Friday, December 28, 2012

Dawn or Dusk in America?

I wish I felt more optimistic as I watch the dawn of a new year unfold. Unfortunately, as the “Whew” factor many of us felt after Obama won reelection fades, we’re faced once again with the overarching reality of our present condition — rather than a “dawn,” we’re watching the sun setting on a once great democracy.

A short quote from an upcoming interview with Matt Damon in Playboy brought me back to reality. He says, “It’s easier now more than ever in my life to feel the fix is in, the game is rigged and no matter how hard you work to change things, it just doesn’t matter.” Not an earthshattering insight, but it nonetheless drives home the fundamental state of our nation. Corporate interests — Wall Street, the Fortune 500, defense contractors, gas and oil companies — drive national policy through their many tentacles wrapped around Washington, D.C., and their primary interest is not with the welfare of American citizens or even with the health of our economy, but with profit.

Like others, I was caught up in the moment of Obama’s recent victory, thinking that the good guys had won and they were gonna ride into town, clean out the riff-raff and save democracy, but I came down from that acid trip pretty quickly. The “fiscal cliff” lunacy looms over us, but that’s only one symptom of a serious illness that has infected the body politic in America. Our government is a corporate subsidiary. Forget the quotes of Washington or Jefferson or Lincoln. The only quote that continues to carry any weight, and the one quote that should be chiseled into the monuments and porticos of D.C. is from Charles Erwin Wilson, Secretary of Defense under Eisenhower and CEO of General Motors in the 1950s, who said, “What’s good for GE is good for America.” This is the mindset that is dragging this country down to its knees.

Change? It’s not in the cards, at least, not in the near future. What kind of a country have we become when the Occupy Movement, last year’s minor blip of protest against the current political machine, was treated as a domestic terrorist group by the FBI? In today’s world, simply protesting the status quo can get you lumped together with those organizations that would blow up planes or perpetrate suicide attacks. Our phone conversations and Internet usage are monitored, our movements tracked, our privacy stolen.

Americans are complacent and deluded, and it will take a much larger shock to the system than even the 2008 financial crisis to shake them out of their trance. If nothing significant changes in Washington, D.C., and there’s no reason to believe it will, that catastrophe will happen. The only questions is; will it be too late? 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

George Will: The Eloquent Buffoon

Conservative columnist George Will cracks me up. Here’s a guy with the vocabulary of an English Professor, but the mental capacity of a chimpanzee (apologies to chimps everywhere). He’s a gold-plated Timex. A Neanderthal in a tuxedo. In a recent editorial, he argued that low voter turnout in U.S. elections was actually a good thing and no one should be concerned about it, especially not our intrusive, bumbling government, which could one day mandate voting.

He uses high-point Scrabble words and a quote about Carl Sandburg to argue that one of the pillars of a true democracy, citizens voting in elections, just isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, and people who are apathetic, people with “weak motivation,” shouldn’t be voting anyway. And of course, he drags in the Nazis. He seriously argues that high voter turnout is not necessarily a good thing because the Nazis won elections in Germany with high voter turnout.

Let’s start with the fact that 60 million adult citizens in America are not even registered to vote. Then consider that in the 2012 presidential election, only 57.5% of registered voters turned out at the polls. Do the arithmetic and it means that 94 million eligible Americans did not cast ballots for the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet. Ninety-four million. And to George Will, this isn’t an issue.

Well, gosh. I certainly ain’t as smart as Mr. Will, but it just doesn’t make any sense to say that low voter turnout is a good thing in a democracy. Unless you’re a Republican. Traditionally, the lower the voter turnout in an election, the better Republicans do. George Will wouldn’t possibly be arguing that up is down and black is white simply because he’s a card-carrying Republican, would he? He wouldn’t be trying to enchant us by wrapping a partisan, undemocratic turd of an idea in satiny words, would he?

Maybe we should just do away with elections altogether or — and this is probably an idea that Will would embrace — we only allow citizens of a certain high net worth cast ballots for our leaders. George Will could make even that idea sound good.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Maybe the world did end

Best headline of the day: NFL Star Offers Kids Financial Advice. Mmm. Who on the planet would I never, ever want to take financial advice from? Bernie Madoff, John Boehner, my Uncle Al, and…any professional athlete. Maybe the world did end and I’m living in a parallel universe. If I see the headline, Rush Limbaugh To Teach Logic and Critical Thinking at Harvard, I will know the Mayans were right.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Goodbye everybody

Well, it’s been a busy last day. I quit my job, closed out my bank accounts, maxed out my credit cards, sent goodbye emails to all of my loved ones, made my ascension clothes out of an old bathrobe, and I’m writing this from a mountaintop near Sedona, Arizona. I will ring in the apocalypse with finger symbols and generous quantities of scotch. My only source of concern is that I don’t know which direction to face. I don’t want the end of the world to happen behind me. There are several people up here with me, all obviously tripping on acid.

