Saturday, March 26, 2005

I'll Tell You When You're Dead

Dear friends of life,

As we fight the war for the life of Terri Schiavo, another travesty of the human spirit has made itself known to me. A young boy in Mississippi lies in a hospital bed fighting for his very existence. Little nine-year old Billy Sterling suffered a series of horrendous accidents recently. It appears he was thrown from the back of a speeding pickup truck (may the driver get the death penalty) into the Waxikootchie river, where he was swept over a dam to the rocks sixty feet below. Duck hunters in a blind near the falls thought the poor boy was a large goose flying down from the top of the falls and fired on him a number of times. Upon realizing their mistake, the hunters took their boat out into the water in an attempt to save the boy, only to run over the floating body several times. They had just managed to get the child’s limp body into the boat when they were rammed by a drunken jet ski operator, hurling Billy back into the raging water, where he was swept farther downstream and into a hydroelectric facility along the river. Workers rescued what was left of brave little Billy, but now, while Billy lies in his hospital bed, fighting the fight of his short life, his mother wants to pull the plug on his existence. Yes, he’s missing three limbs and half his head. Yes, he was declared clinically dead. And, yes, they have already removed some organs. But Billy lives…with the assistance of $500,000 worth of medical equipment. A life is a life, Dear Friends. We can’t let the Democrats kill one more human being, and mark my words; Billy’s mother is a card-carrying member of the liberal establishment for whom life is something to be thrown away on a whim. This is not “grandstanding” as liberals would have you believe, nor is it an attempt to play on your sympathies for money (although you may feel free to include a donation). We are fighting for the right to life. Every life is important, even if some wisenheimer doctor says you’re dead. I’m a doctor, and I have never said, “You’re dead” to anyone who wasn’t 100 percent dead. That’s the difference. Help us stop the culture of death.


Senator Bill “Dr. Life” Frist, MD

Sunday, March 20, 2005

What’s The Frequency, Dubya?

This is an excerpt from a recent administration-sponsored “Town Hall” meeting on Social Security. The meeting was cut short when there appeared to be problems with Bush’s electronic listening device.

President Bush
“…so, as you can clearly see my friends, the problems with social security cannot wait another five or ten years. We have to act now. We can’t just sit by and watch…the Yankees go ahead by two runs…. Uh…excuse me. What I meant to say was that we can’t sit by and watch the program go down the tubes and do nothing. We’re talking about the future of your children, who deserve…to hear the latest from Rob Zombie, ‘Living Dead Girl.’ (pause) I…seem to be a little tongue-tied today, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry. But I urge you to contact your representatives in Washington and tell them to…bring down Commander Hillary and her battalions of femi-nazis…. (under his breath) A little help here. (to the audience) Tell them that they must act now to save social security and not put future generations at risk of being…caught in a downpour in Schenectady this afternoon. Today’s highs will be…. Okay….I’m feeling a little under the weather, friends, so I’m going to conclude now by thanking you for coming out today and…supporting liberal radio on Air America. This is Al Franken signing off…. (Bush faints and is whisked away)

Saturday, March 19, 2005


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
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It is essential to the selection process that you answer the following questions honestly.

1. I believe government is the problem, not the solution. Yes____ No____
2. I live by the rule: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Yes_____ No____
3. I believe that by nature, most people are devious and untrustworthy. Yes____ No___
4. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century. Yes____ No____
5. I’m a “half-empty” kind of person. Yes_____ No_____
6. Logic and reason are clever propaganda tools of the elite. Yes____ No____
7. The earth is only about 10,000 years old. Yes____ No____
8. The United Nations is Satan’s beachhead in America. Yes____ No____
9. I have seen “The Passion of the Christ” _____ times.
10. I watch FOX News regularly and lust after Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity (circle appropriate gender). Yes_____ No_____
11. I would be willing to hurl my body in front of the President and serve as a human shield should there ever be an assassination attempt. Yes____ No____

Thank you for your interest in working at the White House. You will be contacted if we feel your qualifications match an existing opening.

Signature________________________ Date_____________________

Friday, March 11, 2005

Free Speech: In The Lie Of The Beholder

Emmy-award winning writer/producer Bill Cummings was secretly tapped during a meeting between himself and two FOX network executives during a script review for an episode of his hit TV courtroom drama, “New World Justice.”

