Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Do You Have What It Takes?

That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.


We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.

1.I am: (check all that apply)
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch

2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton

3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.

4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party

5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
When Cheerleaders Go Wild

6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.

7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject

8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse

Friday, July 22, 2005

What the hell?

Through a FOIA request, That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a document from the State Department that raises some intriguing, previously unknown issues about Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. The document, although highly redacted, appears to be a signed contract between Roberts and Satan.

Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.

Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”

Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”

Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”

Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”

Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Mehlman Outs Hillary

WASHINGTON DC – In a press release sure to raise eyebrows from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman asserts that the mysterious second person to leak Valarie Plame’s name to the media was Hillary Clinton.

“Let her record speak for itself,” said Mehlman at an impromptu press conference. “Hillary Clinton has been at the center of virtually every Washington scandal over the past fifteen years. This treasonous activity has her name written all over it.”

When asked if he had any evidence implicating the New York Senator in the Plame affair, Mehlman scoffed. “Of course I do. I have eye witnesses, receipts, video. I’ve got enough hard evidence to put Killery away for a long, long time.”

Reporters asked to see the evidence, but were rebuffed. “How stupid do you think I am?” asked Mehlman. “It’s in a safe place. At the appropriate time I will turn over everything I have to the authorities.”

“This witch hunt in the administration must stop,” continued Mehlman. “To assert that God-loving, God-fearing people like Karl Rove and Libby Scooter could be involved in treasonous activities is beyond belief. It’s ludicrous. No, you have to look at suspects who have demonstrated amoral behavior time and time again. That would be Democrats, specifically, the female Senator from New York. I don’t even like saying her name.”

Reporters pressed Mehlman to reveal any actual evidence he had against Clinton. Mehlman then held a piece of paper over his head. “This, ladies and gentleman, is an inventory of all the evidence I have against Hillary Clinton. One hundred and....ten separate pieces of damning evidence. I will be turning this list over to the FBI shortly after I leave this press conference.”

Repeated calls to FBI officials have not been answered.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Son of Rove

The rumors have been flying around the beltway that 43 is already putting out discreet feelers for someone to replace Karl Rove. While the media types chase their tales around the city, That’s Going Too Far! has already confirmed this story. In fact, we have obtained a questionnaire that is being sent on the very hush-hush to potential candidates for Rove’s replacement. Here is what they want to know about the second most powerful man in the world (behind Cheney):

1. A prominent Senate Democrat starts making noises about impeachment hearings. Your response is:
a. Press releases and the talk show circuit
b. Sic Zel Miller on her
c. Pay her daughter’s daycare worker to pump the child for dirt
d. Send talking points to FOX

2. An upcoming Senate race is razor close in an important red state. Your strategy is:
a. 24-hour surveillance
b. Hacking opponents computers
c. Leak to press opponents arrest for marijuana 30 years ago
d. Pay opponents cleaning service to tell all

3. A high profile Republican governor is implicated in a sex scandal. You would help by:
a. Getting every law enforcement agency in the state to look into the pole dancer’s background
b. Having the Pope speak in the governor’s defense
c. Starting a war somewhere
d. Giving the governor the Medal of Freedom

4. A very hot Hollywood star is dissing the President at every opportunity. How would you handle this?
a. Have Jerry Falwell conduct a revival meeting at the Hollywood Bowl
b. Accuse the star of being a former Republican
c. Pay his make-up person for dirt
d. Have the Pope excommunicate the offender

5. The President’s ratings with the American people are in the tank. How would you fix this?
a. Have the President give a prime-time speech in which he reveals he has a life-threatening disease
b. Have the President survive a “terrorist attack”
c. Capture Osama Bin Laden
d. Send the twins to Iraq

Monday, July 11, 2005

President, Heal Thyself

The President’s most recent bicycle accident is only the latest in a long line of minor physical traumas involving Bush and his immediate surroundings. Most of the President’s accidents have been kept from the public eye, but That’s Going Too Far! has obtained copies of medical reports kept by Bush’s personal physician. The records reveal that Bush has had numerous close calls and potentially life-threatening medical situations over the past five years. Here are some examples.

5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.