I’ve been chanting and drinking all night. Sun’s just now starting to come up.

A lot of people told me I was crazy, but

Monday, December 17, 2012

Will We Finally Come to Our Senses on Gun Control?

As you would expect, there has been no shortage of insensitive, offensive and downright ridiculous statements from conservative pundits regarding the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Anyone who says that those children died because there wasn’t a Bible in the classroom or a cross hanging on the wall should be involuntarily committed. However, the most Orwellian war-is-peace claim is one we’ve heard before after tragedies like this; if teachers had guns, the murderer could have been stopped sooner.

More guns would have helped. Right. On the surface this is a genuinely illogical argument. But let’s go just a step deeper. Police carry guns, but they also have extensive training in how to use these weapons, and perhaps more importantly, they have training and experience in how to react in stressful situations. Showing a teacher where the safety is and how to aim a weapon is only one part of the equation. Are they also going to go through training on how to react in the event someone enters their classroom and begins shooting? Will they be confident and calm enough to NOT start spraying the room with bullets? Expecting teachers to act rationally and with restraint in an irrational, highly emotional, life and death situation is a fantasy.

More guns in the hands of more people is absolutely not the answer. And I am guardedly optimistic that the horror of Sandy Hook may actually motivate our leaders to start implementing some common sense gun laws in this country. We are, unfortunately, a violent country when compared to other first world nations. We need to do a far better job of keeping guns out of the hands of criminals and the mentally ill.

Just one related note. On the same day that Adam Lanza shot and killed 20 children and six adults in Connecticut, a man in China attacked school children with a knife. There were 23 injuries, but no deaths. The Chinese children will be scarred for life, both mentally and physically, but they are still here to grow up, have families, find rewarding careers and live long lives. The 20 Sandy Hook children are gone forever because instead of a knife, Adam Lanza had a gun. 

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Criminal Side of Political Correctness

Two years ago, someone held up a bank in Sterling, Virginia wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. Yesterday, the same branch was robbed by a person wearing a Mitt Romney mask. As a precautionary measure, bank employees have been given photos of all known national third party candidates and Ralph Nader. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Too big to fail. Too big to prosecute. Too big for justice.

British-based HSBC, the largest bank on the planet, laundered billions of dollars for Mexican drug cartels and sanctioned governments like Iran. But no one will go to jail. Instead they have been ordered to pay a fine. Granted, the fine is $1.92 billion, but for an institution that has assets of $2.5 trillion and yearly profits of $22 billion, it’s a write off.

U.S. prosecutors decided that actually punishing the white-collar criminals who oversaw these illegal transactions would ruin the bank’s reputation and destabilize world economic markets. So the British and U.S. executives at HSBC who took part in this criminal enterprise get to stay in their mansions, keep their Rolls Royces and sleep in their satin sheets.

If I go out on the street today and get caught selling an ounce of coke, I would face a mandatory minimum 5- to 20-year jail term, with a possible maximum term of life imprisonment.

I’m too little to win.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Republicans have created a monster

Writing in the Huffington Post today, Bob Cesca makes a good post-election point in his blog. Republicans have spent the past thirty years creating the fear ridden, fact denying, corporate shilling, religiously fanatical, conspiracy loving, racist, homophobic base, and now, like Dr. Frankenstein, they are faced with the reality that they created a monster that cannot simply be ignored or traded in on a new model.

What you sow, so shall you reap, says the Bible, and Republicans are learning that what they have reaped from their efforts is a fanatical and uncompromising core of voters who in no way represent the views of the majority of Americans. The dilemma is if they stick with their monster, they will never generate enough votes at the national level to win the presidency, but if they turn toward the center, they will alienate their valuable cadre of blindly obedient foot soldiers as well as the billionaire corporate ghouls who fund the whole shebang.

It will be interesting to see in which direction the Republican party goes in the next few years, and how the Democrats respond. 

Thursday, December 06, 2012

A High-Five for Washington State

California in general, and San Francisco in particular, are about to lose their cult status among Conservatives as the Mecca of liberal madness as Washington state decriminalizes the possession of marijuana and legalizes same-sex marriages. Wow. Bill O’Reilly is going to bleed out his ears over this. Glenn Beck will need a blackboard the size of a tractor trailer to connect all of the evil dots inherent in this master plot to overthrow his Father Knows Best hallucinations about America.
            As many of us have noted for years, most politicians and the U.S. Government in general are way behind the curve on both of these issues. The war on drugs has been a violent, money-sucking, crime inducing failure from the moment the words were first uttered by Nixon in the seventies. This futile fire has been stoked by a wide array of people and institutions that have no interest in the logic of the policy itself: politicians afraid of looking weak on crime, police departments who take in millions from confiscating money and property from the accused, the prison industry, the wine and beer industries, and the military. Finally, finally, after nearly 40 years of this lunacy, the people are starting to be heard, and despite the bluster from the feds, this is a ship that is simply too big to be turned around.
            This is equally true of same-sex marriage. The incoherent arguments of the Religious Right have lost even their entertainment value as people realize the simple truth that love cannot be confined in archaic parameters imposed by the few on the many.
            I came of age in the 1960s and it was a tumultuous and eventful era full of progress, but I would argue that those of us alive at this moment in time are in the midst of an equally momentous time as we experience the slow and painful demise of the white patriarchal cultural hegemony and enter a new period of progress, equality and acceptance.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

North Korea, unicorns and the free market

Many people are surprised to learn that blogging is not my main source of income. Although I could certainly live comfortably from my earnings as a nationally beloved political pundit, it is an unfortunate reality that writing will never be as lucrative as my primary business: smuggling unicorn horns out of North Korea for an Armenian revolutionary group.

Called a criminal organization by the U.N., I’ve found the members of the Armenian Socialist syndicate (A.S.S.) to be ethical, hardworking businesspeople who happen to work in an environment where carrying weapons is an unfortunate necessity. They were early entrants into the unicorn horn market in the late 1990s, initially promoting it as an additive in commercial glittery and sparkly products and a value-added ingredient for cutting heroin. After several years of research and development, they created a family of sex toys from the horns that became extremely popular among the wives and mistresses of top Chinese officials, and that has been A.S.S.s bread and butter product line ever since.

My work necessitates spending a lot of time in North Korea, particularly in Pyongyang where the “unicorn lair” was recently rediscovered by North Korean researchers. When I use the word “smuggling,” people tend to assume that my work is done behind the back of the government, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve gotten to know the young leader of the country Kim Jong Eun quite well, and when I arrive in the capital city in our Boeing C-17A Globemaster III filled to capacity with missile parts and pastries, we are greeted as dignitaries.

There are those in the international community who are trying to ban the sale of unicorn horns, claiming that the unicorn is a rare and priceless animal that is close to extinction. To these people, I say pshaw. The harvesting of unicorn horns is done under the strictest of international animal safety laws with ultra-hygienic saws and pliers. North Koreans treasure their unicorns and raise them on a strict diet of four-leaf clovers, fairy dust and ground peasants. And, according to officials in the Unicorn Division of the Institute of Propaganda, cutting out a unicorn horn from the animal’s head is completely painless, and unicorns grow back their horns in the same way a lizard can grow back a tail.

Even though my business dealings may not please everyone, and I am unable to travel to many countries for fear of arrest, I am a proud capitalist, entrepreneur and spreader of magical, glittery love sprinkles. Regulations being considered by the international community to protect the unicorn are nothing more than thinly veiled attempts to stifle the free market and handcuff the economic risk takers of the world. Stand with me. Don’t let them turn the unicorn into a mythical creature seen only by the North Korean elites, eight year-old girls and people on hallucinogenic drugs.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

It’s the end of the world as we know it….

So the world is ending in about two weeks. Regrets? I’ve had a few…but I did it my way. At least I don’t have to worry about Christmas shopping. The question is, how should I spend my remaining time on earth? I’ve got about 14 days to accomplish the things that I’ve been too lazy or incompetent to achieve over the past five decades. I have thought about it, and here is my list of “Must Dos” before I’m incinerated in an earth-sized fireball or whatever it is the Mayans said about the end. I know my aim is high, and my goals may seem impossible, but hey, I’m going to give it my best shot.

  1. Make the Nazi zombie beach party porn musical film I’ve got in my head
  2. Wiggle my nose like Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched
  3. Buy something advertised on a television infomercial
  4. Twist Rush Limbaugh’s ear until he apologizes for every breath he’s ever taken
  5. Dance naked Gangnam style through the Mall of America
  6. Become an Iron Chef
  7. Give Al Pacino a noogie
  8. Find Waldo
  9. Learn to speak Urdu
  10. Increase the fiber in my diet

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Obama Conspiracy Game

Tired of trying to look busy at work? Need a break from online shopping? Bored with eavesdropping on your cubemate’s personal phone calls?

It’s time to play the Obama Conspiracy game.

It’s easy. Just pick the one answer in each category that is NOT a genuine conspiracy being promoted by the delusional, fear-fueled conservative noise machine. Yay. And as a bonus, feel free to claim the as yet virgin conspiracy theory as your own and spread it far and wide on the Internet. You might just get interviewed by Glenn Beck!

Good luck!

Obama’s shady background:
a.      Was a Black Panther
b.     Is the son of Malcolm X
c.      Was secretly married to a Pakistani man
d.     Learned Klingon before English
e.      Was born in Kenya
f.       His mother and father were communists

Obama’s real politics:
a.      He’s a socialist and/or a Marxist
b.     Is owned by the Muslim Brotherhood
c.      Placed his hand on a copy of Mein Kampf instead of the bible during swearing in ceremony
d.     Once aided the mujahideen
e.      Refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance

Obama the person:
a.      Is gay
b.     Can’t speak in public without a teleprompter
c.      Used hypnosis and subliminal messages to win votes
d.     Lost his U.S. citizenship
e.      Wears a ring with a Koranic verse on it
f.       Is Muslim
g.      Has a tattoo of Stalin’s face on his right buttock

Obama’s long reach:
a.      Caused the BP oil spill
b.     Personally caused Hurricane Sandy
c.      Faked Bin Laden’s death
d.     Secretly trained to overthrow the U.S. government
e.      Is going to bring 100 million Muslim’s to the U.S.
f.       Responsible for the 2011 Japanese tsunami

Obama the criminal:
a.      Had Andrew Breitbart killed
b.     Served time in a Russian prison for child trafficking
c.      Was behind the Aurora, Colorado massacre
d.     Was part of a cocaine/gay sex/murder/orgy cover up
e.      Ran campaigns that were funded by drug money

Obama’s plans for the future:
a.      He will fake an assassination attempt to institute martial law
b.     Has plans for a third term in office
c.      Wants to outlaw Christmas and Easter
d.     Is coming to take your gold
e.      Will put your children in youth reeducation camps

1 d, 2 c, 3 g, 4 f, 5 b, 6 c

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Burger Wars Get Ugly

A photo from the latest in a string of Burger King fires.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Time For Some Outrage

What is more undemocratic, more un-American than trying to steal an election? For a moment, forget about Citizens United and negative political ads and the truckloads of money spent on presidential campaigns. These are all serious issues, but even these pale in comparison when measured against outright theft, or the attempted theft, of an election.

I’ve known about the problems inherent in electronic voting machines for years, but after reading Anonymous, Karl Rove and 2012 Election Fix? by Thom Hartmann and Sam Sacks at Truthout, I’m convinced that someone in the federal government should be investigating the activities of Karl Rove and his minions and their connections to SMARTech.

The evidence against Rove is circumstantial at this point, but very compelling and warrants deeper investigation. We Americans send poll watchers to various countries around the world to help verify the legitimacy of their elections, while our own results are highly suspect. There are a lot of things related to U.S. political campaigns that should elicit outrage, but none more so than the attempted theft of an election. We can’t allow this to happen.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Romney: Why I Lost. Really.

Yesterday, That’s Going Too Far! was sent a copy of confidential notes that were taken during a meeting held by Romney’s top campaign consultants the morning after last weeks election results were known. The free wheeling brainstorm meeting was held to discuss Romney’s reaction to the loss. As we now know, the winning excuse was that Obama bribed voters to support him with government “gifts.” Here are some alternative responses that were apparently considered but rejected by Romney.

  1. I was the victim of a liberal media/Jewish/NWO/ socialist/ACORN conspiracy.
  2. Obama used secret Kenyan mind control techniques his father taught him.
  3. Mysterious “smart people” showed up at polling places in traditionally “dumb” precincts.
  4. White people were afraid that if they didn’t vote for Obama, he’d come to their houses and beat them and rape their women.
  5. I was tricked into debates where questions about politics were asked.
  6. My Mormon underwear was in the dirty laundry on Tuesday.
  7. Electronic voting machines worked the way they were supposed to.
  8. Michael Brown sent me an email on the eve of the election that said, “Don’t worry, Mitt. I’ve got everything under control.”
  9. I was having an affair with David Petraeus.
  10. I was just too brutally honest, and people couldn’t handle the truth.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Please welcome the newest third-world country: Texas

Secession is today’s word. Since Obama’s victory last week, some 30 states have petitions out to secede from the United States. Although I don’t really understand this, apparently Texas has enough signatures on its petition that it now requires some kind of official response from the White House. Here is the response I wish President Obama would give:

Dear citizens of the great state of Texas,

Your petition to secede from the United States of America is granted. Please turn off all the lights before you leave, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Barack Obama
President of the United States

Thursday, November 08, 2012

America Beats Back the Haters

One additional thought on Obama’s victory Tuesday night.

The efforts to unseat the President began much earlier than the night Mitt Romney was chosen by Republicans to run for America’s highest office on their behalf. It began the moment Obama was declared the winner in the 2008 election. On that night, someone at FOX News went to the basement and turned a key, and the hate machine sputtered to life. Fueled by the Right Wing media, the Tea Party, Christian Evangelicals, panicky billionaires, cranky old racist white guys, the Supreme Court, the NRA, conservative politicians, and an ill informed, easily manipulated slice of the electorate, and abetted by the mainstream media, the machine began cranking out bile and bunk by the truckload, painting Obama as a socialist, Kenyan, Muslim, American apologist, liar, ineffective leader, communist, Manchurian Candidate, racist, radical and enemy of true Americans.

Billions of dollars, hours and words were spent on spreading Obama hatred throughout every corner of the country. It was organized and incessant, without a day going by when we didn’t hear a new incendiary charge from Limbaugh or Beck or Brooks or Trump. Anti-Obama movies and documentaries were made. Books were written. The Right Wing megaphone gave us hour by hour headlines — fake birth certificate, born in Kenya, apology tour, pals around with socialists, Benghazi, hates American values, sympathizes with Muslims, wants our enemies to win — the list was endless. And the mainstream media, instead of repudiating the vile stream of lies, obliged its corporate masters by either burying its head in the sand or playing the “one-side-says-this-the-other-side-says-that” game, so as not to alienate any particular demographic. The news, after all, is a profit-driven venture.

And what do they have to show for what has to be the longest, most expensive ongoing propaganda campaign in the history of a democracy? Nothing. Zip. It didn’t work. Obama won reelection despite their best efforts. The merchants of hate are now shaking their heads in disbelief. How could this happen? How can we have failed? One reason was that as time went on, conservatives started to believe that the fantasy world they had created was, in fact, reality. They believed their own lies and ended up conning themselves.

Obama’s victory was noteworthy on many levels, but none is as important as the national repudiation of the power of America’s hate mongers, racists, misogynists, bigots and liars. Obama not only won reelection, but they lost. Big time.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Fed up with liberal America? Your new Eden awaits you.

A lot of conservatives are really, really upset that Obama won reelection, and there have been more than a few overwrought conservative bloggers and pundits threatening to leave the United States. My first reaction is, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” but then I wondered where on this planet would they go? Who would welcome our Calvinist Wingnuts into their communities?

Canada? Although our giant neighbor to the north has listed to the political right in recent years, it still has a long history of experimenting with socialism and openness that I think would make many of our gun-toting evangelical Tea Baggers uncomfortable. Latin or South America? Lazy brown people with tainted drinking water. Africa? Hahahahahahah. Australia? There’s a possibility. Oh wait. They have compulsory voting, universal healthcare, no death penalty, evolution is taught in schools and the PM is a female, unmarried atheist. Not working for us. Europe? Ground zero of the secular, socialist, one world government experiment? Don’t think so. Russia? Nyet. Let’s just check Asia off of our list right now.

Okay, what does that leave? Ah, right. There is one part of the world that might work. Women are second-class citizens. Check. Religion dominates all aspects of society. Check. Guns and other weapons are prevalent and easy to obtain. Check. Men dominate government and dictate laws. Check.

Welcome, evangelical Americans. Welcome to the one part of the world where you will feel completely comfortable and at home: The Middle East.

Election Reflections

It was touch and go early in the evening, but ended up being a great night. It was wonderful going to sleep knowing that Obama had been reelected. The only fly in the ointment was Michelle Bachmann winning reelection. How can we live in such a blue state and still have a representative as loony as Bachmann representing us? Oh well. All in all the election results were positive for Minnesota and the nation.

However, I was reminded last night of why I don’t watch the mainstream news anymore. As Obama’s victory came into clearer focus during the evening, pundits (I’m not even sure which channel I was watching) went on and on about how this wasn’t a mandate and that the President was now obliged to reach across the aisle to Republicans and be humble and willing to negotiate and blah, blah, blah. Bullshit.

The one and only reason why a grand budget deal was not reached between Congressional Republicans and the President in 2010 is that Republicans were hoping this would be considered a failure for the President, which would then be used to help Romney win the Presidency. Obama was willing to give away one of his daughters to reach a deal, but Republicans put politics above the good of the country and rejected everything Obama put forward.

Now that he doesn’t have to worry about another election, Obama could and should stand firm. It’s time for Republicans in Congress to get off their ideological merry-go-round and start getting serious about helping the American economy recover. Even though the economic recovery has not been strong and there are still millions of Americans hurting financially, the country rejected Romney’s ridiculous non-solution of lowering the taxes of the wealthiest individuals and raising taxes on the rest of us. The President needs to use this as leverage in future negotiations.

Once again liberals and progressives went to the voting booths to support Obama. His first four years were disappointing in a number of ways, but we continue to hold out hope that we’ll see the Obama who promised change in 2008 actually emerge from behind the curtain and make turn that promise into reality.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Monday, November 05, 2012

Please Vote Tuesday

Thankfully, tomorrow marks the end of the 2012 Presidential campaign. The 2016 campaign begins on Wednesday, so you have a whole 24 hours to rest up. Tomorrow will also determine whether we completely turn over the reigns of our country to corporate America, or we fight to wrest control from the elite for at least another four years.

Don’t get me wrong. For Obama, the slogan “change” means putting on a fresh pair of underwear in the morning, not a general shift in the status quo on Wall Street or anywhere else for that matter. But it also doesn’t mean hoisting the corporate flags of General Electric, Haliburton and Monsanto over the White House, as Romney would do on day one.

Obama is the lesser of two evils, unfortunately. My only hope is that because he is not facing an election in four years, he might tack to the left during his remaining time, but I’m certainly not holding my breath. The fact that this race is even close is a devastating critique of the failure of the mainstream press in America to inform voters on the distinctions between the two candidates. Romney and Ryan have been lying and spinning 24-7 since the campaign began, and they continue to do so up to the last minute. Will they be rewarded for this? Let’s hope not.

Make sure and vote tomorrow. It matters. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Romney Issues Treats Only For Those Who Sign Pledge

CLEVELAND, OHIO – The Romney’s are preparing for Halloween with candy and a document they call The Parent’s Pledge. According to an anonymous campaign spokesperson, the Romney’s will pass out candy only to Trick or Treaters who sign the pledge promising that their parent’s will vote for the Republican presidential candidate.

“Children have to learn early that there are certain responsibilities related to receiving treats,” said the spokesperson. “Mr. Romney does not believe that children should expect a handout simply because it’s Halloween. Signing the pledge is an incentive, the kids earn their reward, and we believe that this approach results in more responsible Trick or Treaters.”

A new ad scheduled to appear in swing states today is already being assailed by Democrats as false and misleading. The ad shows Trick or Treaters ringing the doorbell of the White House. A man resembling President Obama answers the door and hands out candy bars that are clearly embedded with nails, razors and glass shards. As the children leave, the Obama stand in is seen laughing maniacally in the doorway.

In response to the Democrat’s complaint, the Romney campaign insisted this was based on eyewitness accounts of Halloween’s from the previous three years, although they would not provide any affidavits or documentation related to this charge. “It’s common knowledge in DC,” said the Romney spokesperson, referring reporters to a recent Rush Limbaugh radio show segment for further details.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Trump: Frankenstorm is Obama Creation

A BUNKER IN THE HAMPTONS - At a news conference held this morning, Donald Trump claimed to have incontrovertible proof that the Obama administration was responsible for the mega-storm now pummeling the East Coast of the United States.

“This is a calculated dirty trick by the President’s campaign to try and make Obama look “presidential” during a crisis,” said Trump. “Tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. I will produce hard evidence that members of the Obama team seeded a relatively mild Atlantic hurricane with scientifically altered pellets to intensify the magnitude of the storm.”

Asked why he could not produce the evidence now, Trump responded with a sneer. “I’m not playing the “gotcha” game, okay? Right now, I’m having the best scientists in the world analyze the seeds. Tomorrow I’ll have their report. Oh yeah. Weren’t ready for that one, were you?”

Trump became visibly agitated when two of the three reporters covering the news conference left the event early. “Get back here,” he shouted. “I paid you to sit and listen, Goddamn it.”

Following the news conference, Trump’s claims were discussed on several FOX News programs, with Bill O’Reilly claiming that Trump’s credibility alone should be enough to lead to a Congressional investigation. “No one can dispute’s Donald’s veracity and dedication to the truth. If he says he has proof of a conspiracy, that’s good enough for me.”

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mainstream Myopia

The mainstream news media’s critique of the presidential debates is a lot like hiring a fashion designer to judge a prizefight. Points go to the trendiest trunks, best hair and most chiseled abs, not to the person who lands the most punches.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Making shit up

Political campaigning in 2012:

Paul Ryan’s team bullied their way into the Mahoning County, Ohio St. Vincent De Paul Society without permission. Ryan then tied aprons on himself and his family and proceeded to wash two pans that were already clean while cameras clicked and video ran. Five minutes later everyone left.

Now that's integrity in action.

Friday, October 12, 2012

What the hell?

Rejected by the Church of Satan. What could be more humiliating than that? Was this guy too good?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Reality vs. the Bottom Line

Writing for Media Matters today, Simon Maloy skewers conservative pundits for creating a fictional Obama “…who has governed as a left-wing ideologue while shutting out the GOP from the political process.” This is certainly not a new meme, as Fox News and its surrogates have been promulgating this ridiculous, but effective, characterization since Obama was sworn into office almost four years ago.

The question is, why does this outrageous lie seem so plausible to a large slice of the voting public? It is not based on anything close to reality. Obama’s record as President reflects that of a very moderate, centrist Democrat, far closer to the middle of the political spectrum than many in his own party. On defense, one could argue that he’s as hawkish as Bush, as we continue our involvement in wars and offensive military actions in hot spots around the world. As for shutting out the GOP, nothing could farther from the truth. As details have emerged from the 2011 budget talks, it’s clear that Obama was willing to trade his Democratic soul to Republicans for a deal, but even that wasn’t enough for the ideological puppets of the Tea Party.

From my perspective, the culprit is the mainstream press. The pattern is consistent and predictable: Far-Right haters from FOX News and other sources catapult a lie about Obama and it begins to make the rounds of the conservative noise machine—talk radio, blogs, online zines. Then it seeps into the editorial pages of mainstream papers thanks to people like David Brooks, Thomas Sowell and George Will. Before you can say Rupert Murdoch, it’s being discussed on Sunday news programs and morning talk shows, bringing it finally into the realm of “real” political discourse.

What doesn’t happen is this: A point-by-point take down of the lie by those in a position to do so in the mainstream press. I’m not talking about The New Yorker or an occasional PBS program. I’m talking about the network news programs, USA Today, CNN, and local news programs — the points along the spectrum where most people get their news. Why? News in America is a business, and like any other business, the bottom line is profit. You can’t run a profitable news business if you piss off large numbers of viewers or readers. Hence, if the truth has a liberal bias, bye-bye truth. Who needs government censorship when the market place does the work for you?

Despite the fact that Obama has shown himself to be very sympathetic to the desires of corporate American, the 1% like Romney better, and their concerns are reflected in the ongoing demonization of the President as a crazed leftist bent on turning American into a socialist utopia. When reality bumps up against the bottom line, there’s only going to be one winner.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Crazy Shit Republicans Say, Part II

“The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21.”
- from “God’s Law,” written by Republican candidate for the Arkansas House of Representatives Charlie Fuqua (He also wants to expel all Muslims from the U.S.)

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior."

You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That's what the Bible says.”
Republican Congressman Paul Broun, member of the House Science Committee.

“I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too, but I'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm going to stop the subsidy to PBS.”
Mitt Romney to Jim Leher at the first presidential debate.

“The institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise." He also believes that African-Americans were better off than they would have been had they not been captured and shipped to the United States.
Republican State Representative Jon Hubbard, Arkansas

Thursday, October 04, 2012


President Obama debated Henry F. Potter last night...

...and Lost!

Monday, October 01, 2012

Debate This!

The presidential debates are coming up. There will be the usual dry questions about the economy, national defense, Wall Street, blah, blah, blah. Answers will be stilted, overly general and thoroughly unremarkable. We will learn virtually nothing about the candidates that we didn’t already know.

I would like to change the debate dynamics, and I offer a number of scientifically created questions guaranteed to shake things up and result in candid and revealing answers. You can bet the farm that neither candidate will have a prepared answer for any of these questions.

So, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, please provide answers to the following questions.

·      Boxers, briefs or a thong?

·      Who would win in a bar fight between Lindsey Lohan and Justine Beiber?

·      Unicorns: Yes or No?

·      If you were President of the United States…oh wait. One of you is that. Never mind.

·      A train leaves Cleveland at three o’clock. A second train leaves Cincinnati at three thirty. They are on the same track. How long will it take before FOX News runs the video of the wreck and subsequent carnage?

·      My first order of business as the newly elected President will be to:
o   Install garden gnomes on the White House grounds.
o   Give myself a raise.
o   Go to Disney World.
o   Fap in the Oval Office.
o   Meet with the aliens we have hidden under an air force base in Ohio.
o   Start a war with Albania.
o   Text all of my loser high school friends and tell them they are on a watch list.

·      Who would be your first choice for a National Medal of Honor?
o   Pamela Anderson
o   Flavor Flav
o   Charles Manson
o   Danny Bonaduce
o   Maggie Simpson

·      Chevy or Ford?
·      Favorite porn star?
·      Deal or no deal?
·      If you were ordering your last meal, what would it be?
o   Cheerios and a hot dog
o   A bag of White Castle sliders
o   Beef Jerky smothered in gravy
o   Ramon noodles
o   Pop Tarts

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Christmas Shopping Level: Done

Poop Hats for everyone!!!

Thank You, Occupy

I don’t know what the ultimate fate of the Occupy movement will be, but it can already take credit for one achievement that is having a profound effect on this presidential election. During its short but fateful “fifteen minutes of fame,” Occupy was able to bring into the national discussion the obscene disparities in wealth and opportunity between the 99% and the 1%.  The numbers continue to pop up in news stories across the political spectrum, and continue to elicit debate around the gross inequality that exists between the tiny percentage of the rich “haves” and the rest of us.

The timing and impact of the 1 vs. 99 paradigm couldn’t have been more important. Why? Because right at this point in history we have a presidential candidate in Mitt Romney who represents everything wrong and repulsive with the wealthy elite in America, and he is on public display for everyone to see. The arrogance, hubris, greed, sense of entitlement, and total lack of empathy is laid bare for voters on a daily basis. Mitt only needs to open his mouth to expose his elitist, pompous attitude. Behind the fifties TV dad good looks is a vile Gollum-like creature with no soul who’s only desire is making and keeping his precious wealth.

 So thank you Occupy. Were it not for you, voters would have had a much more difficult time seeing the real Mitt Romney and what he actually stands for, which is more for the 1% and less for the 99%.   

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Forever trying to pound the square peg of ideology into the round hole of reality.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Crazy Talk

This presidential campaign cycle has already established itself as noteworthy for exposing the insanely extremist, racist, ill-informed attitudes now prevalent within the Republican Party. Although code words are still used in abundance as they were in the past (welfare=blacks, elites=liberals, values= white Christian values), today’s Republicans are not too shy (or sensible enough) to hide their true beliefs under a bushel basket.

Here is a collection of just a few of the more notable and notorious quotes from Republicans during our current race for the White House. And it ain’t over yet, folks.

"We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side."
Rick Santorum

"From what I understand from doctors, that's really rare (pregnancy caused by rape).  If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.)

Knowledge-Based Education - We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student's fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority."
From the Texas Republican 2012 platform

"Corporations are people, my friend…of course they are.”
Mitt Romney

“I’m not concerned about the very poor, we have a safety net there, if we need to repair, I’ll fix it. I’m not concerned about the very rich, they’re doing just fine. I’m concerned about the very heart of
America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who are struggling, and I’ll continue to take that message across the country.”

Mitt Romney

“Juarez (Mexico) is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.”
Rick Perry

“Let Detroit go bankrupt.”

Mitt Romney

“Don’t try to stop the foreclosure process. Let it run its course and hit the bottom.”

Mitt Romney

“Planned Parenthood, we’re going to get rid of that.”

Mitt Romney

“I don’t care what the unemployment rate’s going to be. Doesn’t matter to me. My campaign doesn’t hinge on unemployment rates and growth rates.”

Rick Santorum

“I don’t care what fact check says. The President’s apologizing for the American position. That’s the apology tour.”
Rep. Peter King (R-NY)

“The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument.”
Newt Gingrich