Thursday, May 29, 2008

Latest Bush Tell-All: Animal Sacrifice. News Media Yawns.

Washington D.C. - Following hot on the heels of former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan’s book, “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” a new memoir has surfaced written by General X, detailing startling revelations about the workings of the Bush administration.

Excerpts from the book detail bizarre secret ceremonies that included animal sacrifices, sexual orgies, and a fight club held regularly in the sub-basement of the White House. The author claims to have been in attendance at several of the quasi-religious functions. “The large room was lit by candles and incense permeated the air. A man (I believe it was Rumsfeld) wearing only a Richard Nixon mask and white shoes stood behind an altar holding a large knife. A live goat was brought in and held on the altar while the man with the knife read poems by Ezra Pound and sang selected passages from Project for the New American Century. Then the goat was slaughtered and the still beating heart passed around. The ceremony ended with attendees swearing their allegiance to Zircon, Horned Underlord of the Neocons, and then we all drank scotch.”

General X also describes late-night sexual orgies held in “theme” rooms in the White House. “The one I participated in was Mother Goose, and everyone wore costumes of nursery rhyme characters. The president was Little Bo Peep, and Rove, as I recall, was Humpty Dumpty. Actual sheep were brought in, and I leave the rest to your imagination.”

Despite the incendiary revelations by General X, the news media is largely ignoring his allegations. “This is old stuff,” said one network anchor. “We’ve heard all these charges before, and frankly, who cares?” A reporter from ABC News echoed this sentiment. “What’s the story here? Animal sacrifice? Sex orgies? Boooring.” A long-time news editor from NPR summed it up this way. “It’s a non-starter. People expect this kind of thing from Washington.”

The book will be published by Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins, and working titles leaked to the press include, “Karl Rove Gives Good Head,” “Caligula II” and “My Pet Goat Goes to Washington.”

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The President’s Ultimate Sacrifice: No Golf!

Washington, D.C. - In a move that has sent shockwaves around the globe, President George Bush told the media that he has given up golfing in tribute to the brave men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The astonishing selflessness of the President’s action brought tears to the eyes of even the most jaded journalists.

“I started balling like a baby when I heard the president’s statement,” said Bill Boredim from the AP. “I’ve reported on wars, natural disasters, but this was without a doubt the most emotional moment of my career.”

This reflected the sentiments of others who heard the news. Nancy Mindlass, a veteran FOX news reporter, said she wished she could have given Bush a hug. “I can’t even find the words to express my gratitude to the Commander and Chief of this country for this amazing sacrifice, and I make my living with words.”

First Lady Laura Bush was especially moved by her husband’s courageous commitment. “He has always loved golf so much. This was truly a very, very difficult decision for him to make. I am so proud of that man.”

Grateful messages from around the world began pouring into the White House as the news spread of Bush’s announcement. Professional golfers will wear black armbands at tournaments to show their solidarity with the president, and all golf flags across the nation will fly at half-mast.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Cheney Survives ‘Near-life’ Experience

Washington, D.C. – Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for ‘acute signs of life’ associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney’s pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Fortunately, the vice president’s wife, Lynne, was in the room and recognized the symptoms immediately.

“When he began sobbing during a newscast, I knew something was wrong,” recounted Mrs. Cheney, who immediately called for an ambulance. “He said he wanted to give me a big hug and start a list of all his sins and transgressions. I tried not to panic, but I was frightened because I’d never seen Dick like that before. Believe me, it’s a side of him I hope I never see again.”

Although aides have not confirmed the report, Nurses attending Cheney after his surgery said he described himself as floating above his body, and then walking down a long tunnel toward a bright light. As he neared the end of the tunnel, he was greeted by specters that included Franklin D. Roosevelt, Rachel Carson, John Lennon, and Gandhi. He’s reported to have said, “At that point I knew I was being sent to hell, so I did everything in my power to return to my physical body.”

Doctors removed the malfunctioning pacemaker and replaced it with heart-shaped clock.