In a bold and surprising move, presidential candidate John McCain announced today that actress Jessica Simpson has agreed to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. McCain was unusually candid with reporters about his stunning decision.
“Look, Jessica is far smarter than her celebrity persona would lead you to believe. I’ve spent many evenings with her recently discussing foreign policy and economics. She’s a huge fan of Friedman’s work. She also has a very strong grasp of my policy positions. And let’s face it, she’s hot. Hot, hot, hot. Very…hot. Steamin’.”
McCain was asked about the tactical implications of choosing Simpson as his running mate.
“Jessica is my very own ‘Southern Strategy.’ We’ve got the good-old-boy, trailer trash vote sewn up with her on the ticket. Younger males and men in the military will vote for us in droves. See, it will be a two-pronged attack, and you know what two prongs I’m talking about. Right?”
Will he have Simpson tone down her sexy image for the campaign?
“Not on your life. We’re going to play up her….assets as much as humanly possible. We’re working on a couple of television spots right now that are going to peel the paint off your walls.”
Reporters wanted to know what his wife Cindy thought about Simpson joining the campaign.
“I haven’t mentioned it to her yet, but she’ll be fine. She’ll always be my First Lady.”
McCain announced that he and Simpson would immediately take off for a week of intensive campaign preparation in the South of France.