(Rustling in background as meeting starts)

Exec. 1
Bill, how are you?

Great. Busy, as always.

Exec. 1
Bill, this is _______. He’s out of the Broadcast Standards and Practices Department.

Nice to meet you. I think….

Exec. 2
No need to worry, Bill. As you know, the FCC is a rabid dog on the loose these days, and we just need to make sure we don’t attract any attention from them. No big deal. There’s only a couple of concerns about the “Hang Hillary High” episode.


Exec. 2
So, let’s just chat about the title.

The title? Wow. I spent hours toning it down.

Exec. 1
Bill, you know how we all feel about that woman, but advocating her death in the episode title is just a little much.

Interesting. Never thought I’d hear this from you guys.

It’s the climate. Everyone has to be so PC these days. You understand.

Okay. What’s next?

Exec. 2
There are some concerns about the plot itself. Portraying Hillary Clinton as a serial killer may not fly with the FCC or her lawyers.

Come on. It’s common knowledge on the Net. Don’t you guys ever read blogs?

Exec. 1
Agreed, there are some compelling arguments, but nothing solid, Bill. Nothing that would stand in a court of law.

Not in front of your typical liberal judge, but—

Exec. 2
Let’s tone it down and avoid problems. Okay?

You’re ripping the guts out of my work, you know.

Exec. 1
We don’t like this any more than you do, Bill.

Exec. 2
Then there is a the car chase, where you have Rock pursuing Hillary through the city streets. We felt having her run over an entire kindergarten class on a field trip was a bit much.

You know she’s capable of it.

Exec. 1
Regardless, whether she would ever actually do that is debatable.

This isn’t a documentary. It’s fiction. Pure fiction.

Exec. 2
But we would be tangling with a powerful individual, Bill. We don’t need that. Okay? Finally, in the scene right before she’s riddled with bullets from Agent Lewinsky—

You like that? Lewinsky?

Exec. 2
Uh, you have Hillary performing a satanic ritual in her basement, summoning the (puts on his glasses and reads from the script), “…agents of the evil one to arise and rid the world of God-fearing white conservatives forever.” (takes off his glasses) Bill—

Okay. Okay. You don’t have to say it. I’ll scratch “white.”

Exec. 1
(to Exec. 2) Well, that works for me.

Exec. 2
Perfect. That’s it. Thanks so much for your cooperation, Bill.

Sure. One day we’ll be able to speak the truth. Right?

Exec. 1
Amen to that.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Ex-President Bush Suffers Case of Delirium

WASHINGTON – Attributed to the sweltering heat and humidity in Sri Lanka where he is overseeing tsunami relief efforts, former President George H.W. Bush made a series of startling confessions to a group of international reporters yesterday.

The incident was touched off when a reporter who had been with President Bush on a trip to Warsaw 16 years earlier, reminded the ex-president of the “raincoat incident.” A woman, one of thousands of onlookers, was caught unprepared in a downpour at the president's outdoor speech in the capital in 1989. Alongside her was a U.S. Secret Service agent with a raincoat folded over his arm, which everyone assumed was the presidents.

Bush motioned for the agent to give the soaked woman the coat. The incident was reported as a kindly gesture by the president, but when reminded of the incident, Bush declared, ``Yes, but it was the agent's raincoat.''

The president, however, didn’t stop there. He went on to tell the stunned reporters that he knew who really shot President John F. Kennedy; that he personally negotiated to have the Iranian hostages held until after Reagan’s inauguration; that he was b****-slapped by Nancy Reagan several times; that his son, the current president, is mildly retarded; that he threw up into the Japanese prime minister’s lap on purpose; and that he told his son that if he didn’t bring down Saddam Hussein, he could forget about ever driving the boat at Kennebunkport again.

Aides quickly interceded and had the ex-president rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment. Reporters where later briefed that Mr. Bush had suffered from a bout of temporary delirium, and that all statements were to be considered heat induced and not to be taken as fact. President Bush, clearing brush at his Texas ranch, could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Are You Paying Too Much For Torture?

March 1, 2005

Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. Secretary,

I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.

Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.

In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.


Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay