sick and tired of all of the equivocation and trepidation when it comes to saying ‘Jesus’ out loud anywhere but a church. We’re a Christian nation with a Christian heritage and if Jesus came back today, there is no doubt in my mind he would stop in America first. He has an open invitation to be on my show, by the way. So my new moniker will force the weak and the timid to speak the Son of God’s name out loud.”

Christian leaders from around the nation expressed mixed reactions to O’Reilly’s new name. The Reverend Charles Griffin, who leads a congregation of thousands at the Our Savior Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, expressed the views of many protestant clergy.

“Blasphemy. The man has gone insane. There is only one Jesus Christ, and Bill O’Reilly ain’t him.”

However, televangelist Pat Robertson feels O’Reilly is advancing the cause of Christianity.

“Think how many people will now utter the name Jesus Christ and not be swearing. I would like to see more people change their names to Biblical ones. I’m seriously considering becoming Nebuchadnezzar Robertson.”

The Vatican minced no words in a memo condemning O’Reilly, calling him, “…a dangerous buffoon and a heretic.”

Callers to O’Reilly’s talk show, The O’Reilly Factor, have also been split. Although many callers used long strings of profanity, some, like Mildred from Omaha, applauded the change. “I know Jesus is pleased because we had breakfast together today and he told me how proud he was of Mr. O’Reilly.”

O’Reilly is also working on a new book entitled, “What Would I Do?”

Friday, December 14, 2007

Two names. One party.

The Democrats in congress are pitiful. All signs indicate that they are going to help pass Bush’s version of the FISA bill that will give telecommunications companies amnesty for past wrong doing, and Harry Reid is leading the way.

The cowardice and capitulation of the Dems in congress is well documented. Americans are told that they live under a two-party political system, but that is simply one more Washington-chopped-down-the-cherry-tree myth in a long line of American myths. Our country is governed by a single political party shackled to the money and influence of major corporations. The one-percenters who run corporate America decide which candidates get huge donations and which do not based on a rather simple formula: How compliant will the candidate be to the industries’ wishes (Clinton, very. Kucinich, not so much).

I think this could explain the FISA vote. Congressional leaders have decided that the 2008 election is the most important priority on the planet, and everything they do is weighed and balanced against this singular event. Obviously, holding the Telecomm giants responsible for their evil deeds would make them very unhappy, and much less likely to pull out the checkbook when a Democrat comes knocking.

George Bush is a dangerous idiot who has brought this country closer to implosion than any other president in our history, but he is also a beneficiary of the same corrupt system that lands Democrats in the White House from time to time. Sure, I’ll vote for a Democrat next November, but I view it as a choice not between competing ideologies, but between the flu and the Black Plague.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Talking Jesus Action Figure

The Talking Jesus Action Figure has sold out at Wal Mart. You still might be able to find a talking Mary or Moses. They’re poseable. Each action figure comes with Velcro so you can attach it to the dashboard of your car or tractor and commune with the holy ones while you drive.

The Jesus action figure comes with a long list of instructions about appropriate behavior with the doll. After all, it’s the Son of God. Here is a sample.

Never look under Jesus’ robe

Jesus does not need a bath

Do not dress Jesus in G.I. Joe or Barbie clothes

You must never decorate Jesus’ robe with Magic Markers or crayons

Jesus never wears make-up

Jesus walks where ever he goes. He does not ride a motorcycle or a skateboard or the family cat.

Do not involve Jesus in battles with other action figures. However, if you remember this rule too late and Jesus is locked in combat with Spiderman or the Hulk, the Son of God must always win.

Never allow your teenage brothers or sisters to play with Jesus. Or your parents, for that matter.

Do not put Jesus in the Gerbil cage.