Monday, November 28, 2005

Cheney Sneers Hecklers to Death

Tulsa, Oklahoma – Peace activists who snuck into a Republican fundraising event featuring Vice President Dick Cheney were permanently silenced by what some onlookers said was, “The Grin Reaper.”

Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.

One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.

The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.

After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Bombs Away!

Startling new revelations have surfaced on the heels of news reports that President Bush had to be talked out of bombing the Arabic television station al-Jazeera, which has its headquarters in Doha, the capital of Qatar, a country considered a U.S. ally.

Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.

According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.

In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.

When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”

There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.

In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.

Monday, November 21, 2005

The Trickle-Down Query

CLEVELAND, OHIO – While visiting a classroom of fourth graders at Pontiac Academy, a private school in a Cleveland suburb, President Bush faced some unexpectedly tough questions about his policies.

The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.

Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”

President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“

Damian cut him off. “Did so.”

The President responded, “Did not.”

“Did so.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.

A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.

Friday, November 11, 2005

"Ignorant and Proud"

The following is a transcript from the 10/21 taping of “Baxter On Books,” a syndicated television show featuring Theodore Baxter, professor of modern literature at Cornell University, interviewing authors. His guest for this show was Brenda Fritz, author of the bestselling book, “Ignorant and Proud.”

Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.

Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.

Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?

Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.

Baxter: Such as?

Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.

Baxter: Staring at a leaf?

Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?

Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.

Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.

Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?

Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?

Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?

Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.

Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?

Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.

Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?

Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”

Baxter: I don’t own a TV.

Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.

Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...

Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.

Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?

Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.

Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The News Before It's News

Although it is known to a mere handful of individuals, That's Going Too Far! brings you the big stories MONTHS before they actually happen. Psychic? Perhaps. Lucky? You bet. Unlike the Bush administration which lives in an alternative reality, TGTF actually changes the vibrations of the present, which in turn alters future reality, changing it into something that was not going to be the future, but...more like...the future you weren't expecting.

What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.

Micky's in the Mosque

Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.

“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”

Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”

President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”

“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”

“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”

Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”

At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”

Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

You Know the Bush Administration is in Trouble When...

  • Karl Rove is replaced with Bush’s private tailor, Georges de Paris
  • White House orders DC liquor stores and pharmacies to remain open on 24-hour standby
  • Libby enters the federal witness protection program
  • Cheney has his sneer surgically removed
  • Dennis Miller is given a room at the White House and bestowed the title, “Court Jester”
  • White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is replaced by Jerry Springer
  • Cheney deletes “Vice President of the United States” from his resume
  • DC post offices run out of “Change of Address” packets
  • Foreign governments ask Bush and entourage to stay at local Holiday Inns during state visits
  • Site for the future George W. Bush Presidential Library chosen near Leavenworth, Kansas

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Message in a Bottle

The message below was found in a bottle on a New Zealand beach by a Chinese American tourist named Walter Yee.

An open letter to the people of the world


America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.

We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.

It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.

My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.

Help us.

Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.

It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.