Friday, February 29, 2008

Bad Boomers

In the comments section of an article chronicling the latest Bush administration embarrassment (I know, it’s so hard to keep up), a letter writer laid blame at the feet of baby boomers for screwing things up for the next generation. After all, Bush is a boomer.

At first I was a little ticked off, being a boomer myself. Kind of a broad swipe, in my opinion. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this person was right on target. For those of us hovering around the mid-century mark, things started off with a bong, er, bang, and quickly went downhill from there.

The 60s were an awesome party (I’m glad I was alive to go to it) and for a brief moment in time there were a lot of young people around the world who actually believed they could change the system for the better. All you need is love. We did help stop a war, got the environmental movement going, moved women’s issues to the forefront of national debate, shined the harsh light of reality on institutional racism in the South, turned Rock & Roll into a world-wide force, and got high. Not a bad day’s work, in my book.

Then something happened. We went from Woodstock to Altamont in the blink of an eye. Camelot morphed into Watergate. Love turned to anger and bitterness. Tricky Dick got his revenge, and we helped him. And we’ve given Republicans 26 of the last 38 years to govern this country, culminating with the man who will hold the title of worst president in American history. And we helped.

We, and the children we raised to adulthood, are responsible for this mess. Wherever you think the blame should fall — the military-industrial complex, the media, the government — we are the ones with our hands on the controls. We have fucked things up in a big way. I don’t know the why, but I know the how, and it happened when our nation turned (or was turned) from hope to fear, and fear ALWAYS plays into the hands of Republicans.

It’s not easy accepting responsibility for what we’ve done. Rigged elections or not, a whole lot of boomers who should have known better voted for Bush. Twice. It’s inexcusable.

We, my generation, have our hands on the controls, but it turns out we’ve driven spaceship earth drastically off course, making wrong turn after wrong turn. Now it’s up to our children and their children to take on the Herculean task of trying to get this country back on course.

They have a right to be pissed off.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

McCain Makes VP Pick: Jessica Simpson

In a bold and surprising move, presidential candidate John McCain announced today that actress Jessica Simpson has agreed to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. McCain was unusually candid with reporters about his stunning decision.

“Look, Jessica is far smarter than her celebrity persona would lead you to believe. I’ve spent many evenings with her recently discussing foreign policy and economics. She’s a huge fan of Friedman’s work. She also has a very strong grasp of my policy positions. And let’s face it, she’s hot. Hot, hot, hot. Very…hot. Steamin’.”

McCain was asked about the tactical implications of choosing Simpson as his running mate.

“Jessica is my very own ‘Southern Strategy.’ We’ve got the good-old-boy, trailer trash vote sewn up with her on the ticket. Younger males and men in the military will vote for us in droves. See, it will be a two-pronged attack, and you know what two prongs I’m talking about. Right?”

Will he have Simpson tone down her sexy image for the campaign?

“Not on your life. We’re going to play up her….assets as much as humanly possible. We’re working on a couple of television spots right now that are going to peel the paint off your walls.”

Reporters wanted to know what his wife Cindy thought about Simpson joining the campaign.

“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet, but she’ll be fine. She’ll always be my First Lady.”

McCain announced that he and Simpson would immediately take off for a week of intensive campaign preparation in the South of France.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

McCain Pledges More War

Columbus, Ohio — Republican John McCain, the self-proclaimed “pro-war” candidate, issued a press release today entitled: “My 10-point Plan for Keeping America in Continuous Conflict.” Insisting that he’s never met a war he didn’t like, McCain promised he would keep America actively engaged in battle throughout his administration’s tenure.

“Let there be no mistake,” said McCain, “Americans love war. It’s in our blood. And I am the only candidate who will guarantee at least four more years of death and destruction. We have the greatest military machine the world has ever known, and by George, I pledge to you that I will use it.”

McCain’s 10-point plan:

1. Increase levels of spending for defense from billions to bazillions.

2. Create a Department of Taunting and Provoking in the Pentagon

3. Treat any country with predominantly dark-skin people as a potential terrorist threat

4. Go Medieval on Russia’s ass if it so much as looks at us cross-eyed.

5. Nominate Chuck Norris for Secretary of Defense.

6. Issue weapons to every American citizen over the age of 10.

7. Build military basis wherever the hell we want to.

8. Level Sweden, Norway and any other left-leaning, socialist, tofu-eating countries.

9. Build walls on both our southern and northern borders — one to keep out illegal immigrants, the other to keep out liberals.

10. Invade first, ask questions later.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Cheney reveals post-VP plans: Evil, Inc.

Washington, D.C. – At a news conference today, Vice President Cheney discussed his career plans once he leaves office.

“Many people have been asking me what I plan to do after my tenure as vice president is over. I am once again returning to the private sector where I will run a little start-up venture called Evil, Inc. My carefully picked staff and I will serve as consultants to the world’s dictators, despots, thugs, strong men, and others who rule with an iron fist. In other words, my heroes. We will counsel them on the many ways to keep power through terror and intimidation, and help them build a secret police force, torture facilities, and a highly intrusive surveillance system. It’s a wide open market.”

A reporter asked if this wasn’t at odds with American foreign policy, and Cheney laughed.

“I will be an entrepreneur, not a politician. Morality or even laws of common decency will be a non-issue. Our wonderful capitalist system is values-neutral, which means I can do what I damn well please, along as I make money.”

Another reporter wanted to know if that meant he favored legalizing prostitution, heroin and gladiator fights, to which the VP answered, “No. Although if they were legal, I’d have a big-ass piece of that action.”

Cheney said he had the full backing of the president in this endeavor, particularly if a Democrat wins this November. “George is all lathered up about Armageddon and his daughter’s wedding, so he basically doesn’t give a shit what I do.”

As he ended the press conference, he added this piece of practical advice. “Remember, always go with your strengths.”

Friday, February 15, 2008

Bush shocks world: “I was not born on your planet.”

In a taped conversation with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, President Bush revealed that he was born on another planet. The admission stunned everyone in the studio, including Kroft. What follows is a transcript of the ensuing conversation.

Kroft: Another planet? What do you mean, Mr. President?

Bush: Another planet. If I said the name of it your ears would bleed. It’s several galaxies away.

Kroft: You’re an alien?

Bush: Yes, but I’m legal. Got all the right paperwork. I was brought here to Earth as a baby and placed in the care of George and Barbara. Nice people. You see, all of this — my life, my career, my rise to the presidency — all of it was preordained. I was brought here to become president of the United States.

Kroft: Why?

Bush: To prepare you for this day. My assignment was to weaken Earth’s strongest nation and bring it to its knees to pave the way for an invasion from my planet. Mission accomplished.

Kroft: Invasion?

Bush: They’re on their way as I speak. Trust me. Enslavement isn’t the worst thing that could happen in your life.

Kroft: This is outrageous.

Bush: Not really. You brought it on yourself by electing a dumbass like me. What were you thinking?

Kroft: We will fight you.

Bush: We’ll you’ll give it the old college try, but the U.S. military is in a shambles, demoralized, leaderless. I made sure of that. My lord you people are gullible. How could you actually think one of your fellow humans would act so aggressively to destroy your own country? Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to go meet the ships and reunite with my real colony. Steve?

Kroft: Yeah?

Bush: Resistance is futile, but it makes for great TV. Carry on.

Friday, February 08, 2008

The Martial Law theory

During the past seven years, there have been any number of conspiracy theories surrounding the actions of the Bush Administration, from being involved in 9/11 to deliberately lying us into war to rigging elections. Some theories have actually proven to be true (there’s no question Bush was wearing an electronic device during his debates with Kerry), some have extremely strong circumstantial evidence (spinning pre-war intel, election tampering) and some that are supported by very weak or questionable evidence.

One conspiracy theory that refuses to die is that BuschCo is planning to use some devastating tragedy in the United States to declare martial law before the 2008 elections. Over the years, bits and pieces of circumstantial evidence have been uncovered to suggest that this may in fact be a plan, but not nearly enough sway large numbers of people or the media. Progressive BlogGod Kos has dismissed the idea as nonsense.

My opinion on the martial law theory has always been, “hard to imagine, but I wouldn’t put anything past them.” The depths of deception to which people like Cheney, Rove and Bush will plunge knows no bottom. These have proven to be dangerous people in very influential positions.

An article in the latest issue of The Progressive raises the specter of the martial law theory once again. In “Exclusive! The FBI Deputizes Business” written by Matthew Rothschild, the author delves into a little-known partnership between private industry and the F.B.I and the Department of Homeland Security. The partnership is known as Infraguard, and its purpose is to keep essential private enterprises running during a terrorist attack or national crises…including martial law.

So the heads of companies critical to keeping the country’s infrastructure operating during a crises (transportation, agriculture, telecommunications, public health, etc.) receive early warning updates from the F.B.I on potential threats prior to the general public. At the same time, these companies are asked to report to the F.B.I any suspicious activity they might encounter.

It’s a fascinating and frightening article that everyone should read, but what it has to say about the martial law theory is extremely important. Here is a key passage:

This business owner says he attended a small InfraGard meeting where agents of the FBI and Homeland Security discussed in astonishing detail what InfraGard members may be called upon to do.

“The meeting started off innocuously enough, with the speakers talking about corporate espionage,” he says. “From there, it just progressed. All of a sudden we were knee deep in what was expected of us when martial law is declared. We were expected to share all our resources, but in return we’d be given specific benefits.” These included, he says, the ability to travel in restricted areas and to get people out.
But that’s not all.

“Then they said when—not if—martial law is declared, it was our responsibility to protect our portion of the infrastructure, and if we had to use deadly force to protect it, we couldn’t be prosecuted,” he says.

The author has confirmed from others that this was in fact what was talked about at the meeting. More circumstantial evidence, I know, but when it comes to the Bush Administration, we cant’ put anything past